New here and need some support [new update]

[Donesharing]

Off topic a bit, but since I am OP, I think I can?

 

I watched the movie the other night "The Other Woman" quite entertaining really. Plus I was in the right state of mind for it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Off topic a bit, but since I am OP, I think I can?

 

I watched the movie the other night "The Other Woman" quite entertaining really. Plus I was in the right state of mind for it.

 

I enjoy that one.

[Donesharing]

I need to say this here, so I don't text it to him. Here is the stuff I would say right now out of anger...

 

1. You need to man-scape.

2. After you eat garlic, use mouthwash.

3. You have man boobs.

4. you aren't that special.

5. You really deserve to be alone.

6. you are as sh**ty as you were in High school.

7. I trusted you.

8. I trusted your words.

9. I trust someone that tells me they love me, and wipes my tears..promising things will get better.

10. You don't deserve your wife, after telling me how horrible of a wife she has been and that you never wanted to marry her in the first place. I am sad for her.

11. You aren't above the law, because you work in law enforcement.

12. Karma is ruthless and you will see.

13.Do Not Fu...k with peoples hearts.

14 You aren't that special.

15. I am glad I blew this out of the water, so i know who you are and so does your wife.

16. I am glad I am me and not her.

[Donesharing]

I need to say this here, so I don't text it to him. Here is the stuff I would say right now out of anger...

 

1. You need to man-scape.

2. After you eat garlic, use mouthwash.

3. You have man boobs.

4. you aren't that special.

5. You really deserve to be alone.

6. you are as sh**ty as you were in High school.

7. I trusted you.

8. I trusted your words.

9. I trust someone that tells me they love me, and wipes my tears..promising things will get better.

10. You don't deserve your wife, after telling me how horrible of a wife she has been and that you never wanted to marry her in the first place. I am sad for her.

11. You aren't above the law, because you work in law enforcement.

12. Karma is ruthless and you will see.

13.Do Not Fu...k with peoples hearts.

14 You aren't that special.

15. I am glad I blew this out of the water, so i know who you are and so does your wife.

16. I am glad I am me and not her.

 

Sorry, in the Anger stage...Kubler Ross stages of Grief. DABDA Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... They don't come in any particular order, so I hope I will be in Acceptance very soon!!

[HeartDesires]

Sorry, in the Anger stage...Kubler Ross stages of Grief. DABDA Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... They don't come in any particular order, so I hope I will be in Acceptance very soon!!

 

You can't go around the stages the stages of grief you have to go through them.....

 

LOL@ man-scape

[Donesharing]

You can't go around the stages the stages of grief you have to go through them.....

 

LOL@ man-scape

 

I do need to go through them. This board has been a God-send, truly!!! xo xo xo

[whichwayisup]

I got a random message from MM. "I need to work on my marriage, and my family. I love my wife, please leave her out of this and stop contacting her. "

 

 

I haven't contacted her again, so what the F?

 

I had to reply.

 

I am not contacting her and I haven't since the time you know about. I am ashamed of myself for trusting you. I am glad I am me and not her."

 

then...I had to add some sarcasm..."So doe this mean you aren't coming out her next week?"

 

He says, "no I am not. never was it is over." then five minutes later,

"I love my wife and that's what I am working on."

 

I didn't respond. I am done, and I am feeling very FREEEEEEEE right now. She is the one that has to live with him. I am doing great today...all of the sudden something clicked. I don't know what. I have been praying.

 

My estranged son called me today and apologized and told me he loved me! God works in amazing ways when you do the right thing.

 

I am so OK today!!!

 

Block them both now. Delete and block or change numbers if need be, same goes for your email address.

 

Congrats about your son. That's a real positive in all this mess going. I believe some things happen for a reason and your son reaching out to you is fantastic!

[Donesharing]

Block them both now. Delete and block or change numbers if need be, same goes for your email address.

 

Congrats about your son. That's a real positive in all this mess going. I believe some things happen for a reason and your son reaching out to you is fantastic!

 

I think so too. He is 23 and has not spoken to me since April, not even for mother's day. It think it is pretty ironic that he called me and apologized today and told me he misses me. Weird on timing, but very helpful to me right now. There are no coincidences.

