Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Hello everyone, never thought I would find myself on a site like this, but I could really use some advice before I do something stupid. Anyway, we've been married 10 years, about 6 months ago my wife decided she wanted to go back to work. Everything was fine and then I started to notice a few changes in her after she had been at this new job for about 2 months. She started hanging out more after work with her new co-workers, staying out late, dressing a little sexier for work, but the biggest red flag for me was the change in our sex life. We went from 4-5 times a week to 2-3 times a month and in the past 3 months, nothing. She also started giving me attitude about almost everything, we've probably had 1 major argument in our entire marriage, now suddenly everything I do seems to piss her off. I also noticed she put a pass code on her phone and now she takes it with her everywhere around the house. When I tried talking to her she just blew it off and said it's probably just the stress from work. My wife has never given me a reason not to trust her so I just dropped it and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. A few months later I decide to drive downtown and surprise her for lunch. I had about 45 minutes to kill so I decided to stop at a bar and grill across from her job, I go inside and there's my wife sitting across a table in a booth, laughing and drinking with some guy. So I go over, of course she's looks shocked, introduces me and says he's one of her co-workers and they were just having a drink for lunch and needed to get back to the office. Told her I was there to take her to lunch, she apologized, said she couldn't and that I should of let her know I was coming. I was a little upset driving all that way but she didn't know I was coming so I didn't read too much into it. Fast forward to this week, she goes out of town for a few days with her company, we text and talk on the phone a few times, but then the next day she doesn't return any of my messages and she's not answering her phone, just on a hunch I pull up her facebook page and notice the guy from the bar on her friends list. Just out of curiosity, I pull up his page and just sat there like somebody had just punched me in the gut. According to the time stamp on his timeline, apparently this guy is on this trip with my wife, because he's posting pictures and videos of the two of them on his page from what looks like the hotel pool. He's got pictures of my wife in a bikini, sitting on his lap and pretending to playfully bite his ear...WTH??? Then to top it off there's a video on there where he's chasing my wife around the pool, grabbing her by the waist and tossing her in the water. I just kind of sat there shocked, I get up, start pacing the floor and the mind movies start... I see them laughing and drinking at the bar, she's sitting on his lap smiling and biting his ear, then he's chasing her around the pool grabbing her by the waist and tossing her in the water and I'm sitting here asking myself, WTH is going on here? I go from being pissed to trying to come up with a rational explanation to being pissed again all over again. I didn't like the way they were smiling at each other, I didn't like her sitting on his lap and biting his ear and I sure as hell didn't like watching him chase her, grab her and throw her in a pool. WTH was she thinking? TBH, right now, All I want to do is find this guy and bash his face in. I tried texting and calling her again that day, nothing. She finally calls me today, claims her phone died. (that's a first). I told her we need to talk when she gets home, she wants to know what's wrong, I told her we'll talk about it when you get home (and I know it was probably childish) but I actually hung up on her. For some reason I don't even want to hear her voice right now. Since then she's been blowing up my phone and sent about 30 text messages, but I haven't responded to any. She'll be back home this Tuesday. Now let me just point out, my wife is my world, but my gut is screaming at me that something is off here. I'm really having a tough time trying to process all this. I worked my fingers to the bone and built my own business from the ground up to give her a nice comfortable life. I would die for this woman, for me, the sun rises and sets with her but since she's started this new job, she's changing, she's never behaved like this before, I want our sex life back and I need to know what's going on with this guy. I could really use some help right now. I'm not sure what to do, I'm not even sure what to think. I plan to confront her when she comes home, but I don't even know what to say, I've never been in this situation before, I honestly don't think she's cheating on me, but obviously some major boundaries have been crossed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 She's cheating on you, whether it's already involved sex (which I'll bet it has) or not. She's cheated you of a more-regular sex life, a more-emotionally available mate, and a more-physically present partner. You've been cheated on. She needs to choose, immediately, to return to her marriage or leave it. You need to *help* her make that choice by being clear to her what you will and will not tolerate. I'm assuming you will no longer tolerate not having time for lunch with you (while she finishes drinks with him), out-of-town business trips that involve bikinis-and-pools and public postings on social media, and any further contact with her new boy toy. If that means she has to quit her job and find another, so be it. According to you, you've spent a lifetime building a business (of which she'll no doubt be entitled to half); she just *returned* to being employed outside the home, six months ago. It should be an easy choice for her. If it's NOT an easy choice for her, leave her no choice; she gets him and her new job, by default. Best of luck to you, OP... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 He's got pictures of my wife in a bikini, sitting on his lap and pretending to playfully bite his ear...WTH??? Then to top it off there's a video on there where he's chasing my wife around the pool, grabbing her by the waist and tossing her in the water. I just kind of sat there shocked, I get up, start pacing the floor and the mind movies start... I see them laughing and drinking at the bar, she's sitting on his lap smiling and biting his ear, then he's chasing her around the pool grabbing her by the waist and tossing her in the water and I'm sitting here asking myself, WTH is going on here? I go from being pissed to trying to come up with a rational explanation to being pissed again all over again. I didn't like the way they were smiling at each other, I didn't like her sitting on his lap and biting his ear and I sure as hell didn't like watching him chase her, grab her and throw her in a pool. WTH was she thinking?... Now let me just point out, my wife is my world, but my gut is screaming at me that something is off here. First, I would make sure to screen shot all of the pics etc. on the page with your wife. Second, something is way more than "off" here. It seems pretty clear that she's having an affair. Have they had sex? Probably yes, possibly not, but clearly the relationship isn't being respected. I think your marriage needs counseling now. Also, no more password protected devices. You may be able to recover your marriage, but this is a bomb in your relationship that needs to be dealt with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) She's cheating on you, whether it's already involved sex (which I'll bet it has) or not. She's cheated you of a more-regular sex life, a more-emotionally available mate, and a more-physically present partner. You've been cheated on. She needs to choose, immediately, to return to her marriage or leave it. You need to *help* her make that choice by being clear to her what you will and will not tolerate. I'm assuming you will no longer tolerate not having time for lunch with you (while she finishes drinks with him), out-of-town business trips that involve bikinis-and-pools and public postings on social media, and any further contact with her new boy toy. If that means she has to quit her job and find another, so be it. According to you, you've spent a lifetime building a business (of which she'll no doubt be entitled to half); she just *returned* to being employed outside the home, six months ago. It should be an easy choice for her. If it's NOT an easy choice for her, leave her no choice; she gets him and her new job, by default. Best of luck to you, OP... Thanks for the reply.... The 4 words that no married man wants to hear "she's cheating on you" I don't even know how to respond to that, I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn or anything, but this guy has nothing on me in the looks and body department. I can't possibly imagine why she would risk 10 years of marriage for that. She has everything she wanted, a great social life, a great life, financial security, a husband that takes of her, emotionally and physically, why would she throw all that way? Doesn't make sense... But you're right, I won't tolerate being disrespected, TBH, I really would like her to be home more with me. I honestly started to laugh at the thought of my wife cheating on me... But after reading your post, you really made me stop and think because you seem so sure about it... suddenly, I'm not laughing anymore Edited November 23, 2015 by Hero Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I don't even know what to say, I've never been in this situation before, I honestly don't think she's cheating on me, but obviously some major boundaries have been crossed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance. Pretty much the exact same thing we all said in the beginning . You've already made one mistake in letting her know you were suspicious as she now has a couple days to try and cover her tracks. I'd immediately get in touch with your cell phone service provider (hopefully it's not a work phone) and ask for a print out of calls and text messages. You may find one number was contacted a distressing number of times. Also get ready for a blizzard of denial and defensive attacks (Google "gaslighting"), some of which you've already seen. "He's just a friend", "you're crazy", "you're invading my privacy", etc. None of us know if your wife is cheating on you. What we do know is it's pretty easy for her to prove she isn't - transparent phone use, open book social media, clear boundaries. If she resists doing so, I'm afraid you may have your answer... Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 First, I would make sure to screen shot all of the pics etc. on the page with your wife. Second, something is way more than "off" here. It seems pretty clear that she's having an affair. Have they had sex? Probably yes, possibly not, but clearly the relationship isn't being respected. I think your marriage needs counseling now. Also, no more password protected devices. You may be able to recover your marriage, but this is a bomb in your relationship that needs to be dealt with. Yep, the first thing I did was download everything... It's pretty clear she's having an affair? I must be in denial then...I just find this hard to believe, If she is, I would be shocked, I mean my wife has no reason to cheat on me. Here I am thinking about inappropriate boundaries and you guys are suggesting they may have already had sex? Oh man...I need to seriously rethink some of this Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Here I am thinking about inappropriate boundaries and you guys are suggesting they may have already had sex? Well, what do you make of sitting on his lap and biting his ear? What level of intimacy does that suggest to you? You know her better than we do. Is she a very flirtatious person, but you are assuming it doesn't go beyond that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Pretty much the exact same thing we all said in the beginning . You've already made one mistake in letting her know you were suspicious as she now has a couple days to try and cover her tracks. I'd immediately get in touch with your cell phone service provider (hopefully it's not a work phone) and ask for a print out of calls and text messages. You may find one number was contacted a distressing number of times. Also get ready for a blizzard of denial and defensive attacks (Google "gaslighting"), some of which you've already seen. "He's just a friend", "you're crazy", "you're invading my privacy", etc. None of us know if your wife is cheating on you. What we do know is it's pretty easy for her to prove she isn't - transparent phone use, open book social media, clear boundaries. If she resists doing so, I'm afraid you may have your answer... Mr. Lucky Thanks for the reply Mr. Lucky... I don't think I gave away my hand when we talked on the phone, I said nothing to her about what I found, just that we needed to talk, she doesn't know if it's about money or the dog. But you might have a valid point, she knows I'm pissed about something because I hung up on her and I'm not answering her calls or texts. She's using her own phone, but she has a laptop from the company. I will check the phone records first thing in the morning. Thanks for the transparency tips, that's very helpful and makes perfect sense Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Yeah, OP. It sure doesn't look too good. One thing you'll notice if you read many of the posts here is that the other man is usually a slug, or a pig. Look up posts by a man called Zinger - he's rich, and his wife had a fling with a starving artist. No rhyme or reason. Just the selfish excitement. Do what the other poster said - screen capture *every* FB pic of your wife and this guy - chances are she doesn't even know he has been posting his conquests on his FB page. But you can be sure all that juicy photo evidence will get taken down pronto, now. You also need to get a nice voice activated recorder and put it in her car - if she calls her lover boy after you confront her Tuesday, it will be from a private place like her car. You might also catch a private conversation when she is at work and needs to talk to him alone... A GPS tracker might not be a bad idea. You know, standard cheater fare. So, when she gets home and wants to know what the hell has got you so riled up, just show her the pictures without saying a word. Then tell her the next words out of her mouth had better be the truth because you know more than you are showing her... maybe insinuate that someone from her workplace has clued you in, but be vague. "Our future depends on what you are going to tell me in the next few minutes..." Then, just shut up and let her hang herself with the rope you have given her...Lastly, do NOT be moved by tears. Again, sorry this has happened to you... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Well, what do you make of sitting on his lap and biting his ear? What level of intimacy does that suggest to you? You know her better than we do. Is she a very flirtatious person, but you are assuming it doesn't go beyond that? That's something she would never do in front of me. She does get a little flirtatious when she's had a little too much to drink. But this is over the top... I honestly don't know what level of intimacy it suggest I don't know what the hell my wife was thinking when she did that If a woman did that to me, my wife would lose her mind and if a woman sat on my lap at bite my ear, I would probably think I was going to get lucky later on, man this is starting to hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Yeah, OP. It sure