How often do women settle for someone they aren't attracted to

[edgygirl]

I guess it depends on the woman.

 

For me - I need to feel appreciated, loved, cherished, respected, have trust in my partner, I'd like him to be my friend, know he has my best interest always, and yes, some affection would be good although I prefer rational guys and they're not known for being affectionate.

 

Chick flicks and gossip, meh - I hate both

 

Many men even before marriage don't provide these basic needs. Many men specially after marriage think they don't have to make the effort to. That's why women leave, in my opinion. I would.

 

I confess I also like to hear words of affirmation as per the famous 5 Love Languages as well as quality time: Understanding the Five Love Languages | Focus on the Family

 

I guess what one needs to receive depends on the each individual.

 

May i ask what you mean by emotional needs? Are you talking about affection or watching chick flicks, gossiping, doing things you like doing but he doesn't?

[jay1983]

It matters in the 30s and 40s. The issue is that some but certainly not all women have their own version of a Madonna/whore complex. They can't view a stable and faithful guy who treats her well as also being somebody who gets her wet and knocks her socks off. There is a strict separation between hot lover and husband material but they know logically that if they want to have a family they need to pick husband material. The problem is he never really turns her on like the players and after a few years or maybe sure she can't take it anymore and needs passion again.

 

The key to marital happiness for a man is finding a woman who doesn't have this separation in her head and is fully capable of having hot lover and faithful husband exist in the same man.

 

This is what I meant when I asked if the bad boy, nice guy thing was black and white. Only thing that does it is jax from sons of anarchy or some guy from a magazine cover. Everybody else is some sweet, spineless, unattractive guy with glasses, who let's women walk all over him.

 

That's not reality.

[autumnnight]

I never said it didn't. I'm simply saying that demanding we respect all women is ludicrous. Not all of them are deserving of it and do nothing to merit or earn our respect.

 

I think the underlying problem is when we put words in other people's mouths. I have never demanded respect for all women. Heck, I sadly know quite a few women who don't deserve a speck of respect. And as far as my "disdain" for men, that is almost laughable. When I make a statement about men who don't like women, I always make it clear to an objective reader that I am only referring to some men. Let's be candid, I am referring to about a half a dozen men on the internet, because no men I know in real life think most of the female population is out to ruin their lives.

 

I think wanting to be single rather than be settled before is wise. I wish I had been smart enough to figure that out before I married someone who just "needed a wife." That is not the problem. The problem is I read threads like this and the 100 others just like it and it makes it sound like we women are a bunch of heartless soul-suckers with slutty pasts who want a wallet with a penis - actually we don't want the penis because none of us will be having sex after the wedding anyway.

 

It gets a bit offensive after awhile.

 

I agree that men get a raw deal too. Young women are becoming more and more like entitled princesses, too many women become frigid mommies who forget what sex is after the baby comes, and then if a divorce happens the courts still favor the mom in custody and finances. Then you have the radical feminists who have sought to castrate and neuter an entire generation of men, and no wonder it is frustrating.

 

But I think a lot of this handful of sad men are focusing on the wrong issue. They keep focusing on how to avoid the big bad slut out to get them, when their own attitudes are what is getting in their way.

 

And a man is not a woman. I AM a woman. Don't be telling me how I think when you aren't me.

[toolforgrowth]

Then when the woman is unhappy and wants out, they think she's an evil crazy person or that she is not physically attracted anymore as many said here, because she "settled".

 

My xWW flat out told me she settled for me in the midst of her affair. Do I think some of that could be attributed to affair fog? Maybe. Especially once her A blew up, she was throwing her lure back into my pond. lol But could there have been some truth to that?

 

I think so.

 

I guess I should also clarify on meeting emotional needs. I fully understand that one expects their partner to have their back. I don't find that unreasonable. What I do find unreasonable is for a person to expect their partner to make them happy when they are unhappy. That is just impossible and places far too much of a burden on their partner.

 

I think my xWW expected me to make her life everything she ever wanted without taking any responsibility for herself in that department. I simply couldn't do it. Nobody could. Which is why her new marriage (her third at the tender age of 32) will also fail. And the next, rinse, repeat. She has done nothing to fix her issues, as her behavior to this day continues to attest.

 

Women love to bash men for thinking that men settle for them, when the reality is, that's exactly what happened in my case. I was literally told I was settled for. Whether or not I/we choose to believe her is another matter, but that doesn't negate the fact that's what I was told. It is a very real possibility for men, and a very rational fear.

[autumnnight]

My xWW flat out told me she settled for me in the midst of her affair. Do I think some of that could be attributed to affair fog? Maybe. Especially once her A blew up, she was throwing her lure back into my pond. lol But could there have been some truth to that?

