she texted me "I miss you" after I went NC

[mightycpa]

No contact is for your peace of mind. It is like saying

 

Look, I've already told you that I love you and I want to be with you. If you don't want to be with me, fine. But understand me: I'm not doing this halfway. I don't want to be your pal. I don't want to watch you be with other people and live your life around me. No thanks. I'm out.

 

It IS pretty hardcore, and at some point, you're saying,

 

I don't care what you think. It doesn't make any difference what you think.

 

Some people can't do it. They're worried they will lose their chance, like you are.

 

My perspective is this: If you can stand to stick around and talk and wait and maybe watch her date other people and fall in love and all that, then, go for it.

 

I got dumped when I went to college, and I couldn't stand even the thought of ANY of that. So I bailed on getting back together, and I bailed on my desire because I determined it was going to be fruitless. Other pals of mine would travel back to their ex's for a good ol' bitchslapping until they couldn't stand it anymore. We all ended up in the same place, I just cut out the torture in the middle, for a different kind of torture.

 

It's not for everybody. It's not easy and you have to be confident that your heart is not your friend but your head is.

[lauri]

Every thing you are doing to rationalize speaking to her makes zero sense...you think that going NC will ruin your chances of being with her? I think being a weak doormat who is willing to be "friends" with her to make her feel better at the expense of your own feelings will ruin your chances. You are treating her like a human, you are treating her like someone who hurt you and left you to be with some new dude.

 

Re-read everything that has been said here to you, it clearly isn't sinking in.

 

Go ahead, talk to your ex. Get thrown straight into the friend zone - you'll sit there, make her feel better while shes in the arms of another guy and you'll only push her further away. She will think she is right to end it with you because you are too weak and needy and unable to find someone else. You are confirming, in her mind, that breaking up with you was the best thing because you aren't what she wants in a man. She wants someone who is confident and will stand up for himself.

 

You'll give her a safety net and provide her with comfort and security, allowing her to explore her feelings with someone new while you sit in the wings...slowly, over time, her interest of ever wanting to try something with you will be slim to none (which is probably is already there). Is this what you want? Listen to your gut, you know deep down inside its over and you know that talking to her will only push her away. Do what your gut tells you, to delete her out of your life and let her make realize the mistake of leaving you.

 

The only strategy you should have is learning to be confident and learn how to control your emotions. Your focus has to be on you and getting over your ex. Your ex will not be able to stand you being happy without her, and she will start to realize her new fling is only a fling and will regret her decision. But if you stay around, you'll only push her deeper into his arms.

 

Once you start to think clearer and become more self-aware, you'll realize you do not want to be with your ex anymore anyways. Get to that point - moving on is scary, but staying a doormat to someone who doesn't want to be with you and doesn't care about you is inexcusable.

Edited September 11, 2014 by lauri

[heyitsmike]

i asked to meet with her at the end of this month right before i start work my new job 1 hour away. we'll go for a casual cup of coffee and basically tell her something along the lines of:

 

- i think its best if i really focus on myself and grow as an individual

- i have so much going for me and i need to focus on that to become the man i want to be

- right now i need to ride my path of life but i hope that there's a place for one another in the future

 

no relationship talk, no breadcrumbs of "ill always be here for you to support you" its the clear cut definition of 100% doing whats best for me. I'm no even saying "we" should both focus on ourselves, I'm merely saying im taking time to go become the man i want to be. i really need to show her that alpha side of me that she may have lost touch with over the past 6 months. and truly withdrawing myself from her might help in the long run and it'll help me get over her.

[lauri]

ugh....why do you need validation from her? You're making a mistake meeting her. I strongly suggest you cancel.

[movingonnow1]

Why are you even talking to her? You've shot yourself in the foot and are wasting your own time. Don't think that by talking to her and meeting with her that you're going to change her mind. You've just made her feel like you two are okay and breaking up with you is acceptable.

 

Sorry man but you're making so many mistakes..everyone here has given you good advice and you have refused to listen to it.

[heyitsmike]

BACKGROUND INFO:

 

me (23) and my ex (20) were madly in love and cared about each other deeply. we broke up this summer and if i'm being honest I'd really like to have the option of working things out in the near / distant future.

