Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[DKT3]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Its becoming clear that your pretty young. 20 or 30 years of marriage means dick if there were 15 to 20 BAD YEARS. Resentment can do nasty things to a relationship. You commented before about sex being when you both wanted it, but your actions and all the other words you've typed here suggests that your sex life is on your terms.

 

If you reject your partner too often they will stop asking because rejection hurts. Once they stop asking resentment starts, once resentment starts anger follows.

 

This OP has been trying to change the dynamic in his marriage for years, at some point you find enough is ENOUGH and its time to change the situation.

[No Limit]

Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage

 

I msut admit that I sometimes feel like facepalming too when I read how some guy wants to divorce after 20 years of marriage. Why did you wait so long and let someone treat you this way for all those many years? That's a good portion of your lifetime wasted. Don't get a baby right after marrying, wait a year or two and should the sex life ever decrease in that phase get out. Although these days I recommend people to just not marry at all.

 

After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Indeed, sex is easy to get. If you don't want to provide a normal sex life for your partner, at least let him pursue it outside of your marriage (with SINGLE people though, don't interfere in other marriages). This way you show your partner that even though you don't want to take care of one of his most basic needs, you respect him enough to acknowledge that he has them and can live them out. If you don't let him have sex at all you're turning marriage into a prison, and it has nothing to do with "for better or worse", it is YOU who is making things worse in the first place.

 

 

I might be female too but I don't understand this demand to force a partner into giving up a primal need. Perhaps I'm just too young, any of the wiser people explain it to me?

[MJJean]

Keep drinking the kool-aid, sweetie.

 

The reality is men & women can (and should) be equal, but they will never be the same. Men and women were 'engineered' by evolution to be complimentary with different needs and agendas to propagate the species with maximum efficiency.

 

Men are polygynous... we need to spread our seed far & wide, but human beings have long gestation & maturation periods, which requires men to stick around to protect and provide. Hence the long developed mechanism of bonding through sex via the 'bonding hormone', oxytocin. No sex = no oxytocin = no bonding.

 

So yeah, the 'average man' needs a lot of sex... not want, need. This doesn't make us weak, addicted, or perverts... it's how we're wired.

 

Ignore this fact in your relationship at your personal peril.

 

And it doesn't mean that there isn't more to a relationship or happiness than sex. It just means that the typical man isn't going to be happy without regular sex. Now, of course, some men have lower sex drives than others, so how much sex a man needs to be happy is going to vary.

 

And, honestly, there are quite a few women out there who feel the same way. I am one of them. Regular sex for me is a few times a week at least. Without sex for a few days or so I get a bit grumpy and short tempered. A few weeks and I start to feel distant an disconnected from my DH. I don't know what happens after 3 weeks without sex as I have never gone that long even after giving birth to any one of my 3 kids.

 

If DH didn't have a sex drive close to mine or if he withheld sex for a long period of time without a serious reason something would have to give. Either we'd have to seriously discuss open marriage or seriously discuss divorce. I didn't marry to live like a nun with a roommate.

 

And, for the record, I do return the courtesy. If I "don't wanna" (very, very, rare), I'll do it anyways. Either he'll get me in the mood once we start or I'll simply enjoy the sensation and closeness.

[autumnnight]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Actually the typical person wuld NOT read this thread and think:

 

A man will not be happy without it = it is all a man needs

 

Let's be logical. I love veggies. In a typical meal, I'm probably not going to be happy without veggies. Does that mean veggies is all I eat?

 

You are reacting to this thread with defensiveness because something about it hits too close to home. I have ni idea what that is, but I would wager it is because you DO think sex is a waste of time that one should grow out of, and you DO plan to, at some point, let your SO know the sex phase is now over and it is time for the important stuff.

 

Hey, that is a common viewpoint. My ex inlaws had it, and that along with lots of other stuff is what shaped my ex's view. That is how I know there ARE men out there who will be just fine without sex once the new has worn off or the kids are conceived. It's no biggie. The people who don't care about sex just need to marry each other and NOT people like me or the OP.

[elaine567]

I think what Summer Dreams is trying to say here is that she was unaware that men don't love in the same way that women love.

