Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[Babs22]

Did he even notice when you left?

 

I don't think mine will, but he will feel sorry for himself and then feel "vindicated" and "freed" from this whole "have-a-wife" thing that he initially chased so hard for.

 

And he'll be a real passive-aggressive PITA about our daughter. But that's about it. I also think he'll rub any new relationship he has right in my face.

 

My daughter wants to pick some faces at the side of the board, so they may not makes sense, but here goes::)

 

Dreaming, I feel awful for you. You are definitely in a horrible relationship. I hope you find yourself able to get out of it soon. Your daughter sounds quite young and that is probably why you have stuck it out this long, but you deserve better. You will find someone someday to be the Yin to your Yang. Wishing you the strength and the courage to go forward and find your match.

[dreamingoftigers]

How is it that we were married to the same man......

Oh thank goodness I am not alone in having a husband like this.

 

I was hoping to cross paths one day with a wife that "got it."

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming, I feel awful for you. You are definitely in a horrible relationship. I hope you find yourself able to get out of it soon. Your daughter sounds quite young and that is probably why you have stuck it out this long, but you deserve better. You will find someone someday to be the Yin to your Yang. Wishing you the strength and the courage to go forward and find your match.

 

The messed up part is that I still love my husband.

 

I don't want to find someone else.

 

I don't want this wasteland of a marriage either.

 

But I really don't want to risk this again. And I am LDS. Trying to be a faithful wife and a faithful Mormon requires a bit too much faith to risk getting married again.

 

If I had to describe a marital status now, it would be "separated on his end."

 

He does not treat this like a marriage, and it has, over time, worn me out emotionally to the point where I would leave it down completely. Just be alone. It's still better than pretending that maybe one day he'll actually love me in more than just words and a cheap gesture every now and then.

 

He puts so damn little into this. Just enough to believe in faint hope. I have started to look out almost entirely for mine and my daughter's interest. He is so not invested here it is ridiculous. He's put $130 toward the house this month. If I try to talk to him about it, he will just take that away too. It's the way his family is. "We will give you crumbs, if you ask for more ..... then you get NO CRUMBS!"

 

One time we made a grocery and dinner plan together. Later that day he made dinner. I said, okay. How come we didn't go with the food plan? He blew up about how "clearly it wasn't good enough" and threw out the food. So many instances like that. So ridiculous. At least that time he put what he thought was garbage in the can.

[Stopme]

Are most of the folk participating in this post men? Me thinks yes. My husband started an EA three years ago, inherited a heap of money which he won't share and has not been intimate with me in two years. I have tried talking, attempted intimacy, suggested counselling, talked nicely, shouted horribly, bought tickets to events, arranged holidays, arranged social get togethers with others, taken care of our kids, cleaned the house. Errr, I AM THE ONE WHO IS DONE!! So why haven't I left? Simple - two little kids and no money. So there lol

[autumnnight]

Did he even notice when you left?

 

I don't think mine will, but he will feel sorry for himself and then feel "vindicated" and "freed" from this whole "have-a-wife" thing that he initially chased so hard for.

 

And he'll be a real passive-aggressive PITA about our daughter. But that's about it. I also think he'll rub any new relationship he has right in my face.

 

My daughter wants to pick some faces at the side of the board, so they may not makes sense, but here goes::)

 

Oh he niticed. I wasn't perfect, but I sure did a heck of a lot in the marriage and home, not to mention all the decisions that he had foisted on me. Firdst he tried to be sweet, then begging, crying, and claustrophobic, then nasty and threatening.

 

GS, I know this may seem of topic, but your W may well respond this way. When peopleLs neglect catches up with them, they don't like it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh he niticed. I wasn't perfect, but I sure did a heck of a lot in the marriage and home, not to mention all the decisions that he had foisted on me. Firdst he tried to be sweet, then begging, crying, and claustrophobic, then nasty and threatening.

 

GS, I know this may seem of topic, but your W may well respond this way. When peopleLs neglect catches up with them, they don't like it.

