Fiance left gave back ring

[Flabreakup]

Yea I really don't see it but I'm on the inside so it's understandable. It would be hard for her to just not talk because of the baby but I'm sure she could be much colder if she wanted to be. Maybe her talking to me so much and spending time is just her way of letting go slowly or taking it easy on me. I sure hope not though.

 

I haven't started the book yet. I'm somewhat hesitant to read about love when I'm in such heartache. My chest still hurts every minute and particularly when I'm abiut to see her or am actually with her. Don't know that I would be able to concentrate but I will give it a try tomorrow or later today.

 

Have to pick the baby up in the am so I'll let you know how that goes. I'm just going to be cordial and not bring up anything about relationships.

 

On a side note after the doc yesterday we took my work truck to get meds for the baby and it's only a one seat truck so she sat in the middle. And I jokingly said no ones ever sat that close and All I need now is a kiss and she said don't push your luck. Very light hearted.

 

It's still mind boggling to think I took her for granted for so long. You truly never know what you have til it's gone. It's really sad that all I had to do was show I cared more often and support her ideas but I was too much worried about myself and the beer. Most days it feels like the day she left all over again.

 

One shot at redemption is all I think about. But I hope your having a fun weekend!

[Toodaloo]

Hi Brian

 

Its typical British weather over here so rain, rain and a bit more rain!

 

The book describes how people give and receive "love". Its not very romantic and gives examples of couples who either have or are close to break up and how to change things round. Think of it as you would a business problem or a practical way to help you resolve your problem. I read it in preparation for my next relationship as I was sure something had been going wrong and also to learn about myself. It was eye opening and explained a lot. Its more practical than romantic.

 

If it were final there would not be the joking. If she didn't have that something there the little one would be dropped off with very little chatter. It would be business like and abrupt. She is keeping you involved and keeping the communication lines open. You just have to learn how to best keep them open and utilize them so you can make sure that all this hard work doesn't go to waste.

 

I know its difficult but you can do this. You are perfectly capable. It just seems highly daunting at the moment. Life is full of ups and downs. Your on a down at the moment which means that an up is on its way.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks I really appreciate your optimism. I have the baby today and we talked a little bit when I picked her up but I still get the we'll see and it's too soon or maybe.

 

I'm trying not to bring things up but it just happens.

 

So today she invited me to her friends house who I was friends with the husband. We hung out til 10 at night and they were all drinking and having fun so was minus the drinking. When we went to leave her friend brought up some relationship stuff and things went south pretty quick.

 

Her and I talked and of course she got upset and said she's a mess and that no matter what I fix about me that she can't fix herself. She was a little on the drunk side so not sure if there true feelings or just sad talk. She told me she's really not sure there's any hope and she really doesn't know if there is a chance left. And she feels it wasn't all my fault that it was hers too for not putting a stop to it earlier.

 

She also said she wished I would move on and find happiness because she's a mess and unfixable. Her exact words in a text I got before she passed out. Before the relationship stuff got brought up we were having a great night laughing and joking and talking about anything and everything with her friends for hours.

 

I really pray she was just upset and the drink got to her a little. Her best friend was talking to her about me and us and is kind of the give me another chance side and she really felt like she was ganged up on.

 

Don't know if spending time with her while she's drinking is the way to go or I just completely ruined it.

[Flabreakup]

I really thought we were making progress until this. It just seems every time any relationship talk Is brought up she gets really upset and cry. I don't know if she Cruz because of the hurt or that she really is just having a hard time getting over it but wants too

 

She wrote me the below text then immediately passed out. She was definitely drunk and stopped about an hour earlier and started drinking water. She rarely gets like that

 

It's not just bringing it up, it's little comments here and there... and this hope you have that I don't have. I really don't know that there is another chance for us and I need you to understand that. I wasn't perfect in our relationship either and I do blame myself for part of it. I need you to get that. I just don't know that we work together and I do wish you would move on and find happiness. I'm a mess and am unfixable

 

Like I said she was pretty tipsy and was just getting over getting upset a half hour earlier. During the night her best friend was talking to her when they had a moment and she was telling her that she needs time still and it's too soon. But that was before she got upset and too drunk.

 

I just really seems one day forward and another day right back to the we'll see or I don't know. After she got upset I kept my cool and tried to reason with her and said straight to her do you want me to stop working on things and just give up and she said again I don't know and shrugged her shoulders. Never a yes just give up and be done. Album the way the above text was after she got home and she was out two minutes later.

 

Think I should just think of as over but I can't bring myself to just give up when she's not saying give up. I think the happiness part she wants me to find was kind of she was feeling sad or something. I really just don't know but I do know that men don't give up on there love and family. Really didn't want to talk about any of this as the night was going great and we were even making future plans before it all went drunk and dark on me.

 

Don't really know what to do at this point.

[Toodaloo]

Well that certainly is a turn for the worse.

 

She does sound very messed up. I think your best bet is to just concentrate on being the best you can be for your daughter at the moment.

 

Its going to be rough for you but at this point in time she is not in a state to be romantically involved with any one. I think she needs to do what you are doing!!

 

So make sure you eat. Make sure you look after yourself. Go out and find some activities to get involved in so you can make new friends away from this relationship. Concentrate on work and keeping the house up together. Keep going to those meetings and to the gym. Its all you can do at this point. Plan fun things to do with your daughter and plan plenty of contact so she knows you love her.

 

I am so sorry. Drink rarely brings out the best in people... She clearly felt under a great deal of pressure and its put things right back. Obviously her friends and family do not want you both breaking up either. Doesn't help you at all so best to just leave it be and let the dust settle.

[Flabreakup]

Crazy to think we were hanging out for six hours yesterday having a great time then boom all of this.

 

I'm going to do my best here to hold it together and keep things going in my own mind. It's been three weeks so with some big time luck she just needs a lot more time. If not I really just have to try to move on as she says. Don't know how if she was the one that brought me happiness and I ruined it.

 

She has an interview tomorrow and is looking at a place today so maybe she just needs to get her situation settled a little I don't know just holding on to something here. I know she hates being at her parents house.

 

As usual one day great and next day terrible. In this case it was in the same day. She really was being open the whole day until late when things got brought up and the drink kicked in.

[Flabreakup]

Yea not much sleep here tonight. Worst night in a while. Really feeling hopeless at the moment.

 

We were even planning on going to mickeys magic show as a group in two weeks before this happened earlier in the night.

 

Just talked to her friend and she said we both need to back off or we'll just push her further away. She said all she told her last night was that she doesn't know what she wants and just needs time. So her best friend said to just keep the focus and our daughter and back off everything for a while. She's still in a lot of hurt. Nothing really different than what I already knew just was hoping to have more progress by this time.

 

Time I have a lot of but also the more time that passes the better chance she'll be the one moving on as she's a great girl and will go quick when she wants too.

Edited February 23, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Chi townD]

Dude, she was drunk! Never read into a drunk text.

[Toodaloo]

Dude, she was drunk! Never read into a drunk text.

 

Second vote for this.

 

OK so its a step back. That doesn't mean that you stop working on yourself.

 

Its not looking good but thats no reason to stop or give up. Don't forget the other woman in your life. She may be tiny but she is very important too and needs her Daddy.

 

Just keep going. Don't push. Her friend is right. Perhaps next time a conversation comes up with others like that you cut it dead and just say something along the lines of "things are tough at the moment, we don't know how it will work out, but now is not the time to talk about it or we may end up ruining a great evening, so please just let us work it out in our own time" then change the subject straight away.

[BC1980]

OP, I read most of your thread, and I think I commented in another thread you had. I'm sorry about all of this because I was in something very similar. She does not want to be with you, and there really is very little hope of her changing her mind. She's made very concrete steps to break from you, like moving out. She gave the ring back. It's possible this has been coming for awhile, but she waited until she would be financially independent. Don't you find the timing the least bit suspicious?

[Flabreakup]

Yea I definitely figured that out. I'm reading way too much into every little action.

 

On a side note we did have to talk a few minutes ago for our daughter and she said she didn't even remember what she said last night. So I guess that's a good thing.

 

I also told her that I would help her move since she doesn't have to many guy friends. It will be hard but better I show I care and am here to help in anyway I can. Of course I don't want her too but I think once she's working and has a place there will be a lot less stress on her and she can open up a bit. She also said more than once that leases can be broken or expire.

 

Also, she did say she wanted to go to the Mickey magic show in two weeks so I'm going to get us tickets. We're only an hour from Disneylworld so I think it shows I'm trying to do family things and of course she has no doubts about me taking care of our daughter. Have her tonight and again all day tomorrow while she goes to an interview.

 

Definitely not going to bother her when she's drinking again. I need her to associate good times with me instead of crying. Thanks for listing to me. Means a lot

[Toodaloo]

On a side note we did have to talk a few minutes ago for our daughter and she said she didn't even remember what she said last night. So I guess that's a good thing.

 

Brilliant! That means you can completely ignore it and its not going to cause any backward steps. Very positive.

 

I also told her that I would help her move since she doesn't have to many guy friends. It will be hard but better I show I care and am here to help in anyway I can. Of course I don't want her too but I think once she's working and has a place there will be a lot less stress on her and she can open up a bit. She also said more than once that leases can be broken or expire.

 

Again very positive. You are showing your support and she is thinking about coming home after its worked out.

 

Also, she did say she wanted to go to the Mickey magic show in two weeks so I'm going to get us tickets. We're only an hour from Disneylworld so I think it shows I'm trying to do family things and of course she has no doubts about me taking care of our daughter. Have her tonight and again all day tomorrow while she goes to an interview.

 

Again very positive, you get to spend some quality time with your baby girl and show your support.

 

Definitely not going to bother her when she's drinking again. I need her to associate good times with me instead of crying. Thanks for listing to me. Means a lot

 

Your welcome.

 

I am glad she doesn't remember the chat thing. Just let it go and ignore it. But be firm in not brining up the subject and if anyone else does cut them dead and tell them you both need time to work things out to whatever conclusion you both decide is best.

 

Nope I am more positive again. Well done. Keep at it.

[Flabreakup]

OP, I read most of your thread, and I think I commented in another thread you had. I'm sorry about all of this because I was in something very similar. She does not want to be with you, and there really is very little hope of her changing her mind. She's made very concrete steps to break from you, like moving out. She gave the ring back. It's possible this has been coming for awhile, but she waited until she would be financially independent. Don't you find the timing the least bit suspicious?

 

 

Her parents are pretty rich so she could have left at anytime. She took the rn test twice and failed. She left me a week before her third try after I got into another drunkin argument so I don't think the timing was anything important.

 

As far as moving she has told me that if she did try and things didn't work out that she wouldn't want to be stuck going back to her parents house. Which I understand. And she never really liked the area we moved to too begin with. I like it because it's close to the interstate which is where I do most of my road service business at. She has mentioned more than once that leases can be broken.

 

I know where your coming from and right not she definitely does not want to be with me. No question about that. But at the same time we hang out for hours every week and just yesterday she invited me to the friends house and we spent six good fun joking hours together.

 

She's a very genuine woman so when she says she doesn't know or needs time I have to believe her. I know I need to take my own steps to move forward which I'm trying but I just can't give up on my family and her until I know there's no chance whatsoever. Just me I guess. She also told me she has to get over the hurt before she can think of giving me a try and I caused a whole lot of it.

[Flabreakup]

I will definitely cut any conversation short if it comes up again in a group like that. Her best friend even said she was going to back off and I should do the same. She is a very sensitive woman so I have to be very careful if I have any hope left

 

I haven't even talked to her best friend since we broke up and to find out that she thought I was being sincere and was trying to help so a little boost for me too. While they were drinking last night they were texting each other while we were all sitting around and she just kept saying she needs time and still wasn't sure what to do and I don't know.

 

I know I'm still not even remotely close but I have to keep a little bit of confidence up and just keep moving forward. Try to prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

[Toodaloo]

As far as moving she has told me that if she did try and things didn't work out that she wouldn't want to be stuck going back to her parents house. Which I understand. And she never really liked the area we moved to too begin with. I like it because it's close to the interstate which is where I do most of my road service business at. She has mentioned more than once that leases can be broken.

 

 

Just a thought but have you thought about a compromise if you do get back together?

 

Living somewhere you hate is horrible.

[Flabreakup]

Well I live about two minutes from the highway and she wants to be about twenty minutes in a different town. The town where her best friend lives and she grew up for the most part. From my house to that town is only 15 or twenty minutes so I really don't care. If I get a shot again I'll live on the moon!

 

I already moved 1000 miles from philadelphia to florida so it's really not that big of a deal.

 

Just have to keep up keeping up.

 

i have been trying to pick up on little things that I never paid attention to before. She mentioned she likes dark chocolate so I was thinking in a week or so making some dark chocolate covered strawberries for her and Khloe and a bunch extra for her family. Something I would have never done before because I could have been drinking.

