Resentful about so many years of crappy sex

[veryhappy]

You are in the wrong forum. People around here want to see a marriage saved at all costs. That's why they are turning on you, although you seem to be a good guy who makes good money, helps around the house and doesn't ask for anything outrageous. Feel free to read that "to wives" thread.

 

 

I strongly advice you to seek individual counseling, and also cannot stress this enough: don't cheat. Do not cheat. If you haven't, I congratulate you for being such a good husband.

 

 

Your wife seems to be in the happily married camp, so I suspect she won't say yes to the divorce. I can almost see her first argument: do you want to give up now when we'll be empty nesters and we'll have all the time and the space in the world to fool around? It's up to you how much you try and how much time you give it. Don't involve someone else until you are divorced.

[SycamoreCircle]

Studies identify the moment when the children leave as a major turning point in a relationship. My sister, married for over 30 years, told me that her husband really stepped up when it happened. I can't help but feel that your resolve to terminate something that doesn't really sound that bad comes off more as selfishness than a desperate fight for happiness. I also think that divorce seriously affects older children, and adult children.

 

Since this is a critical juncture, why not be the mature adult and step up to the plate?

[alphamale]

good luck GS

[redtail]

My word of advice would be see a lawyer and get your finances in order, hell hath on fury and all that!

OP, you may have thought of this already, but it needs to be emphasized. Get things in order, be ready, then go for it.

 

I didn't want to list 20 years worth of détails.

I believe you, not every relationship has promise. Great, you had kids together, let that be the success of the marriage. Now, call it over and done, and take care of you while you still can. Good for you for making a tough decision.

 

Best of luck to you!

[HereNorThere]

God I hope when I'm 50 I have bigger priorities than old person sex. Get your head out of the gutter and start working on your retirement fund, watch your cholesterol and maybe start taking a baby aspirin.

 

If you think your mediocre, duty sex is bad now, wait until you see what it's like alone, forever.

 

Good luck on dying a bitter old man alone.

[redtail]

God I hope when I'm 50 I have bigger priorities than old person sex.

 

Don't knock unless you've tried it. I'm 59, on my second marriage and I am thoroughly enjoying my "old person sex".

 

"You don't stop having sex because you get old, you get old because you stop having sex."

[Josmatjes]

My wife called me today and was all excited about some beachfront apartment she saw. She wants us to buy it for vacations and such.

 

Now here I am .. I just turned 50. My youngest is going to college this year and I guess I just realized that I'm no longer bound to her.

 

The last 20 years has been a long series of quickies and 3 minutes handjobs every 3-4 weeks. In between, I spent my prime sexual years mostly masturbating to get off. Now that I'm 50, my drive is still good, but it's not what it was.

 

I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track. I was exemplary with chores around the house, I was attentive to her emotional needs as far as I could anticipate them, and even if I do say so myself - I've kept myself in outstanding shape (although that was more for me).

 

On the other hand, I look back and I can hardly remember a time that she spontaneously gave me a neck rub, or cooked something just for me as opposed to all of us, and certainly not even attempting to do something special for me sexually (yeah, I have a minor kink or two).

 

But when she asked me to buy a beachfront place today - my immediate reaction was annoyance. I realized then that I feel resentful. I have decided to leave her. There is absolutely nothing she can do now to change anything because the past cannot be changed.

 

I have no questions. I just wanted to rant a bit. Thanks.

 

My marriage is similar to yours except I'm a woman. He's never wanted sex, and I always thought it weird buti guess everyone's different. I on the other hand am 45 and in my prime now and now after 22 years together he wants me but I harbor so much resentment towards how he always made me feel that I don't know. My kids are getting older and I'm wondering where life is going to take me. I don't know if I believe people can change, they say when people show you who they are..believe them....

[Josmatjes]

I can't believe what I'm reading <sigh>

 

 

I did offer this in my first post:

 

 

"I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track."

 

 

I didn't want to list 20 years worth of détails. But trust me when I tell you that I spoke with her many times about this. Almost every conversation was like starting from scratch. She would act as though she heard it all for the first time, promise to make things better .. and then nothing. Or other times, I can see she would get annoyed .. so as of the" last year or so I stopped dicussing it.

 

 

I've done a great deal for her and always have. Even stupid stuff. The other day, my son ate the last of the tangerines. She started pouting in a playful way and asked if I would go to the store and get her some more. She asked nicely. I got in the car and got her some more. I do things like this all the time. I think I treat her well, respectfully, and lovingly - but I guarantee you she'd never run to the store to get me something just because I ask her for it.

 

 

That said, she might disagree with everything I wrote above. But that would be a surprise to me because she's rarely, if ever asked my to change my behavior regarding her. If she had, I like to think that I would take her desires to heart and do something.

 

I understand totally!

 

You can only beat a dead horse so long!! I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I've tried to talk to my husband about our sex life and he agrees than does nothing.

People on here act like their coming up with a new concept or something to talk to your spouse about it! Like I never tried that....

 

Of course they may view things differently but life is too short.... I'm here trying to work it out for now but I know in my heart it's never going to change cause sex has always sucked with him!

[Josmatjes]

God I hope when I'm 50 I have bigger priorities than old person sex. Get your head out of the gutter and start working on your retirement fund, watch your cholesterol and maybe start taking a baby aspirin.

 

If you think your mediocre, duty sex is bad now, wait until you see what it's like alone, forever.

 

Good luck on dying a bitter old man alone.

 

Who are you to judge? He stayed faithful and married yet wasn't happy. Life is too short, you can't force happiness. And at least if he is alone he can date and maybe meet someone who is more compatable to him.

And by the way 50 isn't old!!!

[scatterd]

Have you ever caressed her and told her how beautiful she is.You know it takes longer to work a woman up. You probably have not been good sex for her either.She is thinking of a way to fix it and your resentful mad and going to dump her after 20 years.Its not all you think it is out there also.

[idoltree]

Getsmarter,

 

I am with you. Do not buy a beach apartment and play into the happy family PR push that your wife is buying into. You have enabled this for far too long, and you've set yourself up as a result (more on this below). If leaving is what you want, don't create further ties that will need to be severed. Do know that there are a few implications that you're not thinking about that you need to prepare yourself for.

 

As others have mentioned, going along in a marriage and acting like everything is fine means that when you leave it will appear "out of the blue" to everyone but you. This will allow your wife to plant herself firmly in the victim role, and guess who the children are going to side with? Keeping silent and then leaving will mean your children will view you as the bad guy, and, depending on how manipulative your wife is, and depending on how honest and open your relationship with your children is, they may become estranged from you.

 

If you have not done enough to express dissatisfaction, then you will be painted as the bad guy post-haste. Even if you tell the kids, now that they are adults, that you have been unhappy for years, they will want to know if you even tried to fix it before you decided to leave their mother. This is a make it or break it moment.

 

So, have you tried to fix it? It sounds like you have kept your unhappiness silent, thinking of yourself as a martyr who would sacrifice "for the kids". And with the way this has set up, you may lose relationships with those same children. And if you have not told your wife that you have been sacrificing your needs for the sake of stability for years, and that has left you empty and resentful, she doesn't have enough information to try to fix it.

 

In an adult relationship, you need to give the partner a heads up that you are really unhappy, what you are unhappy about, and that you are thinking of leaving so they know it is serious and can attempt to fix those things that make you unhappy. Indeed, maybe it is too far gone and your wife will never be able to fix it. But that doesn't mean that not giving her that notice is fair.

 

With this in mind, would you be open to a round of marriage counseling and acknowledging your unhappiness to others instead of just up and leaving one day? Because having the people close to you in your life observe you as "unhappy but trying to fix it" and then deciding to leave will help prevent the triangulation that is about to happen in your family. You need to take steps to prevent your wife from casting herself as the victim. People need to know that your needs were ignored for 20 years, and you went on auto-pilot as a result. You were there, but you weren't there. People don't automatically know this stuff and therefore they may sympathize with your wife when you leave her.

 

Because of these reasons I think you need to have some time where your wife, your kids, your parents, and your close friends know that your marriage is in trouble but that you are going to attempt to fix it. Then, if you still want to leave, leave. Surely you can put in another few months in order to keep your relationship with your children intact.

 

And I agree with others that your anger and resentment don't point toward the detachment you present yourself as having. You do still care, even if it's negative caring (focused on being angry because those you love have not met your needs). The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

[autumnnight]

OP, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I do not believe your need for the one thing that separates marriage from every other relationship is shallow. I made the difficult choice to and an empty, sexless, painful marriage, and I do not regret it. It was hard, but I KNOW it was the right choice.

[sandylee1]

God I hope when I'm 50 I have bigger priorities than old person sex. Get your head out of the gutter and start working on your retirement fund, watch your cholesterol and maybe start taking a baby aspirin.

 

If you think your mediocre, duty sex is bad now, wait until you see what it's like alone, forever.

 

Good luck on dying a bitter old man alone.

 

Why do you think he won't be able to find someone else?

[Art_Critic]

food for thought.. I happen to have a family member that while newly married they bought a lake house, her husband made this house the home of his dreams.. only he was building it for him.. without her, so when they divorced he kept the lake house and she got the other..

Without her and her income he would never have been able to pull it off..

 

Maybe your wife is sitting in your marriage in the same spot you are and she thought of a way to make sure she had a home after the divorce to retire to.

 

Personally.. I think you should talk this out with your wife.. with or without professional help and let the cards fall where they may, get your feelings out in the open.

[spanz1]

actually I think you SHOULD by that beachfront house.

 

 

Just don't tell your wife about it!

[autumnnight]

OP, I know it is frustrating. You have said, quoted, and repeated that you did everything you could think of, talked, worked, tried, etc.

 

The go to advice when your personhood has been just about shattered by being refused from the only person from whom you can ethically get intimacy is:

 

Well, you should try harder and talk to them.

 

Like we haven't thought of that one in 2 decades....

 

Marriage was not meant to be a platonic relationship. You have tried for decades. There is no reason to jump through more hoops that have already proven not to work.

[Lion Heart]

My wife called me today and was all excited about some beachfront apartment she saw. She wants us to buy it for vacations and such.

 

Now here I am .. I just turned 50. My youngest is going to college this year and I guess I just realized that I'm no longer bound to her.

 

The last 20 years has been a long series of quickies and 3 minutes handjobs every 3-4 weeks. In between, I spent my prime sexual years mostly masturbating to get off. Now that I'm 50, my drive is still good, but it's not what it was.

 

I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track. I was exemplary with chores around the house, I was attentive to her emotional needs as far as I could anticipate them, and even if I do say so myself - I've kept myself in outstanding shape (although that was more for me).

 

On the other hand, I look back and I can hardly remember a time that she spontaneously gave me a neck rub, or cooked something just for me as opposed to all of us, and certainly not even attempting to do something special for me sexually (yeah, I have a minor kink or two).

 

But when she asked me to buy a beachfront place today - my immediate reaction was annoyance. I realized then that I feel resentful. I have decided to leave her. There is absolutely nothing she can do now to change anything because the past cannot be changed.

 

I have no questions. I just wanted to rant a bit. Thanks.

 

GetSmarter have you ACTUALLY TOLD her how totally ripped off you feel about the crap sex?

Basically that the best thing in her life is ACTUALLY YOU! NOT a freaken beach house?

She does and should always needed to have LISTENED TO YOUR WORDS.

She is your wife. You are her husband. Sex should always remain inside the marriage and its about the only thing that needs to!

 

If your thing is WAY too kinky for HER and she knows about them, then I bet she was afraid to indulge you for fear those kinky ways would get more extreme over time. As I woman I KNOW, for me at least, some men's "kinky ways" have completely freaked me out but most of the time I've tried stage 1 at least. Sometimes it's great for both of us, so we go on an adventure down that track.

 

Buy her one last thing if you're leaving anyway - a book on Entitlement. She thinks she's entitled to spend the money YOU earn on a beach house? Are you kidding me? I think if she's got the savings from her paid work then she'd be most welcome to buy you guys a beach house. Fair?

 

It's threads like these I want my WH to read. I'm 50 this year too. It's taken me WAY too long to realize that some people are take, take, expect more then take some more. Their poor long suffering spouses are give, work hard, give more, work harder and longer. .it's still never enough and they want a bl**dy beach house (oh btw mine only wanted me to support his 5th change of career in 15y by him doing a 4 year uni course AFTER his affair! Oh and BTW he wouldn't be happy unless I bought him a farm and he spent countless weekends with his friends. Oh yeah entitlement alright).

 

If you're done. Yeah I'd leave too.

Watch out there are far too nany takers out there or just our spouses ready with their next brain haired way of spending our hard earned money.

Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

GetSmarter there are also great books on narcissism. You may not want to read them but your dear W needs to.

LH

[alphamale]

dude, just hire an escort for once per month and empty you nuts into her *****.

[autumnnight]

["I had tried everything I could think of over those 20 years to get things on track."QUOTE]

 

Just to help out the OP, he has made this clear.

 

Intimacy should notbhave to be earned.

[Lion Heart]

Sorry GetSmarter I apologise for suggesting you TALK. I hadn't read your later posts.

 

I possibly would have tried a "trial separation" a while back. She gets a job. Pays her way. Cries "the shame of it all" etc. Maybe even dates a few men who have entitlement issues too.

 

Sometimes people never know what they had until it's gone. Corny but true.

 

LH

[Lion Heart]

Don't knock unless you've tried it. I'm 59, on my second marriage and I am thoroughly enjoying my "old person sex".

 

"You don't stop having sex because you get old, you get old because you stop having sex."

 

Thankyou! That quote is wonderful.

 

I tell you now young people. Aspirations for fulfillment are the same at 50 as they are at any previous adult age, for me at least.

 

Every day is there to be taken, enjoyed. Every time you're near your SO there is opportunity to show love, affection and mind blowing sex on the balcony if you choose to! And why not! Life isn't over until you're dead. 50, 60, 70 who knows it isn't "old". Life can be and IS amazing at any age. Grab it with BOTH hands and squeeze as much bliss as you can out of every single second!!!!

 

If your SO can't share the bliss with you after 20y, or has 10-20 minutes of "release" to offer per month then I'd well and truly be done too.

 

If you're done, then you're done.

LH

[mrs rubble]

I wonder how different peoples reactions would be if it were the Mrs in this scenario leaving because the husband hasn't been able to get it up for 20years and she was the breadwinner, who worked and cooked and cleaned, while he took the kids to football??

Guarentee, there'd be lot's of "Why did you hang around so long?" Etc.

 

GetSmarter- Enjoy your new freedom, and get a good lawyer.

[Popsicle]

Good for you for a) not cheating (that just functions to prolong bad marriages) and b) having the courage to accept that it's dead and leave it.

[MomofTwins21]

You and I are in a complete role reversal. I understand how you are feeling 100%. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, together for 10, living together for 8. The first 2 years we were together our sex life was good but it didn't take long for that to dwindle down.

 

We moved into our first apartment after 2 years of being together and he just didn't have much interest in actual intercourse at that time. Our first apartment wasn't the greatest and it was a bit of a dump but we were just happy to be living together so of course I told myself that was the reason and it was affecting our sex life and it would get better in time. It didn't and we got married anyway. I know what many people reading this will say. it's my own fault b/c I still chose to marry him but as a result of marrying him I was blessed with 2 twin girls not too long ago so I have no regrets here. But from this point forward, I need to start thinking of myself more.

 

The problem we now have is he is legitimately suffering from erectile dysfunction. Valentine's Day night he planned a romantic night out for us and when we came home (trust me i had no expectations) he had planned an intimate evening together with lots of affection, touch, etc. He did give me an orgasm without actual intercourse and he made me feel loved; however, he could not achieve an erection to go further. I know how embarrassed he was and I'm trying so hard not to be heartless in this but for MANY years prior to this he held out sex from me just cause he wasn't interested in it all that much so as much as I'm trying to be supportive it's a little difficult to b/c I also feel resentment towards him.

 

Now I feel stuck. I feel very trapped. We have a deep love for eachother and sex life aside we are happy but I am entirely too young to be experiencing this. Our sex life started dwindling when I was only 28. Now I am 35 and my sex drive is through the roof which is typical for women at this age. I'm losing out on my prime years and I hate it. I literally don't know what to do. I also miss being able to give him oral as that is something I love doing. I haven't had intercourse in 14 months. It's incredibly depressing. I certainly don't want my first time in that long to be a quickie either. If we were able to follow through with what he had planned for Valentine's Day it would have been a perfect night. He said he'll go to a doctor and get Viagra if it'll save our marriage but that hasn't happened yet. We will see.

Edited March 15, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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