SummerDreams Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I wouldn't want my husband to say I'm "not the most attractive" and that would, in turn, make me worry that he'd be looking around for something more so. Well that's the detail that makes the difference: if I had chosen a man so wisely and rationally, that'd mean he would not be a womanizer who would cheat after X years. Not cause of his mediocre looks (if he'd be not so handsome), but cause he'd love and respect me and honor our marriage. I would not be disappointed or hurt if my husband would admit that he chose me for my good personality rather than my looks, firstly cause I know I'm not a model and I don't care to be and secondly cause I've tried all these years to create a good character and be a good person rather than a beautiful woman who will make men choose her only for that. So I think that women should be cognizant of the fact that even as they think they're paying a man a compliment by saying they chose him not for his looks but for his steady and trustworthy nature, he's not necessarily hearing it that way. Then this man who doesn't hear it that way and doesn't appreciate this compliment and respect me for my wise thinking that is far from shallow and superficial is simply not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I've not seen anyone on this thread make that assumption. My friend didn't pick her SO because he's not very attractive, she picked him because he was a really good guy regardless of his physical appearance. I can't say for sure but knowing her, she wouldn't think he'd never cheat just because he's not the most handsome man. He wouldn't cheat because he's a good guy, and that's why she's with him because she didn't want to repeat previous mistakes, she recognises it herself and is very open about it. She is also absolutely gorgeous herself and would never cheat. It's not really about potential for cheating, it's just about wanting to be lusted after for the way you look. I totally get it, I don't think it's about ego at all and there's nothing wrong with that, no more than there's anything wrong with not caring about somebody's level of physical attractiveness. It's not because it doesn't matter to you that it shouldn't matter at all to anyone, IMO. Re: the bolded - you misunderstood; I have indeed seen, in this thread and others, the assumption that a woman who isn't attracted to her man will cheat on him. That is what I meant. And yes, as I also said, I can understand wanting to be lusted after for the way you look. That, as I said, is the ego aspect of it. So I believe I also made that point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Well that's the detail that makes the difference: if I had chosen a man so wisely and rationally, that'd mean he would not be a womanizer who would cheat after X years. Not cause of his mediocre looks (if he'd be not so handsome), but cause he'd love and respect me and honor our marriage. I would not be disappointed or hurt if my husband would admit that he chose me for my good personality rather than my looks, firstly cause I know I'm not a model and I don't care to be and secondly cause I've tried all these years to create a good character and be a good person rather than a beautiful woman who will make men choose her only for that. Then this man who doesn't hear it that way and doesn't appreciate this compliment and respect me for my wise thinking that is far from shallow and superficial is simply not for me. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. The insurance about cheating that I was referring to isn't that the man wouldn't cheat; it's that the woman wouldn't. There have been a few men who have expressed fears that a woman who doesn't find her partner attractive enough will cheat on him. As to your second point - fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I've not seen anyone on this thread make that assumption. Perhaps not on this thread, but the "she only settled for me" often comes with the addenda "... and if she gets the opportunity to be with some "bad boy" (I.E. the man ALL women secretly want), then she will go off with him" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Hmm well Beauty isn't always on the outside Physical Attraction is important, but a Woman who has a beautiful personality is what sets them apart from all the other attractive Women out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Re: the bolded - you misunderstood; I have indeed seen, in this thread and others, the assumption that a woman who isn't attracted to her man will cheat on him. That is what I meant. And yes, as I also said, I can understand wanting to be lusted after for the way you look. That, as I said, is the ego aspect of it. So I believe I also made that point. I'm very new to this forum so apologies if I was meant to know what your opinion on this is in general but I've just read this thread again and can't see anyone making that assumption. Re: the bolded. I know that's your point. I just don't think it's anymore to do with ego than anyone wanting to be recognised for their intelligence, empathy, sporting abilities or whatever is important to them. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Perhaps not on this thread, but the "she only settled for me" often comes with the addenda "... and if she gets the opportunity to be with some "bad boy" (I.E. the man ALL women secretly want), then she will go off with him" Fair enough. This type of thread is new to me though, and I didn't get the vibe it was the case for this particular one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 It's not necessarily an either/or thing, but what's more difficult to obtain or achieve. Being all the great things outside the bedroom is easy but it doesn't mean much -- or we feel foolish or taken advantage of -- if the intimacy is mediocre. The most desirable guys are thought of as sex objects first. Why wouldn't any guy in an LTR want to experience a little of that from his partner? But, I think those of us who struggle are deemed relationship guys first and women mistakenly assume that sex and intimacy are not as important to us as they are for said desirable guys. Your assumption here seems to be, that "most" women do not value sex or intimacy, like men do and that the "not so hot" guy is there merely to make up the numbers, as opposed to being "hot" in his own right to the woman involved. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 While I believe it happens increasingly rarely, I can describe examples from when I was international dating, mainly in Russia and Ukraine back after Communism ended, where women, wanting a better life for themselves and their children, would settle for someone they weren't attracted to, all else being equal, to get away from their environment and into a safer and more advantageous one. Sure, they might love the guy and appreciate him and treat him well but, with the elemental attraction missing or being thought out rather than felt, the slippery slope of a sideways shift, into another man who, now with her being in a sea of similarly situated men and safe and comparatively prosperous, flipped on that attraction switch and she'd be gone leaving the apparent loving husband in the lurch. I could see that as a possibility which could have occurred in a couple of my situations, though I never married or K1'd a FSU lady so can't know for sure. Later, my exW would teach me about 'masking', where someone fakes attraction or desire or love for their own reasons. Having had therapy and having been raped, she had to process a lot of stuff out and apparently did examine these kinds of behaviors in herself and thought them important enough to communicate about. Practically speaking though, these kinds of experiences are generally outlier to the norms, especially in my particular demographic, so IMO 'how often' is 'seldom' to 'rarely'. The factors and psychologies simply don't occur that often, at least where I live and in the present time. I would say my dating and relationship experiences line up perfectly with that. Had any particular woman 'settled' and remained with me for life without feeling attraction and desire, perhaps I'd have a different opinion. As it was, they all exercised free will and did what they did for reasons and feelings only they know. They're all gone so no one settled. Life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Your assumption here seems to be, that "most" women do not value sex or intimacy, like men do and that the "not so hot" guy is there merely to make up the numbers, as opposed to being "hot" in his own right to the woman involved. Not necessarily, I just think it's easy to assume that with guys like me, the sex part will take care of itself. Since I haven't received much attention from women, I should be easy to please. Since I am a "safe" guy, I won't push a woman out of her comfort zone in regards to her sexual attitudes. Etc. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Not necessarily, I just think it's easy to assume that with guys like me, the sex part will take care of itself. Since I haven't received much attention from women, I should be easy to please. Since I am a "safe" guy, I won't push a woman out of her comfort zone in regards to her sexual attitudes. Etc. You may have something there, I never thought of it in that way before. I suppose though everyone is entitled to their preferences and if that IS the case then she is simply going for the man that she thinks will suit her best. I suppose any real sexual incompatibility should perhaps be worked out before marriage. "Cosy" sex before marriage is unlikely to turn into mind blowing stuff after. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Its like this woman who wants to now get married is choosing something different from what she would in the past, 'a not so handsome guy'. The not so handsome guy is now a viable option when it comes time for marriage. There has been a shift in priorities now she is older from handsome to a guy that inspires lower desire aesthetically now because his & hers looks are going to fade soon, so now put more emphasis on other aspects that will suit for old age. This is what I can't get - why is a woman's shift in priorities considered "settling"? Do you consider a man who "sowed his wild oats" with a few hot flashy wild girls in his youth and then chooses a woman with different characteristics to marry and raise his family with to have "settled"??? 1 Corinthians 13:11King James Version (KJV) 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. The priority of HOT is childish to me whether you are a man or a woman. Growing up and putting away childish things is not "settling" really it's not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I just wanted to add that I am in love with my fiance and the feeling of loving him is hand in hand with desiring him FOR ME, a "hot" guy from my past is not any part of my relationship, I know my guy is confident in this too. So it's completely possible!! but if he was consumed with worry and insecurity because of the "hot" guy from my past and constantly comparing himself with him or feeling sure that I was the relationship would be totally doomed!!! So I guess the thing to do for all the guys who are preoccupied with being the SETTLE GUY is to work on your OWN self esteem so you can have the self assurance to recognize a woman who loves you for who you are!! Even a virgin girl is likely to have had a first love who isn't you, you will have to be able to handle that!! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Even a virgin girl is likely to have had a first love who isn't you, you will have to be able to handle that!! It may explain the desire for some to marry their high school sweetheart, and the devastation that often follows when she goes off to pursue greener grass in her mid twenties. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. The insurance about cheating that I was referring to isn't that the man wouldn't cheat; it's that the woman wouldn't. There have been a few men who have expressed fears that a woman who doesn't find her partner attractive enough will cheat on him. As to your second point - fair enough. It's exactly the same thing. If I don't mind enough if my husband is good looking in order to marry him, do you think I'd jeopardise and cheat on this very person I very rationally and intentionally picked to have a family with, only to cheat with a random good looking man? I think that when you get older you become more mature. So since I had the maturity at my 30s to choose wisely and concentrate more on a man's personality, do you think I'd ever turn against my own choice and ruin all this just for the looks of a stranger? It doesn't make sense. If a woman picks a man because he is a good person, all this man has to do to keep her and make sure this woman will never cheat will be to .... remain a good person throughout the marriage. A woman who married a "not so handsome" man cause he is a good person has already proven she doesn't care about looks, not now, not never. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Not necessarily, I just think it's easy to assume that with guys like me, the sex part will take care of itself. Since I haven't received much attention from women, I should be easy to please. Since I am a "safe" guy, I won't push a woman out of her comfort zone in regards to her sexual attitudes. Etc. Easy is as easy does. Most women want her man to bring out the tigress in her. If you're the "easy to please guy", that's who you are. That's not what she necessarily hungered for, true. So why be it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I am serious. What does a woman really bring to the table besides her ability to reproduce (especially in today's world)? I've never understand this question. What exactly do you want her to bring to the table? Do you seriously not enjoy the company of women when there's no sex involved? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 This is what I can't get - why is a woman's shift in priorities considered "settling"? Do you consider a man who "sowed his wild oats" with a few hot flashy wild girls in his youth and then chooses a woman with different characteristics to marry and raise his family with to have "settled"??? The priority of HOT is childish to me whether you are a man or a woman. Growing up and putting away childish things is not "settling" really it's not. If by their own admission they are settling then surely they are settling. Some people settle; it's not good or bad in itself if both parties are happy with the situation, it just happens. Maybe those who, like my friend, openly admit it are more honest with themselves and with their partners than others. I also can't see why someone wanting a 'hot' partner (to them) or wanting to be considered 'hot' by their partner is childish. Are those who are attracted by 'intelligence' (which also means different things to different people) considered arrogant or close-minded? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I've never understand this question. What exactly do you want her to bring to the table? Do you seriously not enjoy the company of women when there's no sex involved? I never understand it either, so I'm glad you said this. I also wonder about the "especially in today's world" thinking. Calvin, Things are not so different as before. Every generation for centuries has had some people bemoaning the decline of civilization and the unprecedented difficulty in living during the times they live in. but there are and always have been people who live and thrive in whatever circumstances they encounter. So be that way and you'll be more successful and happier. If you don't think there's any value to having a GF or wife, then don't have a GF or wife. That's freedom- to choose whatever you wish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I never understand it either, so I'm glad you said this. I also wonder about the "especially in today's world" thinking. Calvin, Things are not so different as before. Every generation for centuries has had some people bemoaning the decline of civilization and the unprecedented difficulty in living during the times they live in. but there are and always have been people who live and thrive in whatever circumstances they encounter. So be that way and you'll be more successful and happier. If you don't think there's any value to having a GF or wife, then don't have a GF or wife. That's freedom- to choose whatever you wish. I say bring a 6 pack and pizza, lay them down and say there you go! lol Nah, humor aside, good comment. Link to post Share on other sites
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