Initiated NC.

[thora-tiki]

I think you are missing my point, BC1980.

 

You won't open any lines of communication when you send the message

I am suggesting.

 

You just show the ex that the door is ajar,

but that you will be the one to open it.

 

He doesn't sound like he is respecting your no contact,

since this is the second time, in not that long, he has broken it.

 

Yes, he did.

 

He is just being a smarta*s and sneaky when he breaks it,

going through your parents.

 

Idiot ex.

 

Right now he has you trapped in limbo.

Because he has you worrying how this might look,

if you react to what he just did.

 

But don't you think it looked very strange that your ex,

sent your parents birthday cards?!

 

Let's have a survey:

Other forum members, please answer this question:

«How often has this happened to you?

That the ex has sent the family birthdays cards, when you are broken up?»

 

None of my three exes has ever done anything like that,

not even dildo face.

 

My advice is stop over thinking a simple plan.

 

To me, you are asking:

«But won't it look strange or stupid or like I am chasing my ex

or will this open the lines of communication

to send this message months after the break up?»

 

My harsh answer is, and the same I gave myself:

Well, it must feel strange and stupid to still be hung up in someone?

 

You have a choice:

Feel stupid for loving someone who doesn't love you back,

or feel «stupid» for taking back your power, and your life.

 

Of course this is up to you.

 

If you change your mind, you can sent the message I suggest, any time.

[BC1980]

I don't feel ready to send the message. I know it's because I am scared. If he sends me a birthday card, I will surely send the message. My birthday is coming up soon, so it will be interesting.

 

I think he sent the cards because he he scared to let go completely but scared to commit. Of course, it's all for selfish reasons because he won't let go in case he changes his mind to benefit himself.

[Mariposa10]

Yeah, I agree, it's even kind of rude to send a happy-birthday card after what happened.

 

OP, as far as he sending you a card for your birthday, I don't know because you did ask to not be contacted...

 

Anyway, we're all reading too much into this. LET'S STOP!!!

[Mariposa10]

Oh I have a question for Thora. So, according to what you've read, if we don't send some kind of message like the one you've suggested does it mean our exes will not evolve? That they will be the same or is it just about gaining some power and dignity back?

[BC1980]

Yeah, I agree, it's even kind of rude to send a happy-birthday card after what happened.

 

OP, as far as he sending you a card for your birthday, I don't know because you did ask to not be contacted...

 

Anyway, we're all reading too much into this. LET'S STOP!!!

 

That damn card had turned into such a setback. Now, I'm

all torn up, and the grief is hitting me. This is a lesson that NC is the only way to go. I don't get it. I was doing so well before this. I know it will pass though. I just have to get through it.

[thora-tiki]

I am sorry that stupid card turned out to be such a setback, buddy.

 

You have to appreciate that some days you will feel great others not so great,

this is part of the process and really take into account that all these feelings are positive in the long run

as they help you achieve your goals.

It is important to harness the bad energy an turn it into something

useful like a workout or work or classes, etc.

 

As long as you (try to) think nothing of what he does,

you will evolve better and enjoy the process.

 

Look at it this way:

If a guy was really over someone they would not waste a second of their time

remembering the exes PARENTS birthday AND sending a card - period.

 

That guy would be enjoying his new life, freedom, and happiness.

 

He is not, he is still living in the past.

 

You can always turn it around and send him the no contact message.

 

It all starts with the first step, sending no contact message,

and that first step is always the hardest one.

 

You are just scared like most people are to find out the truth.

 

But, if you are not ready to send it, then wait.

 

By the time of your birthday, you may not even need to sent the

no contact message - you may already have moved on by then.

[thora-tiki]

Hi, buddy!

 

How are you?

 

I just got back from my French class. It went très bien!

Bien entendu!

 

I'll answer your question like this:

 

To anyone interested in using the no contact message,

from the forum how to kick loves a*s:

 

You can't make someone change their mind, (without drugs or some other black hat methods).

 

Hah!

 

But I think you can help them kick-start the evolving past the break up

by sending the no contact message.

 

It will be like a clean slate that you both get at the same time,

and it is up to you individually, what you do with that clean slate.

 

Of course, the ex will probably evolve no matter what,

but I really believe that the message gives them that extra push.

 

The sooner you start (sending the message from how to kick loves a*s) the sooner you get your life back,

and get all the answers to all you questions about your relationship with the ex.

 

I believe the message starts both your evolution, when you send it,

and when the ex receives it (the no contact message).

I guess the idea behind the message is that your ex will get the notion that you are not waiting

around for them to «swing by» whenever they feel like it,

or that they can keep you warm with texts or e-mails or phone calls, etc. so that the ex can resume

the relationship when they want to.

 

The message gets you (back) on their mind.

 

This is the message:

 

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up.

I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready.»

No contact explained, from the forum on how to kick loves a*s:

«That message that I recommend is sort of cold and clean like a lawyer would send.