I really don't ever want to hear from my xMM again. There is something going on in their world that must be miserable. Why would he randomly accuse me of contacting her. She must be saying things to get information from him. I did not contact her. Anyway, again...I am glad I am me and not her. I can move on, she will have a lot more to deal with. Again, thanks for the support here On LS! It really is helping so much!

[whichwayisup]

I think so too. He is 23 and has not spoken to me since April, not even for mother's day. It think it is pretty ironic that he called me and apologized today and told me he misses me. Weird on timing, but very helpful to me right now. There are no coincidences.

I really don't ever want to hear from my xMM again. There is something going on in their world that must be miserable. Why would he randomly accuse me of contacting her. She must be saying things to get information from him. I did not contact her. Anyway, again...I am glad I am me and not her. I can move on, she will have a lot more to deal with. Again, thanks for the support here On LS! It really is helping so much!

 

You two have a bond, one that never went away. Embrace it and enjoy!

 

As for exMM and his wife, well, he made this mess and now he's gonna suffer for it..I do feel sad for his wife, she didn't deserve any of this.

[Donesharing]

You two have a bond, one that never went away. Embrace it and enjoy!

 

As for exMM and his wife, well, he made this mess and now he's gonna suffer for it..I do feel sad for his wife, she didn't deserve any of this.

 

I feel badly for her too. I always thought she was all about her, and selfish, from what he said. He made it sound like she did nothing at home and he did everything. I am sure that was all part of the plan to make me think he was this great guy, that stayed with this horribly lazy wife for the kids...The lies are really starting to hit me. He really is good at this. I am sure I am not the last victim. Poor her, if she stays. Lesson learned for me.

[Mount]

Hey WWI, apparently so many similiar stories here you must have read,which means so many wives are "deserving" their wayward husbands. NOt sure what dynamic behind the door, I guess they choose to stay and be in the marriage.

 

You two have a bond, one that never went away. Embrace it and enjoy!

As for exMM and his wife, well, he made this mess and now he's gonna suffer for it..I do feel sad for his wife, she didn't deserve any of this.

[Donesharing]

Hey WWI, apparently so many similiar stories here you must have read,which means so many wives are "deserving" their wayward husbands. NOt sure what dynamic behind the door, I guess they choose to stay and be in the marriage.

 

I just think that some of these MM can convince their wives that they were just being "stupid" I know this MM was after me for a decade, I can hardly say that was just a dumb mistake. That is what he wants her to believe. I cannot and will not give her any more information. I think that makes me look like the jealous jilted psycho. I do feel badly for her. I know stuff that she doesn't...if that makes any sense? I know what he said about her, I know of some of what he did between marrying her and this mess... No longer my business or ever really was.

[gettingstronger]

No longer my business or ever really was.

 

 

So true and such great insight- I think when it comes to these situations where the end is just a jumble of lies and drama-this is your best option- I hope you continue to believe the above so you can move on!

[Donesharing]

I agree that it sounds like she took over the texting.

 

Opps...I did have three contacts. The initial, the apology the next day and then I gave her a little more information with the timeline. Maybe that was too many contacts? But, the third contact with the timeline seemed to be the real d-day. Before, that he had text me telling me he didn't lie to me, and it didn't use and he meant everything. Then after I gave her a timeline all heck broke loose and they did that joint texting. (I am convinced she was either doing the texting or asking him to say certain things.) Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that in my foggy head, I was wrong when I said two contacts.

 

Anyway, done deal now. I am feeling pretty good. I got blood work and a mammogram done today, I had the MD order since April! And I got to the eye doctor which I have needed to do for a very long time. I am looking at the history of this relationship and I really was depressed and stuck in the mud, so to speak. I was not taking care of myself very well. I am glad I ended it. I really am. Looking back I wouldn't change what I did, contacting her. He and I knew what was going on why shouldn't she be able to know too, so she can fix or leave her marriage.

[Atticus9292012]

I am glad you're healing and I'm glad it's over, but I just really hate that you involved the wife. I just feel like that was selfish. That was about you clearing your conscience and not thinking of anyone else's feelings. Having been in that situation as a wife, that's not at all how'd want to find out. You should have left him to deal with what he'd done on his conscience and work out his own marriage or end it. I don't think you're a bad person. Who among us has not believed someone we loved and not found out later we couldn't trust them? I can condone believing someone and they betraying you, but what you did was intended to cause pain. I completely get why.

