Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?

[eye of the storm]

get a cat or a guinea pig.

 

If you go back to you ExH you will start cheating on him again.

 

You need to find out why you are unable to be a whole person!

 

To be in a healthy relationship you need two WHOLE people. Two people who are able to function apart but CHOOSE to be together. Choose to work towards the same goals. If you have to have someone in your life to be complete, then you have huge issues. Nobody can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself. Nobody can make you whole, you have to do that yourself.

 

You need to go on a no man diet.

Get therapy

Get your own place

Fix you

Fix your relationship with your son

 

Please god stop acting like a victim. You are choosing to put yourself in this position. Choose better. You can do this!

[Got it]

Me2, I have posted this before but what defines you outside of another person? What makes Me2, Me2? You need to date you, find out what she is about without a man telling you or defining you. Focus on your son and on you. Pick up a hobby. Try another one. Get some friends, meet up with people, read a book, volunteer. Spend time with that doesn't involve focusing on the romantic needs of another and address why being alone is so lonely. Why are you afraid of it? You have to face that head on and get through it.

[spiderowl]

I think there's a lot of truth to this. He makes 300k a year. And he "saves lives" ... The problem is "I" could make close to the money he makes. He has about 750k in retirement and I do NOT! But I lose sight that I don't need him. But he wants me to quit my job so badly ... Move to his city permanently ... Away from my son... And get "whatever job makes you happy".

 

I am drawn to successful men. But I don't ever. EVER accept his money etc. Part of all of our fights come down to the fact that I want my OWN money.

 

It's good that you want your own money. What bothers me is this guy is trying to get you to do things that make you more dependent on him and to move away from the people you know and trust. This is what ace manipulators do. With all that's been going on, I would not do that. You do not want to become dependent on someone who may be a dodgy character. It makes you more vulnerable.

[spiderowl]

Yeah -- well, part of the problem is I initially started a trend with him..I'd text him while I was in commercial breaks. tv isn't nearly as glamorous as people think. Anyway, he will expect me to respond to him -- and even start fights or threaten to end our relationship (if I'm not listening to him)...WHILE I'M on the air. Yes, it's commercial when I see it -- but it is very emotional stuff and shouldnt' be done while I'm anywhere close to a TV..

 

 

It's like I would never tell him something upsetting if he was in the hospital. It's just not fair to do...

 

 

So, that's another example that he could care less about things...when it comes to me.

 

 

I told him recently that I nearly started crying on the air the other day and he seemed totally unphased..and just said "join the club..."

 

He certainly knows how to 'push your buttons'! Inspiring strong emotions can be very bonding I understand. It can also make you feel guilty as he makes you responsible for his emotions (implying it's your fault he's upset, hurt, angry, etc.).

 

If you have to sneak away to see your own son, something is terribly wrong!

[MJJean]

Ok, if you want my honest opinion read on. If not, just scroll by because it's not pretty.

 

You are a mother. Whatever may have happened between you and your ex-husband and between you and the psycho creep you were dating, you are a mother. Your child should always come first. Period. End of story.

 

By allowing Psycho-Creep to separate you from your son you set into motion the closeness he feels with his father but not with you. That is your fault for allowing a sociopath to insert himself between you and your own flesh and blood. If you want a relationship with your child you're going to have to get your sh*t straight and cultivate that relationship before you even think of dating anyone.

 

I don't give a bad f*ck what Psycho thinks or how he may have felt threatened. Either your therapist is a piece of human excrement or you didn't explain the whole story to her. The Psycho-Creeper's behavior is NOT even remotely close to normal or sane and has crossed the line into dangerous. He is NOT mentally sound. He should NOT be allowed around women, much less women with children.

 

You are a grown adult woman with a child to raise. Whoever you are dating needs to A) respect you as an adult woman living in a free society and b) absolutely support your relationship with your son as well as a friendly relationship with your sons father.

 

I think you're all wrapped up in this drama because you don't want to deal with the mess you made of your life so you're looking for distraction. You don't have to recognize and handle the business of adult life if you're busy having imaginary crisis after imaginary crisis. And the crisis after crisis? Entirely of your own making. You can stop this bullsh*t at any time and you are choosing not to do so. That's your bad.