doesn't look too good. One thing you'll notice if you read many of the posts here is that the other man is usually a slug, or a pig. Look up posts by a man called Zinger - he's rich, and his wife had a fling with a starving artist. No rhyme or reason. Just the selfish excitement. Do what the other poster said - screen capture *every* FB pic of your wife and this guy - chances are she doesn't even know he has been posting his conquests on his FB page. But you can be sure all that juicy photo evidence will get taken down pronto, now. You also need to get a nice voice activated recorder and put it in her car - if she calls her lover boy after you confront her Tuesday, it will be from a private place like her car. You might also catch a private conversation when she is at work and needs to talk to him alone... A GPS tracker might not be a bad idea. You know, standard cheater fare. So, when she gets home and wants to know what the hell has got you so riled up, just show her the pictures without saying a word. Then tell her the next words out of her mouth had better be the truth because you know more than you are showing her... maybe insinuate that someone from her workplace has clued you in, but be vague. "Our future depends on what you are going to tell me in the next few minutes..." Then, just shut up and let her hang herself with the rope you have given her...Lastly, do NOT be moved by tears. Again, sorry this has happened to you... Thanks for the reply, I'm starting to feel a lot more confident with all the great advice I'm getting here. Will pick up a couple of VARS and GPS first thing in the morning. Thanks for that confrontation script, that's exactly how I plan to play it. I have to be honest though. My wife has a way of making my heart melt. She knows all the right buttons to push, if she starts crying I might break. But I honestly don't expect her to do that, she's been in a pretty B!tchy mood these past couple of months If anything I expect her to get mad, anger I can handle. Will check out Zingers thread...thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 If you want to understand why your wife will risk EVERYTHING for a couple of fleeting moments of what ever they get from it, then you need to read either Michelle Langley (probably the best) or Esther Perel - Why good people in good marriages cheat. As a guy, you probably don't cheat, in part, because you weight the cost of getting caught. Most people do the same. But when the right chemicals keep flowing in the brain weighing the cost simply transforms into "Ill worry about what happens IF I get caught when I cross that bridge". The draw to the affair is greater than any reasonable questioning about moral codes or financial risks. A cheater simple thinks they have everything under control, the affair, the marriage. But they have not thought through next year, next week or tomorrow. They live in the moment planning the next encounter. The question seems not IF your wife is having an affair, but HOW far gone INTO the affair she has gone. It's a shame you revealed yourself at the bar across from work. Had you not, you might have waited, let her go back to work, and then "innocently" arrive at her workplace shortly after to take her out to lunch. Then she would have begun her first visible lie to you about her secret life. Then you would have understood her commitment to her affair. Or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 The lack of respect for you here is staggering. Regardless, she has crossed a line and no amount of tears should move you on this. There are boundaries you don't cross, and as a man who has been married for twenty years, this is a huge one. I don't tolerate cheating. Ever. Therefore, I've never been cheated on. You will set the tone of the rest of your marriage by what you let her get away with. She needs to know you aren't tolerating disrespect and infidelity which is what posing on some dudes lap is to me. I don't even care if she never had his penis inside of her...which she most likely did if you are honest with yourself...she is cheating. I have a dealbreaker pact with my wife...if she or I ever show anyone else sexual attention....it is cheating. And it is over. I don't tolerate that behavior. Best, Grumps 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Oh dear. Really sorry to read this. I'd bet the farm she is having an affair. And if you could get down to it - the reason she strayed is that she wanted to be desired. Sorry dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 First off I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Definitely a terrible feeling and seems like your hearts being ripped out. I initially though that with her starting a new job after years at home that it would just be your insecurity and a bit of jealousy at her newfound joy and workplace environment. Unfortunately it's not that. She is cheating on you. The fact that you're not as naive and blind to it is already better than what a lot of men are. The fact that she's locked her phone tells us that she doesn't want you to have the possibility to access it and the affair is transparent if you did open it. The lunch time surprise would've broke my heart. If she wasn't involved with this guy she