Fiance left gave back ring

[Chi townD]

Well, you can try doing a modified 180. It's kind of hard to do with her already out of the house. But, apply what you can. See if that doesn't wake her up to the fact that you're moving on.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. A most people on here say to have her miss you but it doesn't seem she will since I see her so often. I just don't want to get stuck in the friend zone

 

I thought it was a good sign that she cares who I talk too. This other girl is no one to me. It was someone my ex met in rn class and they are lose friends. My ex never really trusted her. The first night I met her she was missing some guy at a bar while her husband was still home. Not the kind of woman I would associate to begin with. I much prefer the wholesome true good girls, which my ex was and very rare it seems these days at least that I know.

 

I will be very gentle with this situation as I don't want a repeat of v day where I made the same stupid mistakes again.

 

I did wait for her to contact me last night about the baby so I think I should just always let her initiate everything. Labs is a very laid back person and when I was drinking or had the slightest stress I was the complete opposite. I'm working on the as I get really high highs and really low lows even before this breakup

 

I'm taking all your advice and trying my hardest to put it to practice. I do appreciate the help very much. So helpful I can't even explain.

 

I've always been the manly man football player type but just writing on here and reading others stories is probably what's keeping me close to sane most moments. I'll let you know if anything happens when she comes to pick up the baby. So content just laying here watching toons with her. Raining so can't do much else. These are the times I miss most!

 

Thank you

[Flabreakup]

What is this 180? Don't know if she would believe I'm moving on. I try to be as confident as I can around her but I'm sure my body language gives it away.

 

I know she needs to find that attraction and love again and she even said last week on our great baby play date the whole baby steps and we were talking first dates but she did say it was too soon still. Never a a no or I can't or we can't or just move on. I'm really hoping she just wishes she can see the changes and go from there.

 

I think it's a bad idea to hold on so I'm trying to let go as much as I can. At the same time this isn't just a girlfriend. We were engaged and have a two year old so really just wishing for the best and trying to get through everyday best I can.

 

I do know she is also reading everything I write on Facebook. When I saw her today she kind of laughed at me and I said why and she said I saw you wrote on fb about running at the gym last night. I wrote I ran two miles in twenty minutes and probably could have walked faster. And she is reading this other girls comments. Hopefully it means she still really does care. I actually unfollowed her which means she still a friend but I don't see any of her posts.she doesn't know this as they can't tell but Every time I she her name my heart sinks so can't go through that several times a day. It's actually helped.

 

I know about the whole putting them on a pedestal thing but she was definitely one of a kind and always had my back through everything and I screwed up by not showing her I love and and she matters. The day after she said she was done I got her flowers and she broke down and said to me that she didn't even think I cared anymore. So that hurts me to. Knowing this is really all my fault without a doubt. I didn't realize exactly how much she meant until it was too late. If I could kick myself I would all day long.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Chi townD]

Well, if she's looking for the attraction, then maybe the 180 will help you because the 180 will make you look strong and strength is attractive. The 180 is a set of rules that you can follow that shows your Ex that your a stronger person and your moving on.

 

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

 

So here's the list:

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

No frequent phone calls.

 

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

 

Don't follow her/him around the house.

 

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

 

Don't ask for reassurances.

 

Don't buy or give gifts.

 

Don't schedule dates together.

 

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in

your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?

No matter how much you want to!

 

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

 

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

 

Don't always be so available. for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

 

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

 

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

 

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting

more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

 

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

 

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

 

Now, the 180 was kind of written for couples that have infidelity going on but it can be applied to other situations.

 

 

Since she has moved out, there's some rules that you won't be able to apply, But you still can apply a lot of them. I think the most important thing the 180 can accomplish is two fold. On one half, you'll look like a fun guy that people want to hang with, that you're pulling away and without her. That might scare her to the fact that she's losing you for good.

 

 

On the other half, if she doesn't bite, then you've already start to disengage from the relationship and it will make the healing process easier for you.