 

Grow the hell up and be a mother to your kid or do the decent thing and get out of his life forever. Because, seriously, if you're going to keep perpetuating the drama by maintaining ANY kind of contact with Psycho-Creeper you're unfit to raise a gerbil. Any woman with half a brain and a spine can plainly see that is not the kind of man you allow within 500 ft of a kid. Ever.

 

You moved 3 hours away from your own child when you didn't have to simply because you found some loser that happens to be a good lay and occasionally made you feel nice. Whoopdee-doo. Good screws who'll give you 5 minutes of attention are a dime a dozen. You only have one son.

 

Do you want to miss his childhood? Do you want your own child to barely know you? Or, worse, do you want him to grow up watching what Psycho-Creeper does to you? Do you want him to have any respect for you or do you want him to realize that you don't deserve respect because you won't extract yourself from a bad situation with a man who thinks it's ok to stalk harass, control, and otherwise manipulate women?

Edited January 19, 2015 by MJJean

[me2me2]

I have learned a bit more....and I guess I'd love some feedback. Because I need to know what doing ... For the future. Meaning I don't want to make the same mistake again.

 

My ex BF says that he was constantly suspicious of my relAtiondhip with my ex husband. As you might see in previous posts ... My ex husband wanted to divorce. Have me file for bankruptcy and then get back together. To avoid debt. Now ... We had many other problems. But that was the moment I knew I had to leave.

 

Anyway, my BF said he felt weird about that. Thinking maybe I had wanted to scam him or something. Which is very weird because why would I quit a job and come with him if I had the ability to make 200k a year myself and rebuild after the divorce?

 

Anyway... I have now learned that he had started having me followed last Monday. And yes, that night I stayed at my ex's house because I had no where else to go. I had just moved back to go to work and I stayed on his couch. I wanted a hotel but my BF had cut off all Money. I had no credit cards etc.

 

So he says that's why he was following me and I think he still believes my ex and I were trying to come up with some plan to scam him. And that's crazy cause he isn't a millionaire. He makes 295k a year. I came close to that on my own.

Edited January 19, 2015 by me2me2

[MJJean]

I have learned a bit more....and I guess I'd love some feedback. Because I need to know what doing ... For the future.

 

My ex BF says that he was constantly suspicious of my relAtiondhip with my ex husband. As you might see in previous posts ... My ex husband wanted to divorce. Have me file for bankruptcy and then get back together. To avoid debt. Now ... We had many other problems. But that was the moment I knew I had to leave.

 

Anyway, my BF said he felt weird about that. Thinking maybe I had wanted to scam him or something. Which is very weird because why would I quit a job and come with him if I had the ability to make 200k a year myself and rebuild after the divorce?

 

Anyway... I have now learned that he had started having me followed last Monday. And yes, that night I stayed at my ex's house because I had no where else to go. I had just moved back to go to work and I stayed on his couch. I wanted a hotel but my BF had cut off all Money. I had no credit cards etc.

 

So he says that's why he was following me and I think he still believes my ex and I were trying to come up with some plan to scam him. And that's crazy cause he isn't a millionaire. He makes 295k a year. I came close to that on my own.

 

Ok, what part of this guy is a psycho and not fit to be called human do you not understand? STOP. JUST STOP. His opinion and feelings need to be his problem and have nothing to do with you because you should be having nothing AT ALL to do with him!

 

No, do not get sucked back in with your ex. And no, do not get sucked back in with Psycho-Creeper. Woman up, move on for real in a healthy way, stay single and learn to be on your own for a bit. Then consider dating a sane man sometime in the future.

[elaine567]

I have learned a bit more....and I guess I'd love some feedback. Because I need to know what doing ... For the future.

 

My ex BF says that he was constantly suspicious of my relAtiondhip with my ex husband. As you might see in previous posts ... My ex husband wanted to divorce. Have me file for bankruptcy and then get back together. To avoid debt. Now ... We had many other problems. But that was the moment I knew I had to leave.

 

Anyway, my BF said he felt weird about that. Thinking maybe I had wanted to scam him or something. Which is very weird because why would I quit a job and come with him if I had the ability to make 200k a year myself and rebuild after the divorce?

 

Anyway... I have now learned that he had started having me followed last Monday. And yes, that night I stayed at my ex's house because I had no where else to go. I had just moved back to go to work and I stayed on his couch. I wanted a hotel but my BF had cut off all Money. I had no credit cards etc.

 

So he says that's why he was following me and I think he still believes my ex and I were trying to come up with some plan to scam him. And that's crazy cause he isn't a millionaire. He makes 295k a year. I came close to that on my own.

 

^^^^ and...

Go play with your kid and stop engaging with "the psycho".

[MJJean]

Anyway, my BF said he felt weird about that. Thinking maybe I had wanted to scam him or something. Which is very weird because why would I quit a job and come with him if I had the ability to make 200k a year myself and rebuild after the divorce?

 

Anyway... I have now learned that he had started having me followed last Monday. And yes, that night I stayed at my ex's house because I had no where else to go. I had just moved back to go to work and I stayed on his couch. I wanted a hotel but my BF had cut off all Money. I had no credit cards etc.

So he says that's why he was following me and I think he still believes my ex and I were trying to come up with some plan to scam him. And that's crazy cause he isn't a millionaire. He makes 295k a year. I came close to that on my own.

 

Re-read the bolded parts. There is no reason you should ever be broke. Really. I'm supporting a family of 5 on less than 1/3 what you make. And yet we own our home and both vehicles free and clear, have low debt being paid on time every month, and never go without.

 

Stay gainfully employed and make an appointment with a financial counselor. Also, DO NOT mingle finances! Keep your finances separate and only accessible by YOU!

Edited January 19, 2015 by MJJean

[BlueIris]

I have learned a bit more....and I guess I'd love some feedback. Because I need to know what doing ... For the future. Meaning I don't want to make the same mistake again.

 

My ex BF says that he was constantly suspicious of my relAtiondhip with my ex husband. As you might see in previous posts ... My ex husband wanted to divorce. Have me file for bankruptcy and then get back together. To avoid debt. Now ... We had many other problems. But that was the moment I knew I had to leave.

 

Anyway, my BF said he felt weird about that. Thinking maybe I had wanted to scam him or something. Which is very weird because why would I quit a job and come with him if I had the ability to make 200k a year myself and rebuild after the divorce?

 

Anyway... I have now learned that he had started having me followed last Monday. And yes, that night I stayed at my ex's house because I had no where else to go. I had just moved back to go to work and I stayed on his couch. I wanted a hotel but my BF had cut off all Money. I had no credit cards etc.

 

So he says that's why he was following me and I think he still believes my ex and I were trying to come up with some plan to scam him. And that's crazy cause he isn't a millionaire. He makes 295k a year. I came close to that on my own.

 

So your ex-husband wanted to commit some kind of bankruptcy fraud or something? You make, or could make, over $200k per year but you have no credit cards and no cash. And you previously said that your ex left you with nothing.

 

Personally, I think the drama with these men is secondary to your financial problems. Stop the man drama. Say , "no" to both of them, but more importantly, say "no men" to yourself until you're a sound and self-sufficient individual whose finances are solid and in your control. For 2-3 years, focus on your career, money and finance. Start long-term saving and investment. Learn about this stuff and get good at it. Don't even let yourself date. Once you are supporting yourself and are financially sound, you will NEVER again believe you have no choice but to attach to a man and these dire situations will end.

[me2me2]

Yes, my ex husband basically wanted me to file alone - and then that way he would be able to have clean credit....then, we'd just get back together, I guess? that's what he wanted.

 

 

However, he has really leveled off (I think his family gave him money for the divorce)...and has stopped the attacks. However, when we initially divorced -- he was going for the jugular. He said that he wanted to rake me over the coals. He started telling everyone that I was a whore etc...and as I mentioned here, I'm a public figure. He told my son that I was a liar and that I didn't love him anymore...etc etc. It was very bad.

