Too intimidated ?

[Emilia]

After our wonderful time together Friday he sent me a couple of messages saying what an amazing time he had with me. I noticed he was a little quieter than his usual.

 

The following day (Sunday) we were making plans to do something together and he gave me a call. He told me he was very tired but still wanted to see me. Then after a few minutes conversation he told me I might as well know now, he sometimes struggles with depression, it never last long, a few days then he is back to himself. He thought wine Friday night brought it on.

 

He insisted still on seeing me but a couple of hours after he sent me a message he couldn't do it and rescheduled for a lunch Tuesday. Today came by and this morning I got a text that he was not doing well, he apologized and assured me he would get better soon and he would call me Wed or Thurs.

It's not depression. Depression episodes can last weeks or months, they aren't ups and downs that get better in a few hours or in a few days brought on by wine. He has emotional regulation issues and he is old enough to learn how to hide it.

 

This is what you attract Gaeta when you jump into things. Unstable guys. I'm sorry but you need to even out your approach to dating, you need to get more patient, take expectations and whirlwind off the table. Otherwise you'll never find anyone stable.

[Gaeta]

You have been getting to know him and now you are finding out he is a nutcase.

 

That is a very judgmental comment toward everybody on here that have to deal with depression.

[Gaeta]

This is what you attract Gaeta when you jump into things. Unstable guys. I'm sorry but you need to even out your approach to dating, you need to get more patient, take expectations and whirlwind off the table. Otherwise you'll never find anyone stable.

 

I did not jump into things. We had 3 public dates and 1 home date. I am getting out of breath repeating this. This contact unfolded as it's suppose to. If I had met him and spent our entire weekend together or spent hours and hours together like some people post on here ya sure, that would be jumping in it but I am sorry, a 2 hour brunch, 1 hour lunch then a 2 hour dinner spread over 5 days it not jumping into things.

[Gaeta]

It's not depression. Depression episodes can last weeks or months, they aren't ups and downs that get better in a few hours or in a few days brought on by wine. He has emotional regulation issues and he is old enough to learn how to hide it.

 

I did my homework and read everything available to me on depression and spoke to friends who've been suffering from it for years. First there are 9 types of depression and all of them act differently. Yes some people can have different episodes of depression through a same day, week, month. A cycle of depression can last from 2 weeks to 8 months. Yes some depression have cycles brought on by triggers like alcohol, headaches, a bad news or even a high like a super happy news can bring on a spout of depression.

[Gary S]

Let me tell you a short story. I dated a woman last month I referred to as Jennifer Aniston (real name withheld to protect the guilty!)... I had 5 dates with her. The first flag that popped up was after date 3 when she said she would call me the next day, but never did (people with integrity and sanity do what they say) I gave her another chance. Found out she had drug and alcohol addiction problems in the past, but had been clean for 4 years - I knew she was clean, so that might be okay (bu more flags were popping up). But then on date 5, she mentioned she used to go to codependency classes/group. Then, after date 5, I called her, but she did not return my call, that was a flag. 24 hours later, she texted me saying, "I'm sorry I did not call you back Gary, my friends which were down for the weekend, went back home and I am depressed."

 

What did I do? Nothing. I'll never see her again. And it was not easy to do, she checked all the boxes, she was beautiful, an above average catch on several levels, everything else was right. For a happy and healthy relationship that can last, you'd have a better chance with someone who is sane.

Edited April 25, 2015 by Gary S

[Gaeta]

For a happy and healthy relationship that can last, you'd have a better chance with someone who is sane.

 

Sigh..............ya.

 

I always hear I need someone better, then I go to next, it's become my specialty to move to next.

 

He was married 9+ years then a relationship of 4 years, he can't be THAT relationship dysfunctional. But you're right and everyone else is right, it's a lot to take on.

[katiegrl]

This whole thing still sounds really hokey to me.

 

Gaeta, did he tell you why he feels he needs to check into a clinic? Was he feeling suicidal?

 

Since depression is an illness that can be easily treated with meds, in most cases, the only reason one gets admitted to a hospital/clinic is if they feel they are a danger to themselves or others.

 

And even THEN, assuming that's the case, there is a sense of urgency there, it is not something they plan for in advance....like an extended stay at a rehab facility for example.

 

Also, there is still a huge stigma surrounding mental illness. It is a very private disease and many if not most who suffer from it feel a certain sense of shame...embarrassment about it. They shouldn't but many do.

 

With depression especially, it is usually not something people go announcing to others, especially virtual strangers as you are.

 

My take is he REALLY fell for you Gaeta, which he was NOT expecting. Since much of what he told you during your first few dates was utter bullshyt...for god only knows what reason -- perhaps that's just his game -- since actually falling for you, again not expected on his part, he realizes with all the lies he told you about himself, he got in over his head and is now scrambling for a way OUT.

 

This story he is telling you about his so-called depression thing and checking himself into a clinic is his way of doing that without appearing like a total douchebag!

 

Having a nursing degree and having studied mental illness (depression)...his story just doesn't jive Gaeta....sorry.

[Gaeta]

But everything he told me was verifiable online. I saw articles about him, more than one, with his pictures, I saw his professional pedigree too confirming what he told me about his profession and companies he contracted with.

 

 

Anyway, it's just me hanging to the thought of what it could have been. It will pass and I'll be working on my next prospect soon. If this guy here is genuine and is really in a clinic than he's not out of there soon.

[Diezel]

That's what I think is hilarious... if the guy is genuinely dealing with "problems"... the fact that you are crying out loud about YOUR obstacles. It reads as a "Why does the universe hate me" kinda post while this guy is battling something serious.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, did he tell you why he feels he needs to check into a clinic? Was he feeling suicidal?

 

No he did not. We didn't talk in details about his condition, our exchanges were short and polite. He thanked me for checking up on him, informed me he had to check in a clinic and he'll call me as soon as he is feeling better.

 

I know about the stigma, I can feel it on here and from people around me here. I could also feel he was embarrassed to tell me when he did over the phone. Fortunately for him I am very nonjudgmental and open minded. Before I discard something I look into it. When he told me he had already started his mental descent so it was not time for me to start interrogating him.

[Gaeta]

That's what I think is hilarious... if the guy is genuinely dealing with "problems"... the fact that you are crying out loud about YOUR obstacles. It reads as a "Why does the universe hate me" kinda post while this guy is battling something serious.

 

Diezel, I am usually a fan of your posts but in this thread I can't follow you. You come in with these comments that make no sense to me. Where am I crying about my obstacles? Excuse me for making this ONE comment somewhere 3 pages ago. Everyone around here are against me for giving this man time and understanding but you feel it's all about me. I don't see it.

[Carm]

Gaeta,

 

 

I was with a man for 4 years after my marriage who started out much like your guy...wanted to fast track the relationship, told me heroic stories about his "Special Forces" days....yada yada yada..Fast forward to the end of our relationship, all of it was NOT true. He was a con man (except I don't even know what his con was)....moral of the story I will never microwave a relationship. I can go on and on about this man but that would hijack your post. There has to be a natural pace and the amount of dates he set up was too many, even if they were short public dates!

 

 

When a man wants to have so many dates in a short period, tells you these grandiose stories that make you go wow and goes on that he has his eyes set on you (or however he worded it) it's a concern!

[MissBee]

Gaeta - I don't know if you remember when I started dating my nowHusband...

 

I was totally intimated; he speaks 10 languages, is a noted surgeon, went to boarding schools, has two PhD's, has a pilot's license, traveled the world, met with and worked alongside famous politicians....

 

You get the picture. The sum of what we do is not who we are. My guy was drawn to me - not because we went to the same boarding schools (because I was kicked out of a public school; not because we can converse in multiple languages (because I only know the one), nor because I take over the seat in an airplane (because I can't).

 

We all bring something unique to a relationship and he obviously likes what you are contributing; be thankful and appreciative and don't get too caught up in his "lifestyle" because it is illusive and can't be the groundwork of a strong relationship.

 

I totally agree with Carrie.

 

It's normal to feel intimidated, but I think you have to put things in perspective and put aside his accomplishments to get to know him as a person. Yes his accomplishments are part of that, but he knows who you are, so if he was looking for someone with the exact same accomplishments he wouldn't be dating you. That said, if he's dating you there are obviously things he likes about you that he finds valuable.

 

You have your own things going on and should think of yourself as capable and accomplished in your own way who can bring something to the relationship and continue seeing him with that mindset versus being dazzled and feeling automatically less-than because of his status.

[katiegrl]

No he did not. We didn't talk in details about his condition, our exchanges were short and polite. He thanked me for checking up on him, informed me he had to check in a clinic and he'll call me as soon as he is feeling better.

.

 

Being as depressed as he *claims* to be, I am surprised he had the energy or even the desire to answer the phone.

 

Depressed people want to be left alone, they have neither the desire nor the energy to talk to anyone!

 

I mean, think about the times when you have felt *down*. Not even depressed, just down.

 

I know for me and most people, we don't want to talk to anyone. I shut my phone off and climb into bed!

 

Multiply that feeling by 100 and that is what a "depressed" person feels like.

 

But yet he answered his phone, had a convo with you about needing to check himself into a clinic, thanked you for calling, and THEN had the presence of mind to tell you he will call you when he feels better?

 

Gaeta, the guy is full of crap! JMO.

 

In any event, I guess all you can do now is WAIT for him to contact you, right?

 

Good luck...hope it works out for ya.

Edited April 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Not quite like that katie

 

Last sunday he called to tell me he felt down and told me ahout his depression. Talked about lunch for Tuesday.

 

Tuesday l had not heard from him at all and l text. He replied he is not doing well apologized, said he has been sleeping since Friday and said he will call Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Friday comes and nothing from him. I text him and that's when he told me he was in a clinic and will call as soon as he feels better.