[Toodaloo]

Brian that is the kind of lovely thoughtful thing that is going to earn you masses of brownie points. Just make sure you bung them all in a basket so its not specifically for her just to keep the pace slow...

[Flabreakup]

I will make sure to do that. I like the basket idea. I'll go to the craft store and put something together. In a week so I can let things settle a little.

 

Your optimism really means a lot to me.

 

She even said yesterday that although I think three weeks is a lot to me that to her it's still very fresh so I just need to hang in there and try to keep positive. Seems like things change by the hour but I'll see her later today to pick up the baby.

 

I'll let you know how things go.

[Toodaloo]

Your optimism really means a lot to me.

 

I'll let you know how things go.

 

Well credit is down to you. I wouldn't be so optimistic if you were running after her like a drivelling wreck or if you were being stupid about it.

 

You have worked hard and it looks like little by little its working. You are listening, paying attention and making an effort. You are keeping cool and sensible during a very difficult time and you are being very strong and supportive.

 

Even if it doesn't work out well you are laying the foundations for a good strong friendship which will only be a positive thing for your daughter.

 

Keep at it. Enjoy your evening.

[BC1980]

You said you can't give up on your family, which I completely understand, but how are you going to know there is no chance? Is there a timetable? How long do you wait? It's completely unfair to you. She brings you around when she wants you there, but you aren't allowed to talk about the relationship and your needs. Well, that's because she has checked out some time ago. She is forced to interact with you because of your daughter, so she is still trying to figure out how to navigate that. She has shown absolutely no indication that she is willing to work on the relationship or reconsider. None whatsoever.

 

Here's my advice. Complete NC unless it has anything to do with your daughter. The reasons are two fold. One, you can heal and move on. Two, NC forces her hand one way or the other. If she truly wants to work it out, NC will force that. What you are doing now is an absolute disaster in terms if trying to fix this. Going out with her, texting with her, helping her move. All of that helps her ease right out of this, and, mark my word, you will be left in the dust at the end of this.

[Toodaloo]

You said you can't give up on your family, which I completely understand, but how are you going to know there is no chance? Is there a timetable? How long do you wait? It's completely unfair to you. She brings you around when she wants you there, but you aren't allowed to talk about the relationship and your needs. Well, that's because she has checked out some time ago. She is forced to interact with you because of your daughter, so she is still trying to figure out how to navigate that. She has shown absolutely no indication that she is willing to work on the relationship or reconsider. None whatsoever.

 

Here's my advice. Complete NC unless it has anything to do with your daughter. The reasons are two fold. One, you can heal and move on. Two, NC forces her hand one way or the other. If she truly wants to work it out, NC will force that. What you are doing now is an absolute disaster in terms if trying to fix this. Going out with her, texting with her, helping her move. All of that helps her ease right out of this, and, mark my word, you will be left in the dust at the end of this.

 

BC 1980 These guys have communication problems. Its been going on for a while. Thats all. Its nothing that can't be resolved with patience and some careful handling. If both parties take their time and figure out what they want then go from there. Neither of them have. They are having days when they don't speak at all. OP is going out he is going to his meetings, keeping himself fit and healthy so if she does decide to go he will be in a good position to handle it and deal with it.

 

She sounds like she has had enough of life as it was and wants to do something about it, work etc. Not at all uncommon in women (or men for that matter). If a man supports her with that there is absolutely no reason why they should break up and it can make for a very healthy and stronger relationship.

 

A relationship doesn't have to break down each time there are signs of trouble or every time a person wants to improve themselves.

 

There are several things that have come to light along the way; This woman has kept compromising. I think this is a knee jerk reaction

1. OP was drinking and neglecting her because he was drinking she wasn't forceful in asking him to stop but kept asking (aka nagging)

2. She didn't like where they were living

3. She wants to work and bring an income and has been trying to better herself for her family

4. She doesn't know what she wants yet.

 

If I were her I would be going mad. Actually I did, kicked him out, haven't spoken to him since.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'e gotta say, I agree with both the previous posts. I think it is totally unfair of her to make plans one minute and then cancel them the next because she "needs more time" and the OP has brought up something she didn't want to talk about. Especially with a little one involved, this is unfair to the OP since it could potentially shorten time he has to spend with his daughter if the mom decides not to hang out.

