me2me2 Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 I understand I deserve major grief here for the information I'm about to disclose, and I actually want to hear the brutal honesty. I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 elementary age kids. I have been on and off miserable in my marriage for at least the last 8 years. My husband is a "man-child" as my therapist describes it. I have remained paralyzed by fear of leaving. At one point he even hurt our child and I still stayed. (therapist called cps on him..at least). I have deep rooted childhood trauma and someone I can't seem to get past it. Over the years I have sought out emotional affairs (in a couple cases physical too)....to try to get myself to LEAVE my husband. I thought that if I got high on someone else, maybe it would help me leave. Well, here I am ...still doing the same thing (definition of insanity)... feeling as if I have fallen for yet another guy....and STILL unable to leave my husband. He actually has improved his behavior but has refused therapy etc. He doesn't beat me or anything...but he is a leach...ruined me financially etc etc. Although, now he is acting more responsibly. We don't have sex etc...and I am not sleeping around now. But, I am in an EA. I just don't know what it will take to get me to see straight! I obviously think I'm going to hell for the horrible life I have been living. I just don't know what to do... I often find that if I end my EA -- I feel safe in "trying again" with my husband. And that will work for a few months...and then he will do something bad again and I will kick myself for repeating this same process. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 My husband is a "man-child" as my therapist describes it. Are you still in IC? I think you know the responses you'll get here. And that probably means you already know what to do. For me, 8 years no progress + hurt child means I'm gone. And you'll need to address your reasons for acting out the way you have or you may find yourself back on the same treadmill. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Share Posted May 29, 2014 Thank you...Mr. Lucky. I think the hardest part of making the decision to leave my husband is the fact that he has moments where he is great... We went through a whole phase where he was NOT there for me... but I told him today that I needed to have sinus surgery in 2 weeks and he said he would be there to hold my hand...that he knows I'm scared. So when those moments happen...I feel terrible about my past indiscretions and the fact that he is improving in some areas. But, recently I told him I wanted to leave my job and take another (involving a paycut and lifestyle change) and his answer was that he would ask his parents (elderly and cancer ridden) if maybe they would support us until I got my income level back up... It is just hard.... I am by no means a perfect person. But I am always kind and I support our family. I'm just tired of carrying ALL the responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 Are you still in IC? You didn't answer this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Share Posted May 29, 2014 Yes I am. However the therapist says that I need to continue learning about co dependence during my therapy instead of talking about him since we have already established the patterns. So I feel like SHE is ready for me to leave him. However she doesn't seem to want to hear about the small improvements he has made. She just feels it doesn't matter unless he gets in serious therapy and shows educational progress. Link to post Share on other sites
bananatree Posted May 29, 2014 Share Posted May 29, 2014 Hi there! I am in a very similar situation. One thing that has been really helpful was for me to start seeing a divorce coach. My divorce coach doesn't really guide me on the nuts and bolts of divorce (like lawyers, support payments, etc..., although she does know about that stuff). Rather, she helps me to take the emotional steps necessary to make this change in my life. Each week she gives me assignments-- a lot of the assignments are based on visualizing what kind of life I want. I speak with her every two weeks and we talk about the different ways I feel blocked and unable to go forward with the divorce I say that I want. In my opinion, it's much more efficient that IC (IC is still helpful, I don't want to bash it). But instead of going around and around about what kind of childhood traumas you experienced, coaching helps you make decisions NOW. It's worth a try... Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Share Posted May 30, 2014 Wow! I had never heard of that! I suppose a divorce coach could really help me figure things out for myself...pretty quickly. I need someone to help me in that way....thank you! I'm going to google that right now! I don't know if you ever had this experience, but this stuff happens to me all the time...where I get real secure in my feelings/decision and then I go home and find my husband making me dinner or being super sweet. I know now that often it's his form of manipulation, but for the life of me, I really see it as kindness most times...and it makes me feel too guilty to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 "my husband is a manchild as my therapist describes it" Sounds like your therapist is an idiot and you should find a new one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 Find a new therapist? Do you really think that? She is Christian and believes in a religious understanding and forgiveness.., She said that my husband was a "manchild" because he wanted to ask his parents to support us (when I asked HIM to help me alleviate all my extra hours and switch jobs). I will say that I have been to a couple of therapists and I think by the end... Most have coached me to stand up for myself and leave. But, therapists have a critical role in our lives... Please tell me what you mean? I certainly want to avoid having blinders on. Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) Divorce coach: more like, paid emotional validation. Business model=keep em talking. Each session gives you fluffy assignments like "visualising". How about ... "file"! Or, tell your H about your affairs and then accord him the respect of basing his actions and responses on the truth, seeing that you seem to wallow in indecision about it. And wallowing you are: the therapists that told you to leave, you no longer see. FFS you have no respect for him ... let him know just how little, and he will make a decision if you won't. You say, he has improved, is more responsible, is there for you now. Your response is ... to dream and wallow and essentially do nothing. In or out, lady. Make a choice and abide. If you can't make a choice, make a choice to be honest. Edited May 31, 2014 by TiredFamilyGuy Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 I think the hardest part of making the decision to leave my husband is the fact that he has moments where he is great... And there it is. DO NOT DEFEND HIM. You aren't there yet and therefore won't be leaving anytime soon until you truely understand that those acts of kindness are about control, not love...about him and absolutely not to benefit you. Huni, I don't know what the magic words or button is but you aren't living. The fact that you are in this situation is probably the result of a vast majority of things. It sounds like your therapist has peeled some layers away but if you haven't gotten off the dime yet there is a lot more work to do....but I don't think that work is going to happen until you peel away that husband layer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author me2me2 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Share Posted May 31, 2014 Yes, I came from a very troubled childhood. I was sexually abused by a married man who went to church with us and I think often that may be why I don't see the right boundaries for myself in my own marriage... I did for 6 years. Never even looked the wrong way. But he tried to manipulate me with a false suicide attempt when I got upset with him and ... From that point on.. It seemed that I lost my ability to see him the same way. He has come SO far from that now .. Or has he? I'm not sure because things will seem so normal and then he will throw a curve ball like when he suggested asking his cancer ridden elderly parents to support us... So I could cut back my hours. (I make well over 6 figures.. They are impoverished.) So I want to see hope for us and as a family... I do. But I guess I get non committal because I have been side swiped many times before. (Once I asked if we could reduce our car payment and he threatened to go buy a scooter and transport our 3 year old at the time on it). It is like dealing with an adult one minute and a rebellious child another.. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted May 31, 2014 Share Posted May 31, 2014 Yes, I came from a very troubled childhood. I was sexually abused by a married man who went to church with us and I think often that may be why I don't see the right boundaries for myself in my own marriage... I did for 6 years. Never even looked the wrong way. But he tried to manipulate me with a false suicide attempt when I got upset with him and ... From that point on.. It seemed that I lost my ability to see him the same way. He has come SO far from that now .. Or has he? I'm not sure because things will seem so normal and then he will throw a curve ball like when he suggested asking his cancer ridden elderly parents to support us... So I could cut back my hours. (I make well over 6 figures.. They are impoverished.) So I want to see hope for us and as a family... I do. But I guess I get non committal because I have been side swiped many times before. (Once I asked if we could reduce our car payment and he threatened to go buy a scooter and transport our 3 year old at the time on it). It is like dealing with an adult one minute and a rebellious child another.. Sure it is....but your sliding boundary line has enabled that behavior as well. Hope is IMHO a very dangerous thing. As much as it can inspire and drive, it can also blind. And when people hope it tends to become an expectation. When expectations are not met is starts another cycle of disappointment, anger and fear because nothing has changed. Bottom line is that hope without change equals either failure or nothing. Stop hoping, start doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 2, 2014 Share Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) I was sexually abused by a married man who went to church with us and I think often that may be why I don't see the right boundaries for myself in my own marriage... I did for 6 years. Never even looked the wrong way. But he tried to manipulate me with a false suicide attempt when I got upset with him and ... From that point on.. It seemed that I lost my ability to see him the same way. You portray your transgressions as reactions to the negative actions of others. Unfortunate as it takes away both your responsibility for the missteps and ability to make positive changes. Tough way to see yourself, you've given away control over the most important parts of your life ... Mr. Lucky Edited June 2, 2014 by Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 What does "hurt our child" mean? I spanked my child and it hurt. Please clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
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