Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[ascendotum]

I believe he is very nice to anyone who pays a lot of attention to him. And young girls... Too.

 

He's 47. And we recently ran into a girl he took to a concert. She was 22! He said that her parents are friends too and he didn't have anyone to go with so he asked her. And that at the end of the concert she asked if she could go back home with her parents.

 

It was weird ... But yes I think he could be a "nice guy" but the fact that these girls are asking about their STDs to him? Yes, he's a doctor. But hmmmm

 

It seems a little strange for him to be going to a concert with some friend's daughter, but then she was obviously fine with going with him and her parents were fine with it so I don't know if you can read too much into that beyond he likes the attention/company of young pretty women. Lots older guys do, but if you are going to quit your job & move for this guy, who's a good earning doctor who like younger women, you might wonder about being ditched for something younger down the line (I guess you can get divorce settlement tho).

 

As for the STD's issue..when I was younger if one of my good friend's dad was a doctor and I hung out at their place a lot, and the dad was a really cool guy then if I thought I may have picked up something I could well ask him some questions. If the dad was a serious/stern/aloof type of guy, no I wouldn't. (I'm a guy btw). In this guy's case if he was extra friendly with his daughter's friends then he could well have been the cool dad, and its possible for one of them to confide in him, but now you say 'girls' plural. If that's the case its getting weird. Sounds like part fantasy for him or cover for him being too chummy with these girls in the guise of him doing his medical role. I think its over the top to say careful this guy's going to get into trouble/arrested, but he's likely doing a Lester Burnham (American Beauty).

[me2me2]

I think there's a lot of truth to this. He makes 300k a year. And he "saves lives" ... The problem is "I" could make close to the money he makes. He has about 750k in retirement and I do NOT! But I lose sight that I don't need him. But he wants me to quit my job so badly ... Move to his city permanently ... Away from my son... And get "whatever job makes you happy".

 

I am drawn to successful men. But I don't ever. EVER accept his money etc. Part of all of our fights come down to the fact that I want my OWN money.

[me2me2]

Wouldn't most women want at least an engagement before moving ... Giving up their job and leaving their 9 year old in the custody of his father?

 

I mean ... Me leaving my son is HUGE. And I may never get him to come with me. The more he stays with dad... And mom's out of town.., the worse it is.

 

So I'm supposed to say okay! I've moved in. I've quit my job. I've left my family. And I'll wait patiently for a commitment from you?!

 

 

 

 

He's trying to get you to distrust your own thoughts and perceptions, and make you think that 'you're being silly' and imagining things.

[evanescentworld]

Wouldn't most women want at least an engagement before moving ... Giving up their job and leaving their 9 year old in the custody of his father?

Most women would "settle" for someone honest, loving, generous, and devoted, and not someone who's maniplative, controlling and devious, with a seemingly sleazy streak.

 

Engagement or no engagement.

 

What the hell would that mean to a deceptive, conniving 'gaslighter', anyway??

[elaine567]

Wouldn't most women want at least an engagement before moving ... Giving up their job and leaving their 9 year old in the custody of his father?

 

I mean ... Me leaving my son is HUGE. And I may never get him to come with me. The more he stays with dad... And mom's out of town.., the worse it is.

 

So I'm supposed to say okay! I've moved in. I've quit my job. I've left my family. And I'll wait patiently for a commitment from you?!

 

Manipulative/abusive men (and he is definitely that) will try and isolate their victim and what better way than for you to move to a strange place, with no job, no son and no family support. YOU will be in a very vulnerable position and he will take advantage of that situation.

He will persuade you to stay at home, why would you need a job? He will provide for you.

Once socially isolated and with little family and few friends around you, the only way is down for you.

[evanescentworld]

me2me2, we get it.

we can see it.

 

Any chance you might also start to 'see the light' and get it?

[CALOVELY]

I think there's a lot of truth to this. He makes 300k a year. And he "saves lives" ... The problem is "I" could make close to the money he makes. He has about 750k in retirement and I do NOT! But I lose sight that I don't need him. But he wants me to quit my job so badly ... Move to his city permanently ... Away from my son... And get "whatever job makes you happy".

 

I am drawn to successful men. But I don't ever. EVER accept his money etc. Part of all of our fights come down to the fact that I want my OWN money.

 

Add bad with money to his red flag list. $300k a year salary and $750k saved is not a good ratio at all. If he intends to maintain his current standard of living in retirement he is far behind the eight ball. You will need your income to support him in retirement unless he takes drastic steps to save more.

[me2me2]

yes, I see it. And I'm sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out what to do about this.

 

He asked me to come home. Today. And then he told me if I want to take the 2 weeks and work ... And then come back. Then he could do that.

 

He just wants an answer. I am not strong. He's texting. Begging me to call him.

 

Should I just email him and give him the forwarding address for my belongings?

 

I know that I get so weak. I want to be with him. But this is not smart on my part. I see this.

 

 

me2me2, we get it.

we can see it.

 

Any chance you might also start to 'see the light' and get it?

[evanescentworld]

Do not give him YOUR address! That leaves you wide open to being stalked, coerced, bullied and convinced to crumble!!

 

Find someone to whom he can forward your stuff - even if it's a neutral address, but do not for pity's sake tell him where you are!

 

Send him this:

 

"This isn't going to work. I will provide you with an address to where you can ship my stuff.

naturally, I will pay you back.

 

Please do not contact me any more.

Stop texting me, as it will do no good, as I am blocking your details on my phone anyway, and deleting all other avenues of contact."

 

And leave it at that!

[insert_name]

I wonder how much the fact that he is a general surgeon plays into this?

 

I have found women can overlook MANY obvious character flaws if the guy has a certain "status" job. And then even wanting to marry this guy?

 

I dont know about that, however the cynical side of me wonders whether this guys game would be more obvious if he were, say, a garbage collector.

[Got it]

Wouldn't most women want at least an engagement before moving ... Giving up their job and leaving their 9 year old in the custody of his father?

 

I mean ... Me leaving my son is HUGE. And I may never get him to come with me. The more he stays with dad... And mom's out of town.., the worse it is.

 

So I'm supposed to say okay! I've moved in. I've quit my job. I've left my family. And I'll wait patiently for a commitment from you?!

 

 

 

 

 

He's trying to get you to distrust your own thoughts and perceptions, and make you think that 'you're being silly' and imagining things.

 

Okay, even withstanding this major concern of inappropriate interest/actions with minors.

 

1. How can you leave your 9 year old for someone you have known less than a year; let alone at all?

 

2. Why would you give up the independence of your own money? Why wouldn't you wait to find a job there that is parable regardless of an engagement or not?

 

3. Why are you even considering making any decisions on such a short time frame?

 

4. Trust your gut. You can just slow things down. Any need to HAVE to make a decision immediately today is just manipulation.

[Got it]

Add bad with money to his red flag list. $300k a year salary and $750k saved is not a good ratio at all. If he intends to maintain his current standard of living in retirement he is far behind the eight ball. You will need your income to support him in retirement unless he takes drastic steps to save more.

 

Okay I think this is really grasping here. Whether or not he has enough for retirement is really not here or there in the equation, is it? We really have no idea about stocks, deferred comp plans, 401K, etc. he may have.

 

And, really, I think there are far more red flags than this. I would argue many don't meet these qualifications.

[CALOVELY]

Okay I think this is really grasping here. Whether or not he has enough for retirement is really not here or there in the equation, is it? We really have no idea about stocks, deferred comp plans, 401K, etc. he may have.

 

And, really, I think there are far more red flags than this. I would argue many don't meet these qualifications.

 

It certainly was not the first thing I mentioned as a red flag on this thread. She seemed enamoured with his income so I pointed out she will be in for a rude awakening if his current savings level continues, based on what she posted. Another wake up call of sorts.

[me2me2]

I just talked to him via phone and he wants to come back every day (3 hours each way) and stay with me this week... Even though I'm working.

 

So he wants to do a daily commute of 6 hours ... Til the end of the week. And he wants to stay with me (I'm at my gay hair dressers apartment) ... He says he wants to make ammends.

 

I feel like I need to tell him not to come. I could not get the courage on the phone to tell him to turn around.

 

Ugh! What is wrong with me?

 

 

Okay, even withstanding this major concern of inappropriate interest/actions with minors.

 

1. How can you leave your 9 year old for someone you have known less than a year; let alone at all?

 

2. Why would you give up the independence of your own money? Why wouldn't you wait to find a job there that is parable regardless of an engagement or not?

 

3. Why are you even considering making any decisions on such a short time frame?

 

4. Trust your gut. You can just slow things down. Any need to HAVE to make a decision immediately today is just manipulation.

[CALOVELY]

I just talked to him via phone and he wants to come back every day (3 hours each way) and stay with me this week... Even though I'm working.

 

So he wants to do a daily commute of 6 hours ... Til the end of the week. And he wants to stay with me (I'm at my gay hair dressers apartment) ... He says he wants to make ammends.

 

I feel like I need to tell him not to come. I could not get the courage on the phone to tell him to turn around.

 

Ugh! What is wrong with me?

 

 

 

Okay, even withstanding this major concern of inappropriate interest/actions with minors.

 

1. How can you leave your 9 year old for someone you have known less than a year; let alone at all?

 

2. Why would you give up the independence of your own money? Why wouldn't you wait to find a job there that is parable regardless of an engagement or not?

 

3. Why are you even considering making any decisions on such a short time frame?

 

4. Trust your gut. You can just slow things down. Any need to HAVE to make a decision immediately today is just manipulation.

