CarrieT Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I am confused because in your post from May 2014 you refer to having two children with your ex-husband Good catch. Here is that post where the OP has two elementary school children. What-the-???? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I have only one child. Awhile back I was worried that my ex was reading and would recognize my story. So I changed some of the specifics. But I have only one child. He's 9. and yes he should be my priority. My therapy today did not help. Thr woman suggested that my boyfriend was threatened by my ex and that's why he acted this way. QUOTE=tippydog90;6113103]I am confused because in your post from May 2014 you refer to having two children with your ex-husband, but in this post you just refer to your son. Do you have one or two children with your ex? Regardless, I am finding it extremely difficult to believe that you could even consider just packing up and moving three hours away from your child(ren) for ANY man, much less the one you describe. Your priorities are way, way off here. Do you have any idea what kind of damage that would do to your child? While I can understand that occasionally parents may have to relocate for important reasons, your reason is NOT important and should not even be a consideration. Your child(ren) needs to come first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tippydog90 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 A "normal" man does not require his girlfriend/wife to have a GPS tracking device turned on at all times, that just completely freaks me out. A normal man does not do most of what this man has done, regardless of how threatened he may or may not feel. Think you need a new therapist. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Well, that's the problem. I think now (since she said this) that I may have ignited his jealousy and paranoia. He felt threatened by my ex and maybe I was too giving. I agree that being stalked or tracked is over top. She said that she could see how it could give him comfort if he had trust issues and if I had nothing to hide... What is my problem? It just wasn't the therapy I needed right now because I feel so lost and vulnerable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Well, that's the problem. I think now (since she said this) that I may have ignited his jealousy and paranoia. He felt threatened by my ex and maybe I was too giving. I agree that being stalked or tracked is over top. She said that she could see how it could give him comfort if he had trust issues and if I had nothing to hide... What is my problem? Your problem is that your therapist doesn't understand the problem. Have you shown her this thread? Does she know the full extent of your experiences? If she does - she's seriously skewed in her feedback. It just wasn't the therapy I needed right now because I feel so lost and vulnerable. Then empower yourself ad try following advice, instead of reading everything we give you, then blithely ignoring it all!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Fire your therapist. Find one who has dealt with violence against women and stalkers. Because that is really what you are facing. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 The cycle of emotional abuse... It's so easy to get roped back in. I need strong footing here and this board has helped me tremendously. I am so lucky. Because that therapy just made me feel like I should rethink all of this. She even said... Can you forgive him? (Since I told her he asked for my forgiveness) I am just so lonely. My ex wants me to stay at his place ... Even sleeping w my 9 year old son.. Just so I'm stable. He knows that I struggle staying at a gay man's house. Should I stay there? Fire your therapist. Find one who has dealt with violence against women and stalkers. Because that is really what you are facing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 You are listening to everybody but yourself... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 T I am just so lonely. My ex wants me to stay at his place ... Even sleeping w my 9 year old son.. Just so I'm stable. He knows that I struggle staying at a gay man's house. Should I stay there? Wait, your Ex Husband's or your ExBF's? Clarify your pronouns, please.... Edited - to add: Oh, I get it; your ex-husband. I say no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am listening to everyone but myself? My gut says : I love this man. When things are great. They are amazing. And that's pretty much all the time when I'm with him. If I'm under his watch: no problems. Except when he gets in traffic jams or gets frustrated by customer service ... He flys off the handle. But, we don't really ever argue unless something comes up regarding my son/ex husband. Traveling to see him... Or text messages that I might not share with him etc. That drives him to the looney bin. And when I take off... And shut off my location services... That's what sets him over the edge. I think he can have a violent streak and he clearly wants to stalk my every move. He says it's because I lied to him too much about my whereabouts. My gut says he is playing with fire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think the OP gets off on reading Fifty Shades of Grey. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Are you even reading your own posts? No, you should NOT stay with your ex-husband ...... he is trying to win you back ...... remember when he tried to kiss you the other day? Yes, you should remain NO CONTACT with your boyfriend ...... or is it ex-boyfriend ...... or boyfriend again ...... the drama has me confused. You should seriously make attempts to get your own apartment with the paycheck you have coming next week ...... you need your own place. For now, though it isn't ideal, you should stay with a friend or another family member. If it means residing with your gay best friend than so be it. *MY* best friend is a gay man. When I was building out my current personal training facility a few years ago I stayed with him and his partner for one year until renovations were completed. It was not even close to an optimal situation for me, but I sucked it up. I was 37 years old at that time ...... now I'm 40 and have a beautiful facility as I type these words. Be happy you have a kind enough friend willing to help you out during this difficult situation. You need to be patient, composed, and steadfast towards your goals. If your therapist read this entire thread, she would not be advocating contact with the general surgeon, nor would she feel confident you are safe in his presence. Instead, she would be personally escorting you to night court for provision of a restraining order. In fact, YOU should go back and read (multiple times if necessary) this entire thread. Do you honestly think this man presents a healthy and sustainable life for you and your son? Your rationalizing his abusive and completely inappropriate actions because you are afraid to be alone. Again, that is why you need to go no contact ...... to gain some clarity and begin the healing process. Your son should be FAR more important than this completely derailed and dysfunctional relationship with a man you have known for what ...... a year? Your son is only 9 years old ...... he needs you now ...... but how can you be a good mother to him when you are barely able to take care of yourself? Start making some difficult ...... but, healthy decisions for yourself. It's time to get your life back on track ...... slowly, but surely. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I am listening to everyone but myself? My gut says : I love this man. When things are great. They are amazing. And that's pretty much all the time when I'm with him. If I'm under his watch: no problems. Except when he gets in traffic jams or gets frustrated by customer service ... He flys off the handle. But, we don't really ever argue unless something comes up regarding my son/ex husband. Traveling to see him... Or text messages that I might not share with him etc. That drives him to the looney bin. And when I take off... And shut off my location services... That's what sets him over the edge. I think he can have a violent streak and he clearly wants to stalk my every move. He says it's because I lied to him too much about my whereabouts. My gut says he is playing with fire. But love bombing is what they do in order to get you on board. Once they have you they change. Someone said here, she spent 7 years of her marriage trying in vain to get back that lovely, "perfect" man she fell in love with in the first year they were together, but he just wasn't to be found anywhere. Red flags of a psychopath | 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Do you have any family you could stay with? Aunts? Cousins? Siblings? Women friends? Stay away from guys period, your ex H, ex boyfriend. You do not 'need' a man right now. Only guy you need is your son. Put him first now. Stop thinking so much. Your ex boyfriend is crazy person, YOU KNOW THIS so stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Do you have any family you could stay with? Aunts? Cousins? Siblings? Women friends? Stay away from guys period, your ex H, ex boyfriend. You do not 'need' a man right now. Only guy you need is your son. Put him first now. Stop thinking so much. Your ex boyfriend is crazy person, YOU KNOW THIS so stop trying to convince yourself otherwise. If she still doesn't get it after 18 pages, she ain't going to at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OOTW Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Sounds scary.. He definitely should never be that "friendly" with girls that are his daughter's age. I mean, why should they stop over to see him? They're not his friends, they're his daughter's friends. I find it odd and non-fatherly. If I were you, I'd hit the road. Something is definitely off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 I DO get it... I do. Trust me. And I recognize that I sound insane and dysfunctional. I am just wavering so badly. It's constant "love bombing" from my ex boyfriend now and I'm really working to end the cycle. It's not my weekend, but I took my son for an hour today just to see him. The problem with my ex husband is he is trying to "help" but he wants me to sleep there. And it puts me in a tough situation. I appreciate his support but I am feeling very uneasy about the idea of being back with him. That's what he wants... And I just don't know. When I told him today I wanted my own place, he got very angry ... Now that I've moved back. He wants me to stay with him. For my son? Is that best? Sometimes I feel it is... But mainly because as crazy as I may sound... I truly do recognize that I have enormous fault here. If she still doesn't get it after 18 pages, she ain't going to at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Me2Me2, I was on like 7 anti-depressants before I found one that worked for me. But I stuck to my plan of getting better so I dealt with it. When my old roommate was having issues she went thru 3 therapists before she found a good fit. Just because they have paper on the wall does not mean they are a good therapist or that they are a good fit for you. You need one that deals with people in abusive situations. As to the GPS crap, 2 days ago my BF msgd me and said "I know where you are" I laughed and said of course you do, I've been here 2 months, and he said nope you somehow turned on your location services. He was reminding me that location services could put me at risk and so I turned it off. He was more concerned about my safety than his control. See the difference? In a "normal" relationship I can see the BF having trust issues because you lied about shopping, bills, other men, drinking/drugs, ect...then I can see a therapist counseling you to be more open to the tracking and the wanting an accounting of every moment. This is not a normal relationship. This guy is grooming you to be an abuse victim. google signs of an abusive relationship. You didn't lie to him about going to see other men. You lied to him to go see your son. Why on earth would that even be necessary if you were in a non-abusive relationship?!?!?!? He has cameras to watch you go to your car! You whine that your son is so close to your ExH. Your ExH has gone out of his way to