[Donesharing]

I am glad you're healing and I'm glad it's over, but I just really hate that you involved the wife. I just feel like that was selfish. That was about you clearing your conscience and not thinking of anyone else's feelings. Having been in that situation as a wife, that's not at all how'd want to find out. You should have left him to deal with what he'd done on his conscience and work out his own marriage or end it. I don't think you're a bad person. Who among us has not believed someone we loved and not found out later we couldn't trust them? I can condone believing someone and they betraying you, but what you did was intended to cause pain. I completely get why.

 

I can't really tell you myself WHY I told her. I know I was DONE. I tried to just break things off with him and he always promised me he was leaving and everything would get better soon. For my own self I had to know if he really would leave and I forced the outcome. I guess without psychotherapy I can't give the answer. I do know if I was in her shoes, no matter what way I found out I would want to know. I know it is a horrible thing to find out. But, I would rather be able to heal knowing the truth. It is hurting her even if she didn't know. I can't tell you if was out to hurt her. I might have been wanting to hurt him? Either way, I have had enough friends with cheating spouses and once they found out they either left or was able to go to marriage counseling and fix what was broken...or get the strength to leave. It is hard to walk away from a marriage, even if it is a bad marriage. My marriage wasn't bad, more like indifferent, but my ex had no interest in going to marriage counseling. He told me "You are the one with the problem not me." He was a perfectly good provider, and a great father. But, when we got to the point of him leaving he chose to leave rather than try. Both of us are unmarried and we are friends and are able to co-parent. He got married and divorced since our divorce. I would never go back to him, but I am glad he is the father or my 4 children. No drama, no issues. His girlfriend and I are totally fine being in the same place together. And I obviously don't have a boyfriend at this time. Everything happens for a reason. In the long run, I really think the truth will never ultimately be the wrong thing to give someone. You don't think I care about my own reputation? She could tell everyone what I did with her husband. I am willing to risk that for the truth.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Donesharing

[Donesharing]

Having a rough day for some reason today. I just keep playing all of our conversations about the future in my mind. I mean, what seemed to me like real plans. Places we want to go, where we would live. Why did he cry tears when he left me the last time he was here, and already made the plan to come back in 6 weeks. I don't think grown men fake crying. Ugh. Just so many things that I keep thinking about. I just wish I knew if they were all lies, or if when it just came down to it, he is unhappy, but couldn't bring himself to really leave. I know it probably doesn't matter, but I just wish I knew the truth.

[MatchStick]

Donesharing: I am 57 or so, and not too long ago, finished an EMR. My story sounds very familiar to your own. Like my xMM, I am married and had no intention of leaving. So that puts a twist on things, and I have insight.

 

 

There is no doubt this man liked you very much. His life and his marriage has aspects that keep him there. It's called 'the balance sheet', and you really can't compete with that. Plus, the longer you stayed, the more he wasn't going to divorce. Why should he? He could have two to met his needs.

 

 

Secondly, this guy has real emotional problems. As far as your association, it was what it was when it was and not it is no more. You probably dodged a bullet, and just don't know it yet.

 

 

These relations need to be resolved the sooner the better. I myself pushed for resolution, and was glad I did. He's gone, into NC world, and I'm glad for it. I'm not leaving my life, and I know he has invested interests in not leaving his and I know he's not in love with BS anymore.

 

 

There are forums to help you get over this and on-track with your life. First thing I did was reinforce my own boundaries. I had no intention of carrying on with this 'other', but eventually I did emotionally. I know for sure that if I do ever get out in the field again, married me are completely off the menu.....old friends or not.

 

 

It's about options. It's about how I want to live me life: I want to go to weddings and not carry around some guy's unhappy secrets from his family life, I want to go to picnics with friends and relatives, I want to pal around with my special other, and not worry about dodging 'knowing eyes'.

 

 

What I did was close it down, went NC, learned about what got me there and what got me out, experienced the joy that I have a lot of life ahead, glad to what we had, and since it couldn't be, glad to see it go, and moved on knowing I did my best. Please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure he loved you, but just wasn't unhappy enough to really end it. From what I know now, once really faced with marital termination, they balk.

 

 

You don't want to go through that anyway. If he really wants a life with you, he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, divorce final, ink dry, and then he's truly emotionally available. All that other stuff you saw was him twirling about the kids, finances, plans, history, family, social pressure.....hey.....take care of you and keep those options open!!

[Donesharing]

Donesharing:

 

 

 

 

It's about options. It's about how I want to live me life: I want to go to weddings and not carry around some guy's unhappy secrets from his family life, I want to go to picnics with friends and relatives, I want to pal around with my special other, and not worry about dodging 'knowing eyes'.

 

 

What I did was close it down, went NC, learned about what got me there and what got me out, experienced the joy that I have a lot of life ahead, glad to what we had, and since it couldn't be, glad to see it go, and moved on knowing I did my best. Please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure he loved you, but just wasn't unhappy enough to really end it. From what I know now, once really faced with marital termination, they balk.

 

 

You don't want to go through that anyway. If he really wants a life with you, he needs to end his marriage on his own terms, divorce final, ink dry, and then he's truly emotionally available. All that other stuff you saw was him twirling about the kids, finances, plans, history, family, social pressure.....hey.....take care of you and keep those options open!!

 

Thank you. Very good points. I am doing OK with the NC right now, I just know yesterday was a great day, and today I am a little down. I know it's a process though. I too want to be able to spend time with someone that can meet my friends and family, and enjoy the precious time me have left on this planet. I am sticking to my NC. I have to.

[MatchStick]

Donesharing: if your AP was really doing to leave his wife, here is what I would have done: a. given it a time limit. If things weren't really moving that was in a predictable amount of time: 6 months to like 2 years, then break it off. You could say, and I elected not to: if that relation is ever over, and you are still interested, we'll re-evaluate after divorce is final and ink is dry.

 

 

For myself, I simply said goodbye.

 

 

I know it feels like you are pressuring them, but you really aren't. I know you think you'll drive them off if you pressure them, but you will not. As long as they can stall, in my view, most xMM will stall. Those that really want out will usually ask you to do something like wait it out while the nasty break up is in progress. If this guy isn't/wasn't going to be fair to you, what could have done to be fair to yourself.

 

 

a. telling the wife is a normal reaction, but doesn't help that much.

b. let him know he has a time line, and/or break it off if he doesn't step up. I know it feels like you are being demanding, but you aren't. For me, it was knowing when to get off the pot........and my guy was very good at obscuring that aspect.

c. My guy wanted to reconcile with his wife after she 'found out'. It's complicated, but in short, he wanted to stay in contact with me. I said 'no'. He wanted to know if I see how I felt when he came back into town in another three months. I said, 'no'.

d. He came into town, and tried to call. I didn't answer. He wants to write, he's been 1. blocked and 2. I made it clear I would either not respond or include his wife in the conversation.

 

 

It was hard at first, but things got better. I don't need the messy, the insanity, the waffling, the hemming and hawing........internalizing the stress, and all the second place considerations that seem to come with this. Life is so much better.........and I did enjoy my time, innocently began, with my xMM. Too bad it didn't survive, but that's not the first relation that (for mutual best) had its moment, and was best let go.

 

 

Good luck, and please take care of you.

[Donesharing]

Donesharing:

 

 

It was hard at first, but things got better. I don't need the messy, the insanity, the waffling, the hemming and hawing........internalizing the stress, and all the second place considerations that seem to come with this. Life is so much better.........and I did enjoy my time, innocently began, with my xMM. Too bad it didn't survive, but that's not the first relation that (for mutual best) had its moment, and was best let go.

 

 

Good luck, and please take care of you.

 

Yes, I would rather not have him in my life if I have to share him. It just got to that point with me. He did say from the very start he was going to leave her. Anyway, we know how that went. You know what did it for me was now that they became empty nesters, I expected to see some transitioning. But, three weekends in a row they went to the kids colleges together to see the football games. (their kids are not football players, but the youngest is in the band.) Now I know this was "for the kids" like he said, and my ex husband and I go to some of our kids sports and choir and that stuff together. I understand that part, and if they were separated or divorced it wouldn't have gotten to me. Thing is seeing the pictures of them all happy together and the crap about him saying she knew that once the kids were gone he would be gone. Well, obviously my gut was right and that wasn't true. Maybe I pushed to early or too hard, but I know if he didn't do it soon, the holidays would be an excuse, then spring break and then the kids home for the summer and it would then be me here waiting for another year. I also did figure if he really did intend to leave than this would have done it. I wasn't expecting that though, I was expecting what did happen and she was crushed and he choose her. I am too old to wait for empty promises.

