New here and need some support [new update]

[Donesharing]

It sounds like he wants to stay with her if she'll let him but has also resigned himself to the possibility that she may leave him. Meanwhile he wants to do his best to keep you on the side just in case it doesn't work out with her.

 

 

This is not particularly atypical and I'm sad to say it's what my WH did too.

 

 

As for her looking at or following your board (whether it be a blog, a Facebook account or whatever); it's her right and most likely she'll continue to do it unless and until you make it more private, so she can't. I know I did and considered it a fairly minor form of revenge for the OW inserting herself into my marriage. Overall it's fairly trivial and she could do a lot worse to you, so you might just have to put up with this, or as I said make your pages and boards more private. If you contact him every time she does this then you're the one that's going to look unstable and bunny-boilerish.

 

Pinterest is different for some reason they don't have privacy settings. Either way, I have stuff on a certain board there that has to do with our relationship and she found it. She can't see my FB or much else of my life. I was doing pretty good and moving on, until she decided to pop up.

 

You know what gets me about this whole thing? If I didn't bust this open, she would still be in the dark and he would still be seeing me. I am not the bad guy by ending this.

[Donesharing]

Keep in mind, you were sleeping with her husband.

 

She got to you, how much better would it been had you ignored her? In not doing so you opened the door abit and allowed more pain and confusion in, with his mess. As if your just waiting around from her to maybe leave him, so he could then have you as if your some cheap third place fair prize.

 

NC means NC, you can't control what they do, control your reactions. No more contact right? No more being goated by her and no more cracks to allow his B.S. in.

 

I was sleeping with her husband who is a big fat liar and told me he was only staying in the home for financial reasons and until the kids went to college. I have a good friend that is divorcing and her husband and her still are under the same roof for the kids and for financial. It isn't unheard of. But, I did see signs and when they got to be too much, I got out.

 

But, you are right about NC. No matter what they do I shouldn't react. Needed that reminder.

[anika99]

Maybe it would help if you tried to keep things in perspective. You were sleeping with her husband and hoping every day for the demise of her marriage so you could have the cheater to yourself. Then you totally blew up her world by sending that terrible email to her. Then she found your pinterest board dedicated fully to the secret affair you were having with her husband. Yeah that last one was her fault because she went looking for you online but that's sort of normal for a betrayed spouse who is looking for the truth of their marriage. Seeing that pinterest board likely felt like a thousand more knives in her heart.

 

 

Now here's what she's done to hurt you, the woman who helped blow up her life; she clicked the follow button on your pinterest board.

 

 

You do yourself no favors by pretending that between your actions and her actions that you are the most injured party. Be real about this. Seeing your board was probably way more painful to her then following it was to you. You are not a victim in this. Stay away from them both and don't go contacting him over petty things like this hoping that he will tell his wife off for you. If you're serious about healing and moving on then be better than that.

[Donesharing]

Maybe it would help if you tried to keep things in perspective. You were sleeping with her husband and hoping every day for the demise of her marriage so you could have the cheater to yourself. Then you totally blew up her world by sending that terrible email to her. Then she found your pinterest board dedicated fully to the secret affair you were having with her husband. Yeah that last one was her fault because she went looking for you online but that's sort of normal for a betrayed spouse who is looking for the truth of their marriage. Seeing that pinterest board likely felt like a thousand more knives in her heart.

 

 

Now here's what she's done to hurt you, the woman who helped blow up her life; she clicked the follow button on your pinterest board.

 

 

You do yourself no favors by pretending that between your actions and her actions that you are the most injured party. Be real about this. Seeing your board was probably way more painful to her then following it was to you. You are not a victim in this. Stay away from them both and don't go contacting him over petty things like this hoping that he will tell his wife off for you. If you're serious about healing and moving on then be better than that.

 

Again, he was not honest with either of us. I believed him. Through our high school friends and the years I have known him, he has always been thought of as a great guy. I am more than willing to have a decent conversation with her, she has chosen not to do that. It's her decision. I am not the victim, but sometimes certain things can trigger feelings. None of this stuff is rational. Either way the two of them need to work on their marriage, if they are still together at this point, I would think that is their plan. I would not want to be in her position. I am sure it is very painful, and difficult. She thought she had a good marriage with a trusted husband. I can move on easy enough. But, no matter what I also have feelings and have been hurt even if you can measure her hurt as worse than mine. Who cares who hurts more. He damaged two people and we both need to heal.

[elaine567]

So, suddenly my xMM's BW starts following my Pinterest. Then she unfollows. Then she follows again, the board she follows was the one I had on there for the last year, it is all related to me and him. It has things that related to our relationship, places we have gone, songs we both loved and ones that reminded us of us. Just stuff. Just a nice little board for me, memories etc. I have also posted many things about moving on etc. No clue how she figured that out, but she picked that board to follow. She could have looked without following and I would have never known. But, she followed it! It made me so mad. I have been trying so hard to move on, I haven't contacted them. Even after he left me a VM I didn't reply. But, her showing me that she is "watching me." just brought everything to the surface. She has him, he choose her. They are together. I got sent away. After all the promises, he did not pick me. That does hurt and I have had to heal. I was making good progress. I sent him a message and said, tell your wife to leave me alone! I have left her alone. No one can move on if she is stalking me! He replied that he needs me to be patient. He doesn't want me to get hurt by this mess. He doesn't want to get the kids upset. He said he thinks she is leaving him and he is fine with it, but she will make everyone's life horrible if we don't just take a break from the drama. He wants me to just let things be and he will touch base later. WTF?! I didn't reply. I can't I was moving on. I don't want to be on hold. Ugh!! If they are breaking up what the hell does it matter. It sounds like he isn't positive they are breaking up and he wants to keep the peace on either end for whatever the final outcome is. Doesn't this sound like more BS? Anyway, thanks for listening. xo:sick:

 

This was not a board about kittens or pics of your favourite cake recipes or Italian Renaissance art, this was a board about you and HER husband. She followed you to warn you off and to let you know, "How dare you have your relationship with MY husband displayed on Pinterest for all to see, I'm watching you missy."

[the_artist_1970]

Again, he was not honest with either of us. I believed him. Through our high school friends and the years I have known him, he has always been thought of as a great guy. I am more than willing to have a decent conversation with her, she has chosen not to do that. It's her decision. I am not the victim, but sometimes certain things can trigger feelings. None of this stuff is rational. Either way the two of them need to work on their marriage, if they are still together at this point, I would think that is their plan. I would not want to be in her position. I am sure it is very painful, and difficult. She thought she had a good marriage with a trusted husband. I can move on easy enough. But, no matter what I also have feelings and have been hurt even if you can measure her hurt as worse than mine. Who cares who hurts more. He damaged two people and we both need to heal.

 

He didn't damage you, you damaged yourself by getting involved with a MM in the first place. I strongly suggest you do some soul searching and re-evaluate your boundaries with MM. The minute any MM starts talking about his M you should not only not listen but run like the wind. Don't even allow conversations like that to get started with men who are attached. It doesn't matter that he told you his M was bad. He was still M and that should have been the end of your story with him. If you don't strengthen your boundaries you will continue to get suckered into bad relationships.

[Bittersweetie]

I think it's time to delete the Pinterest board. It's not doing you or anyone any favors. For NC to be effective and healing, it has to be across the board...deleting all reminders.

 

Good luck.

[Bootsie]

Pinterest is different for some reason they don't have privacy settings. Either way, I have stuff on a certain board there that has to do with our relationship and she found it. She can't see my FB or much else of my life. I was doing pretty good and moving on, until she decided to pop up.

 

You know what gets me about this whole thing? If I didn't bust this open, she would still be in the dark and he would still be seeing me. I am not the bad guy by ending this.

 

 

OK I didn't realise there are no privacy settings but even so if you've set it up with complete visibility then this is what you've signed up for. If you don't want people to see it then either don't put it there or remove it if you've already put it there.

