Fiance left gave back ring

[BC1980]

I'm gonna agree with everyone else. If she really wants to try again, she needs to be serious. I think you need to do couple's therapy for sure. Otherwise, you will just end up right back here. You have to be really careful because she might just be saying she made a mistake because things are real now. She is on her own, and she responsible for your daughter by herself at times. Reality is sinking in, and day to day life is different. She needs to be sure she is committed to working this out for the right reasons and not just because she is lonely or some other superficial reason.

 

I've seen a lot of stories where an ex comes running back a few months after the breakup, but neither party is willing to get serious about what caused the breakup. They go through the honeymoon phase again, and, several months later, they break up again. It's not fun and, it's tough to do couple's therapy and address issues. But it's necessary to make it work in the long run. Otherwise, you are just putting a bandaid on the core issues, and you won't last in the long run.

[Flabreakup]

Well I can say that I agree with just about everything you all have said. After reading some of your comments I brought this up to her. Specifically the having more real talks about the situation and exact feelings or expectations. I'm not good at hints and probably never will be so unless it's very clear its not going to work.

 

I also think some kind of couples therapy wouldn't hurt. I mentioned it right after the breakup and she wasn't having any part of it but I will bring it up again. Maybe the timing is better.

 

I also talked about taking it very slow and that was agreed upon. My lease still has five months and I'm not breaking it so we have a lot of time to figure out where we are going to stand. If it takes longer than that I can always extend it.

 

I'm not sure how much she has worked on herself but I know Ive been putting in a lot of time on me so I know it can't be one sided. I also mentioned this. It does bring me great joy to spend time with her and the baby but it definitely isn't the same. In Some good ways and bad. I still have the thoughts of her texting her ex the week before and the few weeks after she left always in the back of my mind. She has assured me it was only texting and considering they live very far away I'm sure that's all it was. She says she hasn't talked to them or anyone else in a month now and has been thinking about me or is the whole time but was afraid of things just going back the way they were. As am I. She has taken some positive steps that were problems for us. Such as Getting the baby to sleep in her own bed and of course she's finally working and likes her job at the hospital.

 

I completely agree that we need to be two people with two lives that we enjoy and see if we truely enjoy each others company when given the time. I also think see really believes I have been working hard to stay clean and already knew I'm a good dad but I want to make sure it's me she wants and not just her being lonely or as mentioned feeling reality setting in.

 

So am I hopeful, you bet. I'm also trying to be as realistic and keep an opened mind that it may or may not work out. In my position knowing the way I was and sometimes not because I was too under the influence to even remember I think it's worth the effort and chance at this point. Could I get heartbroken again. Yes of course. Its a gamble but so was starting a business and moving a thousand miles away. Sometimes it works out great and sometimes you end up back with your tail between your legs. Either way this time I know I'm giving 100% of my sober self and will be the best I can be for me. If it doesn't work out I will be heartbroken again no doubt but at least I'll know I really did give it my best shot for my family and daughters sake so maybe that will bring me a little peace in the end. I've got no more excuses and I will make sure we talk about everything possible instead of me going to drink my problems away or her ignoring them or not talking things through. Our entire relationship no matter how drunk I was we never had screaming matches or name calling or anything like that. She would just walk away to another room and I would open up another bottle. Neither of those can happen and I've made myself very clear on that.

 

i will stay clean and I will continue to do the things I like such as the gym and working on the business and even looking at bikes. I actually stopped at the Harley place yesterday to check out a few and told her I did as soon as I got back. Man are they expensive but it's on my list. i told her this just to get a reaction and it was also positive. She said please wear a helmet at all times and you had one when we met so it's not my right to ask you to give up something you have a passion for. I don't think she could have answered it any better then That. Her old ex wasn't wearing a helmet when he died last fall but I do alway anyway. I've seen first hand what even a slow speed accident can do and know very well the pavement always wins that one. Probably going to get another service truck on the road first as id rather spend on something that's going to make money instead of cost it at this point but who's to say what's going to happen in A few months.

 

So I know it's only been two months but we're not moving back in together or even spending every night together. I've told her to still plan the trips she was talking about with her friends and enjoy herself and her work. I'm not going to be a pushover but I think I'd be a fool to not at least see where it goes and see what happens over time. Even in the beginning we spent four weekends together and she got pregnant so we never did have any dating or real romance and you can tell from the letter the type of guy I was at the time. I dont want to lose the progress Ive made on me but also dont want to lose out on a chance to have the family back together. I will say Ive learned through this over time that no matter what happens with us as long as I'm here for my daughter and keep myself happy only good things will come.

 

Wish me luck. I value all your opinions and will still come on and seek advise and support regularly. Thanks again for listening and being here for a fella.

Edited April 6, 2015 by Flabreakup

[you must let it go]

Do what you want to do! Dude I gave up drink for 5 years for the woman I have 2 children with over 16 years giving up the drink never changed a thing she told my mother I was boaring when I gave up the drink!

 

Mate dont change for anyone be your self if they dont want you f&*( um! If you like a drink, drink dont change who you are!

 

If you want to drink with freinds you do it, dont let it hold you back! dude you aint alcoholic your looking for excuses, friends will be there longer than that bitch its about enjoying your self now.

 

16 years 2 kids, 5 months broken up it will get easier trust me! dont be dependant on any one your a man! grab your nuts look in the mirror and say these words " I AM A MAN"

 

Be a good DAD!

 

change the way you think listen to it again ?? http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3

Edited April 7, 2015 by you must let it go

[Toodaloo]

Good on you Brian.

 

You stand by your guns and make sure you take plenty of time over this one.

 

You can not go back to where you were. That is for certain.

 

If she wants you back then she needs to make some changes too! She can't go dibbling around like a wet flannel. She has to commit and be decisive about this.

 

The exes have to go!

 

They are ex for a reason! Reasons that she seems to have forgotten!

 

When some one hints that something would be nice others take it as a yeah yeah but its not happening. If I go to my bosses and say "a pay rise would be nice please" do you think I would get one? No! If I go in and say I deserve a pay rise and this is why then they will do something about it! Its the same principles here.

 

You are a good man Brian. You are strong, bright, hard working, loyal. She needs to appreciate that!

 

Keep going keep walking in the right direction. Your doing really well.

[Flabreakup]

You must let it go.

Trust me I was definitely an alcoholic and if not for the break up stress I've felt the best I have in many years these last two months without. I had a dui when I was 18 and two more when I was 21. No problems since then but didn't have a license for a long long time and now I have a business that's relys on me being mobile considering it's a mobile truck tire service. If I ever got another dui I would lose my drivers license Forever which means I would lose my business among other things. Trust me I wouldn't give it up if it was just here and there but some people like me do have a problem. I denied it until two months ago but when I go to a bar and drink all night most people would go home but I would stop and get another six or twelve pack and just keep going til I passed out. When you do this four or five nights a week that's a problem. Also about three years ago I had back surgery for a herniated disc and before they do the procedure they do a bunch of test and they mentioned to me I had a high liver enzyme count. Not sure what it meant but it doesn't sound good.

 

My father is dead from it and my mother who is only 51, I'm 35 she had me very young, drinks everyday all day and I'd be surprised if she makes it another two or three years. That would not be fair to my daughter.

So I do get what your saying and I'm not going to stop being me but we can always improve on things too so that's just one of my personal improvements. Honestly I don't miss it at all. I don't miss spending hundreds a week at bars or being hungover almost every day of my life either. I will be getting a bike, it's a passion and I gave that up when the baby came. She didn't make me or anything but I thought it was best at the time. Now last fall her first real love died on one and she has become totally against them but I'm not and am as safe as you can be but I have realized if I'm not happy being me then I certainly can't have a happy relationship. She has realized this also. So I do understand where your coming from and I'm still a man.

 

As toodaloo mentioned I think with her giving me the I want to work this out and she was wrong talk makes me feel even more positive about myself because I did meet several ladies in just the two months we were apart. Without even trying. Of course in my sTate of mind at the time I couldn't give them anything more than friends but it shows to me that I am worth it.

 

Toodaloo

Yes I do agree that she needs to work on the communication part which has been promised me she would do and we can do it together. Being open is very important to her now so I'm hoping for the best.

 

I just have to think we all have our weak moments or times we can't so any way out even if there is one so like I said I'm hopeful it at the same time now know I can do this thing called life myself and just be there for the little one if necessary. Might get hurt again but the risk is worth the reward to me. I really do want it to work out and so does she so we'll just have to see where it goes. No living together for at leave five months til the lease is up so plenty of time to me to see if it goes anywhere.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Toodaloo]

I just have to think we all have our weak moments or times we can't so any way out even if there is one so like I said I'm hopeful it at the same time now know I can do this thing called life myself and just be there for the little one if necessary. Might get hurt again but the risk is worth the reward to me. I really do want it to work out and so does she so we'll just have to see where it goes. No living together for at leave five months til the lease is up so plenty of time to me to see if it goes anywhere.

 

Thats why we are here though. To encourage you to be strong and to remind you when you are weak that its just a blip and you can do this.

 

Good that you have plenty of time.

 

To be honest I would still back off a bit and let her come to you. If you feel that your emotions are catching up with you just say that you can't talk right now and you need time. Then take that time to compose yourself, remind yourself of how things need to be for it to work and make sure you are going in the right direction.

 

Good luck. Can't say I am not hesitant about this but I know you want it so all I will say is be very careful. Do not give up the gym and your meetings and your dreams. Do not give up your time with your daughter. Just take your time.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks

I know everyone is very hesitant to say anything good so I do appreciate it. We are taking things slow as possible. Haven't stayed at her place or vise versa all week. Just our usual pick up and drop off the baby. Made plans for tonight to watch that movie fireball I think it's called. Her idea and she ordered it from Netflix rental. Probably will stay the night then she has plans tomorrow night and Friday we're taking the baby to another carnival. Saturday I have plans with my roommate for a concert.

 

She wasn't feeling to good yesterday so the baby stayed with me the night. Which was nice. Because of my business we didn't do it much during the breakup so I still enjoy every minute with her.

 

She asked her mother to watch the baby on the 24th so we can go and do something in Tampa. Was thinking of a casino cruise type thing. That is the kind of thing we never did. Just had some us time without the friends or baby. I really think she is making a strong effort he and so am I. Although as you said I'm still letting her ask me to do things and spend time just to make sure it's not all me. She does make a bunch of comments about how she should have done things differently and asks if I'm still upset or hurt over her actions shortly before and after the breakup. I tell her the truth about exactly how I felt but those thoughts are lessening with the last few weeks. I really don't want to go back to the way things were. We can be so much happier if we both keep our own lives going and spend our time together when we can doing things we both enjoy and keeping an open mind about the whole situation.

 

I've been doing great at the gym. I was giving the baby a bath the other day when she came to pick up the baby and had my shirt off. She was totally amazed with the physical changes. I know these aren't the important ones but still makes me feel nice when she says wow you have abs now and stuff like that. My fathers brother was a professional body builder and my brother probably could be if he wanted to so since working out for two months now the changes are pretty amazing. Of course the not eating right after the breakup caused a drop of almost 30 pounds in the first month but I'm putting it back on correctly. She now tells me everyday how much she wants to lose weight. I tell her she's wonderful to me but I'll support her anyway I can. Even my daughter gets excited to go to the gym now because she plays with the other kids the parents bring in there childcare room and really likes.

 

Slow but study is my motto.

 

So how are things with you toodaloo? What is the spring like over there. We're in the 90's here already and will be til September now. Sounds better than it really is trust me. Just a few hours out of the shade and your burned or tired very quickly.

[Toodaloo]

Spring is sprung over here. Its freezing cold at night and warm during the day... Well, we British call it warm (its not raining which is a God send) you would probably be shivering!! We are all getting the last of the winter colds and its a doozy... Everyone wondering about snuffling and sneezing! Myself included! The separated guy has gone "off on one" again. I am leaving him to it and moving on. All too much drama for me. I have been on a couple of really great dates recently so we shall see if they lead somewhere. Its all good. After my lapse a couple of weeks ago I am being stricter with myself and harder on myself. Its working.

 

Go careful and don't rush.

 

Seems to me that she is still looking for validation... As if she needs someone to constantly tell her that she is a good girl etc. Careful here as I don't know that she has changed much. Don't forget she went and sought attention else where when you were not able to give her that... Does this mean that if your business takes off (which it sounds as though it may well do) and you have busy periods and can't give her much attention that she is going to go off again?

 

You are worth a lot Brian so don't forget it. Remember your worth (high) and keep looking after yourself. It will be very easy to just slip back into this and get carried away.

 

Well done for keeping your feet on the ground. You really are doing brilliantly. But please be very careful. I can tell you now if it doesn't work out this time you will be in a far worse state than before unless you look after yourself and your emotions...

[BC1980]

I'd be super cautious. Don't let her push the reset button on you. Go to counseling and figure out what caused the breakup on BOTH ends. No doubt your drinking was a factor, but she has issues herself. A lot of people who attracted to people with addictions are co-dependents themselves. Anyone in a LTR is going to have issues. There's just no way you you can be with someone for years with issues cropping up, but it's how you deal with them that matters. With my ex, both of us were non-confrontational, so we swept everything under the rug. When I say we never had one fight in 3 years, I'm being serious.

 

After 2 years together, he wanted to get married. We picked out a ring, and he bought it for me. We started planning the wedding, but he never proposed. After two months, he told me he wasn't sure anymore. He said he needed more time to "make sure" I was the one. I did everything wrong after that. I set out on a mission to prove that I could be worthy of marrying him. A year later, he says he's done, and it's over. We never talked about the issues, and they came back around a year later. Now, granted he was an emotionally abusive sack of sh*t, and I'm glad I'm out of it now. He would never have been open to discussing our problems anyway, which is why I never brought anything up. He had no clue how unhappy I was for that last year we were together. But I'm just saying that problems have a way of coming back around if you don't deal with them. You can put a bandaid on something for awhile, years even, but the root issues always resurface.

 

It's the same thing with your drinking. Whatever drove you to drinking will come back around if you don't deal with it. You could be sober for years, and, one day, something will trigger you to fall off the wagon if you don't deal with the root causes of why you drink. You have to develop positive coping mechanisms, as we all do. Goodness knows I've dealt with my fair share of addiction issues, so I have total empathy for you. I think it would be really positive if you went to AA meetings or any place where you can talk to others who truly understand. It sounds like you are from a family of addicts. But you are doing great for being sober for so long. I hope I didn't sound like a debbie downer. You should be proud of your accomplishment.

 

BTW, high liver enzymes means that your liver is damaged from years of drinking, so let that be an incentive to stop drinking. I don't know if it can be reversed quite honestly, but it would eventually lead to liver failure. I think you are young enough to stop that from happening if you don't drink again. It sounds like your mom isn't going to be able to turn that around though. At some point, the damage is done, and there is no going back. It's a terribly painful and awful way to die I'm sorry to say.

[ZiggyZoo]

Just wanted you to know that is not that we don't want to say anything good about this situation, we're just trying to help you to realize that you shouldn't get carried away and just jump right back in. I think counseling is a must, and you mentioned before that you were interested, but she wasn't. That's a great example of a boundary that you can set and hold to. There are two of you in this relationship, remember. I'm just worried that the both of you are going to put all the failure on your drinking and let the rest slide. Like the other two said, her coping mechanisms aren't the greatest, and that needs to be addressed just as much as YOUR bad coping mechanism (the drinking).

 

Please don't take all the blame here. I can see you already downplaying and justifying the fact that she turned to her ex for emotional support or an ego boost or whatever while you two were still together. Even if she never met up with him, an emotional affair is still an affair. Ask my ex-husband, that's how his started out. That is a big deal, please don't let it get ignored. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. I just see this dynamic playing out where she has graciously allowed you to return to the relationship because you made the changes she wanted, and you're so happy to be back that you don't mind taking the blame.

 

And you know what? If that's the case, you deserve so much better. I hope its not and its just me misreading it. You've made some great progress, I know you'll be fine. Just stick up for yourself, and keep those boundaries.

[BC1980]

Just wanted you to know that is not that we don't want to say anything good about this situation, we're just trying to help you to realize that you shouldn't get carried away and just jump right back in. I think counseling is a must, and you mentioned before that you were interested, but she wasn't. That's a great example of a boundary that you can set and hold to. There are two of you in this relationship, remember.

 

Yikes, that's a huge red flag. He mentioned counseling, and she pushed the idea aside. She is trying to press the reset button and sweep all of this under the rug. Also, she is minimizing what he feels would be necessary to make the relationship work.

[ZiggyZoo]

Yikes, that's a huge red flag. He mentioned counseling, and she pushed the idea aside. She is trying to press the reset button and sweep all of this under the rug. Also, she is minimizing what he feels would be necessary to make the relationship work.

 

Yep yep. And minimizing or avoiding her responsibility for it all not working out. That's dirty pool, from where I'm sitting.

[Toodaloo]

Just wanted you to know that is not that we don't want to say anything good about this situation, we're just trying to help you to realize that you shouldn't get carried away and just jump right back in. I think counseling is a must, and you mentioned before that you were interested, but she wasn't. That's a great example of a boundary that you can set and hold to. There are two of you in this relationship, remember. I'm just worried that the both of you are going to put all the failure on your drinking and let the rest slide. Like the other two said, her coping mechanisms aren't the greatest, and that needs to be addressed just as much as YOUR bad coping mechanism (the drinking).

 

Please don't take all the blame here. I can see you already downplaying and justifying the fact that she turned to her ex for emotional support or an ego boost or whatever while you two were still together. Even if she never met up with him, an emotional affair is still an affair. Ask my ex-husband, that's how his started out. That is a big deal, please don't let it get ignored. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. I just see this dynamic playing out where she has graciously allowed you to return to the relationship because you made the changes she wanted, and you're so happy to be back that you don't mind taking the blame.

 

And you know what? If that's the case, you deserve so much better. I hope its not and its just me misreading it. You've made some great progress, I know you'll be fine. Just stick up for yourself, and keep those boundaries.

 

I am just highlighting this post Brian because it is basically how I think and feel about your situation.

 

I would really love for you to come back in 6 months and say everything is fantastic and we are doing great... But I have my doubts and I don't want to see you getting hurt. I am going to keep fingers crossed for you though and I will say a few prayers and hope that everything turns out well. Lord knows you deserve it after all the work you have put in over the last couple of months.

 

You have come such a long way in such a short space of time. It takes grit and determination and an amazing amount of inner strength to do that. You have achieved it with out any support from her or having many friends or family being there to support you through it! Thats an amazing achievement and you should be proud of yourself for looking after yourself and improving your health so you can care for your daughter as well as you have.

 

Like I say fingers crossed but please look after yourself and be careful.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. I'm taking all of this in and definitely thinking about it all. I must say I've been truly happy these last two weeks now. Still taking it slow but not as slow as I thought. She has asked me to bring some of my work stuff here so I can stay over more but I'm not really feeling that just yet. Actually she was just talking to a friend about the couple weeks before she left or something and it kind of brought some negative feeling on my part. I could clearly see she sensed it and changed the subject quickly.

 

Maybe it's normal to now not be 100% trusting or whatever it is I'm feeling but just for a little while the good vibes left. I really do love seeing my daughter almost everyday though. So not sure what to do but I don't want to jump in either direction too quickly and make a mistake. I guess just keep things as slow as possible and see what happens.

 

I must say she is a tough girl. She helped me change the water pump on my work truck yesterday which was about a three hour job of getting greasy and dirty. And I was super happy. She ended up going on a service call right after with me then we went to her parents farm to work some cattle. Those kind of productive days are what I missed most.

 

Business has been good and still working out and really eating way better than I ever have. For years I mostly ate out now it's a rarity. Never realized how much money I spent on eating and drinking out all the time.

 

I brought up the counseling stuff shortly after our breakup and at that time she was having no part of it but I am going to bring it up again. I'll let you know how it goes. We definitely need to communicate a lot better for this to even have a chance. That much I do know. I also have to let things go more. Just something that always sits back there in my head and pops up sometimes. At least now I know I'll be alright either way.

 

We have been talking a lot and she does seem to take some of the blame for all this. Just as she wrote in that letter years ago things need to be worked out instead of just being hinted around. Well I'm off to see a concert with my friend here and his girl. Should be a fun night.

 

Hope everyone is doing well and thanks for keeping me on my toes in this situation. Still really don't know how it's going to play out and if I can trust again but I'm trying.

[BC1980]

It's completely normal not to trust her at this point. It takes a long time to rebuild trust, and, when someone leaves you, it creates deep trust issues that are difficult to resolve. The trust thing is going to be a big issue moving forward, and, at the very least, she needs to be open and understanding of why you can't trust her right now. Abandonment of the relationship is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome. It's very, very serious and can create a bad dynamic moving forward if you don't deal with it. Everything might be nice in the short term, but trust issues crop up later. Once you loose trust in someone, that's a tough one. Once someone up and leaves you, that's a tough one to repair.

 

I just can't get over how she is so opposed to counseling, and I have to tell you what a bad omen that is. It's not so much the counseling but the fact that she minimizes what you feel is necessary for YOU to continue in a relationship. She also offers no alternatives to counseling. So she's saying that she really isn't all that interested in what you might need to make this go forward. You need to be able to feel that you can come to her with issues, and you can both discuss any problems in a safe space filled with love and understanding from each party. I'm not getting that from her. She's just interested in pressing the reset button and becoming a couple again. I did that once with my ex, and he left me a year later. He didn't leave me the first time, but he wanted time to "reevaluate" where we were going. It was all about him. We never addressed the root problems. He was unwilling to even discuss anything with me. Totally unwilling to look at my wants and needs, my trust issues with him, and all of that bitterness festered on my end.

 

I would love for you to make it work with her because I think it's so important to try when you have a child together. I'm actually rooting for the two of you, but, and it pains me to say this, the way you are going now is not making me optimistic in the long term. I'm also worried about you drinking again at some point. Those of use with addictions need serious counseling and long term support to stay in recovery. Otherwise, you are patching a bandaid onto your problems. Been there and done that one times too many.

 

I'm rooting for you though. I want to see you succeed. Thanks for keeping up updated, and enjoy your weekend.

Edited April 11, 2015 by BC1980

[BC1980]

I brought up the counseling stuff shortly after our breakup and at that time she was having no part of it but I am going to bring it up again. I'll let you know how it goes. We definitely need to communicate a lot better for this to even have a chance. That much I do know. I also have to let things go more. Just something that always sits back there in my head and pops up sometimes. At least now I know I'll be alright either way.

 

If you bring it up again, I would make her aware that if you don't go to counseling, there needs to be some alternative. She can't just have you back with no terms at all. It doesn't work like that. Also, let her know that you are just as willing to do the work on your end. You want to fix the problems for BOTH of you.

 

What do you mean by "letting things go"?

[ZiggyZoo]

Yeah, what are you "letting go"? If it bothers you, it's a valid concern. And I'm totally with BC1980, I would love for this to work, but if she's not willing to put some work in, I agree that it probably won't. It makes a very lopsided situation where you accept blame and she doesn't. That's not fair to anyone, much less you.

 

I'd pay attention to what you felt when you said that the "good vibes left". It's natural that you'd feel better right after getting back together because you don't have the stress and sadness that came with missing her. But just because that's gone, your gut may be telling you that it just isn't the right situation for you anymore. Don't forget, in your old relationship you were ignoring the problems and everything by drinking. Now that you're sober and paying closer attention, you may well be realizing that it isn't what you wanted after all. If it isn't right, it isn't right.

 

Good luck, I'm glad that you're still sticking up for what you want and need and maintaining some boundaries. Thanks for coming back and checking in with all us, it's nice to get updates.

[Toodaloo]

3 for 3 in relation to the question about going to counselling...

 

I am also rooting for you too but please be careful. While I would be really pleased if you could sort it all out I still do have worries that you will be getting yourself into a bad situation.

 

Its great that you have both been spending time just doing every day things though but please be careful. Give her time to miss you and make sure you sort out the communication problems before you let your heart dive back in...

 

Take your time and be careful.

[Toodaloo]

Been a couple of days... hows it going?

[Flabreakup]

It's been going really well. Thanks for asking.

 

By learning to get over it I was referring to her contacting her exs the week before and the couple weeks after she left. She has already told me that she really just wanted to feel wanted and I wasn't showing anything of the sort for a while at that point. The first time we saw each other after she left was about three days later and I got her flowers. She broke down and said to me I really didn't even think you cared anymore. Kinda shows the way I was. But as you all mentioned it wasn't just me because as I was being indifferent she wasn't exactly giving her all and was slowing letting her feelings for me go.

 

I haven't really brought up the counseling but we have been talking an awful lot about everything in a good way. We use to eat dinner with the baby everyday on the couch while watching tv. Now when we are with each other at that time of night we sit at the table and actually have conversations. Something we never did. Our conversations do get pretty deep into what we're both thinking and how we can better the situation. She is definitely taking a lot of this on herself now. So good there too. We're both still doing our own things but enjoying our time together. Still have four and half months till my lease is up so plenty of time to see how it's going to go.

 

I must say it is a very different relationship at this point. I'm not a drunken idiot and am showing her the respect and love I should have been all this time. And she is also being a little more assertive, in a good way which is really nice trust me. I know this is the honeymoon after make up stage or something like that but if we can continue down the road this way and keep talking and having fun I think we'll be alright.

 

However, Keep in mind that after having my heart broken and feeling about as bad as a person can get for a month I'm cautious yet as optimistic as possible.

 

Hope everyone is well

[Toodaloo]

Thats really good news.

 

How is she about you looking at her phone and stuff like that? Is she open and happy to leave computer open around you/ phone around with out taking it everywhere? I only ask as normally when people have something to hide they tuck stuff like that away.

 

Its great that you are both sorting things out but again. Please be careful. If it does carry on like this then that is really positive.

 

How are things at the gym? Are you still going? Still going to your meetings??? Are you still maintaining your boundaries?

 

Keep going. Keep spending time with your daughter on your own as well as with your ex (cross fingers we can change that "ex" to "partner" soon).

 

Keep us updated. Good luck.

[ZiggyZoo]

It's been going really well. Thanks for asking.

 

By learning to get over it I was referring to her contacting her exs the week before and the couple weeks after she left. She has already told me that she really just wanted to feel wanted and I wasn't showing anything of the sort for a while at that point.

 

This is just like when an abusive husband tells is wife "If you didn't make me so angry, I wouldn't have to hit you." It's deflecting blame onto you and not taking responsibility for her own actions.

