I wish women would just tell the truth when they are not interested.

[Rejected Rosebud]

She's a very nice girl but she obviously has no interest in doing anything with me.

 

At this point it seems that there isn't any reason to reply to her last message and just leave her alone from now on.

Yay! I think it was well established (by her) that she wasn't interested and didn't have time to spend anyway … like my bf likes to say, moveon.org!

[Imajerk17]

Well, we might tell women that the kind thing for them to do in situations such as these is for them to be straight with us, and that might indeed be true. But it's actually besides the point. A big lesson to learn in situations such as these is that people are "nice" aka conflict-avoidant for THEIR sake, not yours.

 

Some of it is to spare themselves of the potential nasty reaction (going by their past history or what they've observed) of being direct from a guy they hardly know. Some of it is that it "feels bad" to turn someone down so they don't do it.

 

Anyway, accepting that nature about people is kind of zen. If you want direct feedback, get a therapist or a dating coach.

 

Anyway, yes SD, you are right to move on from Busy Girl.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Anela]

Well, we might tell women that the kind thing for them to do in situations such as these is for them to be straight with us, and that might indeed be true. But it's actually besides the point. A big lesson to learn in situations such as these is that people are "nice" aka conflict-avoidant for THEIR sake, not yours.

 

Some of it is to spare themselves of the potential nasty reaction (going by their past history or what they've observed) of being direct from a guy they hardly know. Some of it is that it "feels bad" to turn someone down so they don't do it.

 

Not necessarily. I've kept things to myself before, because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, but I've also learned that in some situations, it's best to get it over with.

 

On the other hand, I made it very clear to one person, that nothing was going to happen between us, and he kept on for two years, off and on. Some people will carry on, regardless of what they've been told. That need to believe overshadows what they're actually being told; I've been there, in a way, which is how I put up with someone I shouldn't have, for so long.

 

Anyway, accepting that nature about people is kind of zen. If you want direct feedback, get a therapist or a dating coach.

 

Anyway, yes SD, you are right to move on from Busy Girl.

[somedude81]

Yay! I think it was well established (by her) that she wasn't interested and didn't have time to spend anyway … like my bf likes to say, moveon.org!

 

Back when school was in session I knew she was too busy to hang out because she worked and went to school etc. Now school is over she doesn't have that excuse, and I can't cling to that reason of why she can't get together.

 

But yes, I'm moving on. I can see that she's just being nice and probably wishes that I'd forget about her.

[Million.to.1]

Back when school was in session I knew she was too busy to hang out because she worked and went to school etc. Now school is over she doesn't have that excuse, and I can't cling to that reason of why she can't get together.

 

But yes, I'm moving on. I can see that she's just being nice and probably wishes that I'd forget about her.

 

I consider you making this statement a real break through for you SD. Awesome.

[somedude81]

I consider you making this statement a real break through for you SD. Awesome.

 

Thanks.

 

But a part of me wishes I could stop having breakthroughs and learning life lessons, and instead just have things go right.

 

The only thing I really learned from interacting with this girl is knowing when to quit.

 

I'm sorry to say that being a better quitter really wasn't my goal.

[Shining One]

The only thing I really learned from interacting with this girl is knowing when to quit.

 

I'm sorry to say that being a better quitter really wasn't my goal.

Knowing when to quit is an important skill to have. Like you, I learned it far later in life than I should have, but my dating experience has improved considerably because of it.

[GemmaUK]

Looking at the content of her messages she never once talked about us going out dancing. Not saying that it's a good idea, or that she'll let me know when she gets back etc. It almost feels like she is now replying to me out of obligation. She's a very nice girl but she obviously has no interest in doing anything with me.

 

At this point it seems that there isn't any reason to reply to her last message and just leave her alone from now on. She may message me one day to go out dancing, but I doubt it.

 

She had already told you months ago that she was too busy to date and then shortly after that she told you that she didn't see you in that way at all.

 

 

You decided not to believe or respect what she said to you for some reason.

 

 

I've met a rare few men who have done the same with me when I have been clear and straight with them yet they continue to ask me out.

Once I have been clear I see no reason to have to keep saying that I'm not interested so I, like Busy Girl will just be polite and avoid the subject of going out altogether so as not to lead him on to thinking I am up for going out with him.

[thefooloftheyear]

Thanks.

 

But a part of me wishes I could stop having breakthroughs and learning life lessons, and instead just have things go right.

 

The only thing I really learned from interacting with this girl is knowing when to quit.

 

I'm sorry to say that being a better quitter really wasn't my goal.

 

There's no shame in moving on....And the faster the better...

 

Believe me(us?)...Its not that difficult...In my experience, women make it very clear early on if the light is green...I dont believe in yellow lights either...If its red-or even pink...then you need to stop..Period..

 

TFY

[elaine567]

I think some would be more successsful if they tried to cultivate more friends and a social cirlce, and did less blocking on social media, and scrubbing numbers off their phone as soon as a person seems not interested in sex or dating them.

As soon as they don't reply within a set timescale, they are binned.

I am not saying I agree with barrages of texts and anyone who is nasty or argumentative needs binned, I agree.

But keeping people on side, may not do any harm, they may invite you to parties and events, they may introduce you to friends etc.

Surely it should all be about networking, rather than just cut and dried, black and white, she/he doesn't want to date me NOW, so block...

[somedude81]

Knowing when to quit is an important skill to have. Like you, I learned it far later in life than I should have, but my dating experience has improved considerably because of it.

 

I think that applies to more than just women for me.

 

She had already told you months ago that she was too busy to date and then shortly after that she told you that she didn't see you in that way at all.

 

 

You decided not to believe or respect what she said to you for some reason.

 

 

I've met a rare few men who have done the same with me when I have been clear and straight with them yet they continue to ask me out.

Once I have been clear I see no reason to have to keep saying that I'm not interested so I, like Busy Girl will just be polite and avoid the subject of going out altogether so as not to lead him on to thinking I am up for going out with him.

 

Wow. Yup that is exactly what she is doing.

 

While I wish that she would just tell me that me that she doesn't want to do anything with me, that is something that comes across pretty harsh unless the words are chosen very carefully. And knowing her, she wouldn't say anything mean like that.

 

I wonder how many guys she's had to do this with. Probably dozens.

[Anela]

Thanks.

 

But a part of me wishes I could stop having breakthroughs and learning life lessons, and instead just have things go right.

 

The only thing I really learned from interacting with this girl is knowing when to quit.

 

I'm sorry to say that being a better quitter really wasn't my goal.

 

This isn't quitting - it's showing respect for her feelings, and having enough self-respect to move on.

[joystickd]

 

WAIT!!!! Hear me out...I promise I'm not insane. I think.

 

Anyway, you need to actual get to know a woman, and put the intent of getting to know her romantically on the backburner. Come on guys, you've been cheated on before, right? Who are the guys that women usually cheat with the most?

 

Their guy friends. Men who probably took the time to get to know them, and presumably didn't bombard or pressure them with dating, at least until they were aware of the problems in your relationship. They got to know these women inside and out in a calm but strong manner. When you and her were having problems, that's when they move in and systematically destroy your image by upping theirs. Being an ear to a woman is great...when you're not putting them on a pedestal.

 

Women tend to enjoy men who they feel truly comfortable with. Since it's an apparent failure to men for a woman to reject them, males have forgotten how to enjoy female company, and come up with a highly varied set of rules to attracting women...which do not work since we are all different people. What works for you may not work for the next person.

 

"But Natsu, won't that land me in the friendzone?" I just heard a guy ask.

 

Fear not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It all depends on whether or not you mind being their friend. Note, being their friends,mean being being friendly for the SAKE of being their friend. You can find a woman attractive and not be so against hanging out with her, and getting to know her. Just don't be her yes man. Have your own life outside of it. By watching her, you learn what she likes, what she doesn't, and you can better gauge whether or not you have a chance at going out with this girl. It saves you a lot of guesswork, and you might have a great friend in the process. Also, this way you can enjoy the moment, which is what dating is about, not trying to LOCK a relationship.

 

All of my fulfilling relationships started out as friendships. Every single one of them happened after 6 months or more of being friends with these women.

 

Remember guys, if a woman says you're a friend, that could mean she isn't interested, but it doesn't mean it'll stay that way. But if she's not beating down your door with clear signals, do not actively pursue a relationship with her, just get to know her.

 

Don't try to sell the friendship thing. For someone that has been in crazy relationships those guys are said to be "friends" not actually friends. The women actually have some level of attraction and usually the guy has an understanding of how to convey certain signals that show interest under the guise of friendship. The truth is most guys can't and they end up friendzoned. That is the reality of it.

[Rejected Rosebud]

While I wish that she would just tell me that me that she doesn't want to do anything with me,

I think she already told you that when she said she was too busy to date. She'd also be too busy (and sorry but probably not interested enough) to pursue a real friendship with you, that takes time and an investment, sometimes when we have a lot going on in our lives it's hard to put the time into the friendships we already have. Friendships need time and nurturing too!

[Rejected Rosebud]

Don't try to sell the friendship thing. For someone that has been in crazy relationships those guys are said to be "friends" not actually friends.

If a guy is interested in a girl and she knows it and says they can just be friends, that doesn't mean that now they are going to become actual friends (unless they were already). That is just a nice way of saying that she will be polite to him and be fine chatting casually with him when they find themselves together in social situations. Not that she is actually going to be going to the mall or lunch or out to see a movie like with true friends.

[somedude81]

I think she already told you that when she said she was too busy to date. She'd also be too busy (and sorry but probably not interested enough) to pursue a real friendship with you, that takes time and an investment, sometimes when we have a lot going on in our lives it's hard to put the time into the friendships we already have. Friendships need time and nurturing too!

 

There's also the fact that I had no interest in just being platonic friends with her, and I'm pretty sure she knows that too. That's why she's done such a good job at keeping me at arms length and only doing things with me when there were other people present.

 

It's just one more thing to learn about women.

 

Personally I find it very hard to walk away from a woman who is still being responsive. Especially one who I was so interested in.

[Anela]

There's also the fact that I had no interest in just being platonic friends with her, and I'm pretty sure she knows that too. That's why she's done such a good job at keeping me at arms length and only doing things with me when there were other people present.

 

It's just one more thing to learn about women.

 

Personally I find it very hard to walk away from a woman who is still being responsive. Especially one who I was so interested in.

 

But your ex wasn't being responsive, and you found it difficult to walk away from her. Lunch Girl - what was different about her? You were interested to a point, and as far as I know, she liked you. I'm not asking why you aren't dating - I just think this is a thing with girls that you're really attracted to.

[somedude81]

But your ex wasn't being responsive, and you found it difficult to walk away from her. Lunch Girl - what was different about her? You were interested to a point, and as far as I know, she liked you. I'm not asking why you aren't dating - I just think this is a thing with girls that you're really attracted to.

 

My ex was a very special case.

 

I have absolutely no idea what was going on with Lunch Girl. I got tired of her flaking on me and I told her to let me know when she wanted to get together. I haven't heard from her in at least a month and I'm pretty sure I never will again.

 

I didn't like her nearly as much as I liked Busy Girl so I don't care if she did a fade on me.

[Weezy1973]

Personally I find it very hard to walk away from a woman who is still being responsive. Especially one who I was so interested in.

 

It is hard, but it's also necessary. Wasting time on women that aren't interested in you is akin to women wasting time on men that won't commit.