END OF JUNE: she told me her increased coursework for college would make her incapable of being able to physically provide for a relationship. I was calm about it and she said it wasn’t about anyone else, just school.

EARLY JULY:

then 2 weeks later she called me begging me to come see her and she told me she wanted to get back together and that I was the only one for her because she suddenly realized i've been with her through good and bad.

AUGUST:

then the month of august went from trying to work on things and take it slow to her developing a depression and telling me she’s scared of hurting me again. So in mid august after a summer filled with breadcrumbs about our future and being really happy on occasion, I feared another break up coming from her. So I intervened and told her I was letting her go so she could find happiness within herself and to contact me back if she got to a good place again. we ended things positively after a face to face meeting.

SEPTEMBER:

so now its September and a little over a month has passed. We’ve briefly communicated over that time but nothing beyond small talk and catching up. I’ve also found out from a close friend she is attracted to this 31-year old guy she works with and whom she’s good friends with. If they did anything this summer intimately, it would make sense as to her distance & attitude toward me, which seemed like guilt. My close friend I think mentioned they haven’t done anything, but who knows if that’s true.

WHY SHE LEFT ME:

over the course of this month I've been hitting the gym, lost 10 lbs, got a new job, and got my own place and things are really happening for me. But I knew she had a problem earlier this year while we were still together with me not even working a part time job in the meantime while trying to find work in my field (aka lack of determination in her eyes), and I may have gotten a little too comfortable and complacent, so she may have noticed a loss in my alpha side and saw only a dis-interesting beta side. Besides, this 31-year old guy got promoted over the summer so that’s a direct sign of determination and drive right there, which might have shifted her interest and caused her all this confusion over the summer. But look at me now. As soon as we break up I've had such a positive and progressive month.... only problem is this is what she wanted for me and now she’s not with me anymore.

THOUGHTS:

I feel like I was robbed of the typical NC approach and bypassed the "I miss you stage" . I also wasn't able to tell her in a direct way that "im not interested in doing the friends only thing. I love you too much to settle for that, especially after what we had, if you change your mind you know how to reach Me." and the WALK AWAY AND MEAN IT. I wasn’t able to do any of that. The only thing I did do was what I said before when we broke up 1 month ago by leaving the door open when she "found happiness in her life again." little did I know that probably wasn’t the only reason we ended things.

I spoke with my cousin about this and she told me I should set the record straight with her and have one last meeting with her. So I reached out and asked my ex to meet up before I move out to my new apartment and start my job. so i did about 2 weeks ago and now the time has come to set up that meeting.

 

So here's my question:

 

do I still text her to set up grabbing a cup of coffee/ meeting up with her in general? I mean I'm the one who thought of the idea.

 

And if so what do you think is the best move for me to make.

A) Simply get coffee with her while being friendly, flirty and confident, but ultimately just focus on having a pleasant lasting impression.

B) Same as A, but ultimately just focus on telling her in a loving way "I care for you a lot and adore you but I’m not interested in doing the whole "friends only" thing. I told you that you were my baby girl and that bond we have deserves nothing less. If you change your mind feel free to reach out to me, but for now I need to focus on all the amazing opportunities I have (new job, moving out)

C) invite her to go to this nature preserve we always used to go to around sunset with a nice bottle of her favorite whiskey and be friendly, flirty and see where it goes, but ultimately show her a fun time.

-----

 

ALL THE RANDOM MISPLACED THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD:

do i tell her how i feel? do i have to mention that i don't want to do the whole friends thing? do i hint/mention anything about her actions not making sense, which leads me to think its something else (the 31-year old guy)? or just focus on leaving a good lasting impression of a guy who is confident happy and not mention the relationship whatsoever.

 

-----------------

IN THE END....

 

i constantly go back and forth between taking the confident/flirty approach to show her I'm fun and doing well, with the future intention of not contacting her until she reaches out to me and then very simply trying to set up an opportunity (like making dinner together and catch up) where i can flirt/ potentially make a move to slowly rebuild that attraction.

or

 

laying it out there about not wanting to be friends, setting her straight and walking away (in a gentleman-like way and in a very loving and calm tone)

 

---------------------

what do you guys think i should do regarding meeting up with her? and what i should do overall/from here on out?

