NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 And men play a part in those marriages. The failure isn't all on the wives. Yes, but if the woman settles for the guy than it's her fault in those situations. She led the guy on to begin with. It's only the guys fault for being an idiot to not realize that he was just the settle guy. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I saw this discussion on a blog somewhere, and it was apparently pointed towards women who have, due to maybe friends/family getting married all around them or reached or certain age (or both). Would settle for a guy, in wedlock, to a man they weren't really all that physically attracted to. The marriage is pretty much probably over as she winces through the honeymoon and there's some kind of resentment on her part that she just "settled." My question though is, how often does this happen? How many women that you know of that had perhaps decided, "Okay, I usually don't like to date bald guys, but I just did reach 40 and well, that bald guy Ted is 'nice' and he's been asking me out plenty of times, so I think I'll settle for him." Thoughts? I think they fall in love with someone because of who he is. They develop attraction to him, even deep passionate sexual attraction. This is how it works with me. People who believe that attraction is all or mostly physical can not conceive of this. I would never use the word “settle” either. I’ve never felt I “settled” for anyone ever. Disturbing concept. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I think a lot of Women when they approach their 30s and want to settle down and have kids, they don't necessarily "settle", but they just normalize their expectations. Not everyone can get lucky and get a perfect 10 (looks/chemistry) who has high compatibility and brings a lot to the table. So instead they'll go out with the 7 who does bring these things. They're still found attractive to the Woman in question. Am I wrong here ladies? Kinda. I mean, what you say about women's changing expectations as they age is true. But NOT everyone starts out WANTING a perfect 10. Not to mention a perfect 10 to ME is not the same as a perfect 10 to another woman. I have mentioned MY perfect guy on here - he's nerdy and funny and kinda shy and blushes when I tell him he's cute. He's honest and kind and respectful. He's self-motivated and likes animals. That is my PERFECT 10... I don't give a rip about how much hair he has, or how flat his stomach is (and I never did - even in my twenties.) So while what you say is true, the missing piece is that "Perfect 10" isn't a static thing for all women. We all have a "Perfect 10", and almost all men are someone's Perfect 10. There may be some guys who are attractive to more women, but finding someone attractive isn't the same thing as wanting a relationship (or even a ONS) with him. There are tons of celebrities I think are attractive guys. But would I want to be with them? Hell no. They are like fine art, to be appreciated from afar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 And this is why I don't care to meet anyone anymore. I just don't want to be with a woman that wouldn't view me the same as the type of guys she was with in the past. I refuse to be a safe option. I'd rather stay single. This is why I'd want to know a woman's past so I don't wind up with someone I'm not compatible with. Way to set the bar low there. Why not find a woman who views you as BETTER than the guys from the past? Because every happily married woman I know views their husband that way, no matter what kind of crazy past they may have had. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Yes, but if the woman settles for the guy than it's her fault in those situations. She led the guy on to begin with. It's only the guys fault for being an idiot to not realize that he was just the settle guy. The way you and some of the other men twist your brand of logic into a pretzel is very impressive. Let me give you a lesson in maturity: A woman who is about 20-21 generally has no clue what good man/husband/partner material is. Her biggest questions are things like: is his butt cute, can he take me places, what kind of car does he drive, will my friends like him, is he fun and a good kisser (or sexer) Women spend their teens and twenties dating and experiencing the pros and cons of various types of people and relationships. At some point, a woman matures, and the things that made her swoon when she was 20 are seen for what they are: temporary exterior trappings. A nice car doesn't guarantee faithfulness. A nice butt doesn't guarantee love and loyalty. NOW the things that make her swoon are men who appreciate her for her, men who will be a partner in life, men with whom she can enjoy life long term, men who have goals, men with whom she can grow old and share that deep kind of love. Is sex and attraction still important? You bet. But whereas the guy used to need to be an ATO with pecs to get her motor going, now the grown man whose hairline may be receding but who listens, loves her, and she can admire melts her kneecaps. It's not about settling; it's about growing up. And as for that random 60% initiating divorces goes, anyone with rational reasoning skills can poke 1,000 holes in the fallacy conclusion that it is because women settle. Women leave because they are unhappy in the marriage or they got cheated on most of the time. Yeah, sometimes they cheat too. But I guarantee you 99% of those women were NOT unhappy and WERE in love when they walked down the aisle, and I bet an objective person could realize that the change in their happiness isn't all on them. You guys need to get the chip off your shoulder, otherwise even the settlers aren't gonna touch you with a 10 foot pole. We women don't swoon over men who hate women. Grow up. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 A woman who is about 20-21 generally has no clue what good man/husband/partner material is. Her biggest questions are things like: is his butt cute, can he take me places, what kind of car does he drive, will my friends like him, is he fun and a good kisser (or sexer) Women spend their teens and twenties dating and experiencing the pros and cons of various types of people and relationships. At some point, a woman matures, and the things that made her swoon when she was 20 are seen for what they are: temporary exterior trappings. A nice car doesn't guarantee faithfulness. A nice butt doesn't guarantee love and loyalty. NOW the things that make her swoon are men who appreciate her for her, men who will be a partner in life, men with whom she can enjoy life long term, men who have goals, men with whom she can grow old and share that deep kind of love. Is sex and attraction still important? You bet. But whereas the guy used to need to be an ATO with pecs to get her motor going, now the grown man whose hairline may be receding but who listens, loves her, and she can admire melts her kneecaps. It's not about settling; it's about growing up. 100% this. Most young women want adventure...because they are newly adults and want to use their newly founded wings. So they pick guys with tattoos and motorcycles and rock bands. They LET the assertive type-A guys pick THEM, no matter if the guy is a good guy or not. But it doesn't take us long to learn that Mr. Adventure offers us NOTHING long-term. So choosing Mr. Safe isn't SETTLING. Mr. Safe can actually pay for even better adventures. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 And this is why I don't care to meet anyone anymore. I just don't want to be with a woman that wouldn't view me the same as the type of guys she was with in the past. I refuse to be a safe option. I'd rather stay single. This is why I'd want to know a woman's past so I don't wind up with someone I'm not compatible with. You need to sort yourself out otherwise you ARE going to stay single. No woman will be able to prove to you she is not "settling". Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why do guys value the immature preferences of 20 year old women over the preferences of a mature woman? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 You need to sort yourself out otherwise you ARE going to stay single. No woman will be able to prove to you she is not "settling". I already said I don't care about being single. It doesn't matter to me anymore whether I meet someone or not. If I meet someone I happen to get along with well & I find her attractive than great, if not than oh well. I'd rather stay single for life than force myself to be with someone I don't really want to be with. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why do guys value the immature preferences of 20 year old women over the preferences of a mature woman? Because...they want 20 year old women, with perfect 10 bodies? The same thing they are angry at the 20 year old women for wanting in a man? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why do guys value the immature preferences of 20 year old women over the preferences of a mature woman? Because to a lot of men a woman's sexual past matters. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Because to a lot of men a woman's sexual past matters. What do her past preferences have to do with her sexual past? I didn't have sex until I was married, but my preferences had already changed somewhat from 20 by the time I got married. Bottom line, some of you men want the very same "shallow" things you scold women for wanting, and you have no respect for our gender. THAT is why you will be alone, not because women settle. You will be alone because no woman wants to be with a man who exudes such disdain for women. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Way to set the bar low there. Why not find a woman who views you as BETTER than the guys from the past? Because every happily married woman I know views their husband that way, no matter what kind of crazy past they may have had. A woman with a crazy past wouldn't be for me. It's everyones right to do what they want, but I have the personal right to not want to be with a woman with a crazy sexual past. We all have our own individual standards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 What do her past preferences have to do with her sexual past? I didn't have sex until I was married, but my preferences had already changed somewhat from 20 by the time I got married. Bottom line, some of you men want the very same "shallow" things you scold women for wanting, and you have no respect for our gender. THAT is why you will be alone, not because women settle. You will be alone because no woman wants to be with a man who exudes such disdain for women. I don't dislike women. We already had this conversation awhile back. I just refuse to be with a woman that wouldn't view me as the best guy they been with attraction wise or whatever else. Not going to happen to me because I refuse to let it. I'll stay single than be settled for. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't dislike women. We already had this conversation awhile back. I just refuse to be with a woman that wouldn't view me as the best guy they been with attraction wise or whatever else. Not going to happen to me because I refuse to let it. I'll stay single than be settled for. If you read the sum of all your posts, you will have to see that no one could read all that and think you actually have respect or any kind of admiration for women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 I don't dislike women. We already had this conversation awhile back. I just refuse to be with a woman that wouldn't view me as the best guy they been with attraction wise or whatever else. Not going to happen to me because I refuse to let it. I'll stay single than be settled for. This presumes that there is a single yardstick that human being can be measured by, where there is good, better and best in some absolute sense. But there isn’t. People fall in love and in love there are no yardsticks at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 What do her past preferences have to do with her sexual past? I didn't have sex until I was married, but my preferences had already changed somewhat from 20 by the time I got married. Bottom line, some of you men want the very same "shallow" things you scold women for wanting, and you have no respect for our gender. THAT is why you will be alone, not because women settle. You will be alone because no woman wants to be with a man who exudes such disdain for women. This is a two way street, Autumn. Your post is equally disdainful of men. NJ is saying that he doesn't care if he's single anymore, and that it's preferable to potentially finding a woman who's willing to settle for him. I don't see how this is any different to when feminism tells women to not settle for any man. The bottom line is nobody should settle...period. I'm 35 and don't give a rat's a$$ about 20 year old girls. They're not my target dating demographic. This is an assumption on your part that man only care what young women think. And don't even get me started on gender disrespect. Men have been thrown under the bus repeatedly in modern society. Not only that, women aren't perfect and have flaws, just like men do. I have zero issues with calling out those flaws, and it doesn't make me a misogynist. It makes me a realist. Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you read the sum of all your posts, you will have to see that no one could read all that and think you actually have respect or any kind of admiration for women. Respect is earned, not given. Some women earn it, some don't. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 If you read the sum of all your posts, you will have to see that no one could read all that and think you actually have respect or any kind of admiration for women. Because I refuse to be settled for? Because I don't want a woman with a crazy sexual past? How is that hating all women? I don't even hate the ones with crazy sexual pasts, thry just wouldn't be for me personally. And how am I bad to have the fear of potentially being settled for by someone? No one wants that to happen to them. I wouldn't want to waste years with someone that didn't even really care about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Respect is earned, not given. Some women earn it, some don't. The same goes for men. I see a lot of men here who haven't earned it, but expect it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Who ever said these women spend their whole lives with them? There's a thing called divorce which happens to 50% of marriages. Sorry but you really are stuck in your fear, stuff sometimes falls apart but no matter how much you need to tell yourself this, it is rarely because women "settled." In all the divorces I know of personally that is not the reason in even one of them. I bet it does happen. Just like sometimes men "trade up" as some of you guys like to call it . Or even "settled" themselves and later found the "real deal" and left. Women are not worse human beings than men are why do you feel so determined to tell yourself that??? Some people are good and some aren't, stop acting like such a victim because you happen to be a guy for heaven's sake!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Why do you think that the "sky high" divorce rate (it's actually declining!!) is caused by women marrying guys they're not attracted to? Also I bet that guys in sexless marriages with resentful wives have a lot to do with the way their marriages are a large percentage of the time, why is all this stuff supposed to be women's fault??:confused: I have seen so many marriages end because one day the woman wakes up and decides she is no longer in love with her husband and she never was attracted to him and the man is sitting there wondering what the hell happened. Granted I am only getting the man's side of the story but this happens enough to make a man scared of committing. A lot of it happens because a woman meets a man and he awakens feelings in her that she never had for her husband. It's pretty much a cliche at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 The same goes for men. I see a lot of men here who haven't earned it, but expect it. I never said it didn't. I'm simply saying that demanding we respect all women is ludicrous. Not all of them are deserving of it and do nothing to merit or earn our respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 Yes, but if the woman settles for the guy than it's her fault in those situations. She led the guy on to begin with. It's only the guys fault for being an idiot to not realize that he was just the settle guy. If I thought a guy was what you call a "settle guy" (what a dumb phrase anyway!!!) I assure you I wouldn't even waste an evening with him I would rather watch TV or read a book!!! Seriously! Where are you getting your ideas, I think it is all coming from your own poor self esteem. I'm sorry you feel so threatened by everything but that is YOUR stuff to deal with, it is not because of evil women plotting to make you a SETTLE GUY sheesh!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 stop acting like such a victim because you happen to be a guy for heaven's sake!! Am I the only one who sees the irony here? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts