New here and need some support [new update]

[Donesharing]

I'm getting the impression you consider yourself the main "victim" in your situation (as per quotes above). Maybe you don't think that way at all but in any case, my own opinion is that his BW and children are the main victims here. Obviously even if you were promised a future it was still "just an affair" meanwhile...

 

 

y.

 

I guess at this moment I feel like a victim. I have known him for 36 years. He was my first high school sweetheart. We lived in a small midwest town and my father took a job in California. I had to move as a jr. in high school. We wrote for years and met up a few times in college. I got married at 23 and we lost contact before that time. We started speaking again after the 20 year reunion. Had a brief evening together soon after my divorce, but that was it. We kept in touch via phone and email since that time. Sometimes a year would go by. He made a few trips out here when I was in a relationship and he said, "you blew me off." I didn't go see him, I was uncomfortable with it at that time. Two years ago he was here on a business trip we had dinner and talked for hours, after that we started the A. I was single and he had said all along that he is still married until the kids were out of the house. I know I should have stayed as strong as I had been the ten years prior, but I caved. He told me things that I truly believed. Him moving from Texas to the East Coast and his wife going ahead and leaving him with the three kids and animals...etc. I had no reason not to believe that he was there for the kids. He has never been mean to me, and has always been sweet and kind. He kept in touch no matter if I was meeting up with him or not. We have spent exactly 20 nights together in the last 2 years, but text and talk constantly. The friendship has been the strongest part of our relationship. We do live across the country. He has always been immediately available to my texts. He has always text me he loved me. Anyway, I don't even know where I am going with this. Bottom line, I loved him and trusted him. But, I wanted him to leave. I was losing my mind the last few months. I didn't have it in me to continue being the OW. Maybe I jumped the gun. But, it is what it is now. Maybe I blew it. I don't know. But, right now I am sad so maybe I sound like the victim. I miss him. I really did think he loved me. I really did.

[beach]

He's mad at you? He should be mad at himself.

 

And his life is over? ----> notice he still isn't worried about you at all.

 

He's just the common cheater who lies while being selfish.

 

And it could all still be an act. You have no solid evidence his wife really knows. Sure HE IS pretending as if she knows - but she may have never gotten your message. Especially since you never heard from her.

 

Wasting 9 years on a married guy is nothing to sneeze at. At least now you know he had no intention of leaving her.

 

You can move forward and never communicate with him again.

 

I hope you plan a trip out of town for when he visits in two weeks. Have a plan for when he tries to reach you any time in the future. A plan that considers YOUR best interest.

 

It's time for you to take back control of your life and your future.

 

You deserve much better than him.

[beach]

Here is the text I sent this morning:

I can't eat or sleep. I believe that you decided that you can't leave your wife. I am glad I took the drastic step of contacting her and finding out the truth. I feel like such a horrible person for believing that you really were in love with me and really wanted to be with me as more than an affair. I am completely broken. I can't even function. No goodbye from you? I am in so much emotional pain. I don't know how to get through it. I love you.

 

His reply: You have no idea what I am going through. My life is over.

 

I take it as his kids are going to disown him or he fears they will. He has been a very hands on dad and his biggest fear that he verbalized all along was losing his kids. I don't think it is really about her or me, but about his kids.

 

Don't fool yourself... It's definitely all about HIM.

[Donesharing]

Don't fool yourself... It's definitely all about HIM.

 

I have said that to him a few times over the last year. I always felt mean saying it. But, that reply after everything spoke that loudly.

[Donesharing]

He's mad at you? He should be mad at himself.

 

 

And it could all still be an act. You have no solid evidence his wife really knows. Sure HE IS pretending as if she knows - but she may have never gotten your message. Especially since you never heard from her.

 

 

.

He doesn't have a FB he works for the Federal Government in an area that would not be a good idea to have social media of his own. She is very active on FB. I know she saw it. I told him I sent it and she saw it within minutes. I could see the "seen at" time stamp.

[beach]

I hope you will find an available man who genuinely considers your feelings and places you top on his priority list.

 

He can only use you further IF you ALLOW it. So just don't allow it any longer

 

 

There are wonderful and trustworthy men out there but he's not one of them.

[Donesharing]

I hope you will find an available man who genuinely considers your feelings and places you top on his priority list.

 

He can only use you further IF you ALLOW it. So just don't allow it any longer

 

 

There are wonderful and trustworthy men out there but he's not one of them.

 

Thank you. I hope so too.

[beach]

He doesn't have a FB he works for the Federal Government in an area that would not be a good idea to have social media of his own. She is very active on FB. I know she saw it. I told him I sent it and she saw it within minutes. I could see the "seen at" time stamp.

 

HE easily could have been the one to "see" it. Especially if he knew you sent it and he intercepted it.

 

There's nothing that proves she knows. My bet is she still doesn't know but he's using the opportunity to be mad at you for attempting to tell her.

[Donesharing]

HE easily could have been the one to "see" it. Especially if he knew you sent it and he intercepted it.

 

There's nothing that proves she knows. My bet is she still doesn't know but he's using the opportunity to be mad at you for attempting to tell her.

 

I don't think so. He doesn't know I sent the apology today and she saw that about 30 min later. She has FB messenger, I can tell from the app on my phone. It would have gone right to her phone. I am certain she saw it.

[DKT3]

I haven't read every single comment because this went from 1 page to 4 quickly. So if this was asked and anwsered I'm sorry.

 

I question your motivations for telling, I wonder if your intent was to have her throw him out on his azz? The reason I ask is because had you truly been concerned about her you would have found a way to tell long before this.

[Donesharing]

I haven't read every single comment because this went from 1 page to 4 quickly. So if this was asked and anwsered I'm sorry.

 

I question your motivations for telling, I wonder if your intent was to have her throw him out on his azz? The reason I ask is because had you truly been concerned about her you would have found a way to tell long before this.

 

I was not really concerned about her all along. I believed him when he said that he was there for the kids and she knew that. I trusted that. But, over the last week when I started asking for a timeline and he kept having a meltdown. Telling me how hard this is, and how he just needed to get the balls to do it. I started to question if she really was going to be blindsided when or if he actually "got the balls" to do it. I also know that last year when he had to go back and forth to the kids colleges he was always going alone. Suddenly this year they were both going together. A month ago I tried the no contact until he "changed his situation." that didn't work. I was too wishy washy. Something just hit me two nights ago. I wanted to know the truth. I can't even tell you what came over me, but at that moment I wanted out or I wanted it over. Maybe I just didn't trust myself to have the strength to cut him off. I guess I need to think about what my motivation was. I do know that if I was in her place I would want to know. It's hard to look at it from every angle. I guess I mostly wanted to know what he would do if she did find out. I found out that he made it all about him. Maybe over the next few days I can figure out what and why I messaged her. I am honestly upset at myself for doing it, but at the same time I am glad I was able to see his reaction and how suddenly he is only concerned about his life and not mine.

[OffRail]

I too don't believe that his wife has seen your messages and still didn't contact you. I too believe that maybe HE intercepted the message the first time, deleted it, then blocked you so that you couldn't message her anymore. Then, he may have fed her some cock-and-bull story about a psycho ex-classmate who is stalking him and pressing him to have an affair with her, and could possibly try to contact the wife to stir trouble in their paradise.

 

Then, once he knew his wife was convinced and would never believe you, he unblocked you ! Is this plausible ?

 

If you have never talked to her before, there would be no message history to speak of, and she would never notice anything missing from her inbox. I am positive this is the spin he is giving her - you are a crazy classmate who thinks he is the one who got away.

 

I will eat my imaginary hat if it wasn't this or something similar to this that he has pulled on her. Why else would she not have messaged you already with questions ? Or lashed out at you for "giving her back her husband" ? Something doesn't add up here.

[Donesharing]

I too don't believe that his wife has seen your messages and still didn't contact you.... Why else would she not have messaged you already with questions ? Or lashed out at you for "giving her back her husband" ? Something doesn't add up here.

 

I am 99% sure that she is the one that saw it. I just went back to my text message to him. 15 min before she saw the message. I said, you are going to be really mad at me for what I did, but maybe this will help you save your marriage." (yes, I was being a b-word when I said that.) He text back a few minutes later and said, "What did you do?" I said you will find out soon, and then I went on about how hurt I was etc.... Then she saw the message and I never got another text from him all night or the next morning. The next morning I sent a text apologizing and telling him that I was angry and I shouldn't have done that, but I was sure now that he used me. He replied he never used me. I told him that he knew I was at my breaking point with the other woman thing and I had begged him to give me a timeline or let me go and he refused. He said "I'm sorry." That was it. I sent a few more texts that went unanswered. Then this morning I sent the last text and his reply was the "you have no idea what I am going through right now, my life is over." She knows. I sense that she knows, and she got the message. The messenger light shows she has it on her phone. He doesn't have her phone. They really aren't that close. I know that no one will believe me, but I know him. I have known him since we were 14. He is a mellow person, internalizes things a lot and is not complex like that. He really has been the main parent to the kids. We have friends we grew up with that know this about their marriage. They truly spend almost no time together. The reunions that they go to they don't go together. I am sorry, but the last place I would let my husband go without me is to a class reunion. However, I will keep an open mind and see how things play out. If he did cut this off at the pass, then I would think he would still try to make his trip out here in two weeks. He bought the plane ticket ya know? There is no other reason for him to come here except to see me. To be continued... I guess? I would also imagine that her profile and background picture would change from the family picture to just her or her and the kids if she does kick him out or knows. Or maybe she will keep the family pictures since she knows I will see her FB. Also, the message I sent today was looked at at least 5 more times. I was pretty obsessive about it today and when someone is looking at the message the new time stamp shows up and then when they log off it goes back to the original time stamp.

[2sunny]

You say they don't go places together but he went with her to take the kids to college. Essentially a get away together.

 

So what you're saying isn't true.

 

He just wanted you to BELIEVE they didn't go places together. And the reunion alone - well that's what it looks like when a spouse trusts the other one.

 

Apparently he's not the man she THOUGHT he was. He's been totally dishonest to both of you.

 

Since he's not out by now - we can assume that he's begging her to stay with him.

 

Happens a LOT! I guess he lied too when he said he was unhappy with her. Otherwise HE would take this golden opportunity to exit now and be with you.

 

Since he's delayed now and still there - IF he leaves at this point it's because she's thrown him out. And that would make you HIS second best choice.

 

Not easy for you that's for sure. Just know he's a first rated jerk!

 

I hope you're done with him! And I wish you hadn't apologized - HE is the one who did wrong. Please don't apologize to him again!

 

Respect yourself enough to know you deserve better.

[OffRail]

I am 99% sure that she is the one that saw it. I just went back to my text message to him. 15 min before she saw the message. I said, you are going to be really mad at me for what I did, but maybe this will help you save your marriage." (yes, I was being a b-word when I said that.) He text back a few minutes later and said, "What did you do?" I said you will find out soon, and then I went on about how hurt I was etc.... Then she saw the message and I never got another text from him all night or the next morning. The next morning I sent a text apologizing and telling him that I was angry and I shouldn't have done that, but I was sure now that he used me. He replied he never used me. I told him that he knew I was at my breaking point with the other woman thing and I had begged him to give me a timeline or let me go and he refused. He said "I'm sorry." That was it. I sent a few more texts that went unanswered. Then this morning I sent the last text and his reply was the "you have no idea what I am going through right now, my life is over." She knows. I sense that she knows, and she got the message. The messenger light shows she has it on her phone. He doesn't have her phone. They really aren't that close. I know that no one will believe me, but I know him. I have known him since we were 14. He is a mellow person, internalizes things a lot and is not complex like that. He really has been the main parent to the kids. We have friends we grew up with that know this about their marriage. They truly spend almost no time together. The reunions that they go to they don't go together. I am sorry, but the last place I would let my husband go without me is to a class reunion. However, I will keep an open mind and see how things play out. If he did cut this off at the pass, then I would think he would still try to make his trip out here in two weeks. He bought the plane ticket ya know? There is no other reason for him to come here except to see me. To be continued... I guess? I would also imagine that her profile and background picture would change from the family picture to just her or her and the kids if she does kick him out or knows. Or maybe she will keep the family pictures since she knows I will see her FB. Also, the message I sent today was looked at at least 5 more times. I was pretty obsessive about it today and when someone is looking at the message the new time stamp shows up and then when they log off it goes back to the original time stamp.

 

I am sorry that you are in so much pain.

 

But I have to ask you - is this guy worth it ? Everything he has said / done so far indicates that this is about HIM, not you. "My life is over" is not at all how someone who is supposedly unhappily married would react to his wife finding about his extra-marital affair. Au contraire, he would be glad that she knows and they can now start the process of breaking up. And notice how his kids are always the reason he can't leave ? That is a load of baloney, and in his case, even more so since his children are now legal adults. I am sure the boys would be upset if their parents broke up, but they wouldn't be as devastated as they would have had they been little children who won't see Mommy and Daddy together anymore. These kids are away at college and busy with their own lives. It just doesn't make sense that he is STILL staying married "because of the kids".

 

And, if by any chance, this really is all true, and he can't leave because he is worried that his sons would disown him, then you have your answer. If he won't leave now, he won't leave 10 years from today. Why should he ? Things are good for him right now. He has his marriage, his boys still love him, and then there's you on the side, ready to be at his beck and call, giving him emotional support and free sex whenever he wants it. I mean, why would he leave when he can have his cake and eat it too, with his current "arrangement" ?

 

As for the rest of the BS about him not being close to his wife blah blah blah - you know this how ? He told you, right ? If they weren't "close", and, if he was only in it for the kids, why is he still married to her ? It just doesn't make any sense. Unless he is afraid that a divorce after all these years will cost him half his retirement account and SS and pension, and he just doesn't want to lose all of that for a piece of ass on the side ! I am not saying this to hurt you, just trying to show you that there is NOTHING great or holy about this guy. He is a sleaze bag like all the rest of the cheating married men. He isn't unique and he isn't anything so great that you have to get so depressed over him.

 

Nevertheless, hoping to get him to start the divorce proceedings, you told his wife. Big deal. If he works for the Feds and makes a great living, why would she give up on her lifestyle to start again at her age (and I am assuming that she is at least middle aged, since she has adult children) ? Maybe she will put him on a tight leash, but it isn't as if he can't run rings around her, and sneak around to you whenever he can. He has hoodwinked her successfully in the past and he can continue doing so. And all the better if she does know and doesn't do anything about it, because now he can also give up the emotionally draining subterfuge and openly go about conducting his affair without any repercussions from his betrayed wife or their children !

 

You are making it so easy for him. Unless you want to stay in this rut and be a "side dish" for the rest of your life, dump his ass and move on.

 

The message from him (AND his wife) is loud and clear. They aren't splitting up and you are just the "bad guy" for trying to create trouble for them. Maybe his wife is devastated and thinking of next steps. Maybe she will contact you to ask for more information. Maybe she will scream at you. Maybe she will leave him.

 

Or maybe she won't. Everything you have said so far indicates that they will continue staying married and the outcome you hope for is probably not going to happen. I am sorry, but you deserve better. A lot better.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do you feel like you betrayed him by telling his wife before he was ready? Most men don't tell that they are leaving because of an OP. I would think that they would make it about being unhappy in the M. Would you feel that someone who took it upon themselves to interfere with your family, loved you or was a little bit obsessive and crazy. I've always assumed that there is some type of unspoken pact between affair partners that the affair is to be kept secret.

[anika99]

You keep saying you know him. You've known him for the past 36 yrs, since you were a teenager. You don't know him.

 

 

You lost contact with him for 20 yrs, and then had sporadic contact with him for several years and then a long distance mostly text messaging relationship with him for the past 2 yrs. That's not really knowing someone. People can be whoever they want to be when the person they are lying to are on the other side of the country.

 

 

His wife knows him far better than you do and he was able to fool her. I think he told you what you wanted to hear and you filled in the rest with your own ideals and fantasies. He may love his wife, most likely he does, but I'm sure he also has a whole life built up where he is, a life that you are not a part of. Did you really expect him to just drop off his last child at college and then walk away from his entire life? His friends, his family, his home, his entire life? To come and live with you, a person that he visits occasionally and shares text messages with?

