Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[CarrieT]

My focus is on him -- like an addiction.

 

I nearly lost my job -- my son -- and everything. And as I type this - I am in terrible withdrawl from him.. and I want those good moments back SO badly. He and I are so good in SO many ways. Chemistry -- off the charts. But, I have a HORRIBLE time seeing him clearly.

 

Re-read what you wrote and see the giant red flags: ADDICTION. WITHDRAWAL.

 

Admitting that you have a horrible time seeing anything clearly.

 

Doesn't the sane, intelligent, thoughtful person inside you realize how detrimental all this is?

 

My goodness, I have been in your shoes. I came to LS in 2008 to end a similar relationship with someone with whom the chemistry was "off the charts."

 

And you know what? That "chemistry" and what you think is "so good in SO many ways" never, EVER lasts. Ever. It is not sustainable and when it starts to break down, you are in for a world of hurt bigger than what you are experiencing now.

 

Hopefully we have been able to reach you before you have gone too far. Go back and reclaim what you can with your son and your sanity: It is there you will find peace and happiness...

[me2me2]

So-- here's what I need to remember. I am TRYING to stay strong.

 

 

*He competes with my son.

 

 

*My son can't live with us (my ex hates my BF) and I will be pushed to only every other weekend.

 

 

*He says he doesn't want an "absent wife" and me traveling to see my son more than twice a month -- is very "concerning" to him.

 

 

*He doesn't want me to have a job that involves travel, because it takes away time for "us".

 

 

*He needs to inspect my text messages and FB messages to everyone - to make sure I'm not flirting or talking about him to my friends.

 

 

*He wants me to quit my job and move to his city with OUT anything as a back up.

 

 

*I have repeatedly lied to him about my trips to see my son and he has been distrustful of me because of it. BUT the reason I've lied - is because he doesn't want me to see my son without him there.

 

 

*He is quit to anger and spins things into all my fault.

 

 

*He wanted to run my mediation (post divorce). MY ex tried to get sole custody of my son because of fears my BF would be an issue and allow him to relocate 3 hours away. THAT ticked off my BF and he wanted to be involved in the mediation process because he wanted to fight my ex.

 

 

*He gets very angry when he feels that he's gaining weight or his fitness level has been compromised. He spent over an hour swearing and staring in the mirror -- when he saw that he looked bloated.

 

 

*He's a doctor and he won't go to the doctor and he has all the symptoms of colon cancer. (I don't know about the BAD issues -- but I know bloating -- pain -- and other problems) and he has a strong family history of young colon cancer. These symptoms will leave him frustrated on almost a daily basis.

 

 

*He has been in a marathon run after me. I have lived with him for the past month -- but before and NOW (while I'm working) he will commute nearly daily to make sure that he's in my town and sleeping next to me. He says that he has visions of me in bed with other men and that he can't live with them -- and he needs to be near me all the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THIS!

 

I think this is what it boils down to.

 

So many people who suffer from issues of self worth or with abusive and ridiculous people hang on claiming love and chemistry, but a large part is their emotions being twisted around because of manipulation, the push and pull and being completely fearful of leaving.

 

Being scared to be without him isn't love, it's just being scared to be without him and it is a reflection of your feelings about yourself usually and your fear that you're not good enough so must tolerate bad behavior from someone who you essentially deem worthier than you. Most people in these toxic scenarios want love and validation from men who cannot give it but it makes them all the more desperate for it and think if this person they deem worthier than them will love them they can finally be whole and worthy or they believe if they can be the one this awful person changes for it will prove their worth and them being special, so they again run themselves ragged trying to find value in these kinds of situation. Yet, ironically the longer they stay is the worse they feel about themselves and the more damaged they become and then the less worthy they feel of being ever able to find someone else so feel even more stuck with this other person because they think no one else will love them especially not now after they've realized they've spent so much time in such a situation.

 

OP, I have a feeling you suffer from some of this. It's very common with women who've been sexually abused that they feel a sense of being damaged goods and being unworthy of a good man so subconsciously avoid them and then try to tell themselves they should be grateful that any man wants them at all so put up with A LOT. This man on the surface seems like a catch mostly because of his status and I think that adds to the situation where you wrongfully think he is worthy because he has a successful career, but a successful career doesn't make him a good man or a good husband or good father. But that seems to be the only thing he has going for him, his money and status but otherwise is a d-bag who uses this same status and money to manipulate you and buy attention.

[whichwayisup]

If you don't end this and get him out of your life, you're gonna end up six feet under. Your "ex" or soon to be ex is NUTS. He's a Narcissistic, is dangerous, is control freak, abusive, manipulating and did I say NUTS? Yes I did, twice.

 

You need help, counseling and lots of support from your family and friends. Everybody here, probably everybody in your life see him for who he is, except you. Red flags are smacking you in the face and you still want him. He has you so manipulated and controlled, you're scared to be without him.

