Initiated NC.

[Mariposa10]

Wondering if you will ever love again? This is what I posted on another thread:

 

Yes, yes to all of all your questions. My sister used to say "even if we get divorced one day I will never love or be with another man" (when talking about her husband with whom she was with for over a decade). Well, he cheated on her, she felt like wanting to die, etc. As time went by, she met another guy, they are engaged now. SHE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY. She doesn't feel hate or love for her ex husband, she wishes him the best.

 

So yes, just let time do its thing. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

 

About the anger you're feeling. Don't you prefer that than being depressed or in denial? I know I do... Just know that there's light at the end of the tunnel. You'll see it soon.

[BC1980]

I know it's possible to love again, but I'm scared I will never meet anyone. Right now, it just feels overwhelming to even think about investing in someone again. It just sucks, and I feel so bitter and cheated. The bad part is I'm also mad at myself because I set weak boundaries. Honestly, I can only blame myself that, but I can't change it now.

 

What had helped the most is just redirecting my thoughts from him or anything about the relationship. This forum has helped a lot too.

[Mariposa10]

I know it's possible to love again, but I'm scared I will never meet anyone. Right now, it just feels overwhelming to even think about investing in someone again. It just sucks, and I feel so bitter and cheated. The bad part is I'm also mad at myself because I set weak boundaries. Honestly, I can only blame myself that, but I can't change it now.

 

What had helped the most is just redirecting my thoughts from him or anything about the relationship. This forum has helped a lot too.

 

Maybe you feel like you invested too much because your ex had a son? I think I read that somewhere. Maybe if you find someone who doesn't have a son, it won't be as overwhelming?

There's nothing we can do about the past anymore. I've come to accept that and I force myself to stop those thoughts from resurfacing because there's nothing I can do about it but learn from those mistakes.

 

During my anger stage, I snapped at my brother a couple of times. I feel bad about it... I'm gonna have to make up for that pretty soon...now that I feel better.

[Mariposa10]

Try to see things from a positive perspective. At least he didn't start getting all confused once you two were married with children, that would've been horrible. Or if you two had dated like 7 or 8 years just like sometimes we read on this forum.

 

My family says that my outlook is very negative all the time. But when it comes to my breakup, I'm looking at all the positive things! It helps me feel better.

[BC1980]

I did something beyond stupid last night. I broke NC. Please learn from this.

 

So, a week ago, the ex sent me an early birthday gift in the mail. There was actually no note with it, but I knew it was from him because it was something I had mentioned wanting. I was pretty upset about it, but I wasn't going to contact him.

 

After work last night, I talked myself into calling him. He said the gift was from him. It was awful. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I said not unless he was rethinking his decision. He said he feels that the relationship just won't work, and there is someone better for me out there. I said to sell the engagement ring back, and he said he would do that if I wanted him to. He said he will give me the money from the ring because he feels that it was bought for me. I ended up crying, and we ended up texting each other later. He said he feels that at some other point in time (years down the line), the relationship could work. But he can't ask me to wait that long because it isn't right to string me along.

 

I'm just so ashamed that I actually contacted him. I'm so disgusted that I let myself be vulnerable and cry in from of him again. WTF? I feel like I am reliving the breakup right now. There is no excuse for what I did. I knew I shouldn't have called him, and I brought all of this on myself. I thought I was further along than this, but I am clearly not. This has shaken me so badly.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I just send an email stating that I would like no further contact from him and send a family member to return the rest of his stuff? I keep bargaining a way to keep a friendship with him. Could that actually work? I can't believe I am even asking that, but this guy is/was my best friend. It's tearing me up thinking of never seeing him again. However, the thought of seeing him is also painful because it reminds me of the past.

 

This is just horrible, and I really can only blame myself at this point. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at what happened.

[la74219]

I did something beyond stupid last night. I broke NC. Please learn from this.

 

So, a week ago, the ex sent me an early birthday gift in the mail. There was actually no note with it, but I knew it was from him because it was something I had mentioned wanting. I was pretty upset about it, but I wasn't going to contact him.

 

After work last night, I talked myself into calling him. He said the gift was from him. It was awful. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I said not unless he was rethinking his decision. He said he feels that the relationship just won't work, and there is someone better for me out there. I said to sell the engagement ring back, and he said he would do that if I wanted him to. He said he will give me the money from the ring because he feels that it was bought for me. I ended up crying, and we ended up texting each other later. He said he feels that at some other point in time (years down the line), the relationship could work. But he can't ask me to wait that long because it isn't right to string me along.

 

I'm just so ashamed that I actually contacted him. I'm so disgusted that I let myself be vulnerable and cry in from of him again. WTF? I feel like I am reliving the breakup right now. There is no excuse for what I did. I knew I shouldn't have called him, and I brought all of this on myself. I thought I was further along than this, but I am clearly not. This has shaken me so badly.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I just send an email stating that I would like no further contact from him and send a family member to return the rest of his stuff? I keep bargaining a way to keep a friendship with him. Could that actually work? I can't believe I am even asking that, but this guy is/was my best friend. It's tearing me up thinking of never seeing him again. However, the thought of seeing him is also painful because it reminds me of the past.

 

This is just horrible, and I really can only blame myself at this point. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at what happened.

 

 

We are all human. I broke down for a few days immediately after the break up, but today is day 2 of no contact. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. If anything, know that you inspired me to not contact her because I am more than tempted to send her a text or email. I don't even know what I'd say, but I wanted to say something...anything.

[r321148]

I keep bargaining a way to keep a friendship with him. Could that actually work? I can't believe I am even asking that, but this guy is/was my best friend. It's tearing me up thinking of never seeing him again. However, the thought of seeing him is also painful because it reminds me of the past.

 

This is just horrible, and I really can only blame myself at this point. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at what happened.

 

You already know the answer to this don't you? Your reaction shows that you can't be friends with this guy as you aren't in the right place for that right now and it will really hinder your progress.

Maybe in time you can be friends but that time isn't now.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this you did what you thought was right. It's just a minor setback and you'll get back to where you were quicker than you think.

He said he feels that at some other point in time (years down the line), the relationship could work.

 

This is why you shouldn't be staying friends with him at the moment. You need to move on with your life. If you stay around him you know that deep down you'll always be waiting for that day. Do you really want to be waiting years for a "maybe"?

[Mariposa10]

Don't feel bad. I broke NC last week too. I won't go into detail because this about you right now.

 

Here's the thing. I think you needed this. Cry and scream all you want, but right now you can finally start moving on, realistically. You still having some of his stuff was preventing you from moving on. That stuff is on your back, get rid of it, ASAP.

 

You can't be his friend right now, because you're still very vulnerable. My advice: give him his things ASAP. Ask him to just forget about the ring. You two NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS RING. What the $@%@ does he mean, when he said he wanted to give you the money he would get from the ring. Is he mentally ill? Who says stuff like that?

[Mariposa10]

Keep in mind, we're all here for you! We're all in the same boat...

[la74219]

Mariposa10 - You mentioned you broke NC. Do you think I should if I feel it is the right thing to do? I'm really struggling with that. I don't know what I want. I guess I just feel like it's so permanent if I don't contact her.

[BC1980]

Don't feel bad. I broke NC last week too. I won't go into detail because this about you right now.

 

Here's the thing. I think you needed this. Cry and scream all you want, but right now you can finally start moving on, realistically. You still having some of his stuff was preventing you from moving on. That stuff is on your back, get rid of it, ASAP.

 

You can't be his friend right now, because you're still very vulnerable. My advice: give him his things ASAP. Ask him to just forget about the ring. You two NEED TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS RING. What the $@%@ does he mean, when he said he wanted to give you the money he would get from the ring. Is he mentally ill? Who says stuff like that?

 

I'm so sick of this ring. I think he feels guilty, so he wants to give me the money when he sells it back. He actually said that maybe we can get a better ring down the line one day. WTF? This is so twisted. I am done with discussing this relationship with him.

[Robert]

Let's keep the posts about the topic and post to the thread starters concerns, thanks

[Mariposa10]

I'm so sick of this ring. I think he feels guilty, so he wants to give me the money when he sells it back. He actually said that maybe we can get a better ring down the line one day. WTF? This is so twisted. I am done with discussing this relationship with him.

