Fiance left gave back ring

[ZiggyZoo]

In that case, LC (only talking about things directly related to your daughter) is the way to go here. The only way she can concentrate on herself, and you can concentrate on yourself is if you're not still hanging out acting like a couple still. I'd say no hanging out with your daughter together either, too easy to fool yourself that progress is being made. Been there, done that...the best way is to just bite the bullet and separate. Hurts like hell, but if your other option is hanging around on her timetable, waiting for her to decide she's ready to try again (or not) you're better off looking after yourself by yourself. Plus, it isn't fair to your feelings to be sorta together when she wants you to be.

 

I still suggest counseling when/if she decides to try again. These communication problems aren't going to solve themselves with your separation.

[Flabreakup]

It's actually funny you said this because I just got off the phone with her and then her mom she wanted to meet for breakfast in the am so I can get my daughter whileshe goes to an interview. And we talked about a disney show in two weeks.

 

On the same call she actually said if the relationship gets brought up again her I don't knows and we'll sees are going to become no's. So definitely can't do that.

 

On a side note her mom called me for the first time since the breakup. She said she told her daughter to get her own stuff straight but to also take some blame for putting up with my stuff for so long and not doing something about it sooner. Her mom also said she can be very subborn and the more I bring things up the worse it's getting so just back off and prove that I want things to be different. She's very old school and thinks as long as there was no abuse that a family should try there hardest to stay together.

 

Her mom said she hated my drinking but new I never did anything more than have stupid arguments so she is telling my ex to pay attention to my actions over time and take care of herself.

 

Very interesting few days. I had no idea her best friend and mom are both pulling for me to stay straight and possible have another shot in time. I really just have to keep my mouth shut, do right and help out when I can. It's all about actions.

 

No one else's opinion matters but hers so I have months to keep right but I'm going to pull it together and see what happens. It's all I've got at the moment. Thanks for letting me ramble.

[BC1980]

On the same call she actually said if the relationship gets brought up again her I don't knows and we'll sees are going to become no's. So definitely can't do that.

 

Again, she gets to dictate the terms on which you speak, so I'm still advising NC. The only contact should be about your daughter at this point. If your drinking was the main problem, I would suggest getting help for that. I know you aren't drinking now, but I fear that once the finality of this hits you, it might send you into a tailspin and back to the alcohol. Also, don't discuss the relationship with her mother.

 

I almost cringe hearing the optimism in your voice because I just don't think there is much of a chance this will work out. For a woman to break an engagement and leaver her child's father, she is really done. I really feel for you, and I get where you are coming from with wanting to be optimistic. But I truly think this is over and done. If I'm wrong, come back, and let me know. I'd love to be wrong, but this same story plays out all the time.

[Toodaloo]

I do beleive our previous relationship is dead and I need to attempt to build a new one when she is ready. We have spend hours together almost every few days since the split so I don't think she just hates me and I just have to give her time. She could have moved out or kicked me out at any time in the past.

 

Just hoping time will heal the hurt Ive caused and little things that I can do now will show her I care and still want her. Have to keep my mouth closed in the mean time

 

Read that book.

 

We all take our partners for granted in different ways. That book will help you to discover how you can best show her that you appreciate her. It might be telling her that you are proud of her for doing something or achieving something, it might be tokens such as the chocolate strawberries, it might be doing things for her such as helping her get herself sorted or building flat pack furniture or washing up... Once you find out what sort of things really make her tick you can start doing them and it will turn things round completely.

 

Its not often I suggest making an effort.

 

The other thing is you need to start to forgive yourself. Her Mum is right. She could easily have spoken up or put her foot down harder or started counselling earlier etc... Now she has got herself into a pickle and doesn't know which way to turn. Time on her own will help her make that choice and if you are able to give her a nudge in the right direction, subtly and quietly with no pressure there can be no harm. She is going to be getting enough pressure from family and friends. Don't add to it. You need to be her team mate, her ally. There is going to be a time when it all comes bubbling out and once she starts she will not be able to stop and it will all be a jumbled rambling mess. Once that happens the weeks after will be the most telling.

 

When time comes I will be suggesting that you put your foot down and insist on you both getting help with communication so this doesn't happen again. That time is a really long way off yet though. This is going to take months.

