Initiated NC.

[BC1980]

They were together for years, talked about marriage, you can't erase all those things in months... So I wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I agree. It's more denial than a veiled attempt to win me back. At some point, he will have to come to terms with this and make a decision. It's really inability to commit and make a decision, so he's trying to hold into the past. That's why I went NC. I had to be the one to make the decision. He might decide he wants me back. Maybe not. I'm trying not to worry about it and just keep moving forward.

[BC1980]

But if they're in denial and they're the ones who ended it, then why even stay broken up? That's what confuses me about these situations, like what my ex is doing or yours sending that card. If you're so determined to be done, why do this stuff? Why try to make it seem like it's just like it always was and pretend like it's okay? Because you can make it ACTUALLY okay....

 

I posed this question to my ex, and he acted like I was the crazy one. Like it was just normal and okay to carry on like we were while he was in limbo. It wasn't okay for me.

 

It seems like some people are just slower with decisions. He has a long track record of being indecisive and non committal in ALL aspects of his life. I guess I shouldn't have expected to be an exception because this wavering behavior was a red flag I noticed from the start. I chose to overlook it because there was a lot of good also. I took a chance, and I can't say I regret it. I do regret staying for the past year, but what's done is done. I have come to accept that he might never make a decision, but I have to move forward for myself right now.

[LinkWorshiper]

I agree. It's more denial than a veiled attempt to win me back. At some point, he will have to come to terms with this and make a decision. It's really inability to commit and make a decision, so he's trying to hold into the past. That's why I went NC. I had to be the one to make the decision. He might decide he wants me back. Maybe not. I'm trying not to worry about it and just keep moving forward.

 

I often felt like that was the case in my situation. My ex just couldn't/can't decide what he wanted. He uses extreme words like 'I don't' and 'never' and stuff like that to cover up his indecision, yet his actions clearly contradict that. I am hoping that with your advice to double down on him, BC, it will help him make more solid choices now that I have decided not to make it so easy for him, which was probably my mistake, even if he was the one doing all the legwork. So is that him being in denial as well?

[BC1980]

I have found that it isn't worth it to try to figure out motives too deeply.

[Minneloa]

I have found that it isn't worth it to try to figure out motives too deeply.

 

Amen, sister. Exercise in futility.

[BC1980]

I was having a rough moment, but reading back through this thread helped me see the light. I was thinking of planning a trip after Christmas, and I got so sentimental all of a sudden. We loved to travel together, and I think it just made me sad to realize he won't be going on this trip with me. I really wanted to hear his voice, but, after reading this thread, I realized I only wanted what we had at one point.

 

I never thought I would need a forum like this, but it has helped me so much! Thanks to everyone who has commented.

[Mariposa10]

I guess we will all have our ups and downs, whether we're doing NC, LC... I'm doing LC, I don't text or call my ex. If he contacts me I respond when I can, I don't really call him back when he calls me and I miss his call. Today I was erasing some messages while I was waiting for my class to start, and I started reading some messages he had sent me when we had a huge fight last year. All those messages were really sweet, and after reading them, I felt like crying. I went to class, but while the teacher was talking I was just feeling so melancholic, wanting to cry and text him, but I didn't.

 

I'm sure you'll keep having your ups and downs, you were with him for years, you can't forget him instantly. Do you guys have friends in common?

[BC1980]

We used to work together, which is actually where we met, so we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. We really don't have mutual friends. I had my friends, and he had his friends. We would hang out sometimes, but I haven't talked to any of his friends since we broke up. I guess what I'm saying is that we didn't run in the same circle of friends to begin with, so it hasn't been a real issue.

 

It's kind of sad because he is such a workaholic that he doesn't even have that many friends left. In a way, I have it easier because I have a support group. I guess the last thing I need to do is feel sorry for him; he is a grown man after all. He has to learn to live with his decisions. . . .

[BC1980]

Today I was erasing some messages while I was waiting for my class to start, and I started reading some messages he had sent me when we had a huge fight last year. All those messages were really sweet, and after reading them, I felt like crying. I went to class, but while the teacher was talking I was just feeling so melancholic, wanting to cry and text him, but I didn't.