 

And why haven't you brought up the counseling?

[you must let it go]

Good luck m8 im rooting for you!

[BC1980]

This is just like when an abusive husband tells is wife "If you didn't make me so angry, I wouldn't have to hit you." It's deflecting blame onto you and not taking responsibility for her own actions.

 

And why haven't you brought up the counseling?

 

I gotta agree with you on this because I also understand it first hand. I think one of the most important lessons I learned from my relationship with my ex is how important it is to validate your partner's feelings and at least attempt to show empathy. We all feel things differently, but it gets bad if we minimize our partner's feelings or tell them they shouldn't feel that way. I wasn't perfect at it, but he was downright abusive with it.

[Flabreakup]

Things are still going smoothly. I have my daughter on days she's working and have a lot of fun. Still going to the gym at least every other day. Eating a lot better. By that I mean healthier. I've always liked working out since high school just got away from it the last few years. Glad to be back in it. She is asking me if she can come one day to try to get back into the swing of it. I don't think she's ever been a gym person and that's ok. She mentioned joining one near her house. I'm not leaving the one I go to now. I like it and my daughter loves it. Yesterday she actually wanted to stay longer when I went to get her from the play room. Never had that happen anywhere before. I might talk to the girl that watches the kids about baby sitting. She looks around late high school or early college age and I'm sure I'd pay more than what she makes at the gym for a few hours. One problem the ex always had was never any us time alone so it would be nice.

 

She doesn't hide anything. I think. Of course I don't know and still working through my trust issues. She leaves everything laying around but I haven't looked. Have to start trusting somehow. When I've stayed over her place she has said every morning I can stay with the baby after she leaves for work but I do always leave at the same time. Trying to keep up some boundary there. When we first started this baby steps thing and she apologized I told her I'm not going to be a plan B and I'm not going to try if there would be someone else in the picture whether physically or talking/texting stuff and she said she was done with that and it was all a big mistake so on and so forth. I know how you all feel here but I can't help but think that all this was meant to happen for both of us. We're both doing so much better at this life thing and both really smiling and happy all the time. Even the baby seems happier lately. I know, could just be honeymoon but I riding with it. I now know I can do it on my own but I'd rather try first and go from there.

 

Just an FYI the whole, learning to get over it was me in my own head. It wasn't something that was said or anything like that. I do get your analogies but we both made mistakes. Lots of them in fact. We are both working on them though. We talk a lot right now. I mean more than I ever have with anyone I think. Opposite sex wise that is. So as long as we're talking about things I'm holding off on the counseling for the moment. I don't want to put the brakes on our own deep conversations at this point. If I think it's not going where I'd like it to go or we're not making any progress I'll bring it up. She is being more open than ever and talking about things like she never did before so I'm going to keep this up right now.

 

SHe is right now pretty excited about helping me change the radiator in my truck tomorrow. We're having a lot of fun doing things together that we never really did. I've helped out with cooking and getting the babies room looking good while she's helped with my business stuff and fixing things.

 

Kind of sad but looking back I don't think I've ever had a truely healthy relationship. Whether it was my fault or not I've always been the party guy with the plans and not thinking about the others priorities or feelings. Crappy I know and I'm pretty sure I've never said that out loud but I guess that's what this site is for so just being honest.

 

So on a side note her birthday is this weekend. I've gotten her nice diamond earrings one year and stuff like that but considering our situation I'm trying to think of reasonable gift ideas. I know she wants a few tattoos. What do you think about a gift certificate to a place or just pulling into one as we're driving by surprising like? Kinda how I did it a few weeks ago. Surprised myself! I did get her a retractable cord thing for her ID badge at work that's a flower design she likes. Only a few dollars and she mentioned she needed one. It's her 30th so want to do something nice something naughty something sweet just something different I guess. Ive always been kind of predictable and would just flat out ask what she wants but these are new times and I want to see a surprising look.

 

Well off to bed. Thanks for listening.