 

 

So, because he did so much to ruin my reputation -- I worked hard to be civil to him and to calm him down. I realized I got into a relationship quickly with my ex BF -- and he was very aggressive. So, my ex BF would not understand why I was trying to calm the flames -- he thought I should have been meaner and stern with him -- instead of being flexible. So, that's why I think my ex BF started to question my relationship with my EX husband. He was NOT happy.

 

 

I think that's why my EX BF didn't want me to go visit my son -- without him in town. HE always wanted to be there-- make sure that HE was there with me when I picked my son up from his dad's house etc. He wanted to make his presence known.

 

 

The problem is -- when I actually went to my son's town ALONE to visit him for the day -- I didn't have a place to stay. I had moved in with my BF. So, my ex husband had left for the day and while my son and I had stayed away from the house for the most part -- we used that house as "home base" while my ex husband was gone. I guess I should have gotten a hotel room?

 

 

Anyway, my ex BF thought I was cheating with my ex husband because of all of this. And I learned that he hired someone to follow me and to stake out my ex husband's house. And that's where all this went VERY very down hill. Then, on Monday, when I chose to leave my ex bf and go back to work -- my ex BF cut off my credit card and I had no money access. So, of course, I called my EX HUSBAND and explained that I was being followed and that I had no money and that I needed help.

 

 

So, you see where this all developed and why I made the choices I did.

 

 

I am no longer staying with my EX husband. I'm back at my friend's apartment - waiting until I get paid this Friday and can get my own place.

 

 

It's scary and very hard.

[Under The Radar]

Yes, it is scary and hard, but as scary and hard as it is, you cannot rely on your ex husband or your ex boyfriend ...... as that only keeps you codependent and stuck in a vicious cycle of dysfunction.

 

The most valuable commodity we have as human beings is our health ...... both physical and mental. The second most priceless commodity we have is time ...... once time is gone ...... it is gone forever.

 

Use this time NOW to stabilize your mental and physical health for both you and your son. It's ok to rely on friends or family while you stabilize your situation ...... including LS.

 

I think it's great that you have such a good friend to temporarily stay with ...... even though it is far from ideal.

 

Using your next paycheck to acquire an apartment is a fundamental next step in the process of healing and gaining some independence. The apartment can be your home base to continue strategizing a plan for the future ...... and a safe haven ...... to spend some time with your son.

 

You have forgotten what it's like to be independent ...... You were married at 23. You need to walk through some fear here ...... your coping skills and self worth cannot be contingent on having a husband or boyfriend.

 

The man in your life right now should be your 9 year old son.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Training Revelations

[me2me2]

I am struggling tonight. I'm so sorry to come here and sound pathetic -- but it's the truth.

 

 

I miss my BF so much. And it didn't help that my therapist said she could understand why he had trust issues.

 

 

Her argument is that he may have worried that he was just a "rebound" to my ex husband, and that made him even more jealous and skeptical.

 

 

But, I have to remember that doesn't excuse the other behavior...including texting me every minute and freaking out if I don't send pictures of where I am or who I am with...

 

 

That can't be normal. He used to tell me that he would eventually get over it - but that having me alone in my son's hometown ---was just too much for him....he said that he couldn't rest.

 

 

He would also drive 3 hours -- to meet me after work -- at 11pm...to sleep with me and then leave at 7am...to return to HIS city 3 hours away. I think it was his way of monitoring my behavior....

 

 

My problem is that made me feel very loved -because it made me feel very adored and loved.

[Under The Radar]

I am struggling tonight. I'm so sorry to come here and sound pathetic -- but it's the truth.

 

 

I miss my BF so much. And it didn't help that my therapist said she could understand why he had trust issues.

 

 

Her argument is that he may have worried that he was just a "rebound" to my ex husband, and that made him even more jealous and skeptical.

 

 

But, I have to remember that doesn't excuse the other behavior...including texting me every minute and freaking out if I don't send pictures of where I am or who I am with...

 

 

That can't be normal. He used to tell me that he would eventually get over it - but that having me alone in my son's hometown ---was just too much for him....he said that he couldn't rest.

 

 

He would also drive 3 hours -- to meet me after work -- at 11pm...to sleep with me and then leave at 7am...to return to HIS city 3 hours away. I think it was his way of monitoring my behavior....

 

 

My problem is that made me feel very loved -because it made me feel very adored and loved.

