Do You See What I See?

[S2B]

Posters may be mixing up many here who think they are reconciling with a poster who actually has a boundary.

 

She crossed his boundary - he's taken action on her crossing his boundary.

 

What's so hard to believe? That someone here might actually honor themself? It happens. Some folks who have been cheated on know they deserve better than that!

 

Some folks don't tolerate being treated like crap while the cheating spouse lies and pretends behind their back - all the while smiling to their face.

 

Some folks don't intend to put tons of time and energy into waiting and waiting to see if a cheating spouse can be decent again - can learn to grow a conscience.

 

What's so hard to believe about that?

 

I think it's a healthy choice when a betrayed spouse shows with actions that they will not be treated with that level of disrespect and disregard.

 

 

Heck, most posters start out by saying "my spouse is SO beautiful" blah blah blah - but now she's cheated. Oh, since she's so pretty I'm gonna forgive her. Then they find out the good looking ones never stopped cheating at all - they just learned to hide it better.

 

 

Guess what? I'm one of those that's so pretty and always have been - but I never considered cheating. Cheating doesn't solve problems. My exH was very attractive and I divorced him after 23 years together because I KNEW I had been a great wife and I didn't deserve to be cheated on!

 

Sometimes you just KNOW you deserve better than what they plan to serve you.

 

 

And it's not like they are gonna change it! You want change? You have to be the one that implements that change!

 

 

Expecting the cheater to suddenly become something they aren't is not realistic.

[Marc878]

nothing to update today guys,

calls from in-laws have stopped.

 

my sister and my son have both made it back home okay

my son made it home just before an ice storm covered the roads, thank god!

 

STBXW keeps messaging me to let me know every thing she does

every place she goes, keeps saying "I know our love can survive this"

 

I still haven't responded to anything

 

whatever

 

spending quality time hanging out with my big brother

we hung out today, watched a couple of movies, took Hero to the park

 

my brother has been pretty quiet through all of this,

just letting me work through my emotions, a shoulder of wisdom to lean on

 

I love my family, all we have is each other, when one hurts, we all hurt

 

got him for one more day then it's just me and Hero

 

see you guys later, have a great evening!

 

Translation: I'm banking on your love for me can get Me back in the house and my credit cards reinstated

[SummerDreams]

Keep going Hero.

 

You are doing great.

 

Let her stew. She really needs to.

 

I don't find this a mature approach to grown up problems. Couples need to talk. Avoiding the problem or letting the other person become more and more frustrated will not lead to good things. Love means you can work together as a couple even when the one part has screwed up very hard. All the past is not forgotten and disregarded with one (huge of course) mistake. This couple needs to talk, let her explain her actions, exchange feelings, understand each other and go from there.

[Just a Guy]

Hero, I would like to reiterate my advice to you as given in a previous post to consider divorce and then letting your WW woo you, doing the so called 'Heavy lifting' before you consider getting back with her. This is because she must suffer the consequences of her infidelity and disrespect towards you, and also to get some seperation from the pain of this event and also to eliminate the baggage that would tag along if tried a simple reconciliation. It would also give you the opportunity to date other eligible women to help you mske up your mind about your wife vis a vis others. That would also provide the propet perspective both for you and your wife. For you it would give a glimpse of what it could be like with someone else and for her it would reinforce the reality of what she stands to lose/ has lost. Take your time and think about it. Cheers!

Edited November 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[merrmeade]

Hero, I would like to reiterate my advice to you as given in a previous post to consider divorce and then letting your WW woo you, doing the so called 'Heavy lifting' before you consider getting back with her. This is because she must suffer the consequences of her infidelity and disrespect towards you, and also to get some seperation from the pain of this event and also to eliminate the baggage that would tag along if tried a simple reconciliation. It would also give you the opportunity to date other eligible women to help you mske up your mind about your wife vis a vis others. That would also provide the propet perspective both for you and your wife. For you it would give a glimpse of what it could be like with someone else and for her it would reinforce the reality of what she stands to lose/ has lost. Take your time and think about it. Cheers!

Agree. This is the only thing that will convince her, but you don't do it for her. You do it for yourself. Whether she comes around or not, you need to take care of you. Edited November 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[fellini]

The question for OP is this: Is the woman who did this to me the woman I married or has she crossed the line and put herself in this world without knowing where it was going. Once inside a certain phase of EA, it is too late to turn back because the desire to do so is too strong. Does she have a history of bailing on her primary relationship everytime something new and exciting comes along, a history of playing with the boundaries with other men, or is she the kind of spouse who always believed in "love until death do us part" but suddenly 10 years in, found herself crossing boundaries she never dreamed of doing, and would have been devastated thinking her own spouse would do. No description of a wayward is able to express fully this spectrum. People perhaps fall between the two opposites somewhere, but most people get it: Either this was a fall, or this is a pattern.

 

When my WW was telling her confidant about wanting to move from an EA to a PA with her AP, her confidant asked her: "Are you prepared to lose your husband and family for this?" and her response was "I'm not prepared to lose AP".

 

This is how cheaters think. They deliberately do NOT answer the question that would have them STOP what they are doing. Of course they cannot: to do so would END the infidelity immediately.

 

And the primary source for getting into the deeper issues of an infidelity, to better understand what was going on, what will pass, what will not pass and will remain forever, is through an open and honest discussion between the WS and BS. The answers are not all there, but the groundwork needs to begin there if it is answers you seek, and you want to move forward from this (either alone or together).

Edited November 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted posts~T

[road]

My H had an affair more than five years ago, and we were able to reconcile and move on. While only you can decide for yourself what to do next, if I had been in your shoes, I couldn't have reconciled because I don't think I would have been able to forgive the complete and utter disrespect and lack of empathy she showed you.

 

I know it could be argued that having an A was the ultimate form of disrespecting someone, but in your case, it wasn't just lies of omission, she lied right to your face, with zero problems and zero hesitation when you ran in to her at lunch. She then took her ability to hide what she was doing, and your inability to see it, and used that to further disrespect you by calling you an insulting name.

 

Add to that she was willing to risk having you find out ( inappropriate photos taken in the pool, flirting in front of coworkers at the hotel, fighting with OM in the hall) and she is either totally out of touch with reality or she didn't care too much if you found out.

 

Based on what you say of her and her love of romance novels, she is one who is heavily drawn to a fantasy life and escapism. That's not an easy habit to break. She also sounds as if she was spoiled as a child, and developed the idea that he needs always come first. Again, a hard habit to break.

 

In the end, you need to figure out if you can ever trust her again, and also if you will ever be able to separate her form the A. If you can't, it's not fair to either one of you to stay together.

 

 

 

I did not see much reason to like this thread for the disrespectful behavior that was mentioned was just standard WS behavior during an affair.

[road]

Are you thinking of a similar story where the wife seemed innocent because she left her phone lying around but then ended up having a second phone? I thought that story was on this site, but I could be wrong.

 

Uh, a WW having a second phone is not unique, rare, special, though it can best be noted that a WW having a second phone to be quite common.

[road]

It's often stated that the cheating wife is ultra pretty... Causing many to want to reconcile due to looks.

 

It's more to do with a person not having a conscience - to which you can't force any person to grow a conscience.

 

 

There's a big difference between a person who's sorry they did it and sorry they got caught.

 

I see his wife as the latter.

 

 

 

There are WW's that are both. It is not one or the other.

[William]

This thread closed for review. ~Thank you