 

 

sorry for the length but i want to lay out the whole situation for consideration into what i should do. thanks guys!

Edited September 25, 2014 by heyitsmike

[darkmoon]

you want to meet her, but you are also envisaging her to be in your past

 

do not say a word about her actions, it will put her off you, just forget the past, ffs, do not be a drag with accusations, even polite ones, you dumped/left her in aug, move on now

 

what do you want? apart from showing her that you are now leading a better life, if you want her back, invite her somewhere decent, unless the coffee bar is exclusive and pricey...

 

you love her, show her your good side, fun, mannerly, immaculate, professional now, supportive if she is blue, no need to put on an act, flirty or whatnot, firstly ask how her day was and respond, you can make her laugh at some point, let her enjoy your company, then try a lil flirting just fun, see what she does in response, you must know how to handle her

,

do not do a 31 yo or me, just quietly outdo him, just be friends with sex not discussed on the first occassion, or she might bolt at the thought of screwing around

 

light touchpaper and wait...just go into carachter, like actors do, keep yourself nice and chatty

Edited September 25, 2014 by darkmoon

[somecamel]

BACKGROUND INFO:

 

me (23) and my ex (20) were madly in love and cared about each other deeply. we broke up this summer and if i'm being honest I'd really like to have the option of working things out in the near / distant future.

 

END OF JUNE: she told me her increased coursework for college would make her incapable of being able to physically provide for a relationship. I was calm about it and she said it wasn’t about anyone else, just school.

 

She was seeing the other guy

 

EARLY JULY:

then 2 weeks later she called me begging me to come see her and she told me she wanted to get back together and that I was the only one for her because she suddenly realized i've been with her through good and bad.

AUGUST:

 

 

He brushed her off

 

then the month of august went from trying to work on things and take it slow to her developing a depression and telling me she’s scared of hurting me again. So in mid august after a summer filled with breadcrumbs about our future and being really happy on occasion, I feared another break up coming from her. So I intervened and told her I was letting her go so she could find happiness within herself and to contact me back if she got to a good place again. we ended things positively after a face to face meeting.

 

She was seeing him again

 

 

SEPTEMBER:

so now its September and a little over a month has passed. We’ve briefly communicated over that time but nothing beyond small talk and catching up. I’ve also found out from a close friend she is attracted to this 31-year old guy she works with and whom she’s good friends with. If they did anything this summer intimately, it would make sense as to her distance & attitude toward me, which seemed like guilt. My close friend I think mentioned they haven’t done anything, but who knows if that’s true.

 

This is the Guy from June

 

 

WHY SHE LEFT ME:

over the course of this month I've been hitting the gym, lost 10 lbs, got a new job, and got my own place and things are really happening for me. But I knew she had a problem earlier this year while we were still together with me not even working a part time job in the meantime while trying to find work in my field (aka lack of determination in her eyes), and I may have gotten a little too comfortable and complacent, so she may have noticed a loss in my alpha side and saw only a dis-interesting beta side. Besides, this 31-year old guy got promoted over the summer so that’s a direct sign of determination and drive right there, which might have shifted her interest and caused her all this confusion over the summer. But look at me now. As soon as we break up I've had such a positive and progressive month.... only problem is this is what she wanted for me and now she’s not with me anymore.

 

It's great that you got your **** together, did you do this for you or to get her back?

 

THOUGHTS:

I feel like I was robbed of the typical NC approach and bypassed the "I miss you stage" . I also wasn't able to tell her in a direct way that "im not interested in doing the friends only thing. I love you too much to settle for that, especially after what we had, if you change your mind you know how to reach Me." and the WALK AWAY AND MEAN IT. I wasn’t able to do any of that. The only thing I did do was what I said before when we broke up 1 month ago by leaving the door open when she "found happiness in her life again." little did I know that probably wasn’t the only reason we ended things.

I spoke with my cousin about this and she told me I should set the record straight with her and have one last meeting with her. So I reached out and asked my ex to meet up before I move out to my new apartment and start my job. so i did about 2 weeks ago and now the time has come to set up that meeting.

 

So here's my question:

 

do I still text her to set up grabbing a cup of coffee/ meeting up with her in general? I mean I'm the one who thought of the idea.

 

DEFINITELY NOT

 

And if so what do you think is the best move for me to make.