[Under The Radar]

Jesus, if this guy's so pathologically and abusively preoccupied with you ...... who's running hell?

 

That's not the premise to a joke ...... it's honestly a literal question.

 

Hippocratic Oath my ass ...... thankfully he's not a Family Practitioner, or worse, a Gynecologist.

 

If he has such boundary issues with young girls I cannot even imagine what he may use his professional power to accomplish.

 

As others have said, this is beyond red flags now ...... he's given you a litany of deal breakers, in itemized form, for your viewing pleasure.

 

This will not get any better.

 

If you marry him only misery awaits you and your son. If you don't have the strength to leave for yourself ...... please do it for your child.

 

Here's another recommended book: "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Training Revelations

[me2me2]

He literally took all of this week off of work (even though he only works about 2 hours a day).... He said he couldn't function.

 

 

Last time I left him -- he broke down crying during surgery and they took him to talk to the Chaplin. He is cold and disciplined in all other areas of life that I've seen -- but with me? He runs a marathon sprint after me.

 

 

To give you a little snippet -- I am a news anchor. And that's why he gets so so jealous -- FB fans drive him CrAZY and he is constantly scared someone is going to flirt with me or vice versa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus, if this guy's so pathologically and abusively preoccupied with you ...... who's running hell?

 

That's not the premise to a joke ...... it's honestly a literal question.

 

Hippocratic Oath my ass ...... thankfully he's not a Family Practitioner, or worse, a Gynecologist.

 

If he has such boundary issues with young girls I cannot even imagine what he may use his professional power to accomplish.

 

As others have said, this is beyond red flags now ...... he's given you a litany of deal breakers, in itemized form, for your viewing pleasure.

 

This will not get any better.

 

If you marry him only misery awaits you and your son. If you don't have the strength to leave for yourself ...... please do it for your child.

 

Here's another recommended book: "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern.

[whichwayisup]

He literally took all of this week off of work (even though he only works about 2 hours a day).... He said he couldn't function.

 

 

Last time I left him -- he broke down crying during surgery and they took him to talk to the Chaplin. He is cold and disciplined in all other areas of life that I've seen -- but with me? He runs a marathon sprint after me.

 

 

To give you a little snippet -- I am a news anchor. And that's why he gets so so jealous -- FB fans drive him CrAZY and he is constantly scared someone is going to flirt with me or vice versa.

 

Just shows how messed up he is, can't suck it up and perform his duties, needed to see the hospital chaplain? Because you are ending things or ended it with him? HUGE FLAG!!!

 

It doesn't matter if you're in the spotlight or not, yes that has fueled his jealously but even if you were behind the scenes, and not on TV, ANY job with men, he'd have issues with it.

 

Do any of your co workers know him? If so, what do they think of his crazy behaviour?

 

Just would hate to see you ON the news for the wrong reasons, so protect yourself. Really, if you feel threatened by him (and you should be concerned he is capable of anything and everything) call the cops and start a file on him.

 

Edited to add: Please don't go into any more detail about your job, do not post on here where you work, what station or anything. You need your privacy.

[me2me2]

Yes ... Well he's a real charmer. My friends who have met him and loved him.

 

HoWever, they haven't spent much time with him.

 

Now my Gay hairdresser is a celebrity stylist. He is very crazy lol but he shoots straight and while he liked him initially ...he thinks he's a nightmare now mainly because of the fact that he's taking me away from my son and a very successful career.

[elaine567]

Yes ... Well he's a real charmer. My friends who have met him and loved him.

 

HoWever, they haven't spent much time with him.

 

Now my Gay hairdresser is a celebrity stylist. He is very crazy lol but he shoots straight and while he liked him initially ...he thinks he's a nightmare now mainly because of the fact that he's taking me away from my son and a very successful career.

 

Narcissists like to paint a great picture of themselves, they are superficially charming because they will be whoever you want them to be, until they own you, then it is a far different story.

I do not know if he is a true "narcissist" or not but he has some horrible personality traits.

- The One Question You Need To Determine If A Narcissist Is A Narcissis

 

The fact you are a news anchor is interesting, because essentially you are now dating a stalker.

Had he been an ordinary Joe, you would have been contacting the police by now, but because he has a high powered "caring" job, he has fooled you into a relationship, it is a great cover for him, but he is no less dangerous.

YOU are obviously an intelligent woman, see this for what it is.

[me2me2]

Yeah -- well, part of the problem is I initially started a trend with him..I'd text him while I was in commercial breaks. tv isn't nearly as glamorous as people think. Anyway, he will expect me to respond to him -- and even start fights or threaten to end our relationship (if I'm not listening to him)...WHILE I'M on the air. Yes, it's commercial when I see it -- but it is very emotional stuff and shouldnt' be done while I'm anywhere close to a TV..

 

 

It's like I would never tell him something upsetting if he was in the hospital. It's just not fair to do...

 

 

So, that's another example that he could care less about things...when it comes to me.

 

 

I told him recently that I nearly started crying on the air the other day and he seemed totally unphased..and just said "join the club..."

[elaine567]

I told him recently that I nearly started crying on the air the other day and he seemed totally unphased..and just said "join the club..."

 

He will have an inability to empathise.

General surgeons are often fairly psychopathic in nature, it comes with the territory.

[me2me2]

I actually read up on narcassists and sociopaths -- and I see that he's def a narcassists..

 

 

Possibly a sociopath -- the only thing is I've seen him show emotion. But, typically it's when he's feeling the pain regarding losing me.

 

 

He talks and talks and talks -- and it's almost always all about himself.

 

 

One day he had a strange thing pop up. He was joking around with his daughter -- and he apparently started laughing pretty hard. His daughter thought he looked so ridiculous with his laughter -- that she took video of it.

Well, he then sent that video of HIM laughing -- to me and then that weekend he showed it to his friends -- and even people he just met.

 

 

He thought the video of HIM laughing was just SO SO funny.... and I was actually embarrassed. I thought what is this? That's very narcissistic.

 

 

He will have an inability to empathise.

General surgeons are often fairly psychopathic in nature, it comes with the territory.

[elaine567]

I actually read up on narcassists and sociopaths -- and I see that he's def a narcassists..

 

 

Possibly a sociopath -- the only thing is I've seen him show emotion. But, typically it's when he's feeling the pain regarding losing me.

 

 

He talks and talks and talks -- and it's almost always all about himself.

 

 

One day he had a strange thing pop up. He was joking around with his daughter -- and he apparently started laughing pretty hard. His daughter thought he looked so ridiculous with his laughter -- that she took video of it.

Well, he then sent that video of HIM laughing -- to me and then that weekend he showed it to his friends -- and even people he just met.

 

 

He thought the video of HIM laughing was just SO SO funny.... and I was actually embarrassed. I thought what is this? That's very narcissistic.

 

Narcissism is not just a label. He will send you crazy because he doesn't love you, he just wants a victim to put up with his rubbish.

They are dangerous people and will suck you dry, then discard you.

There is no cure, you cannot save him.

RUN.

[ascendotum]

No it doesn't.

 

This definition is good enough for me:

 

"A person who is sexually attracted to children."

 

Are you aware that some children experience puberty as young as 9 or10?

 

Off topic somewhat but its been brought into the picture by some of the women here. NO SOG is right. To talk about extra attention to a 15 yr old teenage girl as being a pedo is crap on 2 levels (the level of behavior and the age of the girl)! It relates to children not young women menstruating. It gets thrown around here ridiculously in similar threads. It is a very serious offense & accusation. I saw it got used by someone relating to the post where he bought one of his daughters friends something when all her friends were buying stuff and she was broke. I'm picturing him $300k dad buying the broke girl lunch after volleyball practice and not giving her $ for expensive necklace. Sheeesh

A relationship with this guy who is not ideal on a number of fronts where she gives up her career AND son and move for him when she has no guarantee of long term commitment from him is the crazy bit for me. A surgeon who can spend 6 hrs a day driving to see his gf, also crazy.

[elaine567]

I actually read up on narcassists and sociopaths -- and I see that he's def a narcassists..

 

- Confronting Narcissists Directly Has Explosive Results

[Under The Radar]

He will have an inability to empathise.

General surgeons are often fairly psychopathic in nature, it comes with the territory.

 

It's true that many surgeons have large egos, but let's not put a blanket condemnation on an entire profession because this guy is a nut job ...... He would be a nut job in ANY profession.

[Under The Radar]

Yeah -- well, part of the problem is I initially started a trend with him..I'd text him while I was in commercial breaks. tv isn't nearly as glamorous as people think. Anyway, he will expect me to respond to him -- and even start fights or threaten to end our relationship (if I'm not listening to him)...WHILE I'M on the air. Yes, it's commercial when I see it -- but it is very emotional stuff and shouldnt' be done while I'm anywhere close to a TV..

 

 

It's like I would never tell him something upsetting if he was in the hospital. It's just not fair to do...

 

 

So, that's another example that he could care less about things...when it comes to me.

 

 

I told him recently that I nearly started crying on the air the other day and he seemed totally unphased..and just said "join the club..."

 

Based on what has already transpired he is clearly unable to maintain appropriate boundaries.

 

It is likely to escalate ...... which could cost you this job and possibly future job prospects.

[me2me2]

Yes. He is melting down tonight. I blocked his number and now he's calling from rigged caller ID numbers. Posing as my work number.

 

He is so upset about things and probably that he has lost me. He doesn't deal well with that.

 

I am so grateful that I still have my job. So grateful. And ending this now is obviously very hard but it gives me my career and future back with my son.

[Under The Radar]

Yes. He is melting down tonight. I blocked his number and now he's calling from rigged caller ID numbers. Posing as my work number.

 

He is so upset about things and probably that he has lost me. He doesn't deal well with that.

 

I am so grateful that I still have my job. So grateful. And ending this now is obviously very hard but it gives me my career and future back with my son.

 

This is a difficult, but very much needed step forward ...... you are valuing what is important to you ...... and separating yourself from a person who will destroy exactly that.

[BlueIris]

Stay strong. You said earlier that you are weak, but you’re not. You are stronger than you can imagine. You can do this.

 

Is there any work or family reason that would make it impossible to turn off your phone? It could be a huge relief and help you detox from him for a while and clear your mind.

 

This guy is really off, not safe at all and not loving. Your ability to provide for yourself (work) and your child are vastly more important than a relationship, and anyone who loves you will honor that.

[me2me2]

Part of the problem that I have...is that I have lied to this man a lot during the times I was contemplating leaving him. I had told him the first time that I had to go to an emergency hearing in my city (3 hours away) for my divorce. He didn't believe me and he got very, very angry. That's when he started texting my attorney -- asking me to repeat back to him -- what the lawyer had received -- IF I was really there. He didn't believe that I was...obviously.

 

 

That was the night that he threatened to lock the doors on me...and that If I didn't return back to the house by a certain time--he was blocking me on FB, phone and I'd never be able to see him again. Of course, that left me fearing for my safety -- so I stayed with my friend in town that night -- and he accused me of sleeping around....

 

 

I told him it was just that his actions were not stable. Remember, I had to call 911 because I thought he was "dying" as he said in his text.

 

 

The next time I took off because my son was sick. I told him I needed to get there... asap. He is a doctor so he was very unaffected by it and told me to turn around and come get him so we could go together --since he was only 10 minutes behind me. I told him no -- if you want to come -- drive your own call. (he was on-call at the hospital). He refused -- said it was clear he wasn't wanted and then proceeded to threaten me all afternoon because I didn't have my location services on my phone. He even called the hospitals trying to track down my son - as a patient to see if I was telling him the truth. He was unable to verify -- and that made him freak out even more.

 

 

That was last week - and I ended up getting sucked back in -- even though he insulted me and accused me of sleeping around and going to meet a man while I was there --

 

 

And now -- I left yesterday and I told him it was because I was freaked out about the texts he sent that girl. He said he takes responsibility for that -- he understand my feelings and while he won't talk to her again -- he thinks NOTHING happened and I'm overreacting. I lied to him and wouldn't tell him where I was because he was unfriending me on FB -- calling me from strange phone numbers and demanding my location services. I was scared he would come to my work. Well, he ended up checking online and saw I was on the news -- and freaked out even MORE. Since...as he says..it was all because of my lies.

 

 

And now -- he is saying he can't trust my word -- but he wants to give me a chance -- to earn my trust. And he's irate that I haven't come home and I wouldn't let him come see me today.

 

 

And now I just got a text from him (he's found a way around the block) that says he loves me and hates what this has turned into and he wants me to come home.

 

 

Doesn't this just sound off base even MORE? Would you call the police if you were me?

[CarrieT]

Just say no.

 

Over and over, just say NO to this man.

 

And then file a Restraining Order because I have a feeling you are going to need one.

 

This guy is bat-sh*t crazy.

[me2me2]

This has been a tough day -- but this quote/post really made me laugh. Thanks for keeping me strong and helping me slowly see the light...thanks to everyone here.

 

 

I know I may sound frustrating -- but this message board is helping me more than you can ever know....

 

 

Just say no.

 

Over and over, just say NO to this man.

 

And then file a Restraining Order because I have a feeling you are going to need one.

 

This guy is bat-sh*t crazy.

[MissBee]

Just say no.

 

Over and over, just say NO to this man.

 

And then file a Restraining Order because I have a feeling you are going to need one.

This guy is bat-sh*t crazy.

 

Ditto.

 

He sounds like a lunatic.

 

He goes from zero-100 in a matter of minutes it seems and over silly things.

 

He is unstable OP and I'm glad you've taken the steps to be done with him. However, you have to gain support from friends and family in doing so, as you've obviously tried to end it before and somehow went back, so I'd advise you to do all you can to make sure this isn't temporary but permanent.

 

I also agree that based on his actions, and once he sees you're serious, you will probably indeed need a RO.

[me2me2]

Yes he just texted me to say that he's driving around near his home... He doesn't want to go home to AJ empty house so he is listening to music and crying hysterically.

 

He is texting me this ... And I believe it is true. So unstable

[CarrieT]

He is texting me this ... And I believe it is true. So unstable

 

Call your mobile phone company to learn how to block him so you do not see his texts.