 

Regardless of how attracted you might be, it's best to just move on. Which is why I'm all for being as straightforward as possible when asking someone out on a date. Make your intentions completely known.

 

"Hey Random Girl, I really like you and would like to take you out on a date. Are you free this weekend sometime?"

 

Take out all the ambiguity.

[elaine567]

I am presuming "Busy girl" was named so, because she was never available to go out, being "busy" all the time, am I right?

 

So why get emotionally involved with her?

If someone doesn't want to go out with you, then you have to believe them, not make up stuff in your head about them.

It is obvious that anyone who is interested, makes that interest pretty plain. Saying they are busy all the time, isn't showing interest.

 

Of course, if someone was really busy AND interested, then they would text or call you all the time or try to fit you in, around their schedule.

[autumnnight]

I find it very hard to walk away from a woman who is still being responsive.

 

This is a problem a lot of guys have. And the problem is their definition of "responsive." being nice or polite or being willing to be in the same group you are in is NOT "responsive." It's called kindness.

[somedude81]

I am presuming "Busy girl" was named so, because she was never available to go out, being "busy" all the time, am I right?

 

Mostly yes. Though the main reason for that name is that when I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said she was too busy to have one. She's also said that she's too busy to date.

 

So why get emotionally involved with her?

 

Simply put, aside from her being to busy to hang out with me, she's my ideal woman. From what I know of her and my admittedly shallow experience with her, she's everything I want. I can easily imagine what my life would be like if I was dating her for several years.

 

If someone doesn't want to go out with you, then you have to believe them, not make up stuff in your head about them.

It is obvious that anyone who is interested, makes that interest pretty plain. Saying they are busy all the time, isn't showing interest.

 

I know that. But nobody is ever interested in me. So I cling to the hints of interest that I rarely get.

 

I feel that if I waited for a woman to show real interest in me I'd die alone.

 

 

Of course, if someone was really busy AND interested, then they would text or call you all the time or try to fit you in, around their schedule.

 

You're right. But it seems very unlikely that I'll experience that.

[Anela]

My ex was a very special case.

 

I have absolutely no idea what was going on with Lunch Girl. I got tired of her flaking on me and I told her to let me know when she wanted to get together. I haven't heard from her in at least a month and I'm pretty sure I never will again.

 

I didn't like her nearly as much as I liked Busy Girl so I don't care if she did a fade on me.

 

That's what I was getting at: even though she had been responsive to you, you were still thinking about busy girl, who had already told you that she only wanted to be friends.

[Million.to.1]

 

I know that. But nobody is ever interested in me. So I cling to the hints of interest that I rarely get.

 

I feel that if I waited for a woman to show real interest in me I'd die alone.

 

You're right. But it seems very unlikely that I'll experience that.

 

 

I think you are going to have much better luck with dating/woman in general once you are in the work force and have left these "college girl" fantasies behind you.

We have all told you in the past that your success rate is massively restricted due to your age preference and you focusing all of your efforts there. You might want those 19-24 year olds... but they don't want you. Plain and simple.

There are hundreds of woman in their late 20's who want a BF just like you. But you choose to ignore them as options because it's not your ideal.

 

I understand how this negative attitude has arisen in you after your failures, but until you widen your scope on what actually IS available to you, you will always have bad odds.

[elaine567]

I think you are going to have much better luck with dating/woman in general once you are in the work force and have left these "college girl" fantasies behind you.

We have all told you in the past that your success rate is massively restricted due to your age preference and you focusing all of your efforts there. You might want those 19-24 year olds... but they don't want you. Plain and simple.

There are hundreds of woman in their late 20's who want a BF just like you. But you choose to ignore them as options because it's not your ideal.

 

I understand how this negative attitude has arisen in you after your failures, but until you widen your scope on what actually IS available to you, you will always have bad odds.

 

I remember a girl in our year at uni was ~7 years older, we thought she was ancient, a different generation...