 

Keep going. Keep up those meetings, keep up the gym, keep seeing your daughter, keep working.

[Flabreakup]

I hear ya bc. She out up with a lot for a long time so I know if there is any chance it's slim at best. However, I do know people that have had the same situation particularly when it's something correctable like drinking or taking for granted.

 

Cheating and lying or abuse is impossible to come back from but even her saying all the time that leases can be broken just gives me a glimmer of hope. And for my family as a man I must not give up but I am letting go. Now if she meets someone else I'll be done for sure and I'm getting the attitude that who knows, I might as well.

 

But can't just give up totally. I know my approach with talking too much about the relationship and maybe spending too much time together hasn't worked so far. but I think no matter what I do until she gets over the hurt isnt going to matter either.

 

I texted her early this morning and said I couldn't do breakfast. She said that's ok she's really nervous for this interview anyway. Waiting for her to bring the baby now.

 

Have to be optimistic. Its in my nature but I'm not closing my eyes to the rest of the world either. Thanks

[Flabreakup]

I will get to that book. I've got nothing but time. Waiting on her to bring the baby now. She texted me earlier and was really nervous about this interview so I said a few kind calming words and let it be. It's the hospital she really wants a job at.

 

I try to say nice things and we always have fun when we're out with the baby it just somehow always comes back to relationship talk and that's my fault. I'm really done with it. Everyone is saying just let it be and she has never really liked being persued. Come to think of it I was really non chalant when we first met and did a long distance thing for six months.

 

Sad part is I was always drinking so barely remember things she mentioned she liked or wanted to do. I'm picking up little pieces here and there.

 

Still going to meetings and working out. Business is going well and even sent her some money yesterday even though she didn't ask for it I know she was running low with getting a new place. She told me I didn't have to but I dropped the subject right. Not making a big deal out of something like that because money means nothing to her.

 

It would be the the strawberry type things that would get her to notice. But very slowly I guess. I'm going to do my best to let her go but not give up or get to distant. Have to see her every other day so that would be hard anyway. I just have to let her come to me if it's going to happen.

 

Her mom said something that stuck with me. When your at your lowest point there's only one way to go and thats up. A lot of people have it a lot worse so just keeping my head up and thinking positive.

 

I'm going to get on that book. Thanks

[Toodaloo]

Well done.

 

The only thing you can do is keep going.

 

You are doing all the things I wish my "drinking ex" had done before I finally made my decision and gave up on the relationship.

 

Its going to be a long haul but you know this so you can sit back, relax, concentrate on being the man you want to be and then she will come back.

 

Her Mum is right. When you are at your lowest the only way is up!

[Flabreakup]

Thanks again.

She dropped off the baby and was on her way to the interview. She asked how she looked all nice and dressed up and I said you look great and your going to kick butt. Did t mention or say anything else.

A few minutes ago she texted me and said she got the job. So I'm sure she's in a great mood. It's at the hospital she wanted and close by. I'm happy for her but at the same time somewhat afraid. Spending long hours at work with new guys kind of scares me but I know it's none of my business.

 

Every step she takes makes me feel like I'm not moving and worries me more. I know I should just work and focus on myself but can't help these thoughts. I'm hoping that once she gets settled and gets a little less stress in life there maybe room to try and flirt a little or build that love back but I know nothing is a given and it's going to be a long road.

 

I'm going to start that book tonight and see how it goes. My thoughts and heart just always focus on her and the family but I know I need to think about myself and take care of me just very difficult. Still kicking myself for ruining this but hopeful we get a chance and all this was to get me to stop drinking and be a better man.

Only time will tell but every minute is more painful than the last.

[Flabreakup]

So I the afternoon she came over and helped me cook a roast. Hung out for about two hours. Played it as cool as I could. Didn't bring up any serious relationship stuff and she was in a good mood with getting her job and she found a house to rent not too far away.

 

Told her a friend and I would help her move and went over what was staying and going. All in all pretty good. Talked about maybe bowling thirsday with the baby and going to Disney next week or the week after. She said as long as I don't bring up relationship stuff and start as friends it's ok. I did make it clear I'm not staying around as a friend forever and she kind of smiled and nodded.

 

It really seems as everyday is different. We talked about day care. She wanted the baby there every day but because I have a business out of my house I told her I wanted part time and she agreed. I'm also paying for it. She never asked for any child support but of course I will give her whatever she needs and more.