There is no emotion in there and that really catches people off guard,

and because it is so short and vague they will start to get curious - right?

 

I had to find an answer to the question:

«I already started my own NC and it isn’t working, or

I didn’t understand how NC works and we haven’t talked for x amount of time -

is it too late, what do I do now?»

 

This little NC message seems to get reactions from everyone who has used it lately - why not give it a try?

 

The main thing you want to do is remind them it was their decision to break up and now you are making some big decisions and you don’t want to be disturbed while you make them.

 

Is any of this a lie, your ex did break up with you right?

 

You do have a big decision to make - whether to move on or not.

 

And you don’t want any contact from them, and by telling people they can’t have something makes them want it more - right?

What is happening here?

You are in a sense now breaking up with them, and raising curiosity.

 

Why would she send me this message now?

What big decision is she talking about?

She will be in touch - what will she say?

«Switch Flipped» NC Message mission accomplished!»

 

But this is about you, and not the ex.

 

No contact will be good for both of you, neither of you will ever be able to move forward if you don't let go of the past, and personally evolve.

I think the reason some of the members on here and other forums

say they don't see results is because

- the message they are using has no real punch to it, or it is too emotional

or

- they are focusing on getting the ex back, and not getting their life back.

 

This is your life, and you don't need to waste it waiting for someone to make the first move,

you make they first move (by sending the no contact message and start evolving).

 

Sending the message I am suggesting, from the how to kick loves a*s forum,

will make a bold statement, and the ex won't expect it.

Nothing removes the smug smile and feeling the ex has right now, like a good kick in the a*s,

and that is just what the right no contact message will do.

 

Both you and the ex must evolve past the old failed relationship,

before anything good can happen.

 

If there was «true» love they will evolve too and be back.

 

But in the mean time, there is no sense sitting around whilst he evolves.

 

You are headed for bigger and better things.

 

It is never too late to evolve past your break up, and get your life back.

 

Only «catch» I can think of, would be that you might not want the ex back after you have evolved past the old failed relationship and the break up.

 

The no contact message helps the both of you put the old failed relationship behind you,

and get you ready for a new relationship.

 

Whilst you are doing no contact (sending the ex the message and following a plan to help you evolve, like the plan in the e-book the magic of making up) the ex will do the same thing (evolve) -

if you give it enough time.

 

This is about lasting long term results, not convincing someone who isn't ready (or possibly not worthy) to come back to you.

 

If the ex doesn't evolve, then you will not want him back.

 

If he doesn't come back, he was never coming back anyways.

[BrightHope]

BC1980

Remember all of the wonderful advice you gave me! You are thoughtful, wonderful, compassionate and kind. I trust you to do what's right for you....whatever that may be.

[BC1980]

I am sorry that stupid card turned out to be such a setback, buddy.

 

You have to appreciate that some days you will feel great others not so great,

this is part of the process and really take into account that all these feelings are positive in the long run

as they help you achieve your goals.

It is important to harness the bad energy an turn it into something

useful like a workout or work or classes, etc.

 

As long as you (try to) think nothing of what he does,

you will evolve better and enjoy the process.

 

Look at it this way:

If a guy was really over someone they would not waste a second of their time

remembering the exes PARENTS birthday AND sending a card - period.

 

That guy would be enjoying his new life, freedom, and happiness.

 

He is not, he is still living in the past.

 

You can always turn it around and send him the no contact message.

 

It all starts with the first step, sending no contact message,

and that first step is always the hardest one.

 

You are just scared like most people are to find out the truth.

 

But, if you are not ready to send it, then wait.

 

By the time of your birthday, you may not even need to sent the

no contact message - you may already have moved on by then.

 

Thanks. I got out and ended up going to sit at a park and read just to get out of the house. I think I am going to sign up to volunteer at one of the animal shelters here. It's something I have always wanted to do.

[BC1980]

BC1980

Remember all of the wonderful advice you gave me! You are thoughtful, wonderful, compassionate and kind. I trust you to do what's right for you....whatever that may be.

 

Thank you. It's so easy to see the truth in other people's situations. Of course, when you love someone, you want to think your situation is unique. Of course, it is not, and tons of people have gone through the same thing.

[thora-tiki]

Good for you, buddy!

That is the attitude: focus on you and what you want.

 

You have too much important sh*t in your life to accomplish -

why waste your precious time on someone that doesn't know what he wants -

his attitude at the moment will only drag you down.

 

He can't even handle his own sh*t, that is the reason he is reaching out,

through your parents (how lame is that!) never mind be a supporting force in your life,

at the moment.

 

You wrote:

I think I am going to sign up to volunteer at one of the animal shelters here.

 

I love all animals.

I used to have rats, they were so cute, funny and curious.

 

One time one of them, Patsy, she was black and white, hid in my bookshelf, she had in all secrecy

been storing her treats (like grapes or dried banana) there.

 

So no wonder this was her favourite place to run to when she was out of her cage! Hah!