 

How I felt today really scared me. It's been about a month of NC, and I thought I was stronger than that. Of course, it passed after awhile. I'm glad you didn't text your ex. Good for you. I've deleted all messages he sent me, all emails, basically everything. I don't want one to trip me up if I happen to come across it. It was time intensive to delete all of those emails

[Mariposa10]

How I felt today really scared me. It's been about a month of NC, and I thought I was stronger than that. Of course, it passed after awhile. I'm glad you didn't text your ex. Good for you. I've deleted all messages he sent me, all emails, basically everything. I don't want one to trip me up if I happen to come across it. It was time intensive to delete all of those emails

 

Yes, we shouldn't feel sorry for them. I haven't deleted all the messages and emails.... I guess it'd be super easy to delete the texts, but the emails, that is gonna take some time.

 

I'm also grateful to have found this forum!! I've learned so many things here.

[thora-tiki]

You wrote a few days ago:

It's been about a month of NC.

-- Woooo-hoooooooo! Yeah, baby! Aha!

 

I love reading your posts and advice you give to other forum members,

and I think you're doing a fantastic job.

 

You sound like a beautiful, strong and positive girl,

and I am so lucky to have met you.

 

You're an inspiration to me, to us all - hold ut! = hang in there!

[BC1980]

You wrote a few days ago:

It's been about a month of NC.

-- Woooo-hoooooooo! Yeah, baby! Aha!

 

I love reading your posts and advice you give to other forum members,

and I think you're doing a fantastic job.

 

You sound like a beautiful, strong and positive girl,

and I am so lucky to have met you.

 

You're an inspiration to me, to us all - hold ut! = hang in there!

 

Thanks. I feel the same about you and so many other people on this site. I never thought I would have to come to a forum about heartbreak, but it's been some of the best medicine I have gotten.

 

I am finally at a point where I wouldn't take the ex back at the drop of a hat. That is a big accomplishment from where I started when he dumped me in April. I am coming to realize that sometimes, you have to let something go for it to either turn into something better or never revisit it.

 

I have no idea what the future holds for me and my ex. I feel that I will contact him again at some point, when I feel that I am ready. That is the way we left it when we last spoke. Making the decision to do NC was the best decision I could have made for myself.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks. I feel the same about you and so many other people on this site. I never thought I would have to come to a forum about heartbreak, but it's been some of the best medicine I have gotten.

 

I am finally at a point where I wouldn't take the ex back at the drop of a hat. That is a big accomplishment from where I started when he dumped me in April. I am coming to realize that sometimes, you have to let something go for it to either turn into something better or never revisit it.

 

I have no idea what the future holds for me and my ex. I feel that I will contact him again at some point, when I feel that I am ready. That is the way we left it when we last spoke. Making the decision to do NC was the best decision I could have made for myself.

 

Does he use Facebook, Twitter all those things?

 

Even though I have 0 desire to contact my ex right now (and hopefully it'll stay that way), sometimes when I find a cute pic or something that reminds me of him, unconsciously, I want to send it to him, and then I stop myself and remember how we don't talk anymore. It's such a weird feeling...

[BC1980]

Does he use Facebook, Twitter all those things?

 

Even though I have 0 desire to contact my ex right now (and hopefully it'll stay that way), sometimes when I find a cute pic or something that reminds me of him, unconsciously, I want to send it to him, and then I stop myself and remember how we don't talk anymore. It's such a weird feeling...

 

Thanks goodness he never used social media like Facebook or Twitter. I took all of our pictures down and either gave them back to him or put them in the closet.

 

I used to have those urges to tell him something that I normally would have or to text him a picture. Those have completely gone away with time, but it was hard in the beginning. You are used to sharing your life with another person, and, one day, it's like that person died. It's truly a grieving process in itself.