 

Typically a spouse this self-absorbed will try to shame you back into line.

 

And, oh, with a woman there will be tears. But I am sure lots of them are genuine.

 

It sounds as though your wife treats your complaint as "noise" and has gotten used to you making it.

 

Have you tried ignoring her sex-wise for a period of time? Just curious.

 

Autumnnight, I don't see him doing any of that. If he does, it might be once. Maybe. He's more than content not having me around nowadays. He doesn't like living in the new place. Hasn't even been in touch with our daughter regularly. Full custody would be a slam-dunk at this point.

 

Grass is greener where you water it. He seems to kind of overwater it for a couple weeks then leave it in the scorching heat, and it almost dies away. Then he complains about how "he tried to water the grass and it's still almost dead. Maybe we should just let it die already. Stupid grass."

 

Sigh.....

 

I realized he feels most happy in the marriage when he is not called out on taking zero responsibility for it. As long as no one asks him to put his garbage in the can, call his daughter, do something! Anything! he is happy to lie in bed until 2 or 3, watch a bunch of TV. And porn, I'm sure. Eat takeout and do as little as possible. Then he's happy, mostly, until he gets sick of the small place we live in, how little money we have, me being stressed, kid stuff, etc etc etc etc. Anything that demands the slightest amount of "give a crap."

 

I really don't see him freaking out if I closed that door completely. I just see him having another girlfriend who was lonely pretty much right away. In fact, I have suspected that may have been the case already. It's gets old. Why not just leave? Because I have become rather complacent. I basically live my own life now. I think it's called an "Emotional Divorce."

[Babs22]

The messed up part is that I still love my husband.

 

I don't want to find someone else.

 

I don't want this wasteland of a marriage either.

 

But I really don't want to risk this again. And I am LDS. Trying to be a faithful wife and a faithful Mormon requires a bit too much faith to risk getting married again.

 

If I had to describe a marital status now, it would be "separated on his end."

 

He does not treat this like a marriage, and it has, over time, worn me out emotionally to the point where I would leave it down completely. Just be alone. It's still better than pretending that maybe one day he'll actually love me in more than just words and a cheap gesture every now and then.

 

He puts so damn little into this. Just enough to believe in faint hope. I have started to look out almost entirely for mine and my daughter's interest. He is so not invested here it is ridiculous. He's put $130 toward the house this month. If I try to talk to him about it, he will just take that away too. It's the way his family is. "We will give you crumbs, if you ask for more ..... then you get NO CRUMBS!"

 

One time we made a grocery and dinner plan together. Later that day he made dinner. I said, okay. How come we didn't go with the food plan? He blew up about how "clearly it wasn't good enough" and threw out the food. So many instances like that. So ridiculous. At least that time he put what he thought was garbage in the can.

 

Dreaming,

This is awful and sounds abusive (emotionally/mentally). I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up in this environment. I do not think that a religion or even God would want people to live in a situation where they were being harmed. Having your feelings hurt all the time and feeling unloved and uncared for is not a life. I appreciate the fact that you still love your husband, although I don't understand why. Marriage should not be a trap. You made a decision, and sometimes a decision ends up being a mistake. You should not have to pay for making a mistake until the end of your days. That is ridiculous no matter what your religion or faith. I don't blame you for not getting married again. I am kinda of anti marriage myself right now. You get sucked into this social expectation and can't get out. You can find a loving relationship again though. You (and your daughter) deserve so much better.

[DKT3]

Babs, would you want your son to be in a marriage with a wife that cheats on him? Would you say your husband is trapped in a marriage with a woman that loves another man?

