Initiated NC.

[redbaron005]

Between April 2013 and Dec 2013, I was still in contact with my ex. Same kind of stuff I've seen you mention. Just a lot of false hope, mixed messages, and back and forth. I think he sent this package because he honestly can't believe I haven't contacted him in 6 months. It's just a clumsy way of keeping his foot in the door. Once I made my mind up to do NC, there was just no way I'd break it. I can't go back there.

 

Strong resolve BC.

[Simon Phoenix]

WOW.

 

You and I share the SAME EXACT story.

 

I too, very recently, told my ex I needed to fully move on with my life & asked that he please not respond.

 

He did, however, a few days later.

 

Sent really sweet sad-ish love songs (songs about getting back together) and texted me that my email hurt him.

 

I know I shouldn't have responded at all but I did.

 

It's hard for me to ignore anybody, no matter what. Especially him.

 

All I said back was "Wasn't trying to hurt you" he said he knew then I replied back, "It wasn't easy for me, you know" he said he knew & that was that.

 

I KNOW I will hear from him again. Just not sure I want to anymore.

 

You really need to stop picking that scab. He's not going to disappear on his own -- there's no reason for him to. It's up to you to have the resolve to not succumb.

[BC1980]

I am a year since break up, and have been nc since Nov. Last month I found out that my ex was engaged to be married in Aug, the next day she text me about closing our joint bank account. I had been doing really well up to that point but it really knocked me down. I can imagine getting the package really brought all the feelings back, I spent a few days down in the dumps but bounced back much quicker. I received a text again this week about the bank thing again and it still shakes me up a little, I just have to remember that part of me is still grieving (regardless of the time!) and just to be kind to yourself.

It really sucks that your ex is returning to work - 3 months that is about the time my ex will be getting wed, I am just hoping that in 3 months I will be in a much stronger place to deal with it as each week/month I do get stronger.

Good luck

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. I've luckily not had to deal with knowing if my ex is in another relationship or not, but there is always the possibility of knowing that someday. Word seems to get around in weird ways.

 

It is amazing how just any small interaction has the capability of sending you spiraling. Just seeing his handwriting on the note brought back memories. It makes me feel weak, but I think I'm just human. I'm going to be affected, but it's up to me how much I let it affect me. I can control my reaction.

 

Stay strong. Closing the joint banking account is only a formality at this point, but I know it has the potential to seem like more. My ex and I shared some finances, and I remember opening up my own savings account last fall to save for a house. It was hard to do that because it was me making a decision to move forward. However, the relationship had been over for months by that point, so it was really just a formality.

[BC1980]

Strong resolve BC.

 

I was so emotionally spent by the time I implemented NC that I knew it was all I could do. Trust me, I made many mistakes before actually going NC for real and making conscious decisions to let myself heal.

[BC1980]

Just want to add a voice of support. I'm glad this contact was legit in that it consisted of items of yours that you left behind. Nevertheless, I'd be wary of him keeping you on a string. It sounds like he likes to do that; he has done it in the past; and you may need to put an end to ANY future contact from him so that he knows he can't just pop in, even in a small way. If I have a bead on your ex, he seems like the classic commitmentphobe who has convinced himself the possibility of a relationship with you exists in some nebulous realm, just not NOW. It's a way of not having to make any decisions.

 

I think you are dead on with regards to my ex. The last we spoke, he actually said that maybe in a few years things could work out. It's just silly to say something like that, but it's like if he keeps that in his mind he can have his cake and eat it too. I don't even really think he's conscious of what he is doing. He told me to go date other people if I wanted to, so I truly think that he feels like he set me free. At one point last fall, he did think I was dating someone else, and he panicked a little. Of course, when he found out I wasn't, he back tracked again and had no intentions to pursue me. I feel like your story is similar to mine.