 

I would've gotten, so upset if he kept talking about the ring. You breaking NC and seeing his reaction is the final nail in the coffin. No more wondering about whether he was gonna change his mind. You've given him plenty of time. Now the real time to move on has come. All this NC time was just for you to start healing and be in charge of your emotions, but the time to move on has started now.

 

It's like me, the final nail in the coffin was when dildo face told me he had taken the girl to the restaurant near my house and had had sex with her etc.

 

The time to start moving on is RIGHT NOW.

 

The sooner you give him his things, the sooner you'll start the process of moving on.

 

Keep us posted!

[BC1980]

I would've gotten, so upset if he kept talking about the ring. You breaking NC and seeing his reaction is the final nail in the coffin. No more wondering about whether he was gonna change his mind. You've given him plenty of time. Now the real time to move on has come. All this NC time was just for you to start healing and be in charge of your emotions, but the time to move on has started now.

 

It's like me, the final nail in the coffin was when dildo face told me he had taken the girl to the restaurant near my house and had had sex with her etc.

 

The time to start moving on is RIGHT NOW.

 

The sooner you give him his things, the sooner you'll start the process of moving on.

 

Keep us posted!

 

I just can't believe I did what I did. I feel a million times worse, and I learned nothing I didn't know already. Everyone says I will meet someone else that's much better, but it doesn't feel like that right now. I feel like I will just die alone and never love again.

 

He even cried to me on the phone and told me how much he misses me. How his life is so empty without me, he's lonely, ect. But he just can't go back right now, and he just feels that it won't work out in the end. Honestly, what in the world? He says that there is someone better out there for me, but, five minutes later, he says that he just needs some time before he revisits the relationship.

 

So basically, I broke NC, learned nothing that I don't already know, had what I already know once again reinforced, and I feel like sh*t and emotionally drained afterwards.

 

Do not break NC. Do not bring the relationship up to the ex. Do not get emotional with the ex. I have preached all of this to other posters, but I broke in a weak moment.

[Mariposa10]

I just can't believe I did what I did. I feel a million times worse, and I learned nothing I didn't know already. Everyone says I will meet someone else that's much better, but it doesn't feel like that right now. I feel like I will just die alone and never love again.

 

He even cried to me on the phone and told me how much he misses me. How his life is so empty without me, he's lonely, ect. But he just can't go back right now, and he just feels that it won't work out in the end. Honestly, what in the world? He says that there is someone better out there for me, but, five minutes later, he says that he just needs some time before he revisits the relationship.

 

So basically, I broke NC, learned nothing that I don't already know, had what I already know once again reinforced, and I feel like sh*t and emotionally drained afterwards.

 

Do not break NC. Do not bring the relationship up to the ex. Do not get emotional with the ex. I have preached all of this to other posters, but I broke in a weak moment.

 

It's ok to feel the way you feel right now. You will feel better in a week, I promise you that. I feel like you were gonna have to contact him either way at some point. After all, you did say you'd get in touch. I feel like you needed this.

 

Did you guys have a lot of fights while you two were together?

 

You've broken NC is not the end of the world, now you won't be wondering. You have to start moving on. Have you thought about how you're gonna give him his things?

 

I hate how he sent you a gift, that would've given me a mind****.

[Minneloa]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, BC. You are one of my favorite posters here.

 

I know you feel awful right now, but it will get better. Your ex sounds like he has some serious issues-- what he said to you is pure, crazy-making, ambivalent BS!! I mean, NUTS. The ring stuff made me livid on your behalf, and the "maybe in the future" nonsense was insulting.

 

Take a few days to regroup: cry, eat Ben and Jerry's, drive around in the car singing angry anthems, call up all your friends and rant, whatever will console you. It's a setback, but like Mariposa said, you can use it to your advantage. I really think NC is a good thing in your case because it protects you from his thoughtless, hurtful, selfish words.

 

Sending extra good thoughts your way!!!

 

M.

[thora-tiki]

I am so sorry you had to experience this, buddy!