 

I also agree that there seem to be serious communication issues. I think that perhaps the two should meet with a counselor or mediator to establish some baseline rules and goals for their possible reconciliation. Give them some tools to help decide what they each want addressed from the relationship, and what a reasonable timeline would be. Because it IS unfair for her to get to call the shots about when the relationship can and can't be discussed. Maybe knowing ahead of time that Tuesdays at 3:00 it will be addressed would help with some stress on both their ends. Otherwise, I can see it ending up right where it is now, a year later.

 

I know that I learned a lot from my marriage counseling, when my ex-husband and I were on our "break". Of course, he didn't take as much away from it, since he was seeing another woman at the time... But it really taught me a lot about how to identify WHAT exactly I wanted, what the issues were, and how to solve them. Shoot, it's worth a try, right?

[BC1980]

BC 1980 These guys have communication problems. Its been going on for a while. Thats all. Its nothing that can't be resolved with patience and some careful handling. If both parties take their time and figure out what they want then go from there. Neither of them have. They are having days when they don't speak at all. OP is going out he is going to his meetings, keeping himself fit and healthy so if she does decide to go he will be in a good position to handle it and deal with it.

 

She sounds like she has had enough of life as it was and wants to do something about it, work etc. Not at all uncommon in women (or men for that matter). If a man supports her with that there is absolutely no reason why they should break up and it can make for a very healthy and stronger relationship.

 

A relationship doesn't have to break down each time there are signs of trouble or every time a person wants to improve themselves.

 

There are several things that have come to light along the way; This woman has kept compromising. I think this is a knee jerk reaction

1. OP was drinking and neglecting her because he was drinking she wasn't forceful in asking him to stop but kept asking (aka nagging)

2. She didn't like where they were living

3. She wants to work and bring an income and has been trying to better herself for her family

4. She doesn't know what she wants yet.

 

If I were her I would be going mad. Actually I did, kicked him out, haven't spoken to him since.

 

I would agree with what you are saying if they were still in a relationship, but the problem is that she doesn't want to try to fix the relationship. He wants to work it out, but he's been stonewalled by her. If they really want to work it out, they should communicate and get into counseling. I'm getting the feeling that she is done with the relationship. He even said in his first post that she's been trying to break if off with him for the past year. I think she waited until she finished nursing school to make the final break and could support herself without his help. I don't buy the argument that she could have moved back in with her parents because OP said that she wanted to avoid that.

 

I get the feeling that she has given the relationship several chances, but she is done at this point. I think she has finally said, enough it enough. Now, if she tried to work it out with the OP during the relationship, that is one thing. Maybe she did bring concerns to him at some point. Sometimes people do need space, but that is not a long term remedy. You might need space for a few days to mull things over but not space in the form of moving out and giving the engagement ring back. To me, those actions say she is done. I agree that it could be fixed, but both parties need to be wiling to fix it. So far, he is the only willing party.

[Flabreakup]

I've asked about the counselor after she first left and she was not for it. I think the years of my drinking and nagging and treating her like a mother (doing everything for me) just got to her. Right now I know she needs to get her own things in order. Job and place to live.

 

She tells me and her best friend she needs time to get herself together and I'm ok with that. Of course I still get she's not sure about us or something along those lines and this is my fault. I think I just need to stop bringing up relationship stuff, let her see my actions and stop with the words. I'm hopeful but am trying to prepare if it doesn't work out. She is very sensitve and probably a little timid because she never really argued crazy with me. She would just walk away.

 

There is no other guy and has never been during our time together so it was just all my own actions. Before we were together she was single for a few years she said because it took her a long time to get over her last boyfriend. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing.

[Flabreakup]

I do agree that right now at this moment she does not want the relationship. She never did try to break things off previously only during the heat of an argument but never actually left or attempted to leave. And a few hours later things were ok.

 

As I mentioned she is still very hurt but just a week ago was talking about taking baby steps and first days and just yesterday was saying she's not sure where things will go but needs to get her own stuff straight first.

 

I do beleive our previous relationship is dead and I need to attempt to build a new one when she is ready. We have spend hours together almost every few days since the split so I don't think she just hates me and I just have to give her time. She could have moved out or kicked me out at any time in the past.

 

Just hoping time will heal the hurt Ive caused and little things that I can do now will show her I care and still want her. Have to keep my mouth closed in the mean time