[BC1980]

Yesterday, the ex sent my mom a birthday card. He also sent my dad a birthday card over a month ago. WTH? I honestly think he is in denial or something. It has actually really upset me and made me emotional, so I have realized that I am nowhere near being ready to contact him.

 

For a few moments, I actually started to analyze what it could mean that he sent my mom a card. Does he still think about me? Is he trying to stay on good terms for a possible second chance? Then, I quickly realized how ridiculous it is to even go there. It could have a million meanings, and none of them matter right now.

[Mariposa10]

Yesterday, the ex sent my mom a birthday card. He also sent my dad a birthday card over a month ago. WTH? I honestly think he is in denial or something. It has actually really upset me and made me emotional, so I have realized that I am nowhere near being ready to contact him.

 

For a few moments, I actually started to analyze what it could mean that he sent my mom a card. Does he still think about me? Is he trying to stay on good terms for a possible second chance? Then, I quickly realized how ridiculous it is to even go there. It could have a million meanings, and none of them matter right now.

 

Of course he still thinks about you, you guys were together for years and talked about marriage, etc. But do not torture yourself trying to guess what it really really means, because that will only hurt you.

[BC1980]

Of course he still thinks about you, you guys were together for years and talked about marriage, etc. But do not torture yourself trying to guess what it really really means, because that will only hurt you.

 

The reality is that I know he still thinks about me, but it means nothing. What does it matter if he thinks of me? We aren't together. Honestly, I miss being a couple and all of the things that go with it. Yes, I do miss him as a person and still love him, but I could not go back to how things were. The more distance I get, the more I see that there were some problems I ignored.

 

My gut told me there were issues, but I didn't want to bring them up. My gut told me to walk away from him because he was having trouble committing, but I was too weak. I was reading in a book that we try to justify the time spent one someone the longer we are together. Even if we know there are problems, we keep trying to justify it.

[Mariposa10]

The reality is that I know he still thinks about me, but it means nothing. What does it matter if he thinks of me? We aren't together. Honestly, I miss being a couple and all of the things that go with it. Yes, I do miss him as a person and still love him, but I could not go back to how things were. The more distance I get, the more I see that there were some problems I ignored.

 

My gut told me there were issues, but I didn't want to bring them up. My gut told me to walk away from him because he was having trouble committing, but I was too weak. I was reading in a book that we try to justify the time spent one someone the longer we are together. Even if we know there are problems, we keep trying to justify it.

 

Yeah, it doesn't really matter if they miss/care about us. I agree with the distance thing, that is needed most of the time.

 

One of my friends was with her boyfriend for 4 years. They broke up, stopped talking to each other for 6 months, dated people, two years later and now they are together. She says the time apart improved their relationship.

I, however, don't want to think about when I will contact my ex because I feel like that affects the moving on process. I'm still really really hurt. If things are meant to be, they'll happen I guess.

[Mariposa10]

Btw, what did your dad do? What is your mom gonna do? Are you supposed to send a thank-you note? What did they say?

[BC1980]

Btw, what did your dad do? What is your mom gonna do? Are you supposed to send a thank-you note? What did they say?

 

I didn't do anything about it. I don't know what they did because I didn't even ask them. I didn't want to bring up any talk that could lead to a discussion of him. I just let it be. It's like the elephant in the room.

 

My birthday is in December. I wonder if he will send me a card or text. Hopefully not, but I have realized that I don't know what to expect from him anymore.

[thora-tiki]

I'll answer on your thread, buddy.

 

No, you are not ready to have contact with the ex.

 

Great job in seeing that!

You are doing super!

 

To me, you seemed to ask me:

what did you do?

 

So bare with me, if I misunderstood.

 

If parts of my answer seem harsh, just remember I want you to succeed,

and I am much harder on myself.

 

No contact:

I started on November 17, 2012.

Broke it once, on November 23, then re-started on November 24.

I didn't break it after re-sending it on November 24.

 

When I say re-started, I mean I re-sent the no contact message:

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

I used this message since I have seen what it can do.

 

You want to make sure the ex also evolves,

otherwise reconnecting will be a fu*king nightmare.

 

I suggest you send him this message, the message above, no changes.

To me, you seem ready to send it.

Ready in this case means: You won't break it once you first have sent it.

Because you'll get a reaction. Trust me.

 

He hasn't really began to feel that he has made a huge mistake.

When that time comes, hang onto your hat!

I have a feeling he'll be very vocal about it.

 

You are not sending the message to only get a reaction,

you are sending it so that you two can start your personal evolutions together.

 

If you are serious about getting in contact with ex in January,

I suggest you send him the no contact message, so that he too evolves -

what we don't want is getting back with an un-evolved ex,

or even have a short get together with an un-evolved ex.

 

That is a recipe for disaster.

 

I used e-mail to send mine, since dildo face was blocked on everything else.

 

Reconnect:

I broke no contact (I phoned dildo face), and started the reconnect stage of my plan,

on September 15, 2013.

 

I broke it because I was ready - emotionally ready.

 

If you are not emotionally ready, you will fail in the reconnection phase.

 

This is what I have been working on during my no contact period,

I didn't give myself a deadline,

but I gave myself permission to reconnect if I wanted to, but only if I was ready.

 

I used all the chapters in an e-book called the magic of breaking up.

 

- For the time I was in no contact I used chapters 1-5.

- When I was ready to phone dildo face to reconnect I used chapter 6,

Before phoning him, to get tips.

- I am now on chapter 7, I still use chapters 2 (for the fast forward technique) and 6.

- There are 8 chapters.

 

You use the magic of making up to learn about relationship dynamics,

and how to get over a break up.

 

And then you use a break up buddy for the much needed support.

If you need a break up buddy, I can be that break up buddy if you like.

 

I come from a long line of pay-it-forward break up buddies.

I can send you the e-book. That is how I got mine.

Maybe pm me your e-mail address?

 

Back to my reconnect:

If dildo face starts to regress or «pull back» (during the reconnect stage - this stage should last a few months -

this, regressing or «pulling back», can happen if he isn't ready to reconnect) I will have no problem with

re-starting no contact (i.e. re-sending the no contact message, and continue on evolving, living my life).

 

Emotional control is the key to success - remember that while you're in no contact.

 

In short, success is:

- getting you back

or

- getting you back and the ex.

 

During those no contact months dildo face sent me maybe two messages a month.

 

I would re-send the no contact message (no changes) for ever third or fourth message from him.

 

The messages from him could either be about wanting to meet me,

if I wanted to go for coffee sometime,

that he loved me, that he missed me, missed hearing my voice,

or like the last ones: that he was in therapy, working on himself.

I just looked at most of his messages as emotional brain farts.

 

I saw that he was cracking, but I knew he wasn't ready.

 

I also knew that if he «saw» that I was waiting, I knew he'd stop evolving and reflecting and say

- she is still waiting, no worries.

 

I knew he'd only evolve if he HAD to.

This message, the one I used, is meant to flip both your switches,

and start your personal evolutions together.

 

I suggest to anyone that asks me for advice when it comes to their break up -

either they are the dumpee or dumper,

the dumper uses a slightly different no contact message,

- the answer is always to send the no contact message.

 

It is so simple, using the no contact message, that is what throws people off.

 

How can it be this simple?

 

I know you told your ex no contact, but sending this message,

is way more powerful.

 

It is not petulant to do no contact (sending the ex this message) because it redresses the balance and says:

«hey I'm an important person with or without you, and hell yes,

I have many important things to do in my life with or without you in it,

and you know what, because I am important,

you give me the space to make my important decisions and get on with my life


till I decide to choose you or maybe not.

I'll let you know!»

 

The purpose of no contact message isn't to only flip your exes switch -

that is a side benefit.

 

The purpose is to get you back to yourself.

 

The confident you before they turned you into a poster child for insecurity.

 

Dwelling on what they are thinking or doing is making it that much harder for you to get there.

 

You have to go through all the emotions before you can look at them objectively

and make a decision from strength otherwise your wasting your time and you will fail.