A) Simply get coffee with her while being friendly, flirty and confident, but ultimately just focus on having a pleasant lasting impression.

B) Same as A, but ultimately just focus on telling her in a loving way "I care for you a lot and adore you but I’m not interested in doing the whole "friends only" thing. I told you that you were my baby girl and that bond we have deserves nothing less. If you change your mind feel free to reach out to me, but for now I need to focus on all the amazing opportunities I have (new job, moving out)

C) invite her to go to this nature preserve we always used to go to around sunset with a nice bottle of her favorite whiskey and be friendly, flirty and see where it goes, but ultimately show her a fun time.

 

Dude come on seriously?

-----

 

ALL THE RANDOM MISPLACED THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD:

do i tell her how i feel? do i have to mention that i don't want to do the whole friends thing? do i hint/mention anything about her actions not making sense, which leads me to think its something else (the 31-year old guy)? or just focus on leaving a good lasting impression of a guy who is confident happy and not mention the relationship whatsoever.

 

-----------------

IN THE END....

 

i constantly go back and forth between taking the confident/flirty approach to show her I'm fun and doing well, with the future intention of not contacting her until she reaches out to me and then very simply trying to set up an opportunity (like making dinner together and catch up) where i can flirt/ potentially make a move to slowly rebuild that attraction.

or

 

laying it out there about not wanting to be friends, setting her straight and walking away (in a gentleman-like way and in a very loving and calm tone)

 

---------------------

what do you guys think i should do regarding meeting up with her? and what i should do overall/from here on out?

 

 

sorry for the length but i want to lay out the whole situation for consideration into what i should do. thanks guys!

 

Dude, You're not the first one to go through this you wont be the last, I know you think that what is happening to you has never happened to anyone else before but hey guess what, its the reason alot of us are here.

 

You're still blindsided by her my friend, take her down off that pedestal, do not make any plans to meet, why would you initiate this? Because you want to show her how much you've changed to impress her?

 

Regardless of who left who, it wasn't working, she was having an emotional affair with her 'good 31 year old friend' who I bet was a great shoulder to cry when she was offloading her lacking feelings for you and I bet he took the first opportunity to make a move (this was back in June when she flaked on you).

 

You are the most important person, the things you've done, the changes you've made, you should be doing that for yourself not for 'ANYONE' else.

 

Please don't contact her, please go complete NC. That means Blocking on Facebook and all other social media, it means deleting all emails from her and removing her email from your addressbook/contact list.

 

Also delete her number, you won't be needing it.

 

There are 7 billions people on this planet, don't waste your time on someone that is wasting yours.

[mightycpa]

I'd suggest something a little different, because you haven't actually said Goodbye. I think it is important for your peace of mind to do that. Otherwise, it will be like a loose thread that you didn't take care of. I'd go finish it with her, something along these lines:

 

Matilda, I've been trying for the past few months to accommodate you and help you find whatever it is you're looking for. The truth is that this just isn't working for me. I want to be with you and you haven't been on board with that for a while now, and it is time for me to accept that and move on. Here's the thing - in order for me to move on, I have to make a clean break. It won't be easy for me, but I've got to do it. I don't want to be your friend, so you won't be hearing from me again. I came here to say goodbye and good luck to you.

At this point, you shut up, and wait for her to say goodbye or whatever she's going to say. It is doubtful in the extreme that she will tell you not to go. If she asks you a question, answer it. If she questions your approach, then tell her you're doing this as a courtesy. Otherwise, don't say a word until she's done talking. Don't get into a debate or a discussion. You've made up your mind, remember? Then, short and sweet.

 

OK. Goodbye Matilda.

Get up, walk away and don't turn around, lest you turn into a pillar of salt, or even worse, you'll turn into her yo-yo, returning whenever she yanks on the cord, and going away whenever she releases you. Cut that cord.

 

She may contact you from time to time. Unless she's banging down your door to tell you she can't live without you, ignore her.

 

You have to go into this with the idea that you actually are moving on.

[heyitsmike]

IN RESPONSE OF : "I DIDNT REALLY SAY GOODBYE TO HER.."

in august she told me she wanted to talk and was going to "write me a letter to organize her thoughts" in a more clear cut fashion. obviously this was just going to be a 3-4 page sap letter about how sad she was and how i deserved better. so what i did (like i said) is i wrote her a 1 page response saying "if you love something you'll let it go and if it comes back its meant to be," and "if you ever get over this depression (which is what i thought was the main issue) then you know exactly where to find me. she responded very emotionally but focused more on saying thank you for everything youve done for me. then when we met up she did mention about being able to see us get back together.

 

A REASON WHY I WANT TO HAVE ONE LAST FACE-TO-FACE INTERACTION:

but one reason i didn't elude to earlier, which kind of fuels the fire a bit to meet her face-to-face is because like 2 weeks after we had that conversation in mid august, i saw her outside a bar and i was hammered. i said all the wrong things in terms of "if you wanted to be with me you would, etc." she ultimately said she didnt want to do this in front of a bar and walked away. my close friend asked her if that little altercation was a big deal of not and my ex responded by saying no not at all. that was truly the last time i saw her which makes me want to see her, look sharp, show her ive been working out more, and be confident, fun and flirty. ultimately leaving a good last impression of me before any thought of NC, or anything.

 

the other issue im thinking about is does she think were going to be friends here? we barely speak anymore, but the issue remains if she thinks that then she has me right in her pocket, and definitely less motivated to feel any kind of re attraction / miss me.

------------------

I'M TORN:

my logical side tells me playing it cool, being funny, and flirty will establish good vibes between us, and if she reaches out to catch up i can simply suggest to come over to her place to make dinner with a nice bottle of wine or something. then from there i can make a move. even if she is thrown off by this my reasoning is that were just enjoying each others company, etc.

 

but my heart still thinks that if i pull away for good it might do me some good in the healing process. the only con though is i don't want to sound redundant mentioning anything about "leaving her" again or not wanting to be friends, with the fear of coming off as whiny/ looking for approval or a reaction.

 

I'm very torn right now and its a difficult situation. i'd love to do NC but my only concern though is its effectiveness might not be as strong anymore due to the fact that if i had known what was going on earlier i could have implemented it when her interest was higher. she's probably been dealing with these thoughts for 3-5 months now.

 

what do you guys think?

[heyitsmike]

I've been compiling my thoughts and these are the options I'm tinkering with:

 

 

 

I guess simply put which option is the best choice:

A) don’t set up the meeting, and only do it if she asks me about it

B) set up the meeting, grab coffee with her and be confident, cool and collective with the goal of having one last good interaction with no relationship talk

C*) set up meeting, grab coffee with her, and be confident, cool and collective with the goal of telling her before i go these main points:

 

1. I've got a lot going on for me right now(new job, apartment) and that i got there by being a man and doing things myself with a new alpha type attitude
   
2. a real man speaks his mind and doesn't play games
   
3. being just another one of your good "guy friends," who you can hang up with on the phone and say "see you later dude," isn't going to work for me. (she did this to me a couple of nights ago)
   
4. I've been there with you through good and through the bad. I've held you in my arms after an impossible day and kissed you on the forehead telling you it'll all be okay. (all these reasons she told me were what she realized i had done for her when she called me begging for me to come back)
   
5. whatever the future holds for us whether thats being with each other or other people at least i can walk away today saying i was completely honest with you and didn't play any games.
   
6. If you do ever change your mind or want to have a serious conversation about this you know how to reach me
   
7. A true love story never ends, but in order not to get hurt I need to move on, at least for now
   

Then I'd get up, kiss her gently on the forehead and walk away. (OPTIONAL: i still have a book i need to return to her that she lent me a month ago, so i can just leave that with her, but inside is the extra key to her apartment she gave me which i wrote "baby girl <3" on with a sharpie a while ago.

 

-

* the reasoning behind option C is because the way things are now she probably thinks were on okay terms and she probably knows she could have me back if she had a change of heart. only thing is she is distracted by this other guy and i don't really have a lot of options given the circumstances and her level of interest. so maybe telling her this will make her realize i'm really walking away.

--

 

i guess the best way to put things is how do i potentially "go out" in this situation. my girlfriend is interested in this way older dude she's friends with, and didnt tell me that so she's had a few more months to think about this than i have. this probably has already given her time to slowly lose interest in me. and now i'm not in control and feel jipped in a sense that i couldn't implement a strong stance with her sooner due to a lack of correct information.