 

 

You say you are not the bad guy and are trying to say she is because she "popped up" on your board. From her perspective you are one of the bad guys for popping up in her marriage. It's that simple, so she no doubt feels entitled to pop up in your life when she can. You don't seem to get this, and are writing as if you're affronted by this. Of course her WH is also the bad guy, not just you...

[Donesharing]

I ended this A. I loved him and I still chose to end it for everyone's sake. At this point he stayed with her, but if I didn't end it he would still be cheating on her. He isn't some great guy that came to his senses. He got caught, suddenly he is the devoted husband. I don't get why anyone would stay with their WS if the thing only ended because he got found out?

 

It wasn't like I forced him to cheat. He flew 2000 miles many times to cheat.

 

As for her, I don't care at all. She never acted like she loved him. She always did her own thing. She constantly went on trips with her friends, or sisters. She never went to see his mother with him. But, she flew to their (our) same hometown separately to see her family. He could be in contact with me anytime anywhere. She wasn't paying any attention to him. When she took pictures over the last year he wouldn't stand by her, for my sake. He would stand by the kids. Because, the few times he did I was very hurt. When we were together, his phone never rang. She never called him while we were sightseeing, or alone together. If you don't pay attention to your husband he will wander. Men need attention and affection.

 

My relationship with him was very real to me. That pinterest board has no meaning to anyone except me. I have had it for a good part of the A. He knew it exsisted, I showed it to him last July. He didn't have a problem taking pictures with me that I posted on FB. He seemed to have one foot out the door with their marriage. So, as horrible you all think I am for being the OW, I trusted that he was getting out of his marriage.

 

So, he is the bad guy. I just trusted his lies. She wants to stay married to a compulsive liar, she shouldn't cry when he continues to hurt her, either with new things or things from the past that have already happened. If she wants to stay, she shouldn't start digging up bones.

 

I will think about deleting the board. Right now I am not ready to.

[MuddyRock]

So he pushes her away yet it's still her fault for not paying enough attention to him. Unreal.

When someone treats you like crap you get used to it. Yet in your mind you see it as she is being the bad spouse. Even after learning what he is capable of, you still think his marriage was horrible. You know what a marriage is right? There are ups and downs. Not every moment is bliss. It's WORK. By her honoring her vows in for better or worse you still find a way to belittle her by saying she is stupid for staying. I think you need to really open your eyes here.

It's incredibly selfish and disrespectful to not delete that board. You are leaving it to rub her nose in it at this point.

Edited November 19, 2014 by MuddyRock

[AlwaysGrowing]

Contacting the BS husband to tell him to tell her to back off....is passive aggressive. Having a public journal of your affair is extremely passive aggressive.

 

Your journal need not be public. You decided to....regardless if it is hurtful/humiliating to his wife.

 

Then got up in arms because she followed then unfollowed?

 

Heck, people click buttons/link by accident all the FREAKING time.

 

And as far as analyzing their marriage...unless both parties have invited you in, you listen to both sides (you know...what others might call the "whole truth") and do not have a dog in the race....you might want to question your own motives in your judgements.

 

Being mad at the BS is easy...it doesn't require anything of you. Being mad at the MM....requires action. Being mad at yourself....requires self-awareness, action and work.

[Bootsie]

I ended this A. I loved him and I still chose to end it for everyone's sake. At this point he stayed with her, but if I didn't end it he would still be cheating on her. He isn't some great guy that came to his senses. He got caught, suddenly he is the devoted husband. I don't get why anyone would stay with their WS if the thing only ended because he got found out?

 

It wasn't like I forced him to cheat. He flew 2000 miles many times to cheat.

 

As for her, I don't care at all. She never acted like she loved him. She always did her own thing. She constantly went on trips with her friends, or sisters. She never went to see his mother with him. But, she flew to their (our) same hometown separately to see her family. He could be in contact with me anytime anywhere. She wasn't paying any attention to him. When she took pictures over the last year he wouldn't stand by her, for my sake. He would stand by the kids. Because, the few times he did I was very hurt. When we were together, his phone never rang. She never called him while we were sightseeing, or alone together. If you don't pay attention to your husband he will wander. Men need attention and affection.

 

My relationship with him was very real to me. That pinterest board has no meaning to anyone except me. I have had it for a good part of the A. He knew it exsisted, I showed it to him last July. He didn't have a problem taking pictures with me that I posted on FB. He seemed to have one foot out the door with their marriage. So, as horrible you all think I am for being the OW, I trusted that he was getting out of his marriage.

 

So, he is the bad guy. I just trusted his lies. She wants to stay married to a compulsive liar, she shouldn't cry when he continues to hurt her, either with new things or things from the past that have already happened. If she wants to stay, she shouldn't start digging up bones.

 

I will think about deleting the board. Right now I am not ready to.

 

 

Yes I agree he is a bad guy in all this, and his wife may or may not have neglected him. Just from how you describe it, it seems it was he who was neglectful and she just made the best of her/their life as well as she could.

 

 

On the other hand you have little insight as to your own responsibilities in all this. You write like some sort of victim which you're not, at least from the perspective of many BSs on this forum and apparently from the perspective of the BW whose marriage you invaded.

[jellybean89]

Again, he was not honest with either of us. I believed him. Through our high school friends and the years I have known him, he has always been thought of as a great guy. I am more than willing to have a decent conversation with her, she has chosen not to do that. It's her decision. I am not the victim, but sometimes certain things can trigger feelings. None of this stuff is rational. Either way the two of them need to work on their marriage, if they are still together at this point, I would think that is their plan. I would not want to be in her position. I am sure it is very painful, and difficult. She thought she had a good marriage with a trusted husband. I can move on easy enough. But, no matter what I also have feelings and have been hurt even if you can measure her hurt as worse than mine. Who cares who hurts more. He damaged two people and we both need to heal.

 

Why in the world do you think she should be willing to have a decent conversation with you? You were the one having an affair with her husband! You willingly for over a year had an affair - yes, yes, yes, I know he said they were separating one day...but the point is you didn't tell him to hit the curb until he was DIVORCED. You chose to be his mistress. You keep making comments about her marriage

She thought she had a good marriage with a trusted husband

and YOU thought you had a love affair with someone elses husband! Do you not see the double standard you have?

 

I ended this A. I loved him and I still chose to end it for everyone's sake. At this point he stayed with her, but if I didn't end it he would still be cheating on her. He isn't some great guy that came to his senses. He got caught, suddenly he is the devoted husband. I don't get why anyone would stay with their WS if the thing only ended because he got found out?

 

It wasn't like I forced him to cheat. He flew 2000 miles many times to cheat.

 

As for her, I don't care at all. She never acted like she loved him. She always did her own thing. She constantly went on trips with her friends, or sisters. She never went to see his mother with him. But, she flew to their (our) same hometown separately to see her family. He could be in contact with me anytime anywhere. She wasn't paying any attention to him. When she took pictures over the last year he wouldn't stand by her, for my sake. He would stand by the kids. Because, the few times he did I was very hurt. When we were together, his phone never rang. She never called him while we were sightseeing, or alone together. If you don't pay attention to your husband he will wander. Men need attention and affection.

 

My relationship with him was very real to me. That pinterest board has no meaning to anyone except me. I have had it for a good part of the A. He knew it exsisted, I showed it to him last July. He didn't have a problem taking pictures with me that I posted on FB. He seemed to have one foot out the door with their marriage. So, as horrible you all think I am for being the OW, I trusted that he was getting out of his marriage.

 

So, he is the bad guy. I just trusted his lies. She wants to stay married to a compulsive liar, she shouldn't cry when he continues to hurt her, either with new things or things from the past that have already happened. If she wants to stay, she shouldn't start digging up bones.

 

I will think about deleting the board. Right now I am not ready to.

 

Yet, who stalked/stalks the wife's facebook? You.

 

Gently...you really don't know a dang thing about her.

She never acted like she loved him. She always did her own thing. She constantly went on trips with her friends, or sisters. She never went to see his mother with him. But, she flew to their (our) same hometown separately to see her family. He could be in contact with me anytime anywhere. She wasn't paying any attention to him. When she took pictures over the last year he wouldn't stand by her, for my sake. He would stand by the kids. Because, the few times he did I was very hurt. When we were together, his phone never rang. She never called him while we were sightseeing, or alone together. If you don't pay attention to your husband he will wander. Men need attention and affection.

How do you know if she acts like she loves him? She lives 2000 miles away from you.

She did her own thing? You mean, have a life? Just because 2 people are married doesn't mean they must be connected at the hip. She went on trips with friends? What is wrong with that? Visiting his mother? You do know that there are thousands of people who don't like their inlaws. For all you know, the mother-in-law could have said some hateful things to her. For all you know, the H could have requested to go alone, so he can have affairs? Not standing by her husband in a photo? Really? You yourself said you would have a tantrum if he stood by her (something she didn't know) and you blame her for not hanging all over him in a photo? Do you know many, many parents stand in between their kids when taking pictures? Maybe he told her he was in meetings, when you two were together, and to not call? Maybe they had an agreement that he would initiate calls to her, because of the time difference and all? You don't know anything about HER or HER marriage except what the lying cheater told you! And I would hope by now, you know he isn't trustworthy or loyal or a truth teller.

 

Men need affection or they wander off? You just set back women with that statement. No person should have to attach themselves to another person so their partner doesn't cheat. They have a long marriage...a L O N G marriage. Did they grow apart? Who knows? You don't. All you do know is he cheated on her with you. You don't even know how many times he has cheated. You don't know if HE is the one who signed up as HER to 'follow you' on Pinterest. He's a liar and a cheat. He can't be trusted.

 

Yes, you sent the wife an email letting her know of the affair. This affair ended because of both you and him. Had he called you, begged you and pleaded with you to continue..you may have - none of us will never know. You are hurting by his actions. You may want revenge. You may want him back. You seem to blame his wife for him cheating, which seems misguided and like 'sour grapes'. You aren't angry with him -- you are angry with his wife for ... not leaving him? Not calling you to discuss your affair? For not taking better care of her husband (in your mind)? For not attaching herself to him (which if she did, there never would have been an affair, since they were attached)?

 

You love/loved him - right or wrong - you loved/love him. It is okay to be angry at him for hurting you and in your mind misleading you about divorce. But you also have to own your own actions and behaviors. If you (general you) ever have to sneak around to be with someone, that should be the HUGE RED FLAG to you (general you). Some couples who are divorcing come to an agreement about 'separate' lives (dating others, living together as roommates, etc.) But as a rule, if you have to sneak around, it's an affair and probably not the smartest idea. Additionally, if you really wanted to know the state of his marriage, calling his wife might give you more answers.

 

Stop giving him power over you. Stop contacting him. DEFINITELY don't believe his crap about a divorce...and anyway, what he and his wife do now and in the future should have little to no impact on your life. Close the chapter and move forward.

 

I hope you can find peace and happiness in your life.

[georgia girl]

Donesharing,

 

 

I think that other posters are correct: you're hurt and angry, but that's more because he decided to stay, not because she followed your pinterest board. Also, I think your indignation is a bit of a stretch. You really harmed her. Yes, her husband was your partner in doing so, but the two of your harmed her. Badly. Way beyond words, I suspect.

 

 

Regardless, you were working so hard and doing so well in moving on. Please don't let this set you back. There is no future with this man. There's another thread on this board talking about how OW tend to make the MM the "most amazing man ever" partly because the relationship is so chase-related. So, if you get sucked back in to waiting, hoping, hiding, and believing again, what do you really get out of it in the end? More of a hidden relationship that goes no where?

 

 

Please, please, please don't cheat yourself. You deserve one partner who is focused solely on you. As your name says, you are DONE SHARING. Be done. Not for him, not to get back at his wife, but for you and your future.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[Donesharing]

I was and am moving on in my life. Her following my pinterest opened up the wound. That's all. I need to get off this board for awhile. I need to go back to moving on with my life.

[truncated]

I really hope you're just sayinga ll of this because you are hurting, , as otherwise, it's really convolutedthinking.

 

Sleeping with married guy because you think she has, by her actions, made him "publicly available" = excuseable, if not acceptable

 

 

her looking at something you put out on a public online forum= a dastardly act

 

 

If Pinterest has no privacy settings, it is a public forum, so you have zero control over who chooses to lok at it. if you don't want her looking, do put it there.

 

Would you have been upset if he found it before he decided to stay with her? I can't help but wonder if you were hoping she would.

[Donesharing]

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope this day is the best it can be for all of you. Last Christmas was so depressing for me, knowing my MM was with his BW and family while I sat here missing him. Of course, he still professed his love to me and promised it would get better, and by next Christmas we would be together. Ha Ha Ha...It's next Christmas.

 

I am good though. I am seeing things so clearly. I realize that he really was a compulsive liar, and I dodged a bullet. I have been doing great with NC. I actually have no desire to contact him. I feel so much better. I don't keep count of how long there has been no contact. I have closed all the doors for possible contact. I did look at his BW facebook page today. I just wanted to see for myself is she had left him or if she forgave him. I figured the profile picture would clue me in. Sure enough, they have a new family picture as the cover, and them in a close cuddly picture as her profile. So I guess our A was helpful for them to find each other again. Who knows, really? But, if their marriage was worth saving, I am glad they did it. I now realize I could have never been his wife, I would have always thought he was cheating on me too. I know of his past affairs, from the start of their marriage. He gave me many details, and blamed it on his wife. He said over and over he should have never married her, and when the first kid came along he knew he would stay until the kids were grown and then leave, but he never had intimacy with his wife so he had affairs. Of course, I was different then those woman. (cough cough) according to him, because he LOVED me.

 

I now see where this was going. He says whatever he needed to say to get what he wants. So, in a way, I can't imagine that he isn't doing that right now to keep her. Say whatever he needs to say.

 

He would still be cheating on her, if I didn't tell her. So, that to me just shows, he only decided show that he is a committed husband that made a dumb mistake, because he got caught.

 

OK, talked way to much about that.

 

I am dating a guy that I shoved aside when my MM showed up professing his love for me. This guy doesn't know that I stopped seeing him, because of my stupid A. I allowed this A to mess up a good thing, and waste 2 years of my life.

 

I looked at their picture today and felt nothing for him. I felt that I am glad I am me and not her. I am sure they are doing what it takes to work things out, but that damage can never be undone. I am sorry I was part of it. I won't ever do that again. It is true that actions are the truth. I ignored the actions and listened to the words, words that were lies.

 

They have a beautiful family, she is a beautiful woman. She never attacked me or contacted me. She has grace and he is very lucky to have her. I hope her realizes that.

[prettyeyes87]

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope this day is the best it can be for all of you. Last Christmas was so depressing for me, knowing my MM was with his BW and family while I sat here missing him. Of course, he still professed his love to me and promised it would get better, and by next Christmas we would be together. Ha Ha Ha...It's next Christmas.

 

I am good though. I am seeing things so clearly. I realize that he really was a compulsive liar, and I dodged a bullet. I have been doing great with NC. I actually have no desire to contact him. I feel so much better. I don't keep count of how long there has been no contact. I have closed all the doors for possible contact. I did look at his BW facebook page today. I just wanted to see for myself is she had left him or if she forgave him. I figured the profile picture would clue me in. Sure enough, they have a new family picture as the cover, and them in a close cuddly picture as her profile. So I guess our A was helpful for them to find each other again. Who knows, really? But, if their marriage was worth saving, I am glad they did it. I now realize I could have never been his wife, I would have always thought he was cheating on me too. I know of his past affairs, from the start of their marriage. He gave me many details, and blamed it on his wife. He said over and over he should have never married her, and when the first kid came along he knew he would stay until the kids were grown and then leave, but he never had intimacy with his wife so he had affairs. Of course, I was different then those woman. (cough cough) according to him, because he LOVED me.

 

I now see where this was going. He says whatever he needed to say to get what he wants. So, in a way, I can't imagine that he isn't doing that right now to keep her. Say whatever he needs to say.

 

He would still be cheating on her, if I didn't tell her. So, that to me just shows, he only decided show that he is a committed husband that made a dumb mistake, because he got caught.

 

OK, talked way to much about that.

 

I am dating a guy that I shoved aside when my MM showed up professing his love for me. This guy doesn't know that I stopped seeing him, because of my stupid A. I allowed this A to mess up a good thing, and waste 2 years of my life.

 

I looked at their picture today and felt nothing for him. I felt that I am glad I am me and not her. I am sure they are doing what it takes to work things out, but that damage can never be undone. I am sorry I was part of it. I won't ever do that again. It is true that actions are the truth. I ignored the actions and listened to the words, words that were lies.

 

They have a beautiful family, she is a beautiful woman. She never attacked me or contacted me. She has grace and he is very lucky to have her. I hope her realizes that.

I'm glad for you I hope to be where you are very soon. The part I bolded is something I am trying to work harder on and pay attention to. Words SOUND good and that's about it.

[Donesharing]

I'm glad for you I hope to be where you are very soon. The part I bolded is something I am trying to work harder on and pay attention to. Words SOUND good and that's about it.

 

It took me to this point to really see that. He said everything I wanted to hear. I would say things to him, like prove it. He would reply with, "I will prove it, you'll see." But, he never did, it was just that same conversation over and over, with him throwing in, "I love you." "We were meant to be together." "I will never hurt you." "I am still living with her for the kids."....but nothing ever changed. So when I blew it out of the water, I felt badly. But, for me I needed to see who he really was.

[GirlStillStrong]

It took me to this point to really see that. He said everything I wanted to hear. I would say things to him, like prove it. He would reply with, "I will prove it, you'll see." But, he never did, it was just that same conversation over and over, with him throwing in, "I love you." "We were meant to be together." "I will never hurt you." "I am still living with her for the kids."....but nothing ever changed. So when I blew it out of the water, I felt badly. But, for me I needed to see who he really was.

 

It's simply amazing how these men ALL say the same things. It's as though they took the same class with the same textbook on philandering. And it's equally amazing how all us women fall for it.

[Donesharing]

It's simply amazing how these men ALL say the same things. It's as though they took the same class with the same textbook on philandering. And it's equally amazing how all us women fall for it.

 

They do. It's like they go to a class and get the info. Bizarre. The part that worries me now, is being to trust any man's words. I feel like I am going to sabotage anyone that comes alone. I feel like they will all be full of S.

[georgia girl]

Donesharing,

 

 

I am so happy for you!!! Enjoy your holiday. And your name says it all... you are DONE SHARING.

 

 

What a wonderful recovery for you. You made it from hurt to happiness faster than anyone I've seen on this board. So, so happy for you.

 

 

Congrats!!!

 

 

GG

[GirlStillStrong]

They do. It's like they go to a class and get the info. Bizarre. The part that worries me now, is being to trust any man's words. I feel like I am going to sabotage anyone that comes alone. I feel like they will all be full of S.

 

I've been in many relationships with many different kinds of men; I can't tell you how disappointing it has been. I'm accused on here of being a man hater or male bashing but I'm really not. I just give up. For the very reason you state. A man will say ALL KINDS of things, I think mostly for affect. And they know how to manipulate you emotionally. Some of the clues that they are doing this are repeated over and over right here on this forum. They will say how if they had only met YOU before HER, they wouldn't have married her. They will say how your connection or relationship is mystical or somehow other-worldly or special, like soulmates or destiny. They will say how they are only married to her out of obligation and don't really want to be with her (even though he continually spends time with her). How these men can lie so blatantly to even themselves and have no anxiety from living such lies and contradiction I will never understand. It is almost sociopathic if you ask me. I used to think it was only men who are drug addicts or alcoholics who are this way but have discovered no, that's not true. It's ALL men. I guess I'm just learning that the old adage is true: A good man is hard to find.

 

It sounds old school or religious maybe but you have to be the one to hold back and keep them (and your self, of course) reigned in. Because men have SO many issues. You really have to maintain your distance, have a FULL and complete life WITHOUT a man, and take plenty of time to see how they are (YEARS) before allowing yourself to fall for them (and even then, I'm learning, it's not advisable). I really don't think men know how very demanding (and needy and time consuming) they are. They are very self-centered people. It's really unfortunate.

[Owl6118]

I used to think it was only men who are drug addicts or alcoholics who are this way but have discovered no, that's not true. It's ALL men. I guess I'm just learning that the old adage is true: A good man is hard to find.

 

It sounds old school or religious maybe but you have to be the one to hold back and keep them (and your self, of course) reigned in. Because men have SO many issues. You really have to maintain your distance, have a FULL and complete life WITHOUT a man, and take plenty of time to see how they are (YEARS) before allowing yourself to fall for them (and even then, I'm learning, it's not advisable). I really don't think men know how very demanding (and needy and time consuming) they are. They are very self-centered people. It's really unfortunate.

 

I am grieved that you have been so badly hurt. Your feelings are your own, they come from your experience, and I won't do you the disservice of trying to talk you out of them.

 

But... I am a man. I have flaws and I make mistakes, but I try every day to lead a life with authenticity and integrity. I am loyal, in business and friendship as well as romantic connections. I do not betray those who trust me.

 

I just want to enter this into the record, on behalf of myself, my son, and my male friends who feel and act from the same principles. There are many many men who make mistakes as all humans do, but who do their best to be human beings of compassion, and kindness and character. We exist.

[Cressida]

Donesharing, I am very sorry for the pain you're going through and the situation you have faced with this man. Seriously, I do, because your story is unlike any other. 99% of the OW here come down the same beaten path, men who promise the world but then there perpetually is the inevitable obstacle, and then hearts get broken....but your story is unlike any other. You knew this man and you unconsciously assumed that you are the same kids from 30 years ago, and your shared history gave you this feeling of comfort and trust around him.

 

He is a disgusting idiot if he fooled you, based on your common history. This shows tremendous lack of character on his end. However he might have been forced by his wife to text those messages, like you said....BUT the fact that he did, or allowed her to send such things to you speaks volumes....he just isn't the man you thought he was, he isn't the 9th grader you knew a long time ago...don't beat yourself up and don't lose your faith in people, in general, and your ability to trust. He is just one in a billion....not everyone.

 

My personal opinion is that you were a little hasty in contacting his wife several times, on a whim. I get your overall bad feeling over the whole thing, as there had been a year with little to no 'advance'....and at least you know where you're standing.

 

It's good that you have decided to move on and just remove him from your life. You deserve much better from a man who literally hid under his wife's skirt when the sh*t hit the fan....that's not someone you want to make a living with, that's not a real man. Many men cheat, many men lie, arguably it's less than honorable behavior, but to go to such lengths....he shows he doesn't have his two feet to stand on and despite the overall 'turmoil' he went through, he became a p*ussy and hid under his wife's thumb....allowing her to harass you with those texts when what you did, even if unwarranted as no spouse likes to be told that her husband is having an affair, was actually a favor...you were polite and respectful, and honest.

 

Anyway. I truly hope you get better and just forget about him. He is not the same person he was many years ago, he is just a man like many other. Take care of yourself, and you will meet someone new. You just have to believe in it.