Too intimidated ?

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I have no desire to argue with you about this.

 

Go back and read this thread...many of us saw red flags.

 

You didn't...but now look what happened.

 

And what continues to happen...over and over.

 

Different face, different circumstances, but SAME result.

 

Who is the common denominator here?

 

Just sayin...

 

 

The only red flags people were talking about on here were his strong enthusiasm from beginning. What does it have to do with him battling depression? A man that shows a lot of interest is automatically battling a mental illness? Is that what I missed? You all missed it too. Katie if you see a connection than lay it on the table, don't make me guess.

[Gaeta]

I might be cynical, but I wonder if this is not how he usually operates. Blowtorching, taking down profiles after a couple of dates, getting to sex, talking about his issues and suddenly checking himself into rehab or something. Or going away to a far away country. Or something similar.

 

We did not have sex

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I am at work, but will try to respond with more later.

 

But in the meantime, I am curious. How did you find out he checked himself into a clinic?

[Gaeta]

But in the meantime, I am curious. How did you find out he checked himself into a clinic?

 

I contacted him this morning to see how he is doing and he told me.

[Toodaloo]

My new man had to check himself into a clinic :-(

 

What have I done to this world to inherit so many obstacles!!

 

Gaeta honey that just plain and simple sucks.

 

Hang on in there though. He obviously has a problem and is taking steps to resolve that problem. He is still in contact with you so I consider that as a positive. Having been there I can tell you that during my break down the whole world could F off and I couldn't have given a damn if you were Mary Queen of Scots I still wouldn't have wanted to speak to anyone.

 

Keep in touch but don't hold out hope. Keep living.

 

If it doesn't work out just remember that you didn't get a chance to peek in his cupboards so I bet he didn't have Le Creuset pans in there!

 

Chin up chook.

[katiegrl]

The only red flags people were talking about on here were his strong enthusiasm from beginning. What does it have to do with him battling depression? A man that shows a lot of interest is automatically battling a mental illness? Is that what I missed? You all missed it too. Katie if you see a connection than lay it on the table, don't make me guess.

 

Yes coming on so strong, so fast, the way he did, IS a big red flag, but there were other flags too.

 

Speaking for myself and a few others, I basically think the guy was (is) full of crap. Just a gut feeling based on things you told us about him -- things HE told you.

 

Also I could be wrong but since I have been a member here, "every" guy you have met on line, you have liked and been attracted to ..... enough to at least consider going forward with .... including one you slept with quickly (not judging you for that) who disappeared thereafter, one who faded out after three dates, and now this guy, who may or may NOT even be telling you the truth.

 

I am sorry I just find that behavior odd. You seem to jump into things very quickly, with every guy you meet (assuming he appears like a good catch) without taking the time to get to know him first.

 

I realize you are very attractive and yes guys WILL become immediately enthralled with you because of this.

 

But Gaeta, the fact is ....they don't know you, and you don't know them...but yet you insist on going along with their agenda each and every time, which includes accepting many dates within a very short period of time. Only to have them disappear soon thereafter... for one reason or another.

 

That is why I said maybe exercise a little discretion BEFORE jumping right in..with all the dates, etc.

 

You can still date them, but pace the dates out...get to know them first before deciding that a particular guy is someone with whom to go forward.

 

Please don't get defensive, this is only my opinion from everything you have posted...

Edited April 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Also I could be wrong but since I have been a member here, "every" guy you have met on line, you have liked and been attracted to ..... enough to at least consider going forward with .... including one you slept with quickly (not judging you for that) who disappeared thereafter, one who faded out after three dates, and now this guy, who may or may NOT even be telling you the truth.

 

You forgot the one that left the country after 6 months with no warning, the the following one who got married to someone else after 3 months :-(

 

 

I am sorry I just find that behavior odd. You seem to jump into things very quickly, with every guy you meet (assuming he appears like a good catch) without taking the time to get to know him first.

 

Isn't spending time together getting to know each other? That's what we did, we spent time together. Three dates public and 1 date home and no sex involved. We could have spread those 4 dates on a month but for what? Would we know each other better having had 4 dates over 1 month? we were both free and enjoying the little bit of time we spent together. And I mean it when I say <little time> Our 3 first dates were only 2 hours each. Grabbing lunch downtown during work isn't over doing it.

 

I get what you are saying though. I may get defensive at times but I hear well what you're saying.

[Toodaloo]

Isn't spending time together getting to know each other? That's what we did, we spent time together. Three dates public and 1 date home and no sex involved. We could have spread those 4 dates on a month but for what?

 

Well at least you got to check out his snogging action in under a month... I may be lucky this weekend but we shall see!!

 

Oh and Gaeta you forgot the 50 yr old virgin who wanted to marry you, loose his virginity and impregnate you on the same day...

 

Have you ever thought of moving to the UK?

 

We have some weirdos here but hands down you beat us all... Perhaps suggest that the local authorities test the water???

 

Chin up chook.