 

Still really hurts every minute and I've got s long time to even have a chance but going to keep up and stay positive. On the bright side I am getting into pretty good shape and I think she notices. Working out harder than I ever have.

 

Sometimes I see that look in her that she wished I had done this sooner but I really feel there's just a little left to build on. I guess it just all depends if someone else comes along before I get that chance. I try not to be insecure about it or think about it but now it's my biggest worry. And she really liked good today all dressed up.

 

Also she just happened to mention that maybe I should play a little harder to get. Her mom also said this and I Have no idea how to do that with the baby and seeing her every other day.

[ZiggyZoo]

You, my friend, are in for a big heartbreak. I'm glad that you established some sort of boundary, with telling her that you're not going to stay around as a friend forever though. But right now, she's using you to make her transition to single life much easier, and once she meets someone else, you're going to be out of the picture. And that's going to hurt big time. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to go LC, like I suggested earlier, and only ONLY talk about your daughter. And ONLY see each other when you're picking up or dropping her off.

 

I know you're still hoping that this will all work out, and it may well, but I don't think that's likely for a while. The fact that she rented a separate place instead of staying with her mom, for instance, says to me that she's preparing for a much longer separation than the few months you have in mind.

 

How do I know this? Your situation almost mirrors perfectly one that I too left (actually once I finished nursing school too) about 12 years ago. I too told my ex that I needed space, that we were going to be friends at first, and moved out. I wasn't planning at all to date anyone else, but once my mind was made up to leave the relationship I was in, at least romantically, I found myself actually noticing other guys. I'm not proud of the fact now, but I kept my ex around knowing he was still interested in me, so I wouldn't be lonely in the first few months. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him that I had met someone else. Absolutely crushed. I had no idea that my actions would hurt him so much, and it was the worst thing I could have done to him.

 

This is why I am so adamant about you starting to separate yourself from your situation. Really, what do you have to lose? She and her mom (who by the way, you should not be taking any relationship advice from either in LC) have both said to play hard to get. OK then, you asked how to do that? By not being at her beck and call. By establishing boundaries as to when you see each other, and by not playing happy families when she wants to. By taking care of your own heart first, so that when the inevitable happens, you'll have some time under your belt to have distanced yourself. My interpretation of that statement is that you're around too much, and she needs some serious space. So give it to her.

[BC1980]

I have to wholeheartedly agree with the above advice. There is a reason why you feel so awful. Yes, it's because you are going through a breakup, but it's also because you are playing the doormat with no boundaries. She is absolutely taking advantage of you. She gets to play house with you on her terms. You're not allowed to talk about fixing the relationship because she wants nothing to do with fixing it. You are absolutely shooting yourself in the foot by not going NC. You are killing any small chance that you have, and you are also doing yourself a disservice.

 

Once she finds someone else, she will drop you cold. Make no mistake. You are being used to transition into the single life, and this break is likely permanent. Once someone is done, that's it. In her mind, she has probably given you a million chances (whether you knew it or not), and she's over it. Her leaving was not an overnight decision, but, now that she has found the courage to leave, she won't look back. I really am so sorry, but you've got to snap out of this denial you are living in my keeping in contact with her.

[BC1980]

Also she just happened to mention that maybe I should play a little harder to get. Her mom also said this and I Have no idea how to do that with the baby and seeing her every other day.

 

I cringed when I read that. So she's telling you how to win back her approval. What other types of hoops does she have planned?

[Flabreakup]

I totally agree with where your coming from. I know I have very little chance here but with losing her and my daughter who I also want back every night I have to at least keep my positive attitude and try.

 

By try I mean to do the little contact. Your right this may be the only shot I've got. I may put these plans on hold. She was already getting a place so I knew that. She is the one who said leases can be broken and the house we shared is up in a few months anyway. The one friend I have in the aera also moved in For the time being. She has said if we did try if she gets over the hurt and it didn't work out that she wouldn't want to be stuck gojngg back to her parents

 

She does not like staying at her parents house and half of her furniture is staying here. If you could see some of the looks and actions and talk you would probably think there's a slight chance here too.

 

She did say start as friends first again because any new thing would be a new relationship with a sober me. Also mentioned what my friend who is staying here would do when the lease is up if things did work out.

