Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[autumnnight]

Guess what....

 

She has been cheating on you for the last 20 or so years. Thats why she isn't interested. She is "getting filled" elsewhere.

 

You are just a provider to her.

 

Get out now. Divorce.

 

OR she's one of a whole sea of women who apparently think sex is silly and should be optional.

 

Either way the solution is the same - get out.

[GetSmarter]

My son, now done with exams, is off on a European trip with some friends for 6 weeks. After that, he's home for another 6 weeks before going off to college.

 

For the past week, she's been trying to go out of way to be nicer than usual. She made one of my favorite meals for dinner, and she's been doing things she never does like asking me if I want something from the kitchen when she's there. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's different than the usual. The sex has improved only marginally.

 

With the nest being empty, I realized the other night that I have no desire to be home with her at all. I don't hate her or anything like that; it's just that I would rather be on my own and doing my own thing.

 

So to make a very long story short. She was discussing the beach house again and plans she had for also changing the house we live in for something smaller but in a more upscale area. At that point, I told her that these plans were pointless because I intend to leave soon. Surprisingly, she took it very calmly but she turned immediately cold to me. I expected no less. She did say that she expected this might happen.

 

 

But the next day, she got into her angry mode. I calmly laid it all out for her. The lack of intimacy, me feeling like I'm being used, and my desire to live for myself now. She can't seem to get her mind around this at all. She's not even denying it, bud strangely enough, she tries to compare us to other people we know. "I don't see John leaving Betty even though the kids just left". She seems to still think that my feelings about the lack of intimacy in the past is my fault, my issue.

 

 

In any case, I feel lighter already. I'm leaving in September.

[SummerDreams]

I feel sorry for her. Telling her in her face that he husband only was there for the kids and her whole life and dreams being thrown to the garbage. Poor woman.

[Popsicle]

My son, now done with exams, is off on a European trip with some friends for 6 weeks. After that, he's home for another 6 weeks before going off to college.

 

For the past week, she's been trying to go out of way to be nicer than usual. She made one of my favorite meals for dinner, and she's been doing things she never does like asking me if I want something from the kitchen when she's there. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's different than the usual. The sex has improved only marginally.

 

With the nest being empty, I realized the other night that I have no desire to be home with her at all. I don't hate her or anything like that; it's just that I would rather be on my own and doing my own thing.

 

So to make a very long story short. She was discussing the beach house again and plans she had for also changing the house we live in for something smaller but in a more upscale area. At that point, I told her that these plans were pointless because I intend to leave soon. Surprisingly, she took it very calmly but she turned immediately cold to me. I expected no less. She did say that she expected this might happen.

 

 

But the next day, she got into her angry mode. I calmly laid it all out for her. The lack of intimacy, me feeling like I'm being used, and my desire to live for myself now. She can't seem to get her mind around this at all. She's not even denying it, bud strangely enough, she tries to compare us to other people we know. "I don't see John leaving Betty even though the kids just left". She seems to still think that my feelings about the lack of intimacy in the past is my fault, my issue.

 

 

In any case, I feel lighter already. I'm leaving in September.

 

Good. I hope you follow through. Many unhappy spouses never leave and just complain/brode for the rest of their lives or suffer in silence.

 

You will be much happier and freer once you are on your own.

[autumnnight]

I feel sorry for her. Telling her in her face that he husband only was there for the kids and her whole life and dreams being thrown to the garbage. Poor woman.

 

Maybe she should have treated her husband like a husband and cared a bit more about his needs.

[Popsicle]

If you do end up leaving, please don't spend the rest of your life being resentful and bitter about relationships because of your exW, because then that would be a waste and make it pointless to leave her. Might as well stay with her in that case if she continues to drive your happiness.

[Babs22]

I feel sorry for her. Telling her in her face that he husband only was there for the kids and her whole life and dreams being thrown to the garbage. Poor woman.