would've introduced you, told him she would catch him back at the office and sat down with you and been thrilled you were there to surprise her. Her visible shock and instinct to leave and use "gotta get back to work, gimme a heads up next time " as an excuse shows that she would rather you think she's being shady and explain later, instead of interact with you and her lover there at the same time and risk you noticing they have way more than just a workplace bond. Echoing what others have advised. Definitely save and screen shot the photos that are in the guys Facebook page. Also video tape the videos from your phone or save them so that you can use them at a later date confronting her. My guess is that she will eventually find out he posted them and tell him to delete them or make his page private immediately. So get on this ASAP as they'll be gone soon. You have 2 options right now. 1. You can have the pictures and video and the evidence you have right now as far as her phone logs to confront her when she gets home immediately. Just a fair warning tho... She's going to deny this 100% and make you think it's all just harmless flirting and nothing more. Do NOT fall for this. The problem is that yo don't have a "smoking gun" to confront her with right now. Cheaters rely on this because they will only admit to what you can prove. And all you can prove now is that she's being a bit in appropriate with a co worker. And believe me, she's going to be very convincing and she's going to cry. Crying is what makes you empathetic towards her and if you feel sorry for her then she's got you by the balls. You need to 100% tell yourself that no matter what she says, you know she's been having an affair with this guy and you're not going to be the sucker who gets talked out of his belief Option 2. You call her up before she returns home, and say that you were really upset that she didn't contact you and "phone died" for the first time in your marriage while she was away on a trip. The whole point of this is to get her guard to lower and make her think you're not even considering her having an affair. Using the little argument about not calling or answering your calls is going to let her exhale and make her think you're still completely clueless to what she's doing. Once that's smoothed over, it's time to get an investigator. No matter what you find in your own, there are people who do this for a living and will be able tk get you the evidence you need to support and 100% confirm your fears. It's worth the money, trust me. Would you rather have her get the house and half your savings in a divorce? Or would you rather keep your **** and pay a couple hundred bucks so you can have the evidence to show a court if things get messy? Easy decision in my mind. This option is definitely tougher and the slow play but it's the safer play too and will benefit you long term. The key is to make her think you're completely happy with her and unaware of anything. Hang in there, it sucks so bad but you're not the first to go through it. Just try and remember that you aren't the reason she did this. Don't let her try and pawn that off on you. She's the *******. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 If you want to understand why your wife will risk EVERYTHING for a couple of fleeting moments of what ever they get from it, then you need to read either Michelle Langley (probably the best) or Esther Perel - Why good people in good marriages cheat. As a guy, you probably don't cheat, in part, because you weight the cost of getting caught. Most people do the same. But when the right chemicals keep flowing in the brain weighing the cost simply transforms into "Ill worry about what happens IF I get caught when I cross that bridge". The draw to the affair is greater than any reasonable questioning about moral codes or financial risks. A cheater simple thinks they have everything under control, the affair, the marriage. But they have not thought through next year, next week or tomorrow. They live in the moment planning the next encounter. The question seems not IF your wife is having an affair, but HOW far gone INTO the affair she has gone. It's a shame you revealed yourself at the bar across from work. Had you not, you might have waited, let her go back to work, and then "innocently" arrive at her workplace shortly after to take her out to lunch. Then she would have begun her first visible lie to you about her secret life. Then you would have understood her commitment to her affair. Or not. Thanks for the response... Never cheated on her, had lots of opportunities, but I've been 100% loyal to my wife. I guess I'm starting to realize I may have to accept the fact my wife may have had an affair. All these replies seem to think so, but just writing that makes me sick to my stomach Yep. wish I could get a do over on the whole bar thing and follow your advice I'm sure it would have been a lot more revealing....thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 The lack of respect for you here is staggering. Regardless, she has crossed a line and no amount of tears should move you on this. There are boundaries you don't cross, and as a man who has been married for twenty years, this is a huge one. I don't tolerate