she texted me "I miss you" after I went NC

[FancyFace]

I can tell, this is a thread that is going to go on forever and a day, and most likel, it just wont end well.

 

OP, your ex is super selfish and does not have the best intentions when it comes to you. The text, by her own admission, was most likely a way to ease her own guilt. Also she got a great ego boost out of it from her pining ex after an argument with her boyfriend. She has relagated you to back up position and you are playing right into her hands. You are worth so much more than that and you know it. A phone call wont do anything more than frustrate you at best and hurt you at worst.

 

If I were you, I would take the L on this, go NC and move on with my life. There is a better girl out there, a girl who will love you, respect you, honor and cherish you. A firl who when she says she misses you, she will mean it and never want the feeling of missing you to overwhelm her, so she would never even think of letting you go. That girl is out there but you will never find her whilst holding onto the shards of this broken relationship. Let it go man.

[sowhynot]

The line '...and how you feel' gives it all away.

 

It must be a real ego boost to the b!tch to know that you still have feelings towards her so she can pull on your string at any time- even 3 o'clock in the bl@@dy morning - knowing you'll come running - which you did.

 

Personally, I'd reply with something probably rude and certainly disrespectful. Then make damn sure she's permanently blocked.

 

Everyone deserves better than this, not just you !

 

This thread should be pinned as an example to us all on why no one should ever nibble on a breadcrumb - especially those on the end of a large hook.

[dumbass2]

"Truthfully I do not know if I can be friends with her based on that trust factor."

 

You are in denial on this. You DO know that you can't just be friends and it's because you still want a romantic relationship with her and she doesn't.

 

"At this point however I struggle between maybe meeting up with her ( for the first time in 10 months) and potentially becoming friendly ( as a method to maybe reignite something) or to stay with my current stance of "all or nothing " / working on rebuilding our relationship."

 

Your struggle right now is that you want a romantic relationship with someone that does not want it with you. You want what you can't have. If you go through with what you are considering, it will set you back so far and waste so much of your time it's not funny. You say "working on rebuilding our relationship". You don't want that relationship. That relationship didn't work out and she's shown you that nothing has changed and you will not trust her.

Edited June 30, 2015 by dumbass2

[ravfour4]

Mightycpa - so ruthless haha I don't feel like putting those images in OP's head is productive or actually helps him move forward. It likely just makes him dislike you and want his ex more. I know you're trying to make him disgusted by his ex, but I've never seen that actually work in any thread.

 

In reality, it was probably her wasted sitting alone in bed after getting denied by a new guy at the bar she tried to talk to, she looked at some old pics and sent the text- then woke up and partially regretted it and partially was like "I hope he reaches out to validate me". Then he reached out and she felt bad for leading him on AGAIN and apologized because she's over him and just missed his companionship. No goo involved haha

 

By OP replying and saying "it's ok! Can we still meet up?" Part of her is like "oh **** he still loves me, probably shouldn't have sent that" and the other part is saying "oh, I like this ego boost, give me more!". Don't meet with her OP, it will only be for the latter reason if she does. Stay strong and show her you aren't putting up with her ambiguous BS and leading you on.

[Chi townD]

 

"I'm working all day tomorrow and I'm bringing in my phone to have work done on it since it got water damage and hasn't been functioning properly for some time now, but if you wanted to talk about the other night, I need to say I was going through a really rough time. Rough times have been plaguing me for a really long time right now. I was frustrated at everything and I didn't mean for my texts to come off as something else. I wanted to let you know that I did miss you and that I was hoping everything was going well for you. I got into the frustrated tizzy about everything. I just kept questioning why couldn't we just be friends. Because I genuinely would still like to remain friends since you are a really great person in and out with a lot of great qualities. But I know that we can't just be friends because of how you still feel and I will always respect and understand that. I know that it was wrong of me to have been so blatant and I shouldn't have just texted you like that considering the circumstances and how you feel. And I in no way intended to try and evoke any wrong feelings or for any feelings to be misinterpreted. I'm truly sorry for having texted you so abruptly like that. I know it wasn't very fair. But I do understand where you come from and I will always respect that. I really hope you're doing very well, that Val is doing okay( our family friend who is sick), and I hope your family is keeping well. Best wishes Mike, to you and your family. I'm keeping Val close in my prayers. I am praying for her recovery. Goodnight."