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreaming,

This is awful and sounds abusive (emotionally/mentally). I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up in this environment. I do not think that a religion or even God would want people to live in a situation where they were being harmed. Having your feelings hurt all the time and feeling unloved and uncared for is not a life. I appreciate the fact that you still love your husband, although I don't understand why. Marriage should not be a trap. You made a decision, and sometimes a decision ends up being a mistake. You should not have to pay for making a mistake until the end of your days. That is ridiculous no matter what your religion or faith. I don't blame you for not getting married again. I am kinda of anti marriage myself right now. You get sucked into this social expectation and can't get out. You can find a loving relationship again though. You (and your daughter) deserve so much better.

 

My church fully supports me choosing to divorce, they are aware of the situation.

 

That is not what I was applying religion to. It is the reason I cannot see myself remarrying. I would be waiting until marriage to "testdrive the libido." And honestly, it's just too much of an investment to go bust at that point.

 

You are assuming a lot about my daughter's environment. Truth is, she has gotten used to not having him around. He's mostly just not around anymore period. And when he is at this point he is civil because I have stopped (for the most part, except for the very basics) discussing any of his responsibility or the relationship with him. Because I am so checked out of it. It is not on my priority list. Neither is divorcing. It just doesn't phase me as much.

 

My grandparents are still married. They have lead separate lives with separate residences in two different countries for 40 years. He has lived with his mistress most of that time. There's no rush for me to divorce. I am not remarrying. There's no more credit to ruin. I might as well get my own self in order and enjoy my life for a little bit.

 

My plan is to start to finalize things if nothing turns around by a deadline I am not posting up here. I have already made my decision BUT I want to actually chart it and not fall back into the pattern.

[Hawaii51]

1st question.. Do you give her quick neck rubs, cook specially prepared meals, or randomly sexual favors to her?

 

Just curious..

 

 

Other than that, I kind of feel like you knew what you were getting in to when you married her. I know things dwindle and get cold, but did things start off as rather cold?

[autumnnight]

Dreaming, I'm going to be praying that God gives you peace and just showers His love on you. I know it isn't the same as love "with skin on," but maybe it will help.

 

I stayed for a long time for a lot of reasons. Then I just couldn't. This probably sounds dramatic so i apologize, but I just knew after a series of events several years ago that I would die if I stayed. Literally. I was suicidally depressed...again. I was taking 3 or 4 meds for stomach troubles, depression, anxiety, etc etc etc.

 

Within a year of separating, i was downto a low dose anti depressant. I work well in my job, maintain stable relationships with friends, family, and my children. Speak regularly with a counselor and a pastor who knows the whole story. I live within my budget, get the oil in my car changed, clean my house, laugh and talk with my kids, conduct myself c=gracefully in stressful situations, and just got a clean bill of health on a physical. Well, almost, but the one thing not resolved has nothing to do with emotions.

 

Still...I know there are people with a myopic view who cluck their tongues at my choices. I remember one person telling me my husband let me down. I was touched at their support....until they told me he should have been tougher on me.

 

Some people just don't understand, or flat don't give a damn.

[Babs22]

Babs, would you want your son to be in a marriage with a wife that cheats on him? Would you say your husband is trapped in a marriage with a woman that loves another man?

 

I would not like that. Not even sure I would like either of them to get married. I do hope they both find a loving relationship someday and that they are able to maintain that relationship. They both recognize that their father is very difficult to have an emotional relationship with. I think they actually feel sorry for me.

 

Although lack of sex is important enough for men and some woman to cry foul and want to leave a relationship. The needs I had were also not met for a long time. I never thought of divorce, just assumed that any relationship I had would be more of the same, and why would I want that? Maybe I should have expressed my needs better, but I knew he would not give them to me. I don't think he is capable. I probably would have stayed in the relationship feeling empty, but always faithful. But someone made me feel something different. Something I had stopped believing existed or if it existed it wasn't meant for me. I should have at that very moment in time divorced my husband. I didn't. Then when I was ready to do that, my son became mentally ill. I feel like we are both trapped.

