Fiance left gave back ring

[Flabreakup]

Need to change this whole thing to how to deal with a woman that you have to see and no longer want too. Don't even want to be in the same state but I'm stuck like an idiot because of daughter. They were even talking about me and how they with they could have there kids without having to deal worh or ever be with us. Can't stop pacing and thinking and pacing. Still in shock and do t know to how handle all this

[ZiggyZoo]

Oh, man...I am so, so sorry that you had to find that out like you did. There's nothing worse than finding out that someone has been lying to you, when they know how you feel about them. The good thing about this though is that now you know how she feels and what she's up to, and you can act accordingly. It may be the only good thing at the moment, but it is actually going to save you so much grief in the end.

 

And guess what? My worst break-up ever was when I found out that my ex-husband had been cheating on me with another woman. I also accidently found out, and we have three girls together. So, I've been where you are, and I can absolutely tell you what worked for me and be here to listen. The main piece of advice I'd say is to NOT do anything out of your anger. Oh, I know how pissed you are right now, and you have every right to be. But it will bite you in the ass when it comes to any custody stuff, and you will look back and feel like an idiot for acting like that over such a piece of trash. The best thing is to ignore her completely, except for the little one, and be just as polite as can be.

 

It'll be hard for a bit, dealing with her, but just try to make your encounters as short as possible. I would get so pissed at my ex's voice too, that I ended up only communicating with him by text. This was good because 1) it gave me a sec to cool off and respond when he wasbeing a tool and 2) I had a record of our conversations. This might be good for you especially down the road with custody and visitation stuff.

 

I'm not going to lie, the next month is going to be rough. Hang in there, keep posting on here, and keep going to your AA meetings. You've done great with your sobriety, and staying that way and dealing with this pain is the best way to work through it for good, so it doesn't linger for years and years. You can always PM me, I'm happy to listen and give advice. And of course, look around here. There's a lot of people going through this with kids. It'll be hard because you do have to have some interaction with her, but I know you can do it.

[Toodaloo]

Oh Dear Lordy

 

I have to say I was not expecting that.

 

Right game plan change.

 

You need to keep doing everything you were before

1. Keep going to meetings

2. Keep going to gym

3. Keep eating

4. Keep working and concentrating on yourself.

 

Seems to me she has GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome).

 

From here on in absolutely no talk of your relationship to her.

Talk to friends, family, us but not her.

From here on in you only speak to her about your daughter and that is it.

No more jolly little outings together. Your daughter spends time with you - your ex does not. So no more kind things or nice gestures.

No more new phones etc. When the contract runs out do not renew it. If you can, get out of it now (why the hell should you pay for her calls to random blokes?)

 

Still go to Disney land with your daughter.

Take a friend along for moral support.

If she wants to talk relationships just say no. You don't have one with her.

Arrange for a maintenance payment to be made to her account by direct debit for your daughters care.

 

I am so sorry. I honestly thought that yours was a situation that could be turned round.

 

Time to revert to "getting over them" mode.

[Flabreakup]

Definitely didn't think she was that kind of person but two weeks shows what I was worth. No talk no nothing. Phones done I'm sending it back and getting I to get over it mode. Just hate being stuck here for a long long time because of my daughter.

 

Haven't eatin slept or done anything but pace and let my mind run will. Haven't drank though and damn I want to. Trying to think of the baby and myself now. Can't beleive after years I really didn't know her at all. Thought so much more highly. Just seems crazy but I'm sure it happens more often I think. I know I did my wrong stuff but always had a dream of a family together forever through anything. It seems everything has been shattered. I get that she left but not this other stuff. Hurts worse than the first day

 

Thanks for your support. Gotta think of something to do here

[BC1980]

Definitely didn't think she was that kind of person but two weeks shows what I was worth. No talk no nothing. Phones done I'm sending it back and getting I to get over it mode. Just hate being stuck here for a long long time because of my daughter.

 

Haven't eatin slept or done anything but pace and let my mind run will. Haven't drank though and damn I want to. Trying to think of the baby and myself now. Can't beleive after years I really didn't know her at all. Thought so much more highly. Just seems crazy but I'm sure it happens more often I think. I know I did my wrong stuff but always had a dream of a family together forever through anything. It seems everything has been shattered. I get that she left but not this other stuff. Hurts worse than the first day

 

Thanks for your support. Gotta think of something to do here

 

Whatever you did wrong doesn't justify her taking your money while she's talking to another guy. I cant emphasize enough not to trust people who say one thing and do another. They will never be honest with you and are always claiming they are confused. She wants you around as her back up while she enjoys the single life. Happened to me as well, and it's infuriating in the end. At least you found out now.

[Chi townD]

Definitely didn't think she was that kind of person but two weeks shows what I was worth. No talk no nothing. Phones done I'm sending it back and getting I to get over it mode. Just hate being stuck here for a long long time because of my daughter.

 

Haven't eatin slept or done anything but pace and let my mind run will. Haven't drank though and damn I want to. Trying to think of the baby and myself now. Can't beleive after years I really didn't know her at all. Thought so much more highly. Just seems crazy but I'm sure it happens more often I think. I know I did my wrong stuff but always had a dream of a family together forever through anything. It seems everything has been shattered. I get that she left but not this other stuff. Hurts worse than the first day

 

Thanks for your support. Gotta think of something to do here

 

 

Yeah dude. Time to move on. I can't believe she was sexting with someone else while she was with you!! That's pretty disrespectful!

 

 

I agree with what someone else wrote. Have your child support direct deposited into your Ex's account. You need to do a modified NC on her.

 

 

If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Listen to it afterward. If it's about your daughter, TEXT back. Do not call. If it's something other than your daughter, ignore it. IF it's to see how you are? Ignore it. Respond only to texts or voicemails about your daughter ONLY and do it by text.

 

 

When it comes time to pick her up and drop her off. Grab her an go. Don't be angry or rude. Be calm and civil, gather your daughter and go. Don't engage in conversations with her, only speak about your daughter and keep your answers to one or two word answers to anything other than your daughter.

 

 

Take control of the only thing you can right now and that's YOU. Look out for you and your daughter. Start and continue to make positive changes in your life.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. Still in real disbelief she was doing this the whole time. I will not be a backup plan that's for sure. Just feel like a real pile right now. Can't get any of this off my mind and really don't want to see her ever again.

 

Everything I did for the last four years seems like a waste and she's out having a good time. Doesn't seem right. I know I wasn't as good as I could have been but wouldn't have done that to her. Ever. Just not that kind of person. I know you say what to do but it doesn't make this whole thing any easier. Can't drink my sorrow away or have friends around to have my own fun with. Just stuck here. Even considering leaving for good but the poor little girl doesn't deserve that.

 

Have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere but I'll be ok. Always have been. Thanks again

[BC1980]

Thanks. Still in real disbelief she was doing this the whole time. I will not be a backup plan that's for sure. Just feel like a real pile right now. Can't get any of this off my mind and really don't want to see her ever again.

 

Everything I did for the last four years seems like a waste and she's out having a good time. Doesn't seem right. I know I wasn't as good as I could have been but wouldn't have done that to her. Ever. Just not that kind of person. I know you say what to do but it doesn't make this whole thing any easier. Can't drink my sorrow away or have friends around to have my own fun with. Just stuck here. Even considering leaving for good but the poor little girl doesn't deserve that.

 

Have no motivation to do anything or go anywhere but I'll be ok. Always have been. Thanks again

 

Don't make any decisions for a year. Everyday you will want something different.

[Flabreakup]

Yea I guess that makes sense. Just felt really low. Went out for the first time tonight my only friend around here made me and it's just strange being at a big bar and not drinking. Did meet some people. Thought I'd forget how too.

 

Have tons of thoughts of her with this other guy and my daughter around them. Get get them to stay out of my head. Don't understand why it still hurts after what I know and what she's done during the last month. I wish I didn't give her anything. Can't get over that I was such an idiot to believe what she was saying to me.

 

One minute sad next mad and still in pain the whole time. Strange I started scratching my chest when she first left and think I'm actually getting stress hives or something. Sometimes their there and sometimes their not. Wish there was a way not to look at her again but still have the baby. Have to see her tomorrow and don't know what I'm going to do or say. She's just happy right now and I'm a mess. And still think if I wasnt a drunk and treated her right she would have never left.

 

I've gone through different emotions just writing this. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. Except maybe her.

[Flabreakup]

So of course woke up with crazy sweats and nightmares. And before I opened my eyes she was in my head already. Just don't know how to get even a moments peace. I can actually feel my chest beating harder than it should.

[BC1980]

So of course woke up with crazy sweats and nightmares. And before I opened my eyes she was in my head already. Just don't know how to get even a moments peace. I can actually feel my chest beating harder than it should.

 

It's completely normal to feel this way at this juncture. I remember being unable to eat very much for a few days because I was so anxious, and I had this sick feeling in my stomach. I remember having a vivid dream in which my ex revealed he had cheated on me, and I woke up crying. It seemed that real to me. You're trying to comprehend a lot of things right now, and it's overwhelming. Your emotions are all over the place. One minute, you hate her. The next minute, you will miss her and blame yourself. It's all normal when you go through something like this, and it's traumatic. It's the breakup of your family unit.

 

Right now, the best plan is to keep a routine. Keep working out, going to AA meetings, going to work, don't lie in bed all day. Make yourself get up and do something, anything, productive. At this point, I remember just doing well to make it through the day. I actually wanted to go to work because it gave me a sense or normalcy/routine, and I could be around other people. What kind of support system do you have back home? Anyone you can call and talk to? Don't talk to your ex's mother about the relationship because the mother's loyalty is to your ex. It doesn't matter what your ex did, her family will always side side with her.

 

Often times, I wouldn't know what to do each day, and it almost seemed like an out of body experience. Like all of this wasn't really happening to me. Right now, your entire picture of normalcy as imploded, and you are trying to pick up the pieces. My ex broke up with me the night before we were supposed to start our pre-marriage counseling with the pastor who was going to marry us. I literally went from that idea of marriage to moving out the same night. It's a total shock to your system. For awhile, I would still wake up on weekends with the idea that we were going to see his son play on his soccer team. You go from having what you think is a stable family unit to nothing. I used to compare it to someone dump you out on the side of the road without a compass, and telling you to figure out how to get back home. All of us get it. We truly have been there, and we feel your pain.

 

I think you should tell her that you would prefer to only talk about your child. That you still wish to remain cordial with regards to your daughter, but that is all. You need to move on, and the best way to do that is to cut ties beyond child care.

Edited February 28, 2015 by BC1980

[Toodaloo]

Whatever you did wrong doesn't justify her taking your money while she's talking to another guy. I cant emphasize enough not to trust people who say one thing and do another. They will never be honest with you and are always claiming they are confused. She wants you around as her back up while she enjoys the single life. Happened to me as well, and it's infuriating in the end. At least you found out now.

 

Can not agree more with this.

 

She is clearly not who you thought she was.

 

Do not make any major decisions at the moment. Just concentrate on getting through each day.

 

You are not at fault for her doing this. At no point during my relationship nor for a few months after breaking up with my drunk ex did I even think of being with another man. All this shows is that your relationship was more disfunctional than you thought and its not your fault.

 

The good thing is that it has given you an oppourtunity. That oppourtunity is to go out and be the best man you can be. You can concentrate on staying sober (well done going to a bar, you do get used to it eventually and it doesn't bother you after a while if you drink or not), going out, making new friends of your own and working hard. You can be a wonderful father to your daughter and in time a wonderful partner to a woman who will not do this to you. Just concentrate on the basics for now and give yourself time to grieve and get over this woman.

 

Everything you are going through with the dreams and the sweats etc is all normal. It does pass. Until it does we are all here for you.

 

Stick to just talking to your daughter and keep all contact with your ex to an absolute bare minimum. Make those child support payments as a direct debit so you do not have to speak to her about it nor does she have any reason at all to speak to you.

 

From here on in she doesn't get the support from you that she has had in the past. She has made her bed so now is the time for her to sleep in it.

 

I suggest instead of you helping her move that you box up her things leave them packed and let her pick them up or preferably send her father/ brother round to pick them up. Its time to regain control over your home and your space. She is no longer a part of it. Its for you and your daughter now not her. Your daughters things can stay in her room. After all its still her home.

 

Good luck.

 

Keep going one step at a time.

[Flabreakup]

I know what you all are saying and it makes so much sense to me. Its just hard to get past we were talking and hanging out so much. Letting go of that hope seems impossible. The guy she's texting lives six hours away and will never come here nor leave his famiy. Its someone she was with before me and I never knew it. Just don't know why she would do that after only two weeks. She said it was just meaningless texting and she wants to experience life herself and still wants me in and she doesn't know what's going to happen in the future. All that kind of stuff.

 

But like someone said she's probably been on the fence with me longer than I thought. She even still talked about a few months or something and just trying to find herself and so on. I know it means nothing. I just miss them so and saw them only two days ago.

 

I know I have to move on and whatever happens happens but assume nothing will. She was always great to me though and I can't get over the feeling I lost the best thing I'll ever have. Never had one before like her so I don't see any bright future for me.

 

Laid in bed all day because I really have nowhere to go and nothing to do. Funny because its the same thing I use to do just with my family. Can a man really just give up on their family dream that easily. I just can't see me getting over this. Never felt like this before and had other relationships end but wasn't the same and I was home. Does it really get easier knowing she's enjoying life and I don't even want to exist right now. Can't even think about being strong for my daughter. Almost think she's better off without me.

[NopeNah]

Yes it does get easier and with your new found knowledge of the real her,that should help. All you should focus on from here forward is improving yourself for your and your daughters future. There will be other women in that future for you. Life does indeed go on.

[Flabreakup]

It really doesn't feel like it right now. I think she's been gone longer than I thought and my own actions drove this to happeneing so why can't I win her back. I know I can't talk to her right now and I'm not doing that but some part of me has to believe I can get my family back together one day. People have split up for a period of time and ended up back together why can't we.

 

Don't know if this is denial or reaching or something. I can't can't think of moving Without them both Even though I have too. Everyone says do something but I can't think of a reason to get out of bed it's already been a month and feels like the night she left. I don't feel strong enough to do this with no hope. Doesn't seem I'm worth anything right now. Couldn't treat her the way she deserved

[NopeNah]

It really doesn't feel like it right now. I think she's been gone longer than I thought and my own actions drove this to happeneing so why can't I win her back. I know I can't talk to her right now and I'm not doing that but some part of me has to believe I can get my family back together one day. People have split up for a period of time and ended up back together why can't we.

 

Don't know if this is denial or reaching or something. I can't can't think of moving Without them both Even though I have too. Everyone says do something but I can't think of a reason to get out of bed it's already been a month and feels like the night she left. I don't feel strong enough to do this with no hope. Doesn't seem I'm worth anything right now. Couldn't treat her the way she deserved

Take her off the pedestal and replace her with your kid! She's NO saint,brother!

[Stercrazy]

Sounds like you're stuck. You're waiting for something to happen that's not going to happen. You're stuck at acceptance. Fact of the matter is just like a junky needs drugs......your ex is drugs. That's how the brain works. You can survive and you will survive.

[BC1980]

It really doesn't feel like it right now. I think she's been gone longer than I thought and my own actions drove this to happeneing so why can't I win her back. I know I can't talk to her right now and I'm not doing that but some part of me has to believe I can get my family back together one day. People have split up for a period of time and ended up back together why can't we.

 

Don't know if this is denial or reaching or something. I can't can't think of moving Without them both Even though I have too. Everyone says do something but I can't think of a reason to get out of bed it's already been a month and feels like the night she left. I don't feel strong enough to do this with no hope. Doesn't seem I'm worth anything right now. Couldn't treat her the way she deserved

 

Denial and bargaining are strong. I was still experiencing some denial after many months, but it lessens over time. You can't be expected to accept everything right now. Your mind will help you accept it piece by piece. When someone dumps you, they have already been through their own denial/bargaining stages. You just didn't know it. She was pulling away bit by bit, and I still think she waited until she finished nursing school to deal the final blow. Something kinda similar actually happened to me. My ex was studying for his re-certification boards for months, and he dumped me the day after he took the boards. I'm sure he planned it that way because it's a big test you only take every 10 years. He didn't want any drama before he took the test, and I get that. Still, it makes you feel like a disposable piece of trash. Looking back, there were so many subtle signs that he was checking out, and he had been on the fence for awhile as it was. Once he decided to officially check out, it was no big deal for him, so you can't project how you feel onto the other person.

 

I'll emphasize again that you simply cannot take her at her word. She might say that she needs time or that it can work in the future, but talk is so cheap. She's truly only saying those things to keep you around as a backup plan. People say a lot of things in the moment that they can't back up with actions. Look at her actions. She moved out. She's texting another guy, which means she has emotionally checked out. It doesn't matter if she never sees this guy in person. Her being open to talking to him means that she has moved on. You can't even imagine being with someone else, but she is ready to be with someone else. You are on a completely different playing field than her.

 

I know that you want to fight for your family and not give up, but the fact of the matter is that she has already given up. You can't fight if one person doesn't want to. You also can't completely blame yourself. We all have our faults, and none of us were perfect in our relationships. Could I have done some things better? Sure. But the same can be said for my ex. Even if you changed every problem she has with you, it's too late. By the time someone breaks up with you, it's too late to make all of these changes because the dumper doesn't care anymore. You've had 5 years to reinforce who you are to her, and she has formed her opinion of you. That doesn't change. Whatever she thinks of you, good or bad, you can't change that right now.

[Flabreakup]

I do understand what your saying and I'm sure her opinion of me is isnt very high right now because she did leave and has been talking to someone else. Also I looked at her phone which I've never done before so now she has a trust issue with me too I guess. I just can't get over how she can leave once I quit the drinking and have been doing everything right and it means absolutely nothing right now. I'm sure it does but it doesn't change how I feel.

 

I know I'm obsessing about something out of my control but it's a month now. That first month I had a lot of hope and she was saying all the right things, of course while talking to this other guy for the last two weeks. Why would she tell me these things anyway. I felt bad then But terrible now.

 

I don't get why she wouldn't tell me it's over and always will be and still after the messages said the same thing. Maybe I don't know or we'll see. My feelings can't get anymore hurt so what's the point. This just makes me hold on to something that is clearly gone.

 

Met a girl last night and she stopped by today. Thought it would help by getting back at her but I just couldn't do anything. Only had my ex on my mind. How is it she can move on and I cant.

 

When I see her tomorrow when she drops of the baby My anxiety is going to go through the roof and it's going to ruin my time with Khloe. No matter how much I don't want it to it will. It did when I thought I had a chance now I'm almost afraid too.

 

My life dream was to have a normal family not like my upbringing and that's all over now. You guys are right emotions and thoughts are all over the place. I can't see this ever getting better without having them back or at least a shot to try.

[Flabreakup]

So 5:30 am and still no sleep. Can't get her off my mind even though I know what has been going on. Habe the baby coming in five hours so need some rest.

 

It's been a month now and everyday is getting worse. I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I want to I just don't.

 

Looked out our phone Bill from the month before we broke up. Seems she's been talking to one that she only slept with before we were together and her ex boyfriend who dumped her eight years ago during the two weeks prior to our breakup. One lives six hours away with a baby and wife and the other lives 1500 miles away and also has a girl. I don't understand her thinking pattern. I also dont understand how with knowing this i still want my family back.

 

I need to get slapped or something because I still feel like it all my fault for treating her badly and drinking. You'd think knowing this I would start to feel different about her. I just don't get it.

