Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[evanescentworld]

Every definition of paedophilia' I have looked up states that it is an inappropriate sexual attraction to children.

The word 'prepubescent' doesn't ever appear, and legally, anyone under adult age/the age of consent - is a child.

 

But then again, anyone can twist things around to suit their own PoV/opinion...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

You have told us that your boyfriend is basically a control freak, abusive and to top it all off a pederast. I think you should break up!!!

 

 

 

ROFL - now you people have this guy signed up for a N.A.M.B.L.A. membership as well!!

 

When did the OP ever say or imply as much???

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Every definition of paedophilia' I have looked up states that it is an inappropriate sexual attraction to children.

The word 'prepubescent' doesn't ever appear, and legally, anyone under adult age/the age of consent - is a child.

 

But then again, anyone can twist things around to suit their own PoV/opinion...

 

 

 

... then you might want to acquaint yourself with Google, for starters

 

 

I took your off-shoot of the word, put it immediately into google, and here is what resulted in the first thing which Google offered:

 

 

"Pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent ..."

 

 

now I doubt seriously that the next word in that entry is going to be cats

 

 

 

 

Here's the 4th one...

 

 

"Nov 25, 2014 - Paedophilia is a sexual interest in children who have not gone through puberty. Officially a psychiatric disorder under DSM-5, it's a condition ..."

 

 

(I didn't even click on these things to see the rest)

[me2me2]

Wow, Miss Bee -- you are spot on.

 

 

That's me. When I'm not stuck in a romantic trap -- I am so motivated and very successful. But, when I'm in this mess -- I am absolutely worthless. I have put everything and everyone behind him. My focus is on him -- like an addiction.

 

 

I have felt like I have needed to "submit"... and I have been willing to do so.. look what I've done for him.

 

 

I nearly lost my job -- my son -- and everything. And as I type this - I am in terrible withdrawl from him.. and I want those good moments back SO badly. He and I are so good in SO many ways. Chemistry -- off the charts. But, I have a HORRIBLE time seeing him clearly.

 

 

I agree with this.

 

Nothing is insulting about this.

 

I read a book that I have recommended before and will recommend again, because it seems OP should read it ASAP. It's called Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself.

 

OP, I recommend you purchase this book immediately. If you have a Kindle/tablet you can get it on there instantly, order it online or grab it at a store.

 

I think it would be a good book for you as many of the case studies used sound similar to your situation. It's targeted at women who are successful in their career, head strong, decisive, opinionated and can do their jobs well and are respected, have friends and the rest but in terms of their romantic relationships they lose all that and submit all power and common sense to men and then their other relationships, career, even their children begin to suffer because of it. Their desire to please a man and be loved is overwhelming that they literally will throw everything else away to be validated and usually it's by a man who cannot validate them and never will so they run themselves into ruin because of it.

 

It's a great book and it not only explains the problem and why some women tend to do this, but gives you tools to change that behavior, it allows you to self-test where on the scale you fall as some "disappearing women" as the author terms it are not as bad as others. Some women need professional help with this problem (and since you've had a history of sexual abuse that most likely still affects you and your self worth and how you deal with men and the kinds of things you find acceptable or how you seek validation). If the self-test suggests you are really high on the disappearing scale she even provides resources for more information as well as suggestions of professionals you can reach out to.

 

I'd get it ASAP and start tackling this problem now because it is apparent that if your BF has inappropriate relationships with young girls, he's been dumped because of this, he is always seeking attention inappropriately, manipulates you through crying, begging and even lying and telling you he has pictures of you cheating, he wants you to throw away your career, he calls you from fake numbers when you block him to ask why he's blocked, he wants yo to leave your child who is 9 to be with him, he is constantly checking up on you and watching you on cameras and you are STILL considering marrying him and apparently haven't even been with him for a year...yea...this is NOT normal processing. You obviously are successful in your career so aren't an idiot, so this inability to do the right thing here is an emotional and psychological one that needs to be addressed.