 

 

I understand you are in pain and afraid ...... I also understand that you miss your ex-boyfriend ...... but you need to stay strong.

 

Your therapist's advice, if she knows EVERYTHING you have spoken of in this thread, missed the mark ...... she is making things worse ...... not helping you.

 

It doesn't matter why your ex boyfriend has trust or anxiety issues ...... his behavior is completely inappropriate and harmful ...... you need to remember that.

 

The pain from no contact doesn't last forever, but you need to weather the storm.

 

I posted in this thread to try and help ...... I do have empathy for you ...... but there was another reason as well:

 

My parents went through a horrific divorce when I was around your son's age. My mother cheated on my father and he decided to leave. My mother decided to ship me off to live with relatives for the duration of my childhood ...... she never made attempts to talk to me, spend time with me, to love me ...... the men in her life were always more important ...... she has no place in my life to this day.

 

My grandmother became my mother at that young age ...... she died several years ago from cancer. I don't want the relationship with your son to be irreparably damaged or for him to suffer senselessly.

 

Please listen and remain strong for yourself and your son.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Training Revelations

[me2me2]

This is such good advice and I realize it comes with enormous personal perspective. Thank you for telling me this...

 

 

I guess I wonder - if you don't mind I ask -- did your Mom come around at all?

 

 

My current job prevents me from having a lot of contact. Usually only 1 hour at dinner a few times a week and every other weekend -- during the school year.

 

 

Now, while I was living with my boyfriend -- it was just every other weekend.... I will say it's nice right now to at least see him from 6:15 to 8pm ...at least a few times a week.

 

 

Did you see your Mom that much?

 

 

I understand you are in pain and afraid ...... I also understand that you miss your ex-boyfriend ...... but you need to stay strong.

 

Your therapist's advice, if she knows EVERYTHING you have spoken of in this thread, missed the mark ...... she is making things worse ...... not helping you.

 

It doesn't matter why your ex boyfriend has trust or anxiety issues ...... his behavior is completely inappropriate and harmful ...... you need to remember that.

 

The pain from no contact doesn't last forever, but you need to weather the storm.

 

I posted in this thread to try and help ...... I do have empathy for you ...... but there was another reason as well:

 

My parents went through a horrific divorce when I was around your son's age. My mother cheated on my father and he decided to leave. My mother decided to ship me off to live with relatives for the duration of my childhood ...... she never made attempts to talk to me, spend time with me, to love me ...... the men in her life were always more important ...... she has no place in my life to this day.

 

My grandmother became my mother at that young age ...... she died several years ago from cancer. I don't want the relationship with your son to be irreparably damaged or for him to suffer senselessly.

 

Please listen and remain strong for yourself and your son.

[Under The Radar]

This is such good advice and I realize it comes with enormous personal perspective. Thank you for telling me this...

 

 

I guess I wonder - if you don't mind I ask -- did your Mom come around at all?

 

 

My current job prevents me from having a lot of contact. Usually only 1 hour at dinner a few times a week and every other weekend -- during the school year.

 

 

Now, while I was living with my boyfriend -- it was just every other weekend.... I will say it's nice right now to at least see him from 6:15 to 8pm ...at least a few times a week.

 

 

Did you see your Mom that much?

 

I saw my mother very sporadically ...... far less than you describe seeing your son in the above post.

 

However, when I did see her the quality time, attention, and warmth ...... that all children need ...... was not there.

 

As heartbreaking as that was during my childhood ...... I continued to carry that pain with me into adulthood for many years ...... though I am completely healed now.

 

I was extremely fortunate to have other adults, most notably my grandmother, to pick up the ball. It was through her that I was taught, and ultimately experienced, unconditional love ...... I miss her.

 

I mentioned in an earlier post that time is one of our most priceless commodities.

 

I always think long and hard about how I use my time ...... because once it is gone ...... it is gone forever.

 

I can always make more money, but I cannot get back my time.

 

I extend this yardstick to business and my interpersonal relationships ...... it really is that important.

 

I cannot get back my childhood or my grandmother ...... I have only memories.