 

 

If he really had planned to be with you then he would have already been working towards that even before his last kid left for college. He would have known where he was going to work, where he was going to live, how he was going to manage his funds and the divorce. He was saying he was going to leave as soon as the kids were in college but he hadn't taken even one concrete step towards that. He didn't have a clue on how to leave because he was never planning on leaving.

 

 

I think it's good you told his wife, even if it was for revenge or to try to force the MM to leave, she still needed to know. Also it freed you from spending even more time invested in his charade. Give yourself some time to heal and then focus on men closer to home. Most middle aged men who are serious about finding a long term relationship and making a commitment don't want to do long distance dating.

[goodyblue]

Here's how I look at it. My A was no different from any other relationship with regard to expectations regarding time, contact, caring etc. But what was different was that he was stuck in a miserable marriage that he wanted out of.

 

Having said that, there was no future faking, lies or false promises. My guy did not just say 'I will leave soon'. I was very clear that I would give him a year and he had to be out by then or I would walk. So he began making plans to leave. Visible progress, separating finances, things like that. There was a dday before the year Mark and he left. He also protected my identity as long as possible so I would not be harassed.

 

My point is, I am just not seeing any of that in your situation and it feels like he was trying to cake eat. I am not saying he does not love you, just that he clearly did not plan to go anywhere and when his wife found out it was all about damage control on that end, not yours.

 

I hope so much you go nc and let him do what he wants because you should not be miserable in a relationship. It is so unfair to you!

 

As an aside, my guy stayed until his children were out of the house too. So if that is why he chose to stay it is a valid reason, but when they left he should have left too. My guy's children found out about the A and were really upset but they are over it now and have a good relationship with their father. Things can work out. But only if HE is willing to fight for it.

 

You deserve happiness. Drop this dude who is being SO selfish and uncaring. I am sorry you are in so much pain. Chin up.

[DKT3]

Here's how I look at it. My A was no different from any other relationship with regard to expectations regarding time, contact, caring etc. But what was different was that he was stuck in a miserable marriage that he wanted out of.

 

Having said that, there was no future faking, lies or false promises. My guy did not just say 'I will leave soon'. I was very clear that I would give him a year and he had to be out by then or I would walk. So he began making plans to leave. Visible progress, separating finances, things like that. There was a dday before the year Mark and he left. He also protected my identity as long as possible so I would not be harassed.

 

My point is, I am just not seeing any of that in your situation and it feels like he was trying to cake eat. I am not saying he does not love you, just that he clearly did not plan to go anywhere and when his wife found out it was all about damage control on that end, not yours.

 

I hope so much you go nc and let him do what he wants because you should not be miserable in a relationship. It is so unfair to you!

 

As an aside, my guy stayed until his children were out of the house too. So if that is why he chose to stay it is a valid reason, but when they left he should have left too. My guy's children found out about the A and were really upset but they are over it now and have a good relationship with their father. Things can work out. But only if HE is willing to fight for it.

 

You deserve happiness. Drop this dude who is being SO selfish and uncaring. I am sorry you are in so much pain. Chin up.

 

I both agree and disagree here. I guess I mostly agree except for the "UNFAIR" part. She knew what she was getting into by getting involved with a married man, so I don't feel it was unfair that in the end he decided to stay in or try to save his marriage.

[goodyblue]

I both agree and disagree here. I guess I mostly agree except for the "UNFAIR" part. She knew what she was getting into by getting involved with a married man, so I don't feel it was unfair that in the end he decided to stay in or try to save his marriage.

 

I simply meant that it is unfair for anyone to be treated shabbily. We all deserve happiness. I didn't used to feel bad for my guy's ex. I thought she was getting what she deserved for neglecting him so long. But I feel terrible about being part of that now. But... she DID neglect him. And he should have walked because he deserves happiness too. We both wish he had done it before the A. I don't know if she would have handled the divorce better if the affair hadn't happened, but it was not my place to find out. But the thing is, his ex deserves happiness too. Now she is free to find it she chooses.

 

I do not believe in being unhappy. OP should not have to be unhappy in her relationship whatever that is. If my affair had made me a miserable person I would have walked. And it as unfair of OP's MM to ask her to go through misery.