 

I feel awful for my husband. I wish I had never married him. I wish he had married someone else and was living a happy life right now. He would have had different kids, not ones with problems. They would have been doctors and engineers and my husband would be proud of them. My kids would not have to feel like they are not good enough. I would not have to feel like I have ruined someone's life. I am praying that my son's situation improves soon, so my husband can move on. My oldest son is trapped in this situation too. This has happened before when my oldest was in Jr. High. He was chronically ill, missing school. I was responsible for finding answers and taking care of everything. I felt so alone. He was angry at my son because did not believe he was ill. My son still has resentments for the way his dad treated him. I had to try to protect my son from my husband. I thought that was bad. This is far worse.

 

Our relationship would have suffered anyways when my youngest son became ill. It has been more of the same. We have never dealt with difficulties together as a team. I have had to stand between the two, when my husband wanted to fight my youngest son (who has never hit anyone in his life). That image is difficult to forget. My husband is supposed to be the adult. Maybe, it would be healthier for all if my husband left and my oldest son went with him. But, my youngest desperately wants a relationship with his dad, desperately wants to feel loved by him, desperately wants his approval. I'm afraid if my husband leaves, he will have very little contact with him and that my son will blame himself. It is a mess and I am not sure what the answer is. If I stop seeing the man who makes me feel loved, my marriage would never improve. Too much resentment, too much heartache. I think someone mentioned that before.

 

The fact that I have a relationship with another man does not negate the posts I have made to Dreaming of Tigers. I feel awful for her and do believe that she deserves better. She has not cheated and is a far better person than me. She deserves to be loved and cared for and cherished.

[SummerDreams]

Interesting. So according to you, the common thread running through the hundreds of threads from men complaining about the lack of sex is that they're lousy in bed? And you even suggest that wives are yearning for new adventures in bed, but that their husbands much prefer traditional missionary? If that's so, then why don't we see an equal number of posts from women complaining about this?

 

I'm not making general assumptions about every person here complaining for the lack of sex, it's just the first question that comes to mind, I never said that's the case always. I do know that a man can make a woman want sex if he is patient and persistent enough. My advice to men would be "don't ask, just go for it". I'm not talking about violence of course, but from my experience women don't like men who ask for sex. Women have many things in their minds the whole day and they need someone to relax them first before they start considering sex for that day. You said you came back from a trip and you hugged your wife and you were turned on. It's just that easy for men, unless they have some emotional or sexual problems. A woman needs some caress first most of the times. Sweet talk, hugs, kisses etc. Most of the times my man seems to ask for sex, I'm too busy thinking of other things that need to be done. If he insists and does the things he knows turn me on, I get in the mood. This is to reply to someone earlier who was saying "how much rejection can a man take?". Is this asking for sex verbal or physical? For me it makes a huge difference.

 

@Dreaminfoftigers: A couple of days ago I asked you if you'd be OK with the partial or absolute lack of sex if you have a perfect husband and you were kind of insulted so I didn't want to explore it more. Now you admit your husband has some serious flaws. So I will reverse the question; Would you put up with his flaws if you had a satisfying sex life? What you said about your husband kind of confirms what I had said; it's hard to find a man who really cares and loves his wife, who is patient, supporting, caring and wants to make her happy. I have heard so many stories from women with crappy husbands or boyfriends so I do appreciate a good man.

Edited March 30, 2015 by SummerDreams

[autumnnight]

[ I do know that a man can make a woman want sex if he is patient and persistent enough. QUOTE]

 

Nope, not even close to accurate.

[DKT3]

I'm not making general assumptions about every person here complaining for the lack of sex, it's just the first question that comes to mind, I never said that's the case always. I do know that a man can make a woman want sex if he is patient and persistent enough. My advice to men would be "don't ask, just go for it". I'm not talking about violence of course, but from my experience women don't like men who ask for sex. Women have many things in their minds the whole day and they need someone to relax them first before they start considering sex for that day. You said you came back from a trip and you hugged your wife and you were turned on. It's just that easy for men, unless they have some emotional or sexual problems. A woman needs some caress first most of the times. Sweet talk, hugs, kisses etc. Most of the times my man seems to ask for sex, I'm too busy thinking of other things that need to be done. If he insists and does the things he knows turn me on, I get in the mood. This is to reply to someone earlier who was saying "how much rejection can a man take?". Is this asking for sex verbal or physical? For me it makes a huge difference.