[evanescentworld]

SincereOnlineGuy, prepubescent would also denote not only a child who has not begun puberty, but also indicates a carnal innocence.

 

This is taking the matter off-topic, but while I take your point with regard to people's opinions of how differently paedophilia is viewed by different people, I think women have a different viewpoint to men in this sphere, because many women know what it is to be vulnerable and objectified.

 

Far too many women have themselves been exposed to abuse.

 

Many women who are mothers, connect to the victim as they might if it was their own child involved.

And the OP herself has been subjected to physical abuse.

 

So while I will concur that definition matters, it's also a question of personal opinion and viewpoints.

[AVarma]

The real creepy part about this whole thing is the fact that he has a daughter. If he was just a single 47 year old man who liked to hang out with college girls.. yeah it'd be a little weird but nothing to take notice of. The daughter part adds a new dimension to it. Also his abusive tendencies. I have an abusive father and trying to isolate her from her friends and family is EXACTLY what abusive men try to do. Also the crying when they feel they are losing power... I mean it's practically textbook. I haven't read the whole thread but I'm sure there is a suicide threat somewhere.

Edited January 14, 2015 by AVarma

[Satu]

 

 

Pedophilia relates to pre-pubescent children.

 

No it doesn't.

 

This definition is good enough for me:

 

"A person who is sexually attracted to children."

 

Are you aware that some children experience puberty as young as 9 or10?

[MissBee]

Off the charts chemistry is often present in most toxic relationships. It's toxic and strangely addictive but will leave you in RUIN.

 

Please try to maintain no contact with him for now, get a therapist, and get this book!

 

Your child needs you, you need you. This man cannot be your god and idol. Even if he "deserved" it it would sitll be unhealthy to put him above your child and everything else but he's not even worth it, so it makes it worse.

 

The withdrawal from him won't kill you. Take it a step at a time. Make lists of all the bad about him. Allow yourself to be angry and appalled. Read the book and see so many women like you. I think facing those realities head on clears some of the fog and cloudy thinking about toxic relationships and helps you in taking the steps to be free and to turn towards healthier attachments and healthier ways of relating.

 

Otherwise you'll be in for a life of drama and emotional abuse and your poor boy will also suffer, not just you, so think about that.

 

Wow, Miss Bee -- you are spot on.

 

 

That's me. When I'm not stuck in a romantic trap -- I am so motivated and very successful. But, when I'm in this mess -- I am absolutely worthless. I have put everything and everyone behind him. My focus is on him -- like an addiction.

 

 

I have felt like I have needed to "submit"... and I have been willing to do so.. look what I've done for him.

 

 

I nearly lost my job -- my son -- and everything. And as I type this - I am in terrible withdrawl from him.. and I want those good moments back SO badly. He and I are so good in SO many ways. Chemistry -- off the charts. But, I have a HORRIBLE time seeing him clearly.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Yeah -- I was a victim of rape as a teenager -- sex abuse...by a close family friend. Which made me very, very nervous about my BF -- but in some ways it brought me here because I don't know what a NORMAL relationship is like between a 40 year old man and a teenage girl. I saw how the lines got crossed BADLY. So, I needed to know if this sounded bizarre.

 

 

Of far greater impact than the gross misunderstanding of common terms by so many, is the contents of the quoted post above.

 

The above soooooooooooooooo very understandably places the OP into an attraction to a person who may share many of the same vibes as her one-time predator.

 

It is so normal (in the way of one possible reactionary path to and beyond sexual mistreatment) to be drawn right toward similar personality traits.

 

However, we don't yet know whether this now boyfriend is someone who has crossed the line into wrong behavior based on mere snippets of sometimes-familiarity with the friends of one's own daughter.

 

That he once wanted to purchase something at a store, for a 13yo friend of a daughter who wasn't able/allowed to buy it herself is not incriminating.