 

We all want to believe that the person we love, loves back and want what is best for us. If we go by your statement, when someone finds out their spouse cheated and they stay to work it out, and are then miserable, their misery is their own fault because they knew their spouse did not have their best interests at heart.

Edited September 16, 2014 by goodyblue

[HBIC]

Something just hit me two nights ago. I wanted to know the truth. I can't even tell you what came over me, but at that moment I wanted out or I wanted it over.

 

In time you will realize that this "something" that just hit you was one of the most important moments in your life. YOU ended the affair. YOU told MM's wife. YOU are here seeking help. And YOU will move on to a better life!

 

I believe that MM's wife saw your FB messages. Please don't get pulled into the weeds of arguing with posters who want to make things more complicated. I also contacted exMM's wife, in part, to end the ridiculousness. Not every BW wants to engage the OW. No response is not proof she didn't get your message. Be super glad for the lack of drama

 

Advice from someone a few months out from your situation:

1. Keep the FB lines of communication open for another month for her to ask any questions, then close this chapter of your life permanently by blocking her and your mutual friend.

 

2. Your saga with your now exMM is over. Be strong. The healing process DOES take time and you will still feel love for him for a long time. That doesn't mean you should allow him to weasel his way back in. Please block him from texting, calling, or emailing you. Any further contact only rips open your wounds. Do it for YOU.

 

3. For the love of all that is holy, please don't allow him to see you in a few weeks.

 

4. Come here for support. Listen to the harshest advice. Sometimes it is the best.

 

You are a little bit older than me but let me say that life does go on beautifully when you make GOOD CHOICES. I ended things with exMM and now I am in a relationship with an amazing, SINGLE man who puts me first. This past weekend I spent a day at a family party with him, his mom, and his sister with all the little nieces and nephews running around our legs. We are planning our dishes for the family Thanksgiving already. It is night and day from the nightmare of being an OW.

 

DON'T beat yourself up for believing your exMM. Just move forward with love and grace in your heart and you will be OK. You are human. You loved. You are not perfect. You have the rest of your life in front of you, and it can be incredibly happy. Cry those tears but also smile. YOU ARE FREE!!!!:love:

[Donesharing]

In time you will realize that this "something" that just hit you was one of the most important moments in your life. YOU ended the affair. YOU told MM's wife. YOU are here seeking help. And YOU will move on to a better life!

 

I believe that MM's wife saw your FB messages. Please don't get pulled into the weeds of arguing with posters who want to make things more complicated. I also contacted exMM's wife, in part, to end the ridiculousness. Not every BW wants to engage the OW. No response is not proof she didn't get your message. Be super glad for the lack of drama

 

Advice from someone a few months out from your situation:

1. Keep the FB lines of communication open for another month for her to ask any questions, then close this chapter of your life permanently by blocking her and your mutual friend.

 

2. Your saga with your now exMM is over. Be strong. The healing process DOES take time and you will still feel love for him for a long time. That doesn't mean you should allow him to weasel his way back in. Please block him from texting, calling, or emailing you. Any further contact only rips open your wounds. Do it for YOU.

 

3. For the love of all that is holy, please don't allow him to see you in a few weeks.

 

4. Come here for support. Listen to the harshest advice. Sometimes it is the best.

 

You are a little bit older than me but let me say that life does go on beautifully when you make GOOD CHOICES. I ended things with exMM and now I am in a relationship with an amazing, SINGLE man who puts me first. This past weekend I spent a day at a family party with him, his mom, and his sister with all the little nieces and nephews running around our legs. We are planning our dishes for the family Thanksgiving already. It is night and day from the nightmare of being an OW.

 

DON'T beat yourself up for believing your exMM. Just move forward with love and grace in your heart and you will be OK. You are human. You loved. You are not perfect. You have the rest of your life in front of you, and it can be incredibly happy. Cry those tears but also smile. YOU ARE FREE!!!!:love:

 

Thank you. I need to pull myself together. I couldn't go to work again today. I am just broken right now. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this. I guess I just thought he really was genuine. His silence is killing me. How many times did he wipe my tears and tell me it was going to be OK, when I looked him in the eye? I told him I can't do this with him unless there is a future. I really am just having a really hard time imagining how he could have lied right to me. Why didn't he stop making trips to see me? Why does he have one in two weeks. (which I am sure he has cancelled.) This message board is helping, but I am still so sad.