 

@Dreaminfoftigers: A couple of days ago I asked you if you'd be OK with the partial or absolute lack of sex if you have a perfect husband and you were kind of insulted so I didn't want to explore it more. Now you admit your husband has some serious flaws. So I will reverse the question; Would you put up with his flaws if you had a satisfying sex life? What you said about your husband kind of confirms what I had said; it's hard to find a man who really cares and loves his wife, who is patient, supporting, caring and wants to make her happy. I have heard so many stories from women with crappy husbands or boyfriends so I do appreciate a good man.

 

And I have heard so many stories where the husband has tried everything for years and his wife is still not interested in sex. A few years ago I read a thread where the husband was in a sexless marriage, where he was lucky to get a B-day hand job. In a last ditch effort he took her on a romantic 10 day vacation to see if he could rekindle some passion. After a romantic day she kissed him on the cheek and said something like, thank you for this and went to sleep. Did the same thing a couple more times. 10 days and $1000's lead to no sexual contact. When they returned from the trip he sat her down and explained how he felt and he couldn't continue in the marriage that way. She made promises she would be better. Several months later and one hand job, he walked away and filed for divorce.

 

The part your missing is the woman doesn't get to make a unilateral decision that sex will only be on her terms and only when the husband pushes the right buttons. After years of this you get to where you don't want to make grand gesture or jump thru hoops to have his wife be attracted to him.

 

This isn't really a gender issue because their are many women in the same boat. It does seem more common with women.

[DKT3]

I would not like that. Not even sure I would like either of them to get married. I do hope they both find a loving relationship someday and that they are able to maintain that relationship. They both recognize that their father is very difficult to have an emotional relationship with. I think they actually feel sorry for me.

 

Although lack of sex is important enough for men and some woman to cry foul and want to leave a relationship. The needs I had were also not met for a long time. I never thought of divorce, just assumed that any relationship I had would be more of the same, and why would I want that? Maybe I should have expressed my needs better, but I knew he would not give them to me. I don't think he is capable. I probably would have stayed in the relationship feeling empty, but always faithful. But someone made me feel something different. Something I had stopped believing existed or if it existed it wasn't meant for me. I should have at that very moment in time divorced my husband. I didn't. Then when I was ready to do that, my son became mentally ill. I feel like we are both trapped.

 

I feel awful for my husband. I wish I had never married him. I wish he had married someone else and was living a happy life right now. He would have had different kids, not ones with problems. They would have been doctors and engineers and my husband would be proud of them. My kids would not have to feel like they are not good enough. I would not have to feel like I have ruined someone's life. I am praying that my son's situation improves soon, so my husband can move on. My oldest son is trapped in this situation too. This has happened before when my oldest was in Jr. High. He was chronically ill, missing school. I was responsible for finding answers and taking care of everything. I felt so alone. He was angry at my son because did not believe he was ill. My son still has resentments for the way his dad treated him. I had to try to protect my son from my husband. I thought that was bad. This is far worse.

 

Our relationship would have suffered anyways when my youngest son became ill. It has been more of the same. We have never dealt with difficulties together as a team. I have had to stand between the two, when my husband wanted to fight my youngest son (who has never hit anyone in his life). That image is difficult to forget. My husband is supposed to be the adult. Maybe, it would be healthier for all if my husband left and my oldest son went with him. But, my youngest desperately wants a relationship with his dad, desperately wants to feel loved by him, desperately wants his approval. I'm afraid if my husband leaves, he will have very little contact with him and that my son will blame himself. It is a mess and I am not sure what the answer is. If I stop seeing the man who makes me feel loved, my marriage would never improve. Too much resentment, too much heartache. I think someone mentioned that before.