 

She thought that her man loved her because of her mind, because of her sense of humour, because of the way she cares for him, because of the way she looks, because he gets a warm fuzzy feeling inside and because of that cute little dimple when she similes, etc...

She is not withholding sex, nor is she being manipulative, but to her sex was something natural and just happened when they felt like it, when they both felt the urge, a bit like sharing a bottle of wine together or going out for a meal; something intimate that showed their love for each other and an enjoyable way of spending time together.

Like going out or that bottle of wine, she thought, take it or leave it. Yes, sex is a couple bonding experience but if life temporarily gets in the way, then so be it. Love is what really holds everything together.

 

BUT enter oldshirt with his "oil" and that cosy scenario is blown apart.

Sex is really what holds her bf to her. If he doesn't get sex, then she might as well, according to oldshirt, be the cleaning lady or some unknown woman on the street.

So all that concept of his "love" for her, and her alone, is now in smithereens. He doesn't "love" her in the way she thought, he doesn't love her for being her anymore. She now sees he just needs sex and instead of natural, go with the flow sex, she now feels she is going to be pressurised into "regular as clockwork" sex, for fear that everything is going to fall apart and he is likely to abandon her, due to lack of connection...

 

That is, I think what she finds depressing.

 

However...

How Oxytocin Helps Men Stay Monogamous | TIME.com

[elaine567]

I also found this

Dear men: 'Too tired' is not just an excuse? we use to starve you from sex

 

Gentlemen, get those women to bed for some sleep and you will reap the rewards.

[DKT3]

Look at it this way. Picture a car, four wheels and a motor. The motor represents love, the four wheels represents 1)feeling wanted not needed, 2)feeling taken care of and safe, 3)feeling included (not casted aside and apart from wife and kids), and 4)SEX.

 

If the motor turns and the tires have air that thing will run forever. Let a tire go flat and you won't get far. Sex is the front driver side wheel for men.

 

I recall a poll in a mens rag asking both men and women to list in order what's important in a relationship 95% of men had sex listed top two of five. While 70% of women has sex listed fifth. Its just how we are wired. For women emotions equal sex for men sex equal emotions. It all works out if both understand there are differences in what you need as opposed to what your partner needs. Its about compromise, it means sometimes having sex when your tired, and sometimes not getting it when your horny. If its never used as a tool or withheld as a weapon I think its easier for one to understand.

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

 

 

OMG, seriously.

 

 

It isn't just all about man cracking up and fearing the death of manhood.

 

 

Sure, this happens, but that is so out of the scope of this thread.

 

 

The comments before were not "sex is ONLY thing that men value."

 

 

But, without REGULAR sex, men (and obviously some very beautiful, exquisite women such as myself and LionHeart) generally are NOT happy with that circumstance.

 

 

It leads to resentment and ultimately, a loss of the partnership in some way by either cheating or leaving altogether.

 

 

Are there other things that make men happy? Sure.

 

 

I believe I once heard a sketch that said, want to make him happy? 1. Make him a sandwich 2. Give him the remote 3. Play with his balls.

 

 

I know that depending on the individual there can be more than that. Maybe he likes rock concerts, cuddling, sports, money, whatever. Maybe he likes hearing about your day or your political thoughts. WHATEVER.

 

 

But if you are going to throw all of the other ingredients in a pot, and then expect him to go without sex for a month because "you are stressed" for non-specific reasons every third month......don't expect him to quietly accept that.

 

 

It isn't his job to manage your mood so that you can be his intimate partner. It also isn't solely his job to initiate and keep the regularity of sex in the relationship.

 

 

If you are seeing it slide, don't initiate and just don't really care because you think it is "time to settle down" then expect to get nexted when the next chance for him to step up to a deepening commitment happens. Because you won't be keeping your end up.

 

 

Sex is not just a phase that we wear out of.

It is a natural, recurring expression of intimacy.

 

 

I think that a lot of your comments show a sense of being used for it or something like that. Like it shouldn't be "expected" of you to want regular sex in the long run. And why the heck not?

[dreamingoftigers]

After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Sex is not easy to be found if you are in a sexless relationship and you want to stay faithful.