 

Please, e-mail me next time you want to break no contact,

and I'll kick you in the ass.

 

No contact is a game of chicken, it really is.

Control the situation and wait him out.

 

Not as a game of dysfunction, but for the best results for longevity of the contact!

 

He and you need more time.

 

That is all these last days mean.

 

To me, his hurtful words mean:

He is not ready for a new relationship.

 

Only when we are in the right place emotionally,

can the contact have a good outcome.

 

Am I making sense?

You in a moment of weakness and habit -

reach out to him and broke no contact,

perhaps by being polite, you wanted to thank him for the present,

and see if it meant something,

+ the fu*king present would have made anyone on here a little:

OMG, what does it mean?!

Believe me all that reverse psychology telling you:

«He said he feels that the relationship just won't work, and there is someone better for me out there.

 

I said to sell the engagement ring back, and he said he would do that if I wanted him to.

 

He said he will give me the money from the ring because he feels that it was bought for me.

 

I ended up crying, and we ended up texting each other later.

 

He said he feels that at some other point in time (years down the line),

the relationship could work. But he can't ask me to wait that long because it isn't right to string me along.»

 

is just bullsh*t in my opinion.

 

Mr. Oh so important might be mean, but he isn't stupid,

and you shouldn't be either.

 

He is rattling your cage to watch you squirm.

He is taking up too much space in your head at the moment,

and probably has for some time now. Stop it.

 

Then get annoyed with him.

Who is he?

Answer:

He is just a squatter in your mind.

A fu*ker that doesn't pay rent to stay in your mind/head,

or even takes out the trash whilst he is in there.

 

Stupid ex.

 

I picture your ex in my head rubbing his hands together,

or petting a white fluffy cat,

with a sinister grin on his face, because he is so exited to be playing games with you.

 

So take everything with a grain of salt and focus on you.

 

You need to turn away from him and focus on yourself.

 

Focusing on him and trying to interpret what he is saying, why did he do this or that mean?

is not helping you, and it is hurting you and preventing you from getting your life back.

 

He knows this, and he is playing you.

 

People ALWAYS want what they can't have.

 

He knew the longer you stayed no contact/away,

the more the love blindness would wear off.

 

That is why he sent that present.

 

I would have sent it back unopened, but that is just me.

 

You will hear from him again. It is as sure as death and taxes.

And when you do, IGNORE HIM! (Or better yet, send him the no contact message I am always suggesting.)

- He'll make it difficult for you.

- But still ignore him.

- He'll text you: «Honey, I am on fire, call the fire department!»

- He'll text you: «We need to meet up, so you can sign the papers for the ring. This way we'll get more money.»

- Ignore him.

 

He sent you that present because he had a moment, you disappeared, and now a few months later,

he started to remember the good times and put all the bad times in the back of his mind.

You in a moment of weakness and habit - reach out to him and broke no contact (by responding because of his lame present).

Learn from this, buddy!

Remember this feeling - that he disappointed you.

Gave you false hope.

 

Now go back to no contact and take back the power.

 

Go no contact with a vengeance.

 

Idiot ex-ring-ding-hole.

 

He is the one that will have to eat his words someday.

 

I am off to Bedfordshire, aka my bed.

 

E-mail me if you need to, BC1980.

 

I read this on how to kick loves ass, an old diary,

and thought you might want to read this as well:

 

«I initially went on a search to find out how to win him back, to find out how men think,

why they leave, and what went wrong...

then I came to this site where I realized my focus was all wrong.

I needed to stop making it about him and make it about me.

I have to let go of the old failed relationship in order to let myself evolve and have the chance for a new successful one,

whether it is with him or not.

I do admire him for his courage to let it go as much as I hate it.

 

He was right, I do deserve better than the point we had gotten,

but I also felt the man I fell in love with and the potential for us to be wonderful together is still there.

 

I believe that core is still there.

 

I want to gain back that confidence I once had.

It’s hard to be on this side of the equation.

He was so in love with me and then it somehow ended up where it did.

 

Regardless, we both made mistakes and need to grow.

 

More importantly, I know that I can’t stick around waiting for him to grow and evolve.

 

I need to take back control of my feelings and emotions and be that strong, independent,

confident woman that I once was.

 

It is my time to grow and evolve and be an amazing woman by myself,

first and foremost, and then alongside someone later on as well.

If it is him then so be it, and if it is not,

it won’t matter anymore at the turning point in my journey (I don’t want to say end because I know

this growth will be lifelong) because I will know that I, and only I, am responsible for my happiness.

I will take back control of that.»

[Arty54]

We dumpees are all suffering, hurting, struggling to understand and accept that it's over but, the simple truth and it hurts, "they no longer want to be with you/us" acceptance is a massive thing to deal with and so is going NC but it is the best way forward for ALL of us whether we like it or want it!

In time we will all move on and believe it not WE will all meet somebody else that we will share our lives with. I am a divorcee from a 20yr marriage, 2 yrs in the wilderness, a 5 month relationship with a women who helped me heal then spent 2 wonderful years with an amazing women who taught me so much more about life, fantastic holidays, weekends, great sex, the love of my life until about 2 months ago when she dumped me! Yes I'm hurting really badly but I am also finding myself again and while on the surface I'm a mess deep down I know I will be ok and will find happiness again, so be positive, smile and show the world and everyone else that nothing is going to get the better of you.

[BC1980]

Thank you to everyone for the replies and pep talks. It helps so much to be able to vent and get support from this website. My family is much harsher. They say to forget him and find someone else. Obviously, you can't turn your emotions off that easily. This site has really been the best support for me.

[BC1980]

Did you guys have a lot of fights while you two were together?

 

We never fought, but we also never expressed our needs well either. I'm more apt to lay it all out if I have a problem, but he will let it fester. Those two personalities can create tension at times if you don't learn how to work together. That ended up being a big challenge for us.

[BC1980]

Thora-tiki, you should get paid for your advice. I do come back to this thread and re-read everyone's comments when I need to get reinforcement.

[xUnknown]

We never fought, but we also never expressed our needs well either. I'm more apt to lay it all out if I have a problem, but he will let it fester. Those two personalities can create tension at times if you don't learn how to work together. That ended up being a big challenge for us.

This is exactly the problem with my ex. She kept everything inside and got passive aggressive towards me. I on the other hand, would express myself more. Sure, I wouldn't say everything, however, much much more open than she was.

[Mariposa10]

Thora-tiki, you should get paid for your advice. I do come back to this thread and re-read everyone's comments when I need to get reinforcement.

 

I agree, every time Thora-tiki posts something I always learn something new or feel supported.

 

Hope you're feeling a little bit better BC1980

[lylat333]

Just saw the updates on this thread, sorry to hear BC1980. I know you are kicking yourself for breaking NC but it's hard to blame you. I honestly find it hard to believe he comes back so readily with the, "just doesn't know if it's going to work out" response. I don't think he has any clue what he's been putting you through.

 

If it's any consolation I too deal with the emotions of not wanting others and feeling like I will never love again. Despite missing my first ex maybe on a deeper level and despite the crap I went through with my ex, I still really wish things wouldn't have happened like they did and it still pains me to think I wish I could be going to bed with her again like we used to.

 

I think you might bounce back faster than you think. Just yesterday I wanted to blame my mom for the whole ordeal of her calling my ex a couple of months ago but the in the grand scheme of things there are greater issues at hand for why things are the way they are. I think our exes have issues that only they can work out and if we want something to happen w/ them we are completely at their mercy. And we know that's no way to live.

[BC1980]

I honestly find it hard to believe he comes back so readily with the, "just doesn't know if it's going to work out" response. I don't think he has any clue what he's been putting you through.

 

When it comes down to it, I walked right into this. I knew how detrimental it would be to call him. If he had actually changed his mind, he would have done more than send me a birthday gift with no note.

 

There is some good that has come out of this contact. I have seen that it would take him a year or more, most likely, to evolve to the point where he would even be ready for a relationship. So I do feel that it has given me some finality to move on.

 

He said, "I think I am making the right decision. Sometimes, I don't know." It's maddening really. What in the world goes on in the mind of someone like that?

Edited November 18, 2013 by BC1980