Edited February 17, 2015 by Chi townD

[Flabreakup]

Sounds like a lot of do not dos. I do want her to know I still care. This cold shoulder sound to go against everything my mind is telling me.

 

Just today she sounded very jealous of this other girl that keeps posting stuff on my page. Do you think its a good thing to act non chalant at this point.?

 

I will see her tonight when she picks up the baby. Any particular thing I should do or say? I will implement all the advice I'm getting though.

 

Just wish I could feel differently. It's so hard to suppress the feelings and love I have for her and not talk about things but I've been doing it for the most part since Saturday and she actually seemed nicer this morning when I picked up the baby.

 

I'm sure I ask the same things over and over but I do reread all the post on here everyday to try and do what is being suggested. I just can't shake this sinking feeling that I get all the time from not having them and not knowing if I ever will again. Thanks

[Flabreakup]

So she is on the way to pick up the baby. She has two friends with her. They did some handbag sale stuff.

 

I have so many things I want to say and ask. Trying to figure out how to fight this urge. I know I should say a word and won't but just the thought of seeing her brings back so many emotions and heartache I can barely think straight right now.

 

Definitely don't want to make a fool of myself in front of her friends. How can I control this urge? I know not sayin a word about is is the only way to go. Just this morning see said she might want to do something with the baby next week. This is after Saturday's terrible day when she said she didn't want to do anything with the baby anymore so I don't want to ruin the little progress we've made and I want her to respect me. Just have to get rid of this urge and heartache somehow. Thanks brian

[Flabreakup]

So quick update

 

She picked up the baby and things went well. I didn't mention I love you or I miss you.

 

However I did ask her why her mom always post stuff about moving on and stuff like that. She said when I picked the baby up today at her parents house that her mom was actually crying because she hates this situation. And about a week ago I wrote the one and only post on fb about our situation and said, never give up fighting for who and what you believe in. Her mom liked it. Not sure if this is a good sign or what.

 

Also she told me she went to a job interview but that it was an hour away so it wouldn't work for her. I non chalantly said what if she was here and she said she was looking to start work in only a few weeks so that wouldn't work. I'm sure I'm reading to much into it but kinda sounded like she's keeping things open but a few weeks is too soon. She said the same thing this past Friday when I mentioned going to a concert. She was interested but when I said it was next week she said it was too soon

 

I'm holding onto every little thing she says which probably isn't a good thing but I can't help but do it. These have been the longest 17 days of my life and I'm just hoping I can keep it together for a few months to see what happens.

 

Also she gave me some of her handbag brochures to put in the counter at the gym. Some sales might help my cause. This is how crazy my mind works. Thanks for listening to me rambling.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Toodaloo]

Morning.

 

It is a heck of do's and don'ts but what it is intended to do is to give the person space so they can choose you rather than being forced to be with you.

 

Its not "cold shoulder". You do not need to be rude or nasty or ignore her. Just let her come to you. I have told you the chicken analogy already haven't I?

 

Keep all personal stuff off of facebook. Keep it up beat or keep it off. Delete that other woman. If she means nothing get her off your page. She is indirectly a potential threat to you getting back together with your fiance and you need to remove it. Remember ACTIONS. She has said she feels uncomfortable with it, this woman is not important to you so get rid. Pronto.

 

Don't ask her out for a while yet. Remember you need to prove yourself first. It takes time. That is why she is so nervous and turning you down. Leave it for a bit longer (couple of weeks - month) and then say along the lines of I have these tickets next month do you want to come with me?

 

If she asks about relationship things then just tell her that you want to be the man she deserves and for the moment that is what you are concentrating on.

 

Well done. Your doing really well. Keep up at the gym and keep working on your business, keep eating and all the basics going.

 

The sinking feeling will be there for a while. Its only 17 days. This is going to take a while. Your ship is still in danger of going down but each time you feel like that do something about it. Go to a meeting, clean up the house, sort out some of your stuff for work, go to the gym. Its not sunk yet and if you can plug up the holes and bail out the excess water you have a chance of getting home again.

 

There is a book I read (was a recommendation on here) called the 5 languages of love. Remember all the things she said to you read it and work out what you can do to show her that you love her. Its another way of working out how you can make things better and keep them better in the future. Even if you can salvage this it will help with future relationships.

 

Helping with the handbags is a good thing. It shows support and respect for what she does.

 

Keep going. Keep talking and keep looking forward.

[Flabreakup]

Good morning,

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

You did give me the chicken analogy so I'm keeping that in mind. I'm trying my hardest to keep busy and get her off my mind every waking hour.

 

I will check I to that book. It is hard to read some things that talk about how to love and keep a partner because mine is gone and it just reminds me of that. I have read tons of articles and watched all kinds of videos about getting back your ex and making them miss you or building attraction. The one problem is none of them really address when you have a child already and must see them. I am keeping all the advice here in mind though.

 

I do realize I have to be in for the long haul it just seems so hard. I guess it's better to have some hope and faith in things then none.

 

That other girl who is her friend is already gone. I certainly don't want that to be a reason she doesn't try again.

 

Have to see her again tomorrow in the am to pick up the baby. It gets so rough just thing about seeing her.

 

Thanks for writing back. I know its a lot of repeat stuff but just reading things on here really does help. Brian

[Toodaloo]

We have all been there Brian.

 

Do not worry about repeating yourself or asking silly questions or raising concerns. Keep talking and keep going.

 

Worry about getting yourself back to where you need to be.

 

Reading your posts I do have hope for you. Its not a huge amount I have to say but I do have hope.

 

Your fiancée is showing too much interest for it to be completely over. Also I have been where she is (less child) so I can understand exactly where she is coming from and the emotions and thoughts that will be going through her head.

 

Regaining trust is the biggest issue you have. That is all to do with your drinking. She is not going to trust you for a long time yet so you need to keep proving day in day out that this time you mean it and you are going to be the man she fell in love with. Don't forget she has been through this time and time again with you. Right now you are on last chance. This is it. I think you know that. I also think that you have the courage and determination required to get through this and be the man you want to be.

 

If you can figure out what "love language" she speaks it will be easier for you to show her that you do love her with out it being too much. You can tone down the suggestions and use them to help you sparkle in her eyes again. It will keep the interest there while you heal and get your act together.

 

So keep going. It will be 18 days soon. Think of it as 18 days of recovery and getting better.

[Flabreakup]

You really have a way with words to make a distraught guy feel better.

 

I do believe and have to believe there's still hope. All the maybes and I don't knows and we'll see or it's too soon. Along with just last Friday talking about baby steps and first dates. Might just be trying to convince myself. Some days I feel great about it and others terrible.

 

Today is going ok so far. Did a little work and sitting at a consolurs office now now. Figured getting things of my chest to someone in person might not hurt. But they sure are expensive when you don't have insurance so we'll see if it's worth it. So just have to keep busy I guess and hit the gym later.

 

This gaining her trust back is not easy. I'm so fearful she'll meet someone else in the mean time. I haven't mentioned it since the first week but she did say she wasn't looking to do that and then got a little jealous with the other girl so maybe she's telling the truth and just wants to see what I'll do and if I change at all. I'm still going to need to win her heart back because I know I've screwed up enough to lose it. She just doesn't look at me the same right now. I. She's shes still hurting though. I just seem helpless that I can't do more to convince her otherwise.

[Toodaloo]

You are doing all you can at the moment. It takes time. There is no magic wand you can wave, there are no easy routes to take.

 

The only way she will come back to you is if she wants to. The only way she will want to is if she can see that you are still the man she fell in love with and that you are back in control.

 

When my drunkard was around time and time again he would "quit the booze" it would last a couple of weeks then I would be finding the empty bottles and wine boxes again...

 

Sometimes I really do wonder how the heck he held down a responsible job and made money... but then he didn't as it all went on drink.

