New here and need some support [new update]

[Donesharing]

So... nobody knows what his wife's state of mind is but you know exactly why DoneSharing did what she did in telling the W? I certainly don't recall DS saying she wanted to hurt the wife. Hmmm. Seems like quite an assumption, especially when you just pigeonholed most OW right along with it.

 

Right, you can't assume that I was trying to be mean. I just needed off the train, and I needed the truth to be told. Maybe it wasn't the kindest way to get out of the mess, but it was something I felt was important that all three of us know as much of the truth as possible. I was promised a future and I believed him. I had to know the truth if he was full of poo, or if he really intended to leave. That I did for me. I was about to explode inside listening to promises. Plus he had a plane ticket to come here Next Tuesday. I didn't want to see him, but he wasn't going to make the changes needed for us to be moving forward. Just last week he was crying-sobbing, and throwing up, and had to go home from work, because this was so difficult to do (leave her.) He stayed home Friday too. This was all because he was conflicted and it was getting to him. Plus, he knew I had almost no more patience with him appearing as the happily married man, when he promised to make the change. He chickened out, he didn't have the guts to go through with it. Like I said, we went a year without seeing each other, last July to this July. He still said he loved me every single day, and asked me how my day was, never ending text messages. If it wasn't love, it would have gotten old. Anyway, the bottom line is he picked her and threw me under the bus. I would still rather be me than her right now. It really does have to be gut wrenching for her. I don't hate her, and I don't like her. I am indifferent to her. I am mad at him. Anyway, he is the only one that knows the total truth of what he really wanted.

[goodyblue]

And you are correct! No one knows his wife's state of mind, it was a general assumption (just like everyone does on this board when giving advice and just like you are doing by dissecting my statement)

 

Exactly. I really hate that, don't you? Which is why I usually tell posters and will tell OP right now...

 

OP nobody knows your exact situation. You must do what is best for you. Take the advice here that helps and leave the rest. I hope that you can move on from this situation a little smarter, a little more compassionate and with a lot more peace.

 

Chin up.

[beach]

At least now you know!!!

 

You know he didn't intend to leave his marriage.

 

You've allowed him to waste your time and energy on his illusion.

 

I hope you can realize it's over and move forward taking care of your best interest. Which includes blocking him from every means of contacting you!

[Donesharing]

Exactly. I really hate that, don't you? Which is why I usually tell posters and will tell OP right now...

 

OP nobody knows your exact situation. You must do what is best for you. Take the advice here that helps and leave the rest. I hope that you can move on from this situation a little smarter, a little more compassionate and with a lot more peace.

 

Chin up.

 

Thanks. Great advice.

[Pinklotus]

Forget him. Forget her. Forget them. Focus on yourself. And do not allow him to contact you in any way, shape, or form. There's nothing else to discuss!

[Donesharing]

At least now you know!!!

 

You know he didn't intend to leave his marriage.

 

You've allowed him to waste your time and energy on his illusion.

 

I hope you can realize it's over and move forward taking care of your best interest. Which includes blocking him from every means of contacting you!

 

I can't believe I waited for him, like a fool. I told him about a month ago I was going to explore my options and join an online dating site. He was hurt by that and asked me not to. Anyway, better 2 years than 5 or 10.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I only contacted her twice, once on Sept 13 and Sept 21. If I said three times, I don't know why. My head is a little confused. But, I just looked at the FB messages and that is the only way I contacted her. It was only twice. I think the first time he was able to tell her I was just a crazy woman. But, the second one I gave her the timelines and where, Las vegas on such and such date, etc...I think that is the only reason that all the crap hit the fan for him yesterday. Because, he was able to pacify her somewhat and still tell me that he never used me and I am wrong about that, etc. They did contact me yesterday, so that would be the third contact, but I didn't initiate it and it was via his text phone. And like I said the way things were worded and the speed of replies, and the anger in those texts tell me that he wasn't alone doing the texting. I didn't think so at the moment, but reading it back the questions were things he wouldn't have said or asked me. Like saying "What did I promise you?" "What exactly did I promise you?" 6 times that question came up. "How could you believe that I was ever going to leave her? " 'How could you not know that I am a compulsive liar" "Do you love me?" "If I get divorced will you be there for me?" She had to be involved in that text. Anyway, I need to let it go now. I feel pretty good today and very free. I am just looking at all the things I have neglected in my own life. The entire A was weighing me down. I really do feel like I got off the train.

 

I agree that it sounds like she took over the texting.

[Lovemesomehim]

Exactly. I really hate that, don't you? Which is why I usually tell posters and will tell OP right now...

 

OP nobody knows your exact situation. You must do what is best for you. Take the advice here that helps and leave the rest. I hope that you can move on from this situation a little smarter, a little more compassionate and with a lot more peace.

 

Chin up.[/quote

 

 

But you're still making assumptions Goodyblue as to what she should do...(rather slyly I might add)

 

 

But my apologies to the poster for hijacking this post with "assumptions"

[Donesharing]

I agree that it sounds like she took over the texting.

 

I think so too. One other thing he/she said in the text, "Don't you know if they do it with you, they will do it to you?"

 

He wouldn't say that. And when he said, "you actively went after a married man." He knows that he actively went after me. The tone was hateful. He has never once been mean to me, even when I am upset he has always been apologetic and kind. Anyway, it makes no difference. It's over for me. For them it is just beginning. That has to be miserable. It will always be an issue for them. I can't imagine how hard it will be to get past the betrayal. I don't know how marriages survive this kind of stuff. I think I would have to leave, just because I would hate to have to imagine my husband with another woman. Unless you were married to someone for money and not love, then doubt it would be a big deal.

[Donesharing]

Don't be naive, the wife knows whom her husband is, but you DON'T know at all.

 

Plus, your so-called "relationship" with this MM was only happening mostly on a cellphone TEXT? over 2 years, which is quite different from the cases here in this board.

 

 

we have talked for 10 years, spent time together 10 years ago, and have always been in touch. The last two years is when it was phyiscal, except for the one time ten years ago. All the times he did come out here, we spent a week alone together. You can't say that my relationship with him is less than anyone elses on here. Yes, it was long distance, but it was still real. And spending a week alone together many times is a time to really talk and be together in every way. Anyway, this is my relationship and I knew exactly how it went. We talked all the time, but texting was non-stop. Didn't matter if he was with her or not, he always replied and always reached out to me. You can't tell me that he didn't love me. You aren't me or him. Really. Made sure to spend his birthday with me and my birthday with me. Anyway, I don't need to defend this.

[Mount]

I could be mis-reading, as you wrote "Like I said, we went a year without seeing each other, last July to this July."

 

Anyway my point is , do not contact the BS as you are helping them to bond more to have you as a target to get rid of.

 

we have talked for 10 years, spent time together 10 years ago, and have always been in touch. The last two years is when it was phyiscal, except for the one time ten years ago. All the times he did come out here, we spent a week alone together. You can't say that my relationship with him is less than anyone elses on here. Yes, it was long distance, but it was still real. And spending a week alone together many times is a time to really talk and be together in every way. Anyway, this is my relationship and I knew exactly how it went. We talked all the time, but texting was non-stop. Didn't matter if he was with her or not, he always replied and always reached out to me. You can't tell me that he didn't love me. You aren't me or him. Really. Made sure to spend his birthday with me and my birthday with me. Anyway, I don't need to defend this.

[Donesharing]

I could be mis-reading, as you wrote "Like I said, we went a year without seeing each other, last July to this July."

 

Anyway my point is , do not contact the BS as you are helping them to bond more to have you as a target to get rid of.

 

Yes we did go an entire year without seeing each other. But, before and after that year we have spent time, at least every three months. Last one was about 6 weeks ago, next one was to be next week and then he planned on me coming out there, and then him here the week before Thanksgiving. But, july to july was a nightmare of waiting. Anyway, it doesn't matter any more. He chose her.

[Quiet Storm]

I think many MM do genuinely love the OW. It's just that the love is conditional, and contingent on the wife "not knowing". Once discovered, the relationship with OW often turns from a benefit into liability, in MM's eyes. It is no longer a connection that brings him passion and joy, it is a connection that has the ability to destroy the things he values most. This doesn't negate the intensity of the feelings at that time, but it changes the way he views it.

 

People value love differently. For some it is everything and endures, for others, it is trivialized or fleeting, like loving cheesecake or a football team. I know the love is very important to OW, but I think it does OW a disservice to debate "Did he really love me?" or "Does he really love BW?" "He talked to me more than her, so he loved me more." The time that he spent on the affair, and the emotional investment he gave, was all possible because his wife did not know. In his mind, his marriage was protected and safe (as a result of his lies & sneakiness). Once discovered, the consequences ruin his appetite.

 

I know the healing process takes time, but I think it would help OW to heal by switching the thoughts to "He loved me, but not in the way I need him to love me", or "Why do I value his love so much?" Accept that there was love there, but the circumstances do not make for a healthy relationship.

 

With most MM, love isn't what drives their actions or choices. It's difficult for women to grasp this, because our choices are often heavily influenced by our emotions. If we had the ability to turn off the love, we would probably make totally different choices in our lives. Many men can compartmentalize their emotions, and view romantic love as a fun experience, but not an essential part of their lives.

 

I also think many MM do use the wife's emotional state as a manipulation tool- "My wife is so fragile, I can't leave her, she might kill herself, I can't trust her around the kids". Instead of trying to decipher what the truth is, just think about it logically. If MM is exaggerating his wife's emotional state as an excuse to stay, it means the marriage is a priority and he is staying married. If MM is not exaggerating and his wife/family needs him, it also means the marriage is a priority and he's staying married.

 

I know that analyzing and trying to understand are only natural after going through this, but if you can change your mindset from "understanding why he did this" to "accepting that he did this", it will really help you heal more quickly. Fight that urge to wait - for an explanation, for a phone call, for him to change his mind, for him to apologize, etc. Instead, do your best to accept his decision, take care of yourself and heal.

[gia37]

I havent read the whole thread, just the first posts. Losing his children can be very tough, for a man, because a divorcing man often loses his children. If you love him, consider this and dont put pressure on him, just go on with your life, and maintain casual contact. If it is meant to be, he will be yours, but without this pressure and constraints.

[jellybean89]

I think so too. One other thing he/she said in the text, "Don't you know if they do it with you, they will do it to you?"

 

He wouldn't say that. And when he said, "you actively went after a married man." He knows that he actively went after me. The tone was hateful. He has never once been mean to me, even when I am upset he has always been apologetic and kind. Anyway, it makes no difference. It's over for me. For them it is just beginning. That has to be miserable. It will always be an issue for them. I can't imagine how hard it will be to get past the betrayal. I don't know how marriages survive this kind of stuff. I think I would have to leave, just because I would hate to have to imagine my husband with another woman. Unless you were married to someone for money and not love, then doubt it would be a big deal.[/QUOTE]

 

There is no doubt in my mind this MM could be very angry at you...you blew up his world...no more affair and lots of explaining to do to his wife.

 

You keep patronizing BS's with your comments (noted above in bold). Many people do reconcile their marriages. The wife may not have known about you, but you went into the affair KNOWING about her! Yet you didn't leave!

 

This guy is a piece of poop...spending "all" his time texting you instead of being with his kids. Disgusting. How is your relationship with your kids since you were in constant contact with this guy?

 

You can't begin to know what his wife is thinking. He's words of "stopping her from killing herself" in no way implies that she was actually going to commit suicide. I can hear those words from all kinds of couples when a huge betrayal is revealed. Doesn't mean she was "manipulating" the situation. You also said she wouldn't hurt herself cause she had her kids to live for...and then you brought up Robin Williams....you do know he had a daughter, right? He was in such a place mentally that, even though he had a child, he still chose suicide.

