Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[oldshirt]

Romance/sexuality are what makes our special someone 'special.'

 

 

Marriage is to provide a secure and stable home for the raising of children.

 

 

She was likely never attracted to you or desired you romantically/sexually but coughed up a HJ and layed there and let you masturbate with her body every now and then("duty sex") to keep you around for the kids and pay the bills.

 

 

She did her "duty" and you did yours by sticking around and paying the bills and supporting your children.

 

 

Now the children are gone and she is wanting you to buy HER a beach house???

 

 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I think I just laughed so hard some of my morning coffee just came out my nose LOL

 

 

I am somewhat in agreement with Spanz but I say get the beach house, but do it after the divorce. get it for yourself and use it to entertain women that actually want to get funky with you.

 

 

Get the divorce. You don't have to be bitter or cruel or unfair. Keep it civil and amicable and fair but just get out and then go do what you've always wanted but weren't able to because you were yoked to a dead-fish wife and kids.

 

 

Free yourself and start your new life. you are not guaranteed of finding true love or even hot, nasty sex but you are guaranteed of not finding any of that with her. She's had decades to make good on her promises and she has shown you how it's going to be.

 

 

Drop the dead weight and move on with your life. She's had a good life of child-rearing in a stable home and it's only cost her a few HJs and a few quickies here and there. She has no room to bitch. Once you're gone she will probably even find some guy that actually lights her fire as well and she will be happy and won't need to buy beach houses to make her feel fulfilled.

 

 

The kids are out of the house. you have done your job. now you can do what you want, with who you want.

Edited March 15, 2015 by oldshirt

[Majormisstep]

Sex may not be that important in a relationship...until you don't have it anymore. Then it becomes really important, really fast. When stbxh and I were dating in our early 20's, I wanted to be intimate twice a week, well, more if I could. He called me a nympho (wtf?). Anyway, it kinda went downhill from there but I married him anyway thinking I could do without that portion of our relationship. Wrong!

 

If your 80/20 switched - meaning 80% of your M was good and comfortable and the 20% was what you would like in a life partner - then it may be time to respectably end the M.

[redtail]

Sex may not be that important in a relationship...until you don't have it anymore.

 

Very true, my favorite quote:

"Sex is only 5% of a relationship, but if that 5% isn't there, the other 95% doesn't matter." - Woody Allen

[oldshirt]

Very true, my favorite quote:

"Sex is only 5% of a relationship, but if that 5% isn't there, the other 95% doesn't matter." - Woody Allen

 

yes, it is a critical component of a relationship. There may be other things that are just as critical but if it isn't there, it's not a full relationship and people have a need for that special relationship in their lives.

 

 

Dr Laura Schlesinger used to refer to men as very simple machines that function efficiently with minimal maintenance. All they need is a few drops of oil every day to run fine for many years and that sexuality is that oil. As long as they get those few drops of oil they are content and happy and willing to do what they can to make everything else run smoothly.

 

 

But if they don't get those few drops of oil every day things break down really bad very fast.

[pteromom]

Sex isn't a priority for all of us. And if she just isn't into it, no amount of housework or keeping yourself in shape or favors is going to put her in the mood. So that isn't your "fault" and there may have been nothing you could have done on that front.

 

But her selfishness sounds like it runs much deeper than just sex. Won't run to the store to get you something? Won't rub your neck? She sounds like maybe she is just a self-centered person.

[Lion Heart]

Dr Laura Schlesinger used to refer to men as very simple machines that function efficiently with minimal maintenance. All they need is a few drops of oil every day to run fine for many years and that sexuality is that oil. As long as they get those few drops of oil they are content and happy and willing to do what they can to make everything else run smoothly.

 

 

But if they don't get those few drops of oil every day things break down really bad very fast.

 

You could replace "men" for "women" in that quote. Some women want, need or crave sex as well.

 

Lion Heart.

[oldshirt]

You could replace "men" for "women" in that quote. Some women want, need or crave sex as well.

 

Lion Heart.

 

Some women have a higher need for sex than others. However women have a long laundry list of needs and requirements and expectations. Romance/sexuality is just one of many and it is something that many women end up sacrificing for their other wants and needs.

 

A woman can go literally years and years without a satisfying Sexlife and she will do it for the "other" things the relationship can provide.

 

Men really can't. At least without some serious break downs in other areas of their life or in other areas of the relationship.

 

Women have a very long list of requirements and can live a long time without a serious breakdown if the sexual component isn't there.

 

Men have a very short list of other requirements and will breakdown if the sexuality isn't there.

[oldshirt]

..... Another way to look at this is if a woman was told she could marry a man that would love her and be devoted to here and would provide well for her and her children and he would be well respected in the community and would treat her well ...........but he would be a complete dud in bed and she would never be satisfied with the sex in their marriage - many women would,and do, say "OK. Deal".

 

No self respecting man would ever agree to that upfront.

[redtail]

..... Another way to look at this is if a woman was told she could marry a man that would love her and be devoted to here and would provide well for her and her children and he would be well respected in the community and would treat her well ...........but he would be a complete dud in bed and she would never be satisfied with the sex in their marriage - many women would,and do, say "OK. Deal". ....

 

While true, this never ceases to amaze me!

[Anderlie]

..... Another way to look at this is if a woman was told she could marry a man that would love her and be devoted to here and would provide well for her and her children and he would be well respected in the community and would treat her well ...........but he would be a complete dud in bed and she would never be satisfied with the sex in their marriage - many women would,and do, say ok deal

 

I have to agree with this in the case of one of my friends at least. Constantly complained how much of a dud future husband was in the sack and a mere 6 weeks after the wedding she was in front of me in a coffee shop wondering what she'd done. The guy doesn't even treat her as well as you described but he has a great job and since he knocked her up quickly despite apparently not being sure where it even goes she's satisfied for now.

[oldshirt]

..... Another way to look at this is if a woman was told she could marry a man that would love her and be devoted to here and would provide well for her and her children and he would be well respected in the community and would treat her well ...........but he would be a complete dud in bed and she would never be satisfied with the sex in their marriage - many women would,and do, say "OK. Deal".

 

No self respecting man would ever agree to that upfront.

 

My personal thoughts in this are women can get sex anywhere, any time and pretty much from anyone so it's a cheap and abundant resource for them. Where as having someone that's good to them, committed to them, good privider, good social status etc etc etc is much harder to find and secure.

So when they do find a good beta provider and someone that is grandmother-approved they take it. And since they know they can get the sex anywhere if they ever truly need it, they marry they beta provider.

They are willing to sacrifice the sexuality for the other beta support things.

 

Then several years later we hear from the H that they have crappy sex a few times a year and he thinks she is asexual but then he finds an email or a txt and realizes she's been having hot porno sex with some OM for the last six months.

 

She knew all along that she could get the stud at work or from the coed softball team when she really needed it so she settled for the beta provider for the full time child care assistance and roof over their heads.

[Panda9080]

I admire your courage an determination

.

 

Things won't change as she won't change, never! that is her nature, it will be remain the same as you already know.

 

It will be tough before you can see the rewards, but "no pain, no gain". You still have many years left of your life, pls do not waste. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you let chance and momentum slip through. No possession or materials can make you happy.

 

Have you ever read this " As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do. - Zachary Scott"?

 

Best of luck

[autumnnight]

My personal thoughts in this are women can get sex anywhere, any time and pretty much from anyone so it's a cheap and abundant resource for them. Where as having someone that's good to them, committed to them, good privider, good social status etc etc etc is much harder to find and secure.

So when they do find a good beta provider and someone that is grandmother-approved they take it. And since they know they can get the sex anywhere if they ever truly need it, they marry they beta provider.

They are willing to sacrifice the sexuality for the other beta support things.

 

Then several years later we hear from the H that they have crappy sex a few times a year and he thinks she is asexual but then he finds an email or a txt and realizes she's been having hot porno sex with some OM for the last six months.

 

She knew all along that she could get the stud at work or from the coed softball team when she really needed it so she settled for the beta provider for the full time child care assistance and roof over their heads.

 

As a woman I find this view of us as a gender so offensive I can't really respond fully. It makes me sad when I find out women are married to men who believe this kind of stuff.

[road]

As a woman I find this view of us as a gender so offensive I can't really respond fully. It makes me sad when I find out women are married to men who believe this kind of stuff.

 

 

 

 

How is it offensive that women can get sex easier then men? It is a fact.

 

 

Men want Jennifer Aniston, they can't get her they settle for the best that they can get. That does not mean they are not genuinely in love and do not find their wives attractive.

 

 

Women want George Clooney, they can't get him they settle for the best that they can get. That does not mean they are not genuinely in love and do not find their husbands attractive.

[apeman101]

Your wife has been playing her hypergamic role. You are a good husband and have taken care of your obligations as a good father and husband. Unfortunately women dont give a damn about you. They can with hold sex just because they can do it. She has taken you for granted and no longer considers her obligations to have sex with you. Think about it, you have been a good husband and provider for your children. Why does she have to provide you with sex. This is how a womans brain operates and nothing can be done to change it.

 

You should totally get a divorce and than buy the house after the divorce.If you are working out and staying fit and have money, you should find a hot 21 year old in no time

 

She simply doesnt respect you enough. When women dont respect you, they dont feel that have to have sex with you.

[toolforgrowth]

As a woman I find this view of us as a gender so offensive I can't really respond fully. It makes me sad when I find out women are married to men who believe this kind of stuff.

 

I didn't get the impression that he was saying all women are like that. Look, I have no qualms about pointing out double standards or the crazy things women can do; I've been on the receiving end and witnessed it myself many times, sometimes by women on this very board. But I would never say that all women are like that, because the fact is they aren't. Some are wonderful!

 

But it is undeniable that there are indeed women out there like that. That doesn't mean you are like that, or even that the vast majority of women are like that. But to say that literally NO woman has ever, or will ever, consciously behave that way, would be completely false.

 

Some women have a bad habit of believing that when a guy attacks a certain kind of woman, he's attacking ALL women. That is categorically false. An attack on $hitty women is an attack on $hitty women only. If you are not $hitty, then you have no reason to take offense.

[autumnnight]

How is it offensive that women can get sex easier then men? It is a fact.

 

 

Men want Jennifer Aniston, they can't get her they settle for the best that they can get. That does not mean they are not genuinely in love and do not find their wives attractive.

 

 

Women want George Clooney, they can't get him they settle for the best that they can get. That does not mean they are not genuinely in love and do not find their husbands attractive.

 

You have no idea how all women think. And women "getting sex easier" is obviously not what I found offensive. What I find offensive is that all of us trap some poor nice guy with the intention of screwing half the town.

 

Any man who views women this way needs to be single because he obviously doesn't respect his wife - who is a woman.

[dichotomy]

I once asked my wife why she happily put out "more" (sexual acts, passion) sexually for new casual men she dated then for me her amazing good husband and man of her dreams. Her response, "because it was expected". Well I expected it in marriage. we had a year of therapy where our female therapist, agreed and basically told her she had it backwards.

 

OP you have completed your obligations and commitments as a good man, husband, and father. I trust you when you say this, and that you tried many times to talk about your needs, while taking care of hers. Your kids are grown and on their own, you can afford to leave. So leave and get your needs met for now and date where healthy passionate sex "is expected".

 

50 is nothing. I can out run, out fight, out bench press, and out sex my 35 year old self.

Edited March 25, 2015 by dichotomy

[apeman101]

You have no idea how all women think. And women "getting sex easier" is obviously not what I found offensive. What I find offensive is that all of us trap some poor nice guy with the intention of screwing half the town.

 

Any man who views women this way needs to be single because he obviously doesn't respect his wife - who is a woman.

 

I dont think women are consciously thinking through when they marry the nice guy. She is settling and this is a recipe for disaster. They are rationalizing that they are getting older or he is the best she can get at that point of time.

 

Its like asking a man why he is not attracted to a fat ugly woman.

[GetSmarter]

Many of you pretty much nailed it. Now don't get me wrong; my wife is not a bad person, really. But the fact is, she was a completely uninhibited sexual partner with me until shortly after the marriage and became a "missionary only" person soon after the birth of our daughter. And it wasn't just the sex. She'd give me great backrubs for no reason, she'd say nice things to me quite often.

 

I guess when I was young and we got married, I naively expected that our levels of intimacy and sexual bliss would continue. I believe there is some truth to what some of the posters here have suggested: that once us men get married, some wives lose the sense of respect they had for their spouses back when they were only one bad argument from leaving for good. Once we had our 2 kids and a mortgage, I'm pretty sure she thought the ties that bound me to her through the children made it so she no longer had to try. And she really really didn't.

 

I get it. It is what it is. If she truly felt that sex was no longer important to her, then I'd hate for her to spend 20 years pretending. But now that the nest is soon to be empty, and we've done our jobs, I find it laughable that she doesn't see that the jig is up. Did she not think I noticed how far our relationship has gone from us being lovers? Does she really think I'm that much of a chump that I would tie up my resources for some beach house where she can continue to neglect me and nag me on weekends? Can't she see that I have a choice now?

 

The sad thing is, that if she really was that calculating, she really didn't have to have that much sex with me to keep me happy all these years. Right now, I'm actually counting the days.

[apeman101]

If you have talked to divorced woman and ask them why they got divorced. Some of them will say "THE LOVE WAS GONE". There is no reason for you to stick around when you have done your job as a father and husband. You don't get another chance to live and you should live your life to the fullest. Anything else is just garbage.

 

Marriage gave her the trump card that you couldn't walk away. She took you for granted. She can do anything she wants ( aka have sex on her terms) because you cant walk away.

 

She has nothing to gain because you have already provided everything she wanted to her. You have been a great provider for her and your kids. She is not obligated to do anything for you. She simply has not held up her part of marriage contract.

 

Women get more benefits from marriage than men. In future marriage contracts should be sold with expiry dates for 2 years, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years and 15 years.

[oldshirt]

You have no idea how all women think. And women "getting sex easier" is obviously not what I found offensive. What I find offensive is that all of us trap some poor nice guy with the intention of screwing half the town.

 

Any man who views women this way needs to be single because he obviously doesn't respect his wife - who is a woman.

 

I think you've completely misunderstood what I was saying.

 

I didn't once use the word "trap" nor did I imply that anyone had any intentions of screwing half the town.

 

It's really about values. People don't value what is cheap and abundant. They tend to value that which is scarce and harder to obtain.

 

People living in the desert don't try to hold on to sand and Eskimos don't pay much for ice.

 

A woman can get sex anywhere, anytime and from basically anyone.....as long as she doesn't ask for anything more. But what women do find challenging is finding someone that will be committed and devoted to her, will be a good provider and good father etc etc etc etc.

 

A woman can screw an entire football team of alpha males without any effort any day of the week. However she will be very hard pressed to get one to commit to her and support her and her children in a decent manner.

 

So women tend to pair-bond with the decent guys that will be good providers and good father's and will be committed to them and sacrifice the fun and excitement of good sex that comes from better looking, more aggressive alpha males that will not be committed and will not be good as father's and stable providers.

 

But deep down they know that if they get frustrated enough, they can always pick up an alpha male in a bar on any night of the week. Since they have such easy access to sex, they don't value sexual compatibility in a relationship as much since its something they can always pick up if they need it.

[oldshirt]

......perhaps another way to explain it is to look at the opposite in men.

 

Men don't have as easy access to sex as women and so there for they tend to value sexual compatibility more and sexual compatibility is higher or their priority scale.

 

Men however have abundant access to friendships, stability, security, companionship etc etc so they aren't looking for those things as much as a woman.

 

If a guy has a good income and a good house and a reliable car and some social status, he could pretty much find some single mother with young kids to live with him every day of the week as long as he was just looking for "friendship" and companionship and didn't put any sexual stipulations on it.

 

This is why guys have to be so careful and on the lookout for being used for support or for being friendzoned.

 

Women looking for "friends" that will help them are a dime a dozen.

[autumnnight]

I do not like the idea that people use their wife or the few divorcees they have talked to to generalize an entire gender. MAYBE I could have gotten or could get sex anywhere I wanted. BUT unlike an alley cat (or apparently a lot of men), I am not singularly motivated by the hormones that meet between my legs. In other words, just because I might be able to find tons of random faceless people to roll around with does NOT mean that is what I want or would ever want.

 

When I married, I married a man I loved with all my heart, who I found very attractive, who I respected, and who, to be candid, I could not WAIT to finally get naked with. Oh my gosh when he put his hand on my back or leaned in for a kiss I got dizzy.

 

I do believe that he loved me in his way. He felt comfortable with me. I would be a good help and partner for him in his chosen profession. I was a good nice girl. And because I was a 20 something year old religious virgin and because we never actually talked about sex, he probably thought it was not on my radar like it wasn't on his. So in my case HE was the one who married the safe bet.

 

Shall I now extrapolate that all men marry a woman they think will be safe and not ask anything of them because men are selfish and lazy?

 

We have a man whose wife was crappy and a man who has sworn off women and a couple of men who became jaded by the time puberty wore off. Not sure their experiences are a representative sampling of all women.

[oldshirt]

......perhaps another way to explain it is to look at the opposite in men.

 

Men don't have as easy access to sex as women and so there for they tend to value sexual compatibility more and sexual compatibility is higher or their priority scale.

 

Men however have abundant access to friendships, stability, security, companionship etc etc so they aren't looking for those things as much as a woman.

 

If a guy has a good income and a good house and a reliable car and some social status, he could pretty much find some single mother with young kids to live with him every day of the week as long as he was just looking for "friendship" and companionship and didn't put any sexual stipulations on it.

 

This is why guys have to be so careful and on the lookout for being used for support or for being friendzoned.

 

Women looking for "friends" that will help them are a dime a dozen.

 

Maybe a more concise way to word this is men will often latch on a woman that he has very good sexual chemistry with over other women that are are nicer and he has more in common with because sexual chemistry is harder to obtain for a man than overall compatibility and common interests etc.

 

He'll opt for the hot chick that he has good sexual chemistry with because that is more scarce instead of the friendship factors which are more abundant.