 

You have an opportunity to rebuild your life and further strengthen the bond with your son ...... to truly create happiness for the two of you ...... one day at a time.

 

You need to love yourself outside of relationships with men ...... external validation through other people ...... and only other people ...... is a very dangerous thing ...... and one of my mother's failings.

 

Consider what I have shared with you here.

 

Many times in life the right thing to do is tremendously difficult ...... which is why so many people choose the easy path ...... despite the damage it causes to them and others.

[me2me2]

So let me ask this...

 

How common is it for a mother to move away from a child by 3 hours... For work because the dad refuses to relocate (even with financial incentive).

 

Even though my ex BF is out of the picture .. I have a great job opportunity 3 hours away and now my ex husband is refusing to consider relocating despite the fact that he would be better off $$$.

 

I guess I wonder if anyone has been through this? What would you do if you lose? Every other weekend... And summers... Doesnt sound like a lot of time for a 9 year old.

[Rejected Rosebud]

get a cat or a guinea pig.

I think that is a really good idea, except I would recommend a rabbit rather than a guinea pig! Cats and rabbits get along great!

 

 

You need to go on a no man diet.

Get therapy

Get your own place

Fix you

Fix your relationship with your son

 

Please god stop acting like a victim. You are choosing to put yourself in this position. Choose better. You can do this!

:bunny:

[eye of the storm]

Me2Me2, Moving 3 hours away from your son for a job, seeing him every other weekend, holidays, and lots in the summer is not uncommon in divorced families. And as long as you go above and beyond in keeping in contact with your son, he will be fine. Skype, facetime, googledocs for homework help....

 

I know parents who are further than 3 hours away that have great relationships with their kids because the kids have learned their parent is only a call away, and the parent makes the effort to show the child that they are a priority.

 

But here is the thing you need to consider, is the time you spend with you son now worth the money you will be making there. Only you can answer that. Right now I am spending way more time away from my kids than I want. But I have a goal and it will not only help me, it will help them and to do that, I had to sacrifice time with them. I am lucky they are practically adults now. I don't think I could/would have made the same choice when they were younger, but I don't know.

 

But, if you move to where your nut job is, are you going to be able to stand on your own two feet and be an independent woman, or are you going to slide back into the doormat who doesn't understand why men keep making her do what she doesn't want to do.

 

Please tell us you are looking for a new therapist.

 

Sending you strength and clarity.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

Her argument is that he may have worried that he was just a "rebound" to my ex husband, and that made him even more jealous and skeptical.

Didn't you tell her that you were dating him a few months before you got your divorce? :confused: Anyway, why are you analyzing that guy?

[MJJean]

Me2Me2, it took me a bit to put it together, but we know each other from another forum! A certain religious answers forum...

 

I think it's important for you to either link your long thread from that forum or give the folks here a brief overview of your former marriage and your ex. The totally boinked relationship you've just left is not an aberration, it's part of a pattern.

[clia]

So let me ask this...

 

How common is it for a mother to move away from a child by 3 hours... For work because the dad refuses to relocate (even with financial incentive).

 

Even though my ex BF is out of the picture .. I have a great job opportunity 3 hours away and now my ex husband is refusing to consider relocating despite the fact that he would be better off $$$.

 

I think it is a terrible idea for you to even consider living in the same city as your ex BF. You should stay where you are, near your child and away from him.

 

The money is better...but so what? You are already making great money, at $200k a year. How much more do you need? Is that worth seeing your child only every other week? I also do not understand at all how you are making $200k a year yet are apparently completely financially dependent on a man who you met last spring. You have no credit cards, no savings, no place to live, nothing to show for all the money you've made. Dealing with why you are in that predicament should be second on your priority list only to your son.

[me2me2]

Yes! Oh my goodness! Thanks for reading this post MjJean!

 

I guess my marriage was similar in some ways. But, to be honest, I look at the situation now and realize that my marriage may have not been THAT bad. I don't know... I believe I caused a lot of our problems in marriage.

 

But, my ex husband still wants me back! In fact, it's so bad that he went through some of the clothes I had stored there .. To do the laundry and found new lingerie and he washed it and told me he was jealous and that HE wanted to see it on me!

 

I mean wow! He is obviously desperate.

