Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[apeman101]

Everything should have to be earned in a relationship. It's a flower that needs to be taken care of and put an effort to. In fact everything should be earned in every relationship, except maybe the parents' and kid's relationship. You should work to keep a relationship alive and overcome the obstacles that come in the way. The lack of intimacy means something, I'm sure no couple started a relationship without ever having sex or planning to have sex in the future. When sex stops from one part, something is the matter and this something should be expressed. I don't disagree there are women who don't want to bother with satisfying their husbands sexually and they just want a provider and father for the children. But there are women who stop having sex cause there are some problems, and these problems should be communicated.

 

Said by a woman and i quote "When the love is gone, there is no relationship "

Edited March 25, 2015 by apeman101

[oldshirt]

 

It boils down to being sensitive to and meeting your partner's needs. This is true for both genders.

 

It is absolutely true for both genders.

 

However women have 10,000 very complex and at times contradictory needs.

 

Men only have a few very simple and straight forward ones.

 

Assuming a man is not abusive, an alcoholic or druggie or sociopath if his simple needs are met, he will be in a good mood and will do his sincere best to meet his wife's needs to the best of his ability.

 

And even though perhaps no man can meet ALL of a woman's needs, if she sees that he is putting in his sincere best with a good, happy attitude about it, 9 times out of 10, she'll decide that's good enough. Some she'll often fudge a little on some of the other things he's not doing well enough.

 

Where as if a wife doesn't make a sincere, good faith attempt to meet her husband's few, simple needs, he'll quickly turn into an a$$ and will often break down into a bu!!hole and won't even try to be nice to her.

 

We have to give the OP credit here, at least he tried for many years and upheld his end of the bargain untill the kids were out of the house. And at least she let him masturbate with her body periodically so she at least tried also. She could've just told him to bugger off and take care of himself, and he hasn't said anything about her cheating or her getting it elsewhere while he suffered in solitude.

 

So As far as I'm concerned, he can leave the divorce papers on the table for her to come home and find while he's out golfing with his buddies.

 

If she signs them and moves her stuff out before he gets back and doesn't say a peep about it, that's all the better for the both of them.

 

They can both move on with their lives and do what they want and live happily ever after in their own separate lives.

[dichotomy]

Fixed that for you...

 

you got it

 

and this is kind of what our therapist looks like

 

http://blogs.babycenter.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/courtney-cox-july-9.jpg

 

.

Edited March 25, 2015 by dichotomy

[autumnnight]

Where as if a wife doesn't make a sincere, good faith attempt to meet her husband's few, simple needs, he'll quickly turn into an a$$ and will often break down into a bu!!hole and won't even try to be nice to her.

 

This made me laugh because this is EXACTLY what I become like when the person who professes to love me won't touch me.

 

I think people who are wired to have a very deep and primal need for sexual intimacy just have a very different and primal response when that is missing. Kind of like for a woman who bonds through conversation, a man who won't talk to her is a deep betrayal and rejection. Or someone who needs a commitment to family is profoundly hurt by a spouse who pays no attention to the kids.

 

If you profess to love me and I make a vow to be with you, and then you withhold the central intimate need for me, I'm sorry, after awhile it ain't gonna be pretty.

[bathtub-row]

I hear this stuff about sexless, or mostly sexless, marriages all the time and it totally astounds me. I never lost sexual attraction or enjoyment for my husband - even after I had a child. Granted, I was probably more sexually motivated than a lot of women but I can guarantee you that if I had had a partner who didn't like sex, there's no way I would've put up with that.

 

GetSmart, you have a LOT of great years ahead of you. Please do not ever again settle for the crap you have put up with. Do not assume that a woman stops wanting sex after marriage. This is just not normal. I don't care how many screwed up people there are out there, not wanting sex is abnormal. I say, if a person doesn't like sex, then they should get a roommate and don't torture some poor soul by tricking them into marriage.

 

I had a long affair with a man who was - and still is - in a sexless marriage. He was 50 when we got together, I was 45. Our affair was off and on for 8 years. Now he's 61 and has more health problems than he can deal with. Yet he stays in his ridiculous marriage. He thinks it's normal to argue with a woman all the time, and I know he resents her in the same way you resent your wife. He probably thought I was faking it when we had great sex.

 

Do yourself a favor and find someone who has the same zest for life that you have.

[oldshirt]

This made me laugh because this is EXACTLY what I become like when the person who professes to love me won't touch me.