 

A six hour commute while working as a surgeon? Is this guy for real?

[me2me2]

Yes. He's often only at hospital 2 hours a day! And he drives back to see me.

 

Like last night he left at 8pm and went arrived at 11pm. He had a drink w me. We argued. And he slept and left at 7am. Now he tells me he is on his way back!

[Rejected Rosebud]

You have told us that your boyfriend is basically a control freak, abusive and to top it all off a pederast. I think you should break up!!!

[CALOVELY]

Yes. He's often only at hospital 2 hours a day! And he drives back to see me.

 

Like last night he left at 8pm and went arrived at 11pm. He had a drink w me. We argued. And he slept and left at 7am. Now he tells me he is on his way back!

 

This relationship ends when you say it does. He only has as much power over you as you allow. You could contact him right now and tell him not to show up but it sounds like you do not want this to end.

[me2me2]

I am crazy. Somehow I am scared of it ending! After all this WHY can't I get the power. I should just send him an email

[Got it]

I just talked to him via phone and he wants to come back every day (3 hours each way) and stay with me this week... Even though I'm working.

 

So he wants to do a daily commute of 6 hours ... Til the end of the week. And he wants to stay with me (I'm at my gay hair dressers apartment) ... He says he wants to make ammends.

 

I feel like I need to tell him not to come. I could not get the courage on the phone to tell him to turn around.

 

Ugh! What is wrong with me?

 

 

 

Okay, even withstanding this major concern of inappropriate interest/actions with minors.

 

1. How can you leave your 9 year old for someone you have known less than a year; let alone at all?

 

2. Why would you give up the independence of your own money? Why wouldn't you wait to find a job there that is parable regardless of an engagement or not?

 

3. Why are you even considering making any decisions on such a short time frame?

 

4. Trust your gut. You can just slow things down. Any need to HAVE to make a decision immediately today is just manipulation.

 

Okay, but how does this address these questions?

 

Who cares what happens in the next week? Why is there even a week timeline on things? Does his love for you expire in a week?

[Got it]

I am crazy. Somehow I am scared of it ending! After all this WHY can't I get the power. I should just send him an email

 

Okay, don't end it. Just tell him you need breathing room. Why not just take a break and let each of you focus on other things. There is no more urgency on this than you two are desiring to include.

 

Why are you feeling so urgent to make a do or die decision right now?

 

You have a child, a career, why not spend a few days focusing there and let the emotions die down?

[evanescentworld]

I just talked to him via phone and he wants to come back every day (3 hours each way) and stay with me this week... Even though I'm working.

 

So he wants to do a daily commute of 6 hours ... Til the end of the week. And he wants to stay with me (I'm at my gay hair dressers apartment) ... He says he wants to make ammends.

 

I feel like I need to tell him not to come. I could not get the courage on the phone to tell him to turn around.

 

Ugh! What is wrong with me?

Ok, I'm sorry. This could get me an infraction, or even banned for good...

 

You bloody idiot.

What the hell is wrong with you??

 

You really DO need your head examined, you know that...?

 

I don't know what the hell you are playing at, but you are seriously beginning to get on my nerves, here....

 

OK, look - Are you with your gay friend now?

 

Then get HIM to call your EX (!!) and tell him to please not bother coming all that way because he will be denied access.

 

In the deepest, hunkiest sexiest voice he can muster.

 

And then hang up, and do NOT leave that apartment until you know, for sure, he is nowhere near you!!

[me2me2]

I just Emailed him and asked him not to come this week and give me time to think ...and think hard about everything.

 

I haven't gotten a response yet. But I think he will probably blow up again.

 

Maybe he will just finally go away. But, I did not feel happy that he was here last night and that means all of you are really helping me. So thank you!

[me2me2]

Yes. He has put deadlines on things. I've left and he has said if you aren't bagk by a certain time... It's over. He sets deadlines. and now he says I can work through Friday but he wants to stay with me and do that commute every day because he misses me

 

 

Okay, but how does this address these questions?

 

Who cares what happens in the next week? Why is there even a week timeline on things? Does his love for you expire in a week?

[CALOVELY]

I just Emailed him and asked him not to come this week and give me time to think ...and think hard about everything.

 

I haven't gotten a response yet. But I think he will probably blow up again.

 

Maybe he will just finally go away. But, I did not feel happy that he was here last night and that means all of you are really helping me. So thank you!

 

You know that he will not go away. You are going to have to deal with this head on, not via email or other conflict avoidant ways. You need to call him and clearly state that the relationship is over, do not contact you again, delete his information and stick to it. Provided of course that is what you want. As for your stuff, movers are there for a reason. There is zero reason why he would need your new address or any other details. Over is over, again provided you want this drama to end.