 

 

 

Okay dude. There you have it. Plain as day! Her text was an attempt to friend zone you. Her intention is not to come back. Nothing in that text tells me that she wants to entertain an intimate relationship with you again. That text is just one big; massive breadcrumb.

 

 

As much as it hurts; and believe me I know, this should be your closure. You know her intention wasn't wanting to come back to you. Time to heal and move on. Time to close this chapter of your life. But, here's the deal. You close the chapter and you turn the page. Now, you're looking at a blank sheet in that book. What are you going to fill it with?

[quattrob]

This saddens me that some people come on here to get advice but don't listen to people who give good advice... rather they only listen to advice they "want" to hear. I've seen this happen more often than not on these forums, I hope people will at least learn from their bad choices.

 

 

OP, you're being delusional, she was pretty clear that she didn't want any kind of romantic relationship with you, she was clear that she shouldn't have texted you and that it was disrespectful because she had no intentions at all to get back with you. Cut contact and start your healing now.

[sowhynot]

What are you going to fill it with?

 

 

 

 

I'd recommend goo.

[erklat]

Any thoughts on the situation, or more importantly what to tell her if she gives me a call?

 

I rarelly read this kind of "beating a dead horse" to fourth page but I did

this time.

 

You know the answer to your question already. Basically what happened is

what everyone else except @ravfour told you would happen.

 

I hope he also learned a thing or two now.

[mightycpa]

Mightycpa - so ruthless haha I don't feel like putting those images in OP's head is productive or actually helps him move forward. It likely just makes him dislike you and want his ex more. I know you're trying to make him disgusted by his ex, but I've never seen that actually work in any thread.

It was pretty brutal, ravfour4, I know.

 

Sorry OP. I just think that all of us love you, and we're trying to help you, except for your ex. Then, after that text, even she recognized what she was doing and backed off.

 

I'll just say that it is a lot easier to be continually strong than it is to alternate between strength and weakness. Put her behind you, she could have been more direct, but I don't think she wanted to blast you. If you persist, I'm sure she'll change her mind about that.

[ravfour4]

Well erklat you may want to get your reading glasses checked.

 

What I said in this thread was:

-hey, maybe she does want to reconcile, but it's very unlikely given it was sent at 3 am and you know she recently broke up with someone

-no not all couples who reconcile have some ridiculous desperate attempt from the dumper to get them back, most likely don't

-I gave an 85% chance this was BS, 10% she wanted to reconcile in the moment but not for real and 5% chance that it was real. Spin the unfavorable roulette if you want.

 

Looks like I was spot on. He spun the unfavorable roulette and got a negative outcome - then unfortunately put a painfully positive spin on it.

[pidgeon1010]

Translation:

 

I know I shouldn't laugh at the translation but boy I couldn't help it. Thanks Mightycpa. I needed that! Not to make light of what OP is going through. OP, you have to put your big boy underwear on and go full no contact. Being so available and cordial when someone is treating you garbage is not sexy. You are probably turning her off in the process! Her most recent response is PLENTY reason to cut your losses and start the hard but worthwhile process of moving on.

[erklat]

Anyhow I can't escape the impression after reading

this whole thread that you were the main protagonist

of why this debate carried for so long.

 

While Simon, chi, mntbiker, mighty and me all knew

100% percent what will happen from the start.

 

As much as I once upon a time when I was at the stage

you're now in tried to desperately rationalize that eternal

NC until something of substance is not one size fits all

solution... It is.

[darkbloom]

UPDATE: so last night I responded to her and got this response:

 

"I'm working all day tomorrow and I'm bringing in my phone to have work done on it since it got water damage and hasn't been functioning properly for some time now, but if you wanted to talk about the other night, I need to say I was going through a really rough time. Rough times have been plaguing me for a really long time right now. I was frustrated at everything and I didn't mean for my texts to come off as something else. I wanted to let you know that I did miss you and that I was hoping everything was going well for you. I got into the frustrated tizzy about everything. I just kept questioning why couldn't we just be friends. Because I genuinely would still like to remain friends since you are a really great person in and out with a lot of great qualities. But I know that we can't just be friends because of how you still feel and I will always respect and understand that. I know that it was wrong of me to have been so blatant and I shouldn't have just texted you like that considering the circumstances and how you feel. And I in no way intended to try and evoke any wrong feelings or for any feelings to be misinterpreted. I'm truly sorry for having texted you so abruptly like that. I know it wasn't very fair. But I do understand where you come from and I will always respect that. I really hope you're doing very well, that Val is doing okay( our family friend who is sick), and I hope your family is keeping well. Best wishes Mike, to you and your family. I'm keeping Val close in my prayers. I am praying for her recovery. Goodnight."

