I wish women would just tell the truth when they are not interested.

[sillyanswer]

Honestly I can't imagine a woman immediately proposing a specific alternative date if she wasn't available. In my experience women are far too passive for that.

 

I'm sorry that your imagination can't get you there! You'll just have to accept that it does happen. At least, that's my experience with busy-but-actually-interested women.

[CaliGypsy]

SomeDude, yes, I think the interested woman would indicate some kind of counter offer if she wants to date you .

[mammasita]

No it's not always obvious. People can be very push-pull, hot and cold, which creates confusion and frustration for the person on the receiving end. Being BLUNT does save the hassle. "maybe next week" or "let me call you back" could mean yes or it could mean no. Those are perfect examples of the push-pull game, the hot and cold attention that hundreds of LoveShack threads have been created about.

 

If people would just stop playing those stupid mind games with others, dating would be a helluva lot easier and more fun. Why does a guy/gal need be direct? Because that's the adult thing to do, that's why.

 

It's childish to hint around at rejection. All that does is create hurt and confusion and is worse than just saying no. If I like a guy and he strings me along, it's worse to endure that, than to endure a direct "sorry I'm not interested." There's no confusion for me. I don't take it as personally because I have invested nothing.

 

Yet if a guy strings me along for weeks on end, blowing up my cellphone with texts, calling me every night but then hems and haw about meeting up, THAT pisses me off because it's not necessary. Guys who chase and string women along like that are immature and shallow. Period.

I agree with with what you're saying 100%. What I'm saying is that if I'm on the receiving end of a push pull and yes it's obvious they're stringing you along.....how can it not be????? I'm not playing along and moving on because I can only control what I do. It's simple. Don't subject yourself to the BS, save yourself the hassle because the person clearly isn't 100% interested and move on.

[Maleficent]

A rejection is going to be upsetting (in various degrees) whatever you say in my experience, so any excuse could be seen as being lame. Once the person has said no, there's really no stringing along - just the asker not taking the hint. No should be enough, but it's not always the case.

 

Yes rejection sucks but I believe it's possible to do it respectfully. Stringing someone along is not respectful.

If someone doesn't take no for an answer there is no stringing along.

[Imported]

This is how I see it.

 

I ask a girl if she wants to get together on Saturday.

 

Girl who is not interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

Girl who is interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

So how am I supposed to know which one is being honest? What makes things really suck is that sometimes a non-interested girl would even suggest getting together after the exam. And of course something comes up where she can't make it.

 

Just tell me no.

 

"You're a cool guy but I don't like you that way. I'm sorry."

 

 

The end.

 

Not everyone takes rejection well. You try dealing with a girl exploding on you and making you out to be some bad guy when all you did was politely reject her. Not fun.

 

If it's not a yes, it's a no.

 

Your example?

 

Both not interested. If she's interested and you move on because of her not giving you a yes answer, she'll get back to you, put herself back in your attention span when she starts to realize you're moving on. Or she won't. Whatever. Not worth worrying over.

 

If someone likes you and wants to get to know you, they'll want to get to know you. They'll be disappointed that they have an "excuse" and will figure something around that instead of pointing it out to you as why they can't get to know you.

 

I'm not into multi-dating, but unless you're actually dating a girl you should talk to many girls or at the very least not overthink any one girl.

 

I think guys that have problems with "girls not being clear" are guys that have vested too much interest into a girl they don't even really know. It's probably what's shooting them in the foot too.

[Maleficent]

Isn't it pretty obvious when someone is interested or not? Why does anyone really need to be blunt? I know it saves hassle but if I liked a guy and tried to get him to hang out with me and he sort of brushed me off a couple times saying "maybe next week" or "Let me call you back" and he never does. It's quite obvious he's not interested, why does he need to say it? Save face and move on.

 

If it was so obvious all the time, I think this forum would not exist lol

 

And of course if someone is giving you brush off excuses a few time, it's quite obvious he isn't interested and move. This is what most of us do (or at least should).

 

But the thing is, people aren't always obvious like this. Sometimes, they accept to see you. Sometimes, you flirt and they flirt back. Sometimes they do things that make you think they are interested. Their excuse is that 'they don't want to upset us)

 

Hell, a few weeks back a guy accepted to come over for a movie and the day of, he never replied to my email.

He said he accepted my offer because he had trouble saying no.

 

Completely different from someone refusing two or three invitations before you stop asking...

[AD1980]

If I offer to go somewhere she says she can't then it's up to her to make the next move if she's interested..if she doesn't then I assume she's not

 

I never get women but I still don't over pursue..I figure if nothing else I'm keeping my dignity and if I'm getting rejected anyway I'm not gonna push the issue..

 

Though for me it's a moot point as I can't even get numbers they literally fun from me and let their intentions be known pretty clearly lol

[littleblackheart]

Yes rejection sucks but I believe it's possible to do it respectfully. Stringing someone along is not respectful.

If someone doesn't take no for an answer there is no stringing along.

 

Agreed.

 

 

Sometimes the problem is finding the right tone between respectful rejection and plain bluntness (a learned skill, I find), especially when you're being approached out of the blue - putting your message across without ambiguity but without hurting people's feelings. The couple of times I was 'bluntly' honest by just clearly saying I wasn't interested, I definitely didn't get any thanks for it (if only all the guys were like the OP in that respect...) - rather a 'you could have spared my feelings with an excuse' type of reply.

[carhill]

I wish women would just tell the truth when they are not interested.

I think that's a reasonable and healthy wish.

That would remove so much headache that guys have to deal with.

 

Perhaps, though the headache of clear and repeated rejection can gain a certain pain of its own.

 

Also when women go out of their way to think of a convincing excuse about why they can't get together, it makes it really hard for guys to tell when a woman actually has a valid reason.

 

Since it's unknown what's in her mind, I learned to go by actions. If there was no date, then they weren't interested in dating. They might be interested in other things, but that was unknown too. Life is full of unknowns.

 

I've had a few women be very blunt with me that they weren't interested and I greatly appreciated that. I actually thanked them because it was such a relief to hear that from a woman instead of getting the usual runaround.That would remove so much headache that guys have to deal with.

 

Yes, in general I found this to be refreshing as well, even if it did sting a bit emotionally in the moment, but that was my problem, not theirs. That leads into your next statement:

 

Also when women go out of their way to think of a convincing excuse about why they can't get together, it makes it really hard for guys to tell when a woman actually has a valid reason.

 

 

However, one permutation of this was the attention hoover who would feign interest, hoover attention, then with a good read, start 'making excuses' and then drop the bomb later with lines like 'You do understand that I'd never date you', or similar. That kind of 'honesty' after being led on did, over time, harden my heart. Perhaps it needed to be hardened, IDK. Anyway, mostly, I liked honesty in the end, when reflecting on those encounters.

 

Overall, reflecting, women who weren't immediately and substantively interested never became so. Of course, some who weren't and were honest about it did become friends due to shared interests or social interactions. The rest faded into the billions.

 

I'll echo what some other posters mentioned about age being a factor. IME, most of the 'games' were played with people in their 20's. Once entering my thirties, especially mid-30's, and approaching contemporaries, there was rarely any such encounters. Women were, generally, very direct. Still brutal sometimes, but that's an individual personality thing and not a reflection on women in general. As an experiment, try asking out some women in their mid-30's and compare. Those are women your age.

[rester]

I think as people approach their 30s, they learn to appreciate directness and blunt honesty a bit more, and also how to be more direct and bluntly honest. I actually read a couple self-help books on it because I started to realize that I wasn't a very direct person and that I wasn't saying what I really meant or felt. I was too passive and I wanted to change that about myself. Being direct has helped immensely. I've also learned that asking for what you really want and being as direct with that question as possible will get you farther.

 

I think part of somedude's problem is that he's asking out college girls that may just think they're hanging out as friends, because that's what college kids do. He is only hanging out with girls he wants to date, but these girls don't necessarily know that. They're just going along for the ride as friends like most college kids do.

 

He needs to be clear he's asking them out on a date, and I think he'll get clearer rejections.

[sillyanswer]

Honestly I can't imagine a woman immediately proposing a specific alternative date if she wasn't available. In my experience women are far too passive for that.

 

Here's an example: I'm chatting with a woman on Tinder at the moment. Last weekend I asked her out for a specific date one evening this week just ended. She said she couldn't because she was busy. She then told me that she was away on a business trip, and that even though she would be back on Friday she had plans for this weekend too. So I figured that was a "no" but then a minute later (about as fast as she could've typed it) there was another message from her saying she didn't have any business trips planned for next week and that it would be lovely to see me.

 

Maybe the difference is that I'm dating people in their 30s, usually.

[BlueIris]

Girl who is not interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

Girl who is interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

So how am I supposed to know which one is being honest?

 

Ask her when she IS available because you'd like to take her out on a date. Then, if she's blowing you off, she won't ever come up with a day that she's available. She could know that she's not interested or she could be undecided because she doesn't know enough about you.

 

The reasons that I don't tell a man that I'm not interested romantically is because (1) we don't know each other well enough for me to know if I'm interested in him or (2) I don’t know how he’ll react, because I don't know him well enough to know how he reacts to rejection. If I know him already and have a comfortable conversational relationship, he probably can already tell, or it's easier to talk to him candidly.

 

The only time I dated anyone I didn't know pretty well or have a social context for was on OLD, and there I encountered a handful who were very nasty when rejected.

 

SD, try not to let your ego be affected by what a virtual stranger does or says. Until you know someone well, it's only speculation to guess why she might say "no" or not explain. You just can't know why.

[veggirl]

People in general are inclined to take the path of least resistance...to do what is easiest for them. I agree it'd be great if people could just be up front but that's wishful thinking unfortunately. The funny thing is a lot of people who won't just be honest and up front will then whine "omg why can't he/she TAKE THE HINT?"

[BlueIris]

I just thought of another point… why does someone OWE anyone else a response exactly the way the asker wants? That’s kind of presumptuous, that I’m supposed to respond to someone I hardly know in the way he wants me to. I’m not responsible for his feelings, he is. He decided to ask me out, I didn't.

 

I'd prefer that a man who is going to be strongly affected by my response just not ask in the first place, so I don't have some presumed and uninvited responsibility for his feelings.

[somedude81]

Ask her when she IS available because you'd like to take her out on a date. Then, if she's blowing you off, she won't ever come up with a day that she's available. She could know that she's not interested or she could be undecided because she doesn't know enough about you.

 

I think that's the major issue right now. These girls don't know me that well, so they are most likely undecided about me at first. That's why I'm not getting firm yeses that stay a yes. And it may also be why I'm not getting a solid no either.

 

I do like the idea of asking her when she is available, but even then I worry that it's putting too much responsibility on the woman. A young possibly flaky woman.

 

The reasons that I don't tell a man that I'm not interested romantically is because (1) we don't know each other well enough for me to know if I'm interested in him or (2) I don’t know how he’ll react, because I don't know him well enough to know how he reacts to rejection. If I know him already and have a comfortable conversational relationship, he probably can already tell, or it's easier to talk to him candidly.

 

Is it really that common for a guy to have a bad reaction to a rejection? If you've had a few conversations with the guy, shouldn't you be able to tell? I really hope that none of the girls I've asked out recently felt that I was going to blow up at them if they told me no.

 

That's what this forum is for

 

The only time I dated anyone I didn't know pretty well or have a social context for was on OLD, and there I encountered a handful who were very nasty when rejected.

 

How well do you have to know a guy before you dated him?

 

SD, try not to let your ego be affected by what a virtual stranger does or says. Until you know someone well, it's only speculation to guess why she might say "no" or not explain. You just can't know why.

 

This is hard because I'm getting tired of things not working out with women. Recently there are two women that I haven't been able to meet up with, though one of them has a more valid reason why not.

 

At this point I just wish both of them would tell me that they aren't interested. I almost want to ask a girl if she doesn't like me, but that is way too forward and puts her on the spot.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think that's the major issue right now. These girls don't know me that well, so they are most likely undecided about me at first. That's why I'm not getting firm yeses that stay a yes. And it may also be why I'm not getting a solid no either.

 

I do like the idea of asking her when she is available, but even then I worry that it's putting too much responsibility on the woman. A young possibly flaky woman.

 

 

 

Is it really that common for a guy to have a bad reaction to a rejection? If you've had a few conversations with the guy, shouldn't you be able to tell? I really hope that none of the girls I've asked out recently felt that I was going to blow up at them if they told me no.

 

That's what this forum is for

 

 

 

How well do you have to know a guy before you dated him?

 

 

 

This is hard because I'm getting tired of things not working out with women. Recently there are two women that I haven't been able to meet up with, though one of them has a more valid reason why not.

 

At this point I just wish both of them would tell me that they aren't interested. I almost want to ask a girl if she doesn't like me, but that is way too forward and puts her on the spot.

 

You could also just ask them....

 

When you think you are getting jerked around, just flat out ask them what they think of you as a potential relationship partner....

 

I wouldnt do it, but if you really think that lack of initial attention is just that they havent warmed up to you yet(I highly doubt that-its just a lack of interest but they are playing with you )..then you can always try to avoid the dog and pony show and flat out ask them...Put them on the spot and see what happens..

 

TFY

[OwMyEyeball]

That would remove so much headache that guys have to deal with.

 

Also when women go out of their way to think of a convincing excuse about why they can't get together, it makes it really hard for guys to tell when a woman actually has a valid reason.

 

I've had a few women be very blunt with me that they weren't interested and I greatly appreciated that. I actually thanked them because it was such a relief to hear that from a woman instead of getting the usual runaround.

What's causing the headache?

 

How does their indirectness cause you grief?

[SoleMate]

Girl who is not interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

Girl who is interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

No......that is not correct. It's actually like this:

 

Girl who is not interested: "I'm sorry I can't make it. I have to study for an exam."

 

Girl who is interested: "I'm really sorry....I can't make it. I have to study for my <specific> exam which is on Tuesday. But I wish I could! I'm free after Tuesday."

 

Seriously....you think women are offered an opportunity they are seriously interested in and they make not the slightest effort to make it happen? No. Whether it's chances at romance (or sex), jobs, outings, swag, food, travel, entertainment, discounts, fun, goodies, or whatever else, women are just like men.....if they want something, they'll make an effort to achieve it.

 

If absolutely no effort is made to take a man up on his date offer, well then....it's like someone setting up a table at the mall with piles of free fruitcake to give away and a big sign inviting takers. Some passersby will walk over and take a fruitcake. Some may see it and just say "no thanks". But of all the people who really love fruitcake and want one of those free cakes, yes, 99%+ of men and 99%+ of women will walk over and take the offered cake.

 

If the fruitcake proponent addresses people 1 by 1, to the point where they feel socially obligated to respond with respect for the fruitcake offerer's feelings, with "Would you like to take a fruitcake?", then he'll hear one of these responses:

 

"Yes, thanks.....mmmmm, delicious, what a nice treat!"

"No thanks."

"No thanks......I don't care for fruitcake." <--NOTE: It is socially acceptable to not care for fruitcake.

"No thanks.....it looks amazing but my bag is already too heavy."

"No thanks, I'm going out later, can't be carrying that although I'm sure it's amazing."

"No thanks, I can't eat nuts."

"No thanks, I'm trying to cut down."

 

NOTE: Someone who really really loves fruitcake and wants one, but is also allergic to nuts, will say:

 

"Oh I wish I could, but I'm allergic to nuts..........(pause)............do they have nuts? I could have one if there are no nuts. Oh they look so good....Did you bake them yourself.." etc.

[CrystalCastles]

Regardless if you sugarcoat the no or not, you're still going to bruise his ego.

 

If your excuse actually sounds valid, some guys might believe you and then you've just given them false hope that they still have a chance. To me that's a lot worse the telling a guy you aren't interested.

 

If a guy doesn't take no for an answer, do you really think making excuses would work? Those guys you need to directly tell them no, and then ignore them from then on if they keep trying to pursue you. Being friendly and continuing to talk to them is the worst thing you can do.

 

Sorry, I hope I didn't offend.

 

I think its just a personal issue for me. I don't like disappointing people. Guys I've rejected got the hint so I can't say I've had these problems. Also, TFY suggested that women give excuses so they can continue stringing someone along to get attention? Wow, that is so not true. It doesn't make you feel validated- it just makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

I think that bottom line, if a girl doesn't give you a yes, its a no. Usually if a girl likes you, she'll make herself available, she'll do a followup if you suggest a day when she's busy, she'll be proactive about getting a date with you. If you don't see those signs, if a girl just seems very passive and offers excuses, assume she isn't interested and move on. Because she usually is not.

[Maleficent]

I just thought of another point… why does someone OWE anyone else a response exactly the way the asker wants? That’s kind of presumptuous, that I’m supposed to respond to someone I hardly know in the way he wants me to. I’m not responsible for his feelings, he is. He decided to ask me out, I didn't.

 

I'd prefer that a man who is going to be strongly affected by my response just not ask in the first place, so I don't have some presumed and uninvited responsibility for his feelings.

 

It's not as black and white.

 

The issue here is that so many people think this is about 'I asked this random person out once or twice, he/she gave me a lame excuse. How rude and disrespectful'

 

Not sure for everyone else here, but as far as I am concerned, I am talking about people you actually interact with in your daily life for weeks and aren't able to make it obvious between 'interest' and 'no interest' when your intentions are clear. I am talking about the push and pull and flake behaviour so many members on here are making countless threads about.

 

It just seems common decency to me to stop making lame excuses when you know you don't want to date that person anymore.

 

Totally excluding that person you exchanged a few emails with on OkCupid that suddenly stopped you know?

[veggirl]

I just thought of another point… why does someone OWE anyone else a response exactly the way the asker wants? That’s kind of presumptuous, that I’m supposed to respond to someone I hardly know in the way he wants me to. I’m not responsible for his feelings, he is. He decided to ask me out, I didn't.

 

I'd prefer that a man who is going to be strongly affected by my response just not ask in the first place, so I don't have some presumed and uninvited responsibility for his feelings.

 

Nobody OWES anyone anything, but common courtesy is you know...a nice courtesy.

 

You would prefer a guy who is ambivalent about your response to asking you out? So does that go for if you say yes too? you want a guy who's all "meh okay i guess" when you say yes?

[xxoo]

Girl who is interested: "I'm really sorry....I can't make it. I have to study for my <specific> exam which is on Tuesday. But I wish I could! I'm free after Tuesday."

 

This is absolutely correct, especially the "But I wish I could!" part. If there is no enthusiasm for your invitation, the answer is no.

 

It really isn't difficult to discern interest from non-interest. The problem is that people who want to see interest will see glimmers even if the there is no enthusiasm, even if he pushes you away at times, etc. It becomes a matter of having your own expectations. If the level of interest is not clear and consistent, then that isn't good enough for you, and you move on.

[xxoo]

Nobody OWES anyone anything, but common courtesy is you know...a nice courtesy.

 

You would prefer a guy who is ambivalent about your response to asking you out? So does that go for if you say yes too? you want a guy who's all "meh okay i guess" when you say yes?

 

If your personal expectation is clear, consistent, steadily increasing interest, there is no worry about ambivalent people. I'd just grow bored.

 

People who attach to those types may have a personal issue that leads them to try to "win over" the uninterested, rather than being drawn to those clearly interested.

[johan]

I don't remember ever wishing a woman would just have made it clear for me. I think that's because I was almost always playing it safe and wasn't so direct with them. I wasn't making moves I didn't already think were unwelcome. I assumed they weren't so interested.

 

In situations when I was more direct with them, they were also with me.

 

I think having to be told outright would have been more necessary if I wasn't any good at reading their signals. Maybe the ones I was acting interested in could just come out and say it. And maybe the ones who thought I might at some point act interested could just say up front it's no good. And the ones who weren't sure could too. And all the rest as well.

 

It would be an interesting world if all women issued report cards on all guys all the time.

"You're clearly interested. Well, I'm not."

"You seem interested, but I can't be sure. Well, I'm not."

"You don't seem interested, but you might develop some interest at some point. Well, I'm not."

"I was more interested in you yesterday. Not so much today."

"You're growing on me."

 

Guys actually are freaked out by women who do this kind of thing. There are social norms after all.

[somedude81]

This is absolutely correct, especially the "But I wish I could!" part. If there is no enthusiasm for your invitation, the answer is no.

 

It really isn't difficult to discern interest from non-interest. The problem is that people who want to see interest will see glimmers even if the there is no enthusiasm, even if he pushes you away at times, etc. It becomes a matter of having your own expectations. If the level of interest is not clear and consistent, then that isn't good enough for you, and you move on.

 

That's only if a woman is very interested in me, and that it's her personality type to be that outgoing.

 

If a woman is only a somewhat interested in me she wouldn't be that enthusiastic. I'm not expecting girls I don't know that well to be crazy about me. That's not realistic.