 

At the worst he was spending more on alcohol during the month than all the house hold bills... He did stop when we split up but was back on it and has lost many a friend because of it now. Its such a shame as he really is a fantastic guy in every other way. Its a waste of a wonderful mind and gorgeous nature. He just couldn't give it up. The last thing I wanted was another man in my life when he left. I just wanted to be on my own. By the time I kicked him out though I had nothing left to give. He had killed every emotion I had for him. It was a relief. I did not miss him, I did not seek to see him or look at his facebook page. She obviously does miss you. She obviously wants you to get better and be sober so you can be with her. But she is not so stupid to assume that its going to change over night.

 

She has had years of you stopping and starting stopping and starting. She just can't cope with it any more. She probably still loves you but just can't live like that anymore. If you got nasty or mean when drinking then you will not remember all those nasty things said. She will. She will know it was the drink talking but it still hurts like hell. To keep that spark alive you have to show her the man she fell in love with but you can't push it or she will run.

 

How about at the weekend asking her if she will come and celebrate 30 days sober with ice creams with your daughter when you get there. Its a couple of weeks off and a way of showing her that you intend to keep this up and celebrating with you. She can be proud of you and see your progress. Make it more positive.

 

Trust me when a guy has a womans heart it takes a really long time for that to die. Don't worry about other men for the time being. Worry about being the best man you can be and try to concentrate more at work. If you find your mind wandering take five, get back into the "zone" and get back to it.

 

Sleep well. Don't forget to eat and breathe!

[Flabreakup]

WA lot of what you said rings very true.

 

I never actually tried to stop drinking and she never really asked me either. I almost wish she did. She did however ask me to slow down once and I did for a while. Like you said but went right back to every other night as usual. I really don't have any urge to drink now or even lately. Just focusing on things you mentioned. Feeling pretty good today. So that's nice a change up.

 

Sorry you had to deal with that kind of life. It does not sound good when you never know what's going to happen like that family party you talked about. I haven't done anything that crazy I think. Like you said it I don't remember everything so I know it wasn't always nice I'm sure.

 

On a good note, she called today and asked how I was doing. First time since she left that she has. We ended up talking for over an hour. Best conversation we've had yet. She brought up relationship stuff and I didn't push anything. Told her I understand the mistakes I've made like taking her for granted and not showing her I care enough and she was very receptive. I didn't beg or plead just told her if we ever did try again I would cherish everyday with her and treat her with the respect I should have all along. I did tell her that a lot of people have told me to let her be and not try to win her back. Her exact words to me were, if we did give it another try it would be because you did show me change and it won't happen if your backing away and acting non chalant. We were laughing and just having a fun conversation.

 

No pressure just trying to relax and be myself. Which I'm pretty sure she loved a lot at one time. It almost sounded like she liked a lot of things I've been doing since I stopped asking her to come back over a week ago now. A long road ahead but I'm very hopeful. Can't get a big head though and pretend its a done deal. And as you e mentioned if I did get a shot it would be my absolute last to have her and my family together. She truly is one of the good ones so I'll keep plugging away

 

How are you doing now that I think you said it's been two years or so? Hope all is well.

Edited February 19, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Toodaloo]

On a good note, she called today and asked how I was doing. First time since she left that she has. We ended up talking for over an hour. Best conversation we've had yet. She brought up relationship stuff and I didn't push anything. Told her I understand the mistakes I've made like taking her for granted and not showing her I care enough and she was very receptive. I didn't beg or plead just told her if we ever did try again I would cherish everyday with her and treat her with the respect I should have all along. I did tell her that a lot of people have told me to let her be and not try to win her back. Her exact words to me were, if we did give it another try it would be because you did show me change and it won't happen if your backing away and acting non chalant. We were laughing and just having a fun conversation.

 

No pressure just trying to relax and be myself. Which I'm pretty sure she loved a lot at one time. It almost sounded like she liked a lot of things I've been doing since I stopped asking her to come back over a week ago now. A long road ahead but I'm very hopeful. Can't get a big head though and pretend its a done deal. And as you e mentioned if I did get a shot it would be my absolute last to have her and my family together. She truly is one of the good ones so I'll keep plugging away

 

How are you doing now that I think you said it's been two years or so? Hope all is well.

 

Oh blimey the drunk was a very long time ago! About 6 or 7 years, possibly a bit longer. It didn't last long. The last one wasn't a drinker just very selfish and didn't love me in any way shape or form. He left me for dead to go paint balling. I was in hospital, heart had stopped, wasn't breathing was being pumped full of goodness knows what and with several doctors and nurses going at me with those electric paddle things. He went off as he didn't want to be late to meet his friends for a weekend away. I suspect your jaw has just dropped to the floor, its the reaction most people have, but it was just the last instance in a long long list... I went to the US to see my best mate to say good bye as I didn't think I would make it to the end of the year and there was a note on the cooker when I got back. If that note hadn't been there he would have been kicked out. That was back at the end of March last year.

 

Since then my health has improved no end, I am now making plans for a few years time and managed to have a cold over the winter that didn't put me in intensive care. Finances are better as I am not supporting his play times and I can now go out and do things I enjoy. My home is cleaner, tidier and more welcoming. I am very much happier. I don't want it to end so am being very careful with men. In all honesty I am happy with out.

 

That conversation is a really positive step. I think you should encourage her to help you as well with out pushing her away. Perhaps say something along the lines of "I know I have to do this, I know I need to rebuild trust, how about you let me know how I am doing and talk to me about the things that I can do to help that and what things I should avoid to keep it".

 

Really - read that 5 languages of love book. At this point it will be really helpful and help you understand how you can express "love" to her in simple ways. Keep it up.

 

Its going to take time but you have a good head wind.

[Flabreakup]

My heart did drop reading that. I may not have she on enough of my love for her but I could. Ever do something like that. I can't believe anyone would do that let alone someone your suppose to be sharing you love with. Good to hear your doing much better. I guess you can't fix some people that have no compassion.

 

I'm abiut to meet up with her to pick up the baby in about an hour. I don't know if it was our conversation yesterday but I don't feel near as anxious this morning as usual.

 

I'll download that book today to my tablet and start reading while the little one takes a nap later and let you know what I think.

 

Not sure of the time difference where your at as I'm in florida but I'll update you a little later on how things go. Coldest day of the year here.

 

Have a good day!

[Toodaloo]

Good Luck Brian

 

I am in the UK so I am guessing around 8 hours.

 

I will come back in the morning and check up on how it went though.

 

Its all positive. Its going to take time but you have all the time in the world. So spend it getting it right.

 

As you get better and as you realise that you are making really bold positive steps into regaining her confidence and trust you will start to feel better and less worried. You will realise that you can do this and its not that hard. Thats when you will be at your best and you can start flirting again. You can both start to enjoy being together again.

 

Its just hard to go through the initial bit where you work out what the problem is and how to resolve it.

 

Keep at it. Keep going. You are doing really well.

[Flabreakup]

I think my worry got a hold of me again today

 

We met at the docs office for the little ones check up this afternoon. We talked a little then went to lunch with the baby and I couldn't help but bring up relationship stuff. I really don't know why I do. Yesterday we talked and she brought it up and had a great conversation and I thought things were going good. Today she gave me the usual she doesn't know if she can and she's not over the hurt or me yet. And said she has to get over me of she's going to give me another shot. I don't get it.

 

I aksed if she wanted to talk to someone else first stupidly and she said she's not sure if she can give me a chance before she does or not. This hurt me bad and I went to the bathroom for a minute to get my composure back because I was a little mad at that. I know it's her right since we're not together but it doesn't change how I feel. I really think if I knew she had a hook up or dated someone else I would be so mad and do the same and that would be it for us and the family. I said should I just give up and she said she doesn't know.

 

She also did have some tears and said she hates crying but I really wasn't trying to get to that point. I just need to figure out how to keep my mouth shut when we're physically with each other for the baby or I'm going to lose the little hope and chance I have left. My chest just starts pounding every time I see her but I have to see her so it's tough.

 

She said she just wants me to be a friend now and I said will that get me stuck in the friend zone and again she said I don't know.

 

Have to keep my mouth shut or it's going to be completely dead. I wish I could just be the cool confident person she use to love but when I lay eyes on her everything I lost and how bad I screwed up all come rushing back. I don't know if she is ever going to get rid of the hurt I caused.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Flabreakup]

Well the ex came to pick up the baby and things went a little better. I kept my mouth shut for the most part and she was in a happy laughing kind of mood.

 

She did some paintimg class while I was watching the baby so it must have relaxed her. Now won't see them till Sunday so have a little while to work on getting better control of my emotions and mouth.

 

I can't can't keep cool when thinking of her meeting other guys and them being around my daughter. Even though it hasn't happened and its none of my business if it does it still hurt and drive me crazy. Just hoping she can get over the hurt and open up a little to me before that happens. I think once it does I'll be even crazier but won't want her back at that point.

 

Don't know how we got on that subject but I'm sure acting jealous won't help my position. Just need to get all these stupid thoughts out of my head

[Chi townD]

Well, take a look at what you been doing. You (sorta) did the 180 on her and she opened up a little. You bring up the relationship and she backs off you.

 

 

So, I'm not saying the 180 will work, but I just made an observation. So, take it as you will.

[Flabreakup]

Your definitely right. Didn't talk to her for just a few days and had a really good day when we did. I just have to figure out how to keep my opinions passion and thought too myself.

 

I just get so fearful I'll lose her for good if I do nothing but I'm going to lose her just the same if I don't quit while I'm ahead. The good conversation yesterday she brought up so I have to lay low and give the space she's asking for.

 

It's iist that one minute she's telling me not to let go and be distant and the next to do just that. One good day then one bad daily seems to be our routine now so I have to break it and have all good days. Can't hurt anything at this point.

 

Been through breakups with a baby many times but this is very different. The feeling of losing not just a woman but the whole family dream. Can't imagine what some people who are married and have many childen go through.

[Toodaloo]

Well, take a look at what you been doing. You (sorta) did the 180 on her and she opened up a little. You bring up the relationship and she backs off you.

 

 

So, I'm not saying the 180 will work, but I just made an observation. So, take it as you will.

 

This is why I suggested not bringing up the relationship with her... you started chasing the chicken.

 

All talk of that sort of thing has to come from her. It will. It will slowly come in dribs and drabs and she will open up, but right now she just needs to do it in her own time and slowly at her pace. She is very flighty at the moment. Its still very early days.

 

I know its as frustrating as hell and upsetting. Do not worry about bringing it up. You did really well to remove yourself for 5 minutes to regain your composure.

 

She is giving mixed signals because she doesn't want you to go but she is working through a lot of emotions herself and trying to find her way. For this reason I think the last thing you need to worry about is another man. Don't forget she has the same "family dream" that you do and she clearly does not want to let that dream go with out serious thought and consideration.

 

Being a bit distant and allowing space and time is not the same as walking away or ignoring her. What you need to keep doing is just allow her to come to you. Let it be her choice. For this to work it has to be her choice.

 

We humans are the same as horses, chickens, dogs etc. When we are afraid we run or fight. If you gradually take away that fear there is no reason to and you end up with a much stronger relationship based on trust and mutual understanding. One of my horses was very badly beaten before I got him. Now I don't even need to put a head collar on him I just call and he comes. If I try to catch him he runs away, if I call he runs towards me... Drives me insane but I accept thats the way he is and its much quicker and easier to just let him come to me. The exact same principles apply here.

 

I wouldn't bring up the ice cream suggestion I made just yet. Leave it a bit longer.

 

Every time you get that panic come just close your eyes for a second, take some deep breaths and remember that while you have made mistakes and are not perfect you are showing yourself to be the better man. No one is perfect but its our imperfections and how we deal with them that matter. You have accepted it so now its time to forgive yourself.

 

If you need to talk we are here and we are listening. I may be the main poster to this but I can guarantee others are reading and listening and have their fingers crossed for you.

[Flabreakup]

Thanks. I was definitely chasing the chicken. Have to keep that analogy in my mind. It makes a lot of sense. I know everything you say is probably correct I just have to keep that in my head at all times. I'm ok when I don't have to see her. Well as ok as can be expected after three weeks. I mean I don't call or text or anything lately. It's just that in person. I don't see her again until Sunday so I'll just keep pounding it through my thick scull. Do not chase chicken do not chase chicken.

 

I need to keep up with the subtle stuff instead of bull in China shop stuff. I'll hold off mentioning the ice cream for now. It is a very good idea. I think she'll go for that easily. We do have annual passes to Disneyworld that expire in May. I've talked about it last week and she wanted to do it but I think I'll hold off on that for two or three weeks.

 

Still have to also figure out how I'm goin g to get through her moving out. She's still at her parents but has several more interviews next week at some hospital. Once she gets hired she'll be taking half the stuff with her. It's never a positive when someone moves out but it might help her move on from the hurt I caused if she has a nice new job and new place. She has said she doesn't want things to go back the way they were and I assured her they never would as I would treat her with respect and never take her for granted again. This was last week though. It seems to change by the day.

 

One day great and I'm feeling terrific and the next really down. yesterday I felt terrible after lunch but much better when she picked the baby up and I was my usual fun self. She left laughing. I guess that's better than the alternative.

 

Well just the same old thing day after day. So hard to do this. Still feel like punching myself everyday but thanks again for the help!

Edited February 20, 2015 by Flabreakup

[Toodaloo]

Your welcome.

 

Remember it takes a while to find a job, then on top of that save for a deposit and then find somewhere... you have time.

 

By then, if you are lucky, she will have come home anyway.

 

Just do not chase the chicken...

 

Oh and don't say that out loud in front of her when you are having a tough day and your trying to remind yourself either! She may think you have gone mad if you start chanting do not chase the chicken do not chase the chicken!!

 

Are you still going to the meetings and to the gym etc?

 

It does get better, it will get better, there will start to be more ups than downs. I am not online much over the weekend but I will pop back to check up on you. Have a good one, keep smiling and do not chase the chicken!

[Flabreakup]

I definitely won't say that in front of her.

 

We are in an aera that is hiring nurses like crazy so she will have a job in a week or two no problem. Her parents are really wealthy so she doesn't need to save up or anything like that. I'm positive she's moving so have to figure out how to deal and try to spin it as best I can. At least in my own mind. She has previously said it's just too soon to try again along with the usual we'll see stuff.

 

I do think she is confused but definitely wants to be on her own in case things don't work out she won't have to go back to her parents house. I'm just hoping for a chance to even date again or something like that before it's too late. Have to figure out the right time after the hurt is gone but before she has totally moved on. She hasn't once said I'm done and don't want to try again or anything like that so holding onto the little chance I have.

 

Most of my family wants me to come home. It's a thousand miles away and I tell them I can't leave my daughter but it does give me thoughts. I never new my own father so I just can't do that but if things don't work and she is seeing someone else I don't know if I could handle that. It seems thinking of her with someone else has taken over my thoughts of just losing her.

 

Almost three weeks with very little progress and tons of mixed messages. Just don't want to give up.

[Toodaloo]

Actually its a heck of a lot of progress.

 

She is talking to you rather than just pulling down the shutters and going off. Normally after a week or so it would have been straight out no and off she goes.

 

You know what went wrong, you are working on it, you have a plan and are executing that plan rather than just dribble along.

 

I know you probably don't see it but you have made a great deal of progress.

 

How are you doing with that book? Have you managed to work out both of your "love languages" yet? It will help if you know the best way to show her that you care.

 

Keep going. Keep at it. You are doing better than you think.