 

I've stopped trying to analyze it because whatever it is, he is not able to be in a healthy, committed relationship with me. Therefore, I am moving on with NC and getting my life together. I spent so many days mired in analyzing his actions that it almost repulses me to even think about it again. I'm at the point where I just want to be done with it, and him suddenly popping up again messed with my head. It brought him back into the fore front because I was wondering how I should act at work when I see him, what if he tries to talk to me, ect. It just went from there, and he has consumed my thoughts for the past few days. Then, the package shows up to add more BS to the pile.

 

I just need to keep remembering that I am in control here. I don't have to go down the road of thinking about him again. I've diverting my thoughts, and I'm moving on.

[BC1980]

WOW.

 

You and I share the SAME EXACT story.

 

I too, very recently, told my ex I needed to fully move on with my life & asked that he please not respond.

 

He did, however, a few days later.

 

Sent really sweet sad-ish love songs (songs about getting back together) and texted me that my email hurt him.

 

I know I shouldn't have responded at all but I did.

 

It's hard for me to ignore anybody, no matter what. Especially him.

 

All I said back was "Wasn't trying to hurt you" he said he knew then I replied back, "It wasn't easy for me, you know" he said he knew & that was that.

 

I KNOW I will hear from him again. Just not sure I want to anymore.

 

I agree with Simon. You are basically mired in quicksand and not moving forward when you respond in ANY form at all. I've done what you are doing, and it only stalls the healing process. Trust me, your ex will show up again. They always do. Just like mine popped up when I least expected it. I've anticipated him making contact at the very least, so I knew I had to be ready. I know that not responding shows support for my decision to go NC. I am supporting and loving myself by not responding to the package he sent. Once you start to see it in those terms, there won't even be a question as to whether or not you will respond. It hurts me, yes, but I'm not looking to him to help me with my hurt this time.

[Zapbasket]

I think you are dead on with regards to my ex. The last we spoke, he actually said that maybe in a few years things could work out. It's just silly to say something like that, but it's like if he keeps that in his mind he can have his cake and eat it too. I don't even really think he's conscious of what he is doing. He told me to go date other people if I wanted to, so I truly think that he feels like he set me free. At one point last fall, he did think I was dating someone else, and he panicked a little. Of course, when he found out I wasn't, he back tracked again and had no intentions to pursue me.

 

:rolleyes: at that last sentence. I think you're right that he's probably not conscious of the push-pull effect his behavior has on you, and the confusion it causes. And my sense is that he never will become aware. What kind of work arrangement is it that you will have with him? Are you going to have to see and interact with him in close quarters every day of the week? Or are you in the same building but don't necessarily see or have to interact with each other? (I hope for your sake it's the latter.)

 

One thing is certain: he will do nothing to make this easier for you. It all will have to come from you. It sounds like you are in a great mental and emotional space to be prepared for this and to respond to the challenge in a way that supports YOU. But still, I feel for you because I know it won't be easy.

 

I've been telling myself that ideally I won't encounter my ex ever, or at least not for another year, because I'm still working through confusion and I'm afraid if I encounter him (like at a store or restaurant) and don't have a way to escape unseen, my emotions will get the better of me. I don't want to see him until I KNOW with every part of me that I'm on a path to something better and he is best left behind. Right now, there's still an irrational, tenacious piece of me hoping for the impossible.

 

I feel like your story is similar to mine.

 

Except I don't think my ex believes he has me on a string. I don't know, but my sense tells me he'll never try to get in touch. Your ex, on the other hand, most likely will never get the point and will go on believing he has you on a string for that perfect day in the future when he decides to reclaim you. He'll probably believe that even in the face of you clearly moving on. Hopefully by then his denial will only make you the more relieved you are not still stuck in a relationship with him.

[BC1980]

He will work at the same hospital as me. It's a big hospital. He's a doctor, and I'm a nurse. I don't think we will see each other too much, but it's going to happen at some point.

 

I think he will try to be pretty friendly, but I'm going to cut it off quickly. I'll be nice and professional, but I need him to understand that I don't care to discuss anything not work related. He will respect that. He won't like it, but he'll abide by it. I don't hate him, but I can't be friends with him.

[BC1980]

:rolleyes: at that last sentence. I think you're right that he's probably not conscious of the push-pull effect his behavior has on you, and the confusion it causes. And my sense is that he never will become aware.

 

I think he is simply the way he is. He would do better to find a partner who doesn't really expect much of him emotionally, and there are certainly people out there like that. According to his sister, his first wife was cold and didn't care if he worked himself to death and never came home. She said they never acted affectionate around one another.

 

I probably made him uncomfortable at times because I do discuss my feelings in a more candid way. Even if I had a bad day at work and wanted to discuss that with him, he didn't like that. He was uncomfortable with any deep display of emotions, which is why I felt like I had to watch myself around him. I'm not even one to display emotions readily, and it was rare that I would to him. But it made him super freaked out. Same thing with his son. His son was actually over the top emotional, which a lot of kids are. My ex would just freak and handle it poorly.

 

Personality differences like that are hard to overcome.

[lil hoodlum]

I think you are dead on with regards to my ex. The last we spoke, he actually said that maybe in a few years things could work out. It's just silly to say something like that, but it's like if he keeps that in his mind he can have his cake and eat it too. I don't even really think he's conscious of what he is doing. He told me to go date other people if I wanted to, so I truly think that he feels like he set me free. At one point last fall, he did think I was dating someone else, and he panicked a little. Of course, when he found out I wasn't, he back tracked again and had no intentions to pursue me. I feel like your story is similar to mine.

 

I've stopped trying to analyze it because whatever it is, he is not able to be in a healthy, committed relationship with me. Therefore, I am moving on with NC and getting my life together. I spent so many days mired in analyzing his actions that it almost repulses me to even think about it again. I'm at the point where I just want to be done with it, and him suddenly popping up again messed with my head. It brought him back into the fore front because I was wondering how I should act at work when I see him, what if he tries to talk to me, ect. It just went from there, and he has consumed my thoughts for the past few days. Then, the package shows up to add more BS to the pile.

 

I just need to keep remembering that I am in control here. I don't have to go down the road of thinking about him again. I've diverting my thoughts, and I'm moving on.

 

 

If you want to really mess with his emotions/screw him up, just plain flat out ignore him. Act as if he is not even there, even if he is in your presence. My ex and I work together, she dumped me very coldly and did this exact thing to me. It really messed me up more than the crummy way she deleted me from her life. I think it is beyond mean to act this way, but it will definitely send a very loud and clear message to him.

 

I did the same things as you, tried to be friendly, courteous, professional, etc. Took the high road. My ex totally acted as if I just ceased to exist. I absolutely did nothing to her to deserve being treated like this. Being ignored really hurt me more than anything.

 

Take solace in knowing that you tried to work things out with your ex. You don't have to wonder about the "what ifs". You did all that you could. I don't understand why some ex's just have to act the way they do, but they do it for a reason. Things not working out with your ex is on him. He can live with that. Not your problem anymore. You have every right to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your healing progress.

[lil hoodlum]

BC:

 

Getting contact for the first time in such a long time can totally be a road bump. But, take solace in the fact that the Earth has not tilted off it's axis. You are in a much better place than you were several months ago. Go back and read through your entire thread. You will see how much you've grown since then. Remind yourself of how good you are, and that you deserve so much better treatment than what he could EVER offer you.

 

What people don't tell you about break ups is that you have to knock your ex off his pedestal, not just once, but repeatedly. Going through a break up is kind of like choosing to love. Some days, it's very hard, and you have to remind yourself of why you are doing what you are doing by staying in No Contact. By choosing not to engage, you remain true to yourself and your convictions. You choose to love you. You choose to do right by you.

