Sandy43 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 She was scrambling, she wants to know if you found out or if you know what is going on. When I was playing detective I turned on the messaging to my husbands ipad while he was at work which sent a message to his phone. He immediately called and I managed to come up with some excuse but he must have called me 5 times over the next hour. He was fishing and so is she. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Already spoke to her on the phone, but here are a few of the messages she sent when I went dark on her "hung up on me? that's real mature" "I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but your wife is trying to contact you" "fine, be that way" "why are you doing this?" "I can't live like this" Yep, these are the types of texts indicative of anger vs concern. Take not of the allusion to "not being able to live like this". She is setting the stage for justifying and blaming. There is no way you would respond like this under simialr circumstances, i bet ( your spouse expressing a concern and hanging up etc. You would be falling all over yourself to inquire what iswrong and would be concerned over her welfare, right?). Also notice the "what is going on in that head of yours". Allusion to suspicion and setting the stage for convincing you you are delusional. Very common. I would submit that these responses, when analyzed a bit, are off the charts indications of guilt, fear, and an the initial foray into gaslighting you , big time. She is busted. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 "I can't live like this" I can't live like this? Because you're avoiding her calls one day?? Gotta agree, she is setting you up to take all the guilt for ruining the marriage. Be prepared for the "love you, not in love with you" followed by "felt this way for years" with maybe a dash of "you never paid attention to me" speech. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 started looking over phone records and text message history and there it is 100's of calls, 1'000's of messages - confirmed it's bar boy lot's of bad mouthing me - rewrote our marital history - lots of sex talk can't read anymore just gutted - so lost right now - no words In their messages they even gave me a pet name "THE FOOL" I am Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Hero - I'm so sorry... I'd have her served and let her worry about getting you back, if you even want that. Focus on taking care of yourself! Do you have good friends, family you can hang with? Understand you can never nice her back... and it's one thing for her to have an affair and quite another for her to be speaking so disrespectfully about you. Does this guy have a wife? I'd also out them to their company. Again, so sorry to hear this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 OP, you've been given stellar advice in this thread. While I understand where many of them are coming from, unless you live in a state where something [more] can be gained by proving infidelity, I wouldn't waste the time, money, energy, or investment-of-my-soul in finding, proof-positive evidence that she can NOT deny; it's not worth the (further) damage to my psyche. There is NO WAY I have to have video proof OR first-hand (eye?) knowledge by 'catching him in the [actual] act'; I simply will not put myself through witnessing that image that will be forever tattooed into my brain. I agree with all the others: what she's done thus far, is doing right now, has begun doing, and will - no doubt - do from here on out is all designed to make herself feel better about ALL the wrong things she knows she is doing. Male or female, not happy in your marriage? Fine. Say so. Do something to fix or decide you'll do nothing...BUT let the other person knowhow you feel before moving on to the next one. If you couldn't live up to your vows "for better or worse (etc.)", at least live up to the "forsaking all others" 'til you're done with the first. Best of luck to you, OP...this is a really, really ****ty thing to do to a person and an even ****tier way of handling it. It's because she realizes this that it's bound to only get even ****tier for you, while she tries to make herself feel better about her own **** in which she's completely drowning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 You have one twisted, disordered spouse on your hands, very cruel and sadistic, apparently. Any kids. even if you do, this woman is from a bad seed, Cluster B disordered to the max. These folk,s, for the most part, cannot be helped with therapy. They lack empathy. If she is like most cluster B's, she was adept at masking her true self during courtship. They do this instinctively, and have honed this ability over years of practice. Obviously, you need no further evidence. See your lawyer asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the advice, I appreciate everyone of you who have posted I'll have to try and respond to your questions a little later right now my mind is racing at 1000 mph how can somebody do this to another human being? 10 years of breaking my back and for what? 10 years wasted, 10 years down the drain Just got a text message asking me what time I was picking her from the airport tomorrow replied and told her to take a cab **** her 8 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 "I can't live like this" When you've talked about your marriage, you have made it seem like everything was wonderful. In retrospect, was she expressing problems? Were you listening? Or is this completely out of the blue? started looking over phone records and text message history and there it is 100's of calls, 1'000's of messages - confirmed it's bar boy lot's of bad mouthing me - rewrote our marital history - lots of sex talk How are you able to read their text messages? I agree with others though - now, you have all the proof you need. I'd go see a lawyer, and make an appointment with a counselor too - you need someone to talk to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the advice, I appreciate everyone of you who have posted I'll have to try and respond to your questions a little later right now my mind is racing at 1000 mph how can somebody do this to another human being? 