 

He has been a very good dad to our son since the divorce. Once I got together w my BF I started going MIA a lot and he watched our son very well. The problem was my ex husband started trashing me to everyone including our son. It's much better now (I hope) but I think that's becagsw he thinks we are broken up.

[MJJean]

Yes! Oh my goodness! Thanks for reading this post MjJean!

 

I guess my marriage was similar in some ways. But, to be honest, I look at the situation now and realize that my marriage may have not been THAT bad. I don't know... I believe I caused a lot of our problems in marriage.

 

But, my ex husband still wants me back! In fact, it's so bad that he went through some of the clothes I had stored there .. To do the laundry and found new lingerie and he washed it and told me he was jealous and that HE wanted to see it on me!

 

I mean wow! He is obviously desperate.

 

He has been a very good dad to our son since the divorce. Once I got together w my BF I started going MIA a lot and he watched our son very well. The problem was my ex husband started trashing me to everyone including our son. It's much better now (I hope) but I think that's becagsw he thinks we are broken up.

 

I would agree some of the problems in your marriage were of your own making, but the thing is that those problems revolved around you allowing your ex to basically siphon off of you, be incredibly irresponsible with money, and act as if he couldn't so much as file his toenails without texting you 9 times. If you'd separated your finances without him having access to the money while allowing him an allowance for groceries and household goods you'd have had less trouble, but you'd still have been in a miserable relationship with a man who wasn't capable of common sense and who had no problem throwing you under a bus so his credit could be sparkly clean.

 

Don't forget about the lawsuits, the landlord drama, the outdoor rock arranging while actual work needed to be done, the bankruptcy while trying to book expensive vacations, the surgery you needed that he screwed up, the wanting to live off parents, etc. etc. etc.

 

You seem to have a habit of picking very damaged men and then making excuses for them until you're literally standing before a bankruptcy judge in the middle of yet another move and trying to figure out what the heck happened.

 

Is your ex now working and self supporting? Please tell me you aren't still letting him have access to your money and credit. The only money he should be getting is the court ordered support and that is all.

 

I'd be really happy if you went to a financial counselor and got into intense psychotherapy. The thing these horrid relationships have in common is you. It might be a big help to figure out why and how to avoid making the same poor decisions in the future.

[me2me2]

You are correct -- and you remember my story even better than I do, MJJean!

 

 

You are right... there were so many times that I put my head in the sand -- just as my ex did.

 

 

The reason I have nothing is because I literally have no credit -- because I did NOT file bankruptcy -- but instead filed divorce. But, my bills are off the charts etc and my ex husband has none.

 

 

When he found out about my new boyfriend and recognized that I REALLY was going through with a divorce -- he turned so angry. His family gave him money and began helping him get sole custody of our son. He knew I had nothing and could not afford to do anything about it.

 

 

I went through nearly 25k in retirement savings (since I have no credit cards) in 2 weeks of legal fees and I still have nothing to show for it. We are still in legal dispute (although now he just wants me back...)

 

 

He knew I had no place to live (no credit approval) and he refused to help me get an apartment. So, that's why I have been staying with a friend/roommate.

 

 

He will be happy to give me a place to live (his place)...but he won't help me get my own place.

 

 

He hated the fact that my ex bf was successful and kept suggesting that he foot all my legal bills etc. It made things very difficult.

 

 

I have to say while I know my Ex BF is very controlling etc -- I think he just got so angry that I kept avoiding telling him details and letting him be involved in every inch of my life. He wanted to run my mediation .... and he always wanted to be present when I visited my son - one on one time with my son...wasn't a problem if I was at his house ...but he was SO scared that my ex husband was going to be involved and he got very jealous.

 

 

Anyway, we all make mistakes -- but I don't know if repairing my marriage is possible. My ex husband is just not a happy person -- but I see him acting much better with me now that he thinks there's hope for the 2 of us. But, when I turn down dinner invitations etc ...I can see that he starts to get angry again.

 

 

And the crazy thing? I'm sure once he writes me off -- I'll want him back again.

 

 

As for the ex BF -- I still miss him very much. And yes, he's still apologizing...but I have been strong.