she texted me "I miss you" after I went NC

[heyitsmike]

won't that make me seem disinterested in both her coming back into my life and more importantly a future romance?

[ExpatInItaly]

won't that make me seem disinterested in both her coming back into my life and more importantly a future romance?

 

Why would you even want a future romance with someone who didn't love you enough to stay with you?

[Simon Phoenix]

won't that make me seem disinterested in both her coming back into my life and more importantly a future romance?

 

No, it makes you look like a spineless sap that is completely Ok with being in the friend zone. "hey" "hi" and "how are you?" are the lowest-common denominator of ex communication. You would look like a massively weak chump if you responded to those.

[Simon Phoenix]

In reading this thread, every idea you have sucks. Not saying that to be mean, but saying that to realize how ridiculous your thought process is. SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, IT'S UP TO HER TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY TO GET YOU BACK. Don't be a chump and ask for a friendly coffee that will put you on the highway to the friend zone. Don't be a wuss that jumps up and down with joy at a "hey" or "how are you" text. Make her come correct. Unless she says "I made a mistake and I want to try again" then you do nothing.

 

And the hell with a 30-day No Contact. You go No Contact until a) you are recovered and completely indifferent to her or b) until she goes out of her way to beg you back. Honestly, everything you want to do just screams weakness and desperation.

[lauri]

In reading this thread, every idea you have sucks. Not saying that to be mean, but saying that to realize how ridiculous your thought process is. SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, IT'S UP TO HER TO GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY TO GET YOU BACK. Don't be a chump and ask for a friendly coffee that will put you on the highway to the friend zone. Don't be a wuss that jumps up and down with joy at a "hey" or "how are you" text. Make her come correct. Unless she says "I made a mistake and I want to try again" then you do nothing.

 

And the hell with a 30-day No Contact. You go No Contact until a) you are recovered and completely indifferent to her or b) until she goes out of her way to beg you back. Honestly, everything you want to do just screams weakness and desperation.

 

Exactly. Every idea you have put forward would only make your girlfriend say "Thank god I broke up with you".

 

Your ex is not going to want to be with you if you are this weak / desperate...hell, no girl is going to want to be with you if you are like this. You want to seem disinterested, you want to seem like you are moving on and you want to seem strong...its called faking it until you make it.

 

You need to go NC for yourself and work towards mini-goals in order to get over the finish line (the point of indifference). Make 30-days no contact to a goal / benchmark to reach for (because that is how I started), then 60 days, etc. Keep working towards goals and work on yourself.

 

Read through the advice given to you on here - you'll see it all points to one thing - NC.

[heyitsmike]

Technically yes she was the one breaking up with me this summer, and she was about to do it again the last time we ended things about half a month ago, but then I stepped in and said "the only thing I haven’t done to this point during your depression is let you go. If you love something you’ll let it go, and if it comes back it's meant to be. " And the intention of doing that was we were both under the agreement that shed work on herself and try to become happy within herself. And although I have deleted her #, and blocked her on FB, I still know she has posted pics of her having fun with her friends, and making time for that around school, etc, which really makes me feel terrible because why couldn't she make that time for me?

 

While I do agree with a lot of you guys here and ultimately want to be come stronger than I am now here's the main things that are bothering me that lead to any of these ideas I have:

 

1) she’s leaving out this whole attraction to this other guy (probably not to hurt me)

2) misleading me and lying to me saying the break up is due to school, or depression, when in reality she has given me "breadcrumbs of false hope", like "I hope to be with you after this," etc

3) how I sat down and potentially pieced together everything which is the following:

a) June 23- broke up with me because of school (3 days later contacted me saying I hope you can see us rekindling things in near future)

b) July 8- ends things again with me for same reasons and getting ahead of herself

c) July 9th (7 hours later)- texts/calls me saying she has terrible abdominal pain, misses me and she’s lonely. I tell her she cant keep doing this to me and that these are the consequences of your decision. After 30 minutes she’s still crying in pain so I offer to drive to her place as a decent human being in case she has to go to the hospital. She is overwhelmed to see me and we talk all night and she tells me she has the fight to work on things, realized she only wanted to be with me and that shell never do this to me again. I also find a recent search on her history within the past couple of days for "sleeping with someone who has a GF." (Which leads me to believe she did something with this guy and then immediately regretted it and wanted to come back to me after realizing it was a mistake.