[Donesharing]

And for the record, he has not once told me not to contact him since this whole thing imploded. He did however, tell me not to contact his wife again. And the last text he sent me said he was "Working on his marriage." That was Tuesday and I didn't reply. That was the true start of my NC. They can Have at it, and good luck with that. Still irks me how he still lied to her about a lot of our relationship and made it look like I was out to break up his marriage from the start, and I actively went after him. Whatever. How does that help anything. At this point why not just give it all up for the sake of saving your marriage. Why continue with more lies. Ok again, not my problem. I am rambling.

 

Why is it easier for them to ask for forgiveness of meaningless sex, rather than passionate love? Does admitting you told another woman you love her hurt more than him just being a Ho? Do more wives keep their husband if they think he never loved the OW?

[Bootsie]

... Still irks me how he still lied to her about a lot of our relationship and made it look like I was out to break up his marriage from the start, and I actively went after him. Whatever. How does that help anything. At this point why not just give it all up for the sake of saving your marriage. Why continue with more lies. Ok again, not my problem. I am rambling.

 

Why is it easier for them to ask for forgiveness of meaningless sex, rather than passionate love? Does admitting you told another woman you love her hurt more than him just being a Ho? Do more wives keep their husband if they think he never loved the OW?

 

 

Just addressing some points from this.

 

 

1. From your posts it seems you were very interested in his marriage breaking up. From the perspective of a BW (which I was) when an OW is having an A with my H with the expectation he will leave me then she's very much interested in breaking up my marriage (irrespective of what he told her about it).

 

 

2. In my case my fWH admitted he loved the OW, he never claimed it was meaningless sex. As a BW if one is reconciling a marriage after a several years' long affair, then to be successful there's no point in burying one's head in the sand and pretending there weren't genuine feelings.

 

 

3. The condition of the BW offering the "gift" of reconciliation is often that NC be implemented and that the WH keep the BW informed of all communications that do occur. In your case it sounds as though the MM has asked you not to contact his BW (but not him) and has almost certainly promised her NC. If he's still in communication with you and/or isn't keeping his BW informed of every communication that does occur then it really does sound as though he's still in affair mode, which means he's still lying to his BW and may not be genuinely remorseful. If this is the case, then when you were told he was a compulsive liar, you'd best believe him.

[Donesharing]

Just addressing some points from this.

 

 

1. From your posts it seems you were very interested in his marriage breaking up..

 

Yes, I was told he would be leaving her. So, that was my expectation. But, when he sent a message last weekend, which I still believe she was right there it said, "Wasn't that your intention from the start, to break up my marriage.?" That was just mean to say, since he is the one that flew 2000 miles to have a drink with me and start the affair in the first place. He tried to start it in 2004. It was a one night thing, after that I didn't see him when he came out here. Then Jan 2013, he flew out here again and told me the only reason he takes his business trips here is to see me, and the last few times I blew him off. I didn't intend to break up his marriage, he told me it was a crappy marriage and he had always planned to leave when the kids all left home. In hindsight, I should have said, "Great! Look me up when you are divorced." sigh.

[lovedandlostit]

Yes, I was told he would be leaving her. So, that was my expectation. But, when he sent a message last weekend, which I still believe she was right there it said, "Wasn't that your intention from the start, to break up my marriage.?" That was just mean to say, since he is the one that flew 2000 miles to have a drink with me and start the affair in the first place. He tried to start it in 2004. It was a one night thing, after that I didn't see him when he came out here. Then Jan 2013, he flew out here again and told me the only reason he takes his business trips here is to see me, and the last few times I blew him off. I didn't intend to break up his marriage, he told me it was a crappy marriage and he had always planned to leave when the kids all left home. In hindsight, I should have said, "Great! Look me up when you are divorced." sigh.

This is what I experienced, I told BS as I was sick of not knowing.. He told her I just wanted to break them up? But missing the obvious is ... Why? Why would anyone who wasn't in an affair do that? He is the one cheating, so isn't he the one trying to wreck the marriage. I don't get how that line that YOUare trying to break his marriage!!! Like me, you are just putting the truth out there as it doesn't add up!!