she texted me "I miss you" after I went NC

[BriNyc82]

3am? Nothing good ever happens after 1 am. Just because she miss you doesn't necessarily mean she wants to repair things. I would tread lightly. Good luck!!

[dumbass2]

Do not see her! I know you want back with this girl, but be strong.

 

She sent you a text at 3am! Please do not respond to that breadcrumb. she may have just been drunk and lonely or just been rejected by another guy. She knows what you want and if she wanted to try again and be sincere, her text would have been at a more appropriate hour and had more substance.

[ravfour4]

I didn't read your backstory, but most people on here say to go NC and to tell them that you only want to hear from them if they're looking to make things work...and that's exactly what you did. Now everyone is telling you to run?

 

A few questions - how do you feel about her? Did you move on for the most part or see anyone else during those 3 months of NC? Or have you really missed her and continued to love her that whole time? If the former, go for it, meet up with her, maybe it will be amazing and she sincerely misses you. If it's the latter and you really doubt her sincerity, maybe test the waters with a text or two.

 

I think you'd regret not seeing her after she texted you that after telling her not to contact you unless she wanted to reconcile. I'm sure it's not the first night she went out drinking so something happened that made her send you that message - go see what it was. If she's flakey, get out of there and never look back.

[Simon Phoenix]

Bad idea jeans. "I miss you" does not mean that she wants to be with you. If that text is at all a legitimate indicator that she wants to get back with you, you ignoring it won't dissuade her. It'll make her be more direct and up the ante.

 

It's one thing if you were recovered and moved on and didn't care, but it's obvious you're not at that stage. This chick has played games with you continuously. It's up to her to prove to you that she's serious, and her text didn't do that.

Edited June 28, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Jemay]

Trust me, this is not gonna work, if she really wanted to be with you she would have made it work by now. I'm sure she misses you, but, she doesn't want to be with you, and there's no chance in hell that's gonna change.

 

I've been in that situation before, where I'm sad, lonely, and I mentally go through my ex list, and I get nostalgic, and I think, wow, I miss him.... but!!!!! I don't go back to my ex and tell him that, cause I personally know that's stupid. Ex's are for the past, and to remain in the past. Only very, very seldom there may be the exception, don't think your situation is that exception, cause you two have had opportunities to make it work and she's not participated. Stay NC for your sake. I'm sure she's nice but since you don't want friendship with her move on.

[endlessabyss]

Someone else must not be giving her validation right now.

 

 

Like everyone else has said; move the hell on.

[heyitsmike]

we dated for 15 months prior to our breakup last june, and she was honestly a great girlfriend. she was a former model, studying to become a PA & EMT, great family, etc. but i know i cant put her up on a pedestal like that all the time and i constantly remind myself why this ended and what she did.

 

and what she did simply was be "wishy washy" with me last summer. she cited reasons of depression, school work, etc when in reality im pretty sure she developed an attraction to this guy whose 11 years older than her and who volunteers w/ her as an EMT. she probably rustled with those feelings all summer which caused her to be that way.

 

ive gone out on dates with girls since weve broken up, ive been intimate as well but its just a reminder that i want companionship and the ability to make love with someone and connect genuinely (not just one night stands)

 

i didnt end up texting her back yet, or for coffee for that matter. at most for now i might tread lightly with a "hey" text and kind of keep it short with her to see what "i miss you" really means

[Simon Phoenix]

we dated for 15 months prior to our breakup last june, and she was honestly a great girlfriend. she was a former model, studying to become a PA & EMT, great family, etc. but i know i cant put her up on a pedestal like that all the time and i constantly remind myself why this ended and what she did.

 

and what she did simply was be "wishy washy" with me last summer. she cited reasons of depression, school work, etc when in reality im pretty sure she developed an attraction to this guy whose 11 years older than her and who volunteers w/ her as an EMT. she probably rustled with those feelings all summer which caused her to be that way.

 

ive gone out on dates with girls since weve broken up, ive been intimate as well but its just a reminder that i want companionship and the ability to make love with someone and connect genuinely (not just one night stands)

 

i didnt end up texting her back yet, or for coffee for that matter. at most for now i might tread lightly with a "hey" text and kind of keep it short with her to see what "i miss you" really means

 

The "hey" is too much. I mean, she's been wishy-washy to you in the past multiple times. All a "hey" is going to do is encourage her to continue the same pattern that she's effectively executed on you. What motivation is there for her to change her behavior if she doesn't have to? A "hey" is not going to flush out any greater commitment from her -- you're better off staying silent and ignoring.

[ravfour4]

If you can't resist the temptation to respond - I wouldn't just say hey. Say something like "are you interested in working on us? Or did you just miss me late that night". You'll get your answer.