put your son first. You chose another man. Do you really blame your kid for bonding tighter with the person that is providing stability? Want to change that? It will take time and it will take effort, but a boy loves his mom. Be honest. Tell him you screwed up. Tell him you made bad choices. Then tell him you realize how important he is and you are going to make different choices. THEN MAKE DIFFERENT CHOICES! *Block the control freak *Get a new therapist *Get your own place *Tell your ExH that you two are not getting back together but you admire what a great dad he is. Then work at co-parenting with him *Get your son over at your house some. *Work on being single for awhile, learn to not be so afraid of yourself. *Be happy On a side note, can you please stop calling the person that put you up and is dealing with all this your "gay hairdresser" its obvious this man considers you a friend not a "straight customer". I have never once introduced someone as my gay whatever, they are my friend, my co-worker and currently my new roommate. sorry for the side track. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
tippydog90 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 Well perhaps if you wouldn't make it possible for him to "love bomb" you, then doing the right thing would be easier. Everyone on this thread has suggested you change your number, get a restraining order if necessary, stop talking to him, yet you continue to do so and then bring up the love bombing. Just stop ALL contact with him and do the right thing for you and your son. I cannot believe you are even considering leaving your child behind for this man, or any man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I DO get it... I do. Trust me. And I recognize that I sound insane and dysfunctional. I am just wavering so badly. It's constant "love bombing" from my ex boyfriend now and I'm really working to end the cycle. It's not my weekend, but I took my son for an hour today just to see him. The problem with my ex husband is he is trying to "help" but he wants me to sleep there. And it puts me in a tough situation. I appreciate his support but I am feeling very uneasy about the idea of being back with him. That's what he wants... And I just don't know. When I told him today I wanted my own place, he got very angry ... Now that I've moved back. He wants me to stay with him. For my son? Is that best? Sometimes I feel it is... But mainly because as crazy as I may sound... I truly do recognize that I have enormous fault here. But you don't get it ...... you honestly don't. People cannot get "Love Bombed" if they are no contact ...... which is accomplished by blocking whatever individual you are trying to disconnect from. You don't seem to want a complete separation from your boyfriend ...... which only propagates the drama every time you engage him or respond to his relentless pursuits. It gives you a fix, much like a drug addict, so you don't have to feel the pain of withdrawal ...... because you are very much addicted to a person. Though I do wish you well ...... none of us are personally damaged by this outcome, but you and your son very much could be. So, it doesn't matter if any of us "trust" you. You don't even trust yourself as evidenced by the flip flopping day in and day out ...... you claim you're going no contact, but continue to give him access to you. This will only end when you decide for it to end ...... otherwise the roller coaster will never stop. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 When I told him today I wanted my own place, he got very angry ... Now that I've moved back. He wants me to stay with him. You've moved back in with your ex husband? Since when? Weren't you just posting about whether everybody thinks it's ok for you to spend some nights there? Earlier today you were living with the GAY HAIRDRESSER and what is the big deal with the gayness, anyway?? :confused: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 I think she meant back to town. Not back in with ExH. Which for the record I think is a bad idea. She spends WAY to much time doing what men want. It is like she has no will of her own. Let the ExH be mad. It won't kill him. You need to do what is best for you and for your son. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 She spends WAY to much time doing what men want. It is like she has no will of her own. Spot on! I'd like to know what was the longest period of time in her adult life when she didn't have a man in her life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted January 18, 2015 Author Share Posted January 18, 2015 It's true. I don't know how to be on my own. I got married at 23. I'm 39 now and I met my ex boyfriend...asap in divorce. I am very scared to be on my own. Loneliness... And while I don't want my ex husband right now... I can tell you that if he starts dating other women or begins shutting me down... I will panic and want him back. I can feel it. Maybe I should be with him? It seems I am comfortable with him. Although I will tell you I do Not want him physically. We haven't had a decent sex life in 9 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) Don't let fear of being on your own allow you to make another bad decision. You're a grown woman, a mother and it's time for you to live your life for you and your son. NO MEN. You do not 'need' a man to complete you, to entertain you. Get busy! Spend time with your son, your women friends, other family members and you can rely on them to help you out if need be but you really need to learn to be OK on your own. It's okay to feel lonely and alone after a break up. You won't die. You'll grow and become stronger, independent, wiser, and self sufficient. Find a new therapist immediately, the one you have is not helping you in the way you need to be helped. The potential outcome of what your ex H is asking is crazy and NOTHING about it will help you or be good for you. You've bounced from your H to crazy guy and now back to your ex H. And crazy guy is still trying to woo you back in. Edited January 18, 2015 by whichwayisup 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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