cheating. Ever. Therefore, I've never been cheated on. You will set the tone of the rest of your marriage by what you let her get away with. She needs to know you aren't tolerating disrespect and infidelity which is what posing on some dudes lap is to me. I don't even care if she never had his penis inside of her...which she most likely did if you are honest with yourself...she is cheating. I have a dealbreaker pact with my wife...if she or I ever show anyone else sexual attention....it is cheating. And it is over. I don't tolerate that behavior. Best, Grumps Thanks Grumps I respect a man who doesn't mince words. I love my wife so much Grumps it hurts, But I can guarantee you this...when she gets home If she thinks I will allow her to disrespect me...she married the wrong guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Oh dear. Really sorry to read this. I'd bet the farm she is having an affair. And if you could get down to it - the reason she strayed is that she wanted to be desired. Sorry dude. Thanks I think I'm slowly waking up out of my own fog If this is true, this is going to kill her family I haven't even proven anything yet, but I can feel my heartbreaking already Just don't know what I did to deserve this Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 First off I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Definitely a terrible feeling and seems like your hearts being ripped out. I initially though that with her starting a new job after years at home that it would just be your insecurity and a bit of jealousy at her newfound joy and workplace environment. Unfortunately it's not that. She is cheating on you. The fact that you're not as naive and blind to it is already better than what a lot of men are. The fact that she's locked her phone tells us that she doesn't want you to have the possibility to access it and the affair is transparent if you did open it. The lunch time surprise would've broke my heart. If she wasn't involved with this guy she would've introduced you, told him she would catch him back at the office and sat down with you and been thrilled you were there to surprise her. Her visible shock and instinct to leave and use "gotta get back to work, gimme a heads up next time " as an excuse shows that she would rather you think she's being shady and explain later, instead of interact with you and her lover there at the same time and risk you noticing they have way more than just a workplace bond. Echoing what others have advised. Definitely save and screen shot the photos that are in the guys Facebook page. Also video tape the videos from your phone or save them so that you can use them at a later date confronting her. My guess is that she will eventually find out he posted them and tell him to delete them or make his page private immediately. So get on this ASAP as they'll be gone soon. You have 2 options right now. 1. You can have the pictures and video and the evidence you have right now as far as her phone logs to confront her when she gets home immediately. Just a fair warning tho... She's going to deny this 100% and make you think it's all just harmless flirting and nothing more. Do NOT fall for this. The problem is that yo don't have a "smoking gun" to confront her with right now. Cheaters rely on this because they will only admit to what you can prove. And all you can prove now is that she's being a bit in appropriate with a co worker. And believe me, she's going to be very convincing and she's going to cry. Crying is what makes you empathetic towards her and if you feel sorry for her then she's got you by the balls. You need to 100% tell yourself that no matter what she says, you know she's been having an affair with this guy and you're not going to be the sucker who gets talked out of his belief Option 2. You call her up before she returns home, and say that you were really upset that she didn't contact you and "phone died" for the first time in your marriage while she was away on a trip. The whole point of this is to get her guard to lower and make her think you're not even considering her having an affair. Using the little argument about not calling or answering your calls is going to let her exhale and make her think you're still completely clueless to what she's doing. Once that's smoothed over, it's time to get an investigator. No matter what you find in your own, there are people who do this for a living and will be able tk get you the evidence you need to support and 100% confirm your fears. It's worth the money, trust me. Would you rather have her get the house and half your savings in a divorce? Or would you rather keep your **** and pay a couple hundred bucks so you can have the evidence to show a court if things get messy? Easy decision in my mind. This option is definitely tougher and the slow play but it's the safer play too and will benefit you long term. The key is to make her think you're completely happy with her and unaware of anything. Hang in there, it sucks so bad but you're not the first to go through it. Just try and remember that you aren't the reason she did this. Don't let her try and pawn that off on you. She's the *******. Thank you so much, you guys are great! never thought I would receive such well thought