 

Then it feels like the whole world is screwing and you aren't invited inside the club.

[redtail]

I believe I once heard a sketch that said, want to make him happy? 1. Make him a sandwich 2. Give him the remote 3. Play with his balls.

 

good one!

[Diezel]

Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

What is this garbage you are spewing about a mid-life crisis?

 

Are you kidding me?

 

Also, I dare you to take an hour and hit up Dead Bedrooms. Go read it. Instruct yourself, and tell me what you have learned after reading posts from both men and women.

 

I'm sure you'll find PLENTY of mid-life crisis stories there.

 

The world isn't the world according to the way you see things, it's a matter of perspective.

[dreamingoftigers]

It seems you want to misinterpret what I'm saying for whatever reason. I never said I withhold sex and I have no reason to do that, I'm free to say I'm not in the mood and I'm not the kind of woman who manipulates men with sex to earn something. What annoys me is the general rule that the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex, and I know what you said is "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" but we are just playing with words. "the typical man is NOT going to be happy without it" = "the only thing a man needs to be happy is sex". As said above, sex is the oil that keeps a man happy. Whatever way you put it, I see this angle of it and I don't want to accept it cause I know men can live happily without or with not so frequent sex. Men who want to divorce after 20-30 years of marriage is not cause of the lack or not so much frequency of sex, it's cause of a middle life crisis that "hits" most men in their 50s and they start to get scared that their manhood is some way "dying" and their chances to sleep with more women are getting slimmer and slimmer as they grow older. I say this and I believe it (while I could be wrong, not all cases are the same) cause I've seen many men in their 50s leaving their wife regardless of having a good sexual life or not with her. If sex could keep a man faithful, then no woman would be cheated on. Men don't cheat nor do they leave cause of the lack of sex. They do so cause they see the years passing by and they become insecure. So the theory "the only thing that a woman can do to keep her man happy is frequent sex" is BS in my opinion. After all sex is so easy to be found. The hard thing to find is someone who cares and loves you and will be there "for better or for worse".

 

Somehow in this fog of stuff I missed the bolded.

 

Are you serious?

 

Men DO NOT leave OR CHEAT due to lack of sex?

 

Hello, welcome to this thread where there is a lack of sex and the man is leaving because of it.

 

Oh my good goodness.

Of course people leave for lack of sex and cheat because of it too.

 

Well, they cheat because they don't leave and work on their issues surrounding that. I do not condone cheating.

 

But I understand it in a sexless circumstance.

 

Frankly, I do not even think that my husband would even care if I cheated. And what leg does he have to stand on anyhow?

He doesn't wish to give me physical affection, if I didn't have religious convictions, why the heck shouldn't I find someone who is willing to meet those needs? Please feel free to give me one good reason why I should not find someone who wants to have sex with me instead of feeling starved of basic human affection from the one person who promised me that for the rest of my life.

 

Why should I, or anyone keep being forced to drink from a dry well?

 

A guy in this circumstance won't find your company a cute substitute for no physical intimacy: "Sure you might make a mean scrambled eggs, but I can make my own eggs, and get laid by someone else."

[SummerDreams]

I think what Summer Dreams is trying to say here is that she was unaware that men don't love in the same way that women love.

 

She thought that her man loved her because of her mind, because of her sense of humour, because of the way she cares for him, because of the way she looks, because he gets a warm fuzzy feeling inside and because of that cute little dimple when she similes, etc...

She is not withholding sex, nor is she being manipulative, but to her sex was something natural and just happened when they felt like it, when they both felt the urge, a bit like sharing a bottle of wine together or going out for a meal; something intimate that showed their love for each other and an enjoyable way of spending time together.

Like going out or that bottle of wine, she thought, take it or leave it. Yes, sex is a couple bonding experience but if life temporarily gets in the way, then so be it. Love is what really holds everything together.

 

BUT enter oldshirt with his "oil" and that cosy scenario is blown apart.

Sex is really what holds her bf to her. If he doesn't get sex, then she might as well, according to oldshirt, be the cleaning lady or some unknown woman on the street.