[katiegrl]

You forgot the one that left the country after 6 months with no warning, the the following one who got married to someone else after 3 months :-(

 

 

 

 

Isn't spending time together getting to know each other? That's what we did, we spent time together. Three dates public and 1 date home and no sex involved. We could have spread those 4 dates on a month but for what? Would we know each other better having had 4 dates over 1 month? we were both free and enjoying the little bit of time we spent together. And I mean it when I say <little time> Our 3 first dates were only 2 hours each. Grabbing lunch downtown during work isn't over doing it.

 

I get what you are saying though. I may get defensive at times but I hear well what you're saying.

 

I was just talking about the guys you've met since I have joined this forum (two months), didn't know about the others.

 

Yes dates are a great way to get to know each other. But 4-5 dates in one week is too much, too soon.

 

JMO...

[Gaeta]

Well, I have to consider everything and make a decision. If he wanted to play a game I can think of many better ones than playing 'I suffer from depression'.

 

During our last date he repeated he had taken his pictures down and told all of his previous contacts he met someone he wanted to concentrate on. I confirmed I wished the same and also had taken my pics down. I am not the kind to say something then turn around and do something else.

 

Dating is about taking risks and I am going to take a risk on this one. I am going to keep the status quo for now. Being off line for a while won't hurt me. I might get some spring cleaning done.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I'm a firm believer of 1 date (sometimes 2) per week for the first couple months.

[Gaeta]

I'm a firm believer of 1 date (sometimes 2) per week for the first couple months.

 

Maybe when you are young and playing the field but at my age I know what I want and I have no time to watch the paint dry. I like 2-3 dates per week. They don't have to be long dates and monopolize all of our time. Having lunch on a weekday is a date and it's 1 hour.

[Gaeta]

I'm a firm believer of 1 date (sometimes 2) per week for the first couple months.

 

How does spreading very little dates over 2 months helping you to get to know someone?

[Carm]

Well, I have to consider everything and make a decision. If he wanted to play a game I can think of many better ones than playing 'I suffer from depression'.

 

During our last date he repeated he had taken his pictures down and told all of his previous contacts he met someone he wanted to concentrate on. I confirmed I wished the same and also had taken my pics down. I am not the kind to say something then turn around and do something else.

 

Dating is about taking risks and I am going to take a risk on this one. I am going to keep the status quo for now. Being off line for a while won't hurt me. I might get some spring cleaning done.

 

 

Hi Gaeta,

 

 

Never saw this one coming...i.e. his depression, and him checking himself into a clinic.

 

 

Are you sure you want to hang in there for this guy? Seriously, it's one thing to be with a man and then years later he develops depression but it's another thing all together to begin a relationship with depression. It's like going to a grocery store and intentionally buying a bruised apple. Now, if you already pay for the apple and then it gets bruised on the way home because you dropped it then I understand but why buy the apple already bruised??

 

 

Also, 3-4 dates a week IS a flag!!! I'm the same age as you so you can't blame your "older" age for it being okay. It's not.

[Gaeta]

Hi Gaeta,

 

 

Never saw this one coming...i.e. his depression, and him checking himself into a clinic.

 

 

Are you sure you want to hang in there for this guy? Seriously, it's one thing to be with a man and then years later he develops depression but it's another thing all together to begin a relationship with depression. It's like going to a grocery store and intentionally buying a bruised apple. Now, if you already pay for the apple and then it gets bruised on the way home because you dropped it then I understand but why buy the apple already bruised??

 

 

Also, 3-4 dates a week IS a flag!!! I'm the same age as you so you can't blame your "older" age for it being okay. It's not.

 

Hello Carm,

 

Before I discard it I want to know what exactly I am discarding.

 

There are 9 different types of depression all with different cycles. I would like to know what he is battling. Does he have long cycles and fights bouts of depression every 5 years or it's a short cycle and fights it every other month. Over the phone he told me it usually last a couple of days but now he's bad enough to be admitted.

 

Also, when I told him about my hsv-2 he said to not worry about it ever, it's not an issue for him so I can't turn around and just go sorry buddy even thou you're ok with my issue I won't deal with yours.

[Carm]

Okay, I understand what you are saying but why take a chance unless you are okay with playing Russian Roulette?

 

 

From what I've read you are an attractive 49 year old (like me...lol) so we have options and why settle?

 

 

My gut feeling is this guy isn't being upfront (not about his depression) but other things you've written and I'm not the only one with this gut feeling. Maybe you need to reread everything you've written about this man, step back and see if you can see it objectively.

[Diezel]

How does spreading very little dates over 2 months helping you to get to know someone?

 

And how has 2-3 dates per week been working again?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Hey Gaeta,

 

Yeah, I'd have to agree with some of the members here that 3 - 4 dates a week is um, a bit excessive, don't you think? One to two dates a week is probably enough time to spend with someone in the early phases of dating without overkill, y'know? Maybe after a month or two of dating, then I could see it increasing to 3 to 4 times in a week - but not in the beginning. I mean, I could see where you'd be flattered and see it as him being wayy interested in you...but, I'd see it as a red flag; like, him being clingy or needy or just trying to glomm onto you right away because he's insecure somehow, or afraid of "losing" you.