10 years of breaking my back and for what? 10 years wasted, 10 years down the drain Just got a text message asking me what time I was picking her from the airport tomorrow replied and told her to take a cab **** her That's odd. Typically, a man who's head over heels in love would want to spend every bit of any available minute with a woman...meaning, he'd tell her to tell you she's catching a cab. Personally, since she's followed the script so well up to this point, I'd be inclined to give her (them both?) a dose of "Careful what you ask for wish for...you might just get it!" No matter how much it was destroying me inside, I'd let her go...insist on it, even. Go...go be with him. He strikes me as the type that found her quite attractive and alluring as long as she was somebody else's bored housewife who suddenly dons crotchless panties and has NO INTENTION of making her his bored little wifey. Spending time together which is all theirs instead of just forbidden and alluring 'stolen moments' may be the *best thing* for them. It certainly reads like it will be the best thing for YOU, putting YOU back in the driver's seat of your place in this world, with or without her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Cheaters, despite the claims they make re neglect or failure of the BS to listen, seldom , really , communicate their dissatisfaction effectively to their betrayed spouses. Consider that you have a person here who, by definition as a cheater, lacks integrity, empathy, problem solving abilities and communication skills. These types of people do not look to resolve marital issues ( and every marriage has some) by way of normal, effective communication. You can tell that by the very avenue they chose to solve their issues, cheating. Also, bear in mind that , according to some studies, the vast majority of affairs go undetected forever. So, there is a strong likleihood that this is not her first rodeo if you happened upon it. I urge people involved with cheaters to start researching their history a bit. Often, you will find signs of cheating in past relationships, as well as indicia of cluster B disorders. It is highly unlikely that a cheaters dishonsety and lack of empathy is confined only to the area of marital fidelity. They , often, have poor credit, poor job histories, tax a dn debt issues etc. And, they have done this to others in the past, the cheating deal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 In their messages they even gave me a pet name "THE FOOL" Ouch! That is just cold. There's no coming back from that level of cold-hearted back-stabbing disrespect. This is not going to be an easy ride for you. Just keep in mind that you are not alone in this journey. Unfortunately, this happens more than most people know or want to know. Check to see if you insurance covers counseling sessions. It is well worth it going to see someone to sort out your emotions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 That's odd. Typically, a man who's head over heels in love would want to spend every bit of any available minute with a woman...meaning, he'd tell her to tell you she's catching a cab. Personally, since she's followed the script so well up to this point, I'd be inclined to give her (them both?) a dose of "Careful what you ask for wish for...you might just get it!" No matter how much it was destroying me inside, I'd let her go...insist on it, even. Go...go be with him. He strikes me as the type that found her quite attractive and alluring as long as she was somebody else's bored housewife who suddenly dons crotchless panties and has NO INTENTION of making her his bored little wifey. Spending time together which is all theirs instead of just forbidden and alluring 'stolen moments' may be the *best thing* for them. It certainly reads like it will be the best thing for YOU, putting YOU back in the driver's seat of your place in this world, with or without her. I would not consider going back with her, if presented with the option. This woman is a really bad one, with a cruel streak. The cheating is the tip of the iceberg with her, I would be willing to bet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 started looking over phone records and text message history and there it is 100's of calls, 1'000's of messages - confirmed it's bar boy lot's of bad mouthing me - rewrote our marital history - lots of sex talk can't read anymore just gutted - so lost right now - no words In their messages they even gave me a pet name "THE FOOL" I am Hero, that's awfully painful to witness, and terrible to be ridiculed so horribly. As many have said, she will deny and gaslight you until she's blue in the face,and cry and plead innocence to protect herself. You have the evidence you need to confront her with her lies and betrayal. You did nothing to deserve such treachery, you are not responsible for your wife's behaviour, and you CAN survive this. As someone else mentioned, keep as calm as you're able, and give her the choice to offer you the dignity, at least, of the truth. If she can't do that, then you have some huge decisions to consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I would not consider going back with her, if presented with the option. This woman is a really bad one, with a cruel streak. The cheating is the tip of the iceberg with her, I would be willing to bet. I agree...and, in the same circumstance, I would NEVER take someone back who did this. However, it's not MY 10 years spent in this relationship; it's up to OP. But one thing I am sure of, is given the freedom TO go be with him "all the time", the other guy's gonna dump her sorry and boring a** in record time. She will be back, begging and pleading with OP to take her back, saying how sorry and wrong she was and promising him anything and everything, if he'll only take her back. It's his choice at that point to continue on the path she put them on to dissolve the marriage or to try 'to work it out'. That can be a great thing towards evening things back to a level playing field...since she, alone chose to derail the little train, without a word to her partner... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the advice, I appreciate everyone of you who have posted I'll have to try and respond to your questions a little later right now my mind is racing at 1000 mph how can somebody do this to another human being? 10 years of breaking my back and for what? 10 years wasted, 10 years down the drain Just got a text message asking me what time I was picking her from the airport tomorrow replied and told her to take a cab **** her The years were not wasted - you worked hard and built a business because that's who you are as a person. Yes, you enjoyed having a partner to share all this with but all your work and accomplishments are not down any drain. I'm not sure if what you saw in the texts proves she is sleeping with him but you really should just assume that she is. The pictures and video that you told us about - sitting on his lap in her bikini, the hands-on play in the pool - that kind of touching crosses a physical, sexual boundary. Coupled with the hundreds of texts & phone calls you need to face it - they are screwing. I find her text reply to you "I can't live like this" very revealing. I think she has mentally and emotionally left your marriage. She feels as though it is torture living with you. That's why she's been such a bitch to you and not wanted sex with you. She wants out. You don't mention children so I'll assume you don't have any. If that's the case, ten years is enough for her. She wants to go out and enjoy the single life while she's still relatively young. Let her go. Start your life over. Again, if you don't have kids you should get out of the marriage without devastating financial consequences. The sooner that one of you moves out the better. When you don't have to see her every day you will have fewer mind movies and you will start to detach from her. You will heal faster. You have your whole life ahead of ahead of you - don't waste it trying to reconcile with a wife who betrayed you like this. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 started looking over phone records and text message history and there it is 100's of calls, 1'000's of messages - confirmed it's bar boy lot's of bad mouthing me - rewrote our marital history - lots of sex talk can't read anymore just gutted - so lost right now - no words In their messages they even gave me a pet name "THE FOOL" I am Wow. I am sorry this has happened to you. I know your mind is in a spin and everything seems surreal, but how well you draw a line in the sand and how strong and definitive you are in the upcoming days, weeks and months will determine whether you survive this with your sanity and dignity intact or whether you are reduced to the quibbling, gutless fool they treat you as. And this is true whether you ultimately divorce and move on or whether you reconcile. The key to both reconciliation and divorce is being strong, taking no BS and enforcing strict boundaries to minute detail. If you show the slightest weakness or capitulation she will exploit that and continue to play you as the fool and manipulate you. My recommendation is have her $hit packed in boxes and preliminary divorce papers drawn up for when she gets home so that she will understand that $h!t just got real and its not a matter of you being irritated at her. She needs to understand that her actions have just blown up and changed both of your lives. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Hero, I know this may sound cold but in fact, she has done you a great favor.....being a lousy cheater has given you perfect insight into who she really is. This is her character being revealed. When you (and you will in the future) consider reconciliation, go back and reread her texts between her and BT....this will keep you focused. Again I reassure you, YOU DESERVE Better!! Someone who will truly love, honor and respect you....wait...you probably heard her say that 10 years ago..... I would strongly urge you to pack her things and send her on her merry way with BT. I'll bet big money, he won't want her once she's free, it was only fun for him while she was a challenge. He's VERY SINGLE and intends to stay that way. Her fantasy world is going to be short lived. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I agree...and, in the same circumstance, I would NEVER take someone back who did this. However, it's not MY 10 years spent in this relationship; it's up to OP. But one thing I am sure of, is given the freedom TO go be with him "all the time", the other guy's gonna dump her sorry and boring a** in record time. She will be back, begging and pleading with OP to take her back, saying how sorry and wrong she was and promising him anything and everything, if he'll only take her back. It's his choice at that point to continue on the path she put them on to dissolve the marriage or to try 'to work it out'. That can be a great thing towards evening things back to a level playing field...since she, alonechose to derail the little train, without a word to her partner... The playing field, as it were, will never be level again. She cheated on you with another man. Even if you were able to forgive her, divorce or not, you will never forget. A BH has to accept that he is settling for less than "fair" and just deal with it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 In their messages they even gave me a pet name "THE FOOL" How were you able to read this text message if she has her phone with her out of town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 How were you able to read this text message if she has her phone with her out of town? Phone company will give you that information if your name is on the account. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Thank you everyone for all the advice, I appreciate everyone of you who have posted I'll have to try and respond to your questions a little later right now my mind is racing at 1000 mph how can somebody do this to another human being? 10 years of breaking my back and for what? 10 years wasted, 10 years down the drain Just got a text message asking me what time I was picking her from the airport tomorrow replied and told her to take a cab **** her That was actually the perfect response. She needs to realize that her actions are completely unacceptable for a married woman and that she will no longer receive the benefits of a loving and doting spouse. She has enjoyed the fun and freedom of a little getaway with a new man. Now she needs to experience firsthand what life will be like without you doing all of the things you do for her. She is deep deep deep in the affair fog and doesn't grasp the reality yet. She needs to experience the reality by living in a crappy little apartment without you there supporting her and doing all of the loving things you do for her day in and day out. Getting a cab is the perfect start to her new life on her own. Well played Hero, well played. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 The playing field, as it were, will never be level again. She cheated on you with another man. Even if you were able to forgive her, divorce or not, you will never forget. A BH has to accept that he is settling for less than "fair" and just deal with it. I, absolutely, 100%, agree and I absolutely would feel this way. But, again, it's not my 10 years spent in this relationship; many BS DO take the WS back. Again, since she's followed the script of a cheater, to the letter so far, I don't doubt she be back pleading and begging for forgiveness and to get back together. And, since she won't really mean a word of it, it'll all be because Mr. Romeo no longer wants her and she'll hate the thought of being alone. I don't get the impression that she wants to be single, to date around...she's a "d*ck swinger"...i.e., a woman who won't let go of the last d*ck, 'til she's got a firm grip on the next one. MOST men deserve better than that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 How were you able to read this text message if she has her phone with her out of town? easy, the phone is in my name Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Phone company will give you that information if your name is on the account. They can give you all of the text messages? I worked for a cell phone company and did not have that capability. Link to post Share on other sites
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