[mtnbiker3000]

If you can't resist the temptation to respond - I wouldn't just say hey. Say something like "are you interested in working on us? Or did you just miss me late that night". You'll get your answer.

 

You already know the answer to this...

[foolinlove79]

Let me translate for u....she doesnt care the pain she cauaed you ahe just doesn't want you to move on. My ex did the same. He is actively dating and still sends messages like that. The other night he sent me a text right before he went out on a date with someone Else. Seriously its just bull****

[mightycpa]

Ravfour4 is a hopeless romantic! I don't know how he does it, but he believes in spite of all evidence to the contrary!

 

So let's break it down, Mike:

 

I'm writing this to you because I generally mean this Mike,

OK, so the reason she's writing you is that she wants you to KNOW something. This is sentimentality speaking

but I miss you.

that was the something

And I hope you never forget that.

this repeats the first thing she said and gives you a clue that she does not intend to stick around to remind you in the future

I really, truly miss you.

that repeats what she wants you to know

Just shoot me a text when, and if you can.

The other thing she wants is to know whether her sentimentality is important to you. She's taking your temperature here.

If you want to.

And there it is, the tell. This wasn't:

1. Call me in the morning.
   
2. Call me as soon as you get this.
   
3. Come over as soon as you can.
   

It was

Let me know that what I think is important to you, so that I'll be able to sleep at 3am instead of wondering if you hate me or if you've forgotten about me.

 

That's not breadcrumbs and it's not bait. It's your former boss, wanting to know if you'll help with something without the expectation of payment.

 

Don't sell yourself for such a cheap price. Make her work for it, and find out how much you're really worth to her.

[hoping2heal]

I think if you don't text her you will be "what-if" ing for a long time and that could actually end up keeping the wound open, not helping it heal.

 

I would say something like that "Thank you, I appreciate that but I have already let you know where I stand and my mind has not changed on that position".

 

This really cuts right to the chase and if this is a case of remorse on her part she's going to step up and say something. If this is just the run of the mill lonely/needs an ego boost/ oh wheres a guy to validate me fishing, she'll move the crap along.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you can't resist the temptation to respond - I wouldn't just say hey. Say something like "are you interested in working on us? Or did you just miss me late that night". You'll get your answer.

 

This is a great way to get a first-class ticket into limbo.

 

If you have to say something (I sure as hell wouldn't) I would go with the one below. Pretty much cuts any ego-boosting and breadcrumbing off at the source.

 

I think if you don't text her you will be "what-if" ing for a long time and that could actually end up keeping the wound open, not helping it heal.

 

I would say something like that "Thank you, I appreciate that but I have already let you know where I stand and my mind has not changed on that position".

 

This really cuts right to the chase and if this is a case of remorse on her part she's going to step up and say something. If this is just the run of the mill lonely/needs an ego boost/ oh wheres a guy to validate me fishing, she'll move the crap along.

[Poutrew]

Mike, was your ex-gf a happy drunk? When I read her text message, the image of a drunk, leaning against me and telling me, completely inebriated, how much he 'loves me' in a way only a drunk can... then passes out and wakes up next day with no memory and a headache:p I think you should just let it go. If she never contacts you again, then put the first contact down as simply a drunk, booze-addled ex feeling the love...

[heyitsmike]

So an update:I got home yesterday and apparently my ex reached out to my friend Samantha ( who lives with me) that she misses me in a sense of not just friends , but also that she just broke up with that guy she was with because he treated her badly. samantha even went a step further after my ex told her this and brought up how well I treated her. My ex was fully aware of this, commenting that I treated her "like gold".

 

So now that I know a little more information it makes the situation a little clearer . If she really is genuine here then in my opinion she needs to prove it and show it with her actions rather than breadcrumbs and words. And if she was to bring up a future with me id have to have a long talk with her about key topics like regaining trust and really pick her brain. I do still have feelings for her but I'm just concerned about this being an emotional response from her after feeling the effects of a break up.

 

My initial idea is to text her "hey" to open it up and then say "is this something we Should talk about on the phone or is this just a drunk text"

 

With that being said, what do you think I should keep in mind and/ or do to get to a point where I can discuss her true intentions ?

[ravfour4]

Has there ever been a story on here where the person comes back full fledged saying I care about you so much I made a dire mistake? The dumper is likely hesitant and scared that the dumpee now hates them, has moved on or will deny them. Coming back with an "I miss you" or "can we talk?" Feeler seems much more plausible - if they don't get a response, why would they push harder only to likely get denied? It's stupid thinking.

 

A "hey" text seems totally pointless. Just ask if she'd like to meet up and talk about it, but recognize that if she just got out of a relationship, she's probably just wanting your companionship at the moment and may throw you back to plan B once she feels better. Maybe just say "would you like to talk about this in person?" If she says No - then obviously it was a weak late night drunk text with no weight to it. If she says yes - go for it.

[darkbloom]

Has there ever been a story on here where the person comes back full fledged saying I care about you so much I made a dire mistake? The dumper is likely hesitant and scared that the dumpee now hates them, has moved on or will deny them. Coming back with an "I miss you" or "can we talk?" Feeler seems much more plausible - if they don't get a response, why would they push harder only to likely get denied? It's stupid thinking.

 

A "hey" text seems totally pointless. Just ask if she'd like to meet up and talk about it, but recognize that if she just got out of a relationship, she's probably just wanting your companionship at the moment and may throw you back to plan B once she feels better. Maybe just say "would you like to talk about this in person?" If she says No - then obviously it was a weak late night drunk text with no weight to it. If she says yes - go for it.

 

If they don't come back with a full fledge apology about missing you and how much they screwed up, WHY would you want them back? It means they are probably cowardly and scared because they f-cked up but want to maintain their control of the dumpee. And it will be super easy for them to walk right out the door again because it was easy. And they didn't have to work or make themselves vulnerable.

 

Op, I would remain silent until she comes directly to you with her information. Disseminating information to your roommate is so highschool.

 

She better be banging on your door telling you that she misses being treated like gold. If you do all the leg work with the communication and meeting her half way, how do you expect it to last? You didn't mess up. She did. Why would you do that to yourself?

[dumbass2]

Know that you have more info on what happened with her, you are in the drivers seat. No need to text her anything right now. She knows you are there and she knows what you want. You do not need to repeat it to her. You should not want her right at this point. Let her start initiating some more. This is a bad time for you to be talking with her because she just broke up. Now that she doesn't have someone else there, let's see if she really misses you enough to want to get back. We had a feeling that was what happened. You can't make it that easy for her or she will do it again.

[mtnbiker3000]

Typical. Grass wasn't greener. Now shes back. Shocker!!!

 

You just have to ask yourself, how long until this happens again??

[Thistooshallpass21]

Screw it man go for it. If you truly love this girl you will always wonder. Everyone on here is always going to be against contact because it does hurt if it doesn't go your way but hell the wondering if not knowing is going to hurt just as bad! Tread lightly but go for it and hope for the best but expect the worst. Unless you don't feel it's right then don't contact her.

[Chi townD]

Ahh! So, she broke up with the douche rocket she left you for because he treated her badly. THEN, she reaches out to you (the guy that treated her like gold) "Hi Mr. Backup Plan! You're looking dapper today!"

 

 

Dude, you have to REALLY decide what her motivations are. You should be no one's second best or a consolation prize because things didn't go as planned with the other dude.

Edited June 29, 2015 by Chi townD

[ravfour4]

I'm just saying for the majority of couples that reconcile - it probably starts with an innocent "hey how's it going?" or "I've missed you, want to grab a drink?" text message after a period of NC - not some grand gesture. I'd say a grand gesture is needed if it's during the period where you're a total mess and she knows you love her, but if it's after the storm has passed - I wouldn't expect it - how could someone say they want you SO badly when they haven't seen you in months? You may have totally changed. You may have moved on to someone else. You test the waters, hang out and see what happens.

[mtnbiker3000]

If you truly love this girl you will always wonder. Everyone on here is always going to be against contact because it does hurt if it doesn't go your way but hell the wondering if not knowing is going to hurt just as bad!

 

Exactly what is there to wonder about??

[frigginlost]

I'm just saying for the majority of couples that reconcile - it probably starts with an innocent "hey how's it going?" or "I've missed you, want to grab a drink?" text message after a period of NC - not some grand gesture. I'd say a grand gesture is needed if it's during the period where you're a total mess and she knows you love her, but if it's after the storm has passed - I wouldn't expect it - how could someone say they want you SO badly when they haven't seen you in months? You may have totally changed. You may have moved on to someone else. You test the waters, hang out and see what happens.

 

Rav, you're barking up the wrong tree around here. :-)

 

I agree with you totally, but most folks around here do a lot of projecting (myself included). The best thing any poster here can do is gleen information and adapt it to what they are faced with. They know what's on the other side of the river (meaning their ex) and we truly don't.

 

Sometimes I laugh to myself in thinking that a pitch fork and a torch should be given away when you sign up for these boards.

 

Personally, I have never heard of someone coming straight out and saying "I screwed up, you're totally right, please take me back, I'll do anything, you're the greatest, etc". I have seen an ex try to move mountains to get back with someone (myself included) but communication never started with the ex pouring their guts out. To me, people that expect that to happen, harbor a lot of hate still...

Edited June 29, 2015 by frigginlost