out responses. I actually helped her find this job and I was excited and happy for her! Everything on Facebook has been saved. I like both options, #2 really looks appealing. I also thought about the P.I. option too I feel like a creep snooping on my wife, but I agree that I have to get out ahead of this thing. man this sucks, seriously feeling like crap right now Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) Thank you so much, you guys are great! never thought I would receive such well thought out responses. I actually helped her find this job and I was excited and happy for her! Everything on Facebook has been saved. I like both options, #2 really looks appealing. I also thought about the P.I. option too I feel like a creep snooping on my wife, but I agree that I have to get out ahead of this thing. man this sucks, seriously feeling like crap right now Ill tell you why I think option 2 is not appealing. It's the smoking gun issue. Yeah, it's one thing to catch the kids with their hand in the cookie jar, but it's a whole other ball of wax when it's not cookies were are guarding but our spouse. Let me put it this way. A man can catch his wife in the act, or on the way of going to the act. Now, if I thought for a second I played at not knowing something just so I could have a photo of my wife in some guys bed, I tell you in all honesty it's time to walk away from the marriage. YOU DO NOT NEED TO CATCH YOUR WIFE SCREWING A CO-WORKER unless you have already planned to leave her. If you love your wife, and want to save your marriage you will deal with this NOW, in spite of the gaslighting, in spite of the denial. You already have enough to confront her and makes things very very clear. You will not tolerate her falling into the cheaters trap of losing her grip on reality for the buzz that comes from a sudden surge in DOPAMINE interacting with her co-worker. You want option one to save your marriage. You want option two to end your marriage and give you friggin nightmares in full color for the next year or so. As SOON as my WW was found out, her affair ended. Maybe it's better to end something before it goes any further. But it's up to you. Edited November 23, 2015 by fellini 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I also thought about the P.I. option too Hire a P.I. in the city that she is staying at with this other guy. Do this first thing in the AM. Send him photos of her and the other man for identification as well as telling him the name of the hotel and the company they work for. The. Call her as suggested in option 2 to tell her you were upset that she did not call you for so long. Tell that even if her phone was dead, she could have called you from her room phone. Do not even hint about the other man. If you could fly there, and meet up with the P.I. so that you can knock on the door of where the P.I. saw her go late at night, that would be even better. Walking in on them in late at night would be the final evidence that you would need. This all may seem extreme, but this is your marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Hero, Your wife is having an affair, and the quicker you ACCEPT that the better off you are going to be. You need to STOP trying to figure out what YOU did to deserve this or what YOU did wrong. You caught her red handed out with him, and now she disappears and is plying touchy feely in a bikini out of town in a hotel with him. And no matter what you do or say, the chances are she is going to come home and DENY everything and try to make you feel like some kind of jealous idiot. And unless you have to have pictures of the two of them doing it together you better take some FAST action and here is why (1) workplace affairs are the hardest to detect and the hardest to stop. You got big time LUCKY when you caught them at lunch. Every book you can buy on infidelity will tell you that she cannot stay in that job if she is having an affair with someone she sees every day because NO CONTACT is the first rule of stopping an affair. (2) women enter affairs to begin with in MOST cases for emotional reasons FIRST. The longer you sit there gathering evidence that you do not need any more of right now the more attached she is going to get to him (3) you have enough red flags to start a bull fighting school. The sex has diminished for you because she is thinking of him and she is actually feeling like she is cheating on him with you. No husband can compete with the excitement of a new sexual partner so stay away from comparisons. AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT HIS LOOKS. He can look like Frankenstein but he sure is having fun wiuth your wife . Bashing his looks or appearance is nothing but you trying to stay in denial and making believe she could not be attracted to him. (4) it appears obvious that he is most likely single and not married or he would not be posting this crap on FB. That is an even bigger problem for you because in many cases if you expose this to his wife or girlfriend it blows the affair up. So I strongly urge you to stop posting how you can't believe she did this because it is clear she did and is doing it and the quicker you figure out what YOU are going to do the better off you will be. Believe nothing that she tells you, and I can assure you that if your tone and attitude right off the bat is that you love her and will forgive her you will be setting the stage for you own destruction. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 You didn't do anything to deserve this. She made her choices all by herself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Ill tell you why I think option 2 is not appealing. It's the smoking gun issue. Yeah, it's one thing to catch the kids with their hand in the cookie jar, but it's a whole other ball of wax when it's not cookies were are guarding but our spouse. Let me put it this way. A man can catch his wife in the act, or on the way of going to the act. Now, if I thought for a second I played at not knowing something just so I could have a photo of my wife in some guys bed, I tell you in all honesty it's time to walk away from the marriage. YOU DO NOT NEED TO CATCH YOUR WIFE SCREWING A CO-WORKER unless you have already planned to leave her. If you love your wife, and want to save your marriage you will deal with this NOW, in spite of the gaslighting, in spite of the denial. You already have enough to confront her and makes things very very clear. You will not tolerate her falling into the cheaters trap of losing her grip on reality for the buzz that comes from a sudden surge in DOPAMINE interacting with her co-worker. You want option one to save your marriage. You want option two to end your marriage and give you friggin nightmares in full color for the next year or so. As SOON as my WW was found out, her affair ended. Maybe it's better to end something before it goes any further. But it's up to you. While I agree about option 1 leaving the chance to reconcile and option 2 being about divorce and finalizing the marriage. Option 2 is also there for his own financial reasons. His wife just started working this year. So he is the main bread winner of the house and has the most to lose if he filed for divorce tomorrow. Without any evidence of an affair he can provide to a judge in divorce court, she is likely to be granted the financial settlement that any woman would in a divorce. So that's why I suggest getting physical evidence he can have. Not for added trauma. It's gonna suck seeing that for sure. But for long term ability to remain the sole owner of his assets and earnings. If not, she's going to get away with cheating on him, and then he'll be paying for her new place to live, and monthly allowance...SCREW THAT! Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 My h had an affair with a married coworker. Is the other man married? I regret so much not calling his bluff. They were so arrogant and entitled in how they behaved. When I questioned his did behavior, he turned it all on me. Start snooping NOW. I actually didn't initially because I felt guilty. I should have said to him that another employee had contacted me and given me a heads up. And that I had been sent info about the 2 of them. They are so blind to their behavior that they think they have one up on everyone. Show them who the fools really are. They're acting like toddlers and yes yes yes they are having sex. Have a lawyer draw up a separation agreement today and present it to her. Bring her to marriage counselling and tell her there that you are proceeding with divorce unless she tells you the truth now (and let in that you know more than you do). Put your big boy pants on now. You are where I was exactly 3 yrs ago. They had 4 mos of foreplay/ea followed by 4 mos of sex. They didn't love each other, they thought they were so special. Had I manned up, I would have saved myself 2+ yrs of ripping my hair out, and forced his hand immediately with separation papers (I came so close, I could kick myself, but I felt just as you do right now). At the end of the day, cheaters are weaklings and terrified to deal with consequences, so they don't. But the consequences just get worse. And so do yours. Get out of the triangle. Her other guy will look very ugly and gross to her when you do. Tell her she is free to go. She will cry like a baby. My h's mow? She lost her job, he lost the respect of everyone (our 3 kids, folks in the industry where she was known as skippy since she spread so easily). He didn't want our marriage to end, he just wanted his ego stroked so he wouldn't have to man up and deal with white man privilege problems. She wanted a better tax bracket and to lose custody of her 4 kids. These are 50 yr old adults, nothing sexy about them. He's so humiliated. Ashamed. Disgusted. Hates the mow and regrets that he made his problems so much worse. Begs for forgiveness everyday. I wish everyday that I hadn't been in denial and that I would have acted on that instinct and voice that screamed at me. Believe you, not her. Your gut feeling is there for a reason, it never lies like spouses do. Read that again. Do something effective for YOU today. Hell, fly out there. You can stop this affair today and then proceed however you wish. Get the power back, they're complete wusses. I'm so so sorry. I could have written all of your posts - I'm nauseous thinking about how you feel. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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