 

I think people who are wired to have a very deep and primal need for sexual intimacy just have a very different and primal response when that is missing. Kind of like for a woman who bonds through conversation, a man who won't talk to her is a deep betrayal and rejection. Or someone who needs a commitment to family is profoundly hurt by a spouse who pays no attention to the kids.

 

If you profess to love me and I make a vow to be with you, and then you withhold the central intimate need for me, I'm sorry, after awhile it ain't gonna be pretty.

 

 

 

That's kind of the basis of the book "The Five Love Languages."

[autumnnight]

That's kind of the basis of the book "The Five Love Languages."

 

After months of no sex.....yeah I'm definitely using some language lol

[dichotomy]

That's kind of the basis of the book "The Five Love Languages."

 

 

As i remember the book does not target sex, I think its filed under the generic and bland (and safe) "touch". They should specifically have a six language called ...sex.

[autumnnight]

As i remember the book does not target sex, I think its filed under the generic and bland (and safe) "touch". They should specifically have a six language called ...sex.

 

Sex is Latin for 6.

[JS84]

When are you dropping the bomb??

[Lion Heart]

Gosh guys (esp) I found the posts by oldshirt et al so true when I replaced the "women" you mentioned with my WH name and the "men" with mine! OMG I MUST be a man! WH MUST be a woman.

(Except for the only part I entirely agree with which is that women can walk out the door and probably easily get sex more easily).Everything else in this marraige is a complete role reversal.

 

HE was the one witholding good sex with meonly to want porn star sex with OW. I would have loved that.

 

I was the stable provider. Provided properties which his "wants" quickly usurped.

 

I earnt up to 30x more than him. Yet after years of crappy sex and a VERY good income and lifestyle provided by me, HE has an A the first opportunity! I was hit on far too much over the years, and always stayed faithful. Even tho it was VERY apparent to ME that I'd have a much nicer life personally if I'd left and ran off with OM (this is sinking in now because I never gave THAT a second thought before).

 

He** I even mowed the lawns for YEARS until H criticized my efforts at a birthday party I THREW for HIM. I'd spent 6h doing those lawns with twin 1yo plus a DD.

 

I do 99% of all food & clothes shopping for all of us. WH cooked at times but only after I'd bought and prepped everything. I cleaned, washed, did his taxes for his business. Organised every activity for 4 kids. Paid school fees etc. He opted out of this.

 

I could go on but I dare not! I wanted to have sex tonight with WH but he just said he's "not sure about that"! I'm recognising WH more and more as I read the guys posts about WOMEN! ARRRRR.

 

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! Esp when I read the thread about what a typical WW "looks like" it was MY WH!

 

AND over our entire marriage, so many men AND women have said how happy my husband would be married to a me!

 

And no, I'm NOT overweight. I can wear tight pants but dare not when I go out with WH in case his jealousy sours NOT because OM want me (he knows I'd NEVER cheat - his words) but because HE doesn't get the same attention.

 

I NEED TO READ "No more Mr Nice Guy" and substitute men for women etc.

 

There was another thing I wanted to post but my head is spinning after all this sinking in.

 

GetSmarter you did. I need to too.

 

Lion Heart.

[GetSmarter]

When are you dropping the bomb??

I know this sounds harsh. But I expect it's be the very day, if not the minutes that follow when we drop off our son in college.

[SummerDreams]

I do sympathise with the OP and I'm happy for him for choosing to do what's best for him. I do get mad with his wife who stopped having sex with him cause she just lost her challenge after marrying him. What I find sad and depressing is what you have said, that a man is a simple human being who is happy only if he gets good sex and that's all. I mean, here are you revealing the man's weak point to the woman and telling her "just give him a BJ once in a while, have some sex with him and he'll be your slave forever". Isn't this depressing? Why do we accuse some women then for manipulating men by sex for various reasons (money, trips, marriage, kids, houses, jewelry etc) if the men themselves admit sex is the only thing that will keep them happy? I know many men who have had no sex until they were 25 or 30. Does this mean they were never happy? Does this mean the friends they had, the family, the entertainment from other things never made them happy? I'm sorry but I can't accept (not without crying) that my man will only be happy if I give him regular sex. This makes it sound so depressing that I don't know if I will ever be in the mood to have sex with him if I accept this rule. It will be kind of an obligation like "lets have sex now and then we'll do what I want". This sounds like what a call girl or a woman who manipulates men for sex would do, and I hate this kind of women. Now you are telling me that all women should be like this? Do you see why I find it depressing?

[dreamingoftigers]

Some women have a higher need for sex than others. However women have a long laundry list of needs and requirements and expectations. Romance/sexuality is just one of many and it is something that many women end up sacrificing for their other wants and needs.

 

A woman can go literally years and years without a satisfying Sexlife and she will do it for the "other" things the relationship can provide.

 

Men really can't. At least without some serious break downs in other areas of their life or in other areas of the relationship.

 

Women have a very long list of requirements and can live a long time without a serious breakdown if the sexual component isn't there.

 

Men have a very short list of other requirements and will breakdown if the sexuality isn't there.

 

I must be a man.

 

I would gladly take care of all of the other components of the relationship etc. without much complaint or resentment if I was getting laid.

 

And it's the main thing he wouldn't give to me. He made these stupid promises all on a string for years and years. "It's this, it's that, we don't have that kind of relationship, maybe if we......." Tons of nothing but PURE EXCUSES.

 

Now since his spinal injury he has ED (supposedly, although I found lube that isn't ours in the house and he said he "got off once"). And that's why I am so done with this crap.

 

I am 32, I am not dead.

[dreamingoftigers]

And if you you've ever read any of Dr Laura Schlesingers books or listened to any of her radio shows, that is exactly what she says.

 

Men who are getting their sexual needs met are loving and cuddly and pleasant and supportive and nice etc etc etc

 

Where as men who aren't getting their needs met, quickly turn into *********s.

 

I have felt overwhelmed and burnt out by the stress and rejection of not having sex, plus having the vast majority of the other responsibilities.

 

I don't even think my husband is capable of understanding this.

 

SEX IS IMPORTANT PEOPLE!

[SummerDreams]

I must be a man.

 

I would gladly take care of all of the other components of the relationship etc. without much complaint or resentment if I was getting laid.

 

 

Without wanting to offend you or doubt you and your needs, but are you sure about what you just said?

 

There are so many kinds of men out there, we can't even imagine. There are men who are violent, indifferent, who don't take care of their wife, they don't care for her needs, they don't care to help her with anything, they don't want to have proper conversations, they demand things from her and so on and on. Are you saying you would give up the perfect man only to get laid? Have you maybe made a huge deal of sex and you have become addicted by the idea of the lack of it? We humans tend to miss what someone takes from us, even if we didn't care for it that much before. I'd say 300% that I'd never give up the perfect man who treats me good, cares for my needs, is patient with me, supports me and above all is a good father only to have the certainty of frequent sex. And maybe this confirms what some other posters were saying here earlier, that a woman can pass on sex if she has her other needs met. What I want to say is, when we women have found a good man, lets not take his good behavior for granted cause there are so many women out there who suffer cause of their man's bad behavior. And most of the time, sex is great. But is this enough? Can this make up for the bad behavior?

[oldshirt]

I do sympathise with the OP and I'm happy for him for choosing to do what's best for him. I do get mad with his wife who stopped having sex with him cause she just lost her challenge after marrying him. What I find sad and depressing is what you have said, that a man is a simple human being who is happy only if he gets good sex and that's all. I mean, here are you revealing the man's weak point to the woman and telling her "just give him a BJ once in a while, have some sex with him and he'll be your slave forever". Isn't this depressing? Why do we accuse some women then for manipulating men by sex for various reasons (money, trips, marriage, kids, houses, jewelry etc) if the men themselves admit sex is the only thing that will keep them happy? I know many men who have had no sex until they were 25 or 30. Does this mean they were never happy? Does this mean the friends they had, the family, the entertainment from other things never made them happy? I'm sorry but I can't accept (not without crying) that my man will only be happy if I give him regular sex. This makes it sound so depressing that I don't know if I will ever be in the mood to have sex with him if I accept this rule. It will be kind of an obligation like "lets have sex now and then we'll do what I want". This sounds like what a call girl or a woman who manipulates men for sex would do, and I hate this kind of women. Now you are telling me that all women should be like this? Do you see why I find it depressing?

 

It's not about manipulation at all. Manipulation is gritting your teeth and laying there thinking about tomorrow's grocery list and letting your husband borrow your body once a month to keep him around to pay the bills because you aren't attracted to him or desire him but want the other benefits of marriage and don't want to divorce.....just yet.

 

 

What men want is a woman that respects and admires him and desires him sexually. Showing your man respect, admiration and desire is the few drops of oil that he needs to do all the 10,000 things that a woman wants a man to do.

 

 

Without those few simple drops of oil, the male machine breaks down very fast.

 

 

It's nothing to be depressed about. It's just a fact of life.

 

 

It shouldn't be a chore. If a woman respects, and admires her husband, the desire should come naturally. If it's a chore, then something is wrong.

[oldshirt]

Responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry but I can't accept (not without crying) that my man will only be happy if I give him regular sex.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Romance/sexuality is what separates our mate from all other relationships. it's what makes our special someone 'special.'

it's what makes our mate special above all others.

From a personal perspective as a man let me put it like this, there are billions of women that don't want to have sex with me. They are just faces in a crowd of billions. Each of them is just another person.

Where as my special someone is the one that I will jump in front of a bullet for and run into a burning building for. She is the one that I will make a home and family for. The one I will go out in the middle of the night to get medicine or chicken noodle soup for when she is sick. The one I will give a foot rub to at the end of a hard day. She (and our children ) are pretty much the only person that I will put her needs before my own.

All the other billions of women that have no desire for me, I could be walking down the side walk and they fall out of a 3rd story window and splat on the sidewalk in front of me and I could simply step over them and keep on walking.

 

 

You can look at sexuality as a chore that you have to do to keep your man in the house, but I think that is a very sad and misguided outlook and if you feel that way about your man, you should consider some other options.

Or you can see sexuality as the great gift it was meant to be as the glue that binds a husband and wife together in a sacred bond that makes that one person and that one relationship special and above all others.

 

 

This makes it sound so depressing that I don't know if I will ever be in the mood to have sex with him if I accept this rule. It will be kind of an obligation like "lets have sex now and then we'll do what I want".

 

 

 

 

Like I said earlier, if you love, respect and admire your husband, the desire should come naturally. If it doesn't, then something is wrong. Sexuality should be a gift from him to you as well as from you to him.

 

 

This sounds like what a call girl or a woman who manipulates men for sex would do, and I hate this kind of women.

 

 

You are conjuring that up in your mind or your own heart. I haven't said a thing about that.

 

 

 

 

Now you are telling me that all women should be like this?

 

 

You are implying that women should give their husbands obligate duty sex. My answer is an emphatic and passionate NO!

 

All women should love, respect, admire and desire their husbands. If they don't then either their husbands need to reevaluate what they are doing and step up to the plate so their wives will love, respect, admire and desire them, or the women need to move on so they can find a man they will respect and desire and the husband can find someone that respects and desires him.

 

 

 

 

Do you see why I find it depressing?

 

 

Yeah I see why you find it depressing the way you are looking at it but I think the way you are looking at it is very misguided.

 

 

[autumnnight]

I do sympathise with the OP and I'm happy for him for choosing to do what's best for him. I do get mad with his wife who stopped having sex with him cause she just lost her challenge after marrying him. What I find sad and depressing is what you have said, that a man is a simple human being who is happy only if he gets good sex and that's all. I mean, here are you revealing the man's weak point to the woman and telling her "just give him a BJ once in a while, have some sex with him and he'll be your slave forever". Isn't this depressing? Why do we accuse some women then for manipulating men by sex for various reasons (money, trips, marriage, kids, houses, jewelry etc) if the men themselves admit sex is the only thing that will keep them happy? I know many men who have had no sex until they were 25 or 30. Does this mean they were never happy? Does this mean the friends they had, the family, the entertainment from other things never made them happy? I'm sorry but I can't accept (not without crying) that my man will only be happy if I give him regular sex. This makes it sound so depressing that I don't know if I will ever be in the mood to have sex with him if I accept this rule. It will be kind of an obligation like "lets have sex now and then we'll do what I want". This sounds like what a call girl or a woman who manipulates men for sex would do, and I hate this kind of women. Now you are telling me that all women should be like this? Do you see why I find it depressing?

 

I can understand why a woman who refuses sex or uses sex as an earning tool would be very upset by oldshirt's posts. It has been my experience that women who are upset by this are generally the ones not having sex with their husbands, and they don't want to be reminded of it and feel guilty.

[SummerDreams]

When something I enjoy starts becoming an obligation, I tend to start not wanting to do it anymore. I love swimming but if someone told me I MUST swim every day I will start doing it as an obligation and ultimately dislike it.

 

I don't want my man's "oil" to treat me good and care for me to be sex or BJs. I want it to be love. I don't want to have sex with him to keep him happy and make him treat me good or care for me. I want to have sex with him cause I want him.

 

@Oldshirt I understand what you are saying and I realize the way I see it is indeed depressing cause I took the worst side of the story. But the truth is that the worst side of the story many times exists. So many women take advantage of men using sex as a tool, so saying to women "come on women, the only thing your man asks to be happy and treat you good and care for you is sex, just give it to him and everything will be fine" just makes these women stronger.

 

Does love have anything to do with anything then or is it just sex for a man?

 

And please don't tell me that a man loves through sex cause there are thousands of couples who don't have sex till marriage and these men love the women fine.

[oldshirt]

Gosh guys (esp) I found the posts by oldshirt et al so true when I replaced the "women" you mentioned with my WH name and the "men" with mine! OMG I MUST be a man! WH MUST be a woman.

(Except for the only part I entirely agree with which is that women can walk out the door and probably easily get sex more easily).Everything else in this marraige is a complete role reversal.

 

HE was the one witholding good sex with meonly to want porn star sex with OW. I would have loved that.

 

I was the stable provider. Provided properties which his "wants" quickly usurped.

 

I earnt up to 30x more than him. Yet after years of crappy sex and a VERY good income and lifestyle provided by me, HE has an A the first opportunity! I was hit on far too much over the years, and always stayed faithful. Even tho it was VERY apparent to ME that I'd have a much nicer life personally if I'd left and ran off with OM (this is sinking in now because I never gave THAT a second thought before).

 

He** I even mowed the lawns for YEARS until H criticized my efforts at a birthday party I THREW for HIM. I'd spent 6h doing those lawns with twin 1yo plus a DD.

 

I do 99% of all food & clothes shopping for all of us. WH cooked at times but only after I'd bought and prepped everything. I cleaned, washed, did his taxes for his business. Organised every activity for 4 kids. Paid school fees etc. He opted out of this.

 

I could go on but I dare not! I wanted to have sex tonight with WH but he just said he's "not sure about that"! I'm recognising WH more and more as I read the guys posts about WOMEN! ARRRRR.

 

I'm SO FRUSTRATED! Esp when I read the thread about what a typical WW "looks like" it was MY WH!

 

AND over our entire marriage, so many men AND women have said how happy my husband would be married to a me!

 

And no, I'm NOT overweight. I can wear tight pants but dare not when I go out with WH in case his jealousy sours NOT because OM want me (he knows I'd NEVER cheat - his words) but because HE doesn't get the same attention.

 

I NEED TO READ "No more Mr Nice Guy" and substitute men for women etc.

 

There was another thing I wanted to post but my head is spinning after all this sinking in.

 

GetSmarter you did. I need to too.

 

Lion Heart.

 

 

 

What I said a few posts back about Getsmarter should simply leave the divorce papers for her to sign on the table while he is out golfing with his buddies -

 

 

-That applies to you as well.

[elaine567]

And please don't tell me that a man loves through sex cause there are thousands of couples who don't have sex till marriage and these men love the women fine.

 

Yes, but are they actually just loving the potential and the promise of sex on tap?

[Lion Heart]

Responses in bold below.

 

oldshirt when you put it like that (post #118)

you are my hero.

 

I want to print your words out and allow my WH to read this written by a man and to understand where I'm coming from. Yes, as a woman, I emphatically agree!

 

Sometimes the men's posts do come across as generalizations in the extreme about us women. We all must concede that at times, as in many women's lives here, including mine, these sexual roles are reversed for some unknown, inexplicable reason.

 

Many times I've read threads or posts by men on LS and felt hope that ALL men are NOT like my WH. I would love my WH to grow up and be like these posts describe (can't say like the men yourselves because I don't know you at all).

I trust on some level, you must feel commitment, appreciation and deep love for your SO TO BE having these thoughts to post.

 

LH

[Lion Heart]

What I said a few posts back about Getsmarter should simply leave the divorce papers for her to sign on the table while he is out golfing with his buddies -

 

 

-That applies to you as well.

 

I hear you buddy.

[Lion Heart]

I know this sounds harsh. But I expect it's be the very day, if not the minutes that follow when we drop off our son in college.

 

GetSmarter, have you got a plan?

Does W have ANY clue at all?

Gosh did you buy the beach house for you to move in to?

 

I'll probably get slammed for saying this, but surely W has had FAIR warning? For ummmm decades!

 

You've definitely got some stamina hanging in there for so long. Sure M isn't "all about sex" but I agree with Woody Allen.

 

I wonder if she'll want to give you "porn star sex" immediately. Hope you're ready for a reaction.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.