New here and need some support [new update]

[Redheaded Mistress]

I think I am more upset with myself for falling for this. I don't know how I was so naive? We stayed up for hours and talked to each other about everything. He said that his wife and him don't talk like that. I believed it. He said that he sleeps in the basement. He said that he never loved her, that she wanted to get engaged when her grandmother was dying so she could die knowing that she was happy. He said that next thing he knew she was planning a wedding. He said he left her 3 times, and the first time the only reason he went back was because she was pregnant. He said he does everything around the house and she is lazy and doesn't do house work. He said her income doesn't contribute much and he has to pay for everything. But, mostly he said he loved me. He said it first! He told me that same day when we were in Las Vegas that he would leave her when the last kid goes to college. That was almost two years ago. I just trusted him. I don't know why I did. I did though and I am so mad at myself. I really bought into his BS.

 

You're not an idiot. I'm sure kernels of what was in there is the truth and without any solid reason to not trust him, paired with the fact that you loved him, it was easy to believe. It made sense... And what didn't make sense would be morphed so that it did. Being trusting doesn't make you an idiot. It makes you a human who's in a relationship with somebody she loved and therefore trusted.

 

Really, a lot of what he was saying may have been not just for your benefit, but for his. A way for him to justify what he was doing, explain why he could leave for you. Even if that was the case, the only person being lied to is him, and he's doing it to himself.

 

If it were nothing to him, it wouldn't have gone on as long as it had. There's no working around that. So don't let his telling you otherwise dominate you. The fact you may or may not mean anything to him now doesn't mean you never did. I think he was just pressured into a position where he finally had to make a stand, and the chips didn't fall in your favor. It happens. It's hard, but it happens.

 

I don't know if that makes it easier or harder, but there it is. Either way, at least you have the whole truth in your new reality and can move forward constructively.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your pain.

[Donesharing]

Your emotions and heart probably wouldn't even allow yourself to doubt him..>Just like his wife , why would she suspect or doubt him since he is so good at lying?

 

Be mad, use that anger to help you get over him...He ain't worth it.

 

That is all true. Plus for me lying is a really difficult thing. So, to do it like he did and play with peoples lives and feelings is just hard to even comprehend. There are bad people in the world. He obviously thinks he is special or something. Rules don't apply to him. He does work in the nations capital, they all lie there. I should have thought about that.

[Donesharing]

You know what I just remembered? I am the one that broke up with him last week!? Why am I feeling so jilted? He knows I dumped him and told her. Of course he has to save his marriage. (I am sure he would have scrambled to do that either way now.) But, still I wonder why I am feeling so down? I guess just seeing how he threw me to the wolves when it came down to it. OK...

[lovedandlostit]

If you did that, I think he will scramble to save what he can and tell her you are crazy. It's what normally happens and some BS feel better believing that. I think you come to a stage after years where you just want the truth as an OW as some stuff doesn't add up. Especially when you feel like you are really loved but Mm do not leave just for love, they like status and can sacrifice love for what they built up. It's also the devil you know.I am sure he loves you but cannot back it up as he has gotten used to leading a double life. Be sure he won't be happy.

[Donesharing]

If you did that, I think he will scramble to save what he can and tell her you are crazy. It's what normally happens and some BS feel better believing that. I think you come to a stage after years where you just want the truth as an OW as some stuff doesn't add up. Especially when you feel like you are really loved but Mm do not leave just for love, they like status and can sacrifice love for what they built up. It's also the devil you know.I am sure he loves you but cannot back it up as he has gotten used to leading a double life. Be sure he won't be happy.

 

Yes, I did last weekend on Saturday. I told him that he needed to prove that he was making plans to leave. I told him I was done playing this game with him. I was upset and I have stopped our relationship several times, but he would always sweet talk me back. So he probably didn't take me totally serious, until I contacted his BW.

[Donesharing]

I slept for a little, but woke up with insomnia at 1:30 am and with my head going in circles. This wasn't just an A. Well, it was, but it was long distance and we text almost non-stop. I never could understand why his BW never asked him who he was texting. Men don't text like that normally. There really are so many conversations that took place over the last 2 years, that cannot be all lies. Too many stories about how unhappy he is at home, personal stories that never changed. I really think that he was genuine. I also think he was realizing he couldn't bring himself to the point of leaving her. He became very conflicted. Yesterday when he text me the tone of the texts, the sentence structure, and how fast and long winded the replies were, I think she was the one texting me. Im sure He was there and approved, but the text is just worded differently than he normally sounds. Like writing a sentence and then putting dot dot dot ... after. Asking me if I pray, then asking 6 times "what promises did I make to you?" Why would he keep asking that? Saying that it was my plan all a long to break up his marriage. Here is one of the texts--His phone "BTW. Do you pray, isn't coveting anothers husband a sin?" Then I dropped the F-bomb saying &%$#* you. And right away the reply was "You have." I don't think the entire text conversation was her, but I think she grabbed that phone and said quite a few things. I have been texting with him for years, so I know how slow he is at replying like at least 3-4 minutes between texts if it is more that a word or two. These texts were coming in super fast. I text fast, and it was as fast as I text. Also, his texting style. A lot of the text had to be her pretending to be him. There was too much anger in those texts for it to be him. Even the day before he had text me and said, "You are wrong" When I had text him and said, "you used me." The day after I told her last week, he had text and told me that he never used me and he really loved me. He didn't get mad at me until this text yesterday. I know I am beating a dead horse right now, but I am trying to understand and this does help me. I am not going to believe him saying he never loved me. I just don't buy it. 90% of our relationship was talking and texting. Not sexting. Some of the stuff he shared with me were things you say to people that you are close to and trust. Yes, he is a liar, but he wasn't using me, he loved me. I just know he did. He can't tell her that though, he isn't being honest with her even now. Oh, and he said that he is worried she is going to kill herself. Now that would be stupid, but a great way to manipulate him to be nasty to me. I am sure this hurt her tremendously and she needs to feel like it was me that caused this. That's the sense I get. I am sure he won't say anything to me though via text or email, because if he did he knows I could show it to her, and then there goes the new lie. Anyway, that made me tired. I am going to try to sleep now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks again all for listening.

[lovedandlostit]

Yes, I did last weekend on Saturday. I told him that he needed to prove that he was making plans to leave. I told him I was done playing this game with him. I was upset and I have stopped our relationship several times, but he would always sweet talk me back. So he probably didn't take me totally serious, until I contacted his BW.

Yeah I did it too, doesn't work as they usually know already

[goodyblue]

I slept for a little, but woke up with insomnia at 1:30 am and with my head going in circles. This wasn't just an A. Well, it was, but it was long distance and we text almost non-stop. I never could understand why his BW never asked him who he was texting. Men don't text like that normally. There really are so many conversations that took place over the last 2 years, that cannot be all lies. Too many stories about how unhappy he is at home, personal stories that never changed. I really think that he was genuine. I also think he was realizing he couldn't bring himself to the point of leaving her. He became very conflicted. Yesterday when he text me the tone of the texts, the sentence structure, and how fast and long winded the replies were, I think she was the one texting me. Im sure He was there and approved, but the text is just worded differently than he normally sounds. Like writing a sentence and then putting dot dot dot ... after. Asking me if I pray, then asking 6 times "what promises did I make to you?" Why would he keep asking that? Saying that it was my plan all a long to break up his marriage. Here is one of the texts--His phone "BTW. Do you pray, isn't coveting anothers husband a sin?" Then I dropped the F-bomb saying &%$#* you. And right away the reply was "You have." I don't think the entire text conversation was her, but I think she grabbed that phone and said quite a few things. I have been texting with him for years, so I know how slow he is at replying like at least 3-4 minutes between texts if it is more that a word or two. These texts were coming in super fast. I text fast, and it was as fast as I text. Also, his texting style. A lot of the text had to be her pretending to be him. There was too much anger in those texts for it to be him. Even the day before he had text me and said, "You are wrong" When I had text him and said, "you used me." The day after I told her last week, he had text and told me that he never used me and he really loved me. He didn't get mad at me until this text yesterday. I know I am beating a dead horse right now, but I am trying to understand and this does help me. I am not going to believe him saying he never loved me. I just don't buy it. 90% of our relationship was talking and texting. Not sexting. Some of the stuff he shared with me were things you say to people that you are close to and trust. Yes, he is a liar, but he wasn't using me, he loved me. I just know he did. He can't tell her that though, he isn't being honest with her even now. Oh, and he said that he is worried she is going to kill herself. Now that would be stupid, but a great way to manipulate him to be nasty to me. I am sure this hurt her tremendously and she needs to feel like it was me that caused this. That's the sense I get. I am sure he won't say anything to me though via text or email, because if he did he knows I could show it to her, and then there goes the new lie. Anyway, that made me tired. I am going to try to sleep now. I feel sick to my stomach. Thanks again all for listening.

 

Jesus Christ. I had forgotten how difficult it was when we had our Dday a couple of years ago. The manipulation tactics that went on with his ex wife. Ugh. I.Don't blame her really, she was trying to save a dead marriage but just reading this exhausts me. My advice is to stop responding because it seems he has made his decision and it will only drag it out in your mind and heart. It is so hard. You must take care of you right now. Try to remember he is doing damage control and you have to put an invisible bubble around yourself to minimize damage to yourself.

 

Chin up, sweetheart.

[Donesharing]

Jesus Christ. I had forgotten how difficult it was when we had our Dday a couple of years ago. The manipulation tactics that went on with his ex wife. Ugh. I.Don't blame her really, she was trying to save a dead marriage but just reading this exhausts me. My advice is to stop responding because it seems he has made his decision and it will only drag it out in your mind and heart. It is so hard. You must take care of you right now. Try to remember he is doing damage control and you have to put an invisible bubble around yourself to minimize damage to yourself.

 

Chin up, sweetheart.

 

This makes a lot of sense. I was also thinking about the way this had gone down. It was them against me. They weren't focusing on their marriage at all, they were both battling me. In doing that, and making myself available and reacting, they didn't have to look at the elephant in the room, their marriage. I am 100% out of the equation as of now. Now they can look at each other, good or bad, that is what they need to do. I was engaged a few years ago to sober alcoholic, who relapsed during our engagement. Needless to say I broke the engagement off. I went to Alanon meetings and read a few books, and I was enabling him for awhile. I realized that I needed to get out of the nightmare so he had no choice to look at himself.

 

Plus, you are right. I gave up two good years of my life trusting this MM. At 48-50 years old, I could have found someone available. I have time right now, I am in great shape, I own my own home. I make a good living. I have 3 adult children and one 16 year old. I have time to travel and enjoy life and I have isolated myself waiting for the MM. I do need to take care of myself. Thank you.

[Lovemesomehim]

I won't do it any more. I am just broken by this. I made a huge mistake trusting him. Why did he waste my time and his? He could have gotten a hooker right in his own town. I still cannot wrap my mind around this interaction today. He even said that my plan from the beginning was to destroy his marriage. I never had a plan. I trusted that he was in a loveless marriage. I need to throw up again. I am so broken.

 

 

 

This is the question of the day....but one that should not hold you hostage in healing. What is done is done. You probably will never know his exact motives for wasting your time and to be truthful, will it make a difference?

 

 

He's blaming you for exposing the relationship because you were his little secret. When you dropped the bomb, you opened up the flood gates of h.ell, that now has his marriage on the brink.

 

 

Yes, he had your hopes up thinking that one day the two of you would be together. Yes, he's the bad guy for seeking you out and preying on you but you played a part in this affair as well. Own it, deal with it, release it and move on. Grieve. But stop giving him all this power over you.

[MuddyRock]

Do not discount thoughts of suicide on her part as manipulation. Suicide if a very real thought to many if not most BS at some point.

Look how upset you are over a 2 year affair being a lie. Imagine your husband of decades doing this to you, especially as most of his excuses are probably lies. Do you really think the feeling cant be a real one?

[goodyblue]

Do not discount thoughts of suicide on her part as manipulation. Suicide if a very real thought to many if not most BS at some point.

Look how upset you are over a 2 year affair being a lie. Imagine your husband of decades doing this to you, especially as most of his excuses are probably lies. Do you really think the feeling cant be a real one?

 

I think if a person threatens suicide most of the time it is manipulation. People who actually commit suicide don't threaten it, you just come home one day and find them in the garage with a gunshot to the head (based on several personal experiences).

[Donesharing]

Do not discount thoughts of suicide on her part as manipulation. Suicide if a very real thought to many if not most BS at some point.

Look how upset you are over a 2 year affair being a lie. Imagine your husband of decades doing this to you, especially as most of his excuses are probably lies. Do you really think the feeling cant be a real one?

 

No, that isn't what I meant. I am sure she is devastated, but she has their sons to live for. I know she probably feels like her life is over because of this. But, I also know that it could be manipulation as well. There had to be signs that something was wrong. However, denial is powerful. Also, having gone through a divorce after 17 years of marriage, there is so much more to live for than your husband. But, in the initial shock of the whole situation I am sure it feels like that. When my husband left me I couldn't eat or get out of bed for a month. Finally, one of my friends made me go to the Dr. and I started on a antidepressant. I guess I sounded cold saying that. It wasn't meant like that.

[Donesharing]

I think if a person threatens suicide most of the time it is manipulation. People who actually commit suicide don't threaten it, you just come home one day and find them in the garage with a gunshot to the head (based on several personal experiences).

 

This is very true. I have had a few people i know do exactly that. Recently, a man I knew, said nothing about it, and hung himself. Look at Robin Williams too. I am a Registered Nurse and I have also some professional experience with this stuff. My ex fiance's daughter tried twice, but she did it very dramatically, and got a lot of attention over it. She never really wanted to die. It was a cry for help though.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has BPD and has had multiple suicide threats and attempts. Doctors have told us that many people who manipulate with suicide threats, eventually do kill themselves. They told my parents to prepare for it. You have to remember that if a person is messed up enough to threaten suicide as a manipulation tactic, they need serious help. It being only a "threat" or halfhearted attempt does not mean that the person is faking, or that they won't ever genuinely want to die. It just means that "this time" wasn't successful.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Why did you feel the need to contact her three times? Were you trying to get a response from her? He will no doubt tell her that you are a little unstable and unfortunately the contact will prove his point to her, and hurt her further I'm sure. Do you think that your actions in part were designed to hurt th BS because he didnt follow your agreed upon timeline? After all, if it weren't for her, you would be blissfully in a relationship (LD?) with your MM.

 

Didn't you say how badly you felt about contacting her before you contacted her for the third time?

[goodyblue]

My sister has BPD and has had multiple suicide threats and attempts. Doctors have told us that many people who manipulate with suicide threats, eventually do kill themselves. They told my parents to prepare for it. You have to remember that if a person is messed up enough to threaten suicide as a manipulation tactic, they need serious help. It being only a "threat" or halfhearted attempt does not mean that the person is faking, or that they won't ever genuinely want to die. It just means that "this time" wasn't successful.

 

Not quite the same scenario. Mental illness is clearly going to mean something different from what OP mentioned. Having BPD and being miserable for years is one thing. Finding out your husband cheated and threatening suicide because of that is not the same at all and most of the time is manipulation. She may even be using it because she doesn't know how else to put into words the hurt she feels but the chances of suicide or even an attempt are very low.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Not quite the same scenario. Mental illness is clearly going to mean something different from what OP mentioned. Having BPD and being miserable for years is one thing. Finding out your husband cheated and threatening suicide because of that is not the same at all and most of the time is manipulation. She may even be using it because she doesn't know how else to put into words the hurt she feels but the chances of suicide or even an attempt are very low.

 

How does OP know that the BS threatened suicide? I wonder if the manipulation isn't on the upstanding MM?

[goodyblue]

How does OP know that the BS threatened suicide? I wonder if the manipulation isn't on the upstanding MM?

 

Anything is possible. It is difficult for me to say b/c my scenario was much different. My guy never lied to me, protected Me throughout and never threw me under the bus. I just don't know.

[Lovemesomehim]

She continues contacting the wife because ow is hurting and wants her affair partner to see his wife in pain. Contacting the wife to let her know of the affair has nothing to do with letting the wife know of her husbands betrayal infact, it has everything to do with knowing her affair partners life is ruined, just like hers.

 

 

When the affair was what she wanted, she never reached out to his wife to let her know what a wonderful, loving man they shared but as soon as the ow's world was shattered and all the lies were brought to the open, ow decided she would inflict pain where it would hurt him the most....His wife. Usually, the OW wishes that once the truth is revealed, her affair partner will confess and tell the wife that he's in love with his mistress and wants a divorce. When that does not happen, the OW continues to press for more blood.

 

 

Donesharing - Who knows of the wife's mental state of mind right now? What she thought was a loving marriage was just shattered by a revelation of her husbands' affair by his mistress. Why would she not be in distress? And why discount the wife's feelings? When you think about it, she has the right to feel hurt and betrayed. When she married him, she went into the marriage as a couple and not with a third person.

 

 

I seriously hope you stop contacting his wife and begin focusing on what really matters and that's finding out what made you begin an affair with a married man and begin healing. When you constantly and purposely inflict pain unto others, you are destined to feel some of that pain and possibly more.

[Donesharing]

Didn't you say how badly you felt about contacting her before you contacted her for the third time?

 

I only contacted her twice, once on Sept 13 and Sept 21. If I said three times, I don't know why. My head is a little confused. But, I just looked at the FB messages and that is the only way I contacted her. It was only twice. I think the first time he was able to tell her I was just a crazy woman. But, the second one I gave her the timelines and where, Las vegas on such and such date, etc...I think that is the only reason that all the crap hit the fan for him yesterday. Because, he was able to pacify her somewhat and still tell me that he never used me and I am wrong about that, etc. They did contact me yesterday, so that would be the third contact, but I didn't initiate it and it was via his text phone. And like I said the way things were worded and the speed of replies, and the anger in those texts tell me that he wasn't alone doing the texting. I didn't think so at the moment, but reading it back the questions were things he wouldn't have said or asked me. Like saying "What did I promise you?" "What exactly did I promise you?" 6 times that question came up. "How could you believe that I was ever going to leave her? " 'How could you not know that I am a compulsive liar" "Do you love me?" "If I get divorced will you be there for me?" She had to be involved in that text. Anyway, I need to let it go now. I feel pretty good today and very free. I am just looking at all the things I have neglected in my own life. The entire A was weighing me down. I really do feel like I got off the train.

[Donesharing]

How does OP know that the BS threatened suicide? I wonder if the manipulation isn't on the upstanding MM?

 

When he text me yesterday he said, stop contacting her. I am trying to make sure she doesn't kill herself, and she was praying for you today."

[goodyblue]

She continues contacting the wife because ow is hurting and wants her affair partner to see his wife in pain. Contacting the wife to let her know of the affair has nothing to do with letting the wife know of her husbands betrayal infact, it has everything to do with knowing her affair partners life is ruined, just like hers.

 

 

When the affair was what she wanted, she never reached out to his wife to let her know what a wonderful, loving man they shared but as soon as the ow's world was shattered and all the lies were brought to the open, ow decided she would inflict pain where it would hurt him the most....His wife. Usually, the OW wishes that once the truth is revealed, her affair partner will confess and tell the wife that he's in love with his mistress and wants a divorce. When that does not happen, the OW continues to press for more blood.

 

 

Donesharing - Who knows of the wife's mental state of mind right now? What she thought was a loving marriage was just shattered by a revelation of her husbands' affair by his mistress. Why would she not be in distress? And why discount the wife's feelings? When you think about it, she has the right to feel hurt and betrayed. When she married him, she went into the marriage as a couple and not with a third person.

 

 

I seriously hope you stop contacting his wife and begin focusing on what really matters and that's finding out what made you begin an affair with a married man and begin healing. When you constantly and purposely inflict pain unto others, you are destined to feel some of that pain and possibly more.

 

So... nobody knows what his wife's state of mind is but you know exactly why DoneSharing did what she did in telling the W? I certainly don't recall DS saying she wanted to hurt the wife. Hmmm. Seems like quite an assumption, especially when you just pigeonholed most OW right along with it.

[Mount]

Exactly. By contacting or harrassing BS, you are only help them build up their marriage more strongly as now they have common goal to strengthen their marraige teamwork to be against with you - you are their enemy (bunnyboiler, stalker or whatever you can imagine). You dont know how MM described you in front of his wife that he desperately wants to keep.

 

 

 

Why did you feel the need to contact her three times? Were you trying to get a response from her? He will no doubt tell her that you are a little unstable and unfortunately the contact will prove his point to her, and hurt her further I'm sure. Do you think that your actions in part were designed to hurt th BS because he didnt follow your agreed upon timeline? After all, if it weren't for her, you would be blissfully in a relationship (LD?) with your MM.

 

Didn't you say how badly you felt about contacting her before you contacted her for the third time?

[Lovemesomehim]

So... nobody knows what his wife's state of mind is but you know exactly why DoneSharing did what she did in telling the W? I certainly don't recall DS saying she wanted to hurt the wife. Hmmm. Seems like quite an assumption, especially when you just pigeonholed most OW right along with it.

 

And you are correct! No one knows his wife's state of mind, it was a general assumption (just like everyone does on this board when giving advice and just like you are doing by dissecting my statement)