 

So surprisingly it looks like those feelings if I miss you were her being frustrated about why we couldn't be friends . And the simple explanation of that isn't solely because I have feelings for her, but because she betrayed my trust last summer by saying one thing but meaning another."

 

I responded back to her by saying if she missed me to give me a call when she got her phone fixed and we can go from there. This gives me the option to talk with her physically and not through texting . And by talk I mean either reiterate my stance to her or just see what happens .

 

Any thoughts on the situation, or more importantly what to tell her if she gives me a call?

 

Truthfully I do not know if I can be friends with her based on that trust factor, but optimally I know that deep down the only way I'd really put in a major effort again on my end is if those efforts were building towards something meaningful . At this point however I struggle between maybe meeting up with her ( for the first time in 10 months) and potentially becoming friendly( as a method to maybe reignite something) or to stay with my current stance of "all or nothing " / working on rebuilding our relationship.

 

Aye. That bolded part right there. You cannot reignite anything, she has to. She dumped you not the other way around. Her text should basically read" HI, WELCOME TO THE FRIEND ZONE".

 

Do yourself a favor and block her number. Nothing good will come of this phone call. You have enough bread crumbs to find your way home from Africa. You deserve better.

 

Also, can we please pin this thread as Classic Examples of Breadcrumbs exhibits 1 through 3?

[frigginlost]

Anyhow I can't escape the impression after reading

this whole thread that you were the main protagonist

of why this debate carried for so long.

 

While Simon, chi, mntbiker, mighty and me all knew

100% percent what will happen from the start.

 

As much as I once upon a time when I was at the stage

you're now in tried to desperately rationalize that eternal

NC until something of substance is not one size fits all

solution... It is.

 

Geez... here we go again...

 

NC is not a one size fits all. Period.

 

Go back and read. I gave a perfect example of an asterisk leading to marriage. How much substance is in that?

[mightycpa]

Geez... here we go again...

 

NC is not a one size fits all. Period.

 

Go back and read. I gave a perfect example of an asterisk leading to marriage. How much substance is in that?

 

Well, I'm on the fence about your statement. It depends on what you're after, right? NC always works if your intent is to detach yourself, regardless of your feelings or theirs. Every stinking time, it works, no matter the situation. You detach, eventually, some quicker than others.

 

Now, I've also gotten over a good old-fashioned dumping by going to see the ex over and over until I got sick of her. I have to believe if the ex will put up with that crap, that works too. And if not, what's a restraining order, after all, if not court-ordered NC?

 

So, while I get what you're saying, I think NC is a one-size-fits-all path to complete separation.

[frigginlost]

So, while I get what you're saying, I think NC is a one-size-fits-all path to complete separation.

 

This I agree with completely. I have always stated that if the break up was just flat out bad, then yes I can agree. But, not all break ups are that way. There are way too many variables in why some people call it quits and one-sizing all of them under the NC umbrella is not right (respectfully, and in my opinion).

[mightycpa]

This I agree with completely. I have always stated that if the break up was just flat out bad, then yes I can agree. But, not all break ups are that way. There are way too many variables in why some people call it quits and one-sizing all of them under the NC umbrella is not right (respectfully, and in my opinion).

Well, I'll just follow up with this... if you bailed on me, you were gone. Never went back for more, not once in my life. I always valued reliability in a person, someone who would do what they said they'd do.

 

Not all breakups are bad, but when they happened to me, they were permanent!

 

(not counting after-breakup sex, of course... that doesn't count)

[frigginlost]

Well, I'll just follow up with this... if you bailed on me, you were gone. Never went back for more, not once in my life. I always valued reliability in a person, someone who would do what they said they'd do.

 

Not all breakups are bad, but when they happened to me, they were permanent!

 

(not counting after-breakup sex, of course... that doesn't count)

 

And that is exactly what I'm trying to say. That is the way you are, and I totally respect that. But not everybody is that exact way. Someone may seem to see the bail as a relief, only to find out that they were wrong, and possibly contributed to it, and then realized it. If they went total hardcore NC, they could possibly carry "what if" for a heck of a long time, when they really did not need to.

 

I'm dying laughing over the break-up sex. Nice!

[Simon Phoenix]

Unless your dumper was forced due to something awful you did (cheating or some other sort of massive betrayal), I think No Contact is necessary until you are recovered or indifferent. The vast majority of the time staying in contact will drive the other person away due to annoyance, be seen as a manipulative ploy, or allow the dumper a safety net to wean themselves off of you.

 

When I say indifferent, I mean that you see your ex similar to any other girl you might want to date/hook up with, where you aren't invested in a certain outcome. Basically No Contact serves as a reset button of your emotions. After that, No Contact isn't really necessary, though it often continues because there's no impulse to contact the other person. But if you ran into that person for whatever reason and they were receptive to you, then go for it if you want or don't if you don't.

 

There are very few instances where a sizable period of No Contact isn't necessary. Whether you are trying to move forward (the reason for No Contact) or just trying to prevent yourself from acting like a jackass (which is also worthwhile no matter your motivation) No Contact is huge in doing that. In the process, it can make the other person miss you and wonder if they f--ked up which, while not the majority reaction by any means, is a more powerful tool than calculated limited contact. Reconciliation works best when it's natural and organic, and most limited contact comes off as manipulative and a hustle at worst and pushy and unattractive as best.

 

As far as the "asterisk" story, people win the lottery sometimes too.

[darkbloom]

Breakups whether amicable or not, almost always hurt like hell. NC is your one stop shop to heal your pain. At the point that someone says 'it's over' they have decided that they can live without you in their life. Even if both parties agree to break up, one side generally always has more feelings than the other one.

 

I have never heard of anyone breaking up and being able to maintain a friendship right away. Because there are no clear boundaries and feelings are high. NC is always the solution for for clear healing or even in eventual reconciliation. There needs to be that break. It's not called a break up for nothing.

 

Everyone wants to think they are special and unique in their relarionships. They are not. I would say NC applies 99% of the time.

 

I'm all about not giving false hope to posters. While it hurts to be rejected, it hurts even more to be rejected AND put in the friend zone when you still have feelings.

 

I am a firm believer in NC. If only because I have broken my own heart further by not knowing about it and not following it. Anyone I can help from my experience I'm going to. Even if they don't want to hear the truth.

[heyitsmike]

UPDATE: so a week went by and she just texted me that she'd "love" to talk on the phone

 

WTF is up with this girl. my thought is she is really trying hard for the friendship card and by her talking to me over the phone maybe that'll get me to "give in". but then again i havent really seen her or talked with her much in a year so i'm in a confusing spot.

 

any advice or things to keep in mind when she calls

[philadair4526]

Hey Mike, I am a recently separated Dad here in Sydney.

 

I was in a bad way when my wife moved out with both my kids last September. I wouldn't say I'm out of the woods just yet... During this time I have spent a lot of time working out the steps necessary to help guys in my position - including myself.

 

I have created a website Support For Separated and Divorced Men which has just launched and a podcast which goes live in a couple of weeks.

 

I would love to get some feedback on what you and everyone else out there thinks of the site. Good or bad, I reckon can handle it! I'm becoming more resilient as I work my way through this steep learning curve of separation.

 

Also, as I like creating fresh content, I would love to know exactly what guys need the most help with? What are you struggling with right now? I promise you I will research the heck out of it and create some great content you can use to steer you through your own situation.

 

Okay, I'm waiting...

 

Thanks guys,

 

Phil Adair

[erklat]

UPDATE: so a week went by and she just texted me that she'd "love" to talk on the phone

 

WTF is up with this girl. my thought is she is really trying hard for the friendship card and by her talking to me over the phone maybe that'll get me to "give in". but then again i havent really seen her or talked with her much in a year so i'm in a confusing spot.

 

any advice or things to keep in mind when she calls

 

Here is your response if she calls:

 

There is nothing to talk about, phone or otherwise.

[Simon Phoenix]

UPDATE: so a week went by and she just texted me that she'd "love" to talk on the phone

 

WTF is up with this girl. my thought is she is really trying hard for the friendship card and by her talking to me over the phone maybe that'll get me to "give in". but then again i havent really seen her or talked with her much in a year so i'm in a confusing spot.

 

any advice or things to keep in mind when she calls

 

Let it go to voicemail.

[Phoenixashes]

Sorry o.p...her intentions are clear. Should DOESN'T want to reconcile and she DOES want to be "just friends."

 

In fact, she seems like she isn't beyond forcing your hand into friendship by these bits of interest. Nothing to talk about. You both want different things that the other is unwilling or unable to give.