 

Furthermore, if this guy was the prince of sex-with-teens, he wouldn't give a sh*t about those friends of the daughters as they aged alongside the daughter. He would instead leap-frog to new circles of teenagers and demonstrate steady draw toward them.

 

A doctor being asked about STD's and STD treatment? That is just appalling !!! W.T.F. else should somebody ask???

 

Maybe they should wait near the front doors of their homes on the chance that some STD clinician might come round, door to door, merely for that purpose alone.

 

Teenagers aren't stupid - if the guy was particularly "creepy" (which is the buzzword of the 2000's) ... then the teens would NOT tend to ask him anything which would dare draw his mind toward anything sex-related.

 

 

Anyway, to the OP, this latest (er, latest-as-of-when-I-began-this-response) disclosure really makes it understandable that you are attracted to this doctor, and while there are lots of shared small details that some people might not especially like, or even approve of, in your shared offerings, I don't think anybody has enough understanding to say that the relationship couldn't be right for you.

 

Obviously, it has evolved a bit, but it is really OK to be who you are, and even who you've become through the impact of a victimizer back in your own teens.

 

It also stands to reason that the way many other women in this post have bristled about this guy, differs considerably from how anything you have described has affected you independent of this forum.

 

You are not wrong for that...

[me2me2]

Bingo. Yes. The last time I left to go visit my attorney in the divorce without him. He totally freaked out. It's in my son's hometown. He texted the lawyer and told me if I was really with him that I should be able to dictate back to him what he just texted my lawyer. My lawyer was like wtf is going on?

 

I didn't go back that night because that behavior alarmed even my attorney.

 

And that night he said he felt he was dying. He has high blood pressure etc. So I callec 911. Of course he was fine. He was just drunk. He even took pictures w the paramedics. And never even called me to tell me he was okay. He thought it was SO funny that the paramedics loved him and his jokes.

[AVarma]

 

Teenagers aren't stupid - if the guy was particularly "creepy" (which is the buzzword of the 2000's) ... then the teens would NOT tend to ask him anything which would dare draw his mind toward anything sex-related.

 

 

 

Your naivety is appalling.

 

In all seriousness though I don't see anything wrong with a 47 year old man wanting to flirt and more with college girls, its the fact that he flirts with his daughters friends thats creepy. Also the emotional blackmail and abusive behavior.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I personally would be very uncomfortable if my partner was messaging his daughters friends. It's simply inappropriate at best and pedophilia at worst. Especially if he is in a relationship with you, then it also constitutes potential cheating.

 

However, I think it can be hard to call when your self-esteem is low. You said you have experienced abuse personally. I think this has influenced your self-esteem. I have low self-esteem also and it tends to make me feel that another persons faults are my faults or that I don't have a right to feel upset or bothered by something (I think many women feel this way though...as if we have to pretend everything is all good even if it upsets/offends us.)

[Quiet Storm]

I don't think this pedophile debate should even be an issue.

 

He doesn't respect your role as a mother to your son.

 

Seriously. That one thing should be enough for you to end it.

[MissBee]

Bingo. Yes. The last time I left to go visit my attorney in the divorce without him. He totally freaked out. It's in my son's hometown. He texted the lawyer and told me if I was really with him that I should be able to dictate back to him what he just texted my lawyer. My lawyer was like wtf is going on?

 

I didn't go back that night because that behavior alarmed even my attorney.

 

And that night he said he felt he was dying. He has high blood pressure etc. So I callec 911. Of course he was fine. He was just drunk. He even took pictures w the paramedics. And never even called me to tell me he was okay. He thought it was SO funny that the paramedics loved him and his jokes.

 

WTF...

 

Sorry, I'd drop him like a sack of hot potatoes. But I get you're having issues which make you somehow see the inappropriate behavior and excuse it, and like I said, forget him, you need to focus on YOU and fixing whatever problem there is that disallows you from acting with your rational mind.

