New here and need some support [new update]

[peaksandvalleys]

I am still dying inside. I still feel so horrible. I called in sick again today to my job. I really can't function right now. Not so much because I miss my AP, but because I told the BW. It wasn't my place. I keep going over and over it in my head. It wasn't for me to do. My AP hasn't spoken a word to me since Monday morning when he text me, "You have no idea what I am going through, my life is over." I had no right to do this. I should have just ended it with him and walked away. Why did I have to cause more pain? I checked her FB page this morning and she changed her background picture from a family photo to just their children (all adults in college) and she changed her profile picture to her and a friend of hers. He must be beside himself and must hate me. I know he lives and breathes for his children. I can't understand why I had to cause more hurt. I really feel like a terrible person right now. I know the whole A was the wrong thing to do, but sometimes people don't need to know. I don't know? If he wanted to work it out and have a marriage, why didn't he let me go and tell me that? I would have walked away, sad, but walked away quietly. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

You should feel terrible. That is normal I would think. I would be more concerned if you did not care at all. So stick with the normal and work your way through it at your pace. He did not live and breathe for his children or if did he would not have done anything to put them in harms way. He was living and breathing a lie all the while forcing everyone else to live with the same lie. Now he can't control the actions of others. That is why he is angry. His control has been removed. My ex lost his mind literally. The woman he was in the affair with lost her control as well. I informed her BS and she really did not like that. He on the other hand was grateful that I didn't leave him in the dark.

 

We all need to know to be able to make the choices for our lives. I needed to know not just for my children but for financial and medical reasons. My ex and his affair partner felt the need to control the lives of several people while keeping those same people close in order to abuse. And no one can let you go. That is a active choice that you choose. Just like the active choice of being involved with a married person. Everyone deserves the right to make choices. You made one, now make another and you let you go.

[Pinklotus]

Oh, his life is over? Poor guy. Maybe he should have thought of the repercussions before getting involved with another woman. Tough luck for him. I wouldn't feel so guilty. It's done and you can move on, and they can too, one way or another.

[Donesharing]

Why do you feel so badly about telling her? Its probably good that she knows what was going on, and good that the exMM feels some well earned wrath. Are you feeling badly for telling because exMM is not talking to you now? Would you have the same regrets if he hadn't shut down communication?

 

 

Hang in there. I'm sure it will get better.

 

No I would feel bad even if he was still talking to me. I just feel like It wasn't my business to bare the news. I guess it was meant to be that way, because I still can't tell you why I did it. I keep trying to ask myself what I wanted to accomplish. The only thing I can think of was I just wanted the pressure off. I was getting really isolated and unhappy in my own life. I was always worrying about what they were doing together. I wanted to know for once and for all if he was future faking or if I mattered as much as he promised I did. I guess I was like a balloon and I just burst. That's how it feels anyway.

[Donesharing]

As an aside, I just want to say how helpful this thread is to all of us working through these issues. I've even re-read my own posts to "parent" myself a bit.

 

Donesharing, you are experiencing an inappropriate level of guilt for telling the BW. That is a classic symptom of depression, which is also 100% normal given what is going on in your life right now. If this level of pain persists, or you find that you cannot move forward, you should seek professional help. Please.

 

I told the BW about the A. (Her FB pic is likely still the happy snapshot of her and her husband. Who cares? FB is NOT REAL. It is marketing. Only they know what is going on behind closed doors.)

 

I feel terrible about the A, but here's all the reasons why I don't feel bad about telling her:

1. It ended the A with finality in my case.

2. She knows what her POS husband is capable of.

3. She can monitor her health given that he is a POS cheater.

4. She can now make decisions about her life based on the truth, not the lies of aforementioned POS.

 

And the biggest reason I don't feel bad, and why I consider my disclosure a gift to her (albeit a very painful one):

POS gaslighted her, as he gaslighted me. She can now know that the marriage issues during the A were because of POS (and me) and NOT because of her.

 

-----------------------------

If you don't stop the FB obsession, you will prevent your own healing. ExMM and his W are on a journey together that is for them to figure out. STAY OUT OF IT. Please. For your own sanity.

 

You have the power to choose things that make you healthy or that make you sick. C'mon, I know you are strong!!!!

 

Thank you. I see what you are saying. I do have a different sense of peace today. I know I am depressed. I just went to my own Dr. today for some other issues and also started a mild anti-depressant. I had been on it before when I went through my divorce. If I don't feel better soon, I will seek some psychotherapy. I am a strong woman, I always have been. I will get through this. I know I need to stay the heck off of her FB. It's doing me no good. Baby steps for me right now. This board has been a saving grace to me. I am glad that my thread is helping others. That makes me feel a little better. This all shall pass...sigh.

[Donesharing]

Oh, his life is over? Poor guy. Maybe he should have thought of the repercussions before getting involved with another woman. Tough luck for him. I wouldn't feel so guilty. It's done and you can move on, and they can too, one way or another.

 

All true. He was the one that started this affair. I was at a vulnerable place, soon after an engagement break up. He flew 2000 miles to find me and spend time with me. I was weak and lonely. ...and dumb.

[2sunny]

All true. He was the one that started this affair. I was at a vulnerable place, soon after an engagement break up. He flew 2000 miles to find me and spend time with me. I was weak and lonely. ...and dumb.

 

And the perpetrator will always search out the weak and vulnerable victim.

 

So now you know who he really is. And now you know how to avoid his type in your future.

 

So now you can move forward knowing you revealed some version of truth to his wife - as she did have every right to know truth.

 

And since he was totally willing to fly across the country to see you - make no mistake he also likely had others close to home.

 

He groomed you...until he knew for sure you were a willing participant.

 

Next time don't participate until you have evidence they have a divorce that's been final.

 

 

And don't respond when he finally communicates. He's just staying quiet now to minimize his penalty for bad behavior - but also to try and teach you to be quiet and behave the way he expected you to.

 

He will contact when the dust settles - and I hope you've learned that there's just no reason to try and resolve this with him.

 

 

Get some help with a trained professional! You could benefit by learning about your healthy boundaries and how not to hand any man all your power again.

 

Read up on what it looks like between a perpetrator and a victim. You need info that will help you never make this error again.

[Pinklotus]

All true. He was the one that started this affair. I was at a vulnerable place, soon after an engagement break up. He flew 2000 miles to find me and spend time with me. I was weak and lonely. ...and dumb.

 

After the pain will come clarity. And it feels so good! Hang in there.

 

I went on a very light dose of antidepressant during my EA and will remain on it for a few more months. The stress and anxiety takes its toll. I feel so much better now. I have no desire to contact OM. I wish him well but am so glad I escaped from a very toxic situation. You'll be glad, too.

[Donesharing]

If you don't know the story, here is the thread from the start.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/493832-new-here-need-some-support

 

I contacted her one more time. He text me last night and told me I was wrong about him using me. Then he went back to stealth mode. I was up all night crying and praying. Today I sent the BW one more message and gave her the timeline of everything.

 

Suddenly MM texts and tells me to leave her alone, that she is not healthy. Then he goes on to tell me that he never intended to leave her and he has always been a compulsive liar. He then acted really nasty to me and told me how could I have ever believed him. Are you kidding? I have known this guy since 9th grade and he now admits I meant nothing. After two years of promises? I feel so badly for his BW and I am broken inside. I really thought he was just chickening out, not that I was nothing to him. I totally HATE him right now and why did I trust him???? What is wrong with me?

[lovinDKT3]

I didn't read your entire thread, just the opening post. You haven't known him since the 9th grade, you knew him in the 9th grade. Since you have both changed and hardly remained in contact over the next 35 years. You have/had no clue who that guy is/was. You filled in a lot of gaps with "what you wanted to see" in him, of course making him the right guy.

 

Do yourself a favor and stop contacting them, you need to heal and move forward.

 

On a small side note, that phone call sounds like his wife was right there. Try not to take his attacks too personally.

[Donesharing]

It did sound like someone other than him at times, or he was being watched. True. At this point, I really don't care. I got the closure I needed today. I'm done with him. I feel sorry for her. I would rather be me than her right now. Time to learn a life lesson and move on. I actually do feel better. I can wipe my hands of him. She cannot.

[2sunny]

You still don't know that he's not intercepting the messages then responding to you to shut it down.

 

Either way he showed you what a big fat liar and user he is.

 

He's not leaving her!!! At least now you know for sure.

 

Start living!!! Don't give that jerk another thought! You never knew him - you only knew the liar version of him. It was an illusion.

[Lovemesomehim]

If you don't know the story, here is the thread from the start.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/493832-new-here-need-some-support

 

I contacted her one more time. He text me last night and told me I was wrong about him using me. Then he went back to stealth mode. I was up all night crying and praying. Today I sent the BW one more message and gave her the timeline of everything.

 

Suddenly MM texts and tells me to leave her alone, that she is not healthy. Then he goes on to tell me that he never intended to leave her and he has always been a compulsive liar. He then acted really nasty to me and told me how could I have ever believed him. Are you kidding? I have known this guy since 9th grade and he now admits I meant nothing. After two years of promises? I feel so badly for his BW and I am broken inside. I really thought he was just chickening out, not that I was nothing to him. I totally HATE him right now and why did I trust him???? What is wrong with me?

 

Now that you have released more of your pain unto his wife, please stop contacting her. You never know her state of mind right now and you continue to jab the knife further and further into her.

 

Focus now on you! What you thought was a meaningful relationship, was a lie. It's hard to deal with it and come full circle to face the truth but it must be done.

[whatatangledweb]

He may have done the texting without his wife knowing. He is probably pretty ticked that you have contacted his wife three times.

 

As a BS I am asking you to stop contacting her. If she wants to hear from you she would have replied by now. My husband's ex OW kept trying to contact first him then me. This went on for almost a year and a half. Neither of us ever replying back. We would just block the new way she came up with. We had new phone numbers, new emails addresses, no IM's. I had to close and open a new facebook page( something I needed for work). I had to close my linkin and google plus.(this was also due to the online stalking she was doing) I even went and legally changed my last name so she wouldn't be able to find me to harass me. I don't know the OW, never met her, and there is nothing I want to hear from her.

 

I am really sorry you have been hurt. Your affair is over and continuing to contact just opens more pain for the BS and for you. NC means no more hurts. Haven't you been hurt enough? You have to realize that he will say rude things to you now to try to hurt you and make you leave him alone. It's cruel of him. So please for your emotional well being, block both of them and keep yourself from being hurt more.

[Donesharing]

Very true. I just blocked them all from my FB. I am done. Hands are washed, and I am free to move on. Lesson learned. I honestly do feel sad for her. She has spent a lifetime with a cold hearted liar.

[whichwayisup]

If you don't know the story, here is the thread from the start.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/493832-new-here-need-some-support

 

I contacted her one more time. He text me last night and told me I was wrong about him using me. Then he went back to stealth mode. I was up all night crying and praying. Today I sent the BW one more message and gave her the timeline of everything.

 

Suddenly MM texts and tells me to leave her alone, that she is not healthy. Then he goes on to tell me that he never intended to leave her and he has always been a compulsive liar. He then acted really nasty to me and told me how could I have ever believed him. Are you kidding? I have known this guy since 9th grade and he now admits I meant nothing. After two years of promises? I feel so badly for his BW and I am broken inside. I really thought he was just chickening out, not that I was nothing to him. I totally HATE him right now and why did I trust him???? What is wrong with me?

 

He either is lying and getting you to HATE him so you'll leave him and his wife alone so he's being an a-hole, or he is telling who he is. A liar, a cheater, a user and a big prick!

 

Sorry you're hurting. Try to let go and not contact either of them again. There's no point, their life is a mess and it's fault. He's lashing out and being mean on purpose so it is best you block him everywhere.

[Mount]

If looking at it in differenent angle, your MM is doing you favor telling you who he really, what was his agenda all along. Believe him what he says.

 

Also I dont think OW contacting BS is a good idea, it will paint yourself as a crazy, bunny boiler stalker. Just do it anymore.

 

If you don't know the story, here is the thread from the start.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/493832-new-here-need-some-support

 

I contacted her one more time. He text me last night and told me I was wrong about him using me. Then he went back to stealth mode. I was up all night crying and praying. Today I sent the BW one more message and gave her the timeline of everything.

 

Suddenly MM texts and tells me to leave her alone, that she is not healthy. Then he goes on to tell me that he never intended to leave her and he has always been a compulsive liar. He then acted really nasty to me and told me how could I have ever believed him. Are you kidding? I have known this guy since 9th grade and he now admits I meant nothing. After two years of promises? I feel so badly for his BW and I am broken inside. I really thought he was just chickening out, not that I was nothing to him. I totally HATE him right now and why did I trust him???? What is wrong with me?

[Donesharing]

I won't do it any more. I am just broken by this. I made a huge mistake trusting him. Why did he waste my time and his? He could have gotten a hooker right in his own town. I still cannot wrap my mind around this interaction today. He even said that my plan from the beginning was to destroy his marriage. I never had a plan. I trusted that he was in a loveless marriage. I need to throw up again. I am so broken.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I won't do it any more. I am just broken by this. I made a huge mistake trusting him. Why did he waste my time and his? He could have gotten a hooker right in his own town. I still cannot wrap my mind around this interaction today. He even said that my plan from the beginning was to destroy his marriage. I never had a plan. I trusted that he was in a loveless marriage. I need to throw up again. I am so broken.

 

I'm so sorry... It's hard, beyond hard, when we have days like this. My heart is breaking for you.

 

I suppose one thing to consider is that he was being intentionally hurtful, hateful, and cruel because he was angry, because his spouse has been making his life hell, or because he knows of no other way to get you to go than to break you. Possibly it's because he is broken too, he's lashing out by breaking you.

 

There's no words that can fix what you're feeling, but I hope you're giving yourself time and space to mourn what's happen. There was a betrayal here, you have every right to be hurt, to mourn, and to feel it acutely.

 

What do you need from us to help you through this?

[whichwayisup]

I won't do it any more. I am just broken by this. I made a huge mistake trusting him. Why did he waste my time and his? He could have gotten a hooker right in his own town. I still cannot wrap my mind around this interaction today. He even said that my plan from the beginning was to destroy his marriage. I never had a plan. I trusted that he was in a loveless marriage. I need to throw up again. I am so broken.

 

He is doing that for his wife's benefit. Sorry but he threw you under the bus, it's obvious he's in blame mode and making it seem like you were the pursuer and you forced him into the A. What an ass.

 

Cry and cry it out. Just know that soon you will feel better...Actually I think you'll feel much better once the anger hits you! Hope that comes soon.

 

Do you have a trusted friend you can call or go see? Reach out and have some company right now. You shouldn't be alone.

[jellybean89]

Very true. I just blocked them all from my FB. I am done. Hands are washed, and I am free to move on. Lesson learned. I honestly do feel sad for her. She has spent a lifetime with a cold hearted liar.

 

Just know that anything he has said to you for the last 2 years has been a lie.

 

You have no idea what his marriage is like, what his wife is like, etc. Don't feel sorry for her - you weren't feeling that way when you were having an affair with her husband and I doubt had he picked you, you would feel sorry for her. Just leave her alone. She has done nothing to deserve your pity or anger. That is on the MM and you for choosing to have an affair.

 

Move on with your life. You have been given the chance to start anew - take it. Stop rehashing the past. Stop thinking he was the gift from above. Like lovingDKT3 said, you haven't known him since 9th grade - you and he haven't been in constant contact nor involved in each others lives all the years since then. You only know what he tells you - which you believed for whatever reason. A man who will lie to his spouse will also like to his mistress. Grieve the ending and work through the issues that led you to having an affair.

 

Good luck to you.

[Donesharing]

He is doing that for his wife's benefit. Sorry but he threw you under the bus, it's obvious he's in blame mode and making it seem like you were the pursuer and you forced him into the A. What an ass.

 

Cry and cry it out. Just know that soon you will feel better...Actually I think you'll feel much better once the anger hits you! Hope that comes soon.

 

Do you have a trusted friend you can call or go see? Reach out and have some company right now. You shouldn't be alone.

 

I walked over to my friend's house a little while ago. She is the only one that knows about this disaster. I am ok. I hope the anger mode hits me soon too. The sooner that, the sooner the acceptance. Thank you all for being here right now. I feel like a lunatic.

[Donesharing]

There's no words that can fix what you're feeling, but I hope you're giving yourself time and space to mourn what's happen. There was a betrayal here, you have every right to be hurt, to mourn, and to feel it acutely.

 

What do you need from us to help you through this?

 

Just being able to have a place to vent all this is very helpful. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

I walked over to my friend's house a little while ago. She is the only one that knows about this disaster. I am ok. I hope the anger mode hits me soon too. The sooner that, the sooner the acceptance. Thank you all for being here right now. I feel like a lunatic.

 

It will. Pray for it and it'll come! Really, focus on the bad parts of him, all the lies and manipulations he's said and done. Think about it, he isn't crying over you right now, so do your best NOT to waste too many tears on him. He isn't worth it and I believe much sooner than later, your heart and head will be on the same page and you'll dislike him quickly. Let the pain and anger close your heart and emotions towards him.

 

Glad you have a friend to talk to about this stuff.

 

You're welcome and keep venting!

 

PS If you have some stuff of his, BURN it. Might make you feel better.

[Donesharing]

I think I am more upset with myself for falling for this. I don't know how I was so naive? We stayed up for hours and talked to each other about everything. He said that his wife and him don't talk like that. I believed it. He said that he sleeps in the basement. He said that he never loved her, that she wanted to get engaged when her grandmother was dying so she could die knowing that she was happy. He said that next thing he knew she was planning a wedding. He said he left her 3 times, and the first time the only reason he went back was because she was pregnant. He said he does everything around the house and she is lazy and doesn't do house work. He said her income doesn't contribute much and he has to pay for everything. But, mostly he said he loved me. He said it first! He told me that same day when we were in Las Vegas that he would leave her when the last kid goes to college. That was almost two years ago. I just trusted him. I don't know why I did. I did though and I am so mad at myself. I really bought into his BS.

[whichwayisup]

I think I am more upset with myself for falling for this. I don't know how I was so naive? We stayed up for hours and talked to each other about everything. He said that his wife and him don't talk like that. I believed it. He said that he sleeps in the basement. He said that he never loved her, that she wanted to get engaged when her grandmother was dying so she could die knowing that she was happy. He said that next thing he knew she was planning a wedding. He said he left her 3 times, and the first time the only reason he went back was because she was pregnant. He said he does everything around the house and she is lazy and doesn't do house work. He said her income doesn't contribute much and he has to pay for everything. But, mostly he said he loved me. He said it first! He told me that same day when we were in Las Vegas that he would leave her when the last kid goes to college. That was almost two years ago. I just trusted him. I don't know why I did. I did though and I am so mad at myself. I really bought into his BS.

 

Some MM can be fantastic liars, and obviously he is one of them. He can separate his time with you vs his time with his wife. When he's with you, he's focused on you only, when he's at home, he's focused on his wife only.

 

People like him lie to get ahead, lie to get what they want. It's sickening and yes, you should have doubted him seeing as he was still living at home, still married, but he convinced you well. It is good you now see the red flags that were ignored...With that said, you loved him with your full heart and wanted to trust his words. Your emotions and heart probably wouldn't even allow yourself to doubt him..>Just like his wife , why would she suspect or doubt him since he is so good at lying?

 

Be mad, use that anger to help you get over him...He ain't worth it.