 

And then, the depression thing? Hmm. I think it's very kind of you to consider dealing with his issue and be willing to accept it. But, are you willing to deal with his issue because he was so accepting of yours (hsv-2)? Remember, your issue is a physiological manifestation that comes and goes and has NOTHING to do with the way you'll behave towards him or act in general...but, HIS issue is psychological and, even if you think it also comes and goes, it really is ALWAYS THERE; it's just that the meds helps him to deal with it better. I think it's a lot for a person to deal with GOING IN to a potential relationship.

 

In the end, this is your decision and yours alone. I hope, whatever you decide, that things turn out well for you. You're a good person, with a good heart...and you deserve happiness, in whoever it happens to be with - so long as this person makes you HAPPY, makes you feel LOVED, RESPECTS you and ADORES you. If you see any more red flags Gaeta, take NOTE of them and react accordingly.

 

 

.

[Gaeta]

Okay, I understand what you are saying but why take a chance unless you are okay with playing Russian Roulette?

 

 

From what I've read you are an attractive 49 year old (like me...lol) so we have options and why settle?

 

 

My gut feeling is this guy isn't being upfront (not about his depression) but other things you've written and I'm not the only one with this gut feeling. Maybe you need to reread everything you've written about this man, step back and see if you can see it objectively.

 

I really don't feel it would be settling. So far I have seen a lovely man, he's engaging, interesting, attentive, expressive, treats me with a lot of respect and consideration and we have great chemistry and he made these dates happen, he organized all of them, he is not just talk.

 

I know we have options but at some point we have to concentrate on someone.

 

But all this is just talk. I agree I don't know him much, he may be hiding things, it's possible, I am not discarding that possibility. I will reread my thread as you suggested.

[Gaeta]

Hey Gaeta,

And then, the depression thing? Hmm. I think it's very kind of you to consider dealing with his issue and be willing to accept it. But, are you willing to deal with his issue because he was so accepting of yours (hsv-2)? Remember, your issue is a physiological manifestation that comes and goes and has NOTHING to do with the way you'll behave towards him or act in general...but, HIS issue is psychological and, even if you think it also comes and goes, it really is ALWAYS THERE; it's just that the meds helps him to deal with it better. I think it's a lot for a person to deal with GOING IN to a potential relationship.

 

In the end, this is your decision and yours alone. I hope, whatever you decide, that things turn out well for you. You're a good person, with a good heart...and you deserve happiness, in whoever it happens to be with - so long as this person makes you HAPPY, makes you feel LOVED, RESPECTS you and ADORES you. If you see any more red flags Gaeta, take NOTE of them and react accordingly.

 

Both very good points and food for thoughts, thank you.

[Emilia]

Maybe when you are young and playing the field but at my age I know what I want and I have no time to watch the paint dry. I like 2-3 dates per week. They don't have to be long dates and monopolize all of our time. Having lunch on a weekday is a date and it's 1 hour.

Age doesn't necessarily make anyone wiser. It still takes time to get to know the other person. The rose-tinted honeymoon period still exists because it takes a while for people's true colours to shine through. The only thing you achieve by spending so much time together so soon is that you get hooked faster by the wrong guy because of the false sense of intimacy.

 

Pacing yourself in dating is to allow a natural ebb and flow of getting to know and relating to each other, especially as you date complete strangers from the Internet.

 

Also I have to say, like attracts like. By jumping into the middle of things with seemingly any guy attracts the type of guys that are also a 'jump in fast, get out fast' type. These things aren't destined to last.

[Gaeta]

You guys are hard on me.

 

We went on 4 dates of which 3 were short and public, and one home date no sex.

 

Nothing emotionally weird was said like 'I see you and I getting married' type of things.

 

No one got overboard or on-board with feelings.

 

Just 2 adults in their 40s enjoying each other's company in restaurants and one cooked meal.

 

You don't create a sense of intimacy over a 2 hour brunch and a 1 hour lunch.

 

A feeling of intimacy was created during our last date at my place because it lasted 7 hours. It was our 4th date and I think at that point it's normal to start feeling some familiarity with someone.

 

If our relationship had gone on the dates would have slowed down to a more reasonable cadence. We all have laundry and dirty dishes to get to at some point.

[Rejected Rosebud]

But I don't think there is any way this guy can be close to ready to start a new relationship if he is depressed enough to go to an inpatient clinic, that is really serious, and all the other stuff, what is he running away from do you think?? Srsly. If he is in a hospital for depression he has a long way to come to be a good boyfriend or whatever for anyone!!!

[gaius]

Depressive people can often be the most manipulative, so I still think he's making up that stuff, but you seem to be handling it just fine if you don't agree.

[oldshirt]

As I stated earlier in the thread, dating is to get to know each other.

 

 

You have been getting to know him and now you are finding out he is a nutcase.