whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well I don't think he ever had a sex relationship with the girl. But certainly this is suspicious. And yeah... Why is it I'm so attached to this man? Feel so reluctant to leave him permanently ? It doesn't matter. He has boundary issues with young girls. It's totally inappropriate and too sexual that he notices them. Bolded - Maybe some counseling will help you figure it out and help you stay away from him. He is a narcissistic and is great at manipulating and controlling you so he will use everything and anything against you, push your buttons, say what he needs to say to keep you close. And you love him, so you want to believe him and give him the benefit of doubt. There's just too much against him already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yes that's my problem. I get sucked back in and I am having a hard time seeing him in a spiteful way. I want to learn not to love him. I need to see this as bad... And hurtful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Here's one more issue... I just recalled. He's a doctor. But he tells me that his daughters girlfriends call him and ask him about possible stds that they have gotten while in high school. He said he called one of the girls moms to get the girl on antibiotics. I thought that was very bizarre but I am not a doctor... So maybe that's common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yes that is me --this is from my previous marriage. Yes, It's pretty clear I jumped from frying pan into the fire. I met this new man the week after my divorce was final. We moved very quickly.... So you were married 14 years and had an EA.. Is this guy the EA? You said you met him 1 week after being divorced, so I am guessing this is not the EA? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 No. Not the emotional affair guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If he gets arrested he won't be able to take care of you financially. Why are you afraid of being alone? If you indeed make $200K a year (not sure I believe that), you don't need a man to support you so you don't have the excuse many single mothers have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well, we talked about this more last night and he swore nothing ever happened. I believe that's true but he still continues to maintain that the girl's parents have asked him to help pump her up. They have all been close friends for a long time. I guess when you love someone you want to give them every benefit of the doubt. But, it just seems weird to me. He said theres probably "thousands" of text messages and FB messages with her from over the years because she was always with his daughter. I said why not just text your daughter about her whereabouts? Why do you have to text her? He said because sometimes his daughter wouldn't answer. And I went through the girl's FB page last night and saw a picture of the girl on the beach. Her mom said she was washing a car like Paris Hilton. And my BF commented "oh I think she's a lot classier than Paris Hilton". I think he was very flirtatious with her...he probably craved the attention. But I do not think anything ever happened. Is it a deal breaker? Sounds like everyone here says yes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 If this was a nice, pleasant man who you could believe was just going overboard playing "dad" to everyone, then fair enough, but this man isn't particularly nice is he? The last person I would discuss an STD with, is my bff's father... There are loads of reasons, red flags, worrying stuff here, to tell you not to stay with this man, most of them dealbreakers, actually. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I also told him that quiting my 200k a year job... And moving 3 hours from my son... Again... Is the equivalent imo of offering engagement. I said there's no "we will see how it goes... It's commitment from me." I know he's been waiting to pick up this 33k ring and he wants to get engaged. But what I've saud is that I feel (even in perfect circumstances) that he should be willing to put a ring on my hand ... If I'm going to give that up and go back. He said that that statement from me "scared him" and that he shiuldvt have to "buy time" with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Oh for god's sake....I don't know why you're even still discussing engagement, and the possibility of staying with this guy. He sounds like a complete and total nightmare, a sleazeball, and you sound desperate, needy, and easy subject to manipulate, control and subjugate.... Is that really what you want?? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I believe he is very nice to anyone who pays a lot of attention to him. And young girls... Too. He's 47. And we recently ran into a girl he took to a concert. She was 22! He said that her parents are friends too and he didn't have anyone to go with so he asked her. And that at the end of the concert she asked if she could go back home with her parents. It was weird ... But yes I think he could be a "nice guy" but the fact that these girls are asking about their STDs to him? Yes, he's a doctor. But hmmmm If this was a nice, pleasant man who you could believe was just going overboard playing "dad" to everyone, then fair enough, but this man isn't particularly nice is he? The last person I would discuss an STD with, is my bff's father... There are loads of reasons, red flags, worrying stuff here, to tell you not to stay with this man, most of them dealbreakers, actually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well, we talked about this more last night and he swore nothing ever happened. I believe that's true but he still continues to maintain that the girl's parents have asked him to help pump her up. They have all been close friends for a long time. I guess when you love someone you want to give them every benefit of the doubt. But, it just seems weird to me. He said theres probably "thousands" of text messages and FB messages with her from over the years because she was always with his daughter. I said why not just text your daughter about her whereabouts? Why do you have to text her? He said because sometimes his daughter wouldn't answer. And I went through the girl's FB page last night and saw a picture of the girl on the beach. Her mom said she was washing a car like Paris Hilton. And my BF commented "oh I think she's a lot classier than Paris Hilton". I think he was very flirtatious with her...he probably craved the attention. But I do not think anything ever happened. Is it a deal breaker? Sounds like everyone here says yes. Everybody here has told you repeatedly that this guy is a creep, manipulative and lying. At this point what are you looking for, different answers? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 No. I'm just looking for strength I guess... Ending this is not easy. He cried. Begged. Then accused me of sleeping around. Then apologized. Then cried and begged. But the fact that during a fight... He unfriended me on FB and took down our photos? And then said he had pictures of me cheating?! I laughed. He then apologized. But told me last night it's just his way of getting my attention since I'm so difficult. And that if he had those things .. For real .,, he wouldn't still be talking to me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 (Sarcasm Alert) Nooo, it's not a deal-breaker at all! It's very common for Doctors to hide behind their professional persona, and ogle, flirt with and mentally seduce young girls.... it's also extremely common for people like that to blind-side everyone else with PERFECTLY plausible excuses, reasons and explanations for their seedy, lascivious, creepy and downright ugly behaviour. So no, not a deal-breaker, in any way. The way he treats you is completely normal, and this really is how love is meant to be. Like you feel you're balancing on a sheet of glass, on ball-bearings, on top of a spinning platform. Totally normal. I'd say go for it, grab him while he's hot, you've got a real keeper there! presumably that's what you're LOOKING to be told, because every other piece of honest, good, grounded common sense and logical truth, is whizzing over your head ineffectively.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 No. I'm just looking for strength I guess... Ending this is not easy. He cried. Begged. Then accused me of sleeping around. Then apologized. Then cried and begged. But the fact that during a fight... He unfriended me on FB and took down our photos? And then said he had pictures of me cheating?! Yes, that's called Manipulation. I laughed. He then apologized. But told me last night it's just his way of getting my attention since I'm so difficult. No, what he meant was "It's my way of controlling you and it works every time, sucker...." And that if he had those things .. For real .,, he wouldn't still be talking to me So you have all this information about him - FOR REAL - but you're still talking to HIM...? Excuse me, but doesn't anything there strike you as being ever-so-slightly CRAZY - ?!!? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 No. I'm just looking for strength I guess... Ending this is not easy. He cried. Begged. Then accused me of sleeping around. Then apologized. Then cried and begged. But the fact that during a fight... He unfriended me on FB and took down our photos? And then said he had pictures of me cheating?! I laughed. He then apologized. But told me last night it's just his way of getting my attention since I'm so difficult. And that if he had those things .. For real .,, he wouldn't still be talking to me Do you not see how incredibly manipulative this guy is? Read the bold again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I should have added that his behavior towards you should be a glaring warning light that he did in fact harass and behave wildly inappropriately towards his daughters friends. Look at how he manipulates you with his crazy and deranged accusations when he does not get his way. Now think about him doing that to a much less experienced 15 - 22 year old girl. Father figure my azz. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I believe he is very nice to anyone who pays a lot of attention to him. And young girls... Too. He's 47. And we recently ran into a girl he took to a concert. She was 22! He said that her parents are friends too and he didn't have anyone to go with so he asked her. And that at the end of the concert she asked if she could go back home with her parents. It was weird ... But yes I think he could be a "nice guy" but the fact that these girls are asking about their STDs to him? Yes, he's a doctor. But hmmmm He is a slime ball who hankers after young women and you know it, stop denying it. He is also a general surgeon, so if she had to have her appendix removed, then he is your man, but STDs... not his specialty. If she was coming to him for advice re an STD , perhaps he was the one that gave her it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thank you for this .. It really does help. I think I'm so "in it" that I just get lost. I can't even fathom telling him some of the crap he tells me during a fight. Yes he's afrsid that I'm going to leave him .., because I've already snuck out while he's at work before. But he ends up getting me sucked back in. The other thing is he has security cameras in his house and he can see what I'm taking out to the car etc. That's why he is able to figure out when I leave asap. Yes, that's called Manipulation. . No, what he meant was "It's my way of controlling you and it works every time, sucker...." So you have all this information about him - FOR REAL - but you're still talking to HIM...? Excuse me, but doesn't anything there strike you as being ever-so-slightly CRAZY - ?!!? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Thank you for this .. It really does help. I think I'm so "in it" that I just get lost. ..... The other thing is he has security cameras in his house and he can see what I'm taking out to the car etc. That's why he is able to figure out when I leave asap. Then stick some gum over the lenses, or turn the damn things off! jeesh, security my azz...he is a total manipulator!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Getting back to the original core topic: Can you tell us how you discovered the details of his relationship with his daughter's friend? I'm guessing there's no way he personally let you in on some of the more suspicious details, like that the friend was banned from the house or that his ex-wife got jealous. I'm sure his telling of the story would be quite different. But as nearly everyone has said, yes, there's something fishy with that. When you were a teenager did you have any close relationships with any of your friend's fathers? I can't think of one single example of that I've experienced or witnessed in my own life. That dynamic just doesn't happen naturally. As to the broader issue of the direction of your relationship, obviously you have a lot of major doubts and fears about it. (And rightly so). You can't devote yourself fully to a relationship you feel that way about. I think you already know that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I tried watching his interaction with the girl recently at a family dinner. She didn't really talk and made very little eye contact. However, the girl did seem socially awkward -- overall. ... Maybe the girl was quiet and wouldn't give eye contact because something is going on between your fiance and her. You may as well face it this guy has a thing for young teenage girls. There are way too many incidents with him and these young girls. It is completely inappropriate for him to text his friends children the way he does and I doubt seriously they have asked him to help in this way. I think he just wants to marry you to have a beard because he really desires young teenage girls. When I say young I mean between 13 - 17. I think you need to seek therapy to find out why you aren't running for the hills with this guy. The red flags have turned into red sheets with this one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Forgive my ignorance. How is this gas lighting? QUOTE=Satu;6106814]RED FLAG. He's Gaslighting you. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. He's trying to get you to distrust your own thoughts and perceptions, and make you think that 'you're being silly' and imagining things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well he had told me that his ex wife was jealous of the time he spent with the girls etc but never told me the girl was banned from the house. It struck me... But I let it go. Then, recently we were fighting and he had grabbed my phone to read my texts because he said "I looked suspicious " ... So I sid I never grab your phone! Why do you do this to be? He hAnded it to me and I saw the text with the girl. I didn't mention it until I later realized who it belonged to. And there were more on the iPad he had given me. So I bluffed him. I told him I found these texts and said what's going on here? He said nothing. Then got mad and told me I sounded like his ex wife. THEN he told me the details about how his ex accused him. He went and told the girl's parents (with his ex). The parents talked to the girl and said that everything was fine... But that his ex still said the girl was not allowed to be in their house with him and his daughter alone and that she had to be around all the time ..IF the girl was with my BF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I wonder how much the fact that he is a general surgeon plays into this? I have found women can overlook MANY obvious character flaws if the guy has a certain "status" job. And then even wanting to marry this guy? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts