Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[elaine567]

He may or not be a classic narcissist, but this is good advice on how to leave any abusive/manipulative person.

 

6 Steps on How to Leave the Narcissist | The Narcissistic Life

[me2me2]

Yes he's callong and texting and says he is still coming and begging me to talk to him. He says that asking for him not to come this week is detrimental to us and It raises more questions.

[CALOVELY]

Yes he's callong and texting and says he is still coming and begging me to talk to him. He says that asking for him not to come this week is detrimental to us and It raises more questions.

 

What did you email him? Was there any doubt that you did not want him to show up?

[me2me2]

No. No doubt. I said I needed the time to think and he did too. That is we are going to marry we need to be 1000 percent. And I didn't feel we each coukd say that. And taking a few days a part was what I needed. When he texted. I said " please understand and respect my wishes."

[evanescentworld]

Jeesh, he really is ramping up the pressure, isn't he?

 

he sure doesn't want to let go of you!

 

It will be so difficult to find as willing a victim, again!!

[CALOVELY]

No. No doubt. I said I needed the time to think and he did too. That is we are going to marry we need to be 1000 percent. And I didn't feel we each coukd say that. And taking a few days a part was what I needed. When he texted. I said " please understand and respect my wishes."

 

He is not respecting your wishes then. He cannot even give you a second of breathing room. If you really wanted to end the relationship, I would call him up and let him know the relationship is over and if he comes to your home, the police will be there to great him as he is refusing to leave you alone. That is what I would do in your situation if I wanted to put an end to this. It sounds like you are on the fence though and so he will continue to muscle his way through your boundaries.

[Purepony]

I think you know the answer to this whole debacle is just a matter of you doing what's right

[me2me2]

He called. I told him I needed a little space. He said that was contrary to what I said this morning. I told him that I had been thinking about it.

 

Then he said it "won't be good" if he doesn't see me for 3 days.

 

I said did you ever think I might want to have dinner w my son? He said well you never said that and "I'm tired of being insulted..." He said "good luck" and he hung up on me.

 

And he's texting that I "always have an excuse".

[evanescentworld]

He called. I told him I needed a little space. He said that was contrary to what I said this morning. I told him that I had been thinking about it.

 

Then he said it "won't be good" if he doesn't see me for 3 days.

 

I said did you ever think I might want to have dinner w my son? He said well you never said that and "I'm tired of being insulted..." He said "good luck" and he hung up on me.

 

And he's texting that I "always have an excuse".

Block - his - number - on - your - phone.

 

DO IT.

[CALOVELY]

I think I am going to bow out of this discussion now. You will end the toxicity when you have had enough. Best of luck to you and I wish you well.

[me2me2]

It's ended ... I even called security at work. I am trying to stay strong.

[evanescentworld]

It's ended ...

Says you....

 

I even called security at work. I am trying to stay strong.

What does 'calling security at work' do, exactly? Seriously, I'm asking.

 

And I meant what I said. Block his number.

(You can download an app to block texts too. it works a treat....)

[me2me2]

Well, I'm a public figure and it is extremely easy to know my whereabouts. So I notifyed security.

 

The last time I blocked his number, he figured out a way to have his caller ID come up as my work's phone number. When I answered he said "why are you blocking my calls?"

[evanescentworld]

Then change your number.

 

And please don't say "I can't possibly do that!" I have done it twice, and on one of those occasions I had nearly 100 business contacts, none of whom I have lost.

 

My Boss also did it, when an ex-client who wanted to take her business over when she sold it, became aggrieved when she sold it to a higher bidder.... he began to be a real nuisance, so she changed her number. Also never lost any other contacts....

[Got it]

Yes. He has put deadlines on things. I've left and he has said if you aren't bagk by a certain time... It's over. He sets deadlines. and now he says I can work through Friday but he wants to stay with me and do that commute every day because he misses me

 

 

 

Okay, but how does this address these questions?

 

Who cares what happens in the next week? Why is there even a week timeline on things? Does his love for you expire in a week?

 

Again, you are only focusing on him and what he is saying. You didn't answer any questions tied to anything else than his immediate actions/requests. Why aren't you thinking for yourself? Why are being so passive in your own life?

 

So what that he gives a deadline. Tell him what you need, etc. If he decides that doesn't work for him then he wasn't in it for you and what you need. He should be willing to give you the space you want/need. Part of why he is doing the hard press is a potential fear that if you have space and distance you will see reality for reality and may not make a decision in his best interest.

 

Think about why your gut is all over the place and why.

[Got it]

It's ended ... I even called security at work. I am trying to stay strong.

 

Me, what is is that attracts you to this? What do you love? Are you afraid to be alone? Do you know who you are without a romantic partner?

[Quiet Storm]

This guy is not supportive of your relationship with your son, and that's really all you need to know.

 

You spend your time with your son managing your boyfriend and his texts/calls, and worrying about what mood he'll be in when you get home. So he is managing to monopolize the time you have with your son, to get your focus on him.

 

That's not cool. Your son already has limited time with you. And your BF is not mature enough, or considerate enough to think about your son's needs. A caring and considerate BF would realize that you need to focus on your son during your time together. This guy is so wrapped up in controlling you that your son's feelings are not even a consideration. As a mom, that should be a dealbreaker. It's simply unacceptable.

[Satu]

To the OP:

 

I don't mean to insult you by saying this, but I think you need to get to know yourself better, and find your inner compass. You seem to be very outer-focussed, which is ok, but it needs to balanced with your inner life.

 

Your inner voice has been talking to you, but you've not been listening.

