edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Haven't read all posts but I don't think that's how it happens. I think we care a LOT about looks in our 20s. Quite a lot in our 30s. Then later we realize there are more important things to a relationship. I changed my mindset totally - I honestly kind of avoid men who are too hot these days, I prefer a cute guy who has a fantastic brain. I think the hottest (within my religion/cultural background) man on the dating site wrote me this week and I am kind of turned off by his looks. I can notice he doesn't make the effort to be nice or intelligent... he doesn't have to, as women probably fall on him. I don't like that kind of guy anymore. So OP asks if women settle? Some probably do, but the way I see it is that we change over the years and realize that attraction is composed by much more than physical appearance. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Haven't read all posts but I don't think that's how it happens. I think we care a LOT about looks in our 20s. Quite a lot in our 30s. Then later we realize there are more important things to a relationship. I changed my mindset totally - I honestly kind of avoid men who are too hot these days, I prefer a cute guy who has a fantastic brain. I think the hottest (within my religion/cultural background) man on the dating site wrote me this week and I am kind of turned off by his looks. I can notice he doesn't make the effort to be nice or intelligent... he doesn't have to, as women probably fall on him. I don't like that kind of guy anymore. So OP asks if women settle? Some probably do, but the way I see it is that we change over the years and realize that attraction is composed by much more than physical appearance. And that's what a lot of guys don't want. They don't want to be with the woman that wouldn't have given them the time of day in the past. Who the hell wants to just be the safe bet because you would be a good dad or can provide. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 That's why I haven't posted on here much lately. It's the same threads over & over. And I'm tired of reading of all the depressing & ridiculous stories of people's relationships all the time. It's way too negative for the mind to do so. This forum is heavily slanted by peoples' experiences with online dating. Understandable, it's an online forum. But it's important to note due to the frequent disconnect with reality. I guess she is well aware of her position in the pecking order, and so her comment is a moot point and said merely in jest. She wasn't joking. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Who said that? Who said provider or safe bet? I meant I realize there are things more important than looks as in: brains, mental compatibility, kindness, integrity. For me those things are much more important than a hot look. MUCH more. As I said, a super hot guy wrote me and I'm like... meh. It's obvious he is not that interesting personality wise nor he makes the effort to be. Is it bad that I grew up, matured and realize looks are just something superficial to me and I care more about other things now? And that's what a lot of guys don't want. They don't want to be with the woman that wouldn't have given them the time of day in the past. Who the hell wants to just be the safe bet because you would be a good dad or can provide. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Who said that? Who said provider or safe bet? I meant I realize there are things more important than looks as in: brains, mental compatibility, kindness, integrity. For me those things are much more important than a hot look. MUCH more. As I said, a super hot guy wrote me and I'm like... meh. It's obvious he is not that interesting personality wise nor he makes the effort to be. Is it bad that I grew up, matured and realize looks are just something superficial to me and I care more about other things now? But that's exactly it. A lot of women get with all the hot guys when their in their 20s & the ones that women go after the most regardless of their personality but they get a pass just because their hot & have a lot of options. Than later on they want the nice, kind guy that will be a good provider. As well as some wanting kids, so those women need to find someone before it's too late to have them if they refuse to adopt. That's being the settle guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 This forum is heavily slanted by peoples' experiences with online dating. Understandable, it's an online forum. But it's important to note due to the frequent disconnect with reality. She wasn't joking. Yeah, it's way too depressing being on here all the time. I don't know how some can constantly be on a forum with so many awful relationship stories constantly. I probably won't be on here again for awhile again after tonight. I don't know how for the past few months I was on here almost everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I don't see it this way. I think I was relationship-dumb in my 20s and only saw the light lately. I still have hot guys pursuing me but most don't attract me mentally so I don't go for them. I saw this discussion on a blog somewhere, and it was apparently pointed towards women who have, due to maybe friends/family getting married all around them or reached or certain age (or both). Would settle for a guy, in wedlock, to a man they weren't really all that physically attracted to. The marriage is pretty much probably over as she winces through the honeymoon and there's some kind of resentment on her part that she just "settled." My question though is, how often does this happen? How many women that you know of that had perhaps decided, "Okay, I usually don't like to date bald guys, but I just did reach 40 and well, that bald guy Ted is 'nice' and he's been asking me out plenty of times, so I think I'll settle for him." Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
