SummerDreams Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 OP you never mentioned your age. Is it right of me to assume you are a lot older than your wife? Do you see her as a trophy wife, being that beautiful and looking so young and all? Is her not being able to have kids a factor you chose her? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Please trust me, I've been doing this for a couple decades, and I know what will work with a cheating woman and what won't. The ONLY hope you have of saving the marriage is swift, firm, confident willingness to DITCH HER - TODAY- if she doesn't come 100% clean and make a vow to end it and quit her job. TODAY. No excuses, no 'let me have closure,' no nothing. Women have to respect their men; she went with him because he was 'strong' enough to pursue her; it's in women's DNA to be attracted to that. She'll swing that vision back around to you ONLY if you react swiftly, strongly, and confidently. Print off what Turnera said and post it on your refridgerator, bathroom mirror and steering wheel so you are seeing it throughout the day every day. Even if you do not decide to reconcile and move forward with divorce, it still applies. Your strength and determination and how well you enforce boundaries will determine how you come out and what position you will be in whether you attempt reconciliation or divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 That was very subtle New Leaf. Reread post #77 , should answer your questions. I'm not sure what is meant by the above however I did read post #77. Just so I understand OP put spying sw on the phone some time ago prior to giving it to WW? That was lucky to be there so that all of the information could be made plain. What was the reason for putting the sw initially? Was something suspect? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero, has she txt or called anyone else since you sent your txt? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero, Brace yourself for today. Probably one of two things is going to happen. (1) she will come home, knowing she has been totally caught, and try to apologize and tell you she is sorry and wants to try to make it up to you. THIS IS BULL ****. She obvioujsly has already gone to trouble deleting the FB stuff and hoping you do not have it all. (2) she will come home and be on the offensive and tell you she wants a divorce and is in love with OM bartender. Disregard that stupid comment you got about whether she is a trophy wife or not or that affairs are not the worst thing. What she did to you is as bad as it gets, and I am amazed at how she explained who this OM was whose lap she was sitting on at a company function with all her co workers. My guess is she might have just been at a hotel somewhere with OM and had not even really attended the company function. What would her bosses say??? There is noi more you have to find out. This is about as red handed as you could catch someone since you already recovered everything. I would stay away from the airport and the OM. The last thing you need right now is a physical confrontation with OM that lands you in jail. HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. YOUR WIFE IS!!! The only thing you apparently do not know is if any of your mutual friends knew what she was doing and just did not tell you what was going on. If you find that out, they are not your friends and you should jettison them also. I have never read on here where a WW blatantly brings someone not her husband to a work function and makes out with him , sits on his lap in a bikini at a function where everyone there knows the spouses WERE invited and many did bring their spouses and where the OM does not even work for the company. If they truly were at this company function, it is one strange group. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I agree, you do not want to punch this guy out. You will just end up in jail and the record will be used against you in divorce...giving her more of the property. Let us know what she says when she does show up at home....you need to remain calm and not tip your hand as to what you are going to do. For now, just see how honest she is with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Friskyone4u, I believe other man is a co-worker from her new job according to Hero on his first post. The thing that got my attention is the pictures and video's other man posted on his Facebook. Someone other than them took these video's if their both in them, other's are involved or are aware of their affair and may be facilitating their deception to you. Expect her to use these people to confirm that she acted married and always slept alone in her own room or with one or two other ladies from the company that all watched out for each other or some other bullsh*t story. Exposure to her company may be helpful in ending the affair, talk to your lawyer first because it could impact your settlement if you divorce. Her company may fire one or both of them for fear of litigation specially if he is her superior. You absolutely need to talk to a lawyer, you own a business together. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero, one important note here....do not do anything to jeopardize her employment. This could come back to haunt you in the way of spousal support depending on the location you live. Laws can be funny (not humorous but strange) that way......keep a cool head and move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I agree with most of what has been posted here. you have all you need to either reconcile or divorce it is now just a decision you must make alone. Many of us have been where you are and instinctively look back in hindsight of our own situation and scream divorce, divorce. This is not a something you need to decide immediately. I have not seen this recommended yet but read up on 180 and begin implemnting the concepts now. She knows the gig is up and will act accordingly with blamg, gaslighting, compliants of unhappiness, rewriting relationship history. She was the bad guy and needs to justify her actions. This is often done with attempts at making you appear to be something you are not. This is where 180 works wonders. It is difficult to implement at times but it speeds up the healing and eliminates drama. I wish I had known of 180 when I wad going through what you are experiencing. Good luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Print off what Turnera said and post it on your refridgerator, bathroom mirror and steering wheel so you are seeing it throughout the day every day. Actually I'm a male BH and if I printed that out I would just file it under sexist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 hey everyone, have a few updates on my sitch. can't go into details right now, need to get some work done meeting with attorney today - D papers should be ready to go no action for 3 months, but will schedule an STD test anyway - can't be too careful STBXW and OM apparently had a lovers spat that got so loud other co-workers had to step in - (whatever) BTW, he is her superior, she's his (cough) assistant STBXW finally did respond, she knows I have the goods, never revealed my hand She'll be here later today to move out some of her things My brother will be here and VAR will be on she went from anger to tears in 0 point 3 seconds the tears, omg the tears - (um yeah, whatever) I think my STBXW is broken, she needs some serious help and I hope she gets it she'll be staying at a hotel here in town until we get this sorted out she should be comfortable there - it's got a pool 22 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero, I want to apologize for saying that she's out of your league, and that you're weak. Though i meant that you're weak now, only because you can't think clearly now, and i meant "out of you league in the area of deceptions, lies, wickedness, manipulations... I understand now that i was wrong. You're are a strong man, you've managed to collect yourself in the middle of a hurricane, I take back everything i wrote. I admire you. no harm no foul thanks for the support 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Hero, Unfortunately you have no idea what her work climate is. When my EX WH was cheating on me left and right, he told everyone at work that he and I were separated. When anyone saw me they were quiet and respectful.. It wasn't until after did I get hordes of people searching me out and apologizing. He snowed everyone, including a lot of women. You won't get the taste of vindication there I'm afraid. I never did. It sounds cliche, but start building up your emotional walls. She is coming home and she will either try to chip away at them to get back in, or tear away at you to justify her choice. Do not be vulnerable. Do not let her have even a foothold into you, anymore. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, and have a drink or two but keep an eye on that, it can go from a little fun to heavy self medicating very fast. Hugs Edited November 24, 2015 by EverySunset Cross post: you sound so strong! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Actually I'm a male BH and if I printed that out I would just file it under sexist. Assuming Tunera is right about women and this alpha male attraction deal ( which is debatable), one needs to wonder whether attracting a woman with this type of value system is worth it. This is , particularly, true in this woman's case, as she has not just demonstrated a loss of attraction, but has coupled it with lying and ridicule of her husband. I know the stats on successful reconciliations are abysmal. Most people , simply, cannot tolerate this level of disrespect. These are normal, typically forgiving people, but when betrayed like this, the resentment ( rightfully) is just too much. Trust is forever gone. Having to act like a warden is not appealing. Trying to remain "alpha" vs relaxing and enjoying life is just to much effort extending too far into one's dotage etc. IMO, reconciling is consigning oneself to a lifetime of mistrust and constant vigilance, and a shytload of extra work and effort that would be just too exhausting. Let women like this chase the bad boy , alpha male ( many of whom are, in reality, very weak). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero, Unfortunately you have no idea what her work climate is. When my EX WH was cheating on me left and right, he told everyone at work that he and I were separated. When anyone saw me they were quiet and respectful.. It wasn't until after did I get hordes of people searching me out and apologizing. He snowed everyone, including a lot of women. You won't get the taste of vindication there I'm afraid. I never did. It sounds cliche, but start building up your emotional walls. She is coming home and she will either try to chip away at them to get back in, or tear away at you to justify her choice. Do not be vulnerable. Do not let her have even a foothold into you, anymore. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, and have a drink or two but keep an eye on that, it can go from a little fun to heavy self medicating very fast. Hugs You're right, I've only met a handful of her co-workers The environment seems be toxic to say the least Thanks I'll make sure and take good care of myself I'm not a heavy drinker at all, last night was a one and done I don't even keep alcohol in the house My dog even knew this wasn't like me I just took a couple of shots of tequila, laid down on the sofa in my man cave and he sat there and licked my face til I fell asleep man's best friend - God I love my dog 10 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) Listen to your lawyer, you may have a case against her company if he is her superior. If nothing else it could help you in your settlement. You need to bring her parents up to speed, she needs help. The lovers spat is him throwing your wife under the bus to save his job. Edited November 24, 2015 by aliveagain 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Hero she went from anger to tears in 0 point 3 seconds Forget her tears. She sure did not have any for the past few days while she was banging him. Smart move having someone else there as witness. my guess is she probably figured out his FB posts surely gave her away and she's probably blaming him for ruining her party time. Not sure what kind of organization they work for but if it is now public knowledge they are in an affair, it is hard to believe they will not have any consequences. not your problem though. Keep your foot on the pedal. There is NOTHING she can say to you that indicates she is anything but regretful she got caught, although she was so so blatant who knows what is in her head. And by the way, concentrate on yourself. Whatever help she needs is her problem. it's called a consequence of adultery. She earned it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Boyfriend just discovered your onto him. She just discovered that she is just an easy piece of married on the side and nothing else. She probably just got told she has to quit her job or he would find a way to fire her because his job is more important to him than she is. He doesn't want her or her baggage, she just learned what she really means to him. Tell her parents, her world just crashed around her, everyone at work will be talking about her, she has nowhere to go. There is no way of telling what she is capable of doing when it all really hits her in her hotel room. She is going from a major affair high to having lost everything in just under 10 hours, tell her parents. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Just out of curiosity, I pull up his page and just sat there like somebody had just punched me in thegut. He's got pictures of my wife in a bikini, sitting on his lap and pretending to playfully bite his ear...WTH??? Then to top it off there's a video on there where he's chasing my wife around the pool, grabbing her by the waist and tossing her in the water. I see them laughing and drinking at the bar, she's sitting on his lap smiling and biting his ear, then he's chasing her around the pool grabbing her by the waistand tossing her in the water. STBXW and OM apparently had a lovers spat that got so loud other co-workers had to step in -(whatever) You said that the stuff on the FB page had been taken down. They figured out that the FB page tipped you off and you wife pissed at the OM for being so stupid. Reinforce that by stressing the FB page is what did her in when you talk to her. It will make her even more upset with the OM. She will blame him for her life being over. Come up with a pet name for the OM that relates to his intelligence. It can be sarcastic like “Mr. Brilliant.” Then you can say things like: “Have a good life with Mr. Brilliant.” Or “It’s bad enough to be cheated on but to do it with Mr. Brilliant is really insulting.” “How in the world did an idiot that that getto be a supervisor?” “On the other hand may be he's really smart. May be he wanted to be caught so that you would be free to marry him. Don’t invite me to the wedding." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 It is a benefit to you that he is her superior. It is a huge problem also. If this blew up at a work function, it is going to be all over the workplace the next day. Expect HR to ask some questions. She could be fired. She is new and she already is causing drama at work? They really cant fire her without firing him. Thats a discrimination lawsuit easy. He cant really throw her under the bus. Heads may roll without you doing anything. You could rightfully sue and win. The problem is that she will now be unemployed. That will effect your divorce. You need to move quickly. Be firm but amicable. say what you have to say to get it done. Or you can blow it all up and sue her company and pay for any additional cost out of the settlement. Its legal now. Listen to your lawyer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 I agree with most of what has been posted here. you have all you need to either reconcile or divorce it is now just a decision you must make alone. Many of us have been where you are and instinctively look back in hindsight of our own situation and scream divorce, divorce. This is not a something you need to decide immediately. I have not seen this recommended yet but read up on 180 and begin implemnting the concepts now. She knows the gig is up and will act accordingly with blamg, gaslighting, compliants of unhappiness, rewriting relationship history. She was the bad guy and needs to justify her actions. This is often done with attempts at making you appear to be something you are not. This is where 180 works wonders. It is difficult to implement at times but it speeds up the healing and eliminates drama. I wish I had known of 180 when I wad going through what you are experiencing. Good luck... 180? what's that? Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Stress his stupidity - no way can someone who cares about you abet in throwing your life away. And risk a huge lawsuit for his company. My wh did the same - really effed up his company. And he risked me losing my kids 50% of the time and changing my life when I wasn't in on it. This guy sounds like a douche. They really think their little relationship will be the first one in the history of the world w out consequences or fallout. Because they're so special and no one will ever find out. Because they're so smart and special. Sung in the key of me me me me. I'm really sorry hero, this has been a total trigger for me and I feel horribly for you. Remember: even though your son is an adult, still model values and morals to him - he needs 1 parent who can do that. This is what kept me from hitting cougar bars and trashing the mow after d day when I was viscerally pissed. I'm so glad I kept my cool - excellent long term returns on not being a lunatic or criminal. Sending you bad ass power dude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hero Posted November 24, 2015 Author Share Posted November 24, 2015 Boyfriend just discovered your onto him. She just discovered that she is just an easy piece of married on the side and nothing else. She probably just got told she has to quit her job or he would find a way to fire her because his job is more important to him than she is. He doesn't want her or her baggage, she just learned what she really means to him. Tell her parents, her world just crashed around her, everyone at work will be talking about her, she has nowhere to go. There is no way of telling what she is capable of doing when it all really hits her in her hotel room. She is going from a major affair high to having lost everything in just under 10 hours, tell her parents. Just got off the phone with her dad, (he called me) She told him everything, I'm a little shocked that she told him the truth (wasn't expecting that) Anyway, I love this guy like a son loves a father I won't lie, we both got a little choked up he's rock solid, very disappointed in his daughter He asked me if I could ever find it in my heart to forgive her I said sure, but I'm just not there yet He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife 13 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 He said I should remember what the bible says about forgiveness I promised him I would but that right now all I can remember is what it says about a man divorcing his cheating wife this is awesome... forgiveness is a process that comes down the line after time, without or without reconciling with your spouse. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 180? what's that? The 180 | AFFAIRCARE 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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