[elaine567]

Not quite like that katie

 

Last sunday he called to tell me he felt down and told me ahout his depression. Talked about lunch for Tuesday.

 

Tuesday l had not heard from him at all and l text. He replied he is not doing well apologized, said he has been sleeping since Friday and said he will call Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Friday comes and nothing from him. I text him and that's when he told me he was in a clinic and will call as soon as he feels better.

 

Is he allowed visitors?

[kendahke]

Not quite like that katie

 

Last sunday he called to tell me he felt down and told me ahout his depression. Talked about lunch for Tuesday.

 

Tuesday l had not heard from him at all and l text. He replied he is not doing well apologized, said he has been sleeping since Friday and said he will call Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Friday comes and nothing from him. I text him and that's when he told me he was in a clinic and will call as soon as he feels better.

 

 

Wow, the exact same thing has happened in my relationship.

[katiegrl]

Not quite like that katie

 

Last sunday he called to tell me he felt down and told me ahout his depression. Talked about lunch for Tuesday.

 

Tuesday l had not heard from him at all and l text. He replied he is not doing well apologized, said he has been sleeping since Friday and said he will call Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Friday comes and nothing from him. I text him and that's when he told me he was in a clinic and will call as soon as he feels better.

 

Okay sorry did not realize he was *already* in the clinic. You said in an earlier post he told you he was "checking himself into* a clinic.

 

And your earlier post said you *talked* to him which led me to think you, well, actually TALKED to him. My bad.

 

That said, so he is in the clinic battling depression, and responding to text messages?

 

Bizarre!!!

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I just read your earlier post. You *did* say he had checked into a clinic, again my bad, sorry.

 

I still think him responding to text messages while in a clinic battling depression is a bit odd, but whatevs.

 

However, if he IS telling you the truth, I hope he gets better soon and calls you like he said.

 

Take it from there...

 

Keep us posted!

[Gaeta]

Is he allowed visitors?

 

I don't know, I didn't ask. I doubt he wants visitors. I would not want him to see me in a state of depression. I don't ask questions, I just checked up on him and kept it short and supportive. I hear people in that phase don't want to interact with anyone but appreciate the occasional message that we think about them and things will get better soon.

[katiegrl]

I don't know, I didn't ask. I doubt he wants visitors. I would not want him to see me in a state of depression. I don't ask questions, I just checked up on him and kept it short and supportive. I hear people in that phase don't want to interact with anyone but appreciate the occasional message that we think about them and things will get better soon.

 

Gaeta, do you know what clinic he's being treated at? Since you investigated him earlier (and had no quams doing so), you could call anonymously just to see if he's there. Or send flowers?

 

I would, but then again I am skeptical because the story sounds hokey...

 

Your call of course.

Edited April 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[writergal]

I don't know, I didn't ask. I doubt he wants visitors. I would not want him to see me in a state of depression. I don't ask questions, I just checked up on him and kept it short and supportive. I hear people in that phase don't want to interact with anyone but appreciate the occasional message that we think about them and things will get better soon.

 

It's common knowledge that psychiatric clinics do not give their patients access to their cellphones. A psychiatric clinic isn't like a hotel. There are restrictions for patients, that includes no cellphone access. Plus, psychiatric patients can't just take calls from anyone who calls them while they're admitted, even when they self-admit. So, whenever you spoke to this guy, I can guarantee you that he was not admitted into a psychiatric clinic and was lying to you if he claimed he was.

[katiegrl]

It's common knowledge that psychiatric clinics do not give their patients access to their cellphones. A psychiatric clinic isn't like a hotel. There are restrictions for patients, that includes no cellphone access. Plus, psychiatric patients can't just take calls from anyone who calls them while they're admitted, even when they self-admit. So, whenever you spoke to this guy, I can guarantee you that he was not admitted into a psychiatric clinic and was lying to you if he claimed he was.

 

Well there ya go...

 

Case closed.

[Phoe]

It's common knowledge that psychiatric clinics do not give their patients access to their cellphones. A psychiatric clinic isn't like a hotel. There are restrictions for patients, that includes no cellphone access. Plus, psychiatric patients can't just take calls from anyone who calls them while they're admitted, even when they self-admit. So, whenever you spoke to this guy, I can guarantee you that he was not admitted into a psychiatric clinic and was lying to you if he claimed he was.

 

I wondered about this, but didn't wanna say anything since I have no idea how clinics are run.

 

My natural instinct, though, is that in any kind of clinic/rehab type place, phones would be on lockdown. Access to the outside world could be way too triggering.

[GemmaUK]

I hadn't yet posted here - I felt no need to as you were dealing as I would have done last time I read this.

 

 

I wouldn't tolerate nor stick with someone who was so bad he was in a clinic thought.

 

 

This isn't a reality you should have to nor should be willing to deal with after meeting someone Gaeta.

 

 

I am sorry to hear he is this bad however, he also should not be dating if the potential is for this kind of thing to happen.

 

I would not date if I knew this kind of thing might happen to me or is something regular/likely. It's my responsibility after all.