 

Why should he have to stay in an unhappy marriage because she might feel like her whole life and dreams was thrown in the garbage? If he stays in an unhappy marriage so she can have her beach house and move into an upscale neighborhood, wouldn't we feel sorry for him? He has not had the intimacy in their marriage he has wanted. She knew this might happen, and even said she expected it, but did nothing to change it. He stayed for the kids and did not cheat on her. I respect this. People should not stay in unhappy marriages to make the other person happy or to meet societal expectations; but he married her, he said his vows, till death do they part, etc.. She had responsibility in making this marriage a happy, loving marriage. A marriage license is not a license to take the other person for granted. He has every right to go find happiness and someone who provides the physical and emotional intimacy that has been lacking. I think it would be a far worse crime for him to keep living with someone that he doesn't really want to be around anymore, even if she would be perfectly happy because she had a beach house and an upscale neighborhood.

Good luck GetSmarter. I truly hope you find that connection with someone. Although others may not feel like it is important, it truly is.

[SummerDreams]

Why should he have to stay in an unhappy marriage because she might feel like her whole life and dreams was thrown in the garbage? If he stays in an unhappy marriage so she can have her beach house and move into an upscale neighborhood, wouldn't we feel sorry for him? He has not had the intimacy in their marriage he has wanted. She knew this might happen, and even said she expected it, but did nothing to change it. He stayed for the kids and did not cheat on her. I respect this. People should not stay in unhappy marriages to make the other person happy or to meet societal expectations; but he married her, he said his vows, till death do they part, etc.. She had responsibility in making this marriage a happy, loving marriage. A marriage license is not a license to take the other person for granted. He has every right to go find happiness and someone who provides the physical and emotional intimacy that has been lacking. I think it would be a far worse crime for him to keep living with someone that he doesn't really want to be around anymore, even if she would be perfectly happy because she had a beach house and an upscale neighborhood.

Good luck GetSmarter. I truly hope you find that connection with someone. Although others may not feel like it is important, it truly is.

 

We don't know her side of the story. I'm not sure yet what her real problem was to not care for her husband so I can't say "he is right" - "she is right". With the info I have I don't think what the OP has already said is enough to leave a marriage without trying first with councelling etc. What he did from what I have read is complain through the years, seeming like he accepted this life and one day he dropped the bomb of leaving, without warning, without giving the chance of councelling, asking her why she didn't care all these years, trying to know what she has in her mind. In my books people should try every bit they have in their marriages until they give up and the OP hasn't yet done that, from what he has explained.

[Babs22]

We don't know her side of the story. I'm not sure yet what her real problem was to not care for her husband so I can't say "he is right" - "she is right". With the info I have I don't think what the OP has already said is enough to leave a marriage without trying first with councelling etc. What he did from what I have read is complain through the years, seeming like he accepted this life and one day he dropped the bomb of leaving, without warning, without giving the chance of councelling, asking her why she didn't care all these years, trying to know what she has in her mind. In my books people should try every bit they have in their marriages until they give up and the OP hasn't yet done that, from what he has explained.

 

No, we don't have her side of the story. We only have his side. His side is, he is unhappy and he doesn't want to be with her. He wants a different type of relationship with someone. They have had over 20 years for that to happen and it didn't. I don't think it came out to the blue for her, she said she expected it. Obviously she was aware there were problems and that he wasn't happy. The time for MC was likely 10+ years ago. He is unhappy, he is done, enough said. Not every marriage should be or can be saved. If one person is done, it is unfortunate that the other person does not have the same feelings, but the unhappy party shouldn't have to stay just because the other person doesn't want it to end. I question whether she loves him at all or just loves what he provides for her. Who is to say that she cannot also find happiness and love once she is divorced?

[autumnnight]

No, we don't have her side of the story. We only have his side. His side is, he is unhappy and he doesn't want to be with her. He wants a different type of relationship with someone. They have had over 20 years for that to happen and it didn't. I don't think it came out to the blue for her, she said she expected it. Obviously she was aware there were problems and that he wasn't happy. The time for MC was likely 10+ years ago. He is unhappy, he is done, enough said. Not every marriage should be or can be saved. If one person is done, it is unfortunate that the other person does not have the same feelings, but the unhappy party shouldn't have to stay just because the other person doesn't want it to end. I question whether she loves him at all or just loves what he provides for her. Who is to say that she cannot also find happiness and love once she is divorced?

 

This is a great post, but you are probably not a woman who thinks sex is trivial and that he should just get over it. That is why you understand that no matter how less than perfect their life might have been, her unilaterally deciding not to meet his needs was wrong. Period. End of story.

[toolforgrowth]

My son, now done with exams, is off on a European trip with some friends for 6 weeks. After that, he's home for another 6 weeks before going off to college.

 

For the past week, she's been trying to go out of way to be nicer than usual. She made one of my favorite meals for dinner, and she's been doing things she never does like asking me if I want something from the kitchen when she's there. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it's different than the usual. The sex has improved only marginally.

 

With the nest being empty, I realized the other night that I have no desire to be home with her at all. I don't hate her or anything like that; it's just that I would rather be on my own and doing my own thing.

 

So to make a very long story short. She was discussing the beach house again and plans she had for also changing the house we live in for something smaller but in a more upscale area. At that point, I told her that these plans were pointless because I intend to leave soon. Surprisingly, she took it very calmly but she turned immediately cold to me. I expected no less. She did say that she expected this might happen.

 

 

But the next day, she got into her angry mode. I calmly laid it all out for her. The lack of intimacy, me feeling like I'm being used, and my desire to live for myself now. She can't seem to get her mind around this at all. She's not even denying it, bud strangely enough, she tries to compare us to other people we know. "I don't see John leaving Betty even though the kids just left". She seems to still think that my feelings about the lack of intimacy in the past is my fault, my issue.

 

 

In any case, I feel lighter already. I'm leaving in September.

 

Good news! You are breaking free! You've already detached, so this should be much easier for you than it otherwise could be.

 

As a divorced guy who was in your shoes, I can 100% attest that you WILL be happier. Taking control of your life and your happiness is liberating. You are beholden to no one except yourself.

 

To quote one of my favorite comedians:

 

"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times." - Louis CK

[autumnnight]

Good news! You are breaking free! You've already detached, so this should be much easier for you than it otherwise could be.

 

As a divorced guy who was in your shoes, I can 100% attest that you WILL be happier. Taking control of your life and your happiness is liberating. You are beholden to no one except yourself.

 

To quote one of my favorite comedians:

 

"Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times." - Louis CK

 

Amen

 

And don't worry about your ex being lonely. Shell have no trouble finding other women who don't care about sex to commiserate with over fruity drinks.

[veryhappy]

The thing is that waiting till September may not be the best thing to do. You have an angry wife who'll wonder wtf you are doing around if you want to leave, and you'll have a son in college who just left his perfect family home after 6 weeks of vacation and hears that his parents are splitting up. Good luck with your studies, bud!

 

Why not now? You can work with your wife on a timeline, you can let your kids now. Make it a process. You can't imagine you'll up and go September 1st, right?

[stoopidinlove]

GS,

 

My wife has always had an aversion to normal affection, touch. She has always said it was her and that she would be no different with anyone else. She says she enjoys sex and wants it sometimes, but only ever initiated it when she was drunk.

 

I've mostly believed that those were her issues until she asked for a trial separation recently and admitted she wasn't in love with me (I doubt she ever was, but I think that's again her issue).

 

I am an affectionate person, attractive, in shape and a very good lover. It has been hard for so many years but I love her and I am attracted to her.

 

I wonder if your wife has similar issues with intimacy. It sounds like you are past the point of reconciling or changing your outlook towards her. Whatever love you had for her has been overwhelmed by your resentment.

 

I don't have any answers as I'm going through a separation myself. For her sake though, you know her better than anyone and can be the one to encourage her to get in touch with her feelings, even if your marriage is over - it may help your relationship as ex's going forward.

[GetSmarter]

I don't think she has intimacy ot affection issues. She's affectionate enough in terms of holding hands, hugging, etc. But I think she'd be happy if it stopped there. As a result of discussing the sex issue many times, she has conceded to have sex at times. What I mean is sex starts with her saying something like "So should we have sex then?" or "We haven't had sex yet. So, do you want to?"

 

I mean this is a huge difference from our younger days. She had no problem grabbing me out of the blue and getting me worked up for sex. I could simply run my hands down her back, kiss her on the neck and that's all it took. I'm not saying that I need things to be to that level of intensity, even if that would be great, but I think that what we have now is depressing.

 

In any case, I'm finding this difficult. She seems to realize the marriage is in trouble and yet she's mad a me. She isn't wanting to discuss anything. If we do, she gets very defensive. Once I made it clear I didn't want to buy that beach house, she glared at me for 2 days.

 

It's not all her fault, I guess. I acted in a way all these years that would have suggested to her that I was willing to go on like this. I did try and keep the peace because I wanted to stay with the kids and that may have given her the wrong idea about my state of mind.

[TaraMaiden2]

I remember reading an account once (I think it was in Reader's Digest, of all places) of this couple in Canada who had been married for 27 years and were all but strangers to each other.

They had done the whole having a family thing, and brought up three kids...

 

They mutually agreed that their marriage was done with, over, finished, hung out to dry and in all ways possible, non-existent.

They were a pair of people living under the same roof, but that was it.

They both agreed that once their youngest was safely past Uni, away from home, independent and self-sufficient, they would part and go their own ways.

 

The husband had entered a competition through work, and had completely forgotten about it, but he won second prize, which was a whole stack of camping and trekking equipment, including a 2-person canoe. (They do some amazing canoes in Canada.....)

Well he and his wife decided to sell the home, give some money to the kids and to divide the rest, but first they agreed that, as they had all this fine new equipment, they'd put it to use and go on an expedition together.

 

That planning, and that trip, on their own, doing something together, for themselves and themselves alone, re-built their marriage.

 

They re-discovered the partner they'd both been attracted to all those years ago...

All the canoeing, walking, trekking and exploring made them fitter and healthier, and it kept them together.

They enjoyed the outdoor life to its fullest, and returned to civilisation, considerably downsized and bought themselves a smaller more remote home, and stuck it out.

As far as I know, they may still be together, but this was some time ago, and I haven't picked up a copy of RD for years.

 

Just thought I'd put that in though.

[tommyr]

GetSmarter,

You've said to have tried "everything" over the years. But it seems she never before saw your taillights in the driveway?

By this I mean letting her know you can't continue like this in a sex starved marriage and she can choose how this gets fixed:

1. you and wife commit to meeting each other's needs which must include a mutually satisfying sexlife

2. she is off the hook entirely for sex: you stay married but get a girlfriend

3. divorce

 

I can hear collective screams over this "ultimatum" but I advise you to read my story (it's many years ago) before responding. This cold smack of the truth was exactly what it took to snap my wife out of the "fog" of her happy peaceful world where I met all of her needs and she ignored my legitimate sexual needs.

[whenisitenough]

....The other concerning part of your post is how you paint yourself out to be the martyr in this relationship while making your wife out to be anything but ideal. Is this really fair?

 

... If you're not communicating with one another how the hell can you even begin to FIX anything? How does that become her fault?

 

If you haven't already, you owe it to your wife to at least share your feelings and give her a chance to respond before running out the door.

 

 

 

Agree. Great advice.

[Praxit]

[quote=

 

"You don't stop having sex because you get old, you get old because you stop having sex."

 

 

..that is classic and seems very true.