Initiated NC.

[lylat333]

He said, "I think I am making the right decision. Sometimes, I don't know." It's maddening really. What in the world goes on in the mind of someone like that?

 

I don't know, from our point of view it's crazy talk. We hurt so much over the possibility of losing them for good. I think what hurts so much is even though they may act like it's hard for them or they're confused, they don't really seem that heartbroken or concerned about losing us. I don't know if it's something that inevitably manifests in the future or if it just dies off over time as they sit in their haze.

[Mariposa10]

When it comes down to it, I walked right into this. I knew how detrimental it would be to call him. If he had actually changed his mind, he would have done more than send me a birthday gift with no note.

 

There is some good that has come out of this contact. I have seen that it would take him a year or more, most likely, to evolve to the point where he would even be ready for a relationship. So I do feel that it has given me some finality to move on.

 

He said, "I think I am making the right decision. Sometimes, I don't know." It's maddening really. What in the world goes on in the mind of someone like that?

 

I know how I keep talking about how we should only focus on the positive, but that's the only thing I have left.

I see it as a good sign that he's not being weak, and letting his emotions get the best of him. Obviously he still has feelings for you, but right now it's not the right timing. Imagine if he had been weak and would've wanted to get back together just to change his mind in a year? Or when you two had already gotten married and had children?

[Simon Phoenix]

Just saw this, and this sucks. There's nothing worse than a self-inflicted wound, and that's what this was. Really nothing to say except that I hope you've finally gotten this out of your system. As for the ring, I really don't get why it's such a big talking point. The fact that he hasn't taken it back literally means nothing -- he could put it an safety-deposit box and give it to someone else if he chose. I agree with Mariposa that the two of you need to stop discussing it. It's completely irrelevant.

[BC1980]

Just saw this, and this sucks. There's nothing worse than a self-inflicted wound, and that's what this was. Really nothing to say except that I hope you've finally gotten this out of your system. As for the ring, I really don't get why it's such a big talking point. The fact that he hasn't taken it back literally means nothing -- he could put it an safety-deposit box and give it to someone else if he chose. I agree with Mariposa that the two of you need to stop discussing it. It's completely irrelevant.

 

Yup, it was self-inflicted all the way. He said exactly what I knew he would say. It all played to script. Next time I want to break NC, I will come on here and let everyone talk me out of it.

 

The ring became a talking point because he said he would give me the money when he sold it back. He told me this the night he broke up with me. I guess he would do it out of guilt most likely. I certainly won't turn it down, that's for sure. At first, I said I didn't want the money, but, then I figured, might as well if he's offering.

 

I will probably never see this money in all probability.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yup, it was self-inflicted all the way. He said exactly what I knew he would say. It all played to script. Next time I want to break NC, I will come on here and let everyone talk me out of it.

 

The ring became a talking point because he said he would give me the money when he sold it back. He told me this the night he broke up with me. I guess he would do it out of guilt most likely. I certainly won't turn it down, that's for sure. At first, I said I didn't want the money, but, then I figured, might as well if he's offering.

 

I will probably never see this money in all probability.

 

You aren't going to see that money, and to be honest, there's no reason to give it to you. I just think it's a subject that doesn't matter that causes unnecessary drama.

[BC1980]

You aren't going to see that money, and to be honest, there's no reason to give it to you. I just think it's a subject that doesn't matter that causes unnecessary drama.

 

I agree. It means nothing. I think he offered the money out of guilt, and that is all. I thought it was a weird thing to do. It was almost demeaning in a way. Like, he felt I needed pity and a parting gift of money.

[Mariposa10]

I don't know how you two can even talk about the ring, I would've told him to stuff it somewhere... I get mad just by reading about it...

 

Even if he tried giving you the money, I wouldn't take it...

[Never Again]

I agree. It means nothing. I think he offered the money out of guilt, and that is all. I thought it was a weird thing to do. It was almost demeaning in a way. Like, he felt I needed pity and a parting gift of money.

 

It's just another way to keep the breakup current.

 

The ring exists NOW, the money could exist in the FUTURE, and it all ties in to the past.

 

It might be out of guilt, but the fact that he's committed no action on this means that...well, it's another way to get to you. Pull your emotional strings to see if you care, while offering a consolation prize to make him feel like a "good guy".

 

It's just more ammo for breadcrumbs, unfortunately.