 

Forget what they are doing.

 

Concentrate on not giving a fu*k.

I didn't say not caring for them, but not giving a fu*k whether they come back or not

because you are a self sufficient person that will have many more opportunities in life.

The ex didn't rule your world before you met him, so why should he dictate your happiness now?

 

Get to that same frame of mind when he were merely someone you started dating.

 

If your ex told you on your first date that they didn't like you and didn't want anything more to do with you

would you be here now?

 

No.

 

Because you didn't surrender your emotions making yourself a vulnerable mess and could give two sh*ts.

 

You would have turned and never looked back.

 

Be that person except keep the love you have for ex in your pocket in case you someday have a chance to use it.

 

Oh, and if mom and dad ask:

What should we do, he sent us this card(s)?

Should we say thank you, we don't want to seem rude, blah blah.

 

The best thing would be to destroy the cards and move on from that incident, it was an emotional brain fart that your ex will regret.

 

Actually this is to your advantage, really - how?

 

It will eat away at him that you didn't break down from his dumb-a*s attempt to confuse you,

he will start to worry when he doesn't hear anything from any of you.

 

Now who is sweating?

 

You did nothing wrong - you are stronger than he is and he knows it now.

 

You just tell mom and dad that the birthday wish was an emotional brain fart from your ex.

 

So no thank-you-card, no nothing.

 

It is mind over matter.

We don't mind.

They don't matter.

[BC1980]

Thank you so much. Your posts always help me. I actually did send a version of that NC message at the end of August. I was very polite and said I would basicslly like some space for myself and that I would appreciate him not contacting me. He immediately sent me am email showing more emotion than I have seen from him. Saying he misses me but is still trying to protect himself, ect.

 

So I replied saying thank you for respecting my NC. I will be in touch at some point. We haven't talked since then.

[thora-tiki]

I am glad my posts help you, BC1980.

 

I am jumping up and down and cheering you on.

Open your window, I bet you can hear me!

Bahaha!

 

I am not picking on you or your no contact message, but:

 

If you want the best results send the version I am suggesting.

 

He broke your no contact when he sent the birthday cards to your family.

 

So use this occasion to re-send the no contact message,

the one I suggest, it has more punch and power to it.

 

The one I suggest is also re-usable for times like these,

when he breaks no contact. Hah!

 

When you use no contact correctly your ex will personally evolve too.

 

All this will take some time, but it will happen, and you will be happy again.

 

If he replies (even if the reply seems sweet «I hope we see each other some day» or understanding «Ok, that sounds fair», or desperate «I made a mistake»)

to the no contact message, you do not reply.

 

When your ex breaks no contact: e-mailing, calling, sending your family birthday cards -

just think of it as:

the ex is testing the waters with those text/e-mails/birthday cards.

 

This happens because the ex wants to see how serious you are about no contact.

 

Right now he is not respecting your no contact. He is not respecting you.

 

This is the main reason for not responding when the ex breaks contact.

 

If you do break no contact, before you are ready:

he'll think that you are ready, since you wrote:

I'll be in touch when I am ready,

and if you are not, ready, then you will be the one sending mixed signals.

 

He did break no contact - or pushed you as I think of it when the ex breaks no contact -

he broke the no contact message you sent (in August?).

He is pushing you, so you need to push back.

Push back until he gets that he needs to respect your wishes.

No contact. Until you are ready.

 

Now stop stalling and send the no contact message I am suggesting.

[BC1980]

The thing that keeps me from sending the message is that he didn't send anything to me directly. I also don't want to open up any lines of communication with him.

[BePatient]

Hey

Thanks for great post

Reading it makes me feel better

Im also reading the ebook that you mentioned

The magic of making up

 

I have PDF files if anyone need it

leave your email here

 

Im still on NC

Ive read your story and my situation is different

seems like you were a great girl friend it was your ex had issues

Now im a bit confused about what to do

if you have a few minutes to read it I would be really appreciated

Thanks

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/432131-everyone-says-dont-break-nc-but-what-if