 

The fact that I have a relationship with another man does not negate the posts I have made to Dreaming of Tigers. I feel awful for her and do believe that she deserves better. She has not cheated and is a far better person than me. She deserves to be loved and cared for and cherished.

 

Point is, whatever the marriage is should be decided by both persons in the marriage.

 

Why not be honest with your husband and allow him to also enjoy the openess of the marriage? Tell him your only there because its best for the kids to have you both in the home.

 

This has veered of course so, some other place and time. I'm not giving up on you Babs.

[dreamingoftigers]

@Dreaminfoftigers: A couple of days ago I asked you if you'd be OK with the partial or absolute lack of sex if you have a perfect husband and you were kind of insulted so I didn't want to explore it more. Now you admit your husband has some serious flaws. So I will reverse the question; Would you put up with his flaws if you had a satisfying sex life? What you said about your husband kind of confirms what I had said; it's hard to find a man who really cares and loves his wife, who is patient, supporting, caring and wants to make her happy. I have heard so many stories from women with crappy husbands or boyfriends so I do appreciate a good man.

 

Before the disappearing became an issue, as well as the addictions/cheating, I wasn't actually all that bothered by anything else.

 

I even would put the garbage in the can.

[pteromom]

So women tend to pair-bond with the decent guys that will be good providers and good father's and will be committed to them and sacrifice the fun and excitement of good sex that comes from better looking, more aggressive alpha males that will not be committed and will not be good as father's and stable providers.

 

But you can find a man who can offer it all - there are plenty of nice guys who are good providers, and who are also sexually exciting. They may not be the charismatic player types who can go pick up girls all day long, but that doesn't mean that they can't be good sexually.

 

But deep down they know that if they get frustrated enough, they can always pick up an alpha male in a bar on any night of the week. Since they have such easy access to sex, they don't value sexual compatibility in a relationship as much since its something they can always pick up if they need it.

 

As we age, most of us aren't interested in these "alpha males", nor the cheap easy sex they offer. Sure, everyone, male and female, may daydream of romance and passion without all the hassles of bills and kids and chores, but there is a big difference between that type of fantasy, and the reality of it. You said it yourself - women can get sex easily, so we don't value it. However, ALL women value true intimacy and acceptance and understanding that comes with a strong long-term relationship. That intimacy may or may not include a lot of sex, but that depends more on the specific woman and relationship than it does a theory that she "settled" for a "beta".

 

I guess it comes down to what you consider a REAL MAN. To me, a REAL MAN - what I would call an ALPHA - is a man who has integrity, honor, respect, and works to get what he wants in life. NOT a guy who is blessed with good looks and learns how to use those looks to charm the panties off women... that's just a boy to me. And I have no interest in a boy.

[shell_fish]

God I hope when I'm 50 I have bigger priorities than old person sex. Get your head out of the gutter and start working on your retirement fund, watch your cholesterol and maybe start taking a baby aspirin.

 

If you think your mediocre, duty sex is bad now, wait until you see what it's like alone, forever.

 

Good luck on dying a bitter old man alone.

 

 

Oh, please- I'm dating a 56 year old slob who can't afford an apartment, and I'm 37 and beautiful. I'd trade him for this guy in a heartbeat.

[DKT3]

Oh, please- I'm dating a 56 year old slob who can't afford an apartment, and I'm 37 and beautiful. I'd trade him for this guy in a heartbeat.

 

I guess the question is why? Why would you be dating a 56 year who can't pay rent?

[shell_fish]

Because it took me until this age to quit making stupid life decisions. I'm leaving him.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Interesting. So according to you, the common thread running through the hundreds of threads from men complaining about the lack of sex is that they're lousy in bed? And you even suggest that wives are yearning for new adventures in bed, but that their husbands much prefer traditional missionary? If that's so, then why don't we see an equal number of posts from women complaining about this?