[Donesharing]

You keep saying you know him. You've known him for the past 36 yrs, since you were a teenager. You don't know him.

 

 

 

If he really had planned to be with you then he would have already been working towards that even before his last kid left for college. He would have known where he was going to work, where he was going to live, how he was going to manage his funds and the divorce. He was saying he was going to leave as soon as the kids were in college but he hadn't taken even one concrete step towards that. He didn't have a clue on how to leave because he was never planning on leaving.

 

 

I think it's good you told his wife, even if it was for revenge or to try to force the MM to leave, she still needed to know. Also it freed you from spending even more time invested in his charade. Give yourself some time to heal and then focus on men closer to home. Most middle aged men who are serious about finding a long term relationship and making a commitment don't want to do long distance dating.

 

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. I tend to believe people that say they love me. I can't understand if it was just an A for him, why he didn't find someone local? Why me so far away, and why so much time texting? If it was about sex then why the deep rooted friendship too? I am still really struggling with that.

[Donesharing]

I simply meant that it is unfair for anyone to be treated shabbily. We all deserve happiness. I didn't used to feel bad for my guy's ex. I thought she was getting what she deserved for neglecting him so long. But I feel terrible about being part of that now. But... she DID neglect him. And he should have walked because he deserves happiness too. We both wish he had done it before the A. I don't know if she would have handled the divorce better if the affair hadn't happened, but it was not my place to find out. But the thing is, his ex deserves happiness too. Now she is free to find it she chooses.

 

I do not believe in being unhappy. OP should not have to be unhappy in her relationship whatever that is. If my affair had made me a miserable person I would have walked. And it as unfair of OP's MM to ask her to go through misery.

 

We all want to believe that the person we love, loves back and want what is best for us. If we go by your statement, when someone finds out their spouse cheated and they stay to work it out, and are then miserable, their misery is their own fault because they knew their spouse did not have their best interests at heart.

 

I actually had this conversation a few weeks ago with him. He had said it was so hard to actually make it happen. I told him that his wife deserved happiness too, and he didn't love her she deserved to find someone that did. he agreed. But, he did say over and over he was afraid he would lose his kids. I asked him, "How do you lose adult children?" They will be upset, but in time they will be ok, because they love you and you have been there for them their entire lives. You have to talk to them and tell them what you have felt and why you stayed with her, it was because you were committed to them. " He agreed, but apparently still couldn't get to that point.

[HBIC]

Thank you. I need to pull myself together. I couldn't go to work again today. I am just broken right now. I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this. I guess I just thought he really was genuine. His silence is killing me. How many times did he wipe my tears and tell me it was going to be OK, when I looked him in the eye? I told him I can't do this with him unless there is a future. I really am just having a really hard time imagining how he could have lied right to me. Why didn't he stop making trips to see me? Why does he have one in two weeks. (which I am sure he has cancelled.) This message board is helping, but I am still so sad.

 

The difficult to understand truth (and truth is what you wanted/want) is that your exMM lies because deep, deep, deep down he is empty inside. The attention of other people (you, his W, his kids) fills up that emptiness. Some MM will go to astronomical lengths to keep the cake eating rolling along. Somewhere in that process they lose themselves in their own lies. With his W, in his own mind he was committed to her. With you, he believed in a fantasy future with you.

 

The bottom line is that this cheating MM, like most MM, is a deeply messed up person. It IS hard to wrap your head around because clearly you are a forthright person who doesn't treat people as "entertainment." Keep reading all the great advice here and it will make more and more sense that this guy is not worth your tears.

 

The silence is killing you because you got caught up and addicted to the affair dynamic which is there-not there-there-not there etc. or hot-cold-hot-cold-hot-cold. He is "cold" now. When it suits HIM, he will switch back to "hot." Do yourself a big favor: go NC, pass through the hell of withdrawal, and heal.

 

If you want to delve into the psychological aspect of what your exMM did and why you feel like such a mess, google "narcissistic abuse."

 

Lots of hugs to you. Be kind and REALLY patient with yourself right now. Healing takes time:love: