New here and need some support [new update]

[MidwestUSA]

op, why did you want to drag her through all these?

 

 

 

The BS deserves to know what a POS she's married to.

[jellybean89]

How do you know she blocks you and unblocks you?

 

Why do you stalk her FB?

 

Why do you keep texting the MM? If he wants to talk yo you, he will. Stop contacting the wife. HER life has been imploded by you and her husband. Leave her alone and let her deal with all of this.

 

I also don't believe he was ever going to leave the wife for you. Don't believe all the stories he has told you. You have no idea what their marriage was really like. I highly doubt he slept in the basement while his kids were living at home! He may be sleeping there now, at his wife's request.

[beach]

She may not have gotten the message - he may have intercepted it.

 

He's still making effort to be sure you will still be his OW.

 

I can't see one reason to respond to him - at all. As in never again.

 

He's a liar and a jerk.

[Donesharing]

How do you know she blocks you and unblocks you?

 

Why do you stalk her FB?

 

Why do you keep texting the MM? If he wants to talk yo you, he will. Stop contacting the wife. HER life has been imploded by you and her husband. Leave her alone and let her deal with all of this.

 

I also don't believe he was ever going to leave the wife for you. Don't believe all the stories he has told you. You have no idea what their marriage was really like. I highly doubt he slept in the basement while his kids were living at home! He may be sleeping there now, at his wife's request.

 

I was kidding about the stalking. We have a mutual friend. Comments and stuff show up. But, most of what she posts are public. I don't keep texting the MM. We have text hundreds of times a day for years. You know I had a bad marriage for 15 years. My ex husband and I did sleep in separate beds. It does happen. We stopped doing things together without the kids many years before we divorced and I was very lonely and very married. He refused to go to counseling for YEARS! And I stayed. I didn't know how to leave. I worried about hurting the kids, hurting my mother, and hurting my husband. But, when it came right down to it we were friends but should have never gotten married. Sometimes that does happen! I remember wanting the ring and the marriage, I was sick of dating. I was 21 and I didn't get that living together with someone that you aren't fully in love with would eventually fall apart. We are good friends now and have been divorced for 10 years. We get along great and talk all the time. I believe his purpose in my life was for us to grow, and to have 4 children together. My children adjusted and they love both of us equally. His girlfriend and I sit next to each other and talk at the kids activities. I have no ill will towards her or her towards me. He and I just married each other and we weren't right for each other. But, we co-parent well together and get along perfectly. Not every marriage is wonderful and some people fall out of love and don't feel very guilty when they know they aren't happy. It is so much more complicated that you seem to understand. We got through our divorce and both of us are so much better off and our kids are fine as long as we are as well. I lived in a home with parents that stayed married because that is what you did in those days. But, they fought non-stop and it was very stressful to us kids. Not everyone stays married and not everyone unhappy leaves. But, I think people need to be true to themselves and when they aren't happy they need to fix it or leave. If you stay there and are miserable why?

[curiousGeorge2]

The BS deserves to know what a POS she's married to.

 

She deserves to know only if she wants to.

 

The only motivation here that I can see is the revenge.

[Donesharing]

She deserves to know only if she wants to.

 

The only motivation here that I can see is the revenge.

 

It wasn't revenge. I love him. I hate that he is hurting. I was impulsive, but I think she deserved to make her own decision and know what was going on. It might not of been my place and I feel badly that I did tell her, because I am not a hurtful or hateful person. But, what is done is done now. And if I was in her shoes I would want to know. I really would. Anyway, it is done and I do feel badly for everyone. I can't go backwards.

[peaksandvalleys]

She deserves to know only if she wants to.

 

The only motivation here that I can see is the revenge.

 

I have asked this before and no one seems to want to answer. What is wrong with her knowing because of revenge. It won't change the person she is married to but it will give her the power to chose her life course with more facts than she had before the OP told her about the affair? I wish someone had hated me enough to tell me the truth before I invested my money, time, feelings and health in a lie of a relationship.

[peaksandvalleys]

It wasn't revenge. I love him. I hate that he is hurting. I was impulsive, but I think she deserved to make her own decision and know what was going on. It might not of been my place and I feel badly that I did tell her, because I am not a hurtful or hateful person. But, what is done is done now. And if I was in her shoes I would want to know. I really would. Anyway, it is done and I do feel badly for everyone. I can't go backwards.

 

It is just a shame you waited so long to inform her. As you say what is done is done and she has some more information to work with.

[curiousGeorge2]

It wasn't revenge. I love him. I hate that he is hurting. I was impulsive, but I think she deserved to make her own decision and know what was going on. It might not of been my place and I feel badly that I did tell her, because I am not a hurtful or hateful person. But, what is done is done now. And if I was in her shoes I would want to know. I really would. Anyway, it is done and I do feel badly for everyone. I can't go backwards.

 

Come on. You didn't bother to tell her before it became obvious he is not leaving her for you.

 

Your first message to her clearly showed your mindset at the time.

[whichwayisup]

. I didn't know how to leave. I worried about hurting the kids, hurting my mother, and hurting my husband.

 

So why is it you couldn't understand why your MM was dragging his heels leaving his wife? You weren't patient, he said when his kid goes off to college, yet you expected it to happen immediately. Maybe he felt the exact same way as you did years ago, and that's why he couldn't just up and leave, you stayed longer in your marriage. Fear of losing his kids, fear of them not loving him anymore, fear of losing respect of friends and family, that pressure got to him. Imagine if you were having to deal with someone pushing and pushing to make you divorce quicker.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. Just wanted you to give that some thought.

 

Edited to add... You left your H with no one waiting in the wings, right? Which is why you, your exH and his gf are all okay and get along. MM leaving his wife for you, well, it's much different and having a blended family may not work well. His wife won't be friendly and his kids, even young adults, may not accept you due to the circumstances of how you and their dad got together. (that is, if you and MM do end up together.)

Edited September 16, 2014 by whichwayisup

[beach]

So how do you expect you will respond when he comes back after the dust has settled for him?

 

He's obviously staying married. What do you plan to do?

[Donesharing]

So why is it you couldn't understand why your MM was dragging his heels leaving his wife? You weren't patient, he said when his kid goes off to college, yet you expected it to happen immediately. Maybe he felt the exact same way as you did years ago, and that's why he couldn't just up and leave, you stayed longer in your marriage. Fear of losing his kids, fear of them not loving him anymore, fear of losing respect of friends and family, that pressure got to him. Imagine if you were having to deal with someone pushing and pushing to make you divorce quicker.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. Just wanted you to give that some thought.

 

Edited to add... You left your H with no one waiting in the wings, right? Which is why you, your exH and his gf are all okay and get along. MM leaving his wife for you, well, it's much different and having a blended family may not work well. His wife won't be friendly and his kids, even young adults, may not accept you due to the circumstances of how you and their dad got together. (that is, if you and MM do end up together.)

 

Actually, my ex husband got married 9 days after the divorce was final and they started dating before he ever moved out of the house. I really don't know if anything was going on before this. Eventually, I didn't even care. She was the worst part of the entire ordeal. She tried to control all of our communications and she even tried to get a restraining order against me, which didn't fly, because I was not a threat. The blended family for them was what did them in. The kids felt in competition with her kids. I am not going all the way back to that story, but just to tell you I did live that nightmare. They divorced 4 years later after several break ups. He and I always got along unless she was around.

[beach]

I doubt he was "hurting" in his marriage. MM lie all the time to keep the OW around.

 

When a man WANTS to get divorced NOTHING will stand in his way.

 

He hasn't wanted to divorce - he may never want that.

[Donesharing]

So why is it you couldn't understand why your MM was dragging his heels leaving his wife? You weren't patient, he said when his kid goes off to college, yet you expected it to happen immediately.

Anyway, what's done is done. Just wanted you to give that some thought.

 

 

Maybe I didn't have patience. But, what my gut was saying to me was that this was going to drag on and I need closure. Maybe I should have waited longer? But, until when, the holidays pass, then they come home for spring break, then summer? There we are another year of waiting....I didn't have it in me. I found myself getting sadder and sadder and lonelier and lonelier. I want a life with someone and I tried to trust his words, but the bottom line is what is happening today. He is MAD AT ME! His life is over! It wasn't over when he kept talking about being with me in the future, but now that she knows his life is over? That speaks volumes of what the final outcome was going to be. Maybe I am wrong, and I sure am sad and very hurt. But, as some would say I deserve it.

[Donesharing]

It is just a shame you waited so long to inform her. As you say what is done is done and she has some more information to work with.

 

Maybe? I always felt he would do it at some point and I wanted to trust him. I did trust him. I really don't know what was the right thing to do. What I do know is that I wanted to put everything on the table. I needed to do that for me. I had to take care of my own self and I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know if I really was the love of his life like he said. I sure did find out that I was not. I am glad I know! He lives on the East Coast and I am on the West coast. He has a trip to come here two weeks from today. I couldn't bare to spend a week with him again and for him to go back home to his married life. It has gotten more and more painful each time. I just didn't have it in me without knowing the truth.

[Donesharing]

So how do you expect you will respond when he comes back after the dust has settled for him?

 

He's obviously staying married. What do you plan to do?

 

I can't continue with this. It's more painful to think of him living his married life than it is to miss him. I can't be second choice. I am too old and too tired for this.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I didn't have patience. But, what my gut was saying to me was that this was going to drag on and I need closure. Maybe I should have waited longer? But, until when, the holidays pass, then they come home for spring break, then summer? There we are another year of waiting....I didn't have it in me. I found myself getting sadder and sadder and lonelier and lonelier. I want a life with someone and I tried to trust his words, but the bottom line is what is happening today. He is MAD AT ME! His life is over! It wasn't over when he kept talking about being with me in the future, but now that she knows his life is over? That speaks volumes of what the final outcome was going to be. Maybe I am wrong, and I sure am sad and very hurt. But, as some would say I deserve it.

 

He is pissed because he was in control. You took that away from him and gave his wife all the power and now he has none. Though, he still has power over you (you said you'd take him in if he came to you) so who knows, maybe he will be yours soon enough, but by his wife's decision.

 

His life is over because he probably was going to sneak out of his marriage without telling her about you and the affair. so he wouldn't be the bad guy. Now he is and if she is bitter or pissed off enough, she is gonna make him suffer for a while.

[Donesharing]

He is pissed because he was in control. You took that away from him and gave his wife all the power and now he has none. Though, he still has power over you (you said you'd take him in if he came to you) so who knows, maybe he will be yours soon enough, but by his wife's decision.

 

His life is over because he probably was going to sneak out of his marriage without telling her about you and the affair. so he wouldn't be the bad guy. Now he is and if she is bitter or pissed off enough, she is gonna make him suffer for a while.

 

I said I would take him back if he came to me? I don't remember that. Maybe i would. I can't say that I wouldn't. It just isn't that easy, because my heart is telling me I love him. I am trying to be honest here, I have no reason to lie about what I might or might not do in this forum. I am really hurt right now to learn that he is mad at me. After all the words, and pillow talk, I really didn't think he would be mean to me. But, then again you never really know. I don't know. I am only human, and I am feel lied to and I am really, really, really sad about that. I am the person in the middle of this, so my feelings are guiding me. I wish they weren't.

[whichwayisup]

I said I would take him back if he came to me? I don't remember that. Maybe i would. I can't say that I wouldn't. It just isn't that easy, because my heart is telling me I love him. I am trying to be honest here, I have no reason to lie about what I might or might not do in this forum. I am really hurt right now to learn that he is mad at me. After all the words, and pillow talk, I really didn't think he would be mean to me. But, then again you never really know. I don't know. I am only human, and I am feel lied to and I am really, really, really sad about that. I am the person in the middle of this, so my feelings are guiding me. I wish they weren't.

 

Your words:

If they do break up and he comes to me that will be really hard for me to refuse. I am just being honest. I mean that was the entire plan up until yesterday when I revealed this.

 

Unless I read that the wrong way, certainly implies that you'd take him in.

 

 

Only he knows the 'truth' in the sense if he was truly leaning towards divorcing his wife and being with you or if he was just future faking and living a fantasy of wishes and desires but deep down knew it would never happen.

[Donesharing]

Your words:

 

 

Unless I read that the wrong way, certainly implies that you'd take him in.

 

 

Only he knows the 'truth' in the sense if he was truly leaning towards divorcing his wife and being with you or if he was just future faking and living a fantasy of wishes and desires but deep down knew it would never happen.

 

Oh, I see. Yes, I guess at this moment, because it was so fresh, it would be really hard to refuse. I might be stupid, but I only had this relationship, because I was promised a future with him. Like some people said, maybe he knew I wouldn't agree to it if it was just an affair so he lied. Right now I don't know. I really don't know what I would do or if he was genuine or future faking. It is all too fresh for me to say absolutely one way or another. I am still crying. Ya know?

[Donesharing]

Someone also asked how do I know she blocked and unblocked me. When I open my FB messenger on my phone her's was a silhouette when she blocked me and then when she unblocked me her profile picture was back.

[whichwayisup]

Give yourself that time to process everything and cry it out.

 

Write him letters but do not send them! Rip them up or delete them, depending if you use paper and pen or computer.

[Scarlet2]

What are you saying beforehand when he replies that his life is over? From most of the threads I've read on this forum, when the OW tells the W, the MM goes ape-poop crazy and throws the OW under the bus but from your post it makes him sound like he's sad and not angry at all. Almost like he's sad his life is over with you because you ended it, not because of his W knowing...

 

And I have to agree with a few of the posters, you got a little impatient. If he really was going to leave, it wasn't going to happen immediately after his kid went to college, it takes a little more time to get out. How long did your own divorce take...

[Donesharing]

What are you saying beforehand when he replies that his life is over? From most of the threads I've read on this forum, when the OW tells the W, the MM goes ape-poop crazy and throws the OW under the bus but from your post it makes him sound like he's sad and not angry at all. Almost like he's sad his life is over with you because you ended it, not because of his W knowing...

 

And I have to agree with a few of the posters, you got a little impatient. If he really was going to leave, it wasn't going to happen immediately after his kid went to college, it takes a little more time to get out. How long did your own divorce take...

 

Here is the text I sent this morning:

I can't eat or sleep. I believe that you decided that you can't leave your wife. I am glad I took the drastic step of contacting her and finding out the truth. I feel like such a horrible person for believing that you really were in love with me and really wanted to be with me as more than an affair. I am completely broken. I can't even function. No goodbye from you? I am in so much emotional pain. I don't know how to get through it. I love you.

 

His reply: You have no idea what I am going through. My life is over.

 

I take it as his kids are going to disown him or he fears they will. He has been a very hands on dad and his biggest fear that he verbalized all along was losing his kids. I don't think it is really about her or me, but about his kids.

[Bootsie]

... I am feel lied to and I am really, really, really sad about that. I am the person in the middle of this, ...

 

... I only had this relationship, because I was promised a future with him. Like some people said, maybe he knew I wouldn't agree to it if it was just an affair so he lied. ..

. I am still crying. Ya know?

 

 

I'm getting the impression you consider yourself the main "victim" in your situation (as per quotes above). Maybe you don't think that way at all but in any case, my own opinion is that his BW and children are the main victims here. Obviously even if you were promised a future it was still "just an affair" meanwhile...

 

 

I am a BW in the "opposite" position to you. My H had a years long affair with an OW. I know for a fact she was lied to but it doesn't change the fact that she voluntarily inserted herself into a still existing marriage. Just because she was "invited" does not mean she had to "accept" the invitation. Have you even thought about why you were so willing to enter into an affair in the first place.

 

 

Anyway my D-day (as a BW) was years ago now. My H suddenly didn't seem to want the OW any more once I found out. This was despite me discovering his ardent expressions of love for her only a few days earlier. I still don't understand it, as clearly once I found out, he was free to go to her, but no longer wanted to. I found myself with a H begging and pleading to stay with me, which was quite out of character for him.

 

 

It still seems incomprehensible to me that he didn't seize the opportunity.