 

OP, I haven't read through your entire thread (too much to read!), but I did read your initial post. I mean, if you've already made your decision to leave her and divorce her, then at least do it honestly and with integrity. It does suck that you've wasted what were the best years of your life sexually with mostly masturbation and receiving hand jobs and quickies. You've stated that you've done your husbandly duties of helping her with the chores around the house and doing other things for her.

 

I'd like to ask: Did you try perpetuating the romantic and sensual aspect of your marriage? Did you please her sexually and woo her during those two decades? Did you tell her occasionally and with regularity how attracted you still were to her? Did you take her on dates? Did you ever use porn during your marriage and did she ever find out about that? Did you treat her with respect and show your love (emotionally) to her most of the time during the course of your marriage? Did you help her with the child rearing but still treated her like your sexy wife or did you just regard her as the mother of your children? Did you ever cheat on her (emotionally or sexually) during ANY time of your marriage? (<~ Now be HONEST with yourself about answering these questions.)

 

I'm asking you these questions - for YOU to answer to YOURSELF - because from what you've stated in your OP that you did chores around the house, you kept yourself in decent shape and you wanted to have regular sex with her...it just doesn't make sense that she would withhold sex from you...or only give you hand jobs or quickies when she should've wanted so much MORE with you than that....and, I think it's crazy that this went on for TWENTY freakin' YEARS. I would've done something about this wayyyyyy before then! Why did you let this negative situation go on for sooo long? Because of your children? I've always thought it was foolish of people that I've heard say, "Well, I stayed in the marriage for 'the sake of our children' because I didn't want them to suffer with us getting divorced and breaking up the family..."

 

Anyways...you've made your decision. At 50 years old, you're going to have to start from scratch; but this could be a good thing for you. You'll probably end up having more sex from other women than you've ever had within your marriage and maybe you'll actually meet a woman who you're more compatible with on most of the aspects that are important to you.

 

It just boils down to the fact that, you were never compatible with your wife sexually or communication-wise. I mean wow...twenty years is a looonnggg time to suffer emotionally and sexually with someone. Just don't have a martyr-like attitude though, okay? Because you CHOSE to remain with your wife within a sexless marriage for two decades. She didn't MAKE you stay.

 

Tell her it's a no-go on buying the beachfront house and that you have something very important to talk to her about. Tell her the absolute TRUTH about WHY you're divorcing her and that there's NOTHING she can do or say to change your mind. Have this convo with her calmly and respectfully. But...just so you know...she probably (most likely) has also suffered emotionally and sexually during the course of this marriage - possibly even more than you have. With children involved, most women carry more of the burden of raising the kids, keeping a clean house, being a wife, mother, vixen and caretaker.

 

Good luck with your new life as a divorced man. Feel free to come back here to vent and express your feelings as you go about this new journey in your life.

 

 

.

[SummerDreams]

Nice questions BlackOpsZombieGirl but they are not to be answered from the OP. I have already asked these questions but the only rrply I got was a general "I have done all efforts needed" and that is all. Maybe the OP (and all men in sexless marriages) feel weird questioning their sexual abilities. It is a hard thing to consider that it may be the cause of their wives quitting sex.

[GetSmarter]

OP, I haven't read through your entire thread (too much to read!), but I did read your initial post. I mean, if you've already made your decision to leave her and divorce her, then at least do it honestly and with integrity. It does suck that you've wasted what were the best years of your life sexually with mostly masturbation and receiving hand jobs and quickies. You've stated that you've done your husbandly duties of helping her with the chores around the house and doing other things for her.

 

I'd like to ask: Did you try perpetuating the romantic and sensual aspect of your marriage? Did you please her sexually and woo her during those two decades? Did you tell her occasionally and with regularity how attracted you still were to her? Did you take her on dates? Did you ever use porn during your marriage and did she ever find out about that? Did you treat her with respect and show your love (emotionally) to her most of the time during the course of your marriage? Did you help her with the child rearing but still treated her like your sexy wife or did you just regard her as the mother of your children? Did you ever cheat on her (emotionally or sexually) during ANY time of your marriage? (<~ Now be HONEST with yourself about answering these questions.)

 

I'm asking you these questions - for YOU to answer to YOURSELF - because from what you've stated in your OP that you did chores around the house, you kept yourself in decent shape and you wanted to have regular sex with her...it just doesn't make sense that she would withhold sex from you...or only give you hand jobs or quickies when she should've wanted so much MORE with you than that....and, I think it's crazy that this went on for TWENTY freakin' YEARS. I would've done something about this wayyyyyy before then! Why did you let this negative situation go on for sooo long? Because of your children? I've always thought it was foolish of people that I've heard say, "Well, I stayed in the marriage for 'the sake of our children' because I didn't want them to suffer with us getting divorced and breaking up the family..."

 

Anyways...you've made your decision. At 50 years old, you're going to have to start from scratch; but this could be a good thing for you. You'll probably end up having more sex from other women than you've ever had within your marriage and maybe you'll actually meet a woman who you're more compatible with on most of the aspects that are important to you.

 

It just boils down to the fact that, you were never compatible with your wife sexually or communication-wise. I mean wow...twenty years is a looonnggg time to suffer emotionally and sexually with someone. Just don't have a martyr-like attitude though, okay? Because you CHOSE to remain with your wife within a sexless marriage for two decades. She didn't MAKE you stay.

 

Tell her it's a no-go on buying the beachfront house and that you have something very important to talk to her about. Tell her the absolute TRUTH about WHY you're divorcing her and that there's NOTHING she can do or say to change your mind. Have this convo with her calmly and respectfully. But...just so you know...she probably (most likely) has also suffered emotionally and sexually during the course of this marriage - possibly even more than you have. With children involved, most women carry more of the burden of raising the kids, keeping a clean house, being a wife, mother, vixen and caretaker.

 

Good luck with your new life as a divorced man. Feel free to come back here to vent and express your feelings as you go about this new journey in your life.

 

 

.

You've painted a picture of someone else's life, not mine. Whoever that poor woman is you refer to, I feel sorry for her.

[GetSmarter]

Nice questions BlackOpsZombieGirl but they are not to be answered from the OP. I have already asked these questions but the only rrply I got was a general "I have done all efforts needed" and that is all. Maybe the OP (and all men in sexless marriages) feel weird questioning their sexual abilities. It is a hard thing to consider that it may be the cause of their wives quitting sex.

No. It's not that. It's that the questions are so obvious. Mostly they're not questions, but veiled accusations of falling short which could be summed up like this:

ex: "Are you sure you didn't get drunk every night after coming back from strip clubs, beat her, and then puke all over the nice dinner she made you as she was trying to raise your children, you small puckered scumbag? "

 

I mean of course I was romantic with her. We went on dates, dinners, exotic trips, etc. Yes, I told her how "hot" she is. And she did not have to clean house (we have a cleaning lady). I always cooked breakfast and I cook all meals on weekends - not complaining, I like cooking. Also I didn't stay with the kids out of a sense of duty so as "not to see them suffer" as the previous poster stated. I stayed because I love them and I wanted to see them every day; not Wednesdays and every other weekend. I shared equally in taking care of the kids: I got up as many times at night or possibly more to change diapers and soothe them back to sleep. No, I didn't cheat and yes I used porn. She knew it and didn't care. In the past she enjoyed renting porn for us to watch together.

 

Was I always an ideal husband? I don't know. Looking back I think I did ok. It's not like she told me that something was missing or that she wanted something else. To be honest, I think she has been rather content in the marriage unless I completely misread her. She hasn't had to worry about finances, the kids are great, she's always done low paying jobs glamor jobs because she likes it, she has a great circle of friends, etc. I mean how bad can I be? She wants to share a beachfront place with me Besides. She's not a shy person. If there's something she's not pleased with, she's never had a problem letting me know - trust me on this.