 

Her family is super tight and they have all said the same thing. She wants to see if I really do not drink anymore and not take her for granted before even thinking about it. She's very sincere and and has never even raised her voice at me or remotely told me anything untrue so I have to take her at her word. She was single for three years before me so got to hope she stays picky for a little while.

 

As I said I do get that my chances are very very slim and yes I will be heartbroken if I find out about another guy at some time. But I'm already heartbroken and in pain every day all day so I have to attempt here. I will be doing my best to keep moving forward in my own life and try not to get my hopes very high though. And who knows when she's ready it might just be too late for HER.

 

On a side note my own aunt and uncle split for six months, moved out and whole nine yards when they were my age. They've been married now for 30 years after working things out.

 

I just have to work on this not being so willing and overly nice stuff but I get weak when I see her. Days I don't see her I rarely communicate at all. Come to think of it my chest doesn't pound so much either those days. But days we have to meet I get that kid in a candy store excitement and stress at the same time. Have to figure out how to control that and just play it cool.

[Toodaloo]

Brian

 

I really think you need to 180 on her. I think she is still on the fence but its starting to lead towards her looking to you for validation and a crutch rather than as a partner. Need to stop that in its tracks.

 

Well done on progress so far. Next time she brings up relationship, as hard as it will be, tell her you don't want to discuss it. Perhaps later. Time for some of your own boundaries now.

 

Leave her to get on, support and congratulate her on her successes but this one has to learn to reciprocate to you. Its a 2 way street. It can't all come from you. So concentrate on work and celebrate the things that you have done well with and achieved.

 

You have been sober for how long now? On top of that you have done it while she has got drunk and overly emotional! You have dealt with awkward and horrible situations. You are doing brilliantly. That really is something to celebrate.

 

I know its hard and it hurts, but she is clearly one who likes to "chase". Let her. Keep going as you are. Keep all talk of emotions etc to absolute minimum and don't let her bring it up either. Arrange to take your daughter out with out her. Plan great fun things so she can see that actually she is missing out on a great guy and a really fantastic family life here.

 

Keep going to meetings, keep eating, keep going to the gym, keep reading books, talking to people, keep going.

[Flabreakup]

I think your right. Today was another bad day after yesterday's good day. Mainly because I just can't keep my mouth shut about things. I'm really going to work on it and hold my tongue.

 

She was a little upset today because she said she's tried for a while to work on things and I didn't pay attention so I killed the love. She not sure she can get it back and felt that we just need to see what time will do.

 

So time I have to give her. It does feel like the first day all over again. I just can't get this one day good and one day bad stuff.

[Chi townD]

PLAYING HARD TO GET IS THE 180!!!!!!

 

 

Right now, she knows that all she needs to do is snap her fingers and you would come running. That's why she nodded and smiled when you said, I can wait around and be a friend forever. She was probably thinking, "Yeah....right."

[BC1980]

I think your right. Today was another bad day after yesterday's good day. Mainly because I just can't keep my mouth shut about things. I'm really going to work on it and hold my tongue.

She was a little upset today because she said she's tried for a while to work on things and I didn't pay attention so I killed the love. She not sure she can get it back and felt that we just need to see what time will do.

 

So time I have to give her. It does feel like the first day all over again. I just can't get this one day good and one day bad stuff.

 

It makes me sad that you feel like you need to censor yourself in a situation where it's nearly impossible. Of course, you want to talk about the relationship with her. How can you not feel that way? Right now, you're torturing yourself by putting yourself in situations where you are playing house with her but on her terms. You're going to grow bitter over time.

 

What she said about giving you multiple chances. . . . I mentioned that earlier. When someone gets to the point of dumping someone, they have often tried for a long time to fix the problems. You may have never been aware of that fact, but, in her mind, this has been a long time coming. The 180 has been suggested by two people, and it's basically the same thing as NC. Of course, you will need to talk to her about your daughter, but you can do NC even with a child involved.

[Flabreakup]

I am going to do this. I wasn't aiming to talk to her today until she contacted me about her phone not working at her new place. And of course it went to relationship stuff. Her phone kept dropping the call so she was getting more agitated.

 

We talked later in the day and everything was fine. I just really have to figure out what to do all day when I'm sitting home alone thinking about things. I've really tried a bunch of stuff but some times I have no motivation. My business only takes a few hours a day sometimes none. I go to aa meetings and the gym but that's two or three hours then have the other 15 or so to do nothing. No one to visit no neighbors thought about the gym twice a day but seems much.

 

I've dropped 20 pounds in these three and half weeks but some of this is running. Never ran in my life now I do til I'm about to pass out.

 

I know everyone is right and I need to stop playing house and man up so I'll try my best. I just get so weak when I think about what I'm losing and all the other things that are clearly out of my control at the moment.

 

But thank you I do appreciate the advise

Edited February 26, 2015 by Flabreakup

[BC1980]

I am going to do this. I wasn't aiming to talk to her today until she contacted me about her phone not working at her new place. And of course it went to relationship stuff. Her phone kept dropping the call so she was getting more agitated.

 

We talked later in the day and everything was fine. I just really have to figure out what to do all day when I'm sitting home alone thinking about things. I've really tried a bunch of stuff but some times I have no motivation. My business only takes a few hours a day sometimes none. I go to aa meetings and the gym but that's two or three hours then have the other 15 or so to do nothing. No one to visit no neighbors thought about the gym twice a day but seems much.

 

I've dropped 20 pounds in these three and half weeks but some of this is running. Never ran in my life now I do til I'm about to pass out.

 

I know everyone is right and I need to stop playing house and man up so I'll try my best. I just get so weak when I think about what I'm losing and all the other things that are clearly out of my control at the moment.

 

But thank you I do appreciate the advise

 

I really feel for you because you don't have much support since you are not from the area. You are trapped because you can't move away from your daughter. If you want any chance at all, you need to do NC. When I say NC, I mean that you can still talk to her about your daughter. Going NC doesn't fix the problem, but it does sort of force her to show her hand. You have to really make her feel your absence if she is going to make any sort of decision. Right now, you are enabling her "confusion." BTW, I don't believe she is confused; I believe that she wishes she didn't feel the way she feels. The really ironic thing is that "trying," in these instances, often means doing nothing. The only reason I suggest "trying" at all is because a child is involved.

 

Also, don't put much stock into her words. She might say "the lease can be broken," but take it with a grain of salt. Watch her actions, which have clearly communicated that she doesn't want a relationship. People say all kinds of things when relationships end, but they don't mean half of it.

[Flabreakup]

I do understand now that trying means doing nothing. Her mom and friend, her closest people, both say to be chased and stop chasing her. mom even said make her jealious or something like that. So I'm going to give it a tryand just let it be for a while Problem is we did talk about lunch and the park tomorrow but as mentioned I think I'm just helping her close the gap here. So I'll see if I can just have her drop the baby off.

 

So I kind of screwed up again by even talking about doing things tomorrow. Also when she said her phone doesn't work I took care of that today too. Ordered new iPhone six plus for both of us. We still had over a year left on our plan so we're kind of stuck. Her parents are paying for the new place but I'll be doing the moving for her. Said I would last week so can't back out now. And dont want other people in my home. Also sent some money for the next two weeks until she gets her first paycheck. Can't let my daughter go without electric food and stuff like that. She did say she would pay me back when she could and didn't ask,I offered. She has paid for many things in the past while i got the business going. There is no child support so I do what I can and will be paying for child care while she's working.

 

These are things I have to do but will not be offering anymore help. She has helped me a lot in the past too without excpecting anything.

 

I do think that she is still confused about her own feelings and is still really hurt from the stuff she put up with me. Obviously the old relationship is dead and over but I have to think that through time and healing who knows. We do have a baby that we both adore so if trying is doing nothing she will be moved out soon enough and nothing I will do.

 

It just seems strange that when we talk it never goes well because the relationship comes with me trying to explain things or just sounding plain needy and desperate. but while in person everything goes good,we have fun and just a week ago we were talking about baby steps and first dates. Then Sunday hanging out for six hours. She always leaves with a smile om her face. Her friend told me that two weeks ago she told her that she shouldn't be spending so much time with me if there was no chance and yet we are still doing it. Me reading between the lines thinks that she is confused and still has some little bit of love for me but she's very afraid of things just going back to the same stuff so she's trying to take it super duper slow and protect herself if it doesn't go well.

 

So with me trying to get her to chase me or something along those lines if she wants to do something with our daughter should I really say no just drop her off? Seems that would kill any communication and any chance of building up a new rapore. Of course it would be better if I just back off and don't sound so desparare all the time.

 

By the way I've only spoken with her mom once and her friend has been texting me since Sunday when we saw each other. Her friend said that not once has she said she's done with me or doesn't want top try. Only that she needs time and doesn't know what she wants.

 

I like to think that when an old building comes crashing down it takes time to clean up the mess and start rebuilding. Time I've got but discipline to not sounding desperate is proving much harder.

 

Thanks for listening

[BC1980]

Don't give her anymore money unless it's for your child. If her parents are paying for her place, they can help her along. Your child can stay with you if your ex has no electricity.

[Flabreakup]

So f it. Ended up going bowling was having a great time and saw her phone. She was texting a guy with some serious dirty talk. Once while I was sitting there. Someone she had sex with before we met. The guy has a girl with a baby and lives six hours away. Friend of her friends who Ive been around. Said she was just flirting and it was meaningless. Although they were making plans for a trip. Said she was just playing along and wanted to feel wanted. I'm not a fool though.

 

She actually had the balls to say she needs to be with some else before she can try with me. Worthless piece of you now what. I have pics of the messages. Thinking about sending them to the girl so they all feel how I feel right now.

 

Also found out before me she had many casual relationships I never heard about or new.

 

I feel so many things right now I can't explain. Leading me on this whole time. Said she just want a guy for the night and no relationship. Can't believe I was such an idiot. I feel like a real fool. Don't believe a word she says anymore. I'm lost hurt angry Pissed and evyother thing imaginable. Disgusts me to even think about it and she has my daughter and she's going to be around this ****. I really thought so much higher of her now I know she has always been a pig. Just in disbelief right now. Never heard anything bad about her from anyone.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Flabreakup

[BC1980]

So f it. Ended up going bowling was having a great time and saw her phone. She was texting a guy with some serious dirty talk. Once while I was sitting there. Someone she had sex with before we met. The guy has a girl with a baby and lives six hours away. Friend of her friends who Ive been around. Said she was just flirting and it was meaningless. Although they were making plans for a trip. Said she was just playing along and wanted to feel wanted. I'm not a fool though.

 

She actually had the balls to say she needs to be with some else before she can try with me. Worthless piece of you now what. I have pics of the messages. Thinking about sending them to the girl so they all feel how I feel right now.

 

Also found out before me she had many casual relationships I never heard about or new.

 

I feel so many things right now I can't explain. Leading me on this whole time. Said she just want a guy for the night and no relationship. Can't believe I was such an idiot. I feel like a real fool. Don't believe a word she says anymore. I'm lost hurt angry Pissed and evyother thing imaginable. Disgusts me to even think about it and she has my daughter and she's going to be around this ****. I really thought so much higher of her now I know she has always been a pig. Just in disbelief right now. Never heard anything bad about her from anyone.

 

I'm so sorry you saw all of that. Try to get your emotions in check before you do anything else. Sometimes, you need to see it to believe it, and you've now seen that she isn't serious about repairing anything with you. We can tell you all day long, but it often takes something like this to make you believe. You've seen that talk is cheap. I've been the recipient of the type of behavior she is pulling on you, so I can feel your pain. Remember what I said about not giving her anymore money. You will seriously regret doing so on the back end. Don't even mention the texts to her anymore because it will only blow up into an argument.

 

I really feel for you because you have a daughter with her. You can't just leave and never look back. Be prepared for her to paint you as an awful person, and be prepared for her family to side with her. I wish I could tell you to move back home to your family because that would be the best thing for you if you didn't have a child with her.

Edited February 27, 2015 by BC1980

[Flabreakup]

Yea have barely slept. She said this is how she gets over guys and just wants to have fun. Really took the wind out of my sail. Thought so much more highly of her than to do that. the things they were saying we're just terrible and in only two weeks. Really don't want anything to do with her but she kept saying it was meaningless and all that stuff. But made plans to take a trip one day she can't wait. Barely slep a few hours. Good idea to let the truth be known. I don't care what she thinks anymore.

[Flabreakup]

Said she didn't want me to ever know about her sex with guys because I'm important to her. What a crock.