d) August 18- after going on a mini vacation where she was increasingly distant and texting this 31-year old guy constantly because she apparently was the middle man during him and his GF's fights (that’s what I was told), communication slowly dies out and we have another talk after a month of her developing a depression (which ultimately halted my attempts and progress at working on us). The talk is centered around her not being able to be in a relationship right now and I tell her to take the time to get happy so that one day we might be able to be together.

e) Aug 29th- my friend reveals to me she has an attraction to this 31-yeard old guy. (So right now in my head all I can think about is how she might be wanting to be intimate with him again, especially now that he has broken up with his girlfriend (whom they both work with! he’s the asst. chief of the ambulance corp. and they’re two volunteer EMT's, who are both 8-11 years younger than him)

 

 

 

So now that you guys see what’s going through my head on a daily basis and how I feel like I've stumbled upon figuring out a much bigger story, I have the overwhelming urge to either let her know that I'm not dumb and that I've figured it out (or just ask her if there's more to our break up than the reasons she gave) I feel like if I called her out on her BS she lose the lack and luster of being secretive with this 31-year old guy (again, still not sure if they've done anything, but its confirmed that she has a thing for him) also it might make her feel guilty for me finding out about it and hurting me.

 

I do always go back to the solution of NC at the end of the day however because yes its all a game and yes you have to fake it until you make it, but I just cant help but picture that everyday that goes by, every day that she is away from me, getting used to me not being in her life, seeing this 31-year old guy at work, and knowing in the back of her mind that were on good terms and that I still love her...doesn't exactly help my case of hoping she "realizes something" and comes back to me with a "I've made a huge mistake" text. She’s got the ball in her court because under false pretenses I told her to take the time to find happiness again within herself. She is seeing a therapist, and getting medication, but I just cant help but feel its not the whole truth she’s giving me as to why were not together.

 

And also thank you guys, it really means a lot that I can vent and express myself on here to subdue my thoughts, and yes I need a little tough love, and we've all been through things in our life and I cant tell you how much I look forward to neutral people's input and opinion on the matter because it does help me realize what I should be doing.

 

But given everything I've said above about potentially figuring out what’s happened with her this summer and what's been going through her head, that's why I feel the urge to do something so that way I can rattle the cage, call her out on her bs and tell her she’s hurt me like she promised she'd never do. And while I know NC is probably the best option for getting any kind of a natural reaction from her to ever want me back, for the reasons listed previously it scares me to allow her that much time to be away from me and what that might cause to happen.

will i come off as crazy if i tell her what i think is really going on? is it truly not my place to do anything right no but NC? why do i have this feeling of self entitlement to call her out?

Edited September 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Simon Phoenix]

I didn't read that wall of text, but if it involves anything but staying NC, it's worthless.

[lauri]

Your "bigger" story is no surprise. You are spending way too much time over analyzing and trying to figure out things.

 

Just because she is posting pictures doesn't mean shes happy. This is why removing her from social media eliminates the chance of you getting that false illusion that she is happy w/o you and "living a great life".

 

You really really do not understand...the only thing you can do that will "rattle her cage" is going NC and moving on. As Phoenix has said, your logic sucks. Stop tracking dates of events, stop thinking of ways to get her back and that you going NC will ruin any chance of being with her. I can promise you with the way you think / how desperate you are coming off with your plans, you will NOT have any chance getting back with her.

 

Read through the countless threads on here and see your story isn't unique...see how many of these people actually do not initiate NC and end up pushing their ex girlfriend into the arms of another guy. Anything you do will push you straight into the friendzone.

 

You two are over. She has no right to know what is going on in your life and you have no right to confront her for lying. She broke up with you and now its time to regain your strength.

[movingonnow1]

I didn't read that wall of text, but if it involves anything but staying NC, it's worthless.

 

^^^ This. You need to get your head out of the gutter...every suggestion I read on here is actually exactly what will make your ex girlfriend not want to be with you.

 

NC is the only option.

