Do You See What I See?

[pteromom]

Do you have children?

 

I am sorry about what you found in the text messages. That is horrible.

[Hero]

They can give you all of the text messages? I worked for a cell phone company and did not have that capability.

 

The phone has a backup system that allows me to access everything from the day the phone first went into service. My wife knows nothing about this. I put it there, I'm in the tech field, this is what I do. I can also log into the account online and see all the activity for the past 90 days.

[Krashi]

I would have a friend present and/or a VAR ready for the confrontation. A person who would ridicule you like this is capable of a lot. Watch for the false domestic violence allegation. Happens a lot with these types.

[aliveagain]

and the hits just keep on coming

 

Found her itinerary for this trip.

It wasn't a business trip, it was a company fun trip before the holiday.

Apparently they were encouraged to bring their spouses. Funny how she left that little part out

Also checked her panty drawer and found a pair of crotchless, she's never worn these for me

terrific

 

I did talk to her (she called me) she was pissed, I told her in all the years we've been married her phone has never died,

she apologized and said she probably needs a new phone, told her I was tired and will talk more when she gets home.

 

Thanks everyone for all the responses, I promise to read them all and respond with more later, right now I am just emotionally spent, but to answer a few quick questions,

 

My wife is 39, but you would never believe that if you saw her, she takes very good care of herself

 

I didn't want to mention it before because I thought it was TMI, but yes, she did recently shave down there.

Don't know much about this guy but according to his facebook page he's VERY single.

 

VARS, GPS, Key logger for Home PC on the way

Had a good P.I. recommended to me

Will have phone records later today

 

I'll try to address some of the other questions later, but right now I'm exhausted and my mind is a mess,

I've gone from shock, to denial, to pissed, to wondering where it all went wrong.

 

I finally decided to accept the fact that my marriage may be over

I'm not perfect, but I haven't done anything to make her treat me like this, she owns this

I gave her everything she wanted, working sun up to sun down

I took care of business in the bedroom and made sure I complimented her

I stayed attentive, but I never smothered her

I don't understand what more I could have done

 

To hell with it, calling a lawyer, she's lost her mind if she thinks I'm going to put up with this crap

 

This my friend says it all, read the bolded parts over and over and over again. There is absolutely no way she can explain forgetting to invite you except to say she didn't want you there because she was there with her boyfriend. Check credit cards for anything unusual. The crotch less panties were not for you if you have never seen them. Do not have unprotected sex with her and you may want to have a headache for the next little while. Please take this time to talk to a lawyer while she is away. Have your PI start by being at the airport to see who she's with when she lands. Have him check out the O/M. I would bet money, lots of money that they have been having sex. Please read up on the 180 and make the 180 your new mantra. She knows your on to her and she and her boyfriend have teamed up against you so watch the communication between them. She will probably get a burner phone so start checking old coat pockets at the back of the closet that she never wears. One of the tests after confrontation should be a pregnancy test, have her prove that she is not pregnant because they always lie about using protection.

[lchf]

Some great advice here OP. Really horrible horrible situation. +1 on an STD test as well. You have no idea what they've been doing behind your back.

[Try]

The phone has a backup system

From a backup, that works.

[Buckeye2]

The phone has a backup system that allows me to access everything from the day the phone first went into service. My wife knows nothing about this. I put it there, I'm in the tech field, this is what I do. I can also log into the account online and see all the activity for the past 90 days.

 

No matter what her texts say she may try some BS explanation. One woman texted her other man: “Come over and f@ck me now.” She explained to her husband that they were roll playing and never touched each other.

 

You may already have all the facts that you need now (i.e.100% did have sex) and not need to implement option #2 so that she lowers her guard.

 

If you still need option #2 she may be able to pick up that something is wrong no matter how normal you try to act. Pick a actual small stressor and workand make it bigger. Blame it for why you’rea little off and why you had such a short fuse when she didn’t answer your calls.

 

If you really want to make her feel safe enough to do something you can catch, apologize for your bad behavior.

[Hero]

For those who have asked about how I accessed the phone records and text messages, I work in the tech field, I back up everything. I purchased this phone for my wife when she started her new job 6 months ago. I had no intention of snooping on her, I put the the back up system in place just as a precaution, it was just a force of habit. I got suspicious when she put the pass code on there, but I didn't snoop until today.

 

It's one of those things that you hope you never need

then the day arrives that realize you're glad it was there.

 

The only thing I don't have access to is her work laptop

[66Charger]

My only suggestion is to not let her enjoy one more moment of her "work trip".

 

Send her a text right now.

 

"I am divorcing you.

 

Signed, The fool"

 

Attach a photo of her bikini shot

 

Then go dark. Let her nightmare start right now. No more conversations. No more investigations. "The fool" is enough information

[Sandy43]

I agree with 66, I would ruin the rest of the trip and let her know she is busted.

[Buckeye2]

Just got a text message asking me what time I was picking her from the airport tomorrow

 

replied and told her to take a cab

 

**** her

 

Even if you have her dead to rights and are going to confront immediately when she gets home put a VAR under her car seat while she’s away. You can learn a great deal from what she says to the other man and her friends.

 

DO NOT tell her that you can see her texts.

 

Confront her with the other stuff (FB, shaving, not answering phone, etc.) Make her wonder if a friend saw them or that you must have had a PI. That will drive her crazy and YOU CAN STILL MONITOR HER TEXTS after the $hit hits the fan.

[Buckeye2]

I purchased this phone for my wife when she started her new job 6 months ago. I had no intention of snooping on her, I put the the back up system in place just as a precaution, it was just a force of habit. I got suspicious when she put the pass code on there, but I didn't snoop until today.

 

Can you go back the 6 months or just the 90 days?

[Try]

@Hero: Is there any reason why you did not hire a P.I. to monitor her activities with the other man today?

[Hero]

Trying really hard to pull myself together, last time I cried was at my mom's funeral,

have a reputation of being the strong silent type, but a little while ago I couldn't hold it in any longer and I just broke down.

 

I would have moved heaven and earth for this woman, she knows that

No one ever had a hold on me like she did.

I think that's my problem right there, I spoiled her.

 

My son snapped me out it when he called a little while ago.

With everything going on I completely forgot about the holidays

My son and his wife will be here Wednesday for Thanksgiving.

Didn't tell him what was going on, but he could sense something was wrong.

 

Yes, I have an adult son, she has no kids, she can't.

 

May have to change plans and hold off until after the holiday.

If we divorce I really don't care what she wants to take with her

But she can't have my d@mn dog, I love this dog

she can go, the dog stays, my dog is loyal

[Buckeye2]

Can you go back the 6 months or just the 90 days?

 

You already answered this. Sorry.

[Hero]

I know the general consensus is to confront while she's away, but my son will be here with his wife for the holidays and I just have a feeling it will ruin the mood. He loves my wife very much, he's going to be so disappointed when he finds out.

 

Her father is a pastor, her mother is as old school as they come

they are going to be devastated, this sucks on so many levels

[WomenWubber]

Assuming there are not children involved...

 

Do not say another word to her except "it's over".

 

She's now your enemy. Do not listen to anything she has to say. Protect yourself legally. Serve her the papers and prepare for war.

[katielee]

Hero - do what you need to do. Know that confrontation and the aftermath will be messy and complicated and painful no matter when you do it. Just don't not do it.

Best wishes!!

[Hero]

@Hero: Is there any reason why you did not hire a P.I. to monitor her activities with the other man today?

 

Just don't see the point after reading all those messages and seeing all those calls,

 

if it walks like a duck

[aliveagain]

Tell her she can have the dog she's on holidays with and by the way you'll be talking to her HR department for overlooking you on the invite. Why don't you copy O/M's video onto her Facebook for all to see? Have moving box's there for when she get's home, offer to help her pack. If you really want to have fun with her, cancel her credit cards if they are in your name. You have more than enough proof to end this marriage, a video of them having sex isn't required.

[Hero]

My only suggestion is to not let her enjoy one more moment of her "work trip".

 

Send her a text right now.

 

"I am divorcing you.

 

Signed, The fool"

 

Attach a photo of her bikini shot

 

Then go dark. Let her nightmare start right now. No more conversations. No more investigations. "The fool" is enough information

 

got all warm and fuzzy reading this

you have no idea how badly I would love to do this right now

my son visiting just threw a wet blanket over everything

will keep for future reference, thanks

[Krashi]

I know the general consensus is to confront while she's away, but my son will be here with his wife for the holidays and I just have a feeling it will ruin the mood. He loves my wife very much, he's going to be so disappointed when he finds out.

 

Her father is a pastor, her mother is as old school as they come

they are going to be devastated, this sucks on so many levels

I would tell him, regardless. You are his blood. His loyalty will lay with you, as it should, especially since she is the offender.

I cannot see how one could possibly pull off some type of charade re acting normal with this level of pain and trauma.

In any case, what is the point of delaying telling. he will know soon thereafter, right? This way, he will be there for you physically to support you.

This woman cares not for your son. She does not even care about you, so why would she about him?

Bust her completely and publicly ( at lest to your support group and her family).

Believe me, you will be painted as a villain by her to anyone that will listen. Best to get out in front of this.

[66Charger]

There is no point. Digital doesnt lie. Do not dig for details. It will fry your brain. . Prepare yourself. I really dont see how you can fake the holidays, but thats your choice. Your son will know and so will she. It may be better to confront now and agree that you will both keep it quiet until after the holidays. What a burden to carry.

 

Dont have anything else to say.

 

Strength and Honor

[lolablue17]

Hero dear. I've read all this thread! You can't really think clearly right now. Don't make any decision, don't talk to her right now, don't do anything because you're not in shape to do so.

 

You're not in her league. She will manipulate you like you won't know where it's coming from. Your attitude is very very weak, you have no strategy. She will eat you like a roll of bread. Yes, she is cheating on you. Read carefully and try to set a few rules on yourself.

 

1. She's lied so many times. Don't believe anything she says. Her words\explanations\excuses\accusations, mean nothing. There for, you really dont want to hear any of it. Why does it matter to you what is her exact strategy and which lies she chooses to tell you? It means nothing.

 

2. All her reactions (starting the day you were surprising her at work and ending at her last texts) are the most shallow typical cheaters behavior in the book. Theses are boring quotes from the cheaters bible. Don't fall for it.

 

3. I guess you will not be able to fulfill sections 1 and 2, as i read you, so try this... What ever you want to do or say or ask her, do it while you're in a powerfull position.

 

How do you gain power? You have to create a situation in which

 

A. She doesn't know anything, she can't read you at all. she doesn't know what you know...

B. She is scared to death that you're serious. She will believe that you're serious only if she knows you're going to dump her. So...

 

When she comes home, tell her ONLY 2 things.

1. It is over between us.

2. I know everything. (without adding any detail)

That's it. If you feel you have to talk further, repeat those words over and over.

 

After few days, She must make lots of efforts in order to make you talking to her. tell her that the only way you are willing to listen, that if she start telling you everything. If she's lying even once, conversation over, bye bye...

 

I advice you simultaneously to go to a lawyer, and start the paper work. Next time she wants to talk, tell her that next time you're willing to talk to her is only after she's quitting her job.

 

Never make accusations, never be angry with her about her affair or behavior. Try to pretend indifferent.

I'm so sorry for you...

Edited November 23, 2015 by lolablue17

[mrldii]

got all warm and fuzzy reading this

you have no idea how badly I would love to do this right now

my son visiting just threw a wet blanket over everything

will keep for future reference, thanks

 

 

I know it feels good. Planning/plotting revenge does feel good.

 

Just don't waste an actual nanosecond of real time doing it.

 

 

Thanksgiving's gonna be tough. Personally, I'd ask her not to be there; no reason to keep up a facade for 10 years and a day, yanno?

 

Whether she's there or not, it's not like it's gonna be a happy day. If she's there, the tension will be so thick your son'll be able to cut it with a knife; if she's not, her absence will be noticed...and discussed.

 

All things (her father, her mother, your son, this Thanksgiving, the holidays, etc.) she should have thought of before hitching her little star to some other guy's wagon. She made this bed in the muck she's now lying in...let her get covered in it.