Fiance left gave back ring

[BC1980]

I assume she means spending time with the baby together like we have been since she left. Which is confusing because she did just today and it wasn't disccused ahead of time or anything. I thought she was just dropping the baby off. Of course, she'll finally be moving into her place this week so she won't have to sit around her parents house all the time. We did talk a little relationship stuff which I tried not to do so probably a good idea anyway.

 

So she's also trying to assert a boundary, which is understandable. Here's the thing. You need to be the one to assert your boundaries, and it's up to you to enforce them. I wouldn't really use much of your time analyzing what she is doing with her boundaries. I really think you need to distance yourself from her as much as possible right now. You will thank yourself later. What's going to happen, and what has already happened, is that she is going to distance herself from you more and more. It's better that you go ahead and do it first, so you aren't left feeling like an utter fool when this is all said and done. Don't react to her. Be the one to take control and make decisions based on what's best for you.

 

I finally wised up and went NC after 8 months. I was NC by the book. No social media stalking, no third parties, no drive bys, deleted all info and removed any reminders of him. If he had died, I would not have known. I later found out that he was with another woman and getting engaged at the very time I was going through the worst part of my grief. Imagine the humiliation and hurt I would have felt if I had not been NC during that time. Imagine how awful it would have been if I had tried to contact him during that time. My story is a true testament to NC because by the time I found out he was engaged, I honestly didn't care that much. It hurt a little, but I was able to process it and move on from it relatively quickly. I'm telling you that a year from now, you will thank your lucky stars that you went NC. It may seem too difficult right now, but it will pay off in the end.

 

I'm not telling you to accept that it's over right now because that would be impossible. You are miles away from acceptance. It took me a year of NC to reach full acceptance, which basically means that you accept the entire thing happened and file it away. You no longer revisit it. I'm just suggesting that you accept your reality as it stand and distance yourself from her. Do not speak to her unless it's about your daughter or finalizing any moving out details. Try to work on that day by day.

[Flabreakup]

Makes a lot of sense. She just doesn't make any. Telling myself that today was the last day we hangout like that. Dont know why she would have soent all day here but oh well. I actually feel a little better than yesterday.

 

Like a tiny sense of peace is coming over me knowing she wants other guys. Hurts but brings just a little closure. Can't really accept that I'll never have my daughter everyday if my life again. Worse part of the whole thing. It seems so bad to me she won't have a true family. That was really my dream. Not the ex specifically. Didn't even know her five years ago but still had the dream. I'm 35 so may be still able to get close to it I guess.

 

Daughter is starting daycare Tuesday that I'm paying for. With a check of course. I'm going to have to pick her up several times during the week. On the bright side as it is now I'll get to see her pretty often which is nice. Doesn't compare to everyday but another to accept.

 

Even trying to stay positive seems so unfair. I have a nice place and she will now too. She gets the daughter way more has a new career and me as a babysitter anytime. I won't say no to seeing the baby that's for sure. I Have to live somewhere I don't want to be, have a broken heart and even though my business is going good I left a much better job and have a house I rent out 1000 miles away. All so she could go to nursing school. Now I'm stuck. I could be gone tomorrow back to my job friends family and home. Just one, two and half year old who couldn't bring myself to leave and see a few times a year. Talk about having a family dream for that. Does this mean in not going to be really happy for 16 more years at the very least. I sure hope not.

[Toodaloo]

Its time to get tough with yourself here.

 

If she has been texting these other men before you broke up it means one thing. That the relationship break up is not your fault.

 

I know you adore this woman and the ground she walks on but somehow and in your own way you need to start seeing her for what she actually is. In the last few posts you have described a woman who is liable to cheat, use men for her own personal gain, who is flaky and irrational.

 

You will get over this. The good news is that you are still young and you didn't make the mistake of walking down the isle with this one. It will hurt like hell for a while and I feel terrible that I gave you hope at the beginning. BC1980 saw what I didn't.

 

What you need to concentrate on now is making your own life. Keep up with those meetings, keep going to the gym and keep going out. It does get better. In time and with your boundaries firmly in place it does get better.

 

Do not let this woman hurt you any more. Chances are that in 2 years time she will get bored of the latest squeeze and start on you again as that is what she seems to do with her exes. Do not let her. Do not let her do this to you. Time to get strong now and its a heck of a lot harder than people think.

[ZiggyZoo]

I know what your saying I just find it so hard to give up the idea of a happy family and having my daughter everyday. I have to I know. Doesn't seem fair she can move on and I cant. I still have to feel she'll see the grass isn't greener in time but I'm sure it's no time soon. Doesn't change that I can't get her out of my mind.

 

Screwed up today though. I thought she was coming over to drop off the baby but ended up staying. Said she wanted to pack but was here for almost six hours and packed for one. I know I shouldn't have let her but my heart just won't let me. I will try harder though. Talked a lot. Said she's done with the other two guys but nothing positive about us. Just the usual. I keep clinging to every word like an idiot but can't help it.

 

Just was texting and she tells me she wants a break from the friendly stuff. I didn't know or ask her to stay. So confusing. Had some very strange conversations too. She told me after a break up she always goes back to an ex. Both guys were exs she was texting. Guess she just wants some new or different attention. I know i don't feel any love most of the time she's around from her and that's gone right now so why can't I get rid of mine?

 

One minute we're good and having fun and the next we're just in the same room. I'd really like to gain the power back from her that she's taken. Funny one month ago today I wore the pants and now she's clearly in control. I probably deserve it because of my actions through four years but still feel like complaining. Never knew what I had when I had it. Don't think I'll ever do as good again. Didn't before.

 

I'd say that gaining some control over your life is a great idea. I'd suggest that maybe you get ahold of Friend of the Court (or whomever it is in Florida) to establish a set schedule of visitation with your daughter, and to establish child support and daycare payments. I've seen too many of my guy friends get screwed by their exs because they were just where you are, absolutely gut punched, and not wanting to accept that their relationship is over and still trying to please their ex. Not that you should be anywhere except where you are in this recovery, but take care of your own rights too. You have just as much rights to your daughter as her mom does. And getting the child support payments figured out ASAP too will help you avoid a few thousand dollars in arrears in the future. And a set visitation schedule will protect you if she decides to take any "vacations" to visit her ex-boyfriends. SHE may be able to go, but will still have to produce your daughter for the visitations, or else she's in contempt of a court order and can get in a bunch of trouble. I think this might give you back some sense of control too, which is very helpful when it feels like you HAVE no control over what's going on.

 

And you know what? Pack her stuff yourself. If there's anything that you forgot, have her write it out and you can get it to her at a pickup/dropoff. She moved out, and shouldn't expect to just be able to come and go as she pleases in YOUR house. Or to intrude on your father/daughter time. I know it might be hard to say no to her, but this is where getting into the anger stage can help. Don't yell at her, for crying out loud, but just remember what she's done and how she's acted. She acted with out respect or care for your feelings, why should she expect that you'll do the same for her? Its admirable that you are being so accommodating, but I think being a little more assertive in establishing your boundaries will help. Plus it will send the message that what she did was wrong, and she shouldn't expect any more special treatment from you.

 

And finally, you're going to go through bouts of terribly low self-esteem, but remember that it took two people to make this relationship what it was. And end how it did. I know that you had a drinking problem, and are blaming everything on yourself, but you are in no way entirely responsible. She had a hand in how it all turned out too. She could have come to you and said that she was getting to the end of her rope and wanted to try to fix things long before she was texting other guys while still with you. She could have been honest and upfront with you at the end and said that she was done with your relationship, instead of dragging it out like she did. And also trying to pin all the responsibility for her bad behavior on you is deplorable. Your drinking did not make her lie and take advantage of you, that was entirely her decision. It is very typical of people tough to blame others for their actions like that. I personally think that you're doing a great job accepting that you were somewhat at fault, and are taking steps to make sure that it won't happen again. Easy for me to say though, I know all too well.

 

You will get through this. You will look back and be proud of your progress, and draw strength from having gotten past this terrible heartbreak. How you're feeling now is completely normal, as is the desire to keep talking to her. The reality that this is over may not sink in for a bit yet, which is also normal. Just try to stay away from her, all talking to her is going to do right now is hurt. If she's nice it'll give you false hope, and if she's mean it'll hurt all over again.

[BC1980]

Daughter is starting daycare Tuesday that I'm paying for. With a check of course. I'm going to have to pick her up several times during the week. On the bright side as it is now I'll get to see her pretty often which is nice. Doesn't compare to everyday but another to accept.

 

I was going to agree with Ziggy and suggest that you start to get something settled with the finances. I don't even know what steps you take, but I wouldn't be surprised if you ex filed for child support at some point. Better to take the lead on that. I'd just approach it calmly and logically, making the point that since you no longer have joint finances, it's best to get all this straightened out for your daughter's sake.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. It makes so much sense and I will try to do what your saying. I'm coming to realize that it is over. Which is making it way worse these last few days.

 

It's feels like all hope is lost not for her but for me and my life. It seemed good when it was good but this is just driving me crazy. I'm actually afraid of tomorrow and the next day and the next day. Today my daughter is here and I'm feeling worse than ever. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I almost want to move back home but I'll never see my daughter and probably just end up drinking and bs again. So my other option is to stay here and keep losing my mind over this. Someplace I don't want to be with a business I don't care about now but was so excited about a few months ago. I know no one here and have not much to do everyday. I know people say stay busy and NC neither of which I can do. The stress and anxiety I have I've never felt even after other breakups.

 

I remember your story but can't imagine how I can be as strong. I've always been a go getter and a happy goofball but right now every bad thought you can think of is running through my head. From her with other guys me with nothing and plain old don't want to exist right now. I really see no hope or happiness in my future

 

I try to take her off the pedestal but I keep thinking how good she was to me until just these last few months and she was. I ruined what could have been a great life. Now it's seems it's not worth anything. Can't even enjoy being with my daughter. Sad to say but true

[ZiggyZoo]

Hey, cut yourself some slack. She may have broken up with you a month ago, but you JUST found out that she's been less than honest and not what she seems a few days ago. That's a lot to process, and there's no way you should be OK with any of that right now. And feeling like sh*t is also completely normal. Just do what you need right now to get through one day at a time. If you need to cry every damn day for three weeks, do that. There's only so much you can do to distract yourself from missing her and feeling hopeless right now. But I absolutely promise you that you'll feel better. It seems impossible now, but you will

 

And your life is far from ruined. It sure may not be the one you want to be living right now, but it isn't ruined. This is a detour, not the end.

Edited March 2, 2015 by ZiggyZoo

[Flabreakup]

Thanks everyone. I wish I could do the things your all talking about and may be able to one day if I can make it through this sane. Which right now in seriously doubting. I just don't see the point in anything now. Can't even look at myself in the mirror. Feels like there's something really wrong with me. Just want a positive thought but I can't find one

[Toodaloo]

Its ok to feel that way.

 

Look at it logically. Up until a couple of weeks ago you thought that all you had to do was to sort out a few problems and it would be right as rain again. Thats the impression her behavior was giving me anyway.

 

Now you find out that actually the rug has been pulled from under you and she is actually not the person you thought she was... worse is that she has been lying and hiding the truth from you and letting you blame yourself.

 

Imagine a long tunnel. At the moment you are half way if you look back you can't see light if you look forward you can't see light. But if you just keep going. One foot in front of the other you will start to see a glimmer.

 

Quickest way to get there is to keep up your boundaries, set rules and keep and and all contact with her to a minimum. Spend as much time with your daughter so she knows you love her and also she will in her own way cheer you up.

 

Your young. You have a lot going for you. I know you don't see it yet but given time you will. You will be amazed at what you can get through if you just keep going. Keep looking after yourself and keep up what you were doing already!

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. I'm trying to stay positive about the future but it seems so daunting at the moment. I know I'm not the first person to have to go through this but that doesn't change the heartache and pain.

 

Actually am getting hives from this stress. I didn't even notice til a few weeks ago that I kept scratching my chest. If I could just lower the anxiety and panic attacks pI'd probably feel better. Shes the first thing on my mind then all day. Gonna try for the gym today. Haven't went since the middle of last week.

 

Wish I could not see her because every time I do or text or call it's another panic attack. Can't believe the person I've become through this. I was always so confident looking forward to the next day. Now I dread the next hour. And thinking I've got thousands of hours to get through this.

 

I try to enjoy time with my daughter but even that's hard. Not fair to her that I'm losing it. Or lost it I should say. Don't know if I'll ever get to the point that I can look at her and not have chest pain. I know what she was doing and is doing but it doesn't change my want for her. I just don't get it. I should definitely not want her back at this point but I do and it makes me feel like a fool.

[ZiggyZoo]

I got stress hives after my mom died. She was an alcoholic, and drank herself to death. I had so much guilt about not stepping in and preventing it from happening that I made myself sick. I can share some of what I learned to help with the anxiety and stress...

 

First of all, cut yourself some slack. I say that a lot, but a lot of anxiety is brought on because we aren't happy with where we think we should be. Its perfectly normal to still love her, and miss her. Accept that for now this is how you feel. Don't label emotions as "good" or "bad", just feel them and acknowledge them and let them go. There's nobody on this earth who would bounce back from the bombshell you've had dropped on you in any short amount of time. You aren't an idiot at all, you're human.

 

Anxiety makes our bodies go into the fight or flight mode. Most of this is beyond what we ourselves can control (higher blood pressure, pulse, sweating) but the one aspect you CAN control is the breathing. So whenever you get anxious, do some deep breathing. Breathe in through your nose for a count of five, and out thorugh pursed lips for a count of five. Do this at least five times, and it helps to re-set that fight or flight response.

 

I think the gym is great too, you can get those endorphins going and feel better. I'd also suggest therapy. A lot of what I learned was from CBT (cognitive behavorial therapy) which is all about getting the heart and the head on the same page. Because that's the hardest part, KNOWING you don't want to still have feelings for someone, but still having those feelings. It helped me so much too when my ex-husband left me. But the big parts of it I still use are the not lableing emotions and the relaxation. Maybe some short-term meds would benefit you too. You will get past this, but it will take time, and meds might help focus on recovering.

 

I'd ask at your AA group. Nobody has better, healthy coping skills than a recovering alcoholic. I used to go to meetings to get support, but also to get some ideas to handle what I was going through too. There might also be a group that meets to help with divorce or breakups too.

 

You're at the worst of it right now. Just trying to process everything and put one fooot in front of the other. Hang in there, you'll start to get better bit by bit. You're already doing a great job by coming here and writing down what you're feeling instead of going out and getting wasted. I'm proud of you, man.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks Toodaloo and Ziggy. Made a little progress today. Are something for the first time since Sunday. I guess that's something.

 

I've tried the meds thing the last week but don't think they help much. Unless I just take enough to knock myself out which I can't do because of my road service business. I almost hate my work now even though it's a small distraction for me. When I use to get a call I was so excited. No matter what time it was now its more like a chore. Might have to drive at anytime. One of the reasons I quit drinking along with Khloe and trying to win her back. Now I'm just continuing for myself.

 

Had some work this morning. Kind of funny, I realized in the last month I've gotten out of my truck and left the keys in the ignition about half the time. Sometimes people are talking to me and my mind is totally gone. Have no idea what they were talking about.

 

Of course it doesn't help that I have to talk to her almost everyday it seems. Today was to change the electric over to me and see when I get the baby again. I'm trying to let go but it's very difficult. Something inside keeps saying you still have a chance and do this or do that. I haven't acted on those feelings for a few days no or looked at her social media stuff so that's a plus. Haven't asked her what she's doing or where she's going either. Of course I would like to know but the answer wouldn't help one way or the other.

 

The breathing thing helps for a few minutes though. I've even tried talking out loud to myself saying your going to be alright or you got this. I do also talk to friends about every few hours. I'm sure there tired of hearing me they don't say that. All but one have been through this and I was always there for them. They were the days were a good night out and a lot of partying would take their mind of things. But I can't and really have no motivation to do anything let alone go out. Their also a thousand miles away.

 

That tunnel you mentioned seems so far away. I don't think I'm even in it yet. I've always been somewhat emotional in good and bad ways so maybe that's not helping either. Keeping my thoughts and words to myself has never been easy. So when I talk to her it's really difficult to not say the first thing on my mind but I'm working on it and trying to keep as cool as I can. Have to go of these thoughts of hope too since I'm the only one with them. Have to get from she's gone to she's gone for good. Might take a while.

 

Thanks again. Does feel better writing things out. Not terrific but better.

[Toodaloo]

Well once all the bills are in your sole name you will not have to speak to her about that stuff.

 

So thats just a few rocks in your path tripping you up a bit but the going is going to get better and easier as each day passes.

 

Finding out what she is doing will only hurt you more so don't bother.

 

Your friends don't care if you keep repeating yourself or phone them what they do care about is YOU. Keep talking to them, keep going to the gym, keep going to the meetings.

 

I have post it notes on my wardrobe. They say things like "He doesn't have to love you", "you found love again so it is possible", "today may be bad but tomorrow is a new day - enjoy it"... if I find a quote/ phrase that I think may help me I write it down and it gets stuck on the wardrobe and I read them most days. Over time I have started skipping the ones relating to a specific person and just read the uplifting positive ones more than the "kick up the backside" ones.

 

Music is great. Find some tunes to listen to to help you cry and mourn the relationship but also find some upbeat happy tunes to cheer yourself up.

 

It will take a while. But she is gone for good. If she does come back I really do not think you should accept her, as by the sounds of things, she would only be using you all over again.

 

We have all been there. We have all dealt with this, we all have different coping strategy's and ideas. Pick out the ones that work for you. Don't stop talking to anyone other than her. Keep being sociable and go out and do activities, try new things.

 

Don't worry about the silly things like leaving your keys in the ignition or talking to yourself... some of us still do that on a good day... found a bottle of bubble bath in the fridge the other day...!

[Flabreakup]

So she dropped the baby off today and had to hang around to meet with the landlord to switch the lease to me. She wasn't feeling good but I didn't say much. Just wish I could be stronger because as soon as I see her my chest starts hurting and everything comes back. It's actually still hurting really bad at the moment.

 

I don't know how people cole with having to see each other. I know the low contact but it doesn't help. I haven't looked at any social media for a few days so some progress. Of course I would like to know what she's thinking or up.

 

My daughter is here now and I can't even remotely enjoy this time. And I know I should. Chest pain and thoughts are all consuming. I quit drinking but have started smoking about ten times what I use too.

 

I just can't figure out why I'm not good enough or our family isn't important enough to try to work things out. I know I screwed it up but it's hard giving up the hope that we can work things out. I know it's not going to happen now and probably never but I've heard so many stories of people getting back together after time apart even in my own family. Don't know if it's a particular type of person or situation like having a baby together that helps or hurts.

 

Anyway, trying to calm down a bit and make myself happy but it just doesn't happen at all. Sometimes I can see my heart beating in the veins in my had. It s pretty crazy. Last night was ok but today is terrible

 

I'll try the notes and I read on here for hours. Not sure if it helps but it keeps me distracted a little. As far as music I can't even turn on the radio. Haven't in a month! Every song seems to be about love or not having love.

 

It's incrediable to think she's moving on getting a new place new job and probably new guy sooner or later and I'm going to be torn apart forever it feels.

 

Can't get rid of the feeling she'll want me back to have the family together if things don't go great or something not so good happens and even with the other guy stuff it just doesn't seem to matter right now to me.

 

One day at a time. I know one day things might actually get better.

[BC1980]

So she dropped the baby off today and had to hang around to meet with the landlord to switch the lease to me. She wasn't feeling good but I didn't say much. Just wish I could be stronger because as soon as I see her my chest starts hurting and everything comes back. It's actually still hurting really bad at the moment.

 

I don't know how people cole with having to see each other. I know the low contact but it doesn't help. I haven't looked at any social media for a few days so some progress. Of course I would like to know what she's thinking or up.

 

It's certainly not ideal to be in a position where you are forced to have contact with your ex. I work with my ex, but we rarely see each other. I passed him in the hall last week and didn't even look at him. That happens maybe once a month, and I we rarely need to speak to one another. In 6 months, we've been forced to have maybe 3 conversations that were very short and to the point. Still, I would rather him not be there. At one point, when we were together, he left for another job, so I didn't see him for a year until he came back. I actually hid in an empty room for 30 minutes to avoid him once. That was when he first came back, and I just couldn't face him. I chuckle when I think of that now, but it was truly traumatic to have to face him again after all that time. We hadn't spoken or laid eyes on one another in a year, and it was a terribly painful breakup for me.

 

It is a special kind of hell to be forced to see an ex though. I will admit. It seemed like my breakup would never end. All the times I really felt I was moving on, he would appear again. For awhile, I just felt like I couldn't catch a break, and it wore me down. After I had gotten used to him being at work, I find out he's been engaged for a good while (probably had the woman lined up when he left me), and they sent out invitations to some people at work.

 

I'm saying all of this to let you know that you can get through this if you focus on yourself. Not everyone gets the clean break where you never see the person again. It would be great, but it's just not realistic for everyone. I've had breakups where I never saw the person again, and it was great. The recent ex and I have many common acquaintances and friends, so it's difficult to remain completely oblivious about him. It's sucks, but it's just the way it is. The best advice I can give you is to have a laser sharp focus on yourself. I don't give an inch to my ex. He's tried numerous times to engage in small talk, and I just walk away. It's more difficult for you to draw such a black and white boundary, but there are people who make it work.

[Flabreakup]

Makes a lot of sense. One of my best friends has two kids with his ex and had to deal with the same thing. Of course, he had me. He came over almost every night for months. I'm not in that situation so do a lot of talking on the phone.

 

On the bright side a few hours after dropping the baby off I felt a little better. Don't have to see her for a few days then finally she'll get moved out Saturday. Even though everything we have was ours so she's taking some and I'm keeping some here in the house we shared. Hopefully after her moving I can really start the process of moving on too. That is after spending half the day with her while she's moving. I'm doing the moving with a mutual friend of ours. I just don't want any strange guys in my home. I'm sure she'll have plenty in her own around my daughter soon enough. Wow, just writing that sentence brought me way down.

 

I know I shouldn't make any big decisions for a while but really thinking about moving when the lease is up. Maybe not all the way home but to a big city within an hour or so. It's still six months away so just a thought. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by then.

 

Funny how sometimes I have a really calm feeling for a little bit. Usually at night. However the mornings when I wake up alone after another dream or three of her and us are the toughest. It's every single morning without fail. It's one am now and I'm almost afraid to stop reading because I know what's coming. A few hours of restless sleep.

 

Oh well, I really just need to do like you all say and stay positive and active. Easier said than done though. Just got a service call so off I go into the night to fix a truck tire. Better than sleeping I guess.

[Toodaloo]

I just can't figure out why I'm not good enough or our family isn't important enough to try to work things out. I know I screwed it up but it's hard giving up the hope that we can work things out. I know it's not going to happen now and probably never but I've heard so many stories of people getting back together after time apart even in my own family.

 

Can't get rid of the feeling she'll want me back to have the family together if things don't go great or something not so good happens and even with the other guy stuff it just doesn't seem to matter right now to me.

 

One day at a time. I know one day things might actually get better.

 

Thats the thing though.

 

She made you think it was your fault but actually it wasn't you at all.

 

She was already checked out of this relationship and to make herself feel better she made you feel bad.

 

I am sorry to say that your ex is actually one devious madam. Even if she does come back I really think you need to keep this one away from you and concentrate on your daughter and making your own life. She has been manipulating you for her own goals. She has done all of this behind your back and heartlessly dangled you on a piece of string.

 

Start getting her stuff boxed up ready for Saturday. Then when the day comes you can just load up, drop off at the other end and she can deal with it.

 

I know its still very raw but it does get better. Keep going to meetings, keep up at the gym. Don't worry about smoking for the time being as in time that will stop too. Just keep looking after yourself.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. Got a few hours of sleep last night. Took something to help at five when I was still awake. Last night I didn't feel to bad but that rush hits me every time I wake up for some reason. Hoping it will go away early today.

 

I know she was checking out in the few weeks before she left. I pretty much see that now. But if I wasn't still drinking and treating her better in the time before that she wouldn't have had to do that or wanted to do that. It does take a little off me though. So looking forward to Saturday to try and move on to the next stage here. Just picking up and dropping off the baby.

 

Gonna try and go to the gym today. It's over 80 degrees here in Florida everyday now and I just have to get some motivation to go out and do something.

 

This is one week after I found out the other stuff was going on so thought I would be a little farther along. Need to focus on me and my daughter but getting her out of head would be a good start. Of course we have to text almost everyday and see each other every other day for the baby so that doesn't really help. One thing I did do was change her name in my phone to Babymom. Don't know if it helps but it makes me feel a little better for some reason. Kind of letting go what we use to call each other.

 

After you mentioned music I started listening to a little rock yesterday. Not so many love songs so it was a start there too. Another thing i do if this makes any sense is turn on both televisions in the house when I get up. Makes me feel like I'm not alone or something. Well, I'm off to a meeting. Been over a month now. Easily the longest sober since I was probably 16 or so and I'm 35.

 

how is everyone else these days? Don't like making it all about me. Thanks again

[ZiggyZoo]

Thanks. Got a few hours of sleep last night. Took something to help at five when I was still awake. Last night I didn't feel to bad but that rush hits me every time I wake up for some reason. Hoping it will go away early today.

 

I know she was checking out in the few weeks before she left. I pretty much see that now. But if I wasn't still drinking and treating her better in the time before that she wouldn't have had to do that or wanted to do that. It does take a little off me though. So looking forward to Saturday to try and move on to the next stage here. Just picking up and dropping off the baby.

 

Gonna try and go to the gym today. It's over 80 degrees here in Florida everyday now and I just have to get some motivation to go out and do something.

 

This is one week after I found out the other stuff was going on so thought I would be a little farther along. Need to focus on me and my daughter but getting her out of head would be a good start. Of course we have to text almost everyday and see each other every other day for the baby so that doesn't really help. One thing I did do was change her name in my phone to Babymom. Don't know if it helps but it makes me feel a little better for some reason. Kind of letting go what we use to call each other.

 

After you mentioned music I started listening to a little rock yesterday. Not so many love songs so it was a start there too. Another thing i do if this makes any sense is turn on both televisions in the house when I get up. Makes me feel like I'm not alone or something. Well, I'm off to a meeting. Been over a month now. Easily the longest sober since I was probably 16 or so and I'm 35.

 

how is everyone else these days? Don't like making it all about me. Thanks again

 

You go ahead and make it all about you, this is your thread! But I'm doing a lot better myself, I think I may actually be over my ex. I still can't stand to think of him with someone else, but other than that I'm kind of meh about him. Which I'll take, even if it's only today that I feel like this. It's progress after all. You know what's funny? I started feeling really good after I also put on some music yesterday. I was forgot how much it can change my mood around, to hear a good song. I'm glad it worked a bit for you, too.

 

And congratulations on your month sober! Holy crap, that's something you should be really proud of, especially considering what this month has been for you. It is going to help so much in the long run, feeling and processing your emotions rather than drowning and ignoring them. Hurts like hell now, but once you work through this, you'll be done with it.

 

I think you're making great progress, speaking of that. It's only been a week, and you've gone from still not quite believing that it's done to maybe kinda sorta seeing how you might get through this. That's a big deal, a lot of people get stuck in the denial stage and can't let go.

 

You can also see that she was checking out in the weeks before she pulled the plug, which is also good. You need to stop blaming yourself for everything that went wrong though. Your drinking contributed to the situation, and it's a wonderful thing that you've not only realized this, but are doing something about it. But you weren't alone int he relationship. And like I said before, her responsibility being in that relationship was to communicate with you when there was something going on that could possibly cause it to end. She owed that to you, and broke that promise. It may or may not have been due to another guy. Shoot, she may have realized in nursing school that she didn't want to be in ANY relationship. It wasn't all your fault, but I know this will be really hard for you to believe right now.

 

I was in a relationship a few years ago with a really great guy. We had a lot in common, same views on things, same values...I fell hard for him. But, as time went on, I realized that I just wasn't in love with him anymore. I couldn't figure out why, but I just didn't feel it. I broke up with him, and it was the second hardest break-up I've been in (only one tougher was my ex-husband). It killed me to know that I was hurting someone I still really cared about just to make myself happy. But it wasn't fair to either of us to keep going how we were going. I'm not saying that this is what happened with your ex, but if it hadn't happened to me then I'm sure I wouldn't think it possible, to just fall out of love with someone. And nothing can be done about it.

 

It's tough when you have to see them too, I know that. You talked about the racing heart and all that, and I completely understood what you were saying. That goes away too, not nearly as soon as you'd like, but it will. Changing her name was a really good idea too.

 

Well, I hope your day goes well. Each day that passes is another day closer to feeling better. And you will, I promise.

[Toodaloo]

 

I know she was checking out in the few weeks before she left. I pretty much see that now. But if I wasn't still drinking and treating her better in the time before that she wouldn't have had to do that or wanted to do that. It does take a little off me though. So looking forward to Saturday to try and move on to the next stage here. Just picking up and dropping off the baby.

 

Nope she was checked out and gone. Drink, no drink, she was outta there. However, read below...

Gonna try and go to the gym today. It's over 80 degrees here in Florida everyday now and I just have to get some motivation to go out and do something.

 

Need to focus on me and my daughter but getting her out of head would be a good start. Of course we have to text almost everyday and see each other every other day for the baby so that doesn't really help. One thing I did do was change her name in my phone to Babymom. Don't know if it helps but it makes me feel a little better for some reason. Kind of letting go what we use to call each other. It will come. I have someone in my phone as "A**hole" keep focusing on being a good Dad.

 

After you mentioned music I started listening to a little rock yesterday. Not so many love songs so it was a start there too. Another thing i do if this makes any sense is turn on both televisions in the house when I get up. Makes me feel like I'm not alone or something. Well, I'm off to a meeting. Been over a month now. Easily the longest sober since I was probably 16 or so and I'm 35. THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS! Well done!!! You deserve a massive pat on the back!

 

how is everyone else these days? Don't like making it all about me. Thanks again

 

 

As Ziggy has said this is your thread so it can be all about you. All good in this corner though. Scratching my head about a chap I am going on a date with on Sunday am seriously thinking about giving up on all this romance lark for a while so I can concentrate on friends babies being born etc. All good though.

 

Keep going you are doing amazingly.

[ZiggyZoo]

I had my ex-husband listed as *sshole too, until my daughters could read. Then I changed it back to his name for their sake. Did the job until I got past hating him though.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks for the encouragement. Although I must say I don't really feel amazing. Haven't left bed all day but will go to the gym later so I guess that's something.

 

I think I'm still working through the denial stage also. I do really want my family back together. At the same time I know no woman would want me now the way I am feeling and was acting trying so hard. So to me the best thing to do is what everyone says and move on withn my own life and will be will be. I can't lie and say I'm not hopeful that months or more apart might be just what we needed but being realistic it may never be and I'll be stuck a weekend dad. Who knows but I sure don't want that. And I might not want her but everyone says I'll always have a thing for her due to the baby so we'll see

 

Down to 185 lbs from 210 four and half weeks ago. I do try to eat but it's harder said than done. Not use to not having left overs and stuff like that around all time and no motivation to really cook. I do eat out mostly so not quite sure how I'm losing so much weight. I guess that will be the next recovery step here. Might even have to do with not having thousands of calories of beer every week to.

 

I wouldn't give up on dating just yet. You never know what's right around the corner. I'm certainly in no mood yet but hopefully one day I will again.

[ZiggyZoo]

The denial stage is the worst. My ex-husband (of seven years, with three daughters together) left me for another woman, who he moved in with a month after her left me. I STILL kept hope alive for about six months or so that we'd get back together. And I too would cry thinking about all the family stuff we'd never get to do. But, it slowly sunk in that we weren't going to be together any time soon, so I focused on making my life work without him in it. It was hard as hell, especially when he and his new girlfriend would do stuff with MY girls, but I got over it. I cried plenty of nights, but eventually realized that my girls were having a good life, regardless of whether or not their parents were together. My ex helped here too, he was a complete prick when I'd have to have any sort of contact with him. He even brought his girlfriend over to help him move some of his stuff out. Oh, that got my Irish temper up, and we almost had a big problem...so trust me, I've been through denial, anger, acceptance, fighting acceptance, more anger, and now I couldn't care less what he does. And in the beginning, when it was all I could do to get the girls and myself out the door for our day and make sure we were all fed and clothed, I didn't do sh*t about trying to get over him. Time did it, I just got to where it didn't hurt as much and I could start trying to actually move on.

 

So hell, if you spend the morning in bed, pat yourself on the back for getting up and showering in the afternoon. Or going to the gym. Or a meeting. Or not calling your ex or checking her Facebook...Anything positive counts. Baby steps.

 

Oh, and the chick my ex left me for? She left HIM for his brother on Christmas Day. Yeah...but the best part was that I actually felt kind of bad for him, I know how much it hurts to be dumped like that.

[Flabreakup]

Wow that's pretty crazy. All of it. Can't imagine what you went through in those early days. I'll try to be near as strong. Not going well though.

 

Did look at her Facebook for whatever reason today. havent in three days don't know why I even bothered like there would be something different. Then I went to visit a friend and am sitting here now just lounging around. Takes my mind off things a little.

 

Just trying to think about getting through tomorrow and working on keeping busy. It's hard when the only things I use to do were spend time with the family or out drinking. It's been so long I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. Besides working out. If I did find something I'd have to get the motivation to do it.

 

I do have my daughter all day tomorrow but of course she'll be bringing her. Really hoping I can just say hi bye and actually enjoy my time but it didn't work out to well yesterday. So well see I guess. Might take her somewhere for lunch or something fun. Can't just sit around all day. She gets enough of that and starts daycare Monday when the ex starts her new job. New beginnings for everybody I guess.

[BC1980]

Just trying to think about getting through tomorrow and working on keeping busy. It's hard when the only things I use to do were spend time with the family or out drinking. It's been so long I don't know who I am or what I like anymore. Besides working out. If I did find something I'd have to get the motivation to do it.

 

It's difficult to find yourself in the beginning. When you are so used to a certain routine with your family, you feel really lost for the first several months. There is always the pull to go back to that routine because it's comfortable, and you equate it with security. It seems like your mind wants to stay there, but you know the only way is forward. I found myself with a ton of free time after my ex left me because I was no longer caring for his son. I spent more time with my ex's son than I did with my ex because he worked so much, and his first wife had died years before. All of a sudden, I was truly at a loss.

 

I started working out a lot more during that time, and I also started some new things gradually. It's all about baby steps. I started volunteering once a month, and I joined a women's group at my church. I made new friends through both of those activities. It didn't happen overnight, but, after a year had passed, I looked back and was grateful that I had done those things. My life is now completely different than it was with my ex. I also went back to art and writing, which were hobbies I had pretty much shelved during my time with my ex.

 

I wish you had your family with you for support. I live near my family, and they were a tremendous support. Do you have a group of close friends where you live?