SteveC80 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I'd imagine most that are with an average or unattractive looking guy Link to post Share on other sites
Herman20 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 About 1 out of 5 women marry a guy they are not attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
apeman101 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 About 1 out of 5 women marry a guy they are not attracted to. Its more like 3 out of 5. Roughly (60%) of marriages end in divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 But just don't be a sucker & fall for the trap. You should be able to see the signs of whether the woman you're with really cares about you or is just with you for security or the safe bet to them. I don't really understand why you think a woman would sign up to spend her whole life with you, have your babies, take care of you when you're sick, contribute her resources to create a good home, just for "security" or a "safe bet"? Guess what that is highly unlikely, nobody I know would do that, it sounds like a hellish nightmare of a way to waste your life!!! We can provide for ourselves thank you very much, if we chose to spend our lifes with a man you better believe it is going to be one we want very much!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 But that's exactly it. A lot of women get with all the hot guys when their in their 20s & the ones that women go after the most regardless of their personality but they get a pass just because their hot & have a lot of options. Than later on they want the nice, kind guy that will be a good provider. As well as some wanting kids, so those women need to find someone before it's too late to have them if they refuse to adopt. That's being the settle guy. It's not finding someone "before it's too late," it's called MATURING and CHANGING. I hope you don't feel like you need to have the exact same priorities and preferences when you are 40 that you had when you were 20 that would actually be pretty stunted!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't really understand why you think a woman would sign up to spend her whole life with you, have your babies, take care of you when you're sick, contribute her resources to create a good home, just for "security" or a "safe bet"? Guess what that is highly unlikely, nobody I know would do that, it sounds like a hellish nightmare of a way to waste your life!!! We can provide for ourselves thank you very much, if we chose to spend our lifes with a man you better believe it is going to be one we want very much!!! I don't know why either but it seems to happen plenty of times. The divorce rate is sky high and plenty of guys are in sexless marriages with women who resent the hell out of them. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 My question though is, how often does this happen? How many women that you know of that had perhaps decided, "Okay, I usually don't like to date bald guys, but I just did reach 40 and well, that bald guy Ted is 'nice' and he's been asking me out plenty of times, so I think I'll settle for him." Thoughts? It doesn't usually go this way. It's more like... I usually don't like to date bald guys, but Ted is sweet and kind and has a cute smile and has a lot to offer, so maybe being bald isn't that big of a deal. Then she goes out with Ted because she's able to see him as a whole person vs. just a bald guy. Then she just doesn't see "bald" at all when she looks into Ted's eyes. That's not settling. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Roughly 60% of divorced are initiated by women .That speaks louder than anything. All that says is that women are more likely to initiate divorce. You could create any kind of backstory for that statistic. Could mean that men are less likely to take initiative to make themselves happy. Could mean that men are happy with less, or are willing to put up with more. Could mean that women feel less power to initiate changes in their marriage and feel like there is no other choice, based on a long history of the submission and oppression of women. Or - could mean that women, now frenzied with our newly found power to make choices for our own lives, are just too quick to act on those choices. Could mean that men are more optimistic about saving their marriages. Could mean that men are clueless about how happy their spouses are. Lots of things it could be. But to say that it is because women "settled" and are breaking free to go have crazy times with bad boys is just silly. I'm sure it happens...but it isn't the norm. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alsudduth Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 IMO I don't think it's so much that we "settle" because we are older and think it's as good as it gets, but as we get older we realize that we aren't young anymore, that our hair is going to get gray, we are going to get wrinkles, our metabolisms are going to slow down, etc....at that point we have to take a look past physical appearance and focus more on the way we are treated by another person, by what that other person brings to the table. I would much rather "settle" for a man that may not be a 10 in the looks department, but treated me like I want and deserve to be treated. In other words as we age, I believe what "attracts" us to someone else has less to do with looks and more to do with the personality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If someone is in any relationship for any reason beyond absolute love, pure chemistry, and just desire to simply be with another regardless...they have settled. ...and it is also another type of settling if you make the decision to be with someone based only on those feelings, and not looking at values and goals and compatibility and ability to share and express love. You have to balance head AND heart. Not rely on one or the other solely. Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I think a lot of Women when they approach their 30s and want to settle down and have kids, they don't necessarily "settle", but they just normalize their expectations. Not everyone can get lucky and get a perfect 10 (looks/chemistry) who has high compatibility and brings a lot to the table. So instead they'll go out with the 7 who does bring these things. They're still found attractive to the Woman in question. Am I wrong here ladies? Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't know why either but it seems to happen plenty of times. The divorce rate is sky high and plenty of guys are in sexless marriages with women who resent the hell out of them. Why do you think that the "sky high" divorce rate (it's actually declining!!) is caused by women marrying guys they're not attracted to? Also I bet that guys in sexless marriages with resentful wives have a lot to do with the way their marriages are a large percentage of the time, why is all this stuff supposed to be women's fault??:confused: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 All that says is that women are more likely to initiate divorce.... ...But to say that it is because women "settled" and are breaking free to go have crazy times with bad boys is just silly. I'm sure it happens...but it isn't the norm. The women I personally know who got divorced, were either cheated on by their husbands, or felt neglected, taken for granted and subsequently lost the emotional connection and fell out of love. They either stuck with it until they healed themselves and had the courage to leave, or realised it was hopeless early doors and filed. Another one I know suffered domestic abuse and with help from friends and a court order eventually managed to set up herself and her kids elsewhere. I think the reason women divorce, has nothing to do with "settling", more to do with the behaviour of their men. Seems the common answer as to why women initiate more divorces is that men are more likely to stick it out in a bad marriage, whereas women take the initiative and just go. Men appear to be cowards when it comes to ending marriages. Men mostly leave when they have an alternative woman waiting or are urged to divorce by their OW. According to a study done at Pennsylvania State University the following is the top 10 reasons why women divorce: Infidelity Incompatible Drinking/Drug Use Grew Apart Personality problems Lack of communication Physical or mental abuse Loss of love Not meeting family obligations Employment problems 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why do you think that the "sky high" divorce rate (it's actually declining!!) is caused by women marrying guys they're not attracted to? Because the idea that some of those men were just crappy husbands is apparently impossible to wrap one's head around. I didn't settle for my husband. I LOVED him. But yeah, in the end, he wasn't really much of a husband. Roommate who didn't do their share of the cleaning and didn't always have a job? Yes. But not husband. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't really understand why you think a woman would sign up to spend her whole life with you, have your babies, take care of you when you're sick, contribute her resources to create a good home, just for "security" or a "safe bet"? Guess what that is highly unlikely, nobody I know would do that, it sounds like a hellish nightmare of a way to waste your life!!! We can provide for ourselves thank you very much, if we chose to spend our lifes with a man you better believe it is going to be one we want very much!!! Who ever said these women spend their whole lives with them? There's a thing called divorce which happens to 50% of marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Its more like 3 out of 5. Roughly (60%) of marriages end in divorce. You people seriously need a research and statistics course. None of theis makes any sense at all. But whatever fits your victim paradigm I guess... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 It's not finding someone "before it's too late," it's called MATURING and CHANGING. I hope you don't feel like you need to have the exact same priorities and preferences when you are 40 that you had when you were 20 that would actually be pretty stunted!! And this is why I don't care to meet anyone anymore. I just don't want to be with a woman that wouldn't view me the same as the type of guys she was with in the past. I refuse to be a safe option. I'd rather stay single. This is why I'd want to know a woman's past so I don't wind up with someone I'm not compatible with. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Who ever said these women spend their whole lives with them? There's a thing called divorce which happens to 50% of marriages. And men play a part in those marriages. The failure isn't all on the wives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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