[Purepony]

Too much drama! Walk away with some dignity

[heyitsmike]

my ex girlfriend(20) and i (23) were in love and dated for 15 months until she broke up with me in june. she called me 2 weeks later crying and after a long talk we decided to take things slow. then over the month of august she became increasingly distant and said we needed to talk again. so fearing another breakup i told her to go find happiness within herself, and left the door open for reconnecting in the future. since then our communication has been limited and i haven't seen her since the end of august. my close friend told me shes attracted to this 31-year old guy she is good friends with and works with, but i'm not sure to the extent of whats going on there. my close friend i think said they haven't done anything and that she doesn't have feelings for him, but apparently its just an attraction , but at this point im just hoping for the best but expecting the worse for my own safety, you know? since the break up ive landed a new job, moved out of my parents house and got a place an hour away closer to my job and feel incredibly independent. before i left however i had mentioned to her that we should meet up for a drink and catch up, she agreed a while ago, but we never ended up setting an exact date.

 

which brings us up to this past week. she used imessage to text me from her computer me out of the blue last friday asking me the name of a song she used to like and then 5 seconds later figured it out. she then continued to text me "i hope everything is well with you. i havent heard from you in a while so i hope things are running smooth with you ," and "we never got to catch up over a brew =/", then proceeded to tell me, "im walking to campus in 5 minutes because i have biochemistry at 3:30 & then i dont get out until 4:45. also i'm iphone-less until this upcoming tuesday so imessage will only be accessible on my macbook until then. so feel free to text me instead :-) " she even used "hahahahaha" after one of my responses. i played it cool and told her id find out my schedule this week and get back to her when we could meet up.

 

i really do want this girl back and we had a really special connection. i'm just not sure where her head is at and whats going on with her situation. ive hit a bit of a road block recently with myself thinking of what i should do and what plan of action should i take regarding this situation. i feel like this could be a chance for me to make a solid move here (considering she hasnt seen me in a while, having those feelings maybe rush back, and ive lost 10lbs and continued hit the gym more so) but i guess ill have to see for myself and feel out the situation.

 

i guess my tentative plan is to text her before the week is done and say "hey, i'll be up next week for alumni weekend if you want to meet up then." and then if she presumably agrees, ill make definite plans with her (whether thats coffee or a drink somewhere) i feel like at first a simple meet up is my best bet, but theres a part of me that wants to ask her to go back to our old spot at this scenic nature preserve, grab a blanket, speakers and a bottle of whiskey and just hang out or watch the sun go down. i mentioned this idea to her, suggesting we do it in the near future and she was very receptive to it exclaiming "YES YES YES" imessage. worst case i can always do this if we happen to end up having multiple meet ups and hang out after this initial one.

------------

so....

 

any advice on how to handle a first meet up with an ex-gf? do i just play it cool and not talk about the relationship while being fun/confident/flirty? do i plan to say something at the end about how "i have a lot going for me right now and i wouldn't be honest if i didnt say i want you right there with me in this new chapter of my life. i'm not looking for any kind of an answer, but i am looking to let you know how i feel and be straightforward with you because thats what a real man does, he stays true to himself." (or something like that)also what if she makes a comment about being friends? how do i handle that situation considering i still have feelings for this girl?

[heyitsmike]

me(23) and my ex GF(20) of 15 monthswent back and forth this summer breaking up, getting back together briefly andthen ending things again. She told me at first it was because of school andthen lastly we ended things because she was "depressed." while thesethings may be true I know in my gut there's probably more to the story.

 

Anyways our communication since thenhas been scattered, but we have communicated, but in my opinion currentlyspeaking it’s a tad awkward after not seeing each other. I still have feelingsfor her and since we broke up in mid-august I’ve been feeling a lot better, butI wouldn’t be lying if I didn’t think about her every day or that I think aboutwhat I should have said to her. I feel like I was robbed because we endedthings because of the reasons I just stated, but now that I took the time toreally analyze things odds are it’s because of other reasons or maybe someoneelse, but who knows.

