Too intimidated ?

[Gaeta]

Well looks like I am on my own on this one. Everyone on here is against him, none of my real life friends are supportive of him, and you just convinced my daughter (who was my only support up to now) that I deserve better.

 

So I am naive in the matters of the heart but I can still recognize that when everyone is siding together on something chances are I am the one that is wrong. I'm gonna let it go and not contact him anymore.

[Gaeta]

If dating a bP I or bP 2 doesn't phase you Gaeta, more power to you. It's just not a mental illness I want to deal with ever again. And I dated a guy with schizophrenia too.

 

The bp1 and bp2 story was about my daughter's last night date. I don't know what type of depression this current man has.

[writergal]

Well looks like I am on my own on this one. Everyone on here is against him, none of my real life friends are supportive of him, and you just convinced my daughter (who was my only support up to now) that I deserve better.

 

So I am naive in the matters of the heart but I can still recognize that when everyone is siding together on something chances are I am the one that is wrong. I'm gonna let it go and not contact him anymore.

 

Don't take support in the wrong way. Enough of us have personal experience, so by sharing those personal experiences here with you, and the insight we gained, we hope that it informs you to see another perspective from yours. No one is against you at all, just supportive and maybe even a little protective.

[katiegrl]

Agreed. And even if he was in an IOP - Intensive Outpatient Clinic, he would be scheduled with therapy sessions and doctor meetings and would not have much of an inclination to deal with romantic dates or relationships. That's why I find his whole story hard to swallow. None of it makes sense. He has poor interpersonal boundaries for telling you about his mental illness right away before he really knows you. Again, I base that on my personal experiences dating mentally ill men. I don't trust them, and for good reason. If dating a bP I or bP 2 doesn't phase you Gaeta, more power to you. It's just not a mental illness I want to deal with ever again. And I dated a guy with schizophrenia too.

 

Good points WG, but what I'm getting from all this is that he does NOT even suffer from depression or any type of mental illness for that matter. His whole story doesn't jive, for reasons stated in my earlier post.

 

For whatever reason he wants out, and is using this so-called "depression* excuse as a way to fade, or bide some time, without coming off like a major douchebag.

 

I HOPE I'M WRONG!

[writergal]

Good points WG, but what I'm getting from all this is that he does NOT even suffer from depression or any type of mental illness for that matter. His whole story doesn't jive, for reasons stated in my earlier post.

 

For whatever reason he wants out, and is using this so-called "depression* excuse as a way to fade, or bide some time, without coming off like a major douchebag.

 

I HOPE I'M WRONG!

 

Yep. Wouldn't be the first time either that a man used text messages to lie. Convenient, text messaging is, for liars when they want to fade from a woman who shows interest. If that's the case, he is a real douchebag.

[Kamille]

I just read his text to my daughter who's with me today. She says I may be interpreting this wrong. His words are: I am hanging in there I am in the clinic but I am fine, I will call you as soon as I am doing better.

 

She feels I am misinterpreting I am in the clinic. It could mean he was at the doctor's office while I texted him.

 

I would interpret his text the same way your daughter does.

 

But then, that would raise the question: when will he call?

 

And Gaeta, you strike me as a very empathetic AND pragmatic women who needs someone she can rely on, someone who won't leave you hanging. I'm glad you're letting him go. If and when he calls, you can reassess - but please don't let empathy over-ride your own needs.

[Diezel]

Well looks like I am on my own on this one. Everyone on here is against him, none of my real life friends are supportive of him, and you just convinced my daughter (who was my only support up to now) that I deserve better.

 

The real question you need to ask yourself is, "Gaeta, do I want to live this way just because I think I might care for him short-term?"

[Gaeta]

The real question you need to ask yourself is, "Gaeta, do I want to live this way just because I think I might care for him short-term?"

 

What do you mean I might care for him short-term?

[Diezel]

What do you mean I might care for him short-term?

 

Short-term, meaning you care for him now.

 

But will you feel the same long-term if this pattern continues to repeat?

[Gaeta]

Short-term, meaning you care for him now.

 

But will you feel the same long-term if this pattern continues to repeat?

 

I don't know the pattern yet. Is this something that recurs once a year or on monthly basis? I don't know. Does it affect his character? does he get aggressive and irritable? I don't know. That is why I said if his story is true I need to know exactly what he has and what it involves.

 

I know my needs and I know my limits too. I know I am not going to deal with any kind of aggressiveness and I won't be with someone that does not manage diligently his mental illness.

[kodakgirl]

Gaeta--I just want to say, that though I do feel there are red flags about this guy, I think your current mindset is very, very admirable. It's really rather difficult to read some of these assumptions about people with mental illness. Certainly it's not something to brush off, and absolutely some people with mental illness are also *******s. Sometimes they also have borderline personality disorder... it sounds to me like some of those in the anecdotes shared here are in this category. You can't equate these things. People with depression or bipolar disorder are NOT automatically *******s and/or borderline. Good people suffering from suicidal tendencies do NOT use them to manipulate people. That's a very hurtful assumption to make.

 

Of course that is not to brush off the impact of mental illnesses on relationship partners, especially if untreated. It's very, very important to know how the person handles it. People who struggle with severe depression or bipolar disorder absolutely can have functional relationships, but they do need to really try. They need to take responsibility for the issues their illness may cause and the impact it will have on their partner, and work with that. I feel they also really need to be getting regular treatment (usually including meds... I would be very cautious if someone was refusing to take any). And the partner has to go in aware, as well, taking it seriously and accepting it's probably going to be even more important to establish the right balance between compassion and their emotional limits than in many other relationships. Boundaries are very important.

 

I disagree that it should not be brought up early. I don't think it necessarily has to be, depending on the circumstances, but I think it's responsible for someone to raise it before things get too serious. Not everyone can deal with it, or wants to. It's the same as a (physical) chronic illness. You'd want to know your partner has MS or cystic fibrosis before getting in to deep, so you can rationally assess if you can deal with that, and get a sense of how they do. I feel in this situation especially it would have been wrong not to bring it up. I think it's commendable he was honest (okay, assuming he was, which I'm not 100% sure we can, but I also don't think we can't). The phone/clinic thing is perhaps a bit suspicious, but a) I think it's totally fair to read it the way your daughter did, that he texted you from reception and b) to me, 'clinic' implies 'outpatient clinic.' He'd only be there 10-4 or whatever. There are various kinds of outpatient programs for mental illness. My mother is a nurse at one. 'The unit' or 'the hospital' would be admitted. If this is true, it does reflect well on his self-awareness that he realized he was struggling and went to get help.

 

You may already have decided to end it; I'm not quite sure, reading this. That's entirely up to you. But I wanted to add my voice that I think it's great you approached this without censure, being open to finding out more and assessing what you'd deal with. You are good at being cautious, so honestly I feel that if you do want to give it a bit longer so you can get a real sense of how these issues manifest themselves in HIS life, I am behind you. There may very well be other issues, but, if he's being honest about the depression, I personally don't think it has to be one. Everyone has their own limits, and that's fine. If it is an issue to some people, that's fair. But if to you it's not, that's also fair.

 

If you want to know where this is coming from-- I have depression myself, though it's well controlled with medication and hasn't caused me any issues since its first flare-up. So does my mother, who is one of the most compassionate people you'd ever meet. She's worked as a psych nurse for at 15 years, mostly on the unit, with the most critically ill. I have a strong interest and have talked to her a lot about it, as well as doing lots of personal research (for my own creative work). I've read lots of accounts and talked to lots of people dealing with these things. It's very case-by-case. I don't think you can say people with mental illnesses are inherently undateable, but not all of them are dateable, either. Personally I don't think I could handle someone with bipolar I as a partner, even if it were well-controlled. I'd never date someone borderline. You have to know yourself and know them--and in this case, I don't think you do know the latter, yet.

 

PM me if you want to talk more. I'm not saying 'yes, do it!'-- but I'm agreeing that you don't know, yet, if you should. I think that's a very, very good approach.

[Gaeta]

WOW....He is back on POF with new pictures - and a status saying he is not seeking any type of relationship or commitment.

 

I am speechless :-(

[CrystalCastles]

WOW....He is back on POF with new pictures - and a status saying he is not seeking any type of relationship or commitment.

 

I am speechless :-(

 

Sounds like the depression story was just that, a story.

 

Time to hit the eject button.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

WOW....He is back on POF with new pictures - and a status saying he is not seeking any type of relationship or commitment.

 

I am speechless :-(

 

Is that bad or good? Not seeking any type of relationship or commitment sounds good, but the new photos sound bad.

[Gaeta]

Is that bad or good? Not seeking any type of relationship or commitment sounds good, but the new photos sound bad.

 

I will summarize. He told me he took his pics down to concentrate on me. After our 4th date he called to say he was having a bout of depression and for an entire week he pretended to be depressed and even be in a clinic but he's online with new pics.

[elaine567]

I will summarize. He told me he took his pics down to concentrate on me. After our 4th date he called to say he was having a bout of depression and for an entire week he pretended to be depressed and even be in a clinic but he's online with new pics.

 

Photography - all part of the therapy for his depression, I guess.

 

He must be feeling better.

 

Is there anyone just "normal" out there?

[myothernic2]

WOW....He is back on POF with new pictures - and a status saying he is not seeking any type of relationship or commitment.

 

I am speechless :-(

 

Sorry to hear that At least it wasn't months later but I know it still sucks.

[Gaeta]

I can't believe after all the online dating I did, all those times I was played, it's STILL this easy to fool me :-(

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I can't believe after all the online dating I did, all those times I was played, it's STILL this easy to fool me :-(

 

I don't think he had the intention of fooling you. I think men (people, really) pretty much live in the moment and make decisions as to what suits their fancy at the time.

 

I have no doubt he was smitten with you when he was with you. Then not seeing you for a few days, he just does whatever he pleases because he feels like it and deems his mood more important than his words to you.

[elaine567]

I can't believe after all the online dating I did, all those times I was played, it's STILL this easy to fool me :-(

 

Ridiculous to think that a man of his standing and age has to resort to making stuff up about "depression" in order to avoid just dating someone.

Obviously conflict-avoidant.

[jen1447]

Really crappy outcome Gaeta, many sorries.

[katiegrl]

Oh I think he knew perfectly well what he was doing. Something freaked him out after your last date (the 7 hour date) and he wanted out.

 

But since he had come on so strong, he needed an excuse so as to not look like a total douchebag.

 

Hence, the depression story, his being treated at a clinic and his utter bullshyt announcement that he will call you when he feels better.

 

Obviously he is feeling better, so where's that phone call?

 

The guy is full of crap Gaeta, I had him pegged way back on page 2!

 

I wouldn't even give him a chance to call (not that he even plans to)...I would block and delete.

 

Good riddance! Lying douchebag.....

[Peachland]

Oh I think he knew perfectly well what he was doing. Something freaked him out after your last date (the 7 hour date) and he wanted out.

 

But since he had come on so strong, he needed an excuse so as to not look like a total douchebag.

 

Hence, the depression story, his being treated at a clinic and his utter bullshyt announcement that he will call you when he feels better.

 

Obviously he is feeling better, so where's that phone call?

 

The guy is full of crap Gaeta, I had him pegged way back on page 2!

 

I wouldn't even give him a chance to call (not that he even plans to)...I would block and delete.

 

Good riddance! Lying douchebag.....

 

I'm scratching my head at this one. Why make up such a crazy story and then go back online where she is sure to find him. Is he assuming she's waiting for his phone call and doesn't plan to go online again?

[Emilia]

It's not a crazy story by a 'normal' person, the guy is unstable. He probably meant at the very beginning what he said. Unfortunately as the OP tends to jump into dating complete strangers with both feet, she attracts the same.

[katiegrl]

I'm scratching my head at this one. Why make up such a crazy story and then go back online where she is sure to find him. Is he assuming she's waiting for his phone call and doesn't plan to go online again?

 

At this point, I don't think he's even thinking about it. Doesn't matter to him whether Gaeta sees him on line or not; he just doesn't give a crap.

 

If he did, even a little, he would be calling her! Like he said he would.