 

But this man seems like an overgrown, obnoxious, attention seeking child. You are in a PROFESSIONAL meeting with your attorney and he is texting the attorney and dragging him into drama and telling you to dictate to him what he texted your attorney and the attorney no doubt is like what in all fcccuks is this...yea no frickin way I'm with a man who is going to embarrass me in front of others by behaving in such impulsive and absurd ways.

 

Everything you've said about him seems like he absolutely thrives on attention, from feigning heart failure, taking pics with parademics and being happy they love him, telling you about all his kids' friends whom he thinks has a crush on him because he gets off on it, taking young girls to concerts, sending them texts, texting your lawyer nonsense...I mean...sorry but if you are a public figure how can you date a man who behaves this way? It seems to very much have the potential to reflect VERY BADLY on you if your boyfriend or husband is acting like this, potentially texting all kinds of folks you're working with and just being a big nuisance. Surgeon or not, it doesn't mean he doesn't have issues.

 

Look...we've gone beyond red flags. MANY things are red flags here. His disregard for your child and his well being should be enough as QS already said. But if that alone isn't enough pick any of the myriad other things he's doing wrong. All you say is right is chemistry...psshhh...that means diddlysquat, like I said most people in toxic and abusive scenarios got sucked in and stay there because of chemistry, which in these scenarios is one person's issue playing off of the other and it produces a toxic but addictive synergy and isn't the healthy kind of chemistry that you should aspire to.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, Miss Bee -- you are spot on.

 

 

That's me. When I'm not stuck in a romantic trap -- I am so motivated and very successful. But, when I'm in this mess -- I am absolutely worthless. I have put everything and everyone behind him. My focus is on him -- like an addiction.

 

 

I have felt like I have needed to "submit"... and I have been willing to do so.. look what I've done for him.

 

 

I nearly lost my job -- my son -- and everything. And as I type this - I am in terrible withdrawl from him.. and I want those good moments back SO badly. He and I are so good in SO many ways. Chemistry -- off the charts. But, I have a HORRIBLE time seeing him clearly.

 

 

 

This really IS so fair and normal... and it really is natural that you are overwhelmingly attracted to the person you've described, for the reasons implied by a recent post.

 

Everybody who comes to Loveshack with relationship challenges tosses out some little element of minute personal info about the partner of whom they are writing, enough to sway scores of individuals against him or her... but you just haven't described any clear-cut deal-breakers on the scale of what we read at Loveshack every day.

 

 

I do think you would do a great service to yourself if you found a therapist, and leaped your *ss right to the nitty-gritty of your own abuses known as a teenager... and how they mesh with your sexual attractions of today.

 

There are, for example, plenty of adult women now in relationships with much older men, after past histories of having been mistreated by (different) much older men, and because that formed their present-day attractions. Those same adult women would arrive at a forum like this one, and immediately blurt "I'm 25, and my husband is 63...(and we can't decide who should take out the garbage)" and cause these same people to bristle as they always do, without understanding the equation.

 

 

It's just... so normal that you are drawn to this man, and that he just might not be the ideal cup of tea to the random women all around you. And that's OK...

 

If you find that you're doing yourself more harm by staying away from your attraction, than you would by indulging yourself, then it's OK to consider him only from your unique point of view, and not from that of the everyday person who can't even figure out what a pedophile or a pederast is.

[pteromom]

Look...we've gone beyond red flags. MANY things are red flags here. His disregard for your child and his well being should be enough as QS already said. But if that alone isn't enough pick any of the myriad other things he's doing wrong. All you say is right is chemistry...psshhh...that means diddlysquat, like I said most people in toxic and abusive scenarios got sucked in and stay there because of chemistry, which in these scenarios is one person's issue playing off of the other and it produces a toxic but addictive synergy and isn't the healthy kind of chemistry that you should aspire to.

 

This is spot on.

 

OP, you say you LOVE him, but what is your definition of love?

 

All the stuff like "chemistry" and passion and sex and butterflies and swooning and feeling light and airy...all that stuff is great. And all that stuff CAN be a part of a wonderful love story.

 

But.. it isn't love.

 

Love is about wanting the best for someone else. Being kind. Being respectful. Being trusting. Liking who someone is. Respecting them. Seeing the best of yourself reflected in their eyes. Supporting each other. Lifting each other up. Making each other feel valued and accepted and cherished.

 

THAT is love.

 

And that is nothing like what you have here.

 

A man who loved you would never ask you to leave your son. He would know that leaving your son would hurt you. He would know that leaving your son would hurt your son. And he would want the best for you. PERIOD, end of story.

 

That alone proves he isn't capable of loving you.

 

And think about what you really feel for him. Do you like and respect it when he road rages? Do you smile when you think about his temper and anger? In his worst moments, would you be proud to tell someone he is yours? Would you be happy if your son turned out to be just like him?

 

Do you still believe you love him?

 

Because I think he is just really good at manipulating you so you are scared to be without him.

 

Let me tell you the next thing that is going to happen, if you stick to this breaking up thing.

 

He is going to show up at your door with a ring. He is going to ask you to marry him.

 

He is going to expect you to cry and hug him and come to him.

 

But getting engaged will not change who he is.

 

And even if you marry him (which you won't - if you get engaged, the engagement will just drag on and on and on and you will never get married because he gains nothing from that arrangement), it doesn't turn him into a good person.

 

He's not a good person.

 

Don't you want to be with a good person?

 

You need to be strong here and think of yourself. And your son. And your career. And what is best for your future. THIS MAN IS NOT IT.

 

Be strong.

[pteromom]

If you find that you're doing yourself more harm by staying away from your attraction, than you would by indulging yourself, then it's OK to consider him only from your unique point of view, and not from that of the everyday person who can't even figure out what a pedophile or a pederast is.

 

Honestly, who cares what the textbook definition of a pedophile is? Seems like a strange thing to focus on. The relationship with his daughter's friend isn't even on the top of the list of huge red flags this guy is waving.

 

I agree with you that sometimes you have to follow your own instincts and do what is right for you even if everyone else thinks it is wrong.

 

But this isn't one of those times. This guy is manipulative and has major issues. It isn't wise to ignore all the logical reasons to walk away from this relationship because of feelings. Feelings that are likely unhealthy due to the OP's past.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I personally would be very uncomfortable if my partner was messaging his daughters friends. It's simply inappropriate at best and pedophilia at worst.

 

 

 

The daughter, in this case, is TWENTY-years-old !!

[me2me2]

Yes the daughter is 20 now. As is the girl. However, the ex wife's concern started when these girls were 14.

 

 

The daughter, in this case, is TWENTY-years-old !!

[MissBee]

 

Because I think he is just really good at manipulating you so you are scared to be without him.

 

THIS!

 

I think this is what it boils down to.

 

So many people who suffer from issues of self worth or with abusive and ridiculous people hang on claiming love and chemistry, but a large part is their emotions being twisted around because of manipulation, the push and pull and being completely fearful of leaving.

 

Being scared to be without him isn't love, it's just being scared to be without him and it is a reflection of your feelings about yourself usually and your fear that you're not good enough so must tolerate bad behavior from someone who you essentially deem worthier than you. Most people in these toxic scenarios want love and validation from men who cannot give it but it makes them all the more desperate for it and think if this person they deem worthier than them will love them they can finally be whole and worthy or they believe if they can be the one this awful person changes for it will prove their worth and them being special, so they again run themselves ragged trying to find value in these kinds of situation. Yet, ironically the longer they stay is the worse they feel about themselves and the more damaged they become and then the less worthy they feel of being ever able to find someone else so feel even more stuck with this other person because they think no one else will love them especially not now after they've realized they've spent so much time in such a situation.

 

OP, I have a feeling you suffer from some of this. It's very common with women who've been sexually abused that they feel a sense of being damaged goods and being unworthy of a good man so subconsciously avoid them and then try to tell themselves they should be grateful that any man wants them at all so put up with A LOT. This man on the surface seems like a catch mostly because of his status and I think that adds to the situation where you wrongfully think he is worthy because he has a successful career, but a successful career doesn't make him a good man or a good husband or good father. But that seems to be the only thing he has going for him, his money and status but otherwise is a d-bag who uses this same status and money to manipulate you and buy attention.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Honestly, who cares what the textbook definition of a pedophile is?

 

 

Those many here who clearly do now know the definition of the word, should care....

 

 

It's like Global Warming... ever since Al Gore invented Global Warming, the earth has warmed (with hot air) due to so many people repeating his phrase.

 

Since that point in time when Al Gore invented Global Warming, more people have been repeating the word pedophile, and applying it incorrectly, and as a result it only seeeeeeeeems that there are 3000% more pedophiles on this planet (even outside of the church) than there were before Al Gore invented Global Warming.

[MissBee]

The daughter, in this case, is TWENTY-years-old !!

 

Right...but this started when she was 14. His ex left him partly because of that it seems.

 

But like others have suggested, that is the LEAST...it seems you've blinded yourself to every other objectionable facet of this relationship that the OP has brought up.

 

No matter what age your daughter's friend is though 14 or 20, what reason does your bf have for texting around with your daughter's friend and making suggestive remarks??? Sorry is there some planet where this is normal?

 

I can't image my father texting my friends who are adults about how pretty they are and when they're gonna come see him or a boyfriend of mine doing that to my daughter's friend...I mean...I'm laughing at the fact that the inappropriateness of this (regardless of age) seems lost on you.

[pteromom]

Those many here who clearly do now know the definition of the word, should care....

 

 

It's like Global Warming... ever since Al Gore invented Global Warming, the earth has warmed (with hot air) due to so many people repeating his phrase.

 

Since that point in time when Al Gore invented Global Warming, more people have been repeating the word pedophile, and applying it incorrectly, and as a result it only seeeeeeeeems that there are 3000% more pedophiles on this planet (even outside of the church) than there were before Al Gore invented Global Warming.

 

OK... so what does it do for the world if we quit using the term pedophile for married men who pursue 15 year old girls, and instead just call them a**holes?

 

Wrong is wrong, no matter what label you put on it.

 

It's still illegal for a grown man to have sex with a 15 year old girl.

It's still inappropriate for a dad to pursue his daughter's friend.

 

Call it whatever you want.

[MissBee]

I wouldn't classify this man as a pedophile. The pedophile or not pedophile argument is irrelevant but since it's brought up, no he's not a pedophile.

 

However, one need not be a pedophile to engage in inappropriate interactions with minors. One need not be a pedophile to be accuses of sexual harassment. Pedophilia is only one psychiatric reason for inappropriate relationships with minors, sexual offenders and predators are not all pedophiles but they do engage with minors.

 

One need not be a pedophile or convicted sexual offender or predator to have inappropriate and too close for comfort interactions with your daughter's friend, wife's friend, mom's friend, gf's friend, son's friend, your student, your patient, your employee, your babysitter and the list goes on. Multiple women in his life noticed this and the idea that teens wouldn't bite if he was creepy is ridiculous. This man is successful and I think the OP says he is also handsome. An older, successful handsome man who is buying these teenage girls by taking them shopping, to concerts and the rest will seem fun and cool and that's part of the point. Sexual offenders often groom their victims by doing this and sorry there is no creep alert that immediately goes off. If you think there is...please read up on all the stories of teenage girls who get groomed by older men. They aren't all gross looking ugly guys who are jacking off to them so the girls can spot them as creepy and run, but also men who seem very nice, fun, cool and are attractive so when they finally move in on them the girls may very well have a crush too and think it's okay, even though they are 15 and this man is their dad's age. Or they may think it is kind of weird but are also confused because the guy is otherwise nice and hasn't done anything obvious, the huge power differential is also the problem as a 14 year old girl interacting with a man who is in his 40s and who has been doing nice things for her and is her friend's dad, if and when he does move in on her she may not know how to respond or may feel indebted to him (shoot, girls feel like that with guys their own age many times where they think if he tries to have sex they should do it because he has been nice or spent money on her). Or will feel like he is a well respected surgeon and older and her friend's dad so who will believe her if she says he's been inappropriate. This is why all of this is inappropriate.

 

Inappropriate is inappropriate even if not pedophilia or illegal. I don't know if this man has sexual thoughts about these girls but his behavior is inappropriate and is only one of many other inappropriate behaviors he seems to engage in.

[me2me2]

Yes -- well definition of love is very questionable here, isn't it?

 

 

I see that. Since I've moved back to my hometown and have been working -- I have stayed with my gay hairdresser. But, I've also gone to spend a lot of time with my son and my ex has been very nice to me.

 

 

I think while it's great that I feel he's being nice -- I also recognize that I feel SO much more for my boyfriend/fiancé than my ex when it comes to attraction and chemistry.

 

 

However, my ex is a much better *person*. I can see this now. He was horrible in a lot of ways -- but he would never chase young girls -- or threaten anyone.

 

 

(My BF threated my ex once) He grabbed the phone out of my hand and told my ex he was going to "f him up"...because my ex was bothering me. In the heat of it -- it seemed he was my knight and shining armor. But, now -- I see it was just more evidence of his irrational and violent behavior.

 

 

He's a tough man and that's how he gets his way a lot -- I am trying to see it big picture to stay strong. He once told me a story about how his ex thought he was going to get arrested because he was so angry over a problem with his airline. That's not good...But,he also has a very caring - honest side. He is very black and white.

 

 

I am very laid back when it comes to problems or issues and I think I always dodge confrontation in my personal life --as you see here.

 

 

But -- yes -- his jealousy over my son...should be the BIG HUGE red flag. I agree!

 

 

 

 

This is spot on.

 

OP, you say you LOVE him, but what is your definition of love?

 

All the stuff like "chemistry" and passion and sex and butterflies and swooning and feeling light and airy...all that stuff is great. And all that stuff CAN be a part of a wonderful love story.

 

But.. it isn't love.

 

Love is about wanting the best for someone else. Being kind. Being respectful. Being trusting. Liking who someone is. Respecting them. Seeing the best of yourself reflected in their eyes. Supporting each other. Lifting each other up. Making each other feel valued and accepted and cherished.

 

THAT is love.

 

And that is nothing like what you have here.

 

A man who loved you would never ask you to leave your son. He would know that leaving your son would hurt you. He would know that leaving your son would hurt your son. And he would want the best for you. PERIOD, end of story.

 

That alone proves he isn't capable of loving you.

 

And think about what you really feel for him. Do you like and respect it when he road rages? Do you smile when you think about his temper and anger? In his worst moments, would you be proud to tell someone he is yours? Would you be happy if your son turned out to be just like him?

 

Do you still believe you love him?

 

Because I think he is just really good at manipulating you so you are scared to be without him.

 

Let me tell you the next thing that is going to happen, if you stick to this breaking up thing.

 

He is going to show up at your door with a ring. He is going to ask you to marry him.

 

He is going to expect you to cry and hug him and come to him.

 

But getting engaged will not change who he is.

 

And even if you marry him (which you won't - if you get engaged, the engagement will just drag on and on and on and you will never get married because he gains nothing from that arrangement), it doesn't turn him into a good person.

 

He's not a good person.

 

Don't you want to be with a good person?

 

You need to be strong here and think of yourself. And your son. And your career. And what is best for your future. THIS MAN IS NOT IT.

 

Be strong.