So all that concept of his "love" for her, and her alone, is now in smithereens. He doesn't "love" her in the way she thought, he doesn't love her for being her anymore. She now sees he just needs sex and instead of natural, go with the flow sex, she now feels she is going to be pressurised into "regular as clockwork" sex, for fear that everything is going to fall apart and he is likely to abandon her, due to lack of connection...

 

That is, I think what she finds depressing.

 

However...

How Oxytocin Helps Men Stay Monogamous | TIME.com

 

Thank you for finally putting into words what I feel. I guess my english doesn't help me as much as I'd wanted...

[autumnnight]

So what we are saying to the OP is tgat the OP shouldn't care so much about sex, the OP should realize sex is a phase, and anyone like the OP who leaves or considers leaving a sad, sexless marriage is wrong.

[SummerDreams]

Regardless of my points of view, we have not gotten a reply yet regarding the reason his wife started to deny sex as the years were passing. This is the key to "judging" whether someone "should" (I use quotes cause we can't judge or decide for someone rather than them decide for themselves but just to answer to autumnnight) stay or leave a sexless marriage. This point has not yet become clear. I'm wondering, why hasn't this man made it really clear to his wife that the lack of sex will lead to a divorce? Why haven't they visited a counselor? Why should this incident be sudden for the wife? And why hasn't the wife tried to understand the depth of the problem? The problem in my opinion is deeper than just the lack of sex. I see a problem of communicating feelings and emotions, and that's what I find way more important than sexual life in a marriage. I mean, I can't even imagine I live a life without communication and exchange of feelings. This is what I consider to be the most important thing and surely sex life comes way after these issues (if existant) are resolved. One thing's for sure, if my husband ever communicated to me an issue he has about our sex life, I'd be open to discuss it and I'd do my best to solve it. I'd certainly not disregard it not with the fear of him leaving but cause I love him and I consider it my greatest obligation and desire, if you will, to keep him happy. That's why I find it hard to believe that a woman could so easily be indifferent for her husband's issue of lack of sex and I want to examine first if there is a "hidden agenda" that is not being revealed to us.

[elaine567]

So what we are saying to the OP is tgat the OP shouldn't care so much about sex, the OP should realize sex is a phase, and anyone like the OP who leaves or considers leaving a sad, sexless marriage is wrong.

 

No-one is saying that.

The OP is correct, of course he should leave his sexless/duty sex/poor sex marriage. After 20 years, he is done, nothing he can do about that now IMO. Even if she decided to swing from the chandeliers, I doubt he could put all that history behind him.

There are hundreds of reasons for this situation, we cannot possibly know why this happened.

It may be solely down to her or in reality if we were to delve deeper it may be entirely due to him, it may just be a compatibility issue, personal or sexual. We are never going to find out.

He has decided he cannot live with this situation any longer and if that is the case, he is right to divorce.

No-one who is unhappy should hang onto a marriage.

[autumnnight]

OP, do you think it is possible that if you didn't have a need for something as silly as sex and if you had been a better husband, you would be happier now? I measn, I tried denying huge parts of myself and my needs for years, and it didn't work. But maybe if we weren't so shallow our spouses would have liked us better?

 

IDK, I'm still not sorry I divorced, and I don't think you will be either. You can't fix us sex maniacs.

[DKT3]

Summer, as a marriage ages life gets in the way of the intimate relationship the couple once shared. You go from eye to eye, to shoulder to shoulder as you turn your focus from one another towards kids and general life. Efforts need to be made to protect the connection. Yes, your right communication is key. However its not really that simple. Fear of rejection (of ideas and thoughts) can take a toll over the years and communication, deep and honest, can become a struggle. Things that were once important to both may become less important to one as the marriage gets long in the tooth.

 

Sure we should communicate that we want to feel desired or sexually attractive to our spouses, however if you have to ask for it is it real? OP has asked for it for years and been rejected. Enough rejection and communicating the issues will simply stop and the feelings turn to resentment.

 

No one wants to shame or guilt their partner into having an intimate relationship. BTW, this is what OP is really talking about, intimate doesn't mean sex, and this goes beyond sex. In reading his post he feels that a number of his needs aren't being met within the marriage and has concluded that she really doesn't care to meet them any longer. He is only human. Many other men would have gone looking for it elsewhere by this point.

 

I understand his desire to divorce. Is there a better way? Maybe. Sometimes you just reach your limit and the marriage is something you no longer want. Its life, no one can fault him for making this decision. No one wants to be where they don't feel wanted.

[GetSmarter]

OP, do you think it is possible that if you didn't have a need for something as silly as sex and if you had been a better husband, you would be happier now? I measn, I tried denying huge parts of myself and my needs for years, and it didn't work. But maybe if we weren't so shallow our spouses would have liked us better?

 

IDK, I'm still not sorry I divorced, and I don't think you will be either. You can't fix us sex maniacs.

If I wanted no sex? Yeah,in a great marriage. Then again, I may have joined a monastery Instead.

[autumnnight]

If I wanted no sex? Yeah,in a great marriage. Then again, I may have joined a monastery Instead.

 

Exactly. I can find a roommate anywhere. I wanted a spouse. And that means sex. I think it is time for us to stop feeling shamed for being normal.

[GetSmarter]

Regardless of my points of view, we have not gotten a reply yet regarding the reason his wife started to deny sex as the years were passing. This is the key to "judging" whether someone "should" (I use quotes cause we can't judge or decide for someone rather than them decide for themselves but just to answer to autumnnight) stay or leave a sexless marriage. This point has not yet become clear. I'm wondering, why hasn't this man made it really clear to his wife that the lack of sex will lead to a divorce? Why haven't they visited a counselor? Why should this incident be sudden for the wife? And why hasn't the wife tried to understand the depth of the problem? The problem in my opinion is deeper than just the lack of sex. I see a problem of communicating feelings and emotions, and that's what I find way more important than sexual life in a marriage. I mean, I can't even imagine I live a life without communication and exchange of feelings. This is what I consider to be the most important thing and surely sex life comes way after these issues (if existant) are resolved. One thing's for sure, if my husband ever communicated to me an issue he has about our sex life, I'd be open to discuss it and I'd do my best to solve it. I'd certainly not disregard it not with the fear of him leaving but cause I love him and I consider it my greatest obligation and desire, if you will, to keep him happy. That's why I find it hard to believe that a woman could so easily be indifferent for her husband's issue of lack of sex and I want to examine first if there is a "hidden agenda" that is not being revealed to us.

I'm not withholding an answer to your question, I simply don't have the answer. It's not from lack of trying. My wife says and maybe believes like you do, that sex doesn't matter that much and 2 or 3 times a month is enough for her and so why isn't it for me?

 

One clue I got was a while back when I came back from a business for 10 days. When I got home and embraced her, I got a raging boner. She pushed back and rolled her eyes saying "What? You're already thinking about sex?". I think to her, my desire to jump her bones was vulgar somehow since in her mind maybe she thought that we should be connecting emotianally first. I should sit and listen to gossip, news, etc. That she's wanted to share with me. Sex, I'm guessing, falls into some chore category. This was my first clue we were heading down a bad path.

 

But that's conjecture.

[Chump_No_More]

Sure we should communicate that we want to feel desired or sexually attractive to our spouses, however if you have to ask for it is it real?

 

@DKT3,

Excellent, well thought response.

 

There's a saying I'm reminded of... "Negotiated desire becomes obligated compliance". Seriously, who wants that?!?

[SummerDreams]

OP, do you think it is possible that if you didn't have a need for something as silly as sex and if you had been a better husband, you would be happier now? I measn, I tried denying huge parts of myself and my needs for years, and it didn't work. But maybe if we weren't so shallow our spouses would have liked us better?

 

IDK, I'm still not sorry I divorced, and I don't think you will be either. You can't fix us sex maniacs.

 

Oh, the irony...

 

Summer, as a marriage ages life gets in the way of the intimate relationship the couple once shared. You go from eye to eye, to shoulder to shoulder as you turn your focus from one another towards kids and general life. Efforts need to be made to protect the connection. Yes, your right communication is key. However its not really that simple. Fear of rejection (of ideas and thoughts) can take a toll over the years and communication, deep and honest, can become a struggle. Things that were once important to both may become less important to one as the marriage gets long in the tooth.

 

Yes we are totally right. I guess I'm this hopeless romantic sould who still believes I will keep the communication open at all costs throughout the years just cause I love my husband and he loves me more than his life as well.

 

Sure we should communicate that we want to feel desired or sexually attractive to our spouses, however if you have to ask for it is it real? OP has asked for it for years and been rejected. Enough rejection and communicating the issues will simply stop and the feelings turn to resentment.

 

I do not blame him and I'm sure he did his best, but I would not stop at "I asked - I got rejected - I stop resenting my spouse". This matter seems now to be really important (obviously, since it leads to a divorce) so in his shoes I'd try to make this problem in its true dimensions totally and utterly known. I'd ask for counseling, I'd ask to discuss again and again, I'd use all my ways to just make it crystal clear that there is a problem that is leading to a divorce. Maybe the OP has done this and in this case I totally agree that his wife just doesn't care.

 

No one wants to shame or guilt their partner into having an intimate relationship. BTW, this is what OP is really talking about, intimate doesn't mean sex, and this goes beyond sex. In reading his post he feels that a number of his needs aren't being met within the marriage and has concluded that she really doesn't care to meet them any longer. He is only human. Many other men would have gone looking for it elsewhere by this point.

 

I understand his desire to divorce. Is there a better way? Maybe. Sometimes you just reach your limit and the marriage is something you no longer want. Its life, no one can fault him for making this decision. No one wants to be where they don't feel wanted.

 

Of course I don't blame him. In fact I was trying to have a more general discussion about this matter, not being entirely about him.

 

I'm not withholding an answer to your question, I simply don't have the answer. It's not from lack of trying. My wife says and maybe believes like you do, that sex doesn't matter that much and 2 or 3 times a month is enough for her and so why isn't it for me?

 

If this woman was my wife I'd reply to her " Please come in my position. Lets say I deny to you discussing with me, something that makes you happy, and tell you 'oh come on, it's enough for me to talk to you once a week, why isn't it enough for you too?' "

 

One clue I got was a while back when I came back from a business for 10 days. When I got home and embraced her, I got a raging boner. She pushed back and rolled her eyes saying "What? You're already thinking about sex?". I think to her, my desire to jump her bones was vulgar somehow since in her mind maybe she thought that we should be connecting emotianally first. I should sit and listen to gossip, news, etc. That she's wanted to share with me. Sex, I'm guessing, falls into some chore category. This was my first clue we were heading down a bad path.

 

But that's conjecture.

 

If I were in her shoes, I'd be happy my man has missed me sexually but I'd still prefer to sit down and talk first and maybe later we could have sex. I know you don't like to hear this, but I do believe emotional connection comes first. Of course I realize there are women who would prefer to have the sex first after 10 days and they'd care less for the talk.

[redtail]

This matter seems now to be really important (obviously, since it leads to a divorce)

That was a well thought out response SummerDreams, really.

 

I only highlighted this due to your aversion to the fact that this lead to divorce. I once thought as you, a divorce was quite possibly the worse thing that could happen and to be avoided. When I was young.

 

But there are worse things one can do. As a marriage matures, small obstacles may arise to communications, and both partners must be open to tearing those down and maintaining a truly open, honest communication. One person can not do it by themselves. Should there come a time where the relationship is no longer salvageable, like I believe the OP's is, then the best decision, for both, even though one partner may not agree initially, is to call it quits. Life after divorce goes on, and new doors open.

[autumnnight]

I think I have probably been to passive in my posts. I do think that the choice to divorce made by the OP is a valid one.

 

And, if a woman or man has a long term partner or spouse who they KNOW higly values and has a need for sexual intimacy, and if this person unilaterally decides that sex should no longer be big deal and they are not going to indulge that need anymore....then yes, that person SHOULD fear being left. Because they have unilaterally deicded NOT to meet what they know to be a significant need of the person they profess to love. So if that person leaves the relationship due to intimacy starvation, then the withholding spouse really DOESN't have anyone to blame but themsleves.