[BC1980]

It's just another way to keep the breakup current.

 

The ring exists NOW, the money could exist in the FUTURE, and it all ties in to the past.

 

It might be out of guilt, but the fact that he's committed no action on this means that...well, it's another way to get to you. Pull your emotional strings to see if you care, while offering a consolation prize to make him feel like a "good guy".

 

It's just more ammo for breadcrumbs, unfortunately.

 

This is spot on. Thank you for making me see that.

[Brown-Eyez]

I did something beyond stupid last night. I broke NC. Please learn from this.

 

So, a week ago, the ex sent me an early birthday gift in the mail. There was actually no note with it, but I knew it was from him because it was something I had mentioned wanting. I was pretty upset about it, but I wasn't going to contact him.

 

After work last night, I talked myself into calling him. He said the gift was from him. It was awful. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I said not unless he was rethinking his decision. He said he feels that the relationship just won't work, and there is someone better for me out there. I said to sell the engagement ring back, and he said he would do that if I wanted him to. He said he will give me the money from the ring because he feels that it was bought for me. I ended up crying, and we ended up texting each other later. He said he feels that at some other point in time (years down the line), the relationship could work. But he can't ask me to wait that long because it isn't right to string me along.

 

I'm just so ashamed that I actually contacted him. I'm so disgusted that I let myself be vulnerable and cry in from of him again. WTF? I feel like I am reliving the breakup right now. There is no excuse for what I did. I knew I shouldn't have called him, and I brought all of this on myself. I thought I was further along than this, but I am clearly not. This has shaken me so badly.

 

I don't know what to do. Do I just send an email stating that I would like no further contact from him and send a family member to return the rest of his stuff? I keep bargaining a way to keep a friendship with him. Could that actually work? I can't believe I am even asking that, but this guy is/was my best friend. It's tearing me up thinking of never seeing him again. However, the thought of seeing him is also painful because it reminds me of the past.

 

This is just horrible, and I really can only blame myself at this point. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at what happened.

 

I feel for you deeply

it is so very hard to let go when it wasn't your choice

its even harder when they try to string you along

you're not stupid, just a loving human

 

go back to no contact, you can do it!!

and sooner or later you will find someone who is a thousand times better!

 

sending love & hugs your way!

[la74219]

BC1980 don't feel so bad. Even with Mariposa10 advice, I broke no contact after 2 days. Yep I got the expected result. "This isn't ever going to work even if I wanted to change my mind I couldn't get back with you after all of this blah blah blah". I knew it was coming and I still did it. All we did was argue. The conversation left off with me being pretty emotional and just asking why the hell she left me and this and that..the usual. Anyhow don't be too hard on yourself..I'm right there with you. Live and learn. I've come to the realization that as hard as it's going to be..cutting off all contact for the time being is just the best for both of us. Neither of us are in the right frame of mind to have any discussions about anything. She says she wants me to leave her alone so she can get over me. And she wants to determine the time frame when we talk again. And I'm over here trying to stay relevant so she DOESNT get over me. It's a vicious cycle. I hate it, but I'm trying to stay strong and you should too. Unfortunately I have to see her and hear her at work but hey that's no excuse. I need to dig deep and find a way to heal because I'm not being fair to myself. So March forward with me..I got your back.

[Mariposa10]

BC1980 don't feel so bad. Even with Mariposa10 advice, I broke no contact after 2 days. Yep I got the expected result. "This isn't ever going to work even if I wanted to change my mind I couldn't get back with you after all of this blah blah blah". I knew it was coming and I still did it. All we did was argue. The conversation left off with me being pretty emotional and just asking why the hell she left me and this and that..the usual. Anyhow don't be too hard on yourself..I'm right there with you. Live and learn. I've come to the realization that as hard as it's going to be..cutting off all contact for the time being is just the best for both of us. Neither of us are in the right frame of mind to have any discussions about anything. She says she wants me to leave her alone so she can get over me. And she wants to determine the time frame when we talk again. And I'm over here trying to stay relevant so she DOESNT get over me. It's a vicious cycle. I hate it, but I'm trying to stay strong and you should too. Unfortunately I have to see her and hear her at work but hey that's no excuse. I need to dig deep and find a way to heal because I'm not being fair to myself. So March forward with me..I got your back.

 

I hope that after you contacting her, you won't contact her again... Nothing good will come from it.

I'm sorry to hear you'll have to see her at work...

[BC1980]

BC1980 don't feel so bad. Even with Mariposa10 advice, I broke no contact after 2 days. Yep I got the expected result. "This isn't ever going to work even if I wanted to change my mind I couldn't get back with you after all of this blah blah blah". I knew it was coming and I still did it. All we did was argue. The conversation left off with me being pretty emotional and just asking why the hell she left me and this and that..the usual. Anyhow don't be too hard on yourself..I'm right there with you. Live and learn. I've come to the realization that as hard as it's going to be..cutting off all contact for the time being is just the best for both of us. Neither of us are in the right frame of mind to have any discussions about anything. She says she wants me to leave her alone so she can get over me. And she wants to determine the time frame when we talk again. And I'm over here trying to stay relevant so she DOESNT get over me. It's a vicious cycle. I hate it, but I'm trying to stay strong and you should too. Unfortunately I have to see her and hear her at work but hey that's no excuse. I need to dig deep and find a way to heal because I'm not being fair to myself. So March forward with me..I got your back.

 

I actually met my ex at work. Thanks goodness he ended up changing jobs about a year ago. It would be agony to see him everyday at work, and we would have to interact at some point. There would be no way around it.

 

In the early days of the breakup, I contacted my ex several times, and it would always devolve into some ridiculous relationship discussion that ended with both of us crying. So you did what most people have done. Be easy on yourself at this point. There will be plenty more times you want to break NC for various reasons. Sometimes, I would want to break it just to hear his voice. Other times, I would want to tell him off. All of it is detrimental to healing because you have invested negative emotion in another person. You feel like sh*t afterwards. Once again, you feel rejected. As bad as NC can feel sometimes, the alternative is worse.

[BC1980]

I hope that after you contacting her, you won't contact her again... Nothing good will come from it.

I'm sorry to hear you'll have to see her at work...

 

I cannot think of a single time that sometimes positive has come from me breaking NC. It's like we want to check and see if the other person has changed. Of course, they haven't.

[Brown-Eyez]

... As bad as NC can feel sometimes, the alternative is worse.

 

no truer words were spoken..

 

i hope bc1980 you're doing better today..

[BC1980]

no truer words were spoken..

 

i hope bc1980 you're doing better today..

 

I do actually feel better. I'm sure I will have some down moments, but I really try not to think of the past. Maybe one day, I can look back at it with good memories, but I just can't right now. I'm bagging up the rest of his stuff, and my sister will contact him about returning it. I threw some stuff away, but there are some pictures of him and his son, as well as some other personal things, that I do feel should be returned to him.

 

I did have a little cry going through the stuff, which is why I would tell everyone to get rid of all things associated with the ex. I'm letting this relationship go even if he doesn't know how to. On to better things:-)

[la74219]

I am hoping not to break it again. BC1980 is right..nothing good comes from it at this point. I did apologize to her after and told her that she didn't deserve to hear all the mean things I said. I really meant that. It was a true heartfelt apology..I just let my emotions get the best of me. Told her i think it would benefit us both one day to have a conversation once we are healed and that she knows how to reach me. She said thank you and that the apology really meant a lot. Not that it accomplished much I guess..but I felt a bit of a weight off my shoulders.

[BC1980]

We feel that if we contact them one more time, we can keep some sort of tie. The reality is that there is no tie anymore. So we talk ourselves into calling them and make excuses to do it. I always felt worse a few days later.

[Jules78]

I am hoping not to break it again. BC1980 is right..nothing good comes from it at this point. I did apologize to her after and told her that she didn't deserve to hear all the mean things I said. I really meant that. It was a true heartfelt apology..I just let my emotions get the best of me. Told her i think it would benefit us both one day to have a conversation once we are healed and that she knows how to reach me. She said thank you and that the apology really meant a lot. Not that it accomplished much I guess..but I felt a bit of a weight off my shoulders.

 

 

I want to do this today. Send a short email to my ex and apologize for the meanest email that I sent to him after he continued to ignore me for 5 days. I still haven't heard from him. Thing is, we broke up a month ago and he has been begging me to take him back. I kept saying no, I needed time but he was relentless. I guess on that Thursday (Nov. 7th) he just gave up. But I didn't know he was giving up. He went NC and poof just like that - gone.

[la74219]

I asked her to meet up Saturday to have one final talk, and she didn't want to at first but then agreed. After reading these posts again, I told her it's best if we didn't meet. I'm proud I had the courage to do that. I really wanted to see her, but I know it's not for the best. She said she wants space to move on. Ughhhh. BC1980 - your situation and strength is really an inspiration for me. So thank you.

[BC1980]

I asked her to meet up Saturday to have one final talk, and she didn't want to at first but then agreed. After reading these posts again, I told her it's best if we didn't meet. I'm proud I had the courage to do that. I really wanted to see her, but I know it's not for the best. She said she wants space to move on. Ughhhh. BC1980 - your situation and strength is really an inspiration for me. So thank you.

 

Thanks, but it's been really hard for me. I was not strong in the beginning and made a lot of classic mistakes. I learned from people on LS, only it was too late by the time I took the advice. I had a hiccup last Friday and called him, but that will be it. I'm exhausted, and I can't take him anymore. I'm officially done with him unless he comes back begging. Even then, I am reticent to say I would actually take him back. It's a big maybe.

[BC1980]

I want to do this today. Send a short email to my ex and apologize for the meanest email that I sent to him after he continued to ignore me for 5 days. I still haven't heard from him. Thing is, we broke up a month ago and he has been begging me to take him back. I kept saying no, I needed time but he was relentless. I guess on that Thursday (Nov. 7th) he just gave up. But I didn't know he was giving up. He went NC and poof just like that - gone.

 

Your situation sounds messy like mine was in the beginning. NC is the best remedy for that. For the first 2 months after my breakup, I broke NC several times and saw my ex a few times. Then, I stopped contacting him, and he started contacting me quite a lot. Then, I went NC.

 

It was just such a mess. There's more that went on, but it would be a novel if I wrote it all out. The single biggest regret I have is not going NC immediately. It would have prevented a lot of pain, and I could have moved on quicker. I would not have given my ex the security of knowing I would take him back. All we can do is learn from our lessons and others. I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing with NC.

[la74219]

BC1980 - I can't do this anymore either. I keep trying to talk to her, and she keeps saying we can't talk because she needs to move on and this is making it harder. I feel the need to keep myself relevant so she doesn't forget me and move on..but I think I'm getting close to the point where I'm about done. It's just too exhausting to keep trying. Do you think it is worth it to have one final conversation? Or do you think that will just make it worse?

[BC1980]

I asked her to meet up Saturday to have one final talk, and she didn't want to at first but then agreed. After reading these posts again, I told her it's best if we didn't meet. I'm proud I had the courage to do that. I really wanted to see her, but I know it's not for the best. She said she wants space to move on. Ughhhh. BC1980 - your situation and strength is really an inspiration for me. So thank you.

 

Good job on cancelling the meeting. Trust me, nothing good ever comes of the "one last talk." There are so many things I would like to tell my ex. I was just thinking of some things today in fact, but what is the point? There will always be one more thing to tell the ex. It's really just a reason to stay emotionally tied to the ex. If the ex were some random person walking down the street, would I feel compelled to tell them how dysfunctional they are? Well, the ex is no longer part of our lives anymore either. So he/she can do what they please, and it has nothing to do with me.

 

You will never go wrong if you turn the focus back onto you. You will move on and protect yourself by doing so. It's very important to protect yourself emotionally, and that means no longer exposing yourself to the ex and any relationship talk.

[la74219]

Good job on cancelling the meeting. Trust me, nothing good ever comes of the "one last talk." There are so many things I would like to tell my ex. I was just thinking of some things today in fact, but what is the point? There will always be one more thing to tell the ex. It's really just a reason to stay emotionally tied to the ex. If the ex were some random person walking down the street, would I feel compelled to tell them how dysfunctional they are? Well, the ex is no longer part of our lives anymore either. So he/she can do what they please, and it has nothing to do with me.

 

You will never go wrong if you turn the focus back onto you. You will move on and protect yourself by doing so. It's very important to protect yourself emotionally, and that means no longer exposing yourself to the ex and any relationship talk.

 

I'm trying it's so hard. It's like she hasn't completely got over this yet, but I don't want her to! But then I have to look out for myself too, and also respect her wishes for space to get over it. Do you think she will ever reach out to me again?