 

The best thing for you is to move past this. Learn the lessons and never again get involved with a MM. Do your best to stop analyzing the words texted to you - from whoever. If it helps you to believe the wife sent them, good. Whatever helps you to start a new chapter in your life.

[Donesharing]

[/b]/QUOTE]

 

There is no doubt in my mind this MM could be very angry at you...you blew up his world...no more affair and lots of explaining to do to his wife.

 

You keep patronizing BS's with your comments (noted above in bold). Many people do reconcile their marriages. The wife may not have known about you, but you went into the affair KNOWING about her! Yet you didn't leave!

 

This guy is a piece of poop...spending "all" his time texting you instead of being with his kids. Disgusting. How is your relationship with your kids since you were in constant contact with this guy?

 

You can't begin to know what his wife is thinking. He's words of "stopping her from killing herself" in no way implies that she was actually going to commit suicide. I can hear those words from all kinds of couples when a huge betrayal is revealed. Doesn't mean she was "manipulating" the situation. You also said she wouldn't hurt herself cause she had her kids to live for...and then you brought up Robin Williams....you do know he had a daughter, right? He was in such a place mentally that, even though he had a child, he still chose suicide.

 

The best thing for you is to move past this. Learn the lessons and never again get involved with a MM. Do your best to stop analyzing the words texted to you - from whoever. If it helps you to believe the wife sent them, good. Whatever helps you to start a new chapter in your life.

 

I did leave. I left at least 6 times, and he missed me and begged me back and promised that as soon at the kids all went to college he would leave her. Before Jan 2013, he came to town a few times and I didn't take his calls. He reminded me how I blew him off. But, when I did see him and we started this, I was just out of an engagement that I had planned, wedding plans, invitations etc. I was in a vulnerable place. Sorry, I did believe him. His kids are all away at college. Last one went this fall. That was the timeline he gave me all along.

My kids are adults too, the youngest is 16, and has a social life and school and sports etc. I didn't blow off my kids. Some people can text and do other things. Plus there is a 3 hour time difference so in the evenings her on the West Coast he is asleep on the East Coast and I do have time with my family.

I also have a best friend who was a BS, she stayed. But, it has not been easy for her at all. Her husband told his AP all kinds of stuff about their marriage. But, she decided it was worth fighting for. My mother stayed with my father, but there was also that hurt there, but she stayed anyway. My point is, if it WAS ME I WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME LIVING WITH THAT, I WOULD BE RESENTFUL. iT WOULD TAKE A LOT OF WORK TO KEEP IT TOGETHER.

 

Anyway, I am also only human and was very hurt by him as well. Give me a little bit of slack while I work through this. Thank you. And Robin Williams had a mental illness. And there are plenty of people that threaten suicide to control and manipulate.

[goodyblue]

Exactly. I really hate that, don't you? Which is why I usually tell posters and will tell OP right now...

 

OP nobody knows your exact situation. You must do what is best for you. Take the advice here that helps and leave the rest. I hope that you can move on from this situation a little smarter, a little more compassionate and with a lot more peace.

 

Chin up.[/quote

 

 

But you're still making assumptions Goodyblue as to what she should do...(rather slyly I might add)

 

 

But my apologies to the poster for hijacking this post with "assumptions"

 

I told her my opinion. I did not tell her what to do, I gave advice and she can take it or leave it. I most certainly did not presume to know what she was thinking or what her motives were. Very different.

[Donesharing]

I got a random message from MM. "I need to work on my marriage, and my family. I love my wife, please leave her out of this and stop contacting her. "

 

 

I haven't contacted her again, so what the F?

 

I had to reply.

 

I am not contacting her and I haven't since the time you know about. I am ashamed of myself for trusting you. I am glad I am me and not her."

 

then...I had to add some sarcasm..."So doe this mean you aren't coming out her next week?"

 

He says, "no I am not. never was it is over." then five minutes later,

"I love my wife and that's what I am working on."

 

I didn't respond. I am done, and I am feeling very FREEEEEEEE right now. She is the one that has to live with him. I am doing great today...all of the sudden something clicked. I don't know what. I have been praying.

 

My estranged son called me today and apologized and told me he loved me! God works in amazing ways when you do the right thing.

 

I am so OK today!!!

[whatatangledweb]

It's great your son called

 

Now go and block the mm's phone number and any other way he can contact you. Blocking facebook was not enough. Do it for you please.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I got a random message from MM. "I need to work on my marriage, and my family. I love my wife, please leave her out of this and stop contacting her. "

 

 

I haven't contacted her again, so what the F?

 

I had to reply.

 

I am not contacting her and I haven't since the time you know about. I am ashamed of myself for trusting you. I am glad I am me and not her."

 

then...I had to add some sarcasm..."So doe this mean you aren't coming out her next week?"

 

He says, "no I am not. never was it is over." then five minutes later,

"I love my wife and that's what I am working on."

 

I didn't respond. I am done, and I am feeling very FREEEEEEEE right now. She is the one that has to live with him. I am doing great today...all of the sudden something clicked. I don't know what. I have been praying.

 

My estranged son called me today and apologized and told me he loved me! God works in amazing ways when you do the right thing.

 

I am so OK today!!!

 

I'm glad today is a good day! Remember this feeling in case things get tricky again or he decides he misses you too much to be NC/focus on his marriage. Think about what you want and stick with it... And celebrate feeling good!

[Donesharing]

I'm glad today is a good day! Remember this feeling in case things get tricky again or he decides he misses you too much to be NC/focus on his marriage. Think about what you want and stick with it... And celebrate feeling good!

 

I don't know what came over me? I was crying earlier, but suddenly I feel realy good. Thanks! He is blocked every which way. And they give him a gun? Ugh. He is a liar, and thinks rules don't apply. He doesn't go through security at the airport since he is armed. When he left last time he bought a bottle of vodka to put in his carry on. I said, " you can't go through security with that." He said, "I don't go through security, but since I am armed I am not allowed to order drinks on the plane." I shook my head, but now I realize how he ticks. He thinks he is above rules and doing the right thing. A$$

[Redheaded Mistress]

I don't know what came over me? I was crying earlier, but suddenly I feel realy good. Thanks! He is blocked every which way. And they give him a gun? Ugh. He is a liar, and thinks rules don't apply. He doesn't go through security at the airport since he is armed. When he left last time he bought a bottle of vodka to put in his carry on. I said, " you can't go through security with that." He said, "I don't go through security, but since I am armed I am not allowed to order drinks on the plane." I shook my head, but now I realize how he ticks. He thinks he is above rules and doing the right thing. A$$

 

I'm not sure what this says about me because I bring liquor in my carry-on all the time! LOL!

 

Well, not all the time, but whenever I go down to the Caribbean or Texas. I live in a state where our liquor is really controlled, so the good stuff has to be brought from the good places.

 

Not the point I know, but it's nice to see you doing well enough that we can enjoy a laugh.

[Donesharing]

I'm not sure what this says about me because I bring liquor in my carry-on all the time! LOL!

 

Well, not all the time, but whenever I go down to the Caribbean or Texas. I live in a state where our liquor is really controlled, so the good stuff has to be brought from the good places.

 

Not the point I know, but it's nice to see you doing well enough that we can enjoy a laugh.

 

I would too! Ha! But, he is not allowed to order alcohol on the plane! We are! He is breaking the law. Anyway, just trying to see what a liar he is...hindsight.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I would too! Ha! But, he is not allowed to order alcohol on the plane! We are! He is breaking the law. Anyway, just trying to see what a liar he is...hindsight.

 

Yep! It's the only time looking out your behind gives you crystal clear vision.

[Donesharing]

Yep! It's the only time looking out your behind gives you crystal clear vision.

 

True that!