 

I saw her last week for the firsttime in 2 months, and got some major friend vibes and whenever I do speak/seeher it always ends up with me updating her on my life and trying to show herhow well im doing, and then I learn a little bit about her as well. Right nowthings are weird in my opinion and I hate that because of the quality of ourconnection and where it was not too long ago, but how should I approach this situationfrom this day moving forward? She’s given me hopeful bits here and there aboutour future or how much she cares about me, but that’s just all talk and hasn’tproduced any actions. I’m moving on regardless and going out on dates, talkingto other women, etc. but I’d also be lying if I didn’t say I would considerwanting the opportunity to take things slow and work on things if the situationwas right. I lacked a lot of alpha qualities towards the end of ourrelationship and was still looking for full time work, but since then I’veworked on those things by getting my own apartment, a new full time job, andbeing more direct with people and it's paid off =) the sad part is though Iwant to show her this and show her the guy she wanted me to be not too long ago.

 

Side Note and separate idea:

 

I’ve also thought about sending hera letter in an effort to make a power move with the intention of telling herI’d like to have her in my life but if not that’s fine too, and potentiallyeven say a couple of bold things in an effort to show her im an alpha male whoknows what he wants, and that's her. I need to return a book of hers anyway,and I would also include within the book the spare key to her apartment shegave me, in which I wrote "baby girl" on. But then I think about howinsecure or needy that might look so I go back and forth with the idea in myhead constantly. This method I guess would be to make a point whether thatwould be im moving on, or just to clear the air. I saw her last week so itwould be timely because seeing her stirred up these feelings again of nothaving her in my life anymore.

 

----------------------------------------

 

I often think moving on and onlytalking to her when contacted first is the best way to go, and if she does tryto create an opportunity for a fun time to catch up and create an opportunityto hook up (ex. catching up at her place with a bottle of wine or something atnight). And this wouldn’t be just to try and hook up with her once, but to getthat spark back over multiple hangouts / dates, and potentially stir up thosefeelings between us if in the near future we're both single and ready.

 

Sorry for the rambling but this isjust what's going on in my head right now I figured its better of said on herethan in any kind of message to her! Thanks guys!

 

What is the best approach for me andhow should I proceed from here if I still have feelings for this girl?

[xUnknown]

\

What is the best approach for me andhow should I proceed from here if I still have feelings for this girl?

 

Gotta move on man. Cut her out of your life cold, with No Contact. You can't make someone want to be with you, no matter how hard you try.

 

Don't write her the letter. If you want to write it to get emotions out, do that, but don't send it. That will only make you look clingy. You could drop the sweatshirt off at her parents/friends house, include the key too. They'll figure out whose it is and make sure it gets back to her.

 

But yeah, have to go no contact. Being friends will only give you hope and you can't do that right now. My ex of about 3 years and I just broke up for the second time. Again, I'm going No Contact. She disagrees with it, but I think that's just because she doesn't want to feel guilty. Most likely, thats why your ex wants to be friends too.

 

Keep your chin up. There are plenty of other women out there for you.

[heyitsmike]

my fears now of letting more time pass is that i just saw her so me reaching out wouldnt be so random, and also like i said before i feel like we're just going to continue growing more distant.

 

i think its my emotions vs my sense of logic.

 

emotion:

if i write her this letter telling her ive realized some of the things i did/didnt do during the last 6 months of our relationship and how ive fixed those, and how i think ur connection was unique and i dont think it deserves the stereotypical "we'll keep in contact for a bit and than fade out" phase, like most exes. the awkwardness of it all too i feel gives me an opportunity here to say "id love to have you in my life, but if not thats fine too because life goes on. i dont want to be another one of your good guy friends and if you change your mind you know where to find me. actions speak louder than words and i dont want to be a scared little boy who waits on the sidelines and doesnt speak his mind, so i want to be a man and be straightforward with you and tell you how i feel because at the end of the day i dont have to say what if, and that i told this girl whom i care about how i feel and thats all i can really do."

 

logic:

you cant make someone love you again or come back to you. not contacting her and only responding accordingly if she texts me seems to be the best way to maintain me not looking clingy. it also doesnt make things awkward potentially with the letter by her taking it the wrong way or allowing herself to think "hes still into me" and build on that awkwardness more.