 

So he sent you some of your stuff and a nice note. It's like hearing from an old friend that occasionally remembers you exist from time to time. But that's the best he can ever do for you, ever. (Short of trying to move mountains and reconcile. But let's be real here.) It's okay to remember the good times, but you have to realize he's not going to be a source of good times for you anymore, and it is okay to knock him off his pedestal, again, and let go and move on. Don't let him keep you from living your best life.

 

A little off topic, but I just wanted to comment that elseaaych, you give some really good advice. I am very impressed with your thought process and the way that you are able to articulate that into words.

[BC1980]

If you want to really mess with his emotions/screw him up, just plain flat out ignore him. Act as if he is not even there, even if he is in your presence. My ex and I work together, she dumped me very coldly and did this exact thing to me. It really messed me up more than the crummy way she deleted me from her life. I think it is beyond mean to act this way, but it will definitely send a very loud and clear message to him.

 

I did the same things as you, tried to be friendly, courteous, professional, etc. Took the high road. My ex totally acted as if I just ceased to exist. I absolutely did nothing to her to deserve being treated like this. Being ignored really hurt me more than anything.

 

Take solace in knowing that you tried to work things out with your ex. You don't have to wonder about the "what ifs". You did all that you could. I don't understand why some ex's just have to act the way they do, but they do it for a reason. Things not working out with your ex is on him. He can live with that. Not your problem anymore. You have every right to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your healing progress.

 

My plan is to ignore him until he talks to me. I'm anticipating that he will try to act friendly and ask about me or my family. Something generic. I will then ask him to keep things professional.

 

I'm ignoring him for my own sanity, not to piss him off or make him feel bad. I can't afford to put anymore emotional energy into this guy. I put so much energy into the actual relationship, and he totally played me for a fool. I care very little how my ignoring him will make him feel. I care very much how ignoring him will make me feel. Ignoring him will save me from investing any more emotions into someone who obviously cared very little how much I had invested in him over the years. Therefore, niceties are not necessary.

 

I don't know why your ex treated you that way, but I understand that it hurts. It would have hurt me too, but I guess people just have to cut ties in whatever way possible after breakups. I think it has more to do with self-preservation than with actually trying to make someone feel bad.

[Mariposa10]

Oh my god... I don't like this... How did you find out?? When are you guys gonna start working together?

 

I think it's best to act as you said, professionally. If you ignore him completely he'll start thinking things, but if you just act professional, there'll be no mind****, which is always good.

[BC1980]

Oh my god... I don't like this... How did you find out?? When are you guys gonna start working together?

 

I think it's best to act as you said, professionally. If you ignore him completely he'll start thinking things, but if you just act professional, there'll be no mind****, which is always good.

 

A coworker asked me if I had heard he was coming back, which I hadn't at the time. Less than a week later, the package shows up at my house with the note saying he will be back in 3 months.

 

I think a request to keep it professional is the best route. He can't argue with that. Finding this out and the package were bumps in the road. I'm already over it. It f$cked me up for a few days, but I'm okay now. He doesn't have power over me any longer.

[redbaron005]

A coworker asked me if I had heard he was coming back, which I hadn't at the time. Less than a week later, the package shows up at my house with the note saying he will be back in 3 months.

 

I think a request to keep it professional is the best route. He can't argue with that. Finding this out and the package were bumps in the road. I'm already over it. It f$cked me up for a few days, but I'm okay now. He doesn't have power over me any longer.

 

Good for you. Also, any other hospitals close by? This might be a good time to put in applications elsewhere.

[BC1980]

Good for you. Also, any other hospitals close by? This might be a good time to put in applications elsewhere.

 

There are 2 more big hospitals in the area, but I really love my job. I'm also so close to getting vested for retirement. I'm going to see how it plays out before considering changing jobs. This job is just perfect for me, so I don't want to leave if possible.

[Mariposa10]

BC, did he ever start working at the same place you work at?