[evanescentworld]

This guy is not supportive of your relationship with your son, and that's really all you need to know.

 

You spend your time with your son managing your boyfriend and his texts/calls, and worrying about what mood he'll be in when you get home. So he is managing to monopolize the time you have with your son, to get your focus on him.

 

That's not cool. Your son already has limited time with you. And your BF is not mature enough, or considerate enough to think about your son's needs. A caring and considerate BF would realize that you need to focus on your son during your time together. This guy is so wrapped up in controlling you that your son's feelings are not even a consideration. As a mom, that should be a dealbreaker. It's simply unacceptable.

 

I'm sure that if you had a daughter, his focus would be entirely different.

[me2me2]

Yeah -- I was a victim of rape as a teenager -- sex abuse...by a close family friend. Which made me very, very nervous about my BF -- but in some ways it brought me here because I don't know what a NORMAL relationship is like between a 40 year old man and a teenage girl. I saw how the lines got crossed BADLY. So, I needed to know if this sounded bizarre.

 

 

I asked him to explain the texts etc and he told me that he would block her...but that I'm totally overreacting.

 

 

He's now saying that I keep putting up roadblocks to see each other -- and all I asked for was 3 days -- to work here and visit my son on my dinner breaks.

 

 

He says that it's "weird" and it appears I'm "hiding something" ...and there's "mystery".. he's sad, he's disappointed. etc. etc.

 

 

I told him I have no money here -- and while he offered to send money -- he said that he needed to know what happened the money I had in my account. I paid my own bills with my last paycheck before my leave of absence.

 

 

He's now asking how much I need to carry me -- and I don't know what to tell him. I don't want his money, but I feel as if he's put me in this position until my next paycheck.

[evanescentworld]

Do not respond. For goodness' sake, quit engaging with him! Don't keep telling him things, if you don't want him to react!

 

What is it going to take to get you to follow advice?

Block/delete/ignore, and change your damn number ferchrissakes!!

[CarrieT]

He says that it's "weird" and it appears I'm "hiding something" ...and there's "mystery".. he's sad, he's disappointed. etc. etc.

 

I told him I have no money here -- and while he offered to send money -- he said that he needed to know what happened the money I had in my account. I paid my own bills with my last paycheck before my leave of absence.

 

He's now asking how much I need to carry me -- and I don't know what to tell him. I don't want his money, but I feel as if he's put me in this position until my next paycheck.

 

I don't understand - why are you still communicating with him???

 

Go NO CONTACT and shut him off completely.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

A wife won't get jealous about one of her daughter's friends if the husband isn't doing something inappropriate. It sounds like she just figured out he was pursuing an incredibly inappropriate (and illegal) relationship. Has he told you why his marriage ended? Pedophilia would be a definite reason for me to end a marriage. And I get that it's no longer illegal but it is still very inappropriate.

 

 

Do you people even read the original posts when you write this stuff??

 

 

The original post states "around 15 at the time" (that's age, in case it wasn't obvious to you)

 

 

Now where do you get "pedophilia" having anything to do with that?

 

 

Pedophilia relates to pre-pubescent children.

[MissBee]

To the OP:

 

I don't mean to insult you by saying this, but I think you need to get to know yourself better, and find your inner compass. You seem to be very outer-focussed, which is ok, but it needs to balanced with your inner life.

 

Your inner voice has been talking to you, but you've not been listening.

 

I agree with this.

 

Nothing is insulting about this.

 

I read a book that I have recommended before and will recommend again, because it seems OP should read it ASAP. It's called Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself.

 

OP, I recommend you purchase this book immediately. If you have a Kindle/tablet you can get it on there instantly, order it online or grab it at a store.

 

I think it would be a good book for you as many of the case studies used sound similar to your situation. It's targeted at women who are successful in their career, head strong, decisive, opinionated and can do their jobs well and are respected, have friends and the rest but in terms of their romantic relationships they lose all that and submit all power and common sense to men and then their other relationships, career, even their children begin to suffer because of it. Their desire to please a man and be loved is overwhelming that they literally will throw everything else away to be validated and usually it's by a man who cannot validate them and never will so they run themselves into ruin because of it.

 

It's a great book and it not only explains the problem and why some women tend to do this, but gives you tools to change that behavior, it allows you to self-test where on the scale you fall as some "disappearing women" as the author terms it are not as bad as others. Some women need professional help with this problem (and since you've had a history of sexual abuse that most likely still affects you and your self worth and how you deal with men and the kinds of things you find acceptable or how you seek validation). If the self-test suggests you are really high on the disappearing scale she even provides resources for more information as well as suggestions of professionals you can reach out to.

 

I'd get it ASAP and start tackling this problem now because it is apparent that if your BF has inappropriate relationships with young girls, he's been dumped because of this, he is always seeking attention inappropriately, manipulates you through crying, begging and even lying and telling you he has pictures of you cheating, he wants you to throw away your career, he calls you from fake numbers when you block him to ask why he's blocked, he wants yo to leave your child who is 9 to be with him, he is constantly checking up on you and watching you on cameras and you are STILL considering marrying him and apparently haven't even been with him for a year...yea...this is NOT normal processing. You obviously are successful in your career so aren't an idiot, so this inability to do the right thing here is an emotional and psychological one that needs to be addressed.

[CALOVELY]

People here try to help others out of the kindness of their hearts. I was a fool though and did not read through your previous posts before engaging in this thread. There are so many inconsistencies in your multiple stories that it appears I have been had. I guess I should have taken my own advice and listened to my gut that was trying to tell me something. Live and learn.