[heyitsmike]

I will most likely do NC

 

but just to clarify, NC is still the way to go even though she might be interested in someone else? (I don’t know about them dating with the whole 11 year difference factor(she’s almost 21) and the fact that they work with his ex-gf, but still) this makes me feel pressured, and it doesn’t help when all my friends tell me she was extremely attractive. This makes me value what I had even more.

-----------------

And here’s why I feel this pressure….

 

The other thing I realized was that before the initial break up and even during the summer when we were going back and forth, there were certain traits of mine that probably wore her interest down in me, and made the possibility of being legitimately attracted to another man possible:

1) I still live at home w/ my parents (1 year out of college), whom I have a great relationship with. Sometimes without asking, my mother would do me favors like run a load of laundry for me or make my bed if I was out (typical Italian overbearing mom), and my gf took that as me being "spoiled," even though I don’t ask them to do anything for me

2) ive been actively applying to different jobs for about a year, but did not have to work a remedial part time job to pay the bills. I had enough money saved up in the bank and no student loans so I did not have the pressing need to work. I also think it didn’t help that my own job frustrations led me make negative comments about how when I’d spend money it was "draining my bank account"

3) during this tricky time of us going back and forth it caused a real lack in the quality of our sex life. We had sex so sporadically that I wasn’t used to it and it made it hard sometimes to make myself last for a very long time. The other thing is that we never really made love during this time, but it felt more like ****ing (if you cant understand that). I chalked that up to us progressing things back slowly, and then later because she was depressed and distracted. I understand now this might have been a result on her end losing interest in me and our distant sex life was a physical symbol of that I feel.

 

So all these things together opened the door I’m assuming.

 

And this other 31 year old guy...

1) worked with her long hours at this ambulance corp, which is something they both love

2) he got promoted to asst. chief there before the summer (which shows determination vs. my not getting a job)

3) she’s frequently been talking with him as a good friend for a while now and its confirmed via my friend she's attracted to him.

-------------------------

So this is why I have an urge to do something (even though I can see its the wrong thing to do). This just might be a similar urge for all relationships, but in my case im scared that the more time I’m away from her ( NC) she’ll develop new habits, continue to spend countless hours working with him and/or outside of work, getting to know each other and before you know it she might actually put aside the age difference or anything else holding her back and pursue something with him. They’re both at the same point in their lives (living around that area) while doing the same job, and neither of them are going anywhere for at least a year, which is how long she has left in undergrad school.

 

so the thing is what exactly would I say: well If I had to venture the nature of what I would say, it wouldn’t be like my last post, which was more aggressive and involved me playing police detective analyzing and calling her out on her actions & words. This time around (hypothetically once again!) **it would be centered more on how I’m finally more independent now, just got a full time job and am moving out and getting a place in about a month when I start work. Also lately I’ve been figuring out again what I want in my life and doing fun things on my own and with friends, and I want to share not only those experiences with her, but this new exciting life. i can also weave in past relationship experiences and evoke some memories and emotion as well. I want to show her I’m not doing those things she didn’t like before.** I still love her and while I may not be aware of what 100% is going on with her or her and this guy (or may never know) I feel like a real man would fight for what he wants or go down trying rather than play games, dwell, and ignore someone they love. However this just might be my heart talking here, so take what I say lightly (im just expressing myself)

 

So....

 

for now I probably will do NC as it seems to be 90% of what everyone recommends to me, but I just want to be honest and tell you the biggest worry of mine is not acting now and allowing her time to "move on," or worse "move on and allow her self to pursue this guy." (Whether that means hooking up with him(which she might have already done) or even dating him (which she told me she couldn’t date anyone right now because she’s "toxic"))

 

I know she got jealous during our relationship and I feel like NC, subtly posting and leaving positive things via social media for her to see (good things going on for me, a completely innocent picture of me with a friend who is a girl whom she might not know, etc) but I know waiting around for her to call and want to talk about us, is not in my favor at the moment, especially when she knows I still want to be with her and with this legitimate attraction to this other guy whom she's good friends with.

 

What I’m asking:

 

considering the potential situation of her pursuing any kind of relationship/intimacy with this guy, or allowing her time to "move on from me," should I say **anything of any kind** about how I have a lot going for me right now and its exciting and I just want her to be right there with me.

Please bare with me here, I use this forum as a way to think out loud, and asking these questions helps along the way

Edited September 7, 2014 by heyitsmike

[heyitsmike]

Taking a step back looking at this situation i cant help but feel foolish for asking what to do here, but I'd be lying if every time my ex-girlfriend (20) texted me i wasn't confused as to what to reply with. we've been back and forth all summer and since we've broken up shell send me one text every week or two saying hi or just checking in. she ended things with me for a number of reasons, first being because of ho overwhelming school is, then it was because of her newly developed depression. but as of recently I've learned from a trustworthy source, she is attracted to another guy , the only thing is she didn't tell me anything about this break up being about other people.

 

I'm looking for advice as to what to do with these small encounters in the future and how to reply to the text she just sent me of "hey mike i hope you have a great week "

[evanescentworld]

if you are the one to establish No Contact then the only one who can break it, is you. She doesn't break NC by texting or trying to speak to you. It's you, by responding to anything and everything. As long as you refuse or desist, then she can keep on until she's blue in the face. NC is maintained as long as you don't peck up the continual breadcrumbs.

[heyitsmike]

i mean in my particular situation, i'd like to be in a position to get her back, and my only worry is that NC will send a message to "go away from me," but at the same time i dont want her to continue to think she has me "in her pocket," or something. she definitely knows i still have feelings for her but all i want to do is put myself in the best possible spot. i know this girl and i know deep lovey dovey stuff and jealousy get a reaction from her.

[evanescentworld]

Have you actually read the No Contact guide?

The guide is precisely for cutting all and any possible contact full stop and end of story. If you want to maintain contact then by all means be my guest but expect rebuttals, breadcrumbs and unrequited feelings all the way down the line. Head against wall banging, really....

[tim_tom]

i mean in my particular situation, i'd like to be in a position to get her back, and my only worry is that NC will send a message to "go away from me," but at the same time i dont want her to continue to think she has me "in her pocket," or something. she definitely knows i still have feelings for her but all i want to do is put myself in the best possible spot. i know this girl and i know deep lovey dovey stuff and jealousy get a reaction from her.

 

Hey friend, she's interested in another guy. Maybe if that goes nowhere she will come back, but why would you want her? It's almost certain it will happen the next time a guy comes around.

 

There's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship at this point of time if she's interested in someone else.

 

I know it's hard not to respond, I just broke NC after about 5 texts and 15 days on Friday. For similar reasons to you. And you know what, it only set me back.

[heyitsmike]

the worst part of my situation is we have been back and forth about 3x this past summer and we've already gone through the whole "she broke it off and then begged me to take her back stage." i just feel there's an even smaller chance of that happening for her gain, especially now that shes attracted to this other guy. i don't think shes telling me because she doesn't want to hurt me, but psychologically she is probably keeping me on friendly terms to become friends (which she has told my good friend that's what she hopes for). it also works out for her too by doing this because it makes me a backup plan that she can take advantage of, knowing my feelings.

 

i'm not sure how NC would work at this point, and whether she'd just take it as "okay i tried," or if it might be my best option.

[evanescentworld]

I'm sorry but the above post makes you sound like the doormat waiting for her to wipe her feet again.

Quit pussy-footing around and just go NC. It's a waste of time hopping from one leg to the other, in a "will-she-won't-she" frame of mind.

Make the decision - do it. Just cut off all contact and quit prevaricating.

If she's this flighty and flaky, she's not worth it.

[Ordinaryday]

I had the same mobile number for about seven years and one thing that annoyed me is occasionally out of the blue I would get a breadcrumb text message from an ex, and seeing it would bring up old painful memories and upset me for the day.

 

it got annoying, never knowing whether I would get a breadcrumb or not, so eventually I just had the number disconnected and got a new one.

 

it felt so liberating to know now, that even if an ex WANTED to breadcrumb me she wouldnt be able to, even if she texted my old number all she would get back is an automated "this number has been disconnected" response.

 

maybe you should do the same.

[Chi townD]

"Okay, I tried" What is your idea of "trying"? Trying to stall you in healing from this person that doesn't want you? Trying to place you in the friend zone and think that she can come and go from your life as she pleases? Trying to ease her own guilt for what she did to you?

 

 

Or do you think she's trying to get back with you? Sorry dude. If she was "trying" to do that, she would have put forth a hellva lot more effort instead of, "I hope you have a great week".

[heyitsmike]

yeah i think at least for now ill set little goals of 21-30 days of NC.

 

but all i was saying before was the reason i feel compelled to text her back is because the possibility of her doing something with this guy, and the fact that i feel like im playing games and a "real man" would fight for what he wants, be confident or go down swinging.

 

that's all. but yes i understand for purposes of bettering myself NC is the best for now

[mightycpa]

Yoda: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

[Chi townD]

yeah i think at least for now ill set little goals of 21-30 days of NC.

 

but all i was saying before was the reason i feel compelled to text her back is because the possibility of her doing something with this guy, and the fact that i feel like im playing games and a "real man" would fight for what he wants, be confident or go down swinging.

 

that's all. but yes i understand for purposes of bettering myself NC is the best for now

 

 

What you want and what you're going to get are two different things.

 

 

And what EXACTLY is a real man? I mean, come on! This is the 21st century.

 

 

What if what you're fighting for is for someone that is going to treat you like a doormat? What if you're fighting for a girl that has no problem tossing you to the curb (she's done it once already)? What if you're fight for a girl that isn't 100% into you, but has the "Meh, he'll do until someone better comes along."? What if you're fighting for a girl that doesn't want to be with you, but needs to have a friendly relationship with you in order to ease her guilt? Do you think you deserve that? Is that worth fighting for?

 

 

Dude, hard lesson to learn here. There are more women on this planet then there are men. Go find one that actually wants to be with you.

[heyitsmike]

yeah i know that its a process, and i have been implementing this NC and plan on doing it for at least until the end of this month (setting small goals for myself with the intention of making long term progress)

 

like i said she texted me 3 days ago saying "hey i hope you have a great week : ) "

 

i ignored her

 

now just 20 minutes ago i got a text from her saying "i really hope everything is alright with you."

 

i responded yet, but i know her, and i know there's a chance she has the ego to call me later to "check in on me," and to inquire about why i've been ignoring her. the 1st time we broke up she would do this days after the break up with just the intent of making sure i was okay. this goes hand in hand with the whole "appeasing her own guilt" thing. if she knows i'm okay she doesn't have to feel bad about hurting me. but the flip side to this argument is that she might be taking this as a mike is mad/depressed about this break up and that's why he's ignoring me.

 

part of me just wants to send her a short simple text like "yeah everything is great!" but also the only thing i haven't tried with her is complete NC. but the only risk in that is exactly what i just described above, and that's giving her the wrong idea that im mad/sad or being immature by ignoring her.

 

so what do i do if she calls me?

do i give her a short response back?

or keep the NC?

[Chi townD]

If she's wondering how you are; if she's thinking that Mike is hurt and angry and doesn't want to talk to me, then fine. Let her think that. But, she gave up the right to know how you're doing the moment she kicked you to the curb. It's not your job to ease her guilt.

 

 

If she calls let it go to voicemail. Then, get on here and talk about it. People will be here to talk you through it.

[heyitsmike]

me and my ex have been back and forth this summer about 3x. we've gone from serious sit down discussions saying its not going to work, to literally hours later her calling me crying saying i miss you and want you back. but recently in mid-august we ended things with her latest reason of being depressed. we've talked casually since then, but as of last week i decided to try no contact. shes texted me twice during this brief period with one text saying "hey i hope you have a great week : )" [then after continually ignoring her for 3 days] she sends me "i really hope everything is alright with you."

 

i feel like she thinks im ignoring her because im mad and i question whether no contact will actually work for me or if i should just switch to causal conversation mode with her, but more specially

Be a friend. Treat her like a human being, and if she changes her mind and wants a relationship, she will come to me. not “trying to make her jealous,”or not “only talking to her when she reaches out,” because it might make me seem disinterested in both friendship and romance.

Just be normal and talk when i have something to say. She will make her own decisions on her own time.

 

is it too late for NC or should i change my strategy here