[BC1980]

Looked out our phone Bill from the month before we broke up. Seems she's been talking to one that she only slept with before we were together and her ex boyfriend who dumped her eight years ago during the two weeks prior to our breakup. One lives six hours away with a baby and wife and the other lives 1500 miles away and also has a girl. I don't understand her thinking pattern. I also dont understand how with knowing this i still want my family back.

 

Well, there ya go. The proof is there, and she didn't even care to hide it. Like I said, she waited until she graduated nursing school to make a strategic exit. I know it's a slap in the face, but it's better to find this out sooner rather than later. My ex strung me along for 8 months after our breakup until I went NC. He got engaged 5 months later to a woman he knew when we were together. So, yeah. . . . people will play both sides.

 

I've heard it all when it comes to an ex stringing you along. My ex sent me a card on what would have been our anniversary, had a gift delivered to my house on my birthday (which was 6 months before he got engaged to his new woman), talked on and on about how he supposedly needed time, said he wanted to keep my engagement ring and hoped I would wear it one day, wanted to wear his wedding band one day, just crazy sh*t. But I was like you. I bought it hook, line, and sinker at the time. No one could talk sense into me. Everyone was telling me what we are telling you, but I refused to believe it.

 

After he sent me the birthday gift, I called to thank him. We cried, and he said how much he still loved me and wanted it to work. But he just needed time. A month later, I went NC because I couldn't live like that anymore. 6 months later, he was engaged. I mean, he was obviously playing both of us and using me as a backup in case the other woman fell through. I would never have dreamed that this guy would have done this to me. Never in a million years. Our mutual friends were shocked. I'm telling you all of this so you will know that you can't trust someone who is saying one thing and doing another. Right now, you are being used a backup in case her plans don't come through.

[BC1980]

I don't get why she wouldn't tell me it's over and always will be and still after the messages said the same thing. Maybe I don't know or we'll see. My feelings can't get anymore hurt so what's the point. This just makes me hold on to something that is clearly gone.

 

Why? Because she needs to hedge her bets. A person who is self-aware and has empathy for the other person would be honest. You think she really cares all that much about how this is hurting you? I doubt it. If she cared that much about YOU, she would be cruel to be kind. She would cut you off and tell you there is no hope. As it is, she strings you along, taking your money (I'm sorry, but I can't let that go. It's deplorable), and has been talking to other men on the side. So I think we've established that her concern isn't for you.

[Flabreakup]

I know what your saying I just find it so hard to give up the idea of a happy family and having my daughter everyday. I have to I know. Doesn't seem fair she can move on and I cant. I still have to feel she'll see the grass isn't greener in time but I'm sure it's no time soon. Doesn't change that I can't get her out of my mind.

 

Screwed up today though. I thought she was coming over to drop off the baby but ended up staying. Said she wanted to pack but was here for almost six hours and packed for one. I know I shouldn't have let her but my heart just won't let me. I will try harder though. Talked a lot. Said she's done with the other two guys but nothing positive about us. Just the usual. I keep clinging to every word like an idiot but can't help it.

 

Just was texting and she tells me she wants a break from the friendly stuff. I didn't know or ask her to stay. So confusing. Had some very strange conversations too. She told me after a break up she always goes back to an ex. Both guys were exs she was texting. Guess she just wants some new or different attention. I know i don't feel any love most of the time she's around from her and that's gone right now so why can't I get rid of mine?

 

One minute we're good and having fun and the next we're just in the same room. I'd really like to gain the power back from her that she's taken. Funny one month ago today I wore the pants and now she's clearly in control. I probably deserve it because of my actions through four years but still feel like complaining. Never knew what I had when I had it. Don't think I'll ever do as good again. Didn't before.

[BC1980]

What does she mean by wanting a break from the friendly stuff?

[Flabreakup]

I assume she means spending time with the baby together like we have been since she left. Which is confusing because she did just today and it wasn't disccused ahead of time or anything. I thought she was just dropping the baby off. Of course, she'll finally be moving into her place this week so she won't have to sit around her parents house all the time. We did talk a little relationship stuff which I tried not to do so probably a good idea anyway.