 

She and her sister, Stella, she was white, had a cage they slept in at night,

they also had all their toys and fun stuff to do in the cage.

 

I wanted a cage for them so they had place they felt safe and could relax -

must have been tiring always being on an adventure in my bookshelf,

or being petted or sitting on my shoulder or being held by me all the time.

 

Stella loved to hang from the bars inside the cage and

swing from the cage roof. I can still picture her hanging like that...

She even did this, swing, to win me over when I was in the pet shop,

I had my heart set on Patsy and another sister, but that rat (sister) was sleeping.

Pahaha!

 

Stella awoke and started to swing and looked at me: Pick me, lady!

 

The guy that worked in the pet shop said:

«I think she wants you to pick her!»

 

Bahaha!

[BC1980]

Good for you, buddy!

That is the attitude: focus on you and what you want.

 

You have too much important sh*t in your life to accomplish -

why waste your precious time on someone that doesn't know what he wants -

his attitude at the moment will only drag you down.

 

He can't even handle his own sh*t, that is the reason he is reaching out,

through your parents (how lame is that!) never mind be a supporting force in your life,

at the moment.

 

You are right. He needs to be able to figure out himself and evolve before he is even fit to be in a relationship.

[BC1980]

Here's my dilemma. I really want to move on and be done with this. I can't take round 2000 with this commitment phobe even though we left the door open to reconciliation. I have been 7 weeks NC, so do I call and let him know I am done and moving on. OR do I just never talk to him again? I do have some things of his that need to be returned.

 

I just know that I don't deserve this. I'm sick of letting someone drag me down who isn't even present and accountable for a real relationship. I deserve someone who actually wants to be with me and who doesn't make shady promises. I feel I need to do the grief work now instead of gambling on a second chance that might never pan out.

[BC1980]

Also, I actually requested NC. So we left it as I would contact him when I'm ready.

[Simon Phoenix]

Also, I actually requested NC. So we left it as I would contact him when I'm ready.

 

Just send the stuff to him without a big conversation.

[Mariposa10]

I read earlier today one of your posts about how you felt like contacting him yesterday. I think you're going through a hard time right now. Why don't you wait a week to decide what to do? My advice is to wait one week to really think it through... and if you still feel like doing something just send him his things.

[BC1980]

I've been feeling bad for a week. I know what I need to do, but I think I'm grieving the actual end. Second guessing myself. Should I try to work it out with him? I've got to make the final move forward one way or the other. It's me. I'm putting the cap on my own happiness. I'm not letting myself move forward. I can't blame him.

[BC1980]

Just send the stuff to him without a big conversation.

 

I think you are right. Can't really see facing him right now.

[Mariposa10]

I've been feeling bad for a week. I know what I need to do, but I think I'm grieving the actual end. Second guessing myself. Should I try to work it out with him? I've got to make the final move forward one way or the other. It's me. I'm putting the cap on my own happiness. I'm not letting myself move forward. I can't blame him.

 

Are you emotionally ready for the way he might act after you send him his things??

[BC1980]

Are you emotionally ready for the way he might act after you send him his things??

 

Not at all. I'm a wreck right now. I need to go hide in my NC cave right now. Just feeling sh$tty. Had been doing so well, and now I feel anxious most of the time. I can't concentrate at work right now. It's like I'm back at week 1. Is this normal?

[Mariposa10]

Not at all. I'm a wreck right now. I need to go hide in my NC cave right now. Just feeling sh$tty. Had been doing so well, and now I feel anxious most of the time. I can't concentrate at work right now. It's like I'm back at week 1. Is this normal?

 

My advice is to not be so hard on yourself. Go out, grab some coffee with some friends. Go buy something nice for you. Do something you love doing. Things are constantly changing, you might not feel like this next week, give it time.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't send him his things just yet...

 

DO SOMETHING FUN!!

[BC1980]

My advice is to not be so hard on yourself. Go out, grab some coffee with some friends. Go buy something nice for you. Do something you love doing. Things are constantly changing, you might not feel like this next week, give it time.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't send him his things just yet...

 

DO SOMETHING FUN!!

 

I'm holding off because I don't want to make any decisions based on pure emotions.

[Mariposa10]

I'm holding off because I don't want to make any decisions based on pure emotions.

 

 

Sounds like the most reasonable thing to do right now.

[Mariposa10]

To OP, how are you doing?

[BC1980]

To OP, how are you doing?

 

I'm doing much better. It's officially 6 months since the breakup, and the finality of it hit me hard. I've had a rough week processing my emotions. Luckily, my friends and family came to the rescue and forced me to get out of the house. I've never had to grieve like this, and it truly sucks.

 

One thing I have learned over and over again is that you are the only one responsible for recovery and moving on. My ex left the door open for a second chance and still has the engagement ring, and I have been using those facts to live in a little bit of denial, but I made the decision not to do that anymore. Honestly, it's a conscious decision you make everyday. You can live in denial even if the ex slams the door in your face. It all comes down to you in the end.