 

--------------------

i think deep down i know cutting her off is best for now, especially given the friend vibes after seeing her for the first time in 2 months, but its just the uncertainty of not really getting the whole truth to a break up and not being sure of how things are with us and with her in her own mind. but at the end of the day if she wanted to be with me she would, but part of me deep down somewhere wants to tell her that and in a way almost command respect by "talking about it" before too much time passes.

[d0nnivain]

The worst way to go is sending her a letter.

 

The best way is whatever will give you peace. Some people do that through talking, trying to be friends or FWB. Some people need NC.

 

Pick what works for you.

[heyitsmike]

my ex (21, sr in college) and me (24, graduated from same college) went back and forth this summer and she ended things again in mid-august. since then the months of sept-novemeber have been limited in communication only really communicating 1-2x a month, but over the past few weeks including all of december mostly, we've been talking a little more and more so recently in the past 2 weeks. she would text me with random questions maybe 1-2x a week, then she texted me asking to call and catch up over the phone , then we face time'd a few days ago andi got to say hi to her mom n dad, and even see the family dog again.......and that brings us up to december 23rd at 4:18am when she texted me "thank you for being as good to me as you were" i saw this and even now on x-mas day i havent responded and still dont know how too.

 

i still love this girl and would like her back in my life, but i just dont want to over pursue or regret doing/not doing something that could potentially help me in this process.

 

currently im weighing a few options like

1) just wishing her a marry x-mas, ask if she wants to chat on the phone later after all the xmas festivities are done and then if the moment arises bring up the text.

2) just wish her a merry xmas and dont bring it up unless mentioned

3) respond back, "...and i always will ash. i hope youre having a nice xmas with mom n dad and everyone else, let me know later if you wanna chat on the phone once all the Christmas festivities are over, okay?"

 

we'll probably exchange "merry x-mas texts" at some point today, so i was wondering what advice or suggestions you guys would have for my situation.

[Diezel]

Don't respond. Take into consideration the time at which she texted you.

She was either lonely, nostalgic, got dumped by someone else, or drunk. None of them are positive, really, because SHE dumped YOU.

 

Best course of action: You say nothing back.

 

Take that information and move forward. The reason you still "love her" is because she has been stringing you along all this time. You never got a chance to move on and now you're eating up the breadcrumbs.

 

You really should go NC. Start 2015 off on the right foot. She couldn't appreciate you before, but NOW she does?

[LostInLosingLove]

I think you should reply back with something light and fun like, "Thanks, you know me... always the people pleaser."

 

The options you listed(save for #2) come across a bit needy.

[Elle1975]

Id wait for a text sent at a decent hour, not at 4am. I mean if you were serious about someone, would you text them in the middle of the night?

[lauri]

Man forget that noise. She texts you that late? She doesn't get a response.

 

Seriously dude, she shouldn't even be getting you attention. She's testing the waters and that's all. Let her wonder more and if she's serious about you she'll make it obvious. Anything else you do will appear weak and will work against you.

[heyitsmike]

i feel like at least for xmas i should say something even if its just basic.

 

but a little more detail for consideration, shes a bio chem major in her last year of college who volunteers as a EMT 2 nights a week and aspires to go to paramedic school and then PA school hopefully after that. whenever i talked with her this past fall she always mentioned how much her work consumed her. but back in june she ended things out of nowhere citing she wouldn't have enough time to dedicate to the relationship, then 2 weeks later she came crawling back and we took things slow. then by august she had developed a depression and just wasnt happy with herself in general. she said she didnt want to hurt me again and sensing another sure fire break up i decided to tell her to go find her happiness and we positively ended things technically. then it goes into what i mentioned originally with the limited contact.

 

ive been contemplating writing her a letter for a while or trying to tell her in person optimally something along the lines of "i dont want to end up being just another one of your good guy friends, i care about you too much to settle for that. im at a point in my life where im going after what i want and id rather be a man , tell you how i feel, rather than some scared little boy on the sidelines waiting. i really do want you back in my life ash, and would relish the chance to reconnect with you, but i know i'll be just fine too if that doesnt happen. if you change your mind give me a call but i just dont want to keep teasing myself with any kind of false hope."

Edited December 25, 2014 by heyitsmike

[broken77]

No. Don't send that

[kenmore]

Keep it simple.

 

"You're welcome, Merry Christmas"

 

No more, no less.