 

I think so.

 

I guess I should also clarify on meeting emotional needs. I fully understand that one expects their partner to have their back. I don't find that unreasonable. What I do find unreasonable is for a person to expect their partner to make them happy when they are unhappy. That is just impossible and places far too much of a burden on their partner.

 

I think my xWW expected me to make her life everything she ever wanted without taking any responsibility for herself in that department. I simply couldn't do it. Nobody could. Which is why her new marriage (her third at the tender age of 32) will also fail. And the next, rinse, repeat. She has done nothing to fix her issues, as her behavior to this day continues to attest.

 

Women love to bash men for thinking that men settle for them, when the reality is, that's exactly what happened in my case. I was literally told I was settled for. Whether or not I/we choose to believe her is another matter, but that doesn't negate the fact that's what I was told. It is a very real possibility for men, and a very rational fear.

 

I know this had to be painful, but I appreciate you sharing. It explains why you feel the way you do about us, and it is understandable. I am so sorry that your wife did such a crappy thing.

[edgygirl]

Sorry you went through this.

 

I have to tell you one thing - a lot of us know what to say to hurt a partner. Saying they settled when in a fight is one of the most hurtful things someone can say. While it might be true in your case, you should not believe 100% that she meant it. She probably just wanted to hurt you. I honestly don't think most women would settle. Specially not a woman under 30 as your ex.

 

I prefer to die alone than settle for someone I don't love and I am older.

 

My xWW flat out told me she settled for me in the midst of her affair. Do I think some of that could be attributed to affair fog? Maybe. Especially once her A blew up, she was throwing her lure back into my pond. lol But could there have been some truth to that?

 

I think so.

 

I guess I should also clarify on meeting emotional needs. I fully understand that one expects their partner to have their back. I don't find that unreasonable. What I do find unreasonable is for a person to expect their partner to make them happy when they are unhappy. That is just impossible and places far too much of a burden on their partner.

 

I think my xWW expected me to make her life everything she ever wanted without taking any responsibility for herself in that department. I simply couldn't do it. Nobody could. Which is why her new marriage (her third at the tender age of 32) will also fail. And the next, rinse, repeat. She has done nothing to fix her issues, as her behavior to this day continues to attest.

 

Women love to bash men for thinking that men settle for them, when the reality is, that's exactly what happened in my case. I was literally told I was settled for. Whether or not I/we choose to believe her is another matter, but that doesn't negate the fact that's what I was told. It is a very real possibility for men, and a very rational fear.

[toolforgrowth]

I think the underlying problem is when we put words in other people's mouths. I have never demanded respect for all women. Heck, I sadly know quite a few women who don't deserve a speck of respect. And as far as my "disdain" for men, that is almost laughable. When I make a statement about men who don't like women, I always make it clear to an objective reader that I am only referring to some men. Let's be candid, I am referring to about a half a dozen men on the internet, because no men I know in real life think most of the female population is out to ruin their lives.

 

I think wanting to be single rather than be settled before is wise. I wish I had been smart enough to figure that out before I married someone who just "needed a wife." That is not the problem. The problem is I read threads like this and the 100 others just like it and it makes it sound like we women are a bunch of heartless soul-suckers with slutty pasts who want a wallet with a penis - actually we don't want the penis because none of us will be having sex after the wedding anyway.

 

It gets a bit offensive after awhile.

 

I agree that men get a raw deal too. Young women are becoming more and more like entitled princesses, too many women become frigid mommies who forget what sex is after the baby comes, and then if a divorce happens the courts still favor the mom in custody and finances. Then you have the radical feminists who have sought to castrate and neuter an entire generation of men, and no wonder it is frustrating.

 

But I think a lot of this handful of sad men are focusing on the wrong issue. They keep focusing on how to avoid the big bad slut out to get them, when their own attitudes are what is getting in their way.

 

And a man is not a woman. I AM a woman. Don't be telling me how I think when you aren't me.

 

I never once told you how you think. I simply stated what I think based on my experiences with women.

 

I think they're focusing on the exact issue. Not all women are entitled princesses, but a good number of them are. You're not the ones dating/marrying them...we are.

 

Not only that, our society has become far too gynocentric. A man can't even express legitimate complaints about women without being branded a misogynist. It's ridiculous.

 

I will never marry again. Never. I will protect myself, my money, and my assets, by refusing to sign a bad contract. You may accuse me of having a bad attitude. That is your opinion, and you would be entitled to it. But my house was literally cleaned out by a cheating wife who got the majority of time with my daughter and $400/month from me in child support who told me she settled for me. This is men's reality in today's world. I am literally the poster child for this thread. Is it any wonder men view women with distrust and skepticism?

 

I am in no way saying that you are lumped into that category, so you have no justification to take offense to that statement. But this is a very real threat to men today. And men who choose to no longer participate are ridiculed. I reached the point long ago where I said, "Okay. Ridicule me all you want. It's not going to change my mind, and I simply don't care what you think."

 

I'm grateful that you are able to recognize that there are bad women out there. And I'm REALLY grateful you can recognize that feminism has done a number on young men in our society today (seriously, don't even get me freakin started). But talk is cheap; would you take action against it?

[autumnnight]

I'm grateful that you are able to recognize that there are bad women out there. And I'm REALLY grateful you can recognize that feminism has done a number on young men in our society today (seriously, don't even get me freakin started). But talk is cheap; would you take action against it?

 

I won't post specifics on a forum, but I can assure you I have taken action against it and will continue to do so.

 

We are all influenced by our own experiences. I married someone who, while he didn't necessarily "settle" for me, just wanted "a wife" who was sweet and naive and didn't seem very sexual. Then after recovering enough from the end of my marriage to date and open up, I wasted/spent 2 years with someone who ended up cheating on me, and while he said he'd never marry again....he's going to do exactly that with someone else. So right now I feel like the "she'll do in a pinch" and the "she'll hold the place till the real woman comes along" all rolled into one. And so for some reason anything that seems anti women probably feels irrationally anti-autumn right now.

[toolforgrowth]

I know this had to be painful, but I appreciate you sharing. It explains why you feel the way you do about us, and it is understandable. I am so sorry that your wife did such a crappy thing.

 

Sorry you went through this.

 

I have to tell you one thing - a lot of us know what to say to hurt a partner. Saying they settled when in a fight is one of the most hurtful things someone can say. While it might be true in your case, you should not believe 100% that she meant it. She probably just wanted to hurt you. I honestly don't think most women would settle. Specially not a woman under 30 as your ex.

 

I prefer to die alone than settle for someone I don't love and I am older.

 

Thank you both for your kind words.

 

I don't think either of you are bad women. Personally, I tend to think that most of the women who take the time to come to a relationship forum are invested in their relationships...otherwise, why would they bother coming here?

 

I just wanted to illustrate that this sort of thing does actually happen and that it's not just hyperbole.

[toolforgrowth]

I won't post specifics on a forum, but I can assure you I have taken action against it and will continue to do so.

 

We are all influenced by our own experiences. I married someone who, while he didn't necessarily "settle" for me, just wanted "a wife" who was sweet and naive and didn't seem very sexual. Then after recovering enough from the end of my marriage to date and open up, I wasted/spent 2 years with someone who ended up cheating on me, and while he said he'd never marry again....he's going to do exactly that with someone else. So right now I feel like the "she'll do in a pinch" and the "she'll hold the place till the real woman comes along" all rolled into one. And so for some reason anything that seems anti women probably feels irrationally anti-autumn right now.

 

Ouch. I'm really sorry you went through that.

 

I've always liked your posts, autumn. I may not always agree with you, but you speak from your heart. That's something that I do indeed respect.

[ascendotum]

I don't really understand why you think a woman would sign up to spend her whole life with you, have your babies, take care of you when you're sick, contribute her resources to create a good home, just for "security" or a "safe bet"? Guess what that is highly unlikely, nobody I know would do that, it sounds like a hellish nightmare of a way to waste your life!!! We can provide for ourselves thank you very much, if we chose to spend our lifes with a man you better believe it is going to be one we want very much!!!

 

Like a few others have said the settling seems to occur after 30, though I did see a bunch of overweight men & women I knew get engaged just before 30, and I suspected both or some of the guys anyway (from convos I had with them), were wishing someone sexier was going to come along, but were scared to get past 30 single. Most of them have had good marriages though.

 

If a 36 yrs old woman settles for the nice safe caring provider guy, its not really a case of having to spend her whole life with him. Her peak health & beauty & fun loving years were the last 20 which she enjoyed with a bunch of other bfs,flings, fwbs or ons and kid free (if she had none). Really the majority of the future relationship for them is going to be spent in middle and old age, were devotion and ability to provide a comfy life counts far more than lust/desire. While a number of women & men here just hate the thought of settling I think a lot of people in their 30s get desperate and pragmatic and do. Maturing is a factor when it comes to women choosing a a safe bet good provider guy in their 30s (and they dated totally different up till then) but I don't totally buy it in many cases.

 

With what you list its not a one way street either if she is marrying a nice caring slightly desperate guy. He will be taking care of her when you're sick, or trying to please her when she is moody, also trying to create a good home, working fulltime while she becomes a SAHM or even winds down her work hrs, he provides a nice house & possessions, and takes her out and away for holidays. An independent well paid career woman, might not care about the $ side of things or be desperate to be a couple to give her life more meaning, but lots of other less accomplished women do.

[jay1983]

I guess it depends on the woman.

 

For me - I need to feel appreciated, loved, cherished, respected, have trust in my partner, I'd like him to be my friend, know he has my best interest always, and yes, some affection would be good although I prefer rational guys and they're not known for being affectionate.

 

Chick flicks and gossip, meh - I hate both

 

Many men even before marriage don't provide these basic needs. Many men specially after marriage think they don't have to make the effort to. That's why women leave, in my opinion. I would.

 

I confess I also like to hear words of affirmation as per the famous 5 Love Languages as well as quality time: Understanding the Five Love Languages | Focus on the Family

 

I guess what one needs to receive depends on the each individual.

I don't mean to thread jack, but you give examples? What's looking out for your best interests?

[jay1983]

Like a few others have said the settling seems to occur after 30, though I did see a bunch of overweight men & women I knew get engaged just before 30, and I suspected both or some of the guys anyway (from convos I had with them), were wishing someone sexier was going to come along, but were scared to get past 30 single. Most of them have had good marriages though.

 

If a 36 yrs old woman settles for the nice safe caring provider guy, its not really a case of having to spend her whole life with him. Her peak health & beauty & fun loving years were the last 20 which she enjoyed with a bunch of other bfs,flings, fwbs or ons and kid free (if she had none). Really the majority of the future relationship for them is going to be spent in middle and old age, were devotion and ability to provide a comfy life counts far more than lust/desire. While a number of women & men here just hate the thought of settling I think a lot of people in their 30s get desperate and pragmatic and do. Maturing is a factor when it comes to women choosing a a safe bet good provider guy in their 30s (and they dated totally different up till then) but I don't totally buy it in many cases.

 

With what you list its not a one way street either if she is marrying a nice caring slightly desperate guy. He will be taking care of her when you're sick, or trying to please her when she is moody, also trying to create a good home, working fulltime while she becomes a SAHM or even winds down her work hrs, he provides a nice house & possessions, and takes her out and away for holidays. An independent well paid career woman, might not care about the $ side of things or be desperate to be a couple to give her life more meaning, but lots of other less accomplished women do.

 

Well I know one couple like that. I guess they fit the description, overweight women, 2 kids, 2 baby daddies, guy she's only with because his money and willingness to be with her, so she hits on me and other guys every chance she gets. But this isn't really the nice nerdy type, he's more like........... I'm not gonna get into that, but these people are really screwed up, I don't consider them normal.

[autumnnight]

Ouch. I'm really sorry you went through that.

 

I've always liked your posts, autumn. I may not always agree with you, but you speak from your heart. That's something that I do indeed respect.

 

Sadly, sometimes I speak from my pain or emotion of the moment.

 

When it all calms down I see that men and women in a lot of ways are dealing with 2 sides of the same coin.

 

The desire for love that is authentic and someone we can trust, and the fear that if we open ourselves up to it we will get really hurt.

[edgygirl]

Basically someone who does things not having only their best interest in mind, but of their partner too. Making choices in life that take into account the person's feelings and short/long term interests (or that of the family). Being selfless.

 

For example, thinking about your partners feelings. Care about how your behavior might affect him or her. It can be something as big as making work & life decisions that take into consideration how it will affect your partner and the relationship, or it can be something as little as not diminishing them in front of other people even jokingly / sarcastically and considering their emotions.

 

For me it's about having your partner's feelings and goals in mind.

 

Of course it should go both ways.

 

I don't mean to thread jack, but you give examples? What's looking out for your best interests?

[xxoo]

.

 

If a 36 yrs old woman settles for the nice safe caring provider guy, its not really a case of having to spend her whole life with him. Her peak health & beauty & fun loving years were the last 20 which she enjoyed with a bunch of other bfs,flings, fwbs or ons and kid free (if she had none). Really the majority of the future relationship for them is going to be spent in middle and old age, were devotion and ability to provide a comfy life counts far more than lust/desire. While a number of women & men here just hate the thought of settling I think a lot of people in their 30s get desperate and pragmatic and do. Maturing is a factor when it comes to women choosing a a safe bet good provider guy in their 30s (and they dated totally different up till then) but I don't totally buy it in many cases.

 

Women in their mid 30s are hitting their sexual prime. This is not a time when many feel their sex lives are behind them.

 

But they may easily be more aroused by the man who is ideal father and husband material at this point. Father and husband material is HOT

 

It really shouldn't be difficult to know if a woman is genuinely attracted. It should be very obvious.

[ascendotum]

It really shouldn't be difficult to know if a woman is genuinely attracted. It should be very obvious.

I think so to. I have picked it up in my past relationships and looked on at others where I could see this dynamic play out. Some guys that did not do well in their 20s are desperate though, while their gfs don't have that same mindset as they were able to pick up fairly easy (if they wanted) and have had guys flirting and hitting on them (not that they were hot) for most of their life. My friends that got hit with this, were a bit desperate and they were happy to have a gf (and start a family soon) that that they found attractive and so from their perspective they were happy (early on)..definitely happier than the woman imo, and did not want to face up to her level of passion or would try harder to make her happy. They were blindsided to a degree though in that it became more obvious soon after marriage/baby/big house buy.

 

Women can definitely be settled for to, and I guess in quite a few relationships it could be equal in that regard. I just feel there are more desperate men out there for the reason I touched on above.

[jay1983]

Women in their mid 30s are hitting their sexual prime. This is not a time when many feel their sex lives are behind them.

 

But they may easily be more aroused by the man who is ideal father and husband material at this point. Father and husband material is HOT

 

It really shouldn't be difficult to know if a woman is genuinely attracted. It should be very obvious.

 

In my experience, it's instant. I can tell within the first 10 secs if she's interested just by the way she looks at me and responds when I speak to her.

[calvincline47]

It really shouldn't be difficult to know if a woman is genuinely attracted. It should be very obvious.

 

It depends on the person. I have no idea when a woman is genuinely attracted to me. I find that many women (not all) play hard-to-get and it really isn't all that obvious.

 

I've had women interested in me that displayed no obvious signs (at least not obvious to me) and I've had women not interested in me that displayed many seemingly obvious signs.

 

Most women won't come straight out and ask the guy out. They send very subtle signals that can easily be missed.

[No Limit]

I wouldn't do it, never ever. There's a guy who has been crushing on me for maybe years now, and he doesn't look bad either physically - but his world is made of alcohol and nothing else. It's like he's stuck in that age where he is finally able to legally buy beer and boasts about it to everyone a year younger than him.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If a 36 yrs old woman settles for the nice safe caring provider guy, its not really a case of having to spend her whole life with him. Her peak health & beauty & fun loving years were the last 20 which she enjoyed with a bunch of other bfs,flings, fwbs or ons and kid free (if she had none). Really the majority of the future relationship for them is going to be spent in middle and old age, were devotion and ability to provide a comfy life counts far more than lust/desire.

Isn't that normal though, what about the idea of "sowing wild oats" before settling down, I've heard of that all my life!! It's just okay for women not just for men now!!

[GoodOnPaper]

Isn't that normal though, what about the idea of "sowing wild oats" before settling down, I've heard of that all my life!! It's just okay for women not just for men now!!

 

Don't forget that this is LS, where there is a high concentration of men who have struggled to attract women. The working assumption is that the typical "nice safe caring provider guy" had little or no opportunity to sow any wild oats -- that was certainly true for me -- while the typical woman can have casual flings whenever she wants.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Don't forget that this is LS, where there is a high concentration of men who have struggled to attract women. The working assumption is that the typical "nice safe caring provider guy" had little or no opportunity to sow any wild oats -- that was certainly true for me -- while the typical woman can have casual flings whenever she wants.

OK I can understand that. It doesn't mean that the women are "settling" for them if they choose him later in life though.

[xxoo]

It depends on the person. I have no idea when a woman is genuinely attracted to me. I find that many women (not all) play hard-to-get and it really isn't all that obvious.

 

I've had women interested in me that displayed no obvious signs (at least not obvious to me) and I've had women not interested in me that displayed many seemingly obvious signs.

 

Most women won't come straight out and ask the guy out. They send very subtle signals that can easily be missed.

 

I understand having trouble seeing signs of attraction before dating. But when dating, especially seriously dating, it should be quite obvious if she's sexually attracted. If she's climbing your leg and flushed and her heart is racing, she's attracted! If she seems more interested in "giving" sex than "getting" sex, she may be into you for reasons other than genuine attraction.

[Bobbi7]

There is no way in hell I'm going to just settle just because some guy is interested in me and if I have no interest in him physically! No way man! I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life if I did